What do you call a wolf that has things figured out?

Aware wolf.

Wolf down this joke fellows

-Knock knock
"Who's there"
-"Howl"
"Howl who ?"
-"Howl you know unless you open the door ?"

The Wolf of Wall Street

Martin Scorsese's film "The Wolf of Wall Street" broke a record by using the word "F**k" or "F**king" 506 times. That actually beats a record set by me in 2010, trying to put an Ikea chair together.

I taught a wolf to meditate

Now he is aware wolf

What's the difference between a wolf and a flea?

One howls on the prairie, the other prowls on the hairy.

I joined a naked wolf hunting group.

But it turns out only the wolf is naked.

What do you call a wolf in sheep's clothing?

A woolf.

A man was walking in the woods when he was attacked by a wolf

The man miraculously managed to escape from the wolf with just a deep bite on the arm.


While he was being treated by the doctor, he confided that he thought it might have been a werewolf, so the doctor, humoring him, decided to run some tests.


"Good news," said the doctor...

What do you get when you cross a wolf and a climate activist?

aware wolf

Did you hear about the cow that cried wolf?

Fake Moos!

What do you call a careful wolf?

awarewolf

The big bad wolf converted to Buddhism and there was finally peace in the forest. But suddenly, the air was filled with screams of terror! A bear asked the animals running past him, "What's happening now?!"

"The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!"

"So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear.

"Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"

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Vladimir Putin is hosting a summit with Donald Trump, Kim Jong-Un, and Justin Trudeau.

As a part of the summit, Putin takes the three leaders to a wilderness area outside of Moscow and dismisses the press corps, and a large wolf in a cage is brought out.


"Friends, this savage wolf was trapped and brought from the wilds of Siberia just yesterday. I want to show you what ki...

Long ago a wolf explained to his son "eat a man and you'll be fed for a day,

Roll over and play dead and you'll be fed for the rest of your life"

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A grammar book walks into a bar

* An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television, getting drunk, and smoking cigars.

* A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.

* A bar was walked into by the pass...

What did the shepherd say to his dog when he saw a wolf?

Let’s get the flock out of here

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Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to see her grandmother in the forest. Her mother warned her "Don't walk through the forest, take the path, or else the Big Bad Wolf will catch you and suck your tits dry!"

Little Red started towards her grandmother's house but decided to take the shortcut through the forest anyway. A turtle stopped Little Red and warned her "Turn back and use the path, because if the Big Bad Wolf finds you, he'll suck your tits dry!" Little Red was almost there, so she kept going thro...

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.

One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left.

As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't ...

What do you call a werewolf who doesn’t know they’re a werewolf?

A un-aware wolf

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A fly is buzzing around a wolf hound.

Fly: What kind of dog are you?

Dog: I'm a wolf hound.

Fly: A wolf hound? Strange name . Why do they call you like that?

Dog: Well, it's quite obvious. My mother was a hound and my father was a wolf.

Fly: I see...

Dog: So, what kind of fly are you?

Fly: I'm a...

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Little red riding hood was told to look out for the wolf

So she’s really vigilant; she walks through the forest and she spots an eye through the bush and she says: “I see you mr wolf!” The wolf runs away. She goes deeper in the forest and she spots the wolf’s ears: “I see you Mr. Wolf!” The wolf runs away, little red riding hood goes deeper in the forest ...

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Little red riding hood was walking down a forest path.

As she was walking she sees the big bad wolf crouched down behind a tree.

She says, "I see you big bad wolf!" So the big bad wolf runs away.

Further down the path, she sees the big bad wolf again, crouched behind a bush.

She says, "I see you big bad wolf!"

Again, the big ...

imagine how terrible a granddaughter you have to be

to visit your grandma so infrequently that you can't tell if it's a wolf dressed in her clothes and not her

Why is a van the best defense against the wolf man?

If he is behind you he’ll get exhausted, if he’s in front he’ll get tired.

First dirty joke I ever learned...from my mother

Little Red Riding Hood: Mr. Big Bad Wolf, are you going to eat me whole?

Mr. Big Bad: No, when I come to that part, I am going to spit it out.

A guy walks into a bar with his dog.

The bartender says, "Sorry, buddy. No dogs allowed."
The guy answers, "But this dog is special. He talks."

"Oh really?"

The guy turns to the dog and says, "Butch, what's on top of a house?"
Butch answers, "Roof."

The bartender fold his arms and says,"I'm not in the moo...

What we call a monster we can't find?

Wherewolf.

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The little red riding hood was walking through the forest going to grandma's house

In the midle of the forest, she saw a big shadow behind a tree, she went to see who's there, only to find the wolf.

She asked: Are you the wolf?

He stared at her and answered darkly: Yes i am..

She screamed so hard and ran away as fast as she can till she got tired. After a whil...

The invisible man, the wolf man, and Dracula played poker.

They tried to get the mummy to play but he had no skin in the game.

The invisible man tried to bluff but people saw right through him.

Dracula ended up bleeding them dry, leaving the wolf man howling mad.

What does the Big Bad Wolf do to get high?

He huffs and he puffs.

Mozart runs into a bar...

He’s scratched and bleeding and can barely stand.

The bartender asks, What’s wrong?!? What happened?!?

Mozart gasps as he collapses to the floor, I was just attacked by a “wolf gang” and now “imma dazed!”



(Just an awful joke I came up with to brother my bother. )

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A wolf and a rabbit hated each other...

One day, the pair were walking through an enchanted forest when they discovered a magical frog trapped in a hole. The frog promised to grant them each three wishes if they helped him escape. The two rescued the frog, and after they set him safely on the ground, the frog croaked, "thank you! Now I wi...

A fox, a wolf and a weasel all go to a restaurant.

The waitress comes over and asks what they want to drink.
"Water" says the Fox,
"Coffee" growls the Wolf,
And "Pop!" Goes the Weasel!

Three blondes are walking around. They suddenly stumble apron some tracks. The first blonde says "those are deer tracks" the send blonde says "those are wolf tracks!" The third blonde says" no, those are bear tracks!"

And then the train hit them

So the “Wolf of Wall Street” has the f word used 569 times making almost 3 times a minute

That record was broken by my dad this afternoon while trying to assemble an ikea tv stand

A little girl was walking on a frozen lake when she saw a wolf who had fallen in a hole in the ice and was drowing.

The girl, having a pure heart, runs to it, kneels down, plunges her arms in the icy water, grabs the wolf's tail at the very last moment and pulls, pulls, pulls until she manages to bring the poor animal back on the ice shelf.



At that moment, the wolf changes into a prince. The girl b...

What do you call a lycanthrope from Wilmington or Dover?

A Delaware-wolf.

Wolf sighting

Husband: Honey I think I just saw a wolf!

Wife: where?

Husband: No, a regular one.

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Six Lessons of Life

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

A wolf, a lion and a little pig are having a discussion

The wolf proudly says : I am the scariest animal of the woods. When I howl, you can hear me from miles away and it will send a shiver down your spine.

The lion smirks and says : do you think THAT is scary, little wolf? I am the true king of the jungle ánd the most scary. When I roar, all the ...

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What's the world coming to? I'm now under investigation just for wolf-whistling at attractive girls who walk past the building site....

Fuck knows who's going to fix that schools roof now.

What did Grendel’s girlfriend say when a dangerous canine started to approach them?

“Look out, bae! A wolf!”

What's grey, has four legs, howls at the moon, and eats cement?

A wolf. I threw in the cement to make it hard.

You've heard of "boy who cried wolf", but what about "man who cried pig"?

I heard the rest of the blind date was pretty awkward!

So a wolf comes to a village with three awfully farmilar houses

“Shalom” Says the Wolf

“Phew” Says the three little pigs

There is a wolf in the woods with a notebook.

(Translated from Russian)

There is a wolf in the woods with a notebook.

He approaches the squirrel.

"Squirrel, what are you doing tomorrow morning?"

-It seems nothing ...

"All right, then I'll write you down for breakfast." Come - I'll eat you!

Squirrel nods...

One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the fine weather.

The day was so nice that she became careless and a fox snuck up behind her and caught her.

"I am going to eat you for lunch," said the fox.

"Wait," replied the rabbit, "You should at least wait a few days."

"Oh yeah? Why should I wait?"

"Well, I am just finishing my thesi...

The lion decided to invite everyone to his birthday party. But, him being the king, he ordered everybody to bring him meat as a present, or else he will hit them with his massive dong. And soon, the day came and all the animals lined up infront of the lion's cave with their presents.

The Wolf wanted to gift the King lamb, the fox had a chicken, the leopard an antilope, and so on...The lion greeted all of his guests and welcomed them to the party. Suddenly, the rabbit stood infront of him with a carrot. All guests went silent. The lion looked him in the eyes and said: " You know...

Imagine the disappointment when if a wolf knew it's descendant would be a pug

That's how your grandpa feels when he sees your man bun

What do you get when you try to breed a dog and a wolf?

2 counts of animal abuse and the ending of Old Yeller

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This is a long one that requires audience interaction. It’s always given me great return.

To preface this joke: you may alter the story as you see fit. Make it personal and use elements of your real life to make this a convincing story. The only key points that must be consistent will be highlighted in the text. The audience interaction will be italicized.

_________

The Cat...

I think there's nothing cooler than being a lone wolf

Except at wolf picknicks when you don't have a partner for the wolf wheelbarrow races

How does Tom Wolfe dispose of the debris from his bathroom remodel?

He has a bonfire of the vanities.

I’ll let myself out.

Dick Wolf, the creator of the Law & Order franchise ordered a T-bone steak for dinner last night.

He prefers them well Done-Done.

A wolf is walking through the forest...

A wolf is walking through the forest and sees a beaver.

"Come here" he says.

The Beaver comes over and the wolf, looking at a list in his hand, says "Ah here you are. Mr. Beaver. You'll come to the big field tomorrow at 8am and I'll eat you for breakfast. Any questions?"

"No" sa...

What did the taxi driver say to the wolf?

Where-wolf.

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A bear, a wolf, and a rabbit.

A bear, a wolf and a rabbit were traveling through the forest together.In order to survive more easily, they maintained a strategy by which everyone would contribute a little something to the group.The bear, being the strongest, hunted the for the most part, the wolf chased the ones who would try to...

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After a long winter, a mountain lion, a wolf, and a fox...

After a long winter, a mountain lion, a wolf, and a fox get together and each tells how they spent the winter.

The mountain lion says, "I spent my winter in a pigpen, and each day I ate a pig. The owner counted the pigs, saw that some were missing, and set a trap from which I barely escaped."...

What do you call a house that turns into a wolf during a full moon?

A warehouse.

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Little Red Riding Hood is walking through the forest

She looks behind her and says "I can see you Mr, Big Bad Wolf, your hiding behind the tree!".

The Wolf growls in anger and runs off.

Red Riding Hood keeps walking, a short while later, she turns and says "I can see you Mr Big Bad Wolf, your hiding behind the bushes".

The Wolf ye...

Two guys are walking in the woods when

Two guys are walking in the woods when a wolf attacks them. They suffer a few bites, but they get patched up and go about their lives. The next month, on the next full moon, they suddenly change into wolves and run in the woods and kill a deer and do other wolf stuff.

In the morning they wake...

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A kid asks his dad, the tribe chief, how he was named

“When your sister was born, I walked outside and saw a silver wolf. That’s why she’s called Silver Wolf. When your brother was born, I walked outside and saw a gliding hawk. That’s why he’s called Flying Hawk. That explain it, Two Dogs Fucking?”

Everyone knows the story of the three little pigs... here's another version:



The first little pig was playing in the forest, when the big bad wolf

spotted him and chased him back to his straw house. The pig hid inside,

peeking out at the wolf, who looked at the house, laughed, then huffed

and puffed and blew the house down. The pig, scared witles...

What is a wolfs favorite puzzle?

AWOOObix cube!

animals are telling each other jokes

Animals are telling each other jokes. They have a rule that if someone tells a joke and everyone will not laugh, they will kill the one who was telling the joke.
First, the Bear tells a very good joke, everyone laughs except the Turtle, so they kill the Bear.
Then, the Fox tells a good jok...

What do you call a wolf with Stockholm Syndrome?

A Dog.

The subject of a painting

Outside the castle, in front of two deep, dangerous troughs of water filled with piranhas and barracudas, the royal coterie of lupine dog-men assembles on two long tables, facing the masses on the other side of the water. The wolf-king raises his glass and gives a piercing howl, to which the rest of...

Red Riding Hood & Wolf

Little Red was walking down the woods, when all of a sudden she saw a "big bad" wolf, staring at her from behind the bushes! His eyes all big and bloody red!
She said: " Oh my! What big eyes y...?!"
- "Beat it kid! I'm taking a dump!!"

What does a wolf cough up after eating a rabbit?

A hare ball

A bear, a wolf, and a moose fall into a trapping pit

After a couple days with no food, the moose sees the wolf and bear whispering to each other.

The wolf turns to the moose and says "Look, the bear and I are both carnivores. It's been a couple days without food. You understand, right?"

The moose says "Yeah, I guess you're right. But...

My wife and I were at a show watching a beautiful dancer on stage...

Wife: Did you just wolf-whistle when she did the splits?

Me: Um no, it was probably just trapped air escaping.

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Little Red Riding Hood sets out to go visit her grandmother, who lives in another village

As she's walking on the forest road, she sees the big, bad wolf hiding behind a shrub. She stops and says:

\-My, what big red eyes you have!

The wolf looks at her and leaves without saying a word, disappearing in the dense forest. Little red riding hood continues walking on the same fo...

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The Turtle & The Wolf

A turtle and a wolf were great friends. One day, the wolf got trapped in a cave due to an avalanche, and he couldn't get out. He cried out for his friend turtle to help him. "Go get help!" he said, and then he waited. After a long time without any sign of help coming, the wolf started getting frustr...

A guy walks into a restaurant, sits at the counter.

He starts looking thru the menu, and sees 'chili'. "Oh, I haven't had a decent bowl of chilli in a long time".
Asks the server for the chili, and she says "sorry dear, the gentleman next to you got the last bowl"


He notices the gentleman next to him with a bowl of chili, but he'...

What animal exists of 75% wool?

A wolf ;)

A rabbit walks into a pub...

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman,
'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?'

The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.

The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.

The following ...

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Two friends are sitting out, under a full moon

One turns into a wolf, and the other one says "Holy shit, you're a wolf!"

And he replies "Yes, I am a were."

A little rabbit is running through the forest

when he sees a bear and a wolf smoking a joint. Not knowing what a joint is, he approaches them.

"What are you doing guys?" the rabbit asks. "Smoking a joint." they said, "Wanna try?". "I can't. Mrs. rabbit is waiting for me." answers the rabbit. "Come on, rabbit. It's gonna be fun.". Rabbit ...

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A man is consulting a psychologist

\- Tell me what are your worst memories. Start with the third one.


\- The mayor's goat escaped into the wood, so every man of the village went to search her. We searched all the day long and finally found her safe in the evening. Because she wasn't eaten by a wolf, the mayor organized a...

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