I identify as Michael Jackson

My pronouns are he/hee

What’s Michael Jackson’s favourite narcotic?

LSDeehee

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Michael and The Parrot

I'm gonna try to translate an Albanian Joke
It's hard to translate but I'll try:

Michael and the parrot

Michael had an talking parrot and wants to sell him and make some money. But the parrot had a problem that he offended anyone that he didn't like.
First comes a man with weird...

Did you hear about the michael jackson impersonator who expertly robbed a bank?

He was a smooth criminal

Michael J Fox stole my old iPhone & hacked his way into it.

I think he’s looking for The Secret of my 6S

Two nuns are walking down the street when they notice that a man is following them.

Sister Michael, the older and wiser nun, says to the young and naïve Sister Patrick, "See that crossroad ahead? You go left and I'll go right: he can't follow us both. We'll meet back at the Abbey."

So the sisters part and the man follows Sister Michael.

Some time later, Sister Patrick...

What did Darth Vader say when the record store employee told him they were out of George Michael albums?

I find your lack of 'Faith' disturbing.

How did Michael Jackson get corona?

He was only wearing one glove.

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Q: Do you know why Michael J. Fox makes such good milkshakes?

A: Because he uses quality ingredients, what did you think asshole?

Who's Michael J. Fox's favorite author?

Shake-spear

Surgeon: “Just relax, Michael. It’s just a small surgery.”

Patient: “My name isn’t Michael.”


Surgeon: “I know, my name is Michael.”

People say Michael Jordan is a goat

He is actually a human

Anne Frank, Michael Jackson, and Helen Keller walk into a bar...

Just kidding they're all dead.

Did you hear they were making a McJackson burger for Michael Jackson

It a 50 year old piece of meat in a 12 year old bun

George Michael once damaged his ears while cleaning them...

Careless Swissper

If Michael Sheen has a daughter he should name her Florence.

And her middle name? Andthema.

Michael J. Fox has contracted coronavirus

Contact tracing shows he got it from shaking hands

Is your name Michael?

Thanks.




I'm doing a Mike Check.

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How many Redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

17 purists who use candles and...

Pretty sure I saw Michael J Fox at the garden center this morning, it certainly looked like him..

But he had his back to the fuchsia....

Wh did people in the NBA think Michael Jordan was conceited?

Because he was always putting on Airs.

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Little Teddy’s doing very poorly in math, so his parents enroll him in Catholic school.

The first day home from St. Michael’s, he walks straight to his room to do his math homework. After dinner Teddy marches back upstairs and starts calculating again.

 

His mother visits his room and says, “You’re working awfully hard!”

 

“Well,” Teddy replies, “today when ...

What did they do with Michael Jackson when he died?

Well, he had so many plastic surgeries that they melted him down into LEGOs... Now kids play with him for a change.

Why did Michael Jackson go to K-Mart (NSFW)

He heard little boys pants were half off

I used to laugh at Michael Jackson for wearing gloves and a mask.....

Yet here i am, stuck at home in this covid19 Thriller,
Beating it.....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My first attempt at a joke in English (I'm Italian)

A group of friends is playing poker.

Now it's Michael's turn to give cards. He's got a broken hand in a cast, so he starts to shuffle them clumsily. He's really pissed at his condition and gets mad.

His friend Jim then interrupts him and says:

"Look, the problem is not the broke...

How did michael jackson pick his nose

With a catalog

Michael Jordan, Scottie Pippen, and Dennis Rodman are set to compete against each other in a wordplay competition in Spain

The Punning Of The Bulls

Michael Jackson and Darth Vader!

Neither wanted to remain on the Dark Side!

Michael Jackson

Remember laughing at Michael Jackson wearing a mask and gloves?

Now you are all out there looking like you wanna be starting something!

I was just telling my friend Michael Rains about my unfortunate allergy to my own grown barley

My grains give me migraines, Mike Rains

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a long one. Michael J. Fox has a short one. Madonna does not have one. The Pope does not really use his. And Justin Bieber always uses his. What is it?

A last name

I heard Michael Jackson actually died of food poisoning.

He ate some 12 year old nuts

Michael Bloomberg will not pick Hillary Clinton as his VP

He's not ready to commit suicide

LMAO IM AT MY SCHOOL TALENT SHOW AND DUDE SAYS “Before I begin, I want to make sure this mic is working”

“If your name is Michael, please stand up”

Then a couple dudes stand up

And he goes “That concludes the mike check”



stolen from twitter @ cheyrubi

Inspired by another Michael Jackson joke in the thread today . . .

How can you tell when Michael Jackson has company over?

Big Wheels in the driveway.

Michael Murphy is sitting at his local pub, tossing back pint after pint of Murphy's...

Closing time arrives, and a drunken Michael tries to get up off of his bar stool only to fall flat on his face.

Drunk but determined, Michael drags himself across the pub floor to the exit. He drags himself to his home a few blocks away and decides to sleep it off on the couch as not to wake ...

A fisherman’s joke

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Claddaghduff, an Irish man answered his door to find a grim-faced Constable & one waiting in the front yard. "We're sorry, Mr. O’ Flynn, but we have some information about your dear wife, Maureen" said one of the officers.

"Tell...

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Darth Vader walks into his local record shop and asks for a copy of George Michael's debut solo album

The guy behind the counter says "I'm sorry, it's out of stock."

Darth Vader shakes his head and says "I find your lack of Faith disturbing..."

How would you call Michael Jackson’s denim store?

Billie Jeans

You're walking alone on a street when a person slaps you with a silk glove and runs away. As you watch them run, 2 cops are chasing them. Michael Jackson was right...

You've been hit by, you've been stuck by, a smooth criminal.

How do you know it’s bedtime at Michael Jackson’s house?

Because the big hand is touching the little hand.

What did Michael Jackson say before he died?

OW!!!

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Why did the mods of r/iamatotalpieceofshit cross the road?

To collect money from Joel Michael Singer.

Michael and Jerry are two third graders in the same school. One day, Michael told Jerry: “I just learned a neat trick that made me twenty bucks yesterday.”

“Really? What’s the trick?” Asked Jerry.

“It’s easy.” Michael said “Just go up to an adult and whisper in their ears: ‘I know everything about that dirty little secret of yours, now give me ten bucks, or else’ ; I’ve tried it on my parents last night and it totally worked!”

Excited, Je...

What's the opposite of Michael Jackson?

Michael jacks off.

Michael Jackson goes to the doctor

Michael Jackson: Help doctor I've been shot.
Doctor: I cant fix that but I can change your skin color so it doesn't happen again.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired, 'Where have you been?'
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, 'Look, Michael. Look what I've made.'
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, 'What is it?'
'It's a planet,' replied God, 'and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's...

A man named Michael Foot was put in charge of a committee on the disposal of nuclear weapons

"Foot Heads Arms Body"

My colleague Michael Aye cheated in law school

But who M. Aye to judge?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a party with R. Kelly and Michael Jackson always have?

Hee hee and Pee pee.

You sick fucks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What pronouns does a person who sexualy identifies as Michael Jackson use?

He/heee

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Whats the difference between michael phelps and hitler?

Michael phelps can finish a race.

What's Michael Jackson's favorite drink?

Tee-hee!

A teacher asks her students...

-What is dissapointment?

George says:
-Dissapointment is when I see a beautiful girl walking in front of me on the street but then she takes a bus and leaves.

-Good, says the teacher, anyone else?

Michael says:
-Dissapointment is when I see a beautiful boy walking in front...

What do Kurt Cobain and Michael Angelo have in common?

They both used their brains to paint ceilings.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’ve dated a twin once. People always asked me how I could tell them apart. It was simple. Ashley painted her nails pink

and Michael had a penis.

What did Michael Jackson have in common with a second-place NASCAR driver?

They both came in a little behind.

Neck Hands Foot Arms Body Head

This is how the newspaper headlines ran on the day John Neck stepped down to give the job of CEO of the gun manufacturer to Michael Foot.

I'm having mixed feelings about being a Michael Jackson impersonator.

On one hand, you get to wear a cool white glove.

On the other hand, you don't.

I don’t think Michael Jackson would make for a good documentary

He’d make a better thriller

What did the mother say to Michael Jackson at the beach?

Can you get out of my son?

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That Indian student.

It was the first day of school in the USA and a new Indian student named Chandra Subramanian entered the 4th grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History.

Teacher :- Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces except f...

As you may know, we have approached the 10th anniversary on the death of Michael Jackson...

I think we should pause and think of all those he's touched.

Whats the first thing Michael Jackson does when he spawns in on Minecraft?

He punches a trhee-hee

Michael Jackson invited a young boy for a sleepover.

Everytime the boy would begin to drop off to sleep, he'd hear a noise, he'd look up and Michael would slink off out of the room and then behind the door. The boy grabbed the pillow and forced his eye to remain open. As soon as the boy fell asleep Michael came back in the room. In the end he could ta...

Why isn’t Michael Jackson a good chess player?

Because he’s dead

George Michael would make a pretty good Fremen.

Guilty feet have got no rhythm.

^^^^^Yes ^^^^^I ^^^^^am ^^^^^a ^^^^^complete ^^^^^nerd, ^^^^^stop ^^^^^looking ^^^^^at ^^^^^me ^^^^^like ^^^^^that.

We named our guitar school after Michael Jackson

First lesson: fingering A minor

When I was a young, I loved basketball and was a huge Michael Jordan fan. But I wasn't sure if I had enough talent to become a pro player. Until one day I saw this huge poster. In the poster Jordan points at me and the caption reads "JUST DO IT". I got tears in my eyes and decided "I will do IT! ".

That's how I became a web developer.

Why did Michael Jackson love twenty six year olds?

Because there were twenty of them.

I was teaching political correctness to my niece and I said, "Ok let's say there's someone named Michael or Mike for short, and if Mike delivers mail, he's a Mail-man. Similarly if there's someone named Jennifer who's doing the same job what would you call her?"

"Jenny"

Michael Jackson and his wife didn’t get “his” and “hers” towels.

Nope. Instead, they got “she” and “HEE HEE HEEEE”

Husband's 19 year old secretary

A woman finds a note from her husband on the fridge one morning.

"My dear wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter I hope that y...

Brave Knight Edward is going to crusade

He doesn't know if he will ever come back or not. So, he puts on an iron chastity belt on his wife, gives the key to his best friend Micheal and says,

"If I don't come back in 3 years, set her free". Michael agrees and brave Knight Edward sets out on his big black horse. He gallops toward th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During the 60’s Michael Caine hosted some really wild parties. At one such party he had all the coolest people there, taking drugs, drinking and having a crazy time.

‘Alright jim’ he said to Jim Morrisson ‘are you and the boys enjoying the party?’. ‘Yeah its great, man’. ‘Well its going to get better. Ive got a girl in the bedroom who will suck all your dicks’ said Caine ‘Really? That’s great!’ replied Morrisson. So he and the band went into Michael’s bedroom....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The son told his mom: "I don't want to go to school today. The kids tease me, the teachers hate me."

"But Michael, you must be in school. You're the principal!"

Michael Stipe died, but only two people know about it.

That's me and the coroner.

An older gentleman orders three shots - one for him, and one for each of his brothers back home in Ireland.

He explains to the bartender "I had to move to America to help my wife care for her in-laws, and I miss my family back home. So I'm having a shot here for my brother Seamus, and another for my brother Michael." He downs the three shots, makes a little more small talk with the bartender, and heads ...

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Richard Pryor?

One got burned for Pepsi, the other got burned for coke."

What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and Neil Armstrong?

Neil Armstrong was the first man to walk on the moon.

Michal Jackson touched kids

What side dish does George Michael ask for with his curry?

Well I guess it would be rice

Michael was a famous Olympic swimmer. Recently retired, it was his dream to continue his legacy by teaching his son the art of swimming. They had practiced for years, and when Michael's son was ready, he was entered into his first ever tournament...

The first round was easy. After all, the son had been training for years and had the best coach in the nation. But, by the time things progressed to the quarterfinals, his times didn't look good. Michael's son was in dead last.

"Dad, I don't think I'm going to win this one. I'm sorry." he sai...

the CEO of ryanair walked into a bar

Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair after arriving in a hotel in Manchester went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness.

The barman said, "That will be £1 please, Mr. O’Leary."

Taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.

"We d...

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