UPJOKE
davidpaulhebrew languagerobertmoorearchangelanthonythomasjamesevanskevindavisbruceandrewlewis

Have you heard of the Michael Jackson diet?

You just have to start with the man in the mirror, and ask him to change his weighs.

Why doesn't Michael Jackson drink coffee?

Because he prefers "Tea-hee!"

Why cant Michael Jackson go within 500m of a school zone...

Because he's dead

A Michael Sam joke

After being drafted by the St. Louis Rams, Michael Sam celebrated by kissing his boyfriend. This is historic because it’s the first time anyone has celebrated being drafted by the St. Louis Rams. - Conan O'brien

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I sexually identify as Michael Jackson

My pronouns are He/Hee

How did Michael Jackson pick his nose?

From a catalog

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one. Michael J. Fox has a small one. Madonna doesn’t have one. The Pope has one but never uses. Donald Trump has one and uses it. What is it?

A surname/last name

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's Catherine and Michael's 15th Wedding Anniversary

>**Catherine:** "You know what, You've bought me enough jewelry the past 15 anniversaries, so this time I'm gonna make it all about you."

*Catherine decides to take Michael to a strip club as a special little gift. They arrive at the strip club, and are greeted by the bouncer at the do...

What's Michael Jacksons favorite gaming console?

Nintendo Wii-heeee

What is Michael Jackson’s favourite Indian city?

New Del he-he

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl introduces her new boyfriend to her parents.

This is a German joke, but I think I found a way to translate it:

A girl wants to introduce her new boyfriend to her parents.
He knocks on the door and the parents together open the door and introduce themselves: "Hi, my name is Sarah and this is my husband Michael, nice to meet you!".
...

Why does Michael J. Fox make the best milkshakes?

Because he uses only the highest-quality ingredients.

Two nuns are walking down the street when they notice that a man is following them.

Sister Michael, the older and wiser nun, says to the young and naïve Sister Patrick, "See that crossroad ahead? You go left and I'll go right: he can't follow us both. We'll meet back at the Abbey."

So the sisters part and the man follows Sister Michael.

Some time later, Sister Patrick...

I think I saw Michael J Fox in a garden centre earlier today

At least I think it was him, he had his back to the fuchsias

Why does Michael Buble's alphabet only have 25 letters.

He just hasn't met U yet.

What did Lisa Marie say to Michael Jackson when she wasn't in the mood?

Just beat it.

Michael Caine was making a movie in the Philippines …

… and he was invited to a posh party in an expensive house in Manila. While he was being introduced to the other guests in the party and getting a drink, he noticed that the hostess was looking at him rather nastily. He was perplexed as he had never met her before and was a guest at her house.
...

While teaching a class,

A teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:


"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"


Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee."


The te...

Did you hear they were making a McJackson burger for Michael Jackson

It a 50 year old piece of meat in a 12 year old bun

My wife just told me that Michael Nesmith from The Monkees just died.

At first, I didn’t believe it.

But then I saw her face.

What's the difference between Mike Myers and Michael Myers?

Michael Myers starred in a successful movie in the last decade.

You guys want to play that new Michael Brown drinking game?

It's easy, you just stand there and take eight shots.

I heard a Michael Jackson song in the mall yesterday.

Didn't enjoy it at all though; it was bad.

What do you call a 3-part novel about Michael Jackson?

A Thriller-gy

Q: What would Michael Jackson be doing if he were alive today in 2022?

A: Knocking on the lid of his coffin.

Hee hee!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Michael Jackson is walking out from the operating room after his wife gave birth to their son.

Michael says "Hey Doc how long till we can have sex?" The Doctor says "At least wait till he is walking Michael!!"

LMAO IM AT MY SCHOOL TALENT SHOW AND DUDE SAYS “Before I begin, I want to make sure this mic is working”

“If your name is Michael, please stand up”

Then a couple dudes stand up

And he goes “That concludes the mike check”



stolen from twitter @ cheyrubi

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between Michael Phelps and Hitler?

Michael Phelps can finish a race.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Michael Moore's first cut of a certain movie involved lots of pornstars and oral sex. But people didn't like it, so he cut that out. It wasn't the pornstars fault though.

They tried their best and were blowing for Columbine

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Richard Pyror?

One was burnt by Pepsi and one was burnt by coke.

An army officer is having a heartfelt conversation with his wife in the kitchen before heading off for another long deployment

"Sweetheart, I'm about to be away for another year."

"Oh, I'll miss you terribly!"

"I'll miss you too," he says with a mischievous glance at her chest, "And these lovely ladies of yours."

Blushing, she suggests, "Why not give them a little attention now to make up for the coming...

I really wanted to share a link to Weird Al's 1984 Michael Jackson parody today but I realized

That I can't have my Cake Day and Eat It, too.

When is bedtime at Michael Jackson's house?

When the big hand touches the little hand.

Michael takes an exam

Michael is taking an exam at his school. All questions are True or False questions. He hasn’t studied so he decides to answer all his questions by flipping a coin.

Once the time is up, The teacher collects everyones exams but notices that Michael is still working. The teacher asks why he’s ...

What do Michael Jackson and USA have in common?

They both desperately wanted to be white. And the last great thing they did was a moon walk.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“Good morning Sir, what’s your name?” “M...M...M...Michael...”

"Oh, I see, you are a stammerer, I am sorry for that!"

"Well no, actually my father was... but the registry office guy was a son of a bitch"

RIP Michael Nesmith

Now I'm a Bereaver

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?

Neil Armstrong *walked on the moon* but Michael Jackson was a *pedophile.*

I was going to post a Michael Brown joke..

..but I'm afraid it would just get shot down.

What did George Michael and wellington boots have in common?

They both got sucked off in bogs.

Michael J Fox takes a job as a bartender

On his first shift James Bond walks in.

"What'll it be?" Says Michael

Bond takes one look at him and replies.

"I'll have a Martini"

TIL in the early '80s, Michael Jackson almost founded a Mexican restaurant, and "Billy Jean" was originally recorded as a promo for the restaurant

He was going to call it "Nacho Daddy"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People say Michael Jackson only became a paedophile when he was white. [NSFW]

Lucky for him, if he was black he would have been found guilty.

What do Michael Jackson and a fighter pilot shooting down a balloon have in common?

Both are King of Pop.

What do Jesus and Michael Jackson have in common?

They were both born brown - but remembered white

Did you hear about the Mexican George Michael tribute act?

He's called Carlos Whisper

Two priests were playing golf...

Father Bob hit his ball into the woods on his first swing, "Damn it! That totally missed!" he cursed.

"You shouldn't curse Father Bob!" said Father Michael "Or god might punish you!"

Father Bob apologized and they went on playing.

On his next swing, Father Bob hit his ball into ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Teddy’s doing very poorly in math, so his parents enroll him in Catholic school.

The first day home from St. Michael’s, he walks straight to his room to do his math homework. After dinner Teddy marches back upstairs and starts calculating again.

 

His mother visits his room and says, “You’re working awfully hard!”

 

“Well,” Teddy replies, “today when ...

Michael Jackson, what element comes after Oxygen?

He He!

What did Michael Jackson tell his girlfriend when he broke up with her

It’s not you it’s Mee-Hee

What does Michael Jordan and Melania Trump have in common?

The both made a fortune playing with orange balls

What's the difference between George Michael and my wellies?

My wellies still get sucked off in bogs.

Michael Jackson should have opened a clothing line for pants.

He could have called it Billie Jeans.

Those prices are THRILLER!
No one can BEAT IT!

Kids pants would be half off there.

What did they do with Michael Jackson when he died?

Well, he had so many plastic surgeries that they melted him down into LEGOs... Now kids play with him for a change.

Michael Jackson

Remember laughing at Michael Jackson wearing a mask and gloves?

Now you are all out there looking like you wanna be starting something!

What is Michael Corleone's favourite drink.

A Ca-pacino.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Michael and The Parrot

I'm gonna try to translate an Albanian Joke
It's hard to translate but I'll try:

Michael and the parrot

Michael had an talking parrot and wants to sell him and make some money. But the parrot had a problem that he offended anyone that he didn't like.
First comes a man with weird...

Excuse me, but is anyone in here named Michael?

I'm just doing a Mike check.

What is Michael Jackson's favorite lunchtime meal?

Grilled Chee-heese

What vehicle did Michael Jackson drive?

(Imagine his voice with the crotch grab)

A Kia Sedona!

What do you get when you mix Dr. Seuss with George Michael?

Green Eggs and Wham!

What do Michael Jackson and the Berlin Wall have in common?

They were both really big in the 80s, and then bits started falling off of them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A small man goes to prison and gets sent to his cell.

When he meets his new cellmate, he finds out it's this enormous Michael Clark Duncan looking black guy. The cellmate tells him "Hey boy, you and me? We're married now!!! So do you want to be the husband, or you want to be the wife?" The little man replies back "Oh god..... I really don't want to do ...

Michael Phelps is such a good swimmer...

He was conceived anally

Michael Jordan is wheeled into the hospital for emergency surgery.

He’s brought into the operation room and meets his doctors, but he notices something strange. In the corner, there’s a stage being set up. An anesthesiologist is repeating jokes to herself and wiping her brow. The MRI techs are handling a soundboard in the back. The head surgeon is tuning a guitar b...

Why does Michael J Fox like COVID-19?

No more hand shaking!

A cheating husband decided to write a letter to his wife.

"My Dear Wife,



You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, as a 54 year-old, can no longer satisfy. I'm very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. However, after reading this letter, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I dated a twin once. People always asked me how I could tell them apart. It was simple. Ashley painted her nails pink

And Michael had a Penis.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three people arrive at the gates of Heaven

St Peter is processing them in. "Name and occupation, please?"

The first one says "Andrea Smith, I was a doctor."

"Of course. Doctors who save lives are allowed. Come in. Next?"

The second one says "Megan Jones, I was a nurse."

"Of course. Nurses who care for the sic...

Michael Jackson and Jeffrey Epstein walk into a bar...

...and walk right out because it's 18+

What's Michael Jackson's favorite painting?

The Sha-Mona Lisa.

Why do people like telling Michael Jackson jokes.

Because when they do he goes HeHe.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This little old Jewish grandma took her precious grandson Michael to the beach. A a giant wave rolled up and washed little Michael into the sea.

Grandma falls to her knees, clasps her hands and looks up to the heavens and screams to God, "Lord, bring back my grandson and I'll be the best person in the world. I'll sell my stocks and give the money to the poor, I'll never say an angry word again. I will keep the Sabbath and pay all my employee...

Hopefully George Michael was an organ donor...

... so on his last Christmas he gave someone his heart

I heard Michael Jackson actually died of food poisoning.

He ate some 12 year old nuts

How did Michael Jackson get corona?

He was only wearing one glove.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired, 'Where have you been?'
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, 'Look, Michael. Look what I've made.'
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, 'What is it?'
'It's a planet,' replied God, 'and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.