I have begun identifying as a Michael Jackson impersonator

My pronouns are now hee/hee

What do Michael Jackson and the Berlin Wall have in common?

They were both really big in the 80s, and then bits started falling off of them.

What do Jesus and Michael Jackson have in common?

They were both born brown - but remembered white

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A girl introduces her new boyfriend to her parents.

This is a German joke, but I think I found a way to translate it:

A girl wants to introduce her new boyfriend to her parents.
He knocks on the door and the parents together open the door and introduce themselves: "Hi, my name is Sarah and this is my husband Michael, nice to meet you!".
...

What did they say about the guy who stole Michael Phelp's custom-ordered PC?

He had a swimmer's build.

Why can’t Michael Jackson go within 200m of a school?

Because he’s dead

What do Michael Jackson and USA have in common?

They both desperately wanted to be white. And the last great thing they did was a moon walk.

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How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers ...

What does Michael Jordan and Melania Trump have in common?

The both made a fortune playing with orange balls

What would you hear if you had Michael Jackson and Kanye West in the same room?

YE-YE.

Michael Jordan is wheeled into the hospital for emergency surgery.

He’s brought into the operation room and meets his doctors, but he notices something strange. In the corner, there’s a stage being set up. An anesthesiologist is repeating jokes to herself and wiping her brow. The MRI techs are handling a soundboard in the back. The head surgeon is tuning a guitar b...

Excuse me, but is anyone in here named Michael?

I'm just doing a Mike check.

I opened the fridge today and the milk was singing a Michael Jackson song

I think it’s Bad

Archangel Michael has just created a duck-goose with giant teeth and wants to show his magnificent creation to God.

He comes to God's presence and says: "look what beauty I made, I'm just not sure where to put it"
God thinks for a moment and says: "how about you put it in Australia with all the other nonsense you've created."

A man hires a hit man to assassinate a man named Michael,

Guess you could say he, DROPPED THE MIKE

A cheating husband decided to write a letter to his wife.

"My Dear Wife,



You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, as a 54 year-old, can no longer satisfy. I'm very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. However, after reading this letter, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the...

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I’ve dated a twin once. People always asked me how I could tell them apart. It was simple. Ashley painted her nails pink…

….and Michael had a penis.

Why does Michael J. Fox make really good coffee?

Because he's rich and can afford high quality beans

Michael J Fox takes a job as a bartender

On his first shift James Bond walks in.

"What'll it be?" Says Michael

Bond takes one look at him and replies.

"I'll have a Martini"

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My boss hates it when i shorten his name to Dick

Probably since his name is Michael.

Michael Jackson and Jeffrey Epstein walk into a bar...

...and walk right out because it's 18+

In church I heard an old lady saying a prayer

It was so sweet and sincere that I just had to share with you:-
"Dear Lord,
This has been a tough couple of years.
You have taken my favourite actor Patrick Swayze.
My favourite pop singer Michael Jackson.
My favourite Blues artist BB King.
My favourite actress Elizabeth Taylor....

Why can’t Michael Jackson play chess?

He can’t decide which color to use

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Q: Do you know why Michael J. Fox makes such good milkshakes?

A: Because he uses quality ingredients, what did you think asshole?

Why do people like telling Michael Jackson jokes.

Because when they do he goes HeHe.

What do you call Michael Jackson's DNA?

Billie Genes

"How would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

While teaching a class a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee."...

Wrapped

For Mike's birthday, his wife wanted to surprise him when he came home from work. After some careful consideration, she decided to strip naked and wrap herself in Saran wrap from her shoulders to her ankles. Soon, Michael enters his house exhausted from a tough day at work. Mike walks through the ki...

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Three navy leaders from three different countries are arguing about who has the bravest soliders.

Three navy leaders from three different countries are arguing about who has the bravest soliders.

The American navy leader says "I'll show how brave my soldiers are! John! Climb to the top of the mast of this ship and dive head first into the water!"

"On it, sir!" John replies.

...

Michael takes an exam

Michael is taking an exam at his school. All questions are True or False questions. He hasn’t studied so he decides to answer all his questions by flipping a coin.

Once the time is up, The teacher collects everyones exams but notices that Michael is still working. The teacher asks why he’s ...

Think I saw Michael J Fox at the garden centre this morning

Can’t be sure though, he had his back to the fuchsias

What is Michael Jackson’s favourite Indian city?

New Del he-he

I really wanted to share a link to Weird Al's 1984 Michael Jackson parody today but I realized

That I can't have my Cake Day and Eat It, too.

What is Michael Corleone's favourite drink.

A Ca-pacino.

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Who said it

It was the first day of school and a new Indian student named Chandra Subramanian entered the 5th grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History.

Teacher :- Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces except for Chandra,...

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A long, long time ago, a boy asks his father how we acquire our names.

The father replies "Well some people are named after what they do. John Butcher is a butcher, Michael Baker is a baker. Now, me, I do many things around town for many people. I help the wood workers, but they don't call me Bill Carpenter, do they? No. I help on the wheat fields, but they don't call ...

Ten of the Richest People in the World Take a Luxurious Cruise Around the Globe

Jeff Bezos, Bill Gates, Elon Musk, Mark Zuckerberg, Warren Buffet, Richard Branson, Michael Bloomberg, Steve Ballmer, Charles Koch, and Jim Walton went on a luxurious yacht to cruise around the globe. Each of them brought an endangered animal to cook and eat as a delicacy during the trip.
Little...

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Sean is walking the streets of Dublin....

He turns down a street and comes across a crowd.

He goes over to see what all the fuss is about and sees everyone staring at a burning building.

On the top floor is a group of people who are trapped and can't get down, screaming and pleading for someone to help them.

Sean runs t...

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A man and a women meet

She says hey my name is Sheila.

He says hello my name is Michael but you can call me Dick.

She say how do you get Dick out of Michael?

He says just ask nicely!

What is Michael Jackson's favorite lunchtime meal?

Grilled Chee-heese

Two friends named Michael and Ron were hanging out, pondering about things, while having a smoke..

Michael: Hey, Ron.. can I ask you something?!

Ron: Yeah, sure. Go on.

Michael: Do you think there's such a thing as a dumb question?

Ron: No.. that's just a stupid thing to ask!

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While a Teacher was educating her class on how to recognize con artists she noticed one of her students looking down

She pauses her lecture and walks next to the desk of the gloomy child.

"Dear what seems to be the problem?" She asks

The student looks up and says "my mother is in the hospital and my dad is in the police station"

"Oh dear god, you should be at home instead of school! Here I'll ...

What did Darth Vader say when the record store employee told him they were out of George Michael albums?

I find your lack of 'Faith' disturbing.

What did they do with Michael Jackson when he died?

Well, he had so many plastic surgeries that they melted him down into LEGOs... Now kids play with him for a change.

Donald Trump and Michael Pence are having a race from the roof of a very tall building. They both decide to jump down, as it’s the fastest way down. Who wins?

Society

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This little old Jewish grandma took her precious grandson Michael to the beach. A a giant wave rolled up and washed little Michael into the sea.

Grandma falls to her knees, clasps her hands and looks up to the heavens and screams to God, "Lord, bring back my grandson and I'll be the best person in the world. I'll sell my stocks and give the money to the poor, I'll never say an angry word again. I will keep the Sabbath and pay all my employee...

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With Apologies To Abbot And Costello

There were these two kids who ran away from their home in Why, Arizona. One was a tall, white kid. The other was a short, Asian kid. After running away from home, a police officer notices them. They were caught milking baby gila monsters for their venom. The cop didn't want to send them to juvi...

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A man goes to a $5 prostitute…

A few days later he finds out he has crabs. He returns to the prostitute angry. She says, it was only $5, what did you expect, lobster?

Credit to Michael Scott

What's the name of the clothes shop Michael Jackson visited the most?

Billie JEANS

How does Michael Rosen like his lemonade?

No ice.

What is Dwight Schrutes favourite Michael Jackson song?

Beet it.

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Michael and The Parrot

I'm gonna try to translate an Albanian Joke
It's hard to translate but I'll try:

Michael and the parrot

Michael had an talking parrot and wants to sell him and make some money. But the parrot had a problem that he offended anyone that he didn't like.
First comes a man with weird...

Surgeon: “Just relax, Michael. It’s just a small surgery.”

Patient: “My name isn’t Michael.”


Surgeon: “I know, my name is Michael.”

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Darth Vader walks into his local record shop and asks for a copy of George Michael's debut solo album

The guy behind the counter says "I'm sorry, it's out of stock."

Darth Vader shakes his head and says "I find your lack of Faith disturbing..."

Michael: What do you call a terminator that doesn't let you finish your sentence?

Jim: Wha-

Michael: An interrupter.

Two nuns are walking down the street when they notice that a man is following them.

Sister Michael, the older and wiser nun, says to the young and naïve Sister Patrick, "See that crossroad ahead? You go left and I'll go right: he can't follow us both. We'll meet back at the Abbey."

So the sisters part and the man follows Sister Michael.

Some time later, Sister Patrick...

Did you hear what they did with Michael Jackson’s body?

Since he was like 90% plastic they melted him into legos and let little boys play with him for once.

Anne Frank, Michael Jackson, and Helen Keller walk into a bar...

Just kidding they're all dead.

Did you hear they were making a McJackson burger for Michael Jackson

It a 50 year old piece of meat in a 12 year old bun

I heard Michael Jackson actually died of food poisoning.

He ate some 12 year old nuts

Why did Michael Jackson go to K-Mart (NSFW)

He heard little boys pants were half off

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God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired, 'Where have you been?'
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, 'Look, Michael. Look what I've made.'
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, 'What is it?'
'It's a planet,' replied God, 'and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's...

Archangel Starbase, Status Report

Archangel Starbase is operational.

Courier/cargo wing, Gabriel Bay, operating at 90% of capacity.

Medical/Search & Rescue wing, Raphael Bay, ready at three minutes’ notice 24/7.

Military wing, Michael Bay, keeps exploding.

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Whats the difference between michael phelps and hitler?

Michael phelps can finish a race.

Michael from V-Sause walks into a bar.

Or at least that's what may have happened.... right?

It was a dark and rainy night and the stranger was soaked through to the skin

When he chanced upon a remote monastery. He went up and knocked on the old wooden door. There was nothing but silence from within. So he knocked again, this time a little louder. still, there was nothing but silence from within. So this time he hammered on the door with all his strength. And for the...

A Michael Sam joke

After being drafted by the St. Louis Rams, Michael Sam celebrated by kissing his boyfriend. This is historic because it’s the first time anyone has celebrated being drafted by the St. Louis Rams. - Conan O'brien

If Michael Sheen has a daughter he should name her Florence.

And her middle name? Andthema.

How did michael jackson pick his nose

With a catalog

Michael J Fox stole my old iPhone & hacked his way into it.

I think he’s looking for The Secret of my 6S

Who's Michael J. Fox's favorite author?

Shake-spear

George Michael once damaged his ears while cleaning them...

Careless Swissper

Michael J. Fox has contracted coronavirus

Contact tracing shows he got it from shaking hands

It was early in the COVID-19 pandemic, and

Father Michael was walking through St. Patrick's Cathedral. He noticed an altar boy furiously scrubbing the crucifix. He asked the boy what he was doing, and the boy said "I'm trying to prevent cross contamination. "

Michael and Jerry are two third graders in the same school. One day, Michael told Jerry: “I just learned a neat trick that made me twenty bucks yesterday.”

“Really? What’s the trick?” Asked Jerry.

“It’s easy.” Michael said “Just go up to an adult and whisper in their ears: ‘I know everything about that dirty little secret of yours, now give me ten bucks, or else’ ; I’ve tried it on my parents last night and it totally worked!”

Excited, Je...

Michael Bloomberg will not pick Hillary Clinton as his VP

He's not ready to commit suicide

Wh did people in the NBA think Michael Jordan was conceited?

Because he was always putting on Airs.

When is Michael Jackson's bed time?

When the big hand touches the little hand

I used to laugh at Michael Jackson for wearing gloves and a mask.....

Yet here i am, stuck at home in this covid19 Thriller,
Beating it.....

Michael Jackson

Remember laughing at Michael Jackson wearing a mask and gloves?

Now you are all out there looking like you wanna be starting something!

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Little Teddy’s doing very poorly in math, so his parents enroll him in Catholic school.

The first day home from St. Michael’s, he walks straight to his room to do his math homework. After dinner Teddy marches back upstairs and starts calculating again.

 

His mother visits his room and says, “You’re working awfully hard!”

 

“Well,” Teddy replies, “today when ...

What did Michael Jackson have in common with a second-place NASCAR driver?

They both came in a little behind.

Remember in elementary school how they had those motivational posters?

"You'll miss 100% of the shots you don't take"

Now look at us, school shootings every week.

Thanks alot Michael Jordan.

LMAO IM AT MY SCHOOL TALENT SHOW AND DUDE SAYS “Before I begin, I want to make sure this mic is working”

“If your name is Michael, please stand up”

Then a couple dudes stand up

And he goes “That concludes the mike check”



stolen from twitter @ cheyrubi

We named our guitar school after Michael Jackson

First lesson: fingering A minor

A man named Michael Foot was put in charge of a committee on the disposal of nuclear weapons

"Foot Heads Arms Body"

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The Anticlimactic Lager (oj)

(*I just made up this joke, it takes a bit of patience but let me know if it's worth it. Either way, keep smiling!*)

Michael was a rich, eccentric and naive beer enthusiast. He journeyed around the world in search of rare lagers.

Once, on a trip to India, he came across a small bar. Be...

As you may know, we have approached the 10th anniversary on the death of Michael Jackson...

I think we should pause and think of all those he's touched.

I was just telling my friend Michael Rains about my unfortunate allergy to my own grown barley

My grains give me migraines, Mike Rains

Michael Jordan, Scottie Pippen, and Dennis Rodman are set to compete against each other in a wordplay competition in Spain

The Punning Of The Bulls

Michael Murphy is sitting at his local pub, tossing back pint after pint of Murphy's...

Closing time arrives, and a drunken Michael tries to get up off of his bar stool only to fall flat on his face.

Drunk but determined, Michael drags himself across the pub floor to the exit. He drags himself to his home a few blocks away and decides to sleep it off on the couch as not to wake ...

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