Why didn't Michael Jackson win the 100m race?

Because he likes to come in a little behind.

Michael and Jerry are two third graders in the same school. One day, Michael told Jerry: “I just learned a neat trick that made me twenty bucks yesterday.”

“Really? What’s the trick?” Asked Jerry.

“It’s easy.” Michael said “Just go up to an adult and whisper in their ears: ‘I know everything about that dirty little secret of yours, now give me ten bucks, or else’ ; I’ve tried it on my parents last night and it totally worked!”

Excited, Je...

You're walking alone on a street when a person slaps you with a silk glove and runs away. As you watch them run, 2 cops are chasing them. Michael Jackson was right...

You've been hit by, you've been stuck by, a smooth criminal.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I sexually identify as Michael Jackson.

My pronouns are he/he

Whats the opposite of Michael Jackson?

Michael jacks off.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired, 'Where have you been?'
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, 'Look, Michael. Look what I've made.'
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, 'What is it?'
'It's a planet,' replied God, 'and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's...

What did Michael Jackson have in common with the second place finisher at the Daytona 500?

They both came in a little behind.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between me and Michael J. Fox?

When I furiously masturbate in front of a urinal, i get thrown out of the building

George Michael would make a pretty good Fremen.

Guilty feet have got no rhythm.

^^^^^Yes ^^^^^I ^^^^^am ^^^^^a ^^^^^complete ^^^^^nerd, ^^^^^stop ^^^^^looking ^^^^^at ^^^^^me ^^^^^like ^^^^^that.

I'm having mixed feelings about being a Michael Jackson impersonator.

On one hand, you get to wear a cool white glove.

On the other hand, you don't.

What did the mother say to Michael Jackson at the beach?

Can you get out of my son?

What's Michael Jackson's favorite drink?

Tee-hee!

What do Kurt Cobain and Michael Angelo have in common?

They both used their brains to paint ceilings.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Darth Vader walks into his local record shop and asks for a copy of George Michael's debut solo album

The guy behind the counter says "I'm sorry, it's out of stock."

Darth Vader shakes his head and says "I find your lack of Faith disturbing..."

I don’t think Michael Jackson would make for a good documentary

He’d make a better thriller

What is Michael Jackson’s favorite chord?

A minor

When I was a young, I loved basketball and was a huge Michael Jordan fan. But I wasn't sure if I had enough talent to become a pro player. Until one day I saw this huge poster. In the poster Jordan points at me and the caption reads "JUST DO IT". I got tears in my eyes and decided "I will do IT! ".

That's how I became a web developer.

What did Michael Jackson name his denim store?

Billie jeans

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During the 60’s Michael Caine hosted some really wild parties. At one such party he had all the coolest people there, taking drugs, drinking and having a crazy time.

‘Alright jim’ he said to Jim Morrisson ‘are you and the boys enjoying the party?’. ‘Yeah its great, man’. ‘Well its going to get better. Ive got a girl in the bedroom who will suck all your dicks’ said Caine ‘Really? That’s great!’ replied Morrisson. So he and the band went into Michael’s bedroom....

Whats the first thing Michael Jackson does when he spawns in on Minecraft?

He punches a trhee-hee

Michael Jackson and his wife didn’t get “his” and “hers” towels.

Nope. Instead, they got “she” and “HEE HEE HEEEE”

Why isn’t Michael Jackson a good chess player?

Because he’s dead

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner
with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"


Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee."


The teacher responded by saying: "That would
be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, ho...

What did they find under Michael Jackson's pillow?

Billy's Jeans

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whats the difference between michael phelps and hitler?

Michael phelps can finish a race.

Michael Jackson had the most impressive birth to death story arc or any person.

He was born a poor black boy and died a rich white woman.

I was teaching political correctness to my niece and I said, "Ok let's say there's someone named Michael or Mike for short, and if Mike delivers mail, he's a Mail-man. Similarly if there's someone named Jennifer who's doing the same job what would you call her?"

"Jenny"

We named our guitar school after Michael Jackson

First lesson: fingering A minor

Michael Jackson invited a young boy for a sleepover.

Everytime the boy would begin to drop off to sleep, he'd hear a noise, he'd look up and Michael would slink off out of the room and then behind the door. The boy grabbed the pillow and forced his eye to remain open. As soon as the boy fell asleep Michael came back in the room. In the end he could ta...

As you may know, we have approached the 10th anniversary on the death of Michael Jackson...

I think we should pause and think of all those he's touched.

Why did Michael Jackson molest young boys?

Becuase his mother always told him dont go around breaking young girls hearts.

What college did Michael Jackson go to?

Bringham Young University

(NSFW) Did you hear they're having a Michael Jackson sale at Walmart?

A - Boy's pants are half off.

Why did Michael Jackson love twenty six year olds?

Because there were twenty of them.

What does Jeffrey Epstein and Michael Jackson have in common?

They both make the kids go “oh no”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Michael and his wife had been married for thirty five years...

Michael and his wife had been married for thirty five years and things were, let's say, a little cold in the bedroom. One day while out shopping he decided to look for a little outside stimulation. He dropped his wife off at her favourite store and went across the street to the knock shop. He swagge...

When is Michael Jackson's bed time?

When the big hand touches the little hand

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How does it look in Michael Jackson's basement?

Stupid question. Every child knows that.

A stand up comedian named Michael went to get his appendix removed. What did he call the night of his surgery?

Open Mike Night

A lot of people think Michael Jackson's Pronouns were He/Him, but in reality,

Michael's preferred prounouns were He/He

I have an extremely rare phobia of Michael Jackson joining the group that sang "Stayin' Alive."

It gives me the Hee-Hee Bee Gees.

What side dish does George Michael ask for with his curry?

Well I guess it would be rice

What happened to Michael Jackson after he died?

They melted the plastic down and made Lego's so the kids can play with him

What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and Neil Armstrong?

Neil Armstrong was the first man to walk on the moon.

Michal Jackson touched kids

Why did Michael Jackson dangle his baby out the window?

He was airing his blanket.

Michael Stipe died, but only two people know about it.

That's me and the coroner.

What did Michael Jackson say when he found out he had Native American DNA?

Cherok-hee-hee!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a white guy with a big dick?

Michael Jackson

I met Michael Jackson once when I was 9 years old

It was a touching experience.

Michael Gove says he deeply regrets taking drugs

Everyone else deeply regrets he didn't take them all at once.

When I was a teen, Michael Jackson completely ruined me

He told to "beat it" and that's why I never had a girlfriend

I met a kid who loved everything black and white. He adored penguins, pandas, and Mickey mouse

I dont get why I'm not allowed to hang out with him anymore. All I asked is if he likes michael jackson.

Can Michael Jackson say the n-word?

No cuz he's dead.

Hey! Vsauce, Michael here.. What is.... a joke?

There are dozens of people reading this joke at any one time. And some will upvote, most will downvote, and some will comment about, well, anything.... and everything. But why are they here?

You see, most people on r/Jokes have never actually laughed at a joke on this sub. They expect someon...

Why does Michael J. Fox make really good milkshakes?

Because he’s rich and can afford the best ingredients

Where did Michael Jackson like to vacation at?

Ta-Hee-Hee

What do Michael Jackson and a game console have in common?

Both are made of plastic and little boys turn them on

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just saw the Michael Jackson documentary

I didn’t realize how many kids were butt-hurt after Leaving Neverland

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The teacher told us that the first people to have a surname had some kind of story on how people began to call them that, like how Michael Collins was a drunkard

Somehow i dont wanna know Emily Dickinson's story.

An old man is being interviewed on live TV

Hello everybody. We are with Michael, who is 97 years old. Michael, tell us, what’s your secret?

During the war, I sucked off a enemy soldier in exchange for food.

I meant about your age.

Ah… Eating healthy.

So my friend Michael had to quit his job as a magician...

Turns out *audiences hate him for this one simple trick*

Jan Michael Vincent died a month ago.

Luckily there are 7 more.

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?

One is white, plastic, and dangerous to kids. You put groceries in the other.

Yanni trips on a cable while performing with Michael Jackson. MJ runs up to him and asks

Yanni are you okay?

So Yanni are you okay

Are you okay Yanni

How do you trace a scatter plot?

Give the pencil to Michael J. Fox.

-Bo Burnham

What do Michael Jackson and Michael Jordan have in common?

They were ridiculed when they played in the minors.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Tomato Garden

An elderly man lived alone. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard. His only son, Michael, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Michael,
I am feeling p...

In Celebration of my Cake Day, here's a terrible joke: the Olympic Swimmer and his Son

Michael was a famous Olympic Swimmer. Recently retired, it was his dream to continue his legacy by teaching his son the art of swimming. They had practiced for years, and when Michael's son was ready, he was entered into his first ever tournament.

The first round was easy. After all, t...

What is Michael Jackson’s preferred pronoun?

Hee hee

What do Michael J. Fox and the new guy at the warehouse have in common?

Both have trouble with the fork lift

A man in the supermarket reminded me of Michael Jackson today.

He said, “Don’t forget about Michael Jackson”.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Michael Jackson wrote a song about my sex life

Beat it

Jimmy Carr Joke - Socially Unacceptable

JC - I can do a brilliant Michael Jackson impersonation - would you like to see it?

Crowd - YES!

JC - I just need a young volunteer that can keep a secret

(laughter ....)

(\* hope and pray that I've offended none broke no posting rules \*)

Why Did Michael Jackson's Guitarist Quit?

Michael asked him to drop the G-string and put the D into A minor.

Why did Michael Jackson get food poisoning?

He ate a 7 year old wiener.

I REMEMBER WHEN MICHAEL JACKSON WAS IN THE CARDIAC WARD FIGHTING HEART FAILURE.

Now they tell me he was in the children's ward having a stroke.

(NSFW) why did Michael Jackson deliberately lose races ?

He enjoys coming in a little behind

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