Why was Michael Jackson bad at chess?

He couldn't decide if he was black or white.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Michael Phelps has began covering Eminem songs!

My favorite song from his new album is the Real Swim Shady.

What is Michael Jackson's favorite lunchtime meal?

Grilled Chee-heese

I identify as Michael Jackson

My pronouns are he/hee

What is Dwight Schrutes favourite Michael Jackson song?

Beet it.

Donald Trump and Michael Pence are having a race from the roof of a very tall building. They both decide to jump down, as it’s the fastest way down. Who wins?

Society

I really wanted to share a link to Weird Al's 1984 Michael Jackson parody today but I realized

That I can't have my Cake Day and Eat It, too.

Michael Phelps is in bed with his wife and in the mood. Phelps gives her 'the look' and says "C'mon baby, I'm ready to go for the gold."

Phelps' wife sighs a bit and says "How about you go for the silver tonight and let me come first for once?"

I swear I've just seen Michael J Fox in my local Garden Centre....

Can't be 100% certain though as he had his Back to the Fuchsia.

What was Michael Jackson's favorite chord?

A minor

What's the name of the clothes shop Michael Jackson visited the most?

Billie JEANS

Michael from V-Sause walks into a bar.

Or at least that's what may have happened.... right?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Michael and The Parrot

I'm gonna try to translate an Albanian Joke
It's hard to translate but I'll try:

Michael and the parrot

Michael had an talking parrot and wants to sell him and make some money. But the parrot had a problem that he offended anyone that he didn't like.
First comes a man with weird...

What did Darth Vader say when the record store employee told him they were out of George Michael albums?

I find your lack of 'Faith' disturbing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: Do you know why Michael J. Fox makes such good milkshakes?

A: Because he uses quality ingredients, what did you think asshole?

Michael: What do you call a terminator that doesn't let you finish your sentence?

Jim: Wha-

Michael: An interrupter.

What’s Michael Jackson’s favourite narcotic?

LSDeehee

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just bought my new car stereo, which is voice activated.

If I shout "country" it plays Dolly Parton, if I shout "rock" it plays Guns and Roses. I was driving through town the other day when some children ran out in front of me, I shouted "FUCKING KIDS!" and it started playing Michael Jackson.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up:?'Patrick Henry, 1775'he said.

'Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, f...

Did you hear about the michael jackson impersonator who expertly robbed a bank?

He was a smooth criminal

Anne Frank, Michael Jackson, and Helen Keller walk into a bar...

Just kidding they're all dead.

Two nuns are walking down the street when they notice that a man is following them.

Sister Michael, the older and wiser nun, says to the young and naïve Sister Patrick, "See that crossroad ahead? You go left and I'll go right: he can't follow us both. We'll meet back at the Abbey."

So the sisters part and the man follows Sister Michael.

Some time later, Sister Patrick...

Surgeon: “Just relax, Michael. It’s just a small surgery.”

Patient: “My name isn’t Michael.”


Surgeon: “I know, my name is Michael.”

Did you hear they were making a McJackson burger for Michael Jackson

It a 50 year old piece of meat in a 12 year old bun

You do the Math

A lawyer writes a letter to his wife Janie...

My Dear Janie,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not...

Michael J Fox stole my old iPhone & hacked his way into it.

I think he’s looking for The Secret of my 6S

How did Michael Jackson get corona?

He was only wearing one glove.

Who's Michael J. Fox's favorite author?

Shake-spear

At least little Johnny has manners

A teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee."

The teacher respon...

George Michael once damaged his ears while cleaning them...

Careless Swissper

What did they do with Michael Jackson when he died?

Well, he had so many plastic surgeries that they melted him down into LEGOs... Now kids play with him for a change.

Two balloons are at a party. One turns to the other and says "Hey, did you see that needle? It looked like Michael Jackson! "

"Sure," replies the other, "they call it the King of Pop."

If Michael Sheen has a daughter he should name her Florence.

And her middle name? Andthema.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A married man was having an extra-marital affair

One day when he was visiting his girlfriend,when she requested that he shave his beard.

“Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face.”

James replied,“My wife loves this beard. I couldn’t possibly do it. She would kill me!!”

“Oh please?” the gir...

Michael J. Fox has contracted coronavirus

Contact tracing shows he got it from shaking hands

Is your name Michael?

Thanks.




I'm doing a Mike Check.

Pretty sure I saw Michael J Fox at the garden center this morning, it certainly looked like him..

But he had his back to the fuchsia....

So I'm walking down the road I feel something hit me on the head.

So I look around I see it's a mango.

Next thing a tub of yoghurt comes out of nowhere and smacks me in the face and splashes yoghurt all over me. Then I get whacked in the neck with a banana and I take a paya-paya to the head and it knocks me out.

So I wake up and the police are the...

An old dying man invites 3 of his friends to his deathbed and asks a favor...

He says, ‟We have been as brothers for longer than I can remember, and while I was ont rich in life, I'd like to bring some wealth with me as I die. If you could each leave $5,000 in my coffin, it would bring me great peace.”

The three men saw no fault in this, as they were all very rich, and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Teddy’s doing very poorly in math, so his parents enroll him in Catholic school.

The first day home from St. Michael’s, he walks straight to his room to do his math homework. After dinner Teddy marches back upstairs and starts calculating again.

 

His mother visits his room and says, “You’re working awfully hard!”

 

“Well,” Teddy replies, “today when ...

Why did Michael Jackson go to K-Mart (NSFW)

He heard little boys pants were half off

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a long one. Michael J. Fox has a short one. Madonna does not have one. The Pope does not really use his. And Justin Bieber always uses his. What is it?

A last name

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many Redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

17 purists who use candles and...

Michael Cera doesn't take girls on dates...

He Cera-nades them.

Michael Jackson and Darth Vader!

Neither wanted to remain on the Dark Side!

How did michael jackson pick his nose

With a catalog

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'

'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'
...

Michael Jordan, Scottie Pippen, and Dennis Rodman are set to compete against each other in a wordplay competition in Spain

The Punning Of The Bulls

I heard Michael Jackson actually died of food poisoning.

He ate some 12 year old nuts

I was just telling my friend Michael Rains about my unfortunate allergy to my own grown barley

My grains give me migraines, Mike Rains

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Darth Vader walks into his local record shop and asks for a copy of George Michael's debut solo album

The guy behind the counter says "I'm sorry, it's out of stock."

Darth Vader shakes his head and says "I find your lack of Faith disturbing..."

I used to laugh at Michael Jackson for wearing gloves and a mask.....

Yet here i am, stuck at home in this covid19 Thriller,
Beating it.....

Michael Jackson

Remember laughing at Michael Jackson wearing a mask and gloves?

Now you are all out there looking like you wanna be starting something!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An oldie in honor of Sir Sean Connery, RIP

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson and bragged that, despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night.

Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Cilla says, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer....

You're walking alone on a street when a person slaps you with a silk glove and runs away. As you watch them run, 2 cops are chasing them. Michael Jackson was right...

You've been hit by, you've been stuck by, a smooth criminal.

Michael Bloomberg will not pick Hillary Clinton as his VP

He's not ready to commit suicide

LMAO IM AT MY SCHOOL TALENT SHOW AND DUDE SAYS “Before I begin, I want to make sure this mic is working”

“If your name is Michael, please stand up”

Then a couple dudes stand up

And he goes “That concludes the mike check”



stolen from twitter @ cheyrubi

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired, 'Where have you been?'
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, 'Look, Michael. Look what I've made.'
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, 'What is it?'
'It's a planet,' replied God, 'and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's...

Michael Murphy is sitting at his local pub, tossing back pint after pint of Murphy's...

Closing time arrives, and a drunken Michael tries to get up off of his bar stool only to fall flat on his face.

Drunk but determined, Michael drags himself across the pub floor to the exit. He drags himself to his home a few blocks away and decides to sleep it off on the couch as not to wake ...

What's the difference between COVID 19 and Michael Jackson?

Covid 19 doesn't appear to touch kids.

Michael and Jerry are two third graders in the same school. One day, Michael told Jerry: “I just learned a neat trick that made me twenty bucks yesterday.”

“Really? What’s the trick?” Asked Jerry.

“It’s easy.” Michael said “Just go up to an adult and whisper in their ears: ‘I know everything about that dirty little secret of yours, now give me ten bucks, or else’ ; I’ve tried it on my parents last night and it totally worked!”

Excited, Je...

How would you call Michael Jackson’s denim store?

Billie Jeans

Job application...

This is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald's fast food establishment.
Not sure if they hired him....

NAME - Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION - Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My first attempt at a joke in English (I'm Italian)

A group of friends is playing poker.

Now it's Michael's turn to give cards. He's got a broken hand in a cast, so he starts to shuffle them clumsily. He's really pissed at his condition and gets mad.

His friend Jim then interrupts him and says:

"Look, the problem is not the broke...

How do you know it’s bedtime at Michael Jackson’s house?

Because the big hand is touching the little hand.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whats the difference between michael phelps and hitler?

Michael phelps can finish a race.

I accidentally swallowed some poison last night, and I had the strangest hallucination.

I was looking out of my window, and a group of former athletes walked by. Baseball players Don Mattingly, Pete Rose, and Ray Knight we’re talking with Konrad Dorn, an Austrian hockey player. Football superstars Troy Aikman and Emmett Smith were carrying guitars.

Next, a group of men from the ...

Michael J Fox grabs a soda...

His friend says: “You never drink those.”

Michael replies: “I just figured I’d shake things up”

What did Michael Jackson say before he died?

OW!!!

A man named Michael Foot was put in charge of a committee on the disposal of nuclear weapons

"Foot Heads Arms Body"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a party with R. Kelly and Michael Jackson always have?

Hee hee and Pee pee.

You sick fucks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What pronouns does a person who sexualy identifies as Michael Jackson use?

He/heee

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between me and Michael J. Fox?

When I furiously masturbate in front of a urinal, i get thrown out of the building

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the mods of r/iamatotalpieceofshit cross the road?

To collect money from Joel Michael Singer.

Michael Jackson goes to the doctor

Michael Jackson: Help doctor I've been shot.
Doctor: I cant fix that but I can change your skin color so it doesn't happen again.

As you may know, we have approached the 10th anniversary on the death of Michael Jackson...

I think we should pause and think of all those he's touched.

Why isn’t Michael Jackson a good chess player?

Because he’s dead

What did Michael Jackson have in common with a second-place NASCAR driver?

They both came in a little behind.

What do Kurt Cobain and Michael Angelo have in common?

They both used their brains to paint ceilings.

We named our guitar school after Michael Jackson

First lesson: fingering A minor

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy in a white collar prison meets his new cellmate.

"What the fuck happened to you?"

The new guy sits and unloads his story. "I'll tell you what happened to me. This fucking genie happened to me. I never told anyone this but a while back I found this lamp. I took it and a fucking genie came out and offered me three wishes. I didn't know anythi...

I'm having mixed feelings about being a Michael Jackson impersonator.

On one hand, you get to wear a cool white glove.

On the other hand, you don't.

I don’t think Michael Jackson would make for a good documentary

He’d make a better thriller

A fisherman’s joke

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Claddaghduff, an Irish man answered his door to find a grim-faced Constable & one waiting in the front yard. "We're sorry, Mr. O’ Flynn, but we have some information about your dear wife, Maureen" said one of the officers.

"Tell...

Michael Jackson invited a young boy for a sleepover.

Everytime the boy would begin to drop off to sleep, he'd hear a noise, he'd look up and Michael would slink off out of the room and then behind the door. The boy grabbed the pillow and forced his eye to remain open. As soon as the boy fell asleep Michael came back in the room. In the end he could ta...

Whats the first thing Michael Jackson does when he spawns in on Minecraft?

He punches a trhee-hee

George Michael would make a pretty good Fremen.

Guilty feet have got no rhythm.

^^^^^Yes ^^^^^I ^^^^^am ^^^^^a ^^^^^complete ^^^^^nerd, ^^^^^stop ^^^^^looking ^^^^^at ^^^^^me ^^^^^like ^^^^^that.

When I was a young, I loved basketball and was a huge Michael Jordan fan. But I wasn't sure if I had enough talent to become a pro player. Until one day I saw this huge poster. In the poster Jordan points at me and the caption reads "JUST DO IT". I got tears in my eyes and decided "I will do IT! ".

That's how I became a web developer.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.