Everybody knows Alan Turing who cracked the enigma codes

[removed]

Alan Turing wasn't accepted when he was alive

And now, when he's going to be on the new £50 note, won't be accepted in death either.

Vincent Price is taller than Alan Price, who is heavier than Katie Price

As I discovered on this Price comparison website

Everyone knows Alan Turing who cracked Enigma codes.

But nobody knows his sister Kay, who provided drinks, snacks and sandwiches for him and his colleagues during that time.

A newly married Alan goes to the meet Father George

He greets the priest and says, 'Father, I need to talk to you.'

The Priest asks, 'Is it a confession, my son?'

Alan replies, 'No, Father! I need to clarify something.'

The Priest takes Alan to his private chamber and says, 'Tell me, Alan. What is it?'

Alan asks, 'Father,...

“Dad, why is my sister called Teresa?” “Well son, your mum really really loves Easter, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter”

“Thanks Dad”

“You're welcome Alan”

A boy asked his father "Why is my sister named Theresa?" "Because your mother loves Easter and Theresa is an anagram." "Thanks dad."

"Your welcome Alan."

Help! My husband keeps pressuring me to try Alan.

Also, how do I turn off predictive text?

My mom always wanted to name her kids with the 4 same letters. There's my two sisters Lana and Nala, and then there's me...

Alan.

Alan takes his wife fishing

On a usual trip he catches 10-15 fish. He's gobsmacked when the pair of them manage a haul of over 100! He decided to enter them both into the local fishing competition.

The day of the competition rolls around, and each of the Anglers take it in turns. The first man is a big beefy lad, and he...

Alan Loved his tractors

Alan has been a fan of tractors since he was a young boy. He grew up on a farm and was obsessed with the giant machines. He ate, slept and drank tractors, his room was covered with posters of them, bed sheets, t-shirts, the whole works.

He met a girl, fell in love and eventually got married....

What's Edgar Alan Poe's favorite vegetable to eat?

Corn on the macabre!

Alan Dershowitz has defended O.J. Simpson, Jeffrey Epstein, and Donald Trump

The stabber, the nabber, and the grabber

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Three tortoises, Mick, Alan and Les, decide to go on a picnic

So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.


When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. "Ok Les, give me the bottle opener."


"I didn't bring it," says Les. "I thou...

Alan Dershowitz privately counselled Senate Republicans on how to handle the articles of impeachment for Donald Trump

He said “If you’re not Mitt, you must acquit.”

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Alan Titchmarsh told this joke at my graduation

A wife and husband lived in a house with a horrible garden.

Every day the wife would stare out her kitchen window at the garden and sigh. She wanted water features and flower beds put in, and a paved area to eat alfresco on.

Every day she would turn to her husband and say ‘darling pl...

What did Alan Rickman say when he stood over David Bowie's grave?

Do you mind if I Slytherin?

Alan Walker was already a millionaire when he was 19

Where are you now

Hi Alan – It’s John from next door. I need to talk to you about

something I am very ashamed of and know you will probably be quite angry about. The last 3 months we have been sharing your wife. Not every day, but at least 3 times a week and my girlfriend found out yesterday and is making me tell you. I didn’t want to tell you face to face so decide to message yo...

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My girlfriend told me to fuck her like a man.

So I stuck it in her ass and said, "Yeah, you like that Alan."

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A teacher asked her third grade class to name things that ended with “tor” that eat other things.

The first little boy said, "Alligator."
"Very good James, that's a big word." The second boy said, "Predator." “Yes, that's another big word Alan. Very well done." Little Johnny says, "Vibrator." After nearly falling off her chair, the teacher says,"That is a big word Johnny, but it doesn't eat a...

Alan and Philip sit down at the bar

Bar tender asks what can I get you tools?

This year in Heaven the Christmas celebration was also a costume party. Everyone dressed up.

Many people came as movie characters, from Gandalf the Grey (and White) to Jason Bourne to Black Widow to Harry Potter. Alan Rickman went as Hans Gruber, which made St. Peter exclaim "See, Die Hard IS a Christmas movie!" St. Peter was dressed as the "Fragile" lamp from A Christmas Story. Moses showe...

2 cannibals Greg and Alan

Greg and Alan start eating their fresh kill, Greg starts at the head and Alan starts at the feet.

About 15 minutes into dinner Greg, eating the head still, asks the Alan how he is doing

Alan replies "I'm having a ball Greg."

Greg says "slow down your eating too fast."

Dad, why did you name the new baby Teresa?

Well son, Teresa is an anagram. If you rearrange the letters, it spells “Easter”.

-Oh, so you named her that on account of how much you and mom love Easter.

Yes, that’s right, Alan.

-Thanks, Dad!

Never Text an Apology

THE ORIGINAL TEXT MESSAGE:
Hi Bob, This is Alan next door. I’m sorry buddy, but I have a
confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few
months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to
your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can’t l...

What did the funeral director do with Alan Turing's dead body?

He encrypted it

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So this guy Eric Bush's father Alan died last Saturday

And in the will it was stated that his entire multi-million-dollar fortune would go to Eric. He was delighted, but his bequest was dependent on a single condition: that he had to spend $10,000 of that fortune the night of the will's reading. Sort of a Brewster's Millions type of situation, ya know?...

People say nothing is impossible

But i do nothing every day.

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Dirtiest joke on The Tonight Show (SFW)

Alan King was on The Tonight Show and told Johnny Carson that he was going to tell the dirtiest joke ever told on network TV and the censors wouldn’t bleep a single word. This was many years ago, so I’ve likely changed a few minor details.

Jim was a successful stockbroker, but finally grew w...

There was a substitute teacher that was replacing his friend in a rural school.

So the teacher came in and introduced himself. He asked the pupils to introduce themselves and tell the class what is their hobby.



He pointed a kid and asked him the question. He stood up and responded "Hi, my name is Andrew and I love to fish at the lake while watching sunset." The t...

Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?

“Well son, you see, your mom really likes Easter, and so we used an anagram of that to name your sister.”

“Got it, thanks Dad!”

“No problem, Alan.”



[Just heard this from a colleague, apologies in advance if this is a repost in this sub]

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My new girlfriend has just told me that she loves anal.

Edit: turns out she's dyslexic and loves Alan.

Moms favorite things

Kid: "Dad, why did you decide to name my little sister Teresa?"

Dad: "It was your moms idea mainly. She decided that she would name all her children after things she absolutely loved. Teresa is an anagram of the word Easter, and it's your moms favorite holiday."

Kid: "Huh, that makes s...

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What do dyslexic gays love?

Alan

When does a regular joke become a dad joke?

When the punchline becomes apparent. Except for the fact it decided to stop being one and mysteriously vanished one night, cleaned out our joint bank account, never calls, never showed up to court, never remembers the kids' birthdays, never made their little league games, refuses to pay child suppor...

A dog goes into a hardware store...

...and says: “I’d like a job please”. The hardware store owner says: “We don’t hire talking dogs, why don’t you go join the circus?” The dog replies: “What would the circus want with a plumber”.

-Steven Alan Green

Penitent Parrot

A young man named Alan received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. Alan tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, pla...

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A distraught Welshman sits down at a bar...

He orders a beer from the bartender and sighs. The bartender, hearing the exasperated sigh, asks "what's the matter, Alan?" Alan, after taking another sip of his beer says "I built the bridge over the river that leads in town, but you guys don't call me Alan the bridge builder." The bartender roll...

You have to wonder about a country where the bombs

... are smarter than the high school graduates. At least the bombs can find Iraq on the maps.




(quote by
Alan Whitney Brown of SNL fame)

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John arrives home from work one day to hear a voice in his head telling him to quit his job

...quit his job, sell it all, and fly to Vegas. Day after day, it is the same thing. "John, quit your job, sell the house, don't tell the wife, and fly to Vegas."

Over time it starts to get more and more specific.

"John, quit your job at the bank. Sell the house for no less than $200k...

The winter in Gull Lake Alberta . . .

Alan and Sandra lived on a cove at Gull Lake Alberta. It was early winter and the lower portion of the cove had frozen over. Alan asked
Sandra if she would walk across the frozen part of the cove to the
general store and get him some smokes and beer. She asked him for some money, but he t...

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