Alan Dershowitz privately counselled Senate Republicans on how to handle the articles of impeachment for Donald Trump

He said “If you’re not Mitt, you must acquit.”

Alan Dershowitz has defended O.J. Simpson, Jeffrey Epstein, and Donald Trump

The stabber, the nabber, and the grabber

Alan takes his wife fishing

On a usual trip he catches 10-15 fish. He's gobsmacked when the pair of them manage a haul of over 100! He decided to enter them both into the local fishing competition.

The day of the competition rolls around, and each of the Anglers take it in turns. The first man is a big beefy lad, and he...

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My girlfriend told me to fuck her like a man.

So I stuck it in her ass and said, "Yeah, you like that Alan."

What's Edgar Alan Poe's favorite vegetable to eat?

Corn on the macabre!

A son asks his dad, "Why is my sister named Teresa?"

"Because your mom loves Easter, and Teresa is an anagram for Easter."

"Thanks Dad!"

"You're welcome Alan."

Alan Loved his tractors

Alan has been a fan of tractors since he was a young boy. He grew up on a farm and was obsessed with the giant machines. He ate, slept and drank tractors, his room was covered with posters of them, bed sheets, t-shirts, the whole works.

He met a girl, fell in love and eventually got married....

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Three tortoises, Mick, Alan and Les, decide to go on a picnic

So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.


When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. "Ok Les, give me the bottle opener."


"I didn't bring it," says Les. "I thou...

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Alan Titchmarsh told this joke at my graduation

A wife and husband lived in a house with a horrible garden.

Every day the wife would stare out her kitchen window at the garden and sigh. She wanted water features and flower beds put in, and a paved area to eat alfresco on.

Every day she would turn to her husband and say ‘darling pl...

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Alan Turing goes to spend the night at his girlfriend's place.

He knocks on the door, and her father opens up. He then puts his hand out and says: "Good evening, sir, I'm Turing and I'm here to fuck your daughter."

"To WHAT???"

"Tu-ring"

Dad, why did you name the new baby Teresa?

Well son, Teresa is an anagram. If you rearrange the letters, it spells “Easter”.

-Oh, so you named her that on account of how much you and mom love Easter.

Yes, that’s right, Alan.

-Thanks, Dad!

Alan Walker was already a millionaire when he was 19

Where are you now

Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?

“Well son, you see, your mom really likes Easter, and so we used an anagram of that to name your sister.”

“Got it, thanks Dad!”

“No problem, Alan.”



[Just heard this from a colleague, apologies in advance if this is a repost in this sub]

Do you know what's better than Alan one-dick?

Alan Tu-dyk...

(*bah-dum-tish*)

Vincent Price was taller than Katie Price, and heavier than Alan Price

I learned this on a price comparison site.

What did Alan Rickman say when he stood over David Bowie's grave?

Do you mind if I Slytherin?

Alan and Philip sit down at the bar

Bar tender asks what can I get you tools?

Hi Alan – It’s John from next door. I need to talk to you about

something I am very ashamed of and know you will probably be quite angry about. The last 3 months we have been sharing your wife. Not every day, but at least 3 times a week and my girlfriend found out yesterday and is making me tell you. I didn’t want to tell you face to face so decide to message yo...

2 cannibals Greg and Alan

Greg and Alan start eating their fresh kill, Greg starts at the head and Alan starts at the feet.

About 15 minutes into dinner Greg, eating the head still, asks the Alan how he is doing

Alan replies "I'm having a ball Greg."

Greg says "slow down your eating too fast."

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Why did Alan Turing love matrices ending in zero?

Cause he was a homo genius.

Never Text an Apology

THE ORIGINAL TEXT MESSAGE:
Hi Bob, This is Alan next door. I’m sorry buddy, but I have a
confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few
months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to
your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can’t l...

Q: What was the first Harry Potter Movie...

A: Die Hard. A man sneaks around a tower trying to avoid Alan Rickman.

What did the funeral director do with Alan Turing's dead body?

He encrypted it

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Alan Finkelkraut goes to Israel to die...

Alan Finkelkraut, an upstanding member of the Teaneck Jewish community, upon his retirement at the age of 70 from the family furniture business decides that finally the time had come for him to make the move that he couldn't have before - to move to Israel where he can end his days.

Over a sm...

There was a substitute teacher that was replacing his friend in a rural school.

So the teacher came in and introduced himself. He asked the pupils to introduce themselves and tell the class what is their hobby.



He pointed a kid and asked him the question. He stood up and responded "Hi, my name is Andrew and I love to fish at the lake while watching sunset." The t...

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What is the speciality of Alan Turing?

He was homogeneous

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My new girlfriend has just told me that she loves anal.

Edit: turns out she's dyslexic and loves Alan.

Moms favorite things

Kid: "Dad, why did you decide to name my little sister Teresa?"

Dad: "It was your moms idea mainly. She decided that she would name all her children after things she absolutely loved. Teresa is an anagram of the word Easter, and it's your moms favorite holiday."

Kid: "Huh, that makes s...

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What do dyslexic gays love?

Alan

A teacher asked her third grade class to

name things that ended with “tor” that eat things.
The first little boy said, “Alligator.”
“Very good James, that’s a big word.”
The second boy said, “Predator.”
“Yes, that’s another big word Alan. Very well done.”
Little Johnny says, “Vibrator.”
After nearly falling off her cha...

A dog goes into a hardware store...

...and says: “I’d like a job please”. The hardware store owner says: “We don’t hire talking dogs, why don’t you go join the circus?” The dog replies: “What would the circus want with a plumber”.

-Steven Alan Green

When does a regular joke become a dad joke?

When the punchline becomes apparent. Except for the fact it decided to stop being one and mysteriously vanished one night, cleaned out our joint bank account, never calls, never showed up to court, never remembers the kids' birthdays, never made their little league games, refuses to pay child suppor...

You have to wonder about a country where the bombs

... are smarter than the high school graduates. At least the bombs can find Iraq on the maps.




(quote by
Alan Whitney Brown of SNL fame)

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A distraught Welshman sits down at a bar...

He orders a beer from the bartender and sighs. The bartender, hearing the exasperated sigh, asks "what's the matter, Alan?" Alan, after taking another sip of his beer says "I built the bridge over the river that leads in town, but you guys don't call me Alan the bridge builder." The bartender roll...

Penitent Parrot

A young man named Alan received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. Alan tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, pla...

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John arrives home from work one day to hear a voice in his head telling him to quit his job

...quit his job, sell it all, and fly to Vegas. Day after day, it is the same thing. "John, quit your job, sell the house, don't tell the wife, and fly to Vegas."

Over time it starts to get more and more specific.

"John, quit your job at the bank. Sell the house for no less than $200k...

The winter in Gull Lake Alberta . . .

Alan and Sandra lived on a cove at Gull Lake Alberta. It was early winter and the lower portion of the cove had frozen over. Alan asked
Sandra if she would walk across the frozen part of the cove to the
general store and get him some smokes and beer. She asked him for some money, but he t...

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