UPJOKE
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Everyone knows Alan Turing, who cracked Enigma codes.

But nobody knows his sister Kate, who provided drinks, snacks and sandwiches for him and his colleagues during that time.

THE ORIGINAL TEXT MESSAGE: Hi Bob, This is Alan next door. I’m sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you.

I've been riddled with guilt these past few
months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to
your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can’t live with
myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is I have been
sharing your wife, day and night when ...

What’s the most underrated joke you’ve heard in a movie?

Mine is from The Hangover:

Alan: I can't afford to lose somebody close to me again, it hurts too much. I was so upset when my grandpa died.

Phil: How'd he die?

Alan: World War II.

Phil: Died in battle?

Alan: No, he was skiing in Vermont, it was just during World Wa...

Vincent Price is taller than Alan Price, who is heavier than Katie Price

As I discovered on this Price comparison website

Have you heard of Alan Walker’s criminal brother?

Jay Walker

Help! My husband keeps pressuring me to try Alan.

Also, how do I turn off predictive text?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today was the worst day of my life...

First, my doctor tells me I'm dyslexic. Then, my wife texts me saying she's looking to spice up our sex life by doing Alan. Who the fuck is Alan?!

Alan Turing wasn't accepted when he was alive

And now, when he's going to be on the new £50 note, won't be accepted in death either.

Alan Loved his tractors

Alan has been a fan of tractors since he was a young boy. He grew up on a farm and was obsessed with the giant machines. He ate, slept and drank tractors, his room was covered with posters of them, bed sheets, t-shirts, the whole works.

He met a girl, fell in love and eventually got married....

A newly married Alan goes to the meet Father George

He greets the priest and says, 'Father, I need to talk to you.'

The Priest asks, 'Is it a confession, my son?'

Alan replies, 'No, Father! I need to clarify something.'

The Priest takes Alan to his private chamber and says, 'Tell me, Alan. What is it?'

Alan asks, 'Father,...

Alan takes his wife fishing

On a usual trip he catches 10-15 fish. He's gobsmacked when the pair of them manage a haul of over 100! He decided to enter them both into the local fishing competition.

The day of the competition rolls around, and each of the Anglers take it in turns. The first man is a big beefy lad, and he...

Alan Dershowitz has defended O.J. Simpson, Jeffrey Epstein, and Donald Trump

The stabber, the nabber, and the grabber

What do you call an alien with no eyes?

Alan

(This works better verbally...)

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My girlfriend told me to fuck her like a man.

So I stuck it in her ass and said, "Yeah, you like that Alan."

No problem Alan

Son: Why is my sister called Teresa?

Dad: Coz your mum loves Easter - it's an anagram

Son: Thanks dad

Dad: No problem Alan

What's Edgar Alan Poe's favorite vegetable to eat?

Corn on the macabre!

A boy asked his father "Why is my sister named Theresa?" "Because your mother loves Easter and Theresa is an anagram." "Thanks dad."

"Your welcome Alan."

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Alan Titchmarsh told this joke at my graduation

A wife and husband lived in a house with a horrible garden.

Every day the wife would stare out her kitchen window at the garden and sigh. She wanted water features and flower beds put in, and a paved area to eat alfresco on.

Every day she would turn to her husband and say ‘darling pl...

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Three tortoises, Mick, Alan and Les, decide to go on a picnic

So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.


When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. "Ok Les, give me the bottle opener."


"I didn't bring it," says Les. "I thou...

What did Alan Rickman say when he stood over David Bowie's grave?

Do you mind if I Slytherin?

My mom always wanted to name her kids with the 4 same letters. There's my two sisters Lana and Nala, and then there's me...

Alan.

Alan and Philip sit down at the bar

Bar tender asks what can I get you tools?

“Hey dad, why is my sisters name Teresa?”

“Your mother named her after her love for Easter, and when you rearrange the letters you get Easter.”

“Alright, thanks dad..”

“No problem Alan!”

Alan Dershowitz privately counselled Senate Republicans on how to handle the articles of impeachment for Donald Trump

He said “If you’re not Mitt, you must acquit.”

Hi Alan – It’s John from next door. I need to talk to you about

something I am very ashamed of and know you will probably be quite angry about. The last 3 months we have been sharing your wife. Not every day, but at least 3 times a week and my girlfriend found out yesterday and is making me tell you. I didn’t want to tell you face to face so decide to message yo...

My 9 year old son asked "Daddy... why is mummy called Teresa?"

Me: "Oh, well that's easy! You see, your mummy really really, REALLY loves Easter... Teresa is an anagram of Easter, see?"

Using a pen and paper I showed him once more - Easter....Teresa.

Him: "Wow dad that's SO cool! Thanks dad!!"

Me: "Hey, no problem Alan"

Alan Walker was already a millionaire when he was 19

Where are you now

2 cannibals Greg and Alan

Greg and Alan start eating their fresh kill, Greg starts at the head and Alan starts at the feet.

About 15 minutes into dinner Greg, eating the head still, asks the Alan how he is doing

Alan replies "I'm having a ball Greg."

Greg says "slow down your eating too fast."

What did the funeral director do with Alan Turing's dead body?

He encrypted it

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Alan Finkelkraut goes to Israel to die...

Alan Finkelkraut, an upstanding member of the Teaneck Jewish community, upon his retirement at the age of 70 from the family furniture business decides that finally the time had come for him to make the move that he couldn't have before - to move to Israel where he can end his days.

Over a sm...

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So this guy Eric Bush's father Alan died last Saturday

And in the will it was stated that his entire multi-million-dollar fortune would go to Eric. He was delighted, but his bequest was dependent on a single condition: that he had to spend $10,000 of that fortune the night of the will's reading. Sort of a Brewster's Millions type of situation, ya know?...

My parents named me and my sister after anagrams of things they love most...

So my sister is Teresa because they love Easter, still not worked out why I'm called Alan.

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Charlie Harper in Two and a half Men, Season 1 Episode 16

Alan: "I feel sorry that your heart has become so hard and small, that you've lost the capacity to connect with another human being on any level any more meaningful, than the inebriated exchange of bodily fluids.



"Charlie: "Boy, leave it to you to take a beautiful thing like drunken s...

Dad, why did you name the new baby Teresa?

Well son, Teresa is an anagram. If you rearrange the letters, it spells “Easter”.

-Oh, so you named her that on account of how much you and mom love Easter.

Yes, that’s right, Alan.

-Thanks, Dad!

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A teacher asked her third grade class to name things that ended with “tor” that eat other things.

The first little boy said, "Alligator."
"Very good James, that's a big word." The second boy said, "Predator." “Yes, that's another big word Alan. Very well done." Little Johnny says, "Vibrator." After nearly falling off her chair, the teacher says,"That is a big word Johnny, but it doesn't eat a...

This year in Heaven the Christmas celebration was also a costume party. Everyone dressed up.

Many people came as movie characters, from Gandalf the Grey (and White) to Jason Bourne to Black Widow to Harry Potter. Alan Rickman went as Hans Gruber, which made St. Peter exclaim "See, Die Hard IS a Christmas movie!" St. Peter was dressed as the "Fragile" lamp from A Christmas Story. Moses showe...

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Dirtiest joke on The Tonight Show (SFW)

Alan King was on The Tonight Show and told Johnny Carson that he was going to tell the dirtiest joke ever told on network TV and the censors wouldn’t bleep a single word. This was many years ago, so I’ve likely changed a few minor details.

Jim was a successful stockbroker, but finally grew w...

Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?

“Well son, you see, your mom really likes Easter, and so we used an anagram of that to name your sister.”

“Got it, thanks Dad!”

“No problem, Alan.”



[Just heard this from a colleague, apologies in advance if this is a repost in this sub]

People say nothing is impossible

But i do nothing every day.

There was a substitute teacher that was replacing his friend in a rural school.

So the teacher came in and introduced himself. He asked the pupils to introduce themselves and tell the class what is their hobby.



He pointed a kid and asked him the question. He stood up and responded "Hi, my name is Andrew and I love to fish at the lake while watching sunset." The t...

A dog goes into a hardware store...

...and says: “I’d like a job please”. The hardware store owner says: “We don’t hire talking dogs, why don’t you go join the circus?” The dog replies: “What would the circus want with a plumber”.

-Steven Alan Green

Moms favorite things

Kid: "Dad, why did you decide to name my little sister Teresa?"

Dad: "It was your moms idea mainly. She decided that she would name all her children after things she absolutely loved. Teresa is an anagram of the word Easter, and it's your moms favorite holiday."

Kid: "Huh, that makes s...

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I'm about 80% Deaf

\(This was written with a delivery in mind. Line breaks are very brief pauses. Also yes, I'm really 80% Deaf\)

\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_

When you're 80% Deaf, you ...

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My new girlfriend has just told me that she loves anal.

Edit: turns out she's dyslexic and loves Alan.

Penitent Parrot

A young man named Alan received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. Alan tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, pla...

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A distraught Welshman sits down at a bar...

He orders a beer from the bartender and sighs. The bartender, hearing the exasperated sigh, asks "what's the matter, Alan?" Alan, after taking another sip of his beer says "I built the bridge over the river that leads in town, but you guys don't call me Alan the bridge builder." The bartender roll...

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What do dyslexic gays love?

Alan

When does a regular joke become a dad joke?

When the punchline becomes apparent. Except for the fact it decided to stop being one and mysteriously vanished one night, cleaned out our joint bank account, never calls, never showed up to court, never remembers the kids' birthdays, never made their little league games, refuses to pay child suppor...

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John arrives home from work one day to hear a voice in his head telling him to quit his job

...quit his job, sell it all, and fly to Vegas. Day after day, it is the same thing. "John, quit your job, sell the house, don't tell the wife, and fly to Vegas."

Over time it starts to get more and more specific.

"John, quit your job at the bank. Sell the house for no less than $200k...

The winter in Gull Lake Alberta . . .

Alan and Sandra lived on a cove at Gull Lake Alberta. It was early winter and the lower portion of the cove had frozen over. Alan asked
Sandra if she would walk across the frozen part of the cove to the
general store and get him some smokes and beer. She asked him for some money, but he t...

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