UPJOKE
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What's the difference between John Wayne and Jack Daniels?

Jack Daniels is still killing
Indians.

Daniel LaRusso is really turned on by smooth legs...

Wax on, whacks off!

I have shop, where you can drink Jack Daniels and bake

I call it Whisky Businnes

An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that ...

Daniel Radcliffe would make a good Wolverine

Wolverine’s short and hairy; Daniel is short and Harry.

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Daniel Running Deer walked up to the customer service counter at the supermarket

He told the agent that he wanted to return a package of John Wayne brand toilet paper. She asked him what was wrong with it and Daniel said “Well it’s rough, and it’s tough, and it doesn’t take any shit off of Indians.”

The only person Trump ever hired who was actually qualified to do their job was Stormy Daniels

Now you know who the best people are

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Stormy Daniels and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.

Stormy Daniels and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day. They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.

The angel said: "Unfortunately, there's only one space available in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted.”
...

What's the difference between Amy Winehouse and Jack Daniels?

Jack Daniels comes alive when you add Coke.

The allied prisoners

During World War II, four prisoners are captured and brought back to a German base, set to await the death penalty in their cells. The prisoners are a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman and an Englishman.

One morning, a German officer comes in and tells the prisoners, "You are to be lined up a...

A guy walks into a bar..

..and orders a Jack Daniels with coke. The bartender asks if Pepsi is okay. "Whatever, sure" says the guy. So, the bartender mixes a Pepsi with coke for him.

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Did you hear about the guy who was dyslexic and gay?

He’s still in Daniel

Daniel Craig was explaining why his character had grey hair for the first time ever in the franchise.

No Time To Dye

Daniel Radcliffe could play a War Boy in Mad Max.

He is the boy who lived... and died... and lived again.

Tonight I'm planning to watch the movie where Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels play two math students

Numb and Number

We are all like Stormy Daniels now.

Just waiting for him to finish.

Have Sean Connery and Daniel Craig ever hung out?

I think they would really bond

My dad said It was Daniel Gabriel Fahrenheit and Anders Celsius to create the terms used for thermometer scales

I replied: Don't you think it's egocentric to name everything after yourself?
He said: well, to be fair they both worked hard for their degrees!

Jack Daniels couldn't be with us this evening....

.....but he's here with us in spirit.

Stormy Daniels and queen Elizabeth died on the same day and both went to heaven

When they reached the gates of heaven, god greeted them and said “sorry ladies we only have room for one of you right now, please make your best case on why I should let you in.” Stormy Daniels thinks for a minute and lifts up her shirt and jumps around. Queen Elizabeth sees this, thinks about it an...

Three old women sneak some Jack Daniels into a baseball game, taking shots after each half inning. What inning is it now?

It's the bottom of the fifth, and the bags are loaded.

A lad named Jack confronts his alcoholic father

“You stupid old man, our last name is Inoff you did this on purpose!”

His father replies “Nah I named you after Jack Daniels. But that’s pretty damn funny too!”

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The teacher of little Johnny's class asks the pupils if they can use the word 'beautiful' in a sentence...

A little boy sticks his hand up.
"Yes, Daniel"
"I saw a butterfly on my way to school this morning, and it was beautiful", says Daniel.
"Very good, Daniel", smiles the teacher, "Anybody else?".
Veronica's hand goes up. "I told my mummy last night that she looked beautiful in her new dr...

What is the name of Daniel Craig's last movie?

Probably, "Bond Voyage."

Why shouldn't you carry too many bottles of Jack Daniels?

It's pretty whiskey; you might drop one.

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My 8 year old daughter came up with this one, I've been helping her tune it. How did we do?

Jenny: wow, Mr. Daniels, you must be old enough to have known Moses!

Mr. Daniels: No, Jenny, I am not! It wasn't funny when Ben Franklin said it, and it's not funny when you say it!

Our family surname is “Daniels”

So rather hilariously we named our first child Jack.

She hates it.

Did anyone see the new Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels movie last night?

Dumb and Dumber III: Lloyd and Harry Run for President.

Daniel and Brian are cutting wood in a forest.

Daniel isn't being overly careful, and accidentally cuts his hand off. Brian, however, has some basic medical training, and helps stop the bleeding. Brian decides to wrap Daniel's severed hand up with a plastic bag and takes him to the hospital. The ER doctor sees the two and looks disappointed.
...

What’s the difference between Jack Daniels and General Custer?

General Custer stopped killing Indians 140 years ago.

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Stormy Daniels says Donald Trump paid $130,000 hush money to cover up an affair. Do you believe the bleached blond with big tits?

Or do you believe Stormy Daniels?

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The day a guy come up to me and says 'Daniel I know you fucked my mom' I'm going to be very confused.

Not because he falsely accused me of fucking his mom, but because my name isn't Daniel.

A wife is complaining about her husband spending all his time at the local tavern, so one night he takes her along with him.

"What'll ya have?" he asks.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you, I suppose," she replies.

So the husband orders a couple of Jack Daniels and gulps his down in one go.

His wife watches him, then takes a sip from her glass and immediately spits it out.

"Yuck! It tastes awful...

Back when Stormy Daniels was in high school, none of her fellow classmen realized she would go down in history.

Guys were usually getting it in the gym locker room or behind the teacher's parking lot.

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Stormy Daniels' testimony: "I felt this huge dick come into me..."

"But I never quite felt his penis."

Three friends are sitting around talking about their boyfriends

The first girl says to the other two, “let’s play a game and say a drink that we like that our boyfriends remind us of. I’ll go first. My boyfriend is like sprite; he’s light and bubbly and sooo refreshing after my last couple relationships.”

The second girl says “ok, umm… mine would be a che...

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Two boys, Nathaniel and Daniel, are captured by a madman. Daniel is sent into a room with a one way window that only Daniel could see through. On the other side, he saw his friend, Nate, with the madman...

Nate looked very frightened but if they've learned anything together during their years of friendship is that they'll always make it out of bad situations.

The madman finishes talking to Nate and walks out of the room, Nate adopting a relieved smile on his face.

Then, the madman walks...

What's the difference between Daniel Day Lewis and a Mexican Salamander?

One acts a little, one acts a lottle

I invented a new drink. Ginger beer and Jack Daniel's.

I call it the Stormy Daniel's.

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Stormy Daniels should run for president

If we're going to have an inept asshole in office I'd rather have a bleached inept asshole

I recently read that initially Daniel Radcliffe was the first choice to play Frodo Baggins, but he decided he didn't want to

I bet the producers were glad that Elijah Wood!

A friend of mine can float one inch off the ground when he drinks Jack Daniels.

He’s a bourbon legend.

Daniel has a girlfriend named Lorraine...

...She is very pretty, and he likes her a lot. One day he goes to work to find that a new girl has started work at his office. Her name is Clearly, and she is absolutely gorgeous. He begins to like her, and after a while, it becomes obvious that she is interested in him, too. But Daniel is a loyal m...

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Daniel fancied himself quite a ladies man, so when his cruise ship went down in a storm and he found himself stranded on a desert island with six women.

he couldn’t believe his good fortune. They quickly agreed that each woman would have one night a week with the only man.


Daniel threw himself into the arrangement with gusto, working even on his day off, but as the weeks stretched into months, he found himself looking forward to that day ...

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If CNN released photos of Stormy Daniels & Trump

Do you know what he'd call them?



Fake Nudes.

What does Stormy Daniels have in common with American farmers?

They both got screwed and paid off by Trump.

Michael Avenatti is no longer representing Stormy Daniels

In other words - he pulled out

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In honor of Norm Macdonald, here is my favorite joke of his.

There was a fella, a little boy in school named Dirty Johnny. He'd always be a hellion in class and the teacher didn't think much of him.

So the teacher has an in-class project, and she says "Now this is what you're gonna do here, class. I want you to stand up, and tell the class a story fro...

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Breaking: Stormi Daniels reaction to president Trumps Syria decision.

Shocked Trump pulls out when he said he would

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"12 Days Of Christmas - Bayou Style"

Day 1 Dear Boudreaux, Thanks for de bird in de Pear tree. I fix it
las' night with dirty rice. I doan tink de pear tree will grow
in the swamp, so I swap it for a Satsuma.


Day 2 Dear Boudreaux, You letter say you sent two turtle doves, but
all I got was two scrawny pigeon...

What do you have when you got a bag of weed and a bottle of Jack Daniel's?

Jackpot!

Do you think Daniel Radcliffe could ever play a hobbit?

No, but Elijah would.

A man walks into a bar sporting the worst haircut you've ever seen...

"Give me two shots of Jack Daniels," he says to the bartender. "One for me, and one for you."

"You know I don't drink on the job," the bartender says, pouring the man a shot.

Downing the drink, the man replies, "And that's why I like you better than my barber."

Scott Morrison was visiting a Sydney primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mr Morrison if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.

So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'

A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing' in the field and a tractor runs o...

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Say what you want about Stormy Daniels, but she really knows how to fuck a guy

I mean, it's been years now and she's doing it harder than ever

I'll never forget what my grandad told me before he kicked the bucket

Daniel I'm sick of this bucket

Dave wanted to go hunting for the first time by himself, yet he was afraid that he would get lost.

"I've got an idea!" Dave said. "I'll take this bottle of Jack Daniels with me." (Jack Daniels is a brand alcohol for those of you that don't know.)

He goes on his hunting trip, and before you know it, he gets lost.

Days later, a search party was dispatched to find Dave, but a week pass...

I asked my dyslexic friend if his brother has come out of the closet yet, and apparently he has

He texted me he's in daniel.

Stormy Daniels has a gag order.

How small is it that you have to tell someone to gag?

I still don't see why Daniel Radcliffe was cast for Now You See Me 2.

I just can't see him as a magician.

My girlfriend gave me the nickname Jack Daniels

Because she says I'm a hard licker!

After my best friend passed away I got his sibling a parrot to soften the blow.

Then I secretly taught it to say, "Daniel, it's your brother. Reincarnation is real!"

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Stormy Daniels was arrested for breaking an Ohio law that prohibits "anyone who isn’t a family member from touching a nude dancer."

I for one, am glad that we still live in a country where a son can still touch his mother while she dance for him.

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What do you call it when Daniel Craig has kinky sex?

Bondage!

Secretary walks into the President's room

Secretary: Mr.President, Hurricane Florence is causing trouble.
Trump: Offer her the same deal as Stormy Daniels.

Johnnie Walker, Jack Daniels and Jim Beam walk into a bar

What is this, said the bartender, Alcoholics Eponymous?

It was Ho Choo’s first time in America, and he was excited to visit an “American bar”.

He quickly locates one and finds a seat by the counter, where two other men are already seated.

The surly bartender tilts his head at the first man, who says “Jack Daniels, single.”

The bartender nods and looks towards the second man, who says, “Johnny Walker, single.”

The bart...

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What do "Damn Daniel" and pedophiles have in common?

They both have white vans

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The nun and the driver

One night, an Uber driver picked up a nun. While he was driving, the driver started to laugh insanely. "Why are you laughing?" asked the Nun "Oh it's nothing." said the Uber driver "No really" said the Nun, "I won't mind" So the driver told her, "Well, it's really silly but I've always had this fant...

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This is my original…

I was at a swanky club with my girlfriend the other night. She had on a lovely little black dress and I was in suit and tie. We had a delicious meal and I wanted to close the evening with some Jack Daniels.

So I called the waiter over and order two on the rocks. As he approached with the dri...

What kind of car does depressed Daniel drive?

Sad Dan

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A guy walks into a bar...

... and asks the bartender for a Jack and Coke. The bartender hands him an apple. The man, looking confused, asks, "What's this?" The bartender replies, "Take a bite out of the apple." The man does and surprised, he says, "Wow, this tastes like Jack Daniels!" The bartender says, "Now turn it around....

What does Mr. Miyagi do while Daniel-san waxes the car?

He wax off.

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