UPJOKE
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What's the difference between John Wayne and Jack Daniels?

Jack Daniels is still killing
Indians.

What's the difference between Amy Winehouse and Jack Daniels?

Jack Daniels comes alive when you add Coke.

Daniel Radcliffe would make a good Wolverine

Wolverine’s short and hairy; Daniel is short and Harry.

Our family surname is “Daniels”

So rather hilariously we named our first child Jack.

She hates it.

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Stormy Daniels and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.

Stormy Daniels and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day. They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.

The angel said: "Unfortunately, there's only one space available in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted.”
...

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Did you hear about the guy who was dyslexic and gay?

He’s still in Daniel

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.....

...in a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

"Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

* The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
* The bouncer is a blonde girl.
* I'm a 6...

I have shop, where you can drink Jack Daniels and bake

I call it Whisky Businnes

Secretary walks into the President's room

Secretary: Mr.President, Hurricane Florence is causing trouble.
Trump: Offer her the same deal as Stormy Daniels.

We are all like Stormy Daniels now.

Just waiting for him to finish.

Have Sean Connery and Daniel Craig ever hung out?

I think they would really bond

Why shouldn't you carry too many bottles of Jack Daniels?

It's pretty whiskey; you might drop one.

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My 8 year old daughter came up with this one, I've been helping her tune it. How did we do?

Daniel LaRusso is really turned on by smooth legs...

Wax on, whacks off!

The only person Trump ever hired who was actually qualified to do their job was Stormy Daniels

Now you know who the best people are

Daniel Radcliffe could play a War Boy in Mad Max.

He is the boy who lived... and died... and lived again.

What is the name of Daniel Craig's last movie?

Probably, "Bond Voyage."

What’s the difference between Jack Daniels and General Custer?

General Custer stopped killing Indians 140 years ago.

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From Stormy Daniels' testimony: "I felt this huge dick come inside me...

but never quite felt his penis."

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Daniel Running Deer walked up to the customer service counter at the supermarket

He told the agent that he wanted to return a package of John Wayne brand toilet paper. She asked him what was wrong with it and Daniel said “Well it’s rough, and it’s tough, and it doesn’t take any shit off of Indians.”

Daniel and Brian are cutting wood in a forest.

Daniel isn't being overly careful, and accidentally cuts his hand off. Brian, however, has some basic medical training, and helps stop the bleeding. Brian decides to wrap Daniel's severed hand up with a plastic bag and takes him to the hospital. The ER doctor sees the two and looks disappointed.
...

Tonight I'm planning to watch the movie where Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels play two math students

Numb and Number

Jenny: wow, Mr. Daniels, you must be old enough to have known Moses!

Mr. Daniels: No, Jenny, I am not! It wasn't funny when Ben Franklin said it, and it's not funny when you say it!

Daniel has a girlfriend named Lorraine...

...She is very pretty, and he likes her a lot. One day he goes to work to find that a new girl has started work at his office. Her name is Clearly, and she is absolutely gorgeous. He begins to like her, and after a while, it becomes obvious that she is interested in him, too. But Daniel is a loyal m...

Daniel Craig has narrowly avoided death after falling into an industrial mixer whilst on a Martini factory tour. Fortunately the machine wasn't switched on.

He is reportedly shaken

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What's with girls having weird names nowadays?

I recently slept with a girl and after sex she was like "I'm Fifteen" I was like that's nice I'm Daniel.

Drinking Jack Daniel's while beating scrambled eggs...

It's a bit whiskey

I'll never forget what my grandad told me before he kicked the bucket

Daniel I'm sick of this bucket

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Two boys, Nathaniel and Daniel, are captured by a madman. Daniel is sent into a room with a one way window that only Daniel could see through. On the other side, he saw his friend, Nate, with the madman...

Nate looked very frightened but if they've learned anything together during their years of friendship is that they'll always make it out of bad situations.

The madman finishes talking to Nate and walks out of the room, Nate adopting a relieved smile on his face.

Then, the madman walks...

Daniel Craig was explaining why his character had grey hair for the first time ever in the franchise.

This comment has been overwritten and deleted forevermore by the user in response to the API changes June 2023.

My dad said It was Daniel Gabriel Fahrenheit and Anders Celsius to create the terms used for thermometer scales

I replied: Don't you think it's egocentric to name everything after yourself?
He said: well, to be fair they both worked hard for their degrees!

Jack Daniels couldn't be here today,

But he's here in spirit.

What do you get when you mix Jack Daniel’s with Smirnoff?

Jacknoff?

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Stormy Daniels should run for president

If we're going to have an inept asshole in office I'd rather have a bleached inept asshole

I invented a new drink. Ginger beer and Jack Daniel's.

I call it the Stormy Daniel's.

Michael Avenatti is no longer representing Stormy Daniels

In other words - he pulled out

What's the difference between Daniel Day Lewis and a Mexican Salamander?

One acts a little, one acts a lottle

Stormy Daniels has a gag order.

How small is it that you have to tell someone to gag?

Three old women sneak some Jack Daniels into a baseball game, taking shots after each half inning. What inning is it now?

It's the bottom of the fifth, and the bags are loaded.

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If CNN released photos of Stormy Daniels & Trump

Do you know what he'd call them?



Fake Nudes.

What does Stormy Daniels have in common with American farmers?

They both got screwed and paid off by Trump.

A wife is complaining about her husband spending all his time at the local tavern, so one night he takes her along with him.

"What'll ya have?" he asks.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you, I suppose," she replies.

So the husband orders a couple of Jack Daniels and gulps his down in one go.

His wife watches him, then takes a sip from her glass and immediately spits it out.

"Yuck! It tastes awful...

Do you think Daniel Radcliffe could ever play a hobbit?

No, but Elijah would.

A man walks into a bar sporting the worst haircut you've ever seen...

"Give me two shots of Jack Daniels," he says to the bartender. "One for me, and one for you."

"You know I don't drink on the job," the bartender says, pouring the man a shot.

Downing the drink, the man replies, "And that's why I like you better than my barber."

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A guy walks into a bar...

... and asks the bartender for a Jack and Coke. The bartender hands him an apple. The man, looking confused, asks, "What's this?" The bartender replies, "Take a bite out of the apple." The man does and surprised, he says, "Wow, this tastes like Jack Daniels!" The bartender says, "Now turn it around....

Stormy Daniels said that Trump was always on bottom.

Because he always F*cks up.

My girlfriend gave me the nickname Jack Daniels

Because she says I'm a hard licker!

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Breaking: Stormi Daniels reaction to president Trumps Syria decision.

Shocked Trump pulls out when he said he would

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A man walks into a bar...

...he approaches the barman and asks for a whiskey and coke.

"Take this apple."

"I don't want an apple. I want a JD and coke."

"Trust me, try the apple."

The man takes a bite, and exclaims "Christ! This tastes like Jack Daniels!"

"Yup. Turn it around."

"Wow!...

A friend of mine can float one inch off the ground when he drinks Jack Daniels.

He’s a bourbon legend.

Back when Stormy Daniels was in high school, none of her fellow classmen realized she would go down in history.

Guys were usually getting it in the gym locker room or behind the teacher's parking lot.

Did you hear that Daniel Day Lewis is retiring from acting?

My left foot he is!

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Dear Old Grandpa

A little boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed security guard and said, "I've lost my grandpa."

The guard asked, "What's he like?"

"Jack Daniels and women with big tits," the boy replied.

What kind of car does depressed Daniel drive?

Sad Dan

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Stormy Daniels says Donald Trump paid $130,000 hush money to cover up an affair. Do you believe the bleached blond with big tits?

Or do you believe Stormy Daniels?

There's an Army guy and an Air Force guy.

There's an Air Force guy driving from Wagga to Richmond, and an Army guy driving from Richmond to Wagga. In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other head on and both cars go flying off in different directions.
The Air Force guy manages to climb out of his car and...

I still don't see why Daniel Radcliffe was cast for Now You See Me 2.

I just can't see him as a magician.

I recently read that initially Daniel Radcliffe was the first choice to play Frodo Baggins, but he decided he didn't want to

I bet the producers were glad that Elijah Wood!

I went fishing this morning, but after a short time I ran out of worms...

Then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. "Frogs are good bass bait," I thought to myself. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket. Just then, I realized I h...

Three women

are sitting at a bar, talking and drinking. They decide to give their husbands nicknames. The first woman says, “I would name my husband Mountain Dew, because when he mounts, he knows what to do.”
The second woman says, “Well I would name Manny 7-Up, because he is seven inches long and always up...

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What do "Damn Daniel" and pedophiles have in common?

They both have white vans

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What do you call it when Daniel Craig has kinky sex?

Bondage!

Johnnie Walker, Jack Daniels and Jim Beam walk into a bar

What is this, said the bartender, Alcoholics Eponymous?

Daniel Birnbaum, your company Sodastream is doing quite well lately, what are your plans for the future?

I'm hoping that our company get acquired by a large corporation such as Coca-Cola


Is Pepsi okay?

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The teacher of little Johnny's class asks the pupils if they can use the word 'beautiful' in a sentence...

A little boy sticks his hand up.
"Yes, Daniel"
"I saw a butterfly on my way to school this morning, and it was beautiful", says Daniel.
"Very good, Daniel", smiles the teacher, "Anybody else?".
Veronica's hand goes up. "I told my mummy last night that she looked beautiful in her new dr...

What kind of car did Mr. Miyagi drive?

Focus, Daniel-san

What do you have when you got a bag of weed and a bottle of Jack Daniel's?

Jackpot!

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Say what you want about Stormy Daniels, but she really knows how to fuck a guy

I mean, it's been years now and she's doing it harder than ever

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Daniel fancied himself quite a ladies man, so when his cruise ship went down in a storm and he found himself stranded on a desert island with six women.

he couldn’t believe his good fortune. They quickly agreed that each woman would have one night a week with the only man.


Daniel threw himself into the arrangement with gusto, working even on his day off, but as the weeks stretched into months, he found himself looking forward to that day ...

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