The only person Trump ever hired who was actually qualified to do their job was Stormy Daniels

Now you know who the best people are

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Stormy Daniels and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.

Stormy Daniels and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day. They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.

The angel said: "Unfortunately, there's only one space available in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted.”
...

I recently read that initially Daniel Radcliffe was the first choice to play Frodo Baggins, but he decided he didn't want to

I bet the producers were glad that Elijah Wood!

One of Trump's advisors ran up to him and asked in a panic what to do about Hurricane Katrina...

Trump said: "Give her the same deal we gave Stormy Daniels."

Michael Avenatti is no longer representing Stormy Daniels

In other words - he pulled out

What's the difference between John Wayne and Jack Daniel's?

Jack Daniel's is still killing indians.

Stormy Daniels and queen Elizabeth died on the same day and both went to heaven

When they reached the gates of heaven, god greeted them and said “sorry ladies we only have room for one of you right now, please make your best case on why I should let you in.” Stormy Daniels thinks for a minute and lifts up her shirt and jumps around. Queen Elizabeth sees this, thinks about it an...

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Dave's Funniest Joke of the Fringe

I've seen a couple of these already, but these are the top 10 funniest jokes from Edinburgh Fringe 2018:

"Working at the Jobcentre has to be a tense job - knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day." - Adam Rowe

"I had a job drilling holes for water - it ...

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Anal sex is a lot like Brussels sprouts

If you’re forced to have it as a child you won’t enjoy it as an adult.


-Daniel Tosh

What’s the difference between Amy Winehouse and Jack Daniels?

Jack Daniels comes alive when you add coke.

Three old women sneak some Jack Daniels into a baseball game, taking shots after each half inning. What inning is it now?

It's the bottom of the fifth, and the bags are loaded.

Breaking: Stormi Daniels reaction to president Trumps Syria decision.

Shocked Trump pulls out when he said he would

I'll never forget what my grandad told me before he kicked the bucket

Daniel I'm sick of this bucket

People are so political these days...

...that you can't even say black paint. Instead, you have to say, "Daniel, please paint my fence".

What's the difference between Amy Winehouse and Jack Daniels?

Jack Daniels comes alive when you add Coke.

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What's with girls having weird names nowadays?

I recently slept with a girl and after sex she was like "I'm Fifteen" I was like that's nice I'm Daniel.

If CNN released photos of Stormy Daniels & Trump

Do you know what he'd call them?



Fake Nudes.

What does Stormy Daniels have in common with American farmers?

They both got screwed and paid off by Trump.

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Stormy Daniels' testimony: "I felt this huge dick come into me..."

"But I never quite felt his penis."

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Stormy Daniels says Donald Trump paid $130,000 hush money to cover up an affair. Do you believe the bleached blond with big tits?

Or do you believe Stormy Daniels?

If my man were a soda...

Three married black women are talking about their love lives with their husbands. They decide to assign each of their men a soda that represents them. The first lady says, "I'd call my man seven-up. 'Cause he's got seven inches and they're always up, up, up."
The second says, "I'd call my man Mo...

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Say what you want about Stormy Daniels, but she really knows how to fuck a guy

I mean, it's been years now and she's doing it harder than ever

Olympic curling seems like the kind of game...

Mr. Miyagi would have invented to trick Daniel into sweeping his floors.

Our family surname is “Daniels”

So rather hilariously we named our first child Jack.

She hates it.

Back when Stormy Daniels was in high school, none of her fellow classmen realized she would go down in history.

Guys were usually getting it in the gym locker room or behind the teacher's parking lot.

What's the difference between Daniel Day Lewis and a Mexican Salamander?

One acts a little, one acts a lottle

Daniel and Brian are cutting wood in a forest.

Daniel isn't being overly careful, and accidentally cuts his hand off. Brian, however, has some basic medical training, and helps stop the bleeding. Brian decides to wrap Daniel's severed hand up with a plastic bag and takes him to the hospital. The ER doctor sees the two and looks disappointed.
...

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Stormy Daniels should run for president

If we're going to have an inept asshole in office I'd rather have a bleached inept asshole

What do the "Damn, Daniel" kid and pedophiles have in common?

They're both back at it again with the white vans.

I invented a new drink. Ginger beer and Jack Daniel's.

I call it the Stormy Daniel's.

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What’s the difference between Donald J Trump and Stormy Daniels?

One is a whore who fucks people for money and the other is an adult film maker.

Instead of Hillary Clinton, maybe Stormy Daniels should have run against Trump?

I'm pretty sure she would've spanked him.

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Daniel fancied himself quite a ladies man, so when his cruise ship went down in a storm and he found himself stranded on a desert island with six women.

he couldn’t believe his good fortune. They quickly agreed that each woman would have one night a week with the only man.


Daniel threw himself into the arrangement with gusto, working even on his day off, but as the weeks stretched into months, he found himself looking forward to that day ...

Stormy Daniels has a gag order.

How small is it that you have to tell someone to gag?

Jack Daniels couldn't be here today,

But he's here in spirit.

A guy goes fishing one morning but after a short time runs out of worms.

Just then he sees a cotton-mouth snake in the water with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn’t bite with the frog in his mouth, the guy grabs him right behind the head, takes the frog, and puts the snake in his bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to releas...

Do you think Daniel Radcliffe could ever play a hobbit?

No, but Elijah would.

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,

'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely sil...

Did you hear that Daniel Day Lewis is retiring from acting?

My left foot he is!

Daniel has a girlfriend named Lorraine...

...She is very pretty, and he likes her a lot. One day he goes to work to find that a new girl has started work at his office. Her name is Clearly, and she is absolutely gorgeous. He begins to like her, and after a while, it becomes obvious that she is interested in him, too. But Daniel is a loyal m...

My girlfriend gave me the nickname Jack Daniels

Because she says I'm a hard licker!

An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, Scotsman were captured while fighting in a far-off foreign land,

and the leader of the captors said, "We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish."

The Englishman responds, "I'd like to hear "God Save The Queen" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played by the ...

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[NSFW] A retired polish porn star moves to America with his family.

He eventually gets to old to live by himself during the days no one is there so they find him a home. His son asked him, "how are they treating you, are you enjoying it?"

"Yes!" He replied, "They treat everyone here with much respect! Tom down the hall was a doctor and they still call him Dr...

What do you call it when you steal a bottle of Jack Daniel's?

A Whiskey Move

Johnnie Walker, Jack Daniels and Jim Beam walk into a bar

What is this, said the bartender, Alcoholics Eponymous?

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Two boys, Nathaniel and Daniel, are captured by a madman.

Daniel is sent into a room with a one way window that only Daniel could see through. On the other side, he saw his friend, Nate, with the madman. Nate looked very frightened but if they've learned anything together during their years of friendship is that they'll always make it out of bad situations...

I still don't see why Daniel Radcliffe was cast for Now You See Me 2.

I just can't see him as a magician.

Why is Daniel Radcliffe celebrated and worshiped in Judaism?

Because he's the only one who escaped the chamber.

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My dyslexic friend won't accept that he is gay.

He's still in Daniel.

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"Thank you for contacting Xfinity Internet, my name is Janice, with whom do I have the pleasure of speaking with today?"

*"Hello Janice my name is Daniel."*

Janice: *"Pleased to meet you Daniel, how can I help you"*

Daniel: *"Well, I'd like to increase my Internet access speed to something more suitable."*

Janice: *"Great! That should not be a problem. So what is your current plan?"*

Dani...

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What do you call it when Daniel Craig has kinky sex?

Bondage!

What do you have when you got a bag of weed and a bottle of Jack Daniel's?

Jackpot!

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I am both dyslexic and gay.

I feel uncomfortable with both and am ashamed of either.

I am in Daniel.

What kind of car does depressed Daniel drive?

Sad Dan

Secretary walks into the President's room

Secretary: Mr.President, Hurricane Florence is causing trouble.
Trump: Offer her the same deal as Stormy Daniels.

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Daniel was looking for a wife... [Translated from Chinese]

Partly Chinese joke, but the gag derives itself from chinese puns:

There is this family of three: A Chinese father, an Eurasian mother (who knows a teensy bit of chinese) and Daniel, a 28 year old bachelor.

By this time, Daniel's parents were quite worried that he would not get marrie...

Two guys were talking about pets

"Yeah, so I have a couple of cats and a chihuahua. What about you, Flynn?"

Flynn looked at the man with a look of both pain and peace. "Well, Danny... I had a dog once."

Daniel sympathetically responded. "What happened?"

Flynn let out a quiet sigh. "It's a long story."

Da...

3 black ladies were talking about their boyfriends.

Chondra asked the others, "if your boyfriend was a soda pop, what kind of pop would he be?" Chenise said her boyfriend would be 7-Up because he's 7 inches and always up. Chondra said her boyfriend would be Dr. Pepper because he was ready at 10, 2 and 4. Latoya said her boyfriend would be Jack Dan...

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