UPJOKE
movietelefilmfilmographyprojectionistfilmmakercinematicfilmcinemafilmmakingfilmysuspensefuldramedymoviedommicrofilmbioscope

Ryan Jokes

Ayn Rand, Rand Paul, and Paul Ryan walk into a bar...

The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.

Ryan Reynolds, Randall Park, Birdy, Daisy Ridley, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Chris Evans, Margot Robbie, Mark Ruffalo, Taylor Swift, and Donald Trump are playing Among Us.

They start by picking a color.

Trump declares he is Orange: “ I will be Orange because that’s my skin color!”

Daisy then adds, “If you wanna ridicule yourself then fine, I’ll pick blue.

Taylor Swift: “Cyan for the sky.”

Mark Ruffalo: “Hulk green, Hulk pick GREEEEEEN!”
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I call my penis Ryan.

Before sex you can find me shaving private Ryan.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend always takes long baths after we finish watching a Ryan gosling movie

I don't know what she's doing in there, but it gives me lots of time to jerk off to Ryan Gosling

My wife often compares me to Ryan Gosling.

She'll say "You're nothing like Ryan Gosling."

I heard Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan are working on a new film made specifically for the blind.

It's called "You've Got Braille"

Why did Ryan Murphy ride a unicycle?

Because he thinks *bi*cycles are just deep in the closet.

Everyone said Ryan Seacrest was a good host tonight.

I think he dropped the ball.

Why did I not see you at the camouflage meeting this morning coporal Ryan?

Thank you sir!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ryan Gosling went to live in Saudi Arabia for a year.

He and a local Saudi girl fell in love.

The girl would secretly sneak out of her house in the middle of the night without a male companion to hangout with Ryan. They would go to Ryan's place and make love for the whole night. Ryan would drop her back before the dawn. She would quietly sneak i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I love Tom Clancy, so I named my penis Ryan.

Now when I masturbate, I Jack Ryan.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"OH MY GOD, RYAN! YOU'RE THE DUMBEST KID I'VE EVER MET!"

Said the teacher to Ryan, one of her students.

One day, Ryan's mum went to her son's school and had a talk with Ryan's teacher. She said that Ryan had the worst grades in school and that, in her 10 years of teaching, she never met such a dumb kid.

The mother, shocked, decided to move t...

A guy named Ryan Edit won first place in a marathon.

Race director: Here you go, these are for you.

I think Ryan Gosling is mature enough now...

for us to call him Ryan Goose.

Ryan Gosling is 36 years old

Shouldn't we be calling him Ryan Goose already?

What do Abraham Lincoln and Ryan Fitzpatrick have in common?

Neither of them can finish a play

Ryan Reynolds would have been great as Jay Gatsby.

After all, he’s both Green Lantern and Deadpool.

Trump, Pence, and Paul Ryan and traveling together

President Trump, Vice President Pence, and Speaker of the House Paul Ryan are traveling together in a presidential convoy. A tornado comes along, sweeps up their vehicle and launches them hundreds of yards away.


When they regain consciousness they realize they've been transported to the m...

Next time you're at the bar, ask the bartender for a Ryan Lochte

When the bartender asks you what's in a Ryan Lochte? Just say "I don't know, make something up"

Ryan Lochte's first draft of his apology statement...

"Hi guys, my bad. Apologies to the people of Argentina. Jeah!"

After watching the Olympics, a little boy says to his mom, "When I grow up, I want to be like Ryan Lochte!"

She says, "Honey, you can't have it both ways."

I was watching a baseball game the other day when the pitcher struck out a batter in 3 pitches. The announcer said, "…and he goes down Paul Ryan style". His partner asked, "What makes it Paul Ryan style?" To which he replied…

No balls

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do Ryan Lochte and the water in Rio have in common?

They're both full of shit.

Paul Ryan is never known to skip Leg Day

But is nowhere to be found on spine day

I had a dream where I was in a fight with Jason Bourne, Will Hunting, and Private Ryan.

I'm finally battling my Damons.

Guy calls in on radio show

**Guy**: Hey! I found this wallet with $2k, an Amazon gift card, and it says it belongs to someone named 'Ryan'

**Host**: Oh how nice of you. Do you want me to ask Ryan to reclaim it?

**Guy**: No, I want to request a sad song for Ryan

A man named Ryan Hesse tried to sell me the Eifel Tower for $8,902,471

He seems to have 2 names, everybody else tells me he's a 'Connar Tist'

Paul Ryan: "Doing big things is hard"

> Doing ~~big~~ things is hard

Fixed that for ya.

Ryan Lochte will be summoned to Rio for hearing.

But he says he's probably not gonna go. His ears work pretty good already.

A man is sat in an airport bar, having a drink, waiting for his flight to be called...

As he is sitting there a stunning woman walks into the bar and sits on the bar-stool next to him. She's wearing a very smart uniform and the guy thinks "She must work for one of the top airlines".

He decides to find out which one by running some of their advertising slogans past her.

T...

Fastest Bolt at the Olympics?

Was it Usain Bolt or Ryan Lochte's ride to the airport?

I was devastated when I found out the Tooth Fairy isn't real. Because that means it was my parents...

who molested me.



credit: Ryan Stout

A dinner.

Jack: Hey, Ryan. Do you want seconds?

Ryan: Yeah.

Jack: Then why don't you eat a clock you dumbass!

Ryan: I would but it would be very time consuming.

Ryan had to go potty real bad,

but the door to the potty was Lochte.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Favourite porn movie parodies…

I’ll start, let’s see what list we can create…

Shaving Ryan’s Privates

Schindler’s Fist

Willy Bonk Her in the Chocolate Factory

Pulp Friction

Evil Head

Honey, I blew everybody

Inspect Her Gadget

Missionary Impossible

Saturday Night Beave...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was running late for Sunday mass.

As she ran up the church steps, she tripped and fell...her dress came up and her hat flew off. She stood up, put on her hat and started straightening out her dress when she saw a priest standing at the door,

"Excuse Father Ryan, is mass out?" she asked

The priest looked at her and sa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a Japanese guy name his pet lion?

Ryan

Cracking walnuts

A young boy says to his mother, "Mommy, why would Daddy crack walnuts and feed them to Mrs. Gilroy?" The mother responded, "That's silly, Ryan. Why would you even ask a question like that?" Ryan said, "Because I heard Daddy telling Uncle Eric that he busted a nut in Mrs. Gilroy's mouth and that she ...

A child who loved tractors (sorry if it’s a repost, haven’t seen it yet)

There was a young boy born to a family of farmers, his name was Ryan.

From a very early age he was amazed by all the machinery on his farm, but especially the tractors, his father owned four, each unique to their tasks. The large red one for the tonnes of wheat, the slightly smaller green one...

The Perfect Man

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Ryan".

Passenger: "Who?".

Cabbie: "Ryan Jay Robinson. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you neede...

Trump asks Putin for advice

Complaining about his failures, Trump asks Putin how he's so successful. Putin responds that he surrounds himself with clever people and calls in Sergei Lavrov to ask him:

"Sergei, your parents have a child who is neither your brother nor your sister, who is it?"

Lavrov thinks for a ...

What did Mother Goose name her newborn son?

Ryan Gosling

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Orion’s Belt doesn’t sound like it’s named after an almighty Greek God More like it’s named after an Irish father’s punishment weapon of choice.

“You’d better behave young lad, or your arse is gonna meet O’Ryan’s belt!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I was granted one wish to see everyone I jerked off to in one room

I took to the stage and said "ladies, you might be wondering why Ryan Gosling and I are standing next to each other but....."

"I wonder what he's thinking... I wonder if he likes me... I wonder if he thinks I'm fat..."

- Wonder Woman

(- Katherine Ryan)

Be first

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, "Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait."

Kevin turned t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A timeless, Irish classic.

About twenty years ago, the Irish government decided to set up a secret service, much like MI5 in the UK. The three best Gardai (Irish police officers) were selected to participate in a number of tests in order to determine who would receive the coveted title of 001.
The three Gardai, each repres...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a seedy dive bar in Washington DC.

After letting his eyes adjust to the dimness of the bar, he notices President Trump and Speaker of the House Paul Ryan talking quietly at a corner table.

He orders a beer then walks up to the two and says, "Mr. President, Mr. Ryan, I am a huge fan of yours! What are you guys doing in a sh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two second graders are fishing in the middle of a field

Ryan and Andrew see two second graders in a fishing boat in the middle of a field. They cast out their rods, reel in, and just pull up grass.

Ryan says to Andrew, "Man, look at those second graders out there. They're not going to catch anything!"

Andrew replies, "Yeah, think we should ...

May your Christmas and New Year be like "The Notebook"...

Get so wasted you don't remember Ryan Gosling.

My wife and I made lists of people we're allowed to sleep with

She chose Ryan Gosling, and I chose the babysitter, and I *won*, and now she's mad at me.

 
 
 





Side note: I originally heard this joke on Dr. Katz, but cannot remember who the comedian was. Anybody happen to know? It's bugging me.

Donald Trump is the most unifying voice in American politics.

When was the last time Barack Obama, Paul Ryan, Jon Stewart, Glenn Beck, Bernie Sanders, George Bush, Elizabeth Warren, Mitt Romney, Bill Clinton, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Al Gore, John McCain, and Hillary Clinton all agreed on anything?

Paddy and Mick see a sign

Walking down the road in Ireland, Paddy and Mick see a sign see a sign saying "Tree Fellers Wanted".
Paddy sighs and says, "It's a shame Ryan wasn't with us, we could have gone for that job!".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I Dated a Twin Once

People always asked me how I was able to tell them apart. To me it was really simple. Jenny painted her nails Purple and Ryan had a Penis.

In the Army

Sergeant: "Private Ryan, I didn't see you at camouflage training yesterday!
Private: "Thank you, sergeant.

A scary thing to do to your girlfriend on Halloween...

is ask her if she's going as a sumo wrestler.
Spooky!

Shout out to my friend Ryan Smith for this joke

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

President Obama to the Queen:

President Obama to the Queen:

"Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Obama frowned, and then asked,

"But how do I ...

Who is faster?

Usain Bolt in the 100m finals or Ryan Lochte running through the airport to catch his flight out of Brazil?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One sunny Saturday morning...

Joe and his buddy Ryan decide to go golfing. Joe was setting up his tee when a funeral procession drove by on the nearby road. Joe immediately took off his hat, and stood perfectly still until the procession had passed. Ryan said "Joe, that's one of the most respectful things I've ever seen." Jo...

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman...

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were sitting in a bar in Sydney, Australia.

"The view is fantastic, the beer excellent and the food exceptional," said the Scotsman, "but I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow, there's a little bar called McTavish's. The landlord there goes out...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm a day late, but here's some Canadian jokes I came up with

1.) What do you call a Canadian military group?

- *The Eh Team*

2.) Welcome to Canada: Native land of the world's two sexiest Ryan's and the world's two most hated Justin's.

3.) Canadians are great at introducing themselves to strangers since they're so used to breaking the ice....

A piece of string goes to a bar.

A piece of string goes to a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve pieces of string here".

The string goes outside, ties himself up, messes up his hair and goes back in. The bartender asks, "are you that same piece of string?" "No", says the string, "I'm a fray...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This maths test can predict your favourite film.

Not sure how it works but it does. Mine was Star Wars.
DON'T PEEP!

Pick a number between 1 and 9.

Multiply by 3.

Add 3 to that number.

Multiply by 3 again.

Add the 2 digits together.

Now discover your favourite film!
1. LOTR

2. Shawshank...

Do you know who has the most home runs in MLB history?

Barry Bonds...

Do you know who leads the MLB in strikeouts pitched?

Nolan Ryan...

Do you know who has been hit by the most balls?

Liberaci

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Legendary Chicago Cubs broadcaster Harry Caray gets pulled over for going about 90 on the way to the ballpark ... (long)

He thinks his reputation will spare him from a ticket, but it's clear the cop is serious when he asks for Caray's license and registration. Harry, probably already three sheets to the wind, replies, "You know officer, I would give you that, but this is a stolen car." The cop is a bit taken aback and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Topical Jokes (5/14)

Folks, folks. What a day! There are some good jokes out there to be had. Let's take a gander, shall we?

There's already some news out of the presidential election front...

Some are reporting Gov. Christie is losing weight just so he can make a run in 2016. Not to be outdone, Sen. Rubio...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three Nazis walk into a bar

Three Nazis walk into a bar.



Their commanding officer walks up to the bartender and says,



"Congratulations, you are now a member of the German Army. Your first order is to kill everyone in this room who is not Aryan".



The bartender complies. He takes a m...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.