UPJOKE
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Alex Jokes

Say what you want about the whole Alex Baldwin case, but I stand behind him.

Because there's no way in hell I'm going to stand in front of him.

Alex Murdaugh announces new member of legal team.

Alex Murdaugh announced that Jorge Santos would join his legal team to help him with his testimony.

Doctor- Calm down alex, it's just a minor operation.

Patient- thank you, but I am not Alex.



Doctor- I am.

I received a warning at work for poor performance.

We've got 4 sales-people in total. Over the past month Jack \[the boss's son\] has sold nothing. Alex has made £1000, in sales. I've made £5000, and the top guy made £16000.

I got the warning for my performance being below average.

I told them "That's just mean"

What's the difference between Alex Jones and Jeff Bezos?

Alex Jones was on Joe Rogan

Knock Knock Who’s there! Alex!

Alex who?
Alex Plain later!

Knock Knock
Who’s there!
Alex!
Alex who?
Alex the questions round here!

Alex Trebek died shortly after Sean Connery.

He had to hurry and get to heaven before Connery found his Mother.

8-year old Alex had a crush on his teacher, so he stayed behind in recess.

The teacher asked Alex if something was wrong, since he wasn't out with the others.

"It's because I'm in love with you, Alex told her.

"Well," the teacher replied - "What If I don't like small children?".

"Then...we'll just have to be careful, I guess".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whats the difference between Alex Murdaugh's Legal Team and a Prostitute

A Prostitute always gets her client off!

Jim, Scott, and Alex check into a hotel.

Jim, scott,and Alex check into a hotel and find out they’ll have to walk up 30 flights of stairs because the elevator is broken. To pass time while they walk, Jim decides he’ll tell jokes, Scott will sing songs, and Alex will tell sad stories. So Jim tells jokes for 10 flights, Scott sings songs for...

Poor Alex Trebek...

I heard his job is in Jeopardy

It's ironic that Alex Jones hates the LGBT community when he's secretly a drag queen.

His drag name is Miss Information.

Went to a restaurant with my wife and the host’s name was Alex. So I said “Table for 2 Alex”

We were the first Daily Double…

If anyone gets this joke I apologize immensely. Bad dry dad jokes are kinda my thing.

Alex was being interviewed for a job at the US Mint

Alex was being interviewed for a job at the US mint. The interviewer looks over his resume, and notices something strange. “Alex, you have 3 PhDs and you had an internship at the White House. Why do you want to work at the US mint?”

“Well sir, i would make a lot of money here”

What does the White Rhino have in common with Alex Trebec?

They’re both in jeopardy...

Alex Ovechkin invites Sidney Crosby over to watch a movie

Crosby sits down in the theater room, and waits for Ovechkin. Ovechkin finally walks in, and is drinking a cup a water. Crosby says "Hey can i get something to drink?". Ovechkin responds sorry I only have one cup.

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If Alex Trebek is accused of sexual harrasment...

his career will be in jeopardy!

Alex was at the store and couldn’t decide between buying tinactin or lotrimin. After all....

He didn’t want to make a rash decision.

you gotta kind of feel sorry for Alex Tribek

most of the time...his life was in Jeopardy!

My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings, “Well Alex? Do you think you’ll be next?”

We’ve settled this quickly once I’ve started doing the same to them at funerals.

2 kids outside a clinic

Two children, Johnny and Alex were sitting outside a clinic.



Alex was crying very loudly.



Johnny: Why are you crying?



Alex: I came here for a blood test.



Johnny: So? Are you afraid?



Alex: No. For the blood test, they cut my f...

My wife and I made a list of people we can sleep with if we ever met. She picked Channing Tatum, Alex Pettyfer, and Cam Gigandet

I picked her sister, her cousin, and our neighbor because men are simple like that.

If Alex Jones and Chris Brown were both on fire and you only had one fire extinguisher...

Where would you hide it?

Alex Trebek: Jesus Loves You.

What is a good thing to hear in church, but not so much in a Mexican prison?

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Alex The Gardener

A supervisor of a landscaping business got a call from one of his workers on Friday afternoon "Hey boss, it's me Alex, I'm not feeling so good today, I've got a big headache and just don't feel well." The boss replies; "You know, when I don't feel well, I like to go to my wife and ask for sex, then ...

Alex Trebek and Sean Connery are at a seafood restaurant enjoying a dinner together.

Alex decides to get an order of oysters and when they come out they're still in the shell. Alex tries everything he can, but for some reason just can't even get one open. Exasperated, he looks over at Sean Connery and asks "how am I supposed to open this damn thing?" Sean Connery smiles, hands him a...

So, Alex had two parrots named Bob and Jim.

Alex was an older gentlemen, retired and fairly religious with lots of time on his hands. He figured it'd be fun to pass his time teaching the parrots to pray the rosary.

Alex went to his church, got a two small sets of rosary beads, gave them to Bob and Jim and got to work. After months of ...

did you hear about what happened to Alex Trebek's resume?

His whole career's in jeopardy

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Turned on at the massage parlor.

I finally decided to get a massage last week at a parlor from a gentleman named Alex.

I’m a guy myself but heard he was the best.

Halfway through it was feeling good and I asked him, “Is it normal to get a boner during a massage?”

Alex said, “Yes, happens all the time.”
...

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Fuck you Korea

100% true.
My friend works as a biosecurity agent at Auckland Airport and told me about a time when his Korean colleague, Alex, had to process a Chinese passenger with a thick accent.

Alex: "Is there anything in your bag we should be concerned about?"

Passenger - " Fuck you Korea!"<...

Alex Jones dies and meets Jesus at the pearly gates.

As they are waiting to see if God will allow Alex into heaven, Jesus says:

"Alex, while we wait you can ask me any question and I will answer it".

So Alex asks him, "who planned 9/11?"

And Jesus responds "Osama Bin Laden"

Alex goes " wow, this goes higher up than I though...

David Cameron sends Alex Salmond a text following the Scottish vote...

David: "Hi mate just checking in, u k?"

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A group of 4 year old kids were trying very hard to become accustomed to nursery

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!

You need to use 'Big People' words,' she was always reminding them.

She asked John what he had done over the weekend?

'I went to visit my Nana'.

No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big P...

Being punctual

Alex, David and Steve want to visit a zoo the next day, so they decided to meet at David home first, who is quite forgetful.

Alex arrives first at Davids home and together they wait for Steve. They decided to call Steve: "Hey, where are you?", Steve replies that he soons get up from bed and ...

One Sunday morning, the pastor...

...noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque.
It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it.

The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up: stood beside the little boy: a...

Mike Tyson is playing Jeopardy and the clue is "The part of a flower's stamen where pollen is produced".

He's the first to buzz in. Alex Trebek calls on him:

Alex: "Mike?"

Mike: "What is the answer?"

Alex: "You can't ask me, Mike. You have to give me the answer."

Mike: "I am! What is the answer?"

Alex: "You have to give *us* the answer to the clue, Mike, we can't tell...

A man starts his first day at a new job...

Jim begins his first day at work and is discussing his setup with his boss Alex.

Jim: Where will I be working?

Boss (Alex): You are going to be working in that cubical with Donkey right over there, why don’t you go introduce yourself.

Jim: (*walks over*)Hello my name is Jim and ...

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Oh,no! Tom Smith gasped..

"Oh, No!" Tom Smith gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him. Never in his 40 years had he seen anything like it. How anyone could have survived?

Tom could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 16-year-old son. Only the slim hope of finding Alex kep...

A little boy was jumping on his bed.

A few minutes later, his mom came in and said, "Alex! Stop doing that! You'll break the bed!"

Alex says, "But I heard you two jumping on your bed earlier, and you both were making weird sounds. Are you okay, Mommy?"

Mom said, ".....Uh..... Just stay in your room. And stop jumping on th...

Johnny was in the hospital.

Johnny was in the hospital, sitting on the bench. Johnny was here for an appointment.

As he waited he saw Alex come out crying.
Johnny: Why are you crying?
Alex: I just had a blood test.
Johnny: So, were you scared?
Alex: No. But they cut my finger.

Upon hearing this, Johnn...

Too soon

What is making a joke about Alex Tribek's cancer diagnosis?

5 kids wanted to get into a fraternity

Alex and his 4 friends wanted to get into a fraternity. So they went to the leader and asked him how they could get in. The fraternity leader told them that if they wanted to join his fraternity they would have to stand in a line and all get socked in the face. So they all stood in a line and waited...

Peter sat at his dying wife's bedside. Her voice was little more than a whisper. "Pete darling," she breathed, "I've a confession to make before I go... I... I'm the one who took the $10,000 from your safe. I spent it on a fling with your best friend, Alex.

And it was I who forced your mistress to leave the city. And I am the one who reported your income tax evasion to the government." "Don't give it a second thought, sweetheart. Who do you think gave you the poison?" answered Peter.

Hunting

Johnny said Alex, "I am gonna go hunting dude."

Alex : so which animal you will hunt for?

Johnny : lions or tigers or wolves.....

Alex : okay! Good luck and stay safe!


(After few hours )

Alex : so how was the hunting dude?

Johnny : I didn't go man.
...

A Million Dollars of nothing

A 9th grade English teacher asked her class to write an essay on what they'd do if they had a million dollars.

Alex handed in a blank sheet of paper.

"Alex!" yelled the teacher, "you've done nothing. Why?"



"Because if I had a million dollars, that's exactly what I wou...

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I once dated a girl with a twin. People kept asking how I could tell them apart.

I said it's easy. Jill (my girlfriend) has purple nails and Alex her twin keeps reposting this crappy joke to reddit.

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Magical guitar

Alex and John were talking and suddenly John saw an electric guitar in Alex room and said " Is that new?"
Alex said " yeah that new and its magical!"
John said "really! What's the magic?"
Alex said "whenever I play this guitar I get to know " what's the time."
John said "how?"
Alex sa...

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Tonight, some friends and I got tired of being locked up at home and got together, sat around a fire boasting about how tough we are.

My friend Alex says, "I was driving cattle last year, and was bit on the ass by a rattler. Finished the cattle drive. Took three days before I got the doc to look at me. Didn't shed a tear."

Then Julio says, "Yeah? Well I broke up two bulls that were fighting. One popped out my right eye. I p...

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Beating Cancer’s Stupid Ass

Who is Alex Trebek?

Two men meet for the first time

The first says “Hi I’m Alex, and something you should know about me is that I have Asperger’s so if I ever seem like I’m being dense forgive me, I have trouble with taking things literally”
“Can you give an example”
“Yes”

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I’ve been having sex with a set of twins for a couple months. People have asked me how hard it is to tell them apart, but it is actually quite easy.

You see, Caroline is a redhead with an amazing pair of tits, and Alex has a cock.

Got an echo dot for xmas, I asked her to play some white noise to help me sleep.

Alex started playing Eminem.

Dating a nice guy.

Sam: Your boyfriend seems real nice.

Alex: Yea, he's the best!

Sam: He seems a little TOO nice though, can't be all that exciting in the bedroom.

Alex: Not true, what they say about nice guys is true you know.

Sam: What's that?

Alex: Nice guys ALWAYS finish last.

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Name changing

A guy came to my office asking to have his name changed.

"What's your name?" I asked.

"John Shit. I can't stand it anymore"

"And what's the name you want to have?"

"Alex Shit"

Anyone who believes in climate change just believes whatever someone tells them to. They don't think for themselves.

I know that because Alex Jones told me so

A Nigerian joke

Two students are waiting to give their oral aptitude test. The first student's turn comes, and he goes inside

Examiner :- Suppose you are travelling by train, and suddenly it gets hot, what will you do?

Alex:- I will open the window.

Examiner:- Great, now suppose that the area ...

I was talking to my friend about nicknames...

Like how “Maddie” is short for “Madeline” or “Alex” for “Alexander”

-“But wait, how do you get ‘Dick’ from ‘Richard?’”

You ask nicely

A letter an 83-year-old lady wrote to her grandson.

My dear grandson,



Some days ago, I experienced something wonderful, which I want to share with you.

I went to a religious shop and found a car sticker saying: "Honk if you love God!"

I decided to buy it and stick it on the bumper of my car.

When I went away, I was...

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sex with twins

Two guys are at a bar. One of them looks to the other and says, "I had the best time last night. I had sex with twins!" The other asks, "How could you tell them apart?" "Well, Jessica had long, beautiful, blonde hair, and Alex had a goatee.

The Flying Scotsman

Alex Salmond's colleagues decided it would be a worthy gesture to name a railway locomotive after him, so an official went to the National Railway Museum at York to investigate the possibilities.

"There are a number of locomotives at the NRM without names," a consultant told the official, but...

Wayne Rooney walks into a shop

He sees a shiny silver thermos flask that he has never seen before, so he finds a shop assistant and asks him, "what is this used for?" the shop assistant replies, "it is used to keep hot things hot and cold things cold". Wayne Rooney buys it and takes it to training the next day. Alex Ferguson sees...

A woman had five sons.

A woman had five sons: Alex, Bill, Chad, Doug, and Eric. One day, the woman gets a phone call from the hospital. The doctor says, "I'm so sorry to tell you this, but your son was in a car accident and broke his leg."

"Oh no!" She responds, "Which one?"

The doctor answers, "The left leg...

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An ex-businessman, now bankrupt, is preparing to jump off a bridge...

As he's about to step into the void, a hand grabs him from behind.


He turns back annoyed and sees that the hand belongs to an old bearded overweight guy.


"Why did you stop me you old fool?"


"Have you gone mad my son? You were about to kill yourself!" The old ma...

This year in Heaven the Christmas celebration was also a costume party. Everyone dressed up.

Many people came as movie characters, from Gandalf the Grey (and White) to Jason Bourne to Black Widow to Harry Potter. Alan Rickman went as Hans Gruber, which made St. Peter exclaim "See, Die Hard IS a Christmas movie!" St. Peter was dressed as the "Fragile" lamp from A Christmas Story. Moses showe...

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