What's the difference between Alex Jones and Jeff Bezos?

Alex Jones was on Joe Rogan

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Oh,no! Tom Smith gasped..

"Oh, No!" Tom Smith gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him. Never in his 40 years had he seen anything like it. How anyone could have survived?

Tom could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 16-year-old son. Only the slim hope of finding Alex kep...

Two men meet for the first time

The first says “Hi I’m Alex, and something you should know about me is that I have Asperger’s so if I ever seem like I’m being dense forgive me, I have trouble with taking things literally”
“Can you give an example”
“Yes”

8-year old Alex had a crush on his teacher, so he stayed behind in recess.

The teacher asked Alex if something was wrong, since he wasn't out with the others.

"It's because I'm in love with you, Alex told her.

"Well," the teacher replied - "What If I don't like small children?".

"Then...we'll just have to be careful, I guess".

My name is Alex.

My mom was going to name me 'Alec,' but she knew I was going to be fat.


So she decided to make my name plural.

Jim, Scott, and Alex check into a hotel.

Jim, scott,and Alex check into a hotel and find out they’ll have to walk up 30 flights of stairs because the elevator is broken. To pass time while they walk, Jim decides he’ll tell jokes, Scott will sing songs, and Alex will tell sad stories. So Jim tells jokes for 10 flights, Scott sings songs for...

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ALEX TREBEK: This accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics

**ME:** *(spraying a mouthful of popcorn)* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB?!

The math teacher in asks: "What is 2+2?"...

Melissa: "6"
Teacher: "Idiot! Sit down!"
Alex: "7"
Teacher: "Even stupider! Sit down too!"

At the back of the class, Karen, the only one shaking her hand in the air.
Teacher: "Ok, Karen. What is 2+2?"
Karen: "4"
Teacher: "Yes! Finally! Show the other idiots how you got your ...

Alex Trebek and Sean Connery are at a seafood restaurant enjoying a dinner together.

Alex decides to get an order of oysters and when they come out they're still in the shell. Alex tries everything he can, but for some reason just can't even get one open. Exasperated, he looks over at Sean Connery and asks "how am I supposed to open this damn thing?" Sean Connery smiles, hands him a...

Knock Knock Who’s there! Alex!

Alex who?
Alex Plain later!

Knock Knock
Who’s there!
Alex!
Alex who?
Alex the questions round here!

My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings, “Well Alex? Do you think you’ll be next?”

We’ve settled this quickly once I’ve started doing the same to them at funerals.

What does the White Rhino have in common with Alex Trebec?

They’re both in jeopardy...

If Alex Jones and Chris Brown were both on fire and you only had one fire extinguisher...

Where would you hide it?

Alex Jones dies and meets Jesus at the pearly gates.

As they are waiting to see if God will allow Alex into heaven, Jesus says:

"Alex, while we wait you can ask me any question and I will answer it".

So Alex asks him, "who planned 9/11?"

And Jesus responds "Osama Bin Laden"

Alex goes " wow, this goes higher up than I though...

Alex Ovechkin invites Sidney Crosby over to watch a movie

Crosby sits down in the theater room, and waits for Ovechkin. Ovechkin finally walks in, and is drinking a cup a water. Crosby says "Hey can i get something to drink?". Ovechkin responds sorry I only have one cup.

Someone broke into Alex Rodriguez's house and beat his wife with a pole.

Actually it was A Rod

A little boy was jumping on his bed.

A few minutes later, his mom came in and said, "Alex! Stop doing that! You'll break the bed!"

Alex says, "But I heard you two jumping on your bed earlier, and you both were making weird sounds. Are you okay, Mommy?"

Mom said, ".....Uh..... Just stay in your room. And stop jumping on th...

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Beating Cancer’s Stupid Ass

Who is Alex Trebek?

My wife and I made a list of people we can sleep with if we ever met. She picked Channing Tatum, Alex Pettyfer, and Cam Gigandet

I picked her sister, her cousin, and our neighbor because men are simple like that.

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If Alex Trebek is accused of sexual harrasment...

his career will be in jeopardy!

Saw a bumper sticker that said: “who farted?”

About two cars later I saw another bumper sticker that said “Jesus is the answer “ I’ll take highway jeopardy for 500 Alex.

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An ex-businessman, now bankrupt, is preparing to jump off a bridge...

As he's about to step into the void, a hand grabs him from behind.

He turns back annoyed and sees that the hand belongs to an old bearded overweight guy.

"Why did you stop me you old fool?"

"Have you gone mad my son? You were about to kill yourself!" The old man exclaims with a ...

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Fuck you Korea

100% true.
My friend works as a biosecurity agent at Auckland Airport and told me about a time when his Korean colleague, Alex, had to process a Chinese passenger with a thick accent.

Alex: "Is there anything in your bag we should be concerned about?"

Passenger - " Fuck you Korea!"<...

Alex Trebek: Jesus Loves You.

What is a good thing to hear in church, but not so much in a Mexican prison?

A man starts his first day at a new job...

Jim begins his first day at work and is discussing his setup with his boss Alex.

Jim: Where will I be working?

Boss (Alex): You are going to be working in that cubical with Donkey right over there, why don’t you go introduce yourself.

Jim: (*walks over*)Hello my name is Jim and ...

Got an echo dot for xmas, I asked her to play some white noise to help me sleep.

Alex started playing Eminem.

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I once dated a girl with a twin. People kept asking how I could tell them apart.

I said it's easy. Jill (my girlfriend) has purple nails and Alex her twin keeps reposting this crappy joke to reddit.

A question from Jeopardy tonight about geography.

Alex: “Name this territory adjacent to the territory Nunavut.”

Me: “What is Alluvut?”

Too soon

What is making a joke about Alex Tribek's cancer diagnosis?

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A group of 4 year old kids were trying very hard to become accustomed to nursery

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!

You need to use 'Big People' words,' she was always reminding them.

She asked John what he had done over the weekend?

'I went to visit my Nana'.

No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big P...

5 kids wanted to get into a fraternity

Alex and his 4 friends wanted to get into a fraternity. So they went to the leader and asked him how they could get in. The fraternity leader told them that if they wanted to join his fraternity they would have to stand in a line and all get socked in the face. So they all stood in a line and waited...

My friend just had a convo with "Microsoft support"

I was just about to hang up when they called me, but my friend had a brilliant way of handling them.

Totally legit Microsoft support: “Hi. This is John Alex from Microsoft Support. We have detected a virus on your computer. Don't mind the fact that I can't pronounce 'Microsoft' properly," in ...

David Cameron sends Alex Salmond a text following the Scottish vote...

David: "Hi mate just checking in, u k?"

So, Alex had two parrots named Bob and Jim.

Alex was an older gentlemen, retired and fairly religious with lots of time on his hands. He figured it'd be fun to pass his time teaching the parrots to pray the rosary.

Alex went to his church, got a two small sets of rosary beads, gave them to Bob and Jim and got to work. After months of ...

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Alex The Gardener

A supervisor of a landscaping business got a call from one of his workers on Friday afternoon "Hey boss, it's me Alex, I'm not feeling so good today, I've got a big headache and just don't feel well." The boss replies; "You know, when I don't feel well, I like to go to my wife and ask for sex, then ...

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Turned on at the massage parlor.

I finally decided to get a massage last week at a parlor from a gentleman named Alex.

I’m a guy myself but heard he was the best.

Halfway through it was feeling good and I asked him, “Is it normal to get a boner during a massage?”

Alex said, “Yes, happens all the time.”
...

A Million Dollars of nothing

A 9th grade English teacher asked her class to write an essay on what they'd do if they had a million dollars.

Alex handed in a blank sheet of paper.

"Alex!" yelled the teacher, "you've done nothing. Why?"



"Because if I had a million dollars, that's exactly what I wou...

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Name changing

A guy came to my office asking to have his name changed.

"What's your name?" I asked.

"John Shit. I can't stand it anymore"

"And what's the name you want to have?"

"Alex Shit"

One Sunday morning, the pastor...

...noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque.
It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it.

The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up: stood beside the little boy: a...

Johnny was in the hospital.

Johnny was in the hospital, sitting on the bench. Johnny was here for an appointment.

As he waited he saw Alex come out crying.
Johnny: Why are you crying?
Alex: I just had a blood test.
Johnny: So, were you scared?
Alex: No. But they cut my finger.

Upon hearing this, Johnn...

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My friends and I get bullied a lot

I was at school, going to the lunchroom with my friends- James (he has Parkinson's Disease), Alex (he's mute), Megan (she's completely blind in both eyes), Abby (she has asthma) and Hayley (she's albino). I myself am paralyzed from the waist down and so I need to use a wheelchair. Since my friends a...

Mike Tyson is playing Jeopardy and the clue is "The part of a flower's stamen where pollen is produced".

He's the first to buzz in. Alex Trebek calls on him:

Alex: "Mike?"

Mike: "What is the answer?"

Alex: "You can't ask me, Mike. You have to give me the answer."

Mike: "I am! What is the answer?"

Alex: "You have to give *us* the answer to the clue, Mike, we can't tell...

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I’ve been having sex with a set of twins for a couple months. People have asked me how hard it is to tell them apart, but it is actually quite easy.

You see, Caroline is a redhead with an amazing pair of tits, and Alex has a cock.

The Wan family is sharing their home and a nice dinner with the Version family when a knock can be heard at the door.

Mr. Wan opens the door to a local police officer.

The officer says, "Good evening sir. We received a report of a mugging in this very neighborhood and are investigating the area to hopefully discover the true story of the event. Mind if I ask a few questions?"

Mr. Wan replies, "Well I...

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A teacher walks into a classroom...

She gets up to the chalkboard and tells the kids to shut up and they will be learning a new word today. "The word is definitely, now may I hear it used correctly in a sentence?"
A little boy raises his hand. "Yes bobby?"
"The sky is definitely blue!" The boy says.
"No, that is wrong, the s...

"Dad, why is my sister called Rose?"

"Becausr your mother likes roses."

"Thanks dad"

"No problem Alex."

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"Have you ever broken up with someone over a single character flaw?"

My ex-girlfriend and I were a perfect match.

Like Batman and Robin.

Only we didn’t solve crimes and the tight, latex outfits we owned were used in the bedroom and not on the streets.

I truly thought she was the one.

But she had one character flaw that proved too great to ...

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The 5th floor of the construction site

A man named Alex, is on the 5th floor of a construction site, and he really needed a Hammer but he didn't want to have to climb down to the ground to go an grab one. So Alex called out to his mate Jacob on the ground floor.


"HEY JACOB" Alex yelled, "CAN YOU RUN ME UP A HAMMER, MATE?"
<...

Anyone who believes in climate change just believes whatever someone tells them to. They don't think for themselves.

I know that because Alex Jones told me so

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sex with twins

Two guys are at a bar. One of them looks to the other and says, "I had the best time last night. I had sex with twins!" The other asks, "How could you tell them apart?" "Well, Jessica had long, beautiful, blonde hair, and Alex had a goatee.

I was talking to my friend about nicknames...

Like how “Maddie” is short for “Madeline” or “Alex” for “Alexander”

-“But wait, how do you get ‘Dick’ from ‘Richard?’”

You ask nicely

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Magical guitar

Alex and John were talking and suddenly John saw an electric guitar in Alex room and said " Is that new?"
Alex said " yeah that new and its magical!"
John said "really! What's the magic?"
Alex said "whenever I play this guitar I get to know " what's the time."
John said "how?"
Alex sa...

A boy learned about abortion is school one day...

When the boy got home he found his parents on the couch.

"Mom, Dad, what do you think about abortion?" He asked.

"I don't know," replied his dad, "ask your sister."

"I don't have a sis-"


(Thanks to my friend, Alex, for telling me that joke.)

Finding a striker

Manchester United manager Alex Ferguson sends scouts out around the world looking for a new talent to hopefully win the title. One of his scouts informs him of a young Afghani striker who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar. So Ferguson flies to Afghanistan to watch him and is suitably im...

Whenever I hear brick I always yell out "HOUSE!"

My friend Alex House hates when I go to his basketball games

A woman had five sons.

A woman had five sons: Alex, Bill, Chad, Doug, and Eric. One day, the woman gets a phone call from the hospital. The doctor says, "I'm so sorry to tell you this, but your son was in a car accident and broke his leg."

"Oh no!" She responds, "Which one?"

The doctor answers, "The left leg...

Dating a nice guy.

Sam: Your boyfriend seems real nice.

Alex: Yea, he's the best!

Sam: He seems a little TOO nice though, can't be all that exciting in the bedroom.

Alex: Not true, what they say about nice guys is true you know.

Sam: What's that?

Alex: Nice guys ALWAYS finish last.

The Flying Scotsman

Alex Salmond's colleagues decided it would be a worthy gesture to name a railway locomotive after him, so an official went to the National Railway Museum at York to investigate the possibilities.

"There are a number of locomotives at the NRM without names," a consultant told the official, but...

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Two women are talking about giving blowjobs.

The first says "I don't like sucking my boyfriend's dick".

"Why not?" the second asks.

Just then their third friend joins them.

"He's just too big. I feel it right in the back of my throat".

"I know what you mean", says the second woman, "Steve's so big that I feel him ba...

Wayne Rooney walks into a shop

He sees a shiny silver thermos flask that he has never seen before, so he finds a shop assistant and asks him, "what is this used for?" the shop assistant replies, "it is used to keep hot things hot and cold things cold". Wayne Rooney buys it and takes it to training the next day. Alex Ferguson sees...

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