UPJOKE
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Why are Taylor Swift's songs always a hit? (WARNING POKEMON JOKE)

Because swift never misses.

What do Taylor Swift and Chinese history have in common?

They both have a Blank Space in 1989

What do Taylor Swift and Charlie Sheen have in common?

Bad blood.

I have an RNA joke for Taylor Swift

But I'm afraid it might get lost in the translation.

Why didn’t the vampire attack Taylor Swift?

Because she had bad blood !

( For all the people who can laugh at a corny Taylor Swift joke ) lol

Taylor Swift is dropping albums like I’m dropping pounds

Only two, but still more than anyone expected.

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In the past, your last name often reflected your profession. Tailors - taylor, Blacksmith - Smith, ect.

So what the heck was a Dickinson?

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They say English surnames all had a meaning, as in, "Smiths" were blacksmiths and "Taylors" were tailors...

So what the fuck did the Dickinsons do?

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Elizabeth Taylor goes in to get her vagina reconditioned.

Elizabeth : Dr. I want to have the vagina of an 18 year old.

Dr. : Ok that can be done.

Elizabeth: Ok but please, ABSOLUTELY NO PAPARAZZI or MEDIA involvement!

Dr. : Of course, it will be completely confidential.


The surgery occurs with no complications. in f...

I used to be addicted to quoting Taylor Swift

But I think I'm finally clean.

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Taylor swift waved at a boy yesterday

But he didn't wave back... So she will have a new album coming out tomorrow.

I told my taylor his prices were outrageous

He told me to suit myself.

Did you ever hear that joke about Taylor series?

I don’t remember it exactly, but I can tell it pretty close.

What is Goofy’s favorite brand of shoes?

Hyuck Taylors

Does Taylor Swift wipe after going poo?

No, she just shakes it off.

PS: please share the tp everyone.

How did Marjorie Taylor Greene find out about the secret Jewish Space Laser?

It Torah hole in the atmosphere!

Taylor Swift recently outed herself as a Redditor.

Turns out all she cares about is Karma.

I've just spent the last 20 minutes talking to someone about size 15 Chuck Taylor shoes.

It was a lengthy Converse-ation

How does Marjorie Taylor Green vote on Democrat sponsored bills?

Neigh

I was trying to think of past Republicans similar to Marjorie Taylor Greene

But they just Palin comparison.

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How do we know Mayberry's Andy Taylor was a Redditor?

He had sex with Opie's mom.

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Joe Bamboozle knows everybody (long)

Ed and his friend Joe Bamboozle were walking along. They're passing by the signs for the big Taylor Swift concert.

Ed says that he would have loved to get a ticket to the show, but the very worst seat was way out of his price range.

Joe Bamboozle said "Oh, hey, no problem. I know Tay...

My wife just said I’m not allowed to come to the PTA meeting with her this week. I think it’s because she secretly knows Miss Taylor has a thing for me.

But my wife says it’s because she’s the teacher and we don’t have kids.

What do John Wilkes Booth and Taylor Swift have in common?

they both know how to get a crowd going

What's the difference between Taylor Swift and a stale Pepsi?

The stale Pepsi won't write a song about me after I dump it.

Taylor Swift's new song with Chris Brown is gonna be

A real hit

What do Taylor Swift and Avada Kedavra have in common?

They'll leave you breathless or with a nasty scar.

What did the three eggs say to Taylor Swift?

Omelette you finish...

What do you call a fast clothes maker?

Taylor Swift!

Made up by my nine year old :)

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Taylor Swift has 500 songs about blokes leaving her

and 0 songs about blowjobs.

See where I'm going with this?

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If people whose last name is Mason came from stone workers and people with the last name Taylor came from tailors...

then I don't want to know what the Dickinson family used to do.

Did you hear that all of Taylor Swift's exes are collaborating on a new album?

It's called "Maybe She's the Problem".

Name one thing Taylor Swift doesn't have in her purse

Her boyfriend's phone number

Why isn’t Taylor Swift a pair of congruent triangles?

Because there’s no ASS

Ryan Reynolds, Randall Park, Birdy, Daisy Ridley, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Chris Evans, Margot Robbie, Mark Ruffalo, Taylor Swift, and Donald Trump are playing Among Us.

They start by picking a color.

Trump declares he is Orange: “ I will be Orange because that’s my skin color!”

Daisy then adds, “If you wanna ridicule yourself then fine, I’ll pick blue.

Taylor Swift: “Cyan for the sky.”

Mark Ruffalo: “Hulk green, Hulk pick GREEEEEEN!”
...

Last year, Taylor Swift went on a world tour called TS 1989

That must've been an awkward stop in Beijing

Taylor Swift: "My reputation's never been worse, so you must like..."

Kanye: "Yo, Taylor, I'm really happy for you and I'mma let you finish, but Kanye West has one of the worst reputations of all time!"

My friend can make a made to measure suit in one hour.

I like to call him Taylor Swift.

What kind of shoes does Optimus Prime wear?

Truck Taylors

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Police work must be entertaining as well as dangerous.

Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night. The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency and public intoxication.
...

Tom Hiddleston and Taylor Swift's relationship is over after just three months because he wanted it to be more public...

I guess she wanted it to be more Loki.

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One of my friends from Beijing is a huge Taylor Swift fan and asked me to suggest an album of her..

I told him to search for T.S.1989..

haven't heard from him ever since...

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Taylor Swift's next album is going to be another break-up album.

It will be about her split with Spotify.

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My car started making this whining noise...

So I took it to the shop and had the mechanic look over it. Turns out all he had to do was take the Taylor Swift album out.


Sorry if this was a repost, I took a quick browse and didn't see it anywhere.

Glossing Over a Criminal in the Family Tree

The Taylors were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had traveled to America as pilgrims on the Mayflower. They had included congressmen, successful entrepreneurs, famous sports figures and television stars. They decided to research and write a family history, something for their childr...

A woman goes to the mechanic complaning of a terrible noise in her car

The mechanic looks, thinks for a second, and asks her:

"Have you tried turning your Taylor Swift playlist off?"

In light of the recent Taylor Swift & Tom Hiddleston news. I believe they shouldn't have let slip they are dating and kept it Loki

(Joke above)

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A guy suffering from banging headaches, finally gets to see a specialist after baffling doctors for years.

He explains to the specialist that for years now he has been suffering from banging headaches, and everything he has tried so far has no impact on the headaches at all.

The specialist carries out an examination, pokes and prods around a bit and has an idea. He runs a couple tests to be sure, ...

Guess!

Little Johnny comes to school sporting a big black eye. Ms. Taylor asks him how he got hurt, Johnny tells her “I was walking down the street and bumped into a lady who smacked me”.
Ms. Taylor “ That’s odd... what did you do?”
Johnny : “Nothing! She was wearing a Guess tank top so I said 32C”

Jesus's robes

Jesus is wandering around Jerusalem when he decides he really needs a new robe. After looking around, he sees a sign for "Finkelstein, the Tailor." He goes in and Finkelstein prepares a new robe for him which is a perfect fit.

When he asks how much he owes, Finkelstein brushes him off. "No, n...

Queen were on their very first tour and there was a mishap in booking hotel rooms.

They were meant to book two rooms with two beds each - instead they ended up with a single room with one bed. They were considering drawing straws to determine who would sleep on the floor, but miraculously, Freddie Mercury, Brian May, John Deacon and Roger Taylor all managed to fit comfortably on t...

My friends are named after what they do...

My friend Butch is a butcher, my friend Taylor is a tailor, and my black friend's name is Rob

A blond is asked the definition of Politics.

She says "Simple! It comes from two words. The first, poly- which is Latin for many. And ticks, which are blood sucking bugs."

credit - Taylor Mason

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven...

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven, where they are met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. He says, "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone and do anything you want."

The first nun says, "I want-a to be Taylor Swift" and...

What's got 10,000 legs and three pubes?

A Taylor Swift concert.

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The cocky exponential function e^x is strolling along the road insulting the functions he sees walking by.

He scoffs at a wandering polynomial for the shortness of its Taylor series. He snickers at a passing smooth function of compact support and its glaring lack of a convergent power series about many of its points. He positively laughs as he passes |x| for being nondifferentiable at the origin. He smil...

Bengals Anthrax Scare

Cincinnati, OH Monday, November 11, 2019 – Anthrax Scare At Paul Brown Stadium

Cincinnati Bengals football practice was delayed nearly two hours today after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the practice field.

Coach Zac Taylor immediately suspended practi...

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Who's the only person known to have had sex with OP's mom?

Sheriff Andy Taylor

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[NSFW] Urban Dictionary word example

Tony: "Bro, I rage fucked Taylor last night!"

Frankie: "What!? She ha......"

Tony: "Hell ya! It was awesome. I took all my anger out on her! Felt so good!"

Frankie: "But she ha......"

Tony: "Best day of my life! Wait sorry I interrupted you again. What were you going ...

The Tale of Arnold Chegwin

When Arnold Chegwin was a young man, he decided that he wanted to be a pub.
He loved the pub after spending time in his local, "The Queen's Arms". 'I'd love to be a pub', he would think.
With a roaring fire and everybody inside me laughing away...

As time passed and he grew older, he se...

The phone rings...

"Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot - he is dead."
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
...

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Karma

Back in the mid-1960s, in an English country pub, a man is sat quietly enjoying a pint of Timothy Taylor Landlord (an excellent English ale). All of a sudden, a bunch of noisy yobs come into the pub and order lager. The mouthiest of the bunch walks across to the man and says, "Oi! You're sitting in ...

A guy is grocery shopping when he sees a beautiful blonde, who smiles and waves at him.

She stops to talk to him, and he can't remember who she is. Instead of faking it, he fesses up and says, "Hi - you look really familiar, but I don't remember how I know you."

She responds, "My name is Taylor, and I think you're the father of one of my children."

The guy's mind reels w...

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