Taylor Swift is dropping albums like I’m dropping pounds

Only two, but still more than anyone expected.

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Elizabeth Taylor goes in to get her vagina reconditioned.

Elizabeth : Dr. I want to have the vagina of an 18 year old.

Dr. : Ok that can be done.

Elizabeth: Ok but please, ABSOLUTELY NO PAPARAZZI or MEDIA involvement!

Dr. : Of course, it will be completely confidential.


The surgery occurs with no complications. in f...

I was trying to think of past Republicans similar to Marjorie Taylor Greene

But they just Palin comparison.

In church I heard an old lady saying a prayer

It was so sweet and sincere that I just had to share with you:-
"Dear Lord,
This has been a tough couple of years.
You have taken my favourite actor Patrick Swayze.
My favourite pop singer Michael Jackson.
My favourite Blues artist BB King.
My favourite actress Elizabeth Taylor....

How does Marjorie Taylor Green vote on Democrat sponsored bills?

Neigh

Why didn’t the vampire bite Taylor Swift?

Because she had bad blood

How did Marjorie Taylor Greene find out about the secret Jewish Space Laser?

It Torah hole in the atmosphere!

Ryan Reynolds, Randall Park, Birdy, Daisy Ridley, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Chris Evans, Margot Robbie, Mark Ruffalo, Taylor Swift, and Donald Trump are playing Among Us.

They start by picking a color.

Trump declares he is Orange: “ I will be Orange because that’s my skin color!”

Daisy then adds, “If you wanna ridicule yourself then fine, I’ll pick blue.

Taylor Swift: “Cyan for the sky.”

Mark Ruffalo: “Hulk green, Hulk pick GREEEEEEN!”
...

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Did you hear that KFC is serving a Taylor Swift special?

It consists of two long skinny legs, two small breasts, and a left wing.

I used to be addicted to quoting Taylor Swift

But I think I'm finally clean.

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Karma

Back in the mid-1960s, in an English country pub, a man is sat quietly enjoying a pint of Timothy Taylor Landlord (an excellent English ale). All of a sudden, a bunch of noisy yobs come into the pub and order lager. The mouthiest of the bunch walks across to the man and says, "Oi! You're sitting in ...

Did you hear that all of Taylor Swift's exes are collaborating on a new album?

It's called "Maybe She's the Problem".

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If people whose last name is Mason came from stone workers and people with the last name Taylor came from tailors...

then I don't want to know what the Dickinson family used to do.

Why are Taylor Swift's songs always a hit? (WARNING POKEMON JOKE)

Because swift never misses.

Does Taylor Swift wipe after going poo?

No, she just shakes it off.

PS: please share the tp everyone.

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They say English surnames all had a meaning, as in, "Smiths" were blacksmiths and "Taylors" were tailors...

So what exactly did the Dickinsons do?

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Taylor swift waved at a boy yesterday

But he didn't wave back... So she will have a new album coming out tomorrow.

What do John Wilkes Booth and Taylor Swift have in common?

they both know how to get a crowd going

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How do we know Mayberry's Andy Taylor was a Redditor?

He had sex with Opie's mom.

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A guy suffering from banging headaches, finally gets to see a specialist after baffling doctors for years.

He explains to the specialist that for years now he has been suffering from banging headaches, and everything he has tried so far has no impact on the headaches at all.

The specialist carries out an examination, pokes and prods around a bit and has an idea. He runs a couple tests to be sure, ...

My music teacher asked me a question. I said, "Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift."

"Excuse me?" he replied, hesitantly. "I was asking if you knew 'sheet' music."

Why isn’t Taylor Swift a pair of congruent triangles?

Because there’s no ASS

Literary historians recently found a Briton recipe for a citrus-based sauce translated by Samuel Taylor Coleridge

It was called the 'Lime of the Ancient Marinade'

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Taylor Swift has 500 songs about blokes leaving her

and 0 songs about blowjobs.

See where I'm going with this?

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One of my friends from Beijing is a huge Taylor Swift fan and asked me to suggest an album of her..

I told him to search for T.S.1989..

haven't heard from him ever since...

Taylor Swift's new song with Chris Brown is gonna be

A real hit

Tom Hiddleston and Taylor Swift's relationship is over after just three months because he wanted it to be more public...

I guess she wanted it to be more Loki.

What do Taylor Swift and Avada Kedavra have in common?

They'll leave you breathless or with a nasty scar.

What's the difference between Taylor Swift and a stale Pepsi?

The stale Pepsi won't write a song about me after I dump it.

Taylor Swift recently outed herself as a Redditor.

Turns out all she cares about is Karma.

In light of the recent Taylor Swift & Tom Hiddleston news. I believe they shouldn't have let slip they are dating and kept it Loki

(Joke above)

Name one thing Taylor Swift doesn't have in her purse

Her boyfriend's phone number

Last year, Taylor Swift went on a world tour called TS 1989

That must've been an awkward stop in Beijing

Guess!

Little Johnny comes to school sporting a big black eye. Ms. Taylor asks him how he got hurt, Johnny tells her “I was walking down the street and bumped into a lady who smacked me”.
Ms. Taylor “ That’s odd... what did you do?”
Johnny : “Nothing! She was wearing a Guess tank top so I said 32C”

Just had an argument with the wife.

She was angry because I didn't open the car door. What happened was that I just panicked and swam to the surface.

— maybe Denis Taylor, via Steve Davis

Judge tells Taylor Swift to turn the other cheek

It didn't sit well with her.

What did the three eggs say to Taylor Swift?

Omelette you finish...

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Best Come Back Line Ever.'

Police work must be entertaining as well as dangerous .

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, in a pumpkin patch 12.01 a.m. on Friday.

On Monday, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public i...

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Taylor Swift's next album is going to be another break-up album.

It will be about her split with Spotify.

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My car started making this whining noise...

So I took it to the shop and had the mechanic look over it. Turns out all he had to do was take the Taylor Swift album out.


Sorry if this was a repost, I took a quick browse and didn't see it anywhere.

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The cocky exponential function e^x is strolling along the road insulting the functions he sees walking by.

He scoffs at a wandering polynomial for the shortness of its Taylor series. He snickers at a passing smooth function of compact support and its glaring lack of a convergent power series about many of its points. He positively laughs as he passes |x| for being nondifferentiable at the origin. He smil...

Bengals Anthrax Scare

Cincinnati, OH Monday, November 11, 2019 – Anthrax Scare At Paul Brown Stadium

Cincinnati Bengals football practice was delayed nearly two hours today after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the practice field.

Coach Zac Taylor immediately suspended practi...

What do you call a fast clothes maker?

Taylor Swift!

Made up by my nine year old :)

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Dave gets shipwrecked and stranded on a small tropical island...

... he sets out to explore his new surroundings, and finds another survivor. It's Taylor Swift. He's a bit star-struck at first, but manages to pull it together enough to help her up off the shore.

He manages to build a hut for shelter, and starts a fire for warmth overnight, and finds edib...

I was Washingtons of clothes when...

Adams-el in distress ran up to me and said her boyfriend Jefferson was being not nice and even though I was a bit Madison at the guy I couldn’t help but give her retreat, and boy, she was such a Monroe!

My friend Jack’s son decided to do a van burying on me I was having a leisurely drive. He ...

TIFU They say you should NEVER meet your heroes and after today I believe it is true.

So I have seen the YouTube videos of celebrities meeting their fans and some stand outs are Taylor Swift meeting young fans and the emotions of these kids see them crying uncontrollably. I always wanted to meet Sting from the Police or Bono from U2 or Ed Sheeran, I mean how cool would it be. Well to...

Finkelstein and Jesus

Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem when he decided that he really needed a new robe.

After looking around for a while, he saw a sign for "Finkelstein the Tailor."

So, he went in and made the necessary arrangements to have Finkelstein prepare a new robe for him. A few days later, wh...

Queen were on their very first tour and there was a mishap in booking hotel rooms.

They were meant to book two rooms with two beds each - instead they ended up with a single room with one bed. They were considering drawing straws to determine who would sleep on the floor, but miraculously, Freddie Mercury, Brian May, John Deacon and Roger Taylor all managed to fit comfortably on t...

A blond is asked the definition of Politics.

She says "Simple! It comes from two words. The first, poly- which is Latin for many. And ticks, which are blood sucking bugs."

credit - Taylor Mason

My friends are named after what they do...

My friend Butch is a butcher, my friend Taylor is a tailor, and my black friend's name is Rob

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven...

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven, where they are met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. He says, "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone and do anything you want."

The first nun says, "I want-a to be Taylor Swift" and...

What's got 10,000 legs and three pubes?

A Taylor Swift concert.

The phone rings...

"Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot - he is dead."
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
...

Topical Jokes for 10/21

(for best results, read in the voice of your favorite late night host)

NASA scientists are preparing for a mission to Mars by spending eight months in Hawaii. After eight months in Hawaii, the scientists will then go on a well-earned vacation.

...the Hawaii mission will help astronauts...

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[NSFW] Urban Dictionary word example

Tony: "Bro, I rage fucked Taylor last night!"

Frankie: "What!? She ha......"

Tony: "Hell ya! It was awesome. I took all my anger out on her! Felt so good!"

Frankie: "But she ha......"

Tony: "Best day of my life! Wait sorry I interrupted you again. What were you going ...

A guy is grocery shopping when he sees a beautiful blonde, who smiles and waves at him.

She stops to talk to him, and he can't remember who she is. Instead of faking it, he fesses up and says, "Hi - you look really familiar, but I don't remember how I know you."

She responds, "My name is Taylor, and I think you're the father of one of my children."

The guy's mind reels w...

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Who's the only person known to have had sex with OP's mom?

Sheriff Andy Taylor

Flea master

There as a flea who hates his life. One day he goes to the flea master and says to him "I am miserable, will you please put me somewhere where I am happy." The flea master thinks and says, "I have somewhere I can put you." I will put you up on a horses hind, you'll really love it there." So the mas...

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