Anthony Mundine thinks that people shouldn't vaccinate their children...

I don’t think people should be taking medical advice from someone who used to get punched in the head for a living.

What's the difference between Anthony Mundine and two minute noodles? [OC]

About 25 seconds.

Anthony Scaramucci

[removed]

So Anthony Bourdain was cremated...

Surely as a chef he would have preferred they stopped when he was medium rare.

Bill Cosby, Anthony Weiner and Harvey Weinstein walk into a bar

Harvey says, "Hey Bill, buy me a drink!"
Bill shouts back, "I don't know what role you're trying to offer me, but let's not involve Weiner..."

When I heard about Anthony Scaramucci my first thought was ...

Will he do the fandango?

Anthony arrived home from work one day, only to find his wife totally stressed out because their kids had been running wild all day...

She asks him if he would please take them out for a pizza.

He agrees, tells the kids to go out to the garage and to wait in the car, following behind them.

A few moments later, the wife hears two loud bangs.

Tony comes back into the house and asks, "Where's my pizza?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Mrs. Esposito comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner.

He lives with a female roommate, Maria.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than meet the e...

It looks like Sean "Spicy" Spicer has been replaced with Anthony "Scary" Scaramucci

I wonder who the next replacement will be "Sporty", "Baby", "Ginger" or "Posh"

So the FBI is reopening their investigation due to emails found on computers at Anthony Weiner's house.

If these emails bring Hillary down, it'll be the first time she's been screwed by a Weiner in years.

I'd tell you guys a Casey Anthony joke..

But my mother would kill me.

My dad always believed in learning things by doing them.

So when I was a kid, he threw me in the lake...

​

So that he could teach himself CPR

​

Credit: Anthony Jeselnik

What is Anthony Weiner's favorite type of mail?

Junk mail

On a scale of Casey Anthony to Jerry Sandusky...

...how much do you like kids?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Trump & Hillary are at Anthony Weiner's NYC Hot Dog stand...

... and Anthony Weiner, out of a political job, is serving hot dogs to passersby after the election. Weiner turns around to do some sexting and Hillary snatches 3 hot dogs and shoves them in her pockets. She turns to Trump and says...

"See, that's how it's done -- when nobody is looking!"
...

My girlfriend keeps joking she’s addicted to chocolate.

She eats it every chance she gets. I finally got so fed up that I took her downtown to see a homeless junkie. I pointed at him and said, “Now that, see that? Why can’t you be that skinny?”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Think Casey Anthony will go into porn now, . . .

Since she gets off so easy?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why is Anthony Weiner considered a hipster?

He had has dick out for Harambe before it was cool.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A priest needs to go to the bathroom, but it's a busy day so he asks an altar boy to work the confessional for a little while...

The priest tells the boy, "don't worry, all the sins and their punishments are listed inside on the wall."

So the altar boy goes in. The first confessor, a woman enters. "Bless me father for I have sinned: I gave my boyfriend a blowjob."

The altar boy is looking on the punishment sheet...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A one liner I thought up while watching Anthony Bourdain's new show...

"I've seen more crazy shit than Anthony Bourdain's ass hole."

Did you hear the one about the mother who called all her 10 sons Anthony?

When someone told her that it's a complication she replied, "No it's not. It simplifies my life."

"How so?" she was asked.

"Simple" she replied, "When dinner's ready I just call Anthony and all of them come."

"But what do you do if you want to call the attention of one in partic...

Little Jimmy has spent the last few days eating over his friends house...

The first night, he ate dinner over the McNally's house. The table was set and before everyone ate, they all said a prayer.

On the second night, he ate dinner at the Goldman's house. The table was set and before anyone ate, they all said a prayer.

On the third night, little Little Jimm...

A teacher asks the class,"What do you do after school, kids?"

Anthony says "I buy weed from Yakobo"

Emily says "I buy booze from Yakobo"

Shaun says "I buy cocaine from Yakobo"

The teacher definitely didn't want to hear this type of responses, so she asks another random kid whom she didn't know that well.

"I complete my homework" he ...

Two friends like to draw together.

Today they decide to draw a nightclub, one friend, Anthony, drew the interior and exterior. The other, Dave, drew the people. First they start with the outside, they draw a bouncer with a goofy face and the line, some people normal some crazy looking.

Inside, they draw a DJ, and the dance fl...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Penis Contest

Three third-graders, a Jew, an Italian, and an African American are on the playground at recess. The Jewish kid suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest dick," he says. "Okay," they all agree.

The Jewish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing," s...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Irish Dad

Paddy found a small plastic bag in his teenage sons pocket.

The bag was full of a white powder.

He called his son Mick into his bedroom.

"Mick, what the fuck is this?"

Mick exclaimed "Da, am sorry! It's cocaine n a didn't mean to get into it! Anthony gave me it! It feels...

An old man lay dying under the ceiling fan. . .

An old man lay dying under the ceiling fan, which had the bearing of a military helicopter airily surveying the aftermath of a natural disaster.

Surrounded by his son, his twin daughters and a haggard-looking nurse who looked about ready to end it all if only she could find the bloody switch,...

A father's day joke

Father: Anthony, do you think I am a bad father?

Son: My name is Paul.

Why do lottery winners always go bankrupt?

Because if they knew anything about managing money, they wouldn't be playing the lotto in the first place!

- Anthony Jeselneck

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Hadrian's Wall

Hadrian is looking out from the wall and a Scotsman appears from behind a small hill and shouts up to him -

"One Scotsman can beat any Roman."

Hadrian says, "Brutus go & sort him out".

Brutus goes off and there's a clanging and clattering of swords - he doesn't come back....

You don’t know anything about pain until you’ve seen your own baby drowned in a tub...

And you definitely don’t know anything about how to wash a baby.

.
.
(Anthony Jeselnik)

Just heard my ex just moved in with her boyfriend and he's abusive. Makes me wanna go over there with a baseball bat...

... and then blame it on the boyfriend


Credits ~ Anthony Jeselnik

What do ISIS and little miss muffet have in common?

They both have Kurds in their way

Credit to /u/MolecularAnthony

Two of my favorite jokes by my favorite comedian

"Me and girlfriend..... we’re not together anymore. She's got a new boyfriend now. They just moved in together. Actually, I’ve heard rumors that he's abusive, which kinda makes me want to go over there with a baseball bat...... and then blame it on her boyfriend."

"My girlfriend has the great...

4th of July Alcohol puns: American Heroes edition.

So this all started with Abraham Drinkin.

Help us come up with more. It has to be a character from American History to celebrate today as well as some sort of alcohol theme.

Here's what we have so far (some are better than others) :

Abraham Drinkin

John Wilkes Booze
...

Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha?

I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.


*-Anthony Jeselnik, Shakespeare*

My dad doesnt trust anyone, in fact he has a saying about it

But he wouldnt tell me



Credits: Anthony Jeselnik

My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person

So I can get a better girlfriend

---Not OC, credit: Anthony Jeselnik

My parenrs were very principled people...

When I was young, they caught me smoking one Newport. They proceeded to force me to smoke the whole pack, just to teach me a valuable lesson..


..about brand loyalty.


_ credits to Anthony Jeselnik

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

THE MAN of the Italian house

Anthony had just finished reading a new book entitled, _You Can Be THE MAN of Your House._

Inspired, he stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am THE MAN of this house and my word is Law. You'll prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm...

I just found out my grandmother only has one day left to live. And I know this might sound cruel...

...but I'm not paying the ransom. -Anthony Jeselnik

When I graduated high school I wanted to buy a motorcycle..

When I finished high school I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. But my mom said no. See, she had an uncle who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18. And I could just have his motorcycle. - Anthony Jeselnik

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was in a bar last night, saw this beautiful woman...

... like a supermodel.

I walked up, I was like "Hey, where you from? What do you do?"

She goes, "Oh, me, I live here in San Francisco. I am a brain surgeon."

I don't know if this makes me sexist but I was really impressed...

Most women... can't pull of sarcasm.

...

Careful what you wish for!

I don’t think I ever got over
my grandmother’s death when I was a kid.
My grandmother died from a heart attack
during my ninth birthday party.
Literally while she was eating cake.
And I guess that must have screwed me up a little bit.
I mean, I still have birthday parties.
But n...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

In honor of the papal visit, I submit the worst, longest, most tortuous pope joke I know.

It's 1969.

China and the Soviet Union are on the brink of open hostilities. The war would kill us all. And only the pope can save the day.

Well, so thinks Richard Nixon.

See, he'd been up all night watching *The Shoes of the Fisherman*, and it was such a harrowing vision that he...

A priest dies...

And goes to heaven. There's a small queue to get in, and when he gets to be second in line, he overhears St. Peter asking some basic questions to the man in front of him, like what's your name/ occupation, and where are you from? They guy in front of the priest is wearing tight fitting, torn black c...

Wrote this while waiting for a burrito in 2009

What's the difference between Helen Keller and Susan B. Anthony?

One doesn't know her place, the other can't find it.

A good name for a transvestite.

Susan B. Anthony

I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn’t serious.

Nobody saw me.

Anthony Jeselnik.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

red hot chili peppers joke (original)

So Anthony Kiedis is hanging out at Flea's house. Flea says he's having trouble hooking up his VCR to his TV and he asks Anthony to take a look at it, to see if he can find the problem.

Anthony gets up and takes a look behind the TV at the wires and cables and whatnot.

"I think the pr...