UPJOKE
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Anthony Fauci is giving the President his daily briefing.

He concludes by saying: ‘‘Yesterday, 300 Brazilians died of COVID.’’ ‘‘Oh no!’’ President Trump exclaims. ‘‘That’s terrible!’’ His staff are stunned at this uncharacteristic display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands. Finally, Trump looks up and asks: ‘‘How many is a...

I was going to tell a Casey Anthony joke...But...

My mom would kill me!

Dr. Anthony Fauci Proves his Manhood

It's 2020, the pandemic is raging, and the White House is not happy with what Dr. Fauci has been saying on certain news stations. The argument has devolved from being fact-based to Trump calling Fauci's manhood into question. After getting wind of what the Oval Office has been calling him, Fauci r...

My neighbor is a 90 year old with Alzheimer's, I see him every morning and he asks me If I've seen his wife. Every day I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago. I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question.

But the look of joy in his eyes when I tell him this is worth a world.

OG: Anthony Jeselnik

Casey Anthony is removing her podcast from Spotify.

If she wanted to kill Spotify she should’ve done it when it was still in its infancy

Why couldn't Cleopatra accept Mark Anthony's death?

She was the queen of denial

Anthony Scaramucci

[removed]

Anthony Mundine thinks that people shouldn't vaccinate their children...

I don’t think people should be taking medical advice from someone who used to get punched in the head for a living.

Just found out that Sir Anthony Hopkins is Welsh.

Certainly explains why he wanted all those lambs to keep quiet.

Floyd Mayweather, Anthony Joshua and Tyson Fury were waiting in a queue.

(Punchline)

Anthony Joshua 21 KOs, David Haye 26 KOs, Floyd Mayweather 27 KOs...

Bill Cosby 30 KOs.

Dr. Anthony Fauci, Director of the U.S. National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, told the President: "This morning, 3 Brazilians were killed by Covid-19."

Trump's face went egg-shell white with shock. The blood drained from his face; and, to everyone’s amazement, he collapsed on the floor.

Minutes passed, and to everyone’s relief President Trump got up shakily and then sat back on his chair.

His staff was nothing less than stunned at thi...

Where did Anthony Hopkins go to learn about cannibalism?

To a Hannibal Lecture.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once dated a girl that owned a parrot. That thing would never shut the fuck up.

The parrot was cool, though.




^Originally ^an ^Anthony ^Jeselnik ^joke

Anthony, a chef from Latvia, decided to open an Italian restaurant...

He named it Rigatoni's.

The Real Laws of the Universe

LORENZ'S LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR Once your hands become coated with grease or paint, your nose will begin to itch.

ANTHONY'S LAW OF THE WORKSHOP Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

KOVAC'S CONUNDRUM When you dial a wrong number, you NEVER get an engaged...

On a scale from Casey Anthony to Jerry Sandusky... how much do you like kids?...

Somewhere around a Ronald McDonald, I pretend to like them but slowly kill them with diabetes

The missing sugar bowl

Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Maria.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if ther...

What's the difference between Anthony Mundine and two minute noodles? [OC]

About 25 seconds.

So the FBI is reopening their investigation due to emails found on computers at Anthony Weiner's house.

If these emails bring Hillary down, it'll be the first time she's been screwed by a Weiner in years.

So Anthony Bourdain was cremated...

Surely as a chef he would have preferred they stopped when he was medium rare.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Think Casey Anthony will go into porn now, . . .

Since she gets off so easy?

What is Anthony Weiner's favorite type of mail?

Junk mail

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I once dated a girl with a twin..

People asked me how I could tell them apart. It was simple, Jill colored her nails purple and Bob had a cock.

Thanks to Anthony Jeselnik for the joke

Trump's going to pardon Susan B. Anthony...

He just learned the she too campaigned against mass voting by male.

Anthony arrived home from work one day, only to find his wife totally stressed out because their kids had been running wild all day...

She asks him if he would please take them out for a pizza.

He agrees, tells the kids to go out to the garage and to wait in the car, following behind them.

A few moments later, the wife hears two loud bangs.

Tony comes back into the house and asks, "Where's my pizza?"

A joke my dad has been telling for 45 years

My dad played high school baseball, and the second baseman, John, eventually grew up to be a very successful accountant and married his high school sweetheart. Over the next 25 years, John also collected rare and antique baseball cards, eventually accumulating the world's most expensive collection…<...

Bill Cosby, Anthony Weiner and Harvey Weinstein walk into a bar

Harvey says, "Hey Bill, buy me a drink!"
Bill shouts back, "I don't know what role you're trying to offer me, but let's not involve Weiner..."

It looks like Sean "Spicy" Spicer has been replaced with Anthony "Scary" Scaramucci

I wonder who the next replacement will be "Sporty", "Baby", "Ginger" or "Posh"

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Three third graders, a Jewish kid, an Italian kid and a Hillbilly kid are on the playground at recess.

The Jewish kid suggests that they play a new game "Lets see who has the largest penis," he says. "Okay." They all agree. The Jewish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer. Now not to be outdone, the Hillb...

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A one liner I thought up while watching Anthony Bourdain's new show...

"I've seen more crazy shit than Anthony Bourdain's ass hole."

This one time I was hit on by Anthony Kiedis.

I only had two options, either give it away... or flea

Did you hear the one about the mother who called all her 10 sons Anthony?

When someone told her that it's a complication she replied, "No it's not. It simplifies my life."

"How so?" she was asked.

"Simple" she replied, "When dinner's ready I just call Anthony and all of them come."

"But what do you do if you want to call the attention of one in partic...

Shamus Murphy was enjoying a pint at the bar, when he saw someone who looked very familiar

Aye! You look familiar, what is your name?

Me name is Angus Murphy.

You don't say? M'name is Shamus Murphy!

You don' say? Did you grow up in the town of Derry?

I did! Did you go to Saint Anthony's?

I did! Did you have an Aunt named Mildred?

I did! Did your f...

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My brother-in-law is a cop. Yesterday he told me that the only way he'd let someone out of a DUI is if they'd give him a blowjob.

I said, "Hey asshole! You're *married* to my *sister!*


"Just give me the DUI..."


-Anthony Jeselnik

Segura’s favorite Jeselnik

When I finished high school I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle.
But my mom said no.
See, she had an uncle who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18.

And I could just have his motorcycle.

- Anthony Jeselnik
...

The Democrats are having trouble gaining traction for any of their candidates, so

They have asked Anthony Wiener to run for President and he would have Eric Holder as his VP.


They say it's the Wiener-Holder ticket. They will beat the competition, be hard on crime, and get a grip on the big issues.


They will get to meat of it all.

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A priest needs to go to the bathroom, but it's a busy day so he asks an altar boy to work the confessional for a little while...

The priest tells the boy, "don't worry, all the sins and their punishments are listed inside on the wall."

So the altar boy goes in. The first confessor, a woman enters. "Bless me father for I have sinned: I gave my boyfriend a blowjob."

The altar boy is looking on the punishment sheet...

I’m from Pittsburgh, originally — and just hang out with my mom for a little bit, you know?

Wanted to go home and hang out with her for a little bit, you know, help her out, cheer her up. But all my mom cares about now is the lottery and me running errands for her. Like, every day. Every day, it’s, “Anthony, go play my numbers. Go play my numbers, please. I don’t want to miss out today.” F...

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A cattle rancher walks into a bar...

He walks up and orders a strong drink, "herding cattle is tough work!"

The bartender nods.

In walks a middle-aged woman, who orders two strong drinks, "Cattle? Try herding cats! I've got eight of them!"

The bartender raises an eyebrow, but nods.

Then comes a preschool t...

In a convent, the Mother Superior, a very mean woman, woke up.

\- What a wonderful day! Today, I'm so happy, I'll even be nice for the nuns - she said.

She got out of her room and saw a nun in the hall.

\- Good morning, Sister Joanna! You look really beautiful today! And that shirt you're knitting is so pretty!

\- Thanks, Mother. You look g...

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A man visits court to ask for a name change

"Hi there, I would like to change my name, please", the man says.

"I see... Why exactly do you want to change your name?", the clerk asked.

"Well, I was named after my father but he abandoned us while I was a baby so I don't feel any connection to it."

"I understand but we can't...

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My brother has been staying with me for a couple weeks now, which has been awful.

My brother is crazy. Even my neighbors hate him. The other day I opened the door...I caught him masturbating. He looks me right in the eyes and goes, “Shut the door.”

I said, “Get inside.”


credit: Anthony Jeselnik

My sister had a baby to save the relationship...

But i still don’t talk to her.

Credit: anthony jeselnik

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Little Johnny is learning the alphabet...

And you guys all know little Johnny, right? The kid is *no good.* He uses any excuse to disrupt class and say something rude. And his teacher is going through the alphabet and asking for examples of the letters.


"Who can tell me a word that starts with 'a'?"

Johnny's hand shoots up...

Little Jimmy has spent the last few days eating over his friends house...

The first night, he ate dinner over the McNally's house. The table was set and before everyone ate, they all said a prayer.

On the second night, he ate dinner at the Goldman's house. The table was set and before anyone ate, they all said a prayer.

On the third night, little Little Jimm...

My dad always believed in learning things by doing them.

So when I was a kid, he threw me in the lake...



So that he could teach himself CPR



Credit: Anthony Jeselnik

My girlfriend keeps joking she’s addicted to chocolate.

She eats it every chance she gets. I finally got so fed up that I took her downtown to see a homeless junkie. I pointed at him and said, “Now that, see that? Why can’t you be that skinny?”

Remember, no matter how useless you think your job is . . .

Somewhere, Anthony Fauci is providing advice to Trump.

Two of my favorite jokes by my favorite comedian

"Me and girlfriend..... we’re not together anymore. She's got a new boyfriend now. They just moved in together. Actually, I’ve heard rumors that he's abusive, which kinda makes me want to go over there with a baseball bat...... and then blame it on her boyfriend."

"My girlfriend has the great...

A teacher asks the class,"What do you do after school, kids?"

Anthony says "I buy weed from Yakobo"

Emily says "I buy booze from Yakobo"

Shaun says "I buy cocaine from Yakobo"

The teacher definitely didn't want to hear this type of responses, so she asks another random kid whom she didn't know that well.

"I complete my homework" he ...

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Hadrian's Wall

Hadrian is looking out from the wall and a Scotsman appears from behind a small hill and shouts up to him -

"One Scotsman can beat any Roman."

Hadrian says, "Brutus go & sort him out".

Brutus goes off and there's a clanging and clattering of swords - he doesn't come back....

Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha?

I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.


*-Anthony Jeselnik, Shakespeare*

An old man lay dying under the ceiling fan. . .

An old man lay dying under the ceiling fan, which had the bearing of a military helicopter airily surveying the aftermath of a natural disaster.

Surrounded by his son, his twin daughters and a haggard-looking nurse who looked about ready to end it all if only she could find the bloody switch,...

What do ISIS and little miss muffet have in common?

They both have Kurds in their way

Credit to /u/MolecularAnthony

I just got a blood test. Was told my blood type is O negative? Do you know what that means?

Means I can donate blood to anyone in the world...who also has aids.

(Stolen from Anthony jeselniks’s standup special)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

THE MAN of the Italian house

Anthony had just finished reading a new book entitled, _You Can Be THE MAN of Your House._

Inspired, he stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am THE MAN of this house and my word is Law. You'll prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm...

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Irish Dad

Paddy found a small plastic bag in his teenage sons pocket.

The bag was full of a white powder.

He called his son Mick into his bedroom.

"Mick, what the fuck is this?"

Mick exclaimed "Da, am sorry! It's cocaine n a didn't mean to get into it! Anthony gave me it! It feels...

4th of July Alcohol puns: American Heroes edition.

So this all started with Abraham Drinkin.

Help us come up with more. It has to be a character from American History to celebrate today as well as some sort of alcohol theme.

Here's what we have so far (some are better than others) :

Abraham Drinkin

John Wilkes Booze
...

A father's day joke

Father: Anthony, do you think I am a bad father?

Son: My name is Paul.

Why do lottery winners always go bankrupt?

Because if they knew anything about managing money, they wouldn't be playing the lotto in the first place!

- Anthony Jeselneck

You don’t know anything about pain until you’ve seen your own baby drowned in a tub...

And you definitely don’t know anything about how to wash a baby.

.
.
(Anthony Jeselnik)

Careful what you wish for!

I don’t think I ever got over
my grandmother’s death when I was a kid.
My grandmother died from a heart attack
during my ninth birthday party.
Literally while she was eating cake.
And I guess that must have screwed me up a little bit.
I mean, I still have birthday parties.
But n...

My dad doesnt trust anyone, in fact he has a saying about it

But he wouldnt tell me



Credits: Anthony Jeselnik

Wrote this while waiting for a burrito in 2009

What's the difference between Helen Keller and Susan B. Anthony?

One doesn't know her place, the other can't find it.

I just found out my grandmother only has one day left to live. And I know this might sound cruel...

...but I'm not paying the ransom. -Anthony Jeselnik

My parenrs were very principled people...

When I was young, they caught me smoking one Newport. They proceeded to force me to smoke the whole pack, just to teach me a valuable lesson..


..about brand loyalty.


_ credits to Anthony Jeselnik

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was in a bar last night, saw this beautiful woman...

... like a supermodel.

I walked up, I was like "Hey, where you from? What do you do?"

She goes, "Oh, me, I live here in San Francisco. I am a brain surgeon."

I don't know if this makes me sexist but I was really impressed...

Most women... can't pull of sarcasm.

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In honor of the papal visit, I submit the worst, longest, most tortuous pope joke I know.

It's 1969.

China and the Soviet Union are on the brink of open hostilities. The war would kill us all. And only the pope can save the day.

Well, so thinks Richard Nixon.

See, he'd been up all night watching *The Shoes of the Fisherman*, and it was such a harrowing vision that he...

A priest dies...

And goes to heaven. There's a small queue to get in, and when he gets to be second in line, he overhears St. Peter asking some basic questions to the man in front of him, like what's your name/ occupation, and where are you from? They guy in front of the priest is wearing tight fitting, torn black c...

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