UPJOKE
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Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother…

Sudden Lee

Do you know why there are so many Chuck Norris jokes but not many Bruce Lee ones?

Because Bruce Lee is no joke.

I remember seeing Bruce Jenner on Wheaties boxes as a kid and wanting to be him.

Apparently he looked at Wheaties boxes and wanted to be Mary Lou Retton

Some girls at my gym were saying I was related to Bruce Lee.

I had to politely let them know I wasn’t, and my name isn’t Ugg, either.

My wife said she would leave me if I don't stop comparing everything to Bruce Willis movies, but you know what they say about old habits...

They Pulp Fiction.

Die Hard franchise is looking for a new lead actor now that Bruce Willis is retiring.

Apparently Jada Pinkett Smith is their preferred choice.

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Bruce is serving a life term in prison. After a decade or so, he gains a cellmate: Will.

After taking some time to size Will up and decide that he can trust him, Bruce tells Will about his plan to escape.


"You see," Bruce says, "for the past nine years, I've been training my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into its...

I painted half a picture of Bruce Lee & quit:

I'm a Partial Artist

Bruce Lee was fast

But his brother, Sudden, was faster.

What’s Bruce Buffer’s favourite herb?

Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit’s THYME

Die Hard producers just announced filming’s started on the 6th installment of Bruce Willis’ popular action franchise.

It’ll be called Get Hard or Die Trying

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What does Bruce Willis, a donkey with sunglasses on, and my ex have in common?

They’re all bad ass.

What does Bruce Lee order in Burger King?

WOPPAAAH!

Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger were discussing who they were going to play in the new Hollywood Blockbuster:

The Great Composers!
"I wanna be Beethoven," said Stallone.
"I gotta be Mozart," retorted Willis.
"What about you, Arnie?" they asked....

What’s donkey from shrek’s favorite Bruce Lee movie?

Enter the dragon

How do you call Bruce Lee's vegan cousin?

Broco Lee

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Why did bruce willis take a lethal amount of viagra?

he wanted to die hard

In bogan speak, Sheila= typical Aussie girl and Bruce= typical Aussie boy.

Sheila didn’t come home one night. When Bruce asked her where she'd been she said she spent the night at a girl friend's house. Bruce was a bit suspicious she'd been sleeping around so he rang her ten closest friends, but none of them had seen her. Next week Bruce didn't come home one night. Sheila ...

What's the secret ingredient in Bruce Buffer's spaghetti sauce?

iiiiiiit's Thyme!!!

Why does Bruce Lee get excited when he visits Texas?

Because that means he can eat at WA-TAAAAburger

What was Bruce Lee's favourite fruit?

Pa pa ya!

Did you hear about the new Bruce Willis movie?

Bruce Willis has to go undercover in a retirement home for nuns to stop a terrorist plot.

It's called "Old Habits Die Hard".

I met Bruce Lee's vegan brother today.

His name is Brocko Lee.

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Due to the recent cutbacks caused by the coronavirus Bruce was told he had to terminate one of his compliance managers.

Alice and Jack we're both exemplary employees and he honestly had no idea which one he would get rid of, but being an honest man he decided he'd speak to them both ahead of time thinking that it might help him make his decision. He called in Alice first and he said listen, I've either got to lay you...

Did you see the video of Bruce Lee fighting his long lost brother?

Man, it was Ug Lee.

Batman: "It's been a long day. Alfred, please fill up the bathtub."

Alfred: "Master Bruce, what's a htub?"

Where does Bruce Wayne go to defecate?

The bat-room!

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Steve Rogers: Bruce, aren't you worried about getting cancer from the Hulk's radiation?

Bruce Banner: That's my secret, Cap. *pulls out a horoscope* I'm already a Cancer.

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PS: I know, Bruce Banner is actually a Sagittarius. Don't @ me, bro.

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Sad news: Bruce Willis died from Viagra overdose

At least he Died Hard.

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Bruce Willis went shopping...

...and he overheard a fellow customer say, "Yipee-ki-yay!" Without thinking he yelled out, "Motherfucker!"

Customers gasped and stared at him, shocked.

He looked at the crowd of people and said, "Oh sorry, old habits...Die Hard."

What is Bruce Lee’s favorite drink?

Wah-taaaaaaaaaaa

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Bruce Lee

Everyone remembers him and his son Brandon Lee but people rarely talk about Barry Lee and seldom mention Vague Lee.

Bruce Lee was at a doctor's appointment, but an hour passed and the doctor still wasn't there. Bruce did not get up, leave, or complain. Instead he stayed sitting in his seat.

He was waiting patient Lee.

BRUCE WAYNE: I won't do it

**ALFRED:** Sir, you have to sing along or it'll look suspicious

**CHOIR:** *Jingle bells...*

**BRUCE: [choking back tears]** ...Batman smells

What kind of jokes does Bruce Lee tell?

One-inch puns.

Bruce Willis has admitted to making an "error of judgement" after reportedly being asked to leave a Los Angeles store for refusing to wear a face mask. Apparently, he wasn't even aware of the effects of his actions until a young boy walked up to him and said...

"I see dead people."

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What did Bruce Jenner tell Kris Jenner on their wedding night ?

I want your sex.

What do you call Bruce Lee pulling a Radio Flyer?

Enter the wagon.

Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone, and Arnold Schwarzenegger are all hired to do movies about the big three classical music composers. The director gives them the choice on who they play.

Bruce shrugs and says, "I guess I'll be Beethoven".

Stallone thinks for a minute and says, "Eh, I'll be Mozart then."

Everyone then turns to Arnold who looks down with a sigh, "I'll be Bach".

What does Bruce Wayne take with his drink?

Just ice.

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Reported to Bruce Forsyths favourite.

Husband and wife are chatting over breakfast
Husband "They guys in the pub last night were talking about our randy Postman. They reckon he's had sex with every woman in our street, except one"
Wife pauses for a moment :" Probably that stuck up cow at number 27"

Bruce Willis has been cast to play the lead role in the upcoming Lord of the Rings sequel.

Old Hobbits Die Hard.

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Did you hear about The Incredible Hulk taking Viagra!?

NSFW:

I figure, since the same jokes are on repeat in this Reddit, again and again, I would throw out a freshly created one.

Apparently, now that the Hulk has been taking Viagra, his catch phrase has become:

"Don't make me horny. You wouldn't like me when I'm horny", whe...

Bruce had a motto: "Never ask a lady's age"

That's why he's under arrest now and his bar got closed.

#299: Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Bruce Willis get together at a bar and have drinks.

After catching up, Stallone says, "I think we should make a movie with all of us."

Bruce Willis says, "That's a great idea, but I'm tired of action movies. How about we make a movie about classical composers?"

Stallone says, "I like that idea, Bruce. I can be Mozart and you can be Beet...

If Bruce Wayne overcame his fear of bats by becoming his phobia...

why am I still afraid of failure?

Bruce Lee had a cousin who used to get beaten up a lot...

He was known as Bruise Lee.

What's the name of Bruce Lee's vegetarian cousin?

BrocoLee

How much would you pay to watch James Bond's secretary and Bruce Wayne's Butler team up for a Spy Action Thriller?

However much, you can bet you'd get your MoneysWorth.

Steve, Bruce and Jed are working on a telephone tower, when Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."


Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."


Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.


Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?"
...

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Bruce Willis passes away from a Viagra overdose on 4/20/2069

He picked a good day to die hard

Bruce Wayne became a surgeon.

Whenever he carried out a surgery, he always asked the nurses to turn the lights off. This was extremely dangerous and unusual, so the nurses asked him why.
He said, "I operate in the shadows"

What would Bruce Forsyth think of all this coronavirus lockdown eh?

Nice 2 metre 2 metre nice.

Considering what Bruce Wayne and Tony Stark did with their money,

Bill Gates should be ashamed of himself.

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BREAKING NEWS: Bruce Willis found dead surrounded by 70 empty Viagra bottles.

Looks like he...died hard.

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Bruce Banner is the greatest cock blocker ever known.

Let Hulk smash!

So Iron Man and Bruce Banner walk into a bar.

They both grab a stool at the bar and start slamming shots. Tony, a notorious alcoholic, maintains his composure.

He turns over to Bruce as he hits more back. He sees Bruce getting tipsy and a bit green.

Tony: "You okay there?"

Hulk: "Hulk smashed!"

So, last semester I met this guy in my business class

He was cool & an international student. His name was Ving and was from China. His English was really good for a second language, better than I could ever be learning a second language. We’d often hang out and I show him the sites and tourist destinations in my city. He's much cooler as well as b...

Everyone knows of famous martial artist, Bruce Lee

He also had a brother, the revolutionary vegan activist, Brocco Lee

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A cab driver picks up a Nun...

The driver looks in the rear view mirror and says, "Excuse me sister, I've always fantasised about having sex with a nun."

The nun replies, "Yeah, you and everyone else. Tell me are you a Catholic?"

"Actually I am" says the cabbie.

The nun then climbs into the front seat and giv...

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"So did you hear Bruce Willis passed away?"

"Really? How?"

"Suicide. Overdosed on Viagra and Cialis."

"That's terrible!"

"Well, he always wanted to Die Hard."

Why is Bruce Lee so good at telling jokes?

Because if his punch line doesn't work, you still get a kick out of it.

What was Bruce Lee's beverage of choice?

WAH-TAH!

Three Shops

A mall manager has three spaces to rent, all in a row. A prospective lessee by the name of Bruce shows up and says he wants to rent the space on the left for a men's wear shop.

"That's fine," the mall manager says. "You get free signage; what do you want on the sign?"

"Men's Wear," say...

If Bruce Jenner was a superhero...

Would he be a ‘X-Men’ or a ‘Transformer’?

Why did Bruce Lee's brother Earl make it to work before his shift began?

Because he's Earl Lee!

What do you call Bruce Banner when he is grumpy?

The Incredible Sulk

Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone are planning a costume party

and the theme is composers. Bruce tells the other stars, "I'll dress up as Mozart". Sylvester responds, "I'd be a great Beethoven". As the two are planning their costumes, Arnold checks the time and notices he's late for an appointment. As he hurries out the door, Bruce and Stallone ask "Hey, Arnol...

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Good Sport...

Bruce is driving over Harbor Bridge one day listening to some music in his car and just having a really great day. Suddenly he notices his girlfriend Sheila standing on the side of the bridge.
Bruce slams on the brakes, bolts out of the car and shouts, "Sheila! What the hell are you doing, babe...

Why did Bruce Jenner become a woman?

Why did Bruce Jenner become a woman?

Because he was tired of being guilty until proven innocent.

What does a trebuchet in a convent and Bruce Lee have in common?

They're both nunchuckers.




Yes lame but it's OC

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[Long] Bruce Buffer invites Joe Rogan and Dana White over for dinner...

On their way to Bruce’s house, Dana says “Joe, you’re gonna fuckin’ love Bruce’s cooking. This guy is the best, he could start his own restaurant. But hey, I’ve got to warn you - *do not* ask him how he cooks the food.”

Joe agrees, but thinks to himself *Well fuck, now I really wanna know...*...

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Bruce and a Rich Man

A rather stupid, but rich man was on a luxury cruise when he met a French man named Bruce.
Bruce seemed to be quite popular on the cruise ship, as he had made a name for himself as a diver. It got to the point where he was just referred to as Bruce Diver. He would often tell people about wh...

After many years of fighting crime as batman

Bruce Wayne finally got married and had a son. His son turned out to be brilliant at investing, especially in bitcoin, making Wayne Enterprises one of the biggest companies on the planet.

All this time, Bruce had been training him, and when the time was right, Bruce introduced his son to the ...

Lil Bruce Wayne, he played little league baseball...

He was the batboy.

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If Bruce Wayne was a millennial...

*after the well incident*

Thomas : Why do we fall, Bruce?

Bruce (mumbles): Running a billion dollar empire focused on science, don't know what fucking gravity is. Great!!

If you understand how Bruce Lee felt while stoned and reaching nirvana...

You'd be in a high Lee enlightened position

Bruce the Aussie

Bruce the Aussie bloke walks into a dusty old bar deep in the outback. To everyone's surprise he has a five meter salty -- a crocodile -- on a leash.

"Roit!" he exclaims. "I'll bet everyone here that I can have my mate here" -- gesturing to the crocodile -- "clamp down on my donger for a fu...

You know how Gotham citizens are going to be able to tell Bruce Wayne is Batman in the upcoming movie?

Because during the day he’ll sparkle.

What did Bruce Wayne say when Wayne enterprises was dying?

My business is wayne-ing.

What does Bruce from Jaws put on his toast?

Buh-tah. Buh-tah. Buh-tah tah-tah

What's the difference between a Bruce Willis movie and a morgue?

Icy dead people.

Why hasn't anyone seen Bruce Jenner in years?

Because he's transparent.

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I am like the Bruce lee of sex. No I am not amazingly handsome and highly skilled and charismatic,

but I will knock the wind out of your body with my 1 inch punch.

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