UPJOKE
howardrobert ikingdoctordavidthompsonevansjenkinsstevesnyderellisrogerslarryrichardsdavis

Bruce Jokes

Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother…

Sudden Lee

What is Bruce Lee’s favorite drink?

What is Bruce Lee’s favorite drink?


WAAAATAAAA!!!!

(Gotta say it is loud kung foo fighting noise). It’s a winner every time.

If I were Bruce Banner’s son, the Incredible Hulk wouldn’t exist

“I’m not angry…I’m just disappointed”

Did you hear about Bruce Banner losing his temper at the Avengers' pool party?

He made a Hulk Splash

Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother

Sudden Lee

Do you know why there are so many Chuck Norris jokes but not many Bruce Lee ones?

Because Bruce Lee is no joke.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Life Lessons in the Outback

Bruce has been lost in the Australian Outback for three days and the combination of heat, exhaustion and thirst is close to killing him.

Unable to take another step, he collapses face first in the dirt, ready to meet his maker.

Unexpectedly he wakes to find himself staring into the fac...

My wife said she would leave me if I don't stop comparing everything to Bruce Willis movies, but you know what they say about old habits...

They Pulp Fiction.

Ghost taxi

A modern day ghost story

Bill was on the side of the road hitch-hiking on a very DARK NIGHT and in the midst of a FIERCE rain storm.

The night was rolling on, and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few meters ahead of him.

Suddenly through the swirling...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bruce is serving a life term in prison. After a decade or so, he gains a cellmate: Will.

After taking some time to size Will up and decide that he can trust him, Bruce tells Will about his plan to escape.


"You see," Bruce says, "for the past nine years, I've been training my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into its...

I remember seeing Bruce Jenner on Wheaties boxes as a kid and wanting to be him.

Apparently he looked at Wheaties boxes and wanted to be Mary Lou Retton

Some girls at my gym were saying I was related to Bruce Lee.

I had to politely let them know I wasn’t, and my name isn’t Ugg, either.

Die Hard franchise is looking for a new lead actor now that Bruce Willis is retiring.

Apparently Jada Pinkett Smith is their preferred choice.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dex: Wife and me fuck like rabbits every night.

Ter: You lucky bastard. Only get it once a month and I call it the bruce lee night.

Dex: Why the fuck do you call it that for?

Ter: Because it’s the night I enter the dragon

I painted half a picture of Bruce Lee & quit:

I'm a Partial Artist

What’s Bruce Buffer’s favourite herb?

Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit’s THYME

What does Bruce Lee order in Burger King?

WOPPAAAH!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does Bruce Willis, a donkey with sunglasses on, and my ex have in common?

They’re all bad ass.

Die Hard producers just announced filming’s started on the 6th installment of Bruce Willis’ popular action franchise.

It’ll be called Get Hard or Die Trying

I met Bruce Lee's vegan brother today.

His name is Brocko Lee.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did bruce willis take a lethal amount of viagra?

he wanted to die hard

What’s donkey from shrek’s favorite Bruce Lee movie?

Enter the dragon

Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger were discussing who they were going to play in the new Hollywood Blockbuster:

The Great Composers!
"I wanna be Beethoven," said Stallone.
"I gotta be Mozart," retorted Willis.
"What about you, Arnie?" they asked....

In bogan speak, Sheila= typical Aussie girl and Bruce= typical Aussie boy.

Sheila didn’t come home one night. When Bruce asked her where she'd been she said she spent the night at a girl friend's house. Bruce was a bit suspicious she'd been sleeping around so he rang her ten closest friends, but none of them had seen her. Next week Bruce didn't come home one night. Sheila ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Due to the recent cutbacks caused by the coronavirus Bruce was told he had to terminate one of his compliance managers.

Alice and Jack we're both exemplary employees and he honestly had no idea which one he would get rid of, but being an honest man he decided he'd speak to them both ahead of time thinking that it might help him make his decision. He called in Alice first and he said listen, I've either got to lay you...

Why does Bruce Lee get excited when he visits Texas?

Because that means he can eat at WA-TAAAAburger

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bruce Willis went shopping...

...and he overheard a fellow customer say, "Yipee-ki-yay!" Without thinking he yelled out, "Motherfucker!"

Customers gasped and stared at him, shocked.

He looked at the crowd of people and said, "Oh sorry, old habits...Die Hard."

Did you hear about the new Bruce Willis movie?

Bruce Willis has to go undercover in a retirement home for nuns to stop a terrorist plot.

It's called "Old Habits Die Hard".

What's the secret ingredient in Bruce Buffer's spaghetti sauce?

iiiiiiit's Thyme!!!

What was Bruce Lee's favourite fruit?

Pa pa ya!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sad news: Bruce Willis died from Viagra overdose

At least he Died Hard.

Bruce Lee was at a doctor's appointment, but an hour passed and the doctor still wasn't there. Bruce did not get up, leave, or complain. Instead he stayed sitting in his seat.

He was waiting patient Lee.

Where does Bruce Wayne go to defecate?

The bat-room!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Steve Rogers: Bruce, aren't you worried about getting cancer from the Hulk's radiation?

Bruce Banner: That's my secret, Cap. *pulls out a horoscope* I'm already a Cancer.

---
---
---

PS: I know, Bruce Banner is actually a Sagittarius. Don't @ me, bro.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bruce Lee

Everyone remembers him and his son Brandon Lee but people rarely talk about Barry Lee and seldom mention Vague Lee.

What is Bruce Lee’s favorite drink?

Wah-taaaaaaaaaaa

Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone, and Arnold Schwarzenegger are all hired to do movies about the big three classical music composers. The director gives them the choice on who they play.

Bruce shrugs and says, "I guess I'll be Beethoven".

Stallone thinks for a minute and says, "Eh, I'll be Mozart then."

Everyone then turns to Arnold who looks down with a sigh, "I'll be Bach".

Batman: "It's been a long day. Alfred, please fill up the bathtub."

Alfred: "Master Bruce, what's a htub?"

BRUCE WAYNE: I won't do it

**ALFRED:** Sir, you have to sing along or it'll look suspicious

**CHOIR:** *Jingle bells...*

**BRUCE: [choking back tears]** ...Batman smells

What kind of jokes does Bruce Lee tell?

One-inch puns.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did Bruce Jenner tell Kris Jenner on their wedding night ?

I want your sex.

Rumor has it Bruce Lee once owned a pet bear

Its name was Grizz Lee!

Bruce Willis has admitted to making an "error of judgement" after reportedly being asked to leave a Los Angeles store for refusing to wear a face mask. Apparently, he wasn't even aware of the effects of his actions until a young boy walked up to him and said...

"I see dead people."

What do you call Bruce Lee pulling a Radio Flyer?

Enter the wagon.

What does Bruce Wayne take with his drink?

Just ice.

If Bruce Wayne overcame his fear of bats by becoming his phobia...

why am I still afraid of failure?

#299: Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Bruce Willis get together at a bar and have drinks.

After catching up, Stallone says, "I think we should make a movie with all of us."

Bruce Willis says, "That's a great idea, but I'm tired of action movies. How about we make a movie about classical composers?"

Stallone says, "I like that idea, Bruce. I can be Mozart and you can be Beet...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

New Die Hard Trilogy. Bruce Willis goes undercover, as a nun.

#####First movie:
Old Habits: Die Hard

#####Second movie:
Die Hard: Second To Nun

It took me 3 years to get the perfect name for that fucking sequel. Pls respect my time to let the third speak to me. NO SUGGESTIONS. Nun.

Bruce Willis has been cast to play the lead role in the upcoming Lord of the Rings sequel.

Old Hobbits Die Hard.

What's the name of Bruce Lee's vegetarian cousin?

BrocoLee

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Reported to Bruce Forsyths favourite.

Husband and wife are chatting over breakfast
Husband "They guys in the pub last night were talking about our randy Postman. They reckon he's had sex with every woman in our street, except one"
Wife pauses for a moment :" Probably that stuck up cow at number 27"

Steve, Bruce and Jed are working on a telephone tower, when Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."


Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."


Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.


Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?"
...

Bruce had a motto: "Never ask a lady's age"

That's why he's under arrest now and his bar got closed.

How much would you pay to watch James Bond's secretary and Bruce Wayne's Butler team up for a Spy Action Thriller?

However much, you can bet you'd get your MoneysWorth.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bruce Willis passes away from a Viagra overdose on 4/20/2069

He picked a good day to die hard

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

BREAKING NEWS: Bruce Willis found dead surrounded by 70 empty Viagra bottles.

Looks like he...died hard.

Considering what Bruce Wayne and Tony Stark did with their money,

Bill Gates should be ashamed of himself.

Bruce Lee had a cousin who used to get beaten up a lot...

He was known as Bruise Lee.

Why is Bruce Lee so good at telling jokes?

Because if his punch line doesn't work, you still get a kick out of it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bruce Banner is the greatest cock blocker ever known.

Let Hulk smash!

What would Bruce Forsyth think of all this coronavirus lockdown eh?

Nice 2 metre 2 metre nice.

Bruce Wayne became a surgeon.

Whenever he carried out a surgery, he always asked the nurses to turn the lights off. This was extremely dangerous and unusual, so the nurses asked him why.
He said, "I operate in the shadows"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"So did you hear Bruce Willis passed away?"

"Really? How?"

"Suicide. Overdosed on Viagra and Cialis."

"That's terrible!"

"Well, he always wanted to Die Hard."

So Iron Man and Bruce Banner walk into a bar.

They both grab a stool at the bar and start slamming shots. Tony, a notorious alcoholic, maintains his composure.

He turns over to Bruce as he hits more back. He sees Bruce getting tipsy and a bit green.

Tony: "You okay there?"

Hulk: "Hulk smashed!"

What was Bruce Lee's beverage of choice?

WAH-TAH!

If Bruce Jenner was a superhero...

Would he be a ‘X-Men’ or a ‘Transformer’?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bruce is driving over a bridge.

Bruce is driving over a bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend, Sheila, about to throw herself off. Bruce slams on the brakes and yells, “Sheila, what the hell do you think you’re doing?”

Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says, “Good-bye, Bruce. You got me pregnant and now I...

Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone are planning a costume party

and the theme is composers. Bruce tells the other stars, "I'll dress up as Mozart". Sylvester responds, "I'd be a great Beethoven". As the two are planning their costumes, Arnold checks the time and notices he's late for an appointment. As he hurries out the door, Bruce and Stallone ask "Hey, Arnol...

Everyone knows of famous martial artist, Bruce Lee

He also had a brother, the revolutionary vegan activist, Brocco Lee

Why did Bruce Jenner become a woman?

Why did Bruce Jenner become a woman?

Because he was tired of being guilty until proven innocent.

Why did Bruce Lee's brother Earl make it to work before his shift began?

Because he's Earl Lee!

Bruce the Aussie

Bruce the Aussie bloke walks into a dusty old bar deep in the outback. To everyone's surprise he has a five meter salty -- a crocodile -- on a leash.

"Roit!" he exclaims. "I'll bet everyone here that I can have my mate here" -- gesturing to the crocodile -- "clamp down on my donger for a fu...

What do you call Bruce Banner when he is grumpy?

The Incredible Sulk

What does a trebuchet in a convent and Bruce Lee have in common?

They're both nunchuckers.




Yes lame but it's OC

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Long] Bruce Buffer invites Joe Rogan and Dana White over for dinner...

On their way to Bruce’s house, Dana says “Joe, you’re gonna fuckin’ love Bruce’s cooking. This guy is the best, he could start his own restaurant. But hey, I’ve got to warn you - *do not* ask him how he cooks the food.”

Joe agrees, but thinks to himself *Well fuck, now I really wanna know...*...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bruce and a Rich Man

A rather stupid, but rich man was on a luxury cruise when he met a French man named Bruce.
Bruce seemed to be quite popular on the cruise ship, as he had made a name for himself as a diver. It got to the point where he was just referred to as Bruce Diver. He would often tell people about wh...

What did Bruce Wayne say when Wayne enterprises was dying?

My business is wayne-ing.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.