Stewart Jokes

It worked all right at first, but the plastic edge got dull right away. The first cut was the deepest.

This year we are going to have a traditional Thanksgiving at our house.

We are going to invite the neighbors over for a huge feast, and then kill them and take their land.

\-Jon Stewart

to avoid suspicion of in-cider trading

When Patrick Stewart was a small boy, he had a third ear growing on his forehead. Apparently it's a very very rare condition. So to make things worse, no matter how many surgeries he had, it always grew back.

So finally his parents go a hold of a surgeon in Manchester, who said that not only ... read more

Arthur turns to the group and asks "hey, you guys ever wonder about what it would be like to have arms and legs?"

The clone slammed me into a wall and lifted me by the neck. What could I do? I’d been hoisted by my own Picard.

What he’s doing round my house I don’t know.

N gauge

It will be called "Geria-Trek."

And it is still a better love story than Twilight.

Martha Stewart teaches cooks and NASA cooks teachers

Some friends like to call me Pete.

But I hate it when we're all get together coz then they call me Stu Pete.

(OC, but English is not my first language).

A squeek-easy

Because just when the world needed him most, he vanished.

Captains log

Engage.

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.

JOHN McCAIN: My friends, the... read more

Kneel, Patrick Stewart.

"Cooking: The Books"

Sincerely,
Tony Stewart's PR Team

When was the last time Barack Obama, Paul Ryan, Jon Stewart, Glenn Beck, Bernie Sanders, George Bush, Elizabeth Warren, Mitt Romney, Bill Clinton, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Al Gore, John McCain, and Hillary Clinton all agreed on anything?

How do I know? Well let's just say a little bird told me.

(Joke credit goes to Stewart Francis)

And to make it worse, his mom was always on his case about getting out and making something of himself. One day, sick of her nagging, he answered a help wanted ad.

“So you think you have what it takes to be a Repo man, Todd?” the interviewer asked.

“Sure, man. I got this.”

But T... read more

Stewart is.

Who am I to disagree? I've traveled the world now I'm quarantined, Every virus is looking for someone...

(Apologies to Annie Lennox and Dave Stewart)

He lives just a stone's throw away


Credit to Stewart Francis

The Rod Stewart

Stewart.

Stewart went on vacation and asked Jim to watch over his house. About a week later, Stewart calls home and asked "How's my cat?" Jim hesitated and sadly told Stewart his cat died. "What?! You shouldn't have broken the news to me like that! You should have done it slowly. The first time I called, you... read more

Oui.

Courtesy of Stewart Francis.

Well, just call me a monkey's uncle....

Credit to Stewart Francis

I am appealing


(-Stewart Francis)

and is admiring her dead husband's body in the casket.

"Oh Mr. Graham, you've done such a lovely job with my dear Timothy. He really does look comfortable. At peace even. But one thing?"

"Yes Mrs. Stewart?"

"Would you please put him in his black suit? He always preferred it."... read more

Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night. The doctor was called in to assist in the delivery.

To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the wor... read more