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I lost my pizza cutter so I tried to use an old Rod Stewart CD instead.

It worked all right at first, but the plastic edge got dull right away. The first cut was the deepest.

Why do apples avoid being seen with Martha Stewart?

to avoid suspicion of in-cider trading

What's Patrick Stewart's favourite scale of train?

N gauge

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you make Martha Stewart scream twice?

Bang her in the butt then use the curtains to clean yourself off.

When Martha Stewart cooks it’s homemade...

When Kim Kardashian cooks it’s hoe-made.

I just watched A Christmas Carol with Patrick Stewart.

What he’s doing round my house I don’t know.

What's the difference between Martha Stewart and NASA??

Martha Stewart teaches cooks and NASA cooks teachers

I learned something really cool today.

When Patrick Stewart was a small boy, he had a third ear growing on his forehead. Apparently it's a very very rare condition. So to make things worse, no matter how many surgeries he had, it always grew back.

So finally his parents go a hold of a surgeon in Manchester, who said that not only ...

I made a clone of Patrick Stewart but something went terribly wrong.

The clone slammed me into a wall and lifted me by the neck. What could I do? I’d been hoisted by my own Picard.

Is Jon Stewart the Last Airbender?

Because just when the world needed him most, he vanished.

(Oc) What is Stewart Little's favorite place to drink?

A squeek-easy

What does Patrick Stewart use to keep the fire going?

Captains log

Did you see that the actress Kristen Stewart just coauthored a paper on artificial intelligence?

And it is still a better love story than Twilight.

The inventor of ibuprofen, Stewart Adams, died today at 95 years old.

The priest got up to present the eulogy NSAID he was a lovely bloke.

(OC) My name is Stewart Peter. Some friends like to call me Stu

Some friends like to call me Pete.

But I hate it when we're all get together coz then they call me Stu Pete.

(OC, but English is not my first language).

What is the title of Martha Stewart's culinary anthology?

"Cooking: The Books"

What did Patrick Stewart say when he proposed to his wife?

Engage.

What did renowned Little Shop of Horrors fan, Queen Elizabeth, say to Patrick Stewart at his knighting ceremony?

Kneel, Patrick Stewart.

A traditional Thanksgiving...

This year we are going to have a traditional Thanksgiving at our house.

We are going to invite the neighbors over for a huge feast, and then kill them and take their land.

\-Jon Stewart

The company that makes the Opera browser have asked Sir Patrick Stewart to redesign their logo

They want him to make its O.

Patrick Stewart is talking about a new Stsr Trek show he will be in. There will be a disease or attack that wipes out all officers of a certain age, leaving Starfleet without any captains. So they bring in retired admirals to captain the ships.

It will be called "Geria-Trek."

Press Release: "Big thank you to Adrian Peterson and Ray Rice"

Sincerely,
Tony Stewart's PR Team

On the Roof

Stewart went on vacation and asked Jim to watch over his house. About a week later, Stewart calls home and asked "How's my cat?" Jim hesitated and sadly told Stewart his cat died. "What?! You shouldn't have broken the news to me like that! You should have done it slowly. The first time I called, you...

Donald Trump is the most unifying voice in American politics.

When was the last time Barack Obama, Paul Ryan, Jon Stewart, Glenn Beck, Bernie Sanders, George Bush, Elizabeth Warren, Mitt Romney, Bill Clinton, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Al Gore, John McCain, and Hillary Clinton all agreed on anything?

Who is the new flight attendant?

Stewart is.

My Doctor thinks I'm taking hallucinogenic drugs

How do I know? Well let's just say a little bird told me.

(Joke credit goes to Stewart Francis)

Disease are made of these...

Who am I to disagree? I've traveled the world now I'm quarantined, Every virus is looking for someone...

(Apologies to Annie Lennox and Dave Stewart)

When rich people go fishing, who hands them their fishing poles?

The Rod Stewart

My neighbour holds the world record for most concussions...

He lives just a stone's throw away


Credit to Stewart Francis

What do you call an artist who loves making stew?

Stewart.

A grieving widow is speaking to a funeral director...

and is admiring her dead husband's body in the casket.

"Oh Mr. Graham, you've done such a lovely job with my dear Timothy. He really does look comfortable. At peace even. But one thing?"

"Yes Mrs. Stewart?"

"Would you please put him in his black suit? He always preferred it."...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

Joe Biden:...

Was my French teacher into golden showers?

Oui.

Courtesy of Stewart Francis.

I found out the other day my sister was arrested for bestiality

Well, just call me a monkey's uncle....

Credit to Stewart Francis

Recently in court, I was found guilty of being egotistical

I am appealing


(-Stewart Francis)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"I just deleted all the German names off my phone."

***"It's Hans free"***

*Funniest joke at this years Fringe by Darren Walsh.*

**The rest of the top ten.**

2 -"Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse ... but enough about Kanye West" - Stewart Francis

3 - "Surely every car is a people carrier?" - Adam Hess

4 - "...

An Arkansas delivary

Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night. The doctor was called in to assist in the delivery.

To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the wor...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jews will be celebrating Passover soon...

...to commemorate the day John Stewart was passed over for the spot on the late show.

My parents are mixed raced.

My Dad prefers the 100 meters, and my mother is Pakistani.

~ Stewart Francis.

Todd was dirt broke, no skills, and not the brightest bulb in the light-shop.

And to make it worse, his mom was always on his case about getting out and making something of himself. One day, sick of her nagging, he answered a help wanted ad.

“So you think you have what it takes to be a Repo man, Todd?” the interviewer asked.

“Sure, man. I got this.”

But T...

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