I made a clone of Patrick Stewart but something went terribly wrong.

The clone slammed me into a wall and lifted me by the neck. What could I do? I’d been hoisted by my own Picard.

What's Patrick Stewart's favourite scale of train?

N gauge

Did you see that the actress Kristen Stewart just coauthored a paper on artificial intelligence?

And it is still a better love story than Twilight.

Stewart, Bobby, Matthew and Arthur are all hanging out at Bobby's place.

Arthur turns to the group and asks "hey, you guys ever wonder about what it would be like to have arms and legs?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you make Martha Stewart scream twice?

Bang her in the butt then use the curtains to clean yourself off.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.


Joe ...

I just watched A Christmas Carol with Patrick Stewart.

What he’s doing round my house I don’t know.

What's the difference between Martha Stewart and NASA??

Martha Stewart teaches cooks and NASA cooks teachers

Patrick Stewart is talking about a new Stsr Trek show he will be in. There will be a disease or attack that wipes out all officers of a certain age, leaving Starfleet without any captains. So they bring in retired admirals to captain the ships.

It will be called "Geria-Trek."

(OC) My name is Stewart Peter. Some friends like to call me Stu

Some friends like to call me Pete.

But I hate it when we're all get together coz then they call me Stu Pete.

(OC, but English is not my first language).

What does Patrick Stewart use to keep the fire going?

Captains log

Who is the new flight attendant?

Stewart is.

My Doctor thinks I'm taking hallucinogenic drugs

How do I know? Well let's just say a little bird told me.

(Joke credit goes to Stewart Francis)

Disease are made of these...

Who am I to disagree? I've traveled the world now I'm quarantined, Every virus is looking for someone...

(Apologies to Annie Lennox and Dave Stewart)

Is Jon Stewart the Last Airbender?

Because just when the world needed him most, he vanished.

What did renowned Little Shop of Horrors fan, Queen Elizabeth, say to Patrick Stewart at his knighting ceremony?

Kneel, Patrick Stewart.

What is the title of Martha Stewart's culinary anthology?

"Cooking: The Books"

What did Patrick Stewart say when he proposed to his wife?

Engage.

A Park Ranger is patrolling one day

When he passes what appears to be a young fisherman carrying 5 fish in a bucket.

"Excuse me sir! You can't fish here. This is a National Park and all species are protected. I am going to have to take you to the Ranger Station."

"But sir, I didn't catch these fish here. These are my pe...

The company that makes the Opera browser have asked Sir Patrick Stewart to redesign their logo

They want him to make its O.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once lived a great detective...

There once lived a great detective named Stewart. He was the best detective of his time. But he was no ordinary detective. He could solve every case he encountered with the help of the magical powers bestowed to him by a fairy.

The fairy gave him the power to gain insight on any case by think...

Todd was dirt broke, no skills, and not the brightest bulb in the light-shop.

And to make it worse, his mom was always on his case about getting out and making something of himself. One day, sick of her nagging, he answered a help wanted ad.

“So you think you have what it takes to be a Repo man, Todd?” the interviewer asked.

“Sure, man. I got this.”

But T...

My neighbour holds the world record for most concussions...

He lives just a stone's throw away


Credit to Stewart Francis

When rich people go fishing, who hands them their fishing poles?

The Rod Stewart

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"I just deleted all the German names off my phone."

***"It's Hans free"***

*Funniest joke at this years Fringe by Darren Walsh.*

**The rest of the top ten.**

2 -"Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse ... but enough about Kanye West" - Stewart Francis

3 - "Surely every car is a people carrier?" - Adam Hess

4 - "...

Donald Trump is the most unifying voice in American politics.

When was the last time Barack Obama, Paul Ryan, Jon Stewart, Glenn Beck, Bernie Sanders, George Bush, Elizabeth Warren, Mitt Romney, Bill Clinton, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Al Gore, John McCain, and Hillary Clinton all agreed on anything?

What do you call an artist who loves making stew?

Stewart.

On the Roof

Stewart went on vacation and asked Jim to watch over his house. About a week later, Stewart calls home and asked "How's my cat?" Jim hesitated and sadly told Stewart his cat died. "What?! You shouldn't have broken the news to me like that! You should have done it slowly. The first time I called, you...

I found out the other day my sister was arrested for bestiality

Well, just call me a monkey's uncle....

Credit to Stewart Francis

Was my French teacher into golden showers?

Oui.

Courtesy of Stewart Francis.

Recently in court, I was found guilty of being egotistical

I am appealing


(-Stewart Francis)

A grieving widow is speaking to a funeral director...

and is admiring her dead husband's body in the casket.

"Oh Mr. Graham, you've done such a lovely job with my dear Timothy. He really does look comfortable. At peace even. But one thing?"

"Yes Mrs. Stewart?"

"Would you please put him in his black suit? He always preferred it."...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jews will be celebrating Passover soon...

...to commemorate the day John Stewart was passed over for the spot on the late show.

My parents are mixed raced.

My Dad prefers the 100 meters, and my mother is Pakistani.

~ Stewart Francis.

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