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Anderson Jokes

Why was Louie Anderson clutching a fork when he died?

He heard they have Meat Loaf in heaven.

What's Pamela Andersons favorite soda?

Hepsi!

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Free Sex w every fill up.

There was this gas station in Anderson, SC trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up."

Soon Bubba pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, and if he guessed correctly, he would g...

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Convincing your girlfriend she's crazy or paranoid is called gaslighting, and it's a dick move.

But convincing her she's a robot with artificial implanted human emotions is called bladerunning. It's a Phillip K. Dick move.



Edit: Source > Nathan Anderson

via /u/GoodLordigans

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What do you call the space between Pamela Anderson's breasts?

Silicon Valley.

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Pamela Anderson and Queen Elizabeth die on the same day... (one of my dad's favorites)

Saint Peter meets them at the Pearly Gates and says, "I'm sorry ladies, but I only have room for one of you. Prove to me that you're the best candidate for Heaven." Pam, thinking this one's in the bag, flashes Saint Peter her tits. "Very nice, Pam", he says. Queen Elizabeth, thinking for a momen...

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Pamela Anderson goes to see her plastic surgeon

And asks him if he can be discrete about a surgery.

Of course, he replies, you've been a great client and your privacy is top priority.

She continues, it's just that this next alteration is a bit embarrassing, you see, as I'm aging, things seam to droop and get loose etc, and, well, my...

Whenever she was asked her name, a little girl told people, “I’m Mr. Anderson’s daughter.”

Her mother told her this was wrong. Instead, she must say, "I'm Sarah Anderson."

At the grocery store she was approached by a friend of her fathers. He asked, "Aren't you Mr. Anderson’s daughter?"

Sarah replied, "I thought I was, but my mother says I'm not."

Mike Anderson was in the hospital...

He knows that his end is imminent, so he gathers his family:

His wife, his daughter and both of his sons.
He also asks for a nurse, two witnesses and his last will to be recorded.

 


Then he starts speaking:
"Brian, my oldest son, I want you to get castle ave...

Where did mr Anderson go? Did he travel with Scandinavian Airlines?

No, he vanished into Finnair

Last night I woke up with Pamela Anderson and Naomi Campbell in my bed

I let out a sigh, got up and taped the posters back to the wall.

Gillian Anderson of the x files just lost custody of her 12 year old boy following a long legal battle.

She is now Gillian Withouterson.

some goods news and some bad news.

a patient went into the doctor's office for his physical. when the patient asked how his health was, the doctor replied "well, i have some good news and some bad news". ever the optimist, the patient said "give me the good news first". the doctor smiled and said "well, the good news is that you are ...

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A woman is cooking dinner and her husband walks in the door, shaking his head and laughing...

"You'll never believe the bullshit I heard at work today. Bill Jenkins was bragging that he's fucked every woman on our street but one."

His wife smirks, stirring the gravy. "I bet it's that snooty old Cathy Anderson."

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

JOE BIDEN:...

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Of course trump will challenge the results. He will not take no for an answer.

Just ask Ivana trump, Jill hearth, Jean carrol, summer zervos, alva Johnson, Jessica leeds, Kristen Anderson, Lisa boyne, Cathy heller, temple McDowell, Amy dorris, Karena Virginia, karen Johnson, mindy mcgillivary, Jennifer Murphy, Rachael crooks, Natasha stoynoff, juillet huddy, Jessica drake, nin...

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A teenaged farmboy is tending to his family's cattle

When his father comes out to the pasture. He says, 'Son, another family in town is paying us to breed more cattle for 'em. Take our three largest heifers over to their farm where their breeding bull is waiting.'
The son dutifully walks the mile or so with their three cows over to the Anderson far...

So Jimmy, say I have 5 birds sitting on a porch...

Teacher says to Jimmy:

"So Jimmy, say I have 5 birds sitting on a porch and I knock one down with a stone, how many birds will be left on the porch?"
"None, Ms. Anderson. Once I knock the first one, all the others will be flying away"
"No Jimmy, the correct answer was 4, but I do ...

We’ve been watching so much CNN that

My kid thinks Anderson Cooper, Jake Tapper, Wolf Blitzer and John King are the founding fathers.

Anything can be comic and anything can be tragic -- that's my big point right there.

I don't think anybody in this room thinks it's funny when a child is decapitated by an airbag. But wouldn't it be a little bit funny if, for 15 minutes before that, the kid was going, 'Mommy, I want a balloon! Get me a balloon! Mommy, I want a balloon!'

KP Anderson

A woman whose husband had entered the Navy, gave the pastor of her church a note just as he was mounting to the pulpit one Sunday morning.

The note said “John Anderson, having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety.”
The minister in haste picked up the slip and read aloud,
“John Anderson having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safely”.

Mr. Johnson was playing in his frontyard with his fav grandson Toby when he saw Toby's teacher approaching

Mr. Johnson : "Toby go hide now, boy. It's your teacher. Aren't you skipping school?"

Toby : "Oh no! You go hide grandpa! Quick! Now!"

Mr. Johnson "Why should I? You're the one skipping school here!"

Toby : "That's the problem, grandpa. I told Mr. Anderson you died this morning....

The importance of never being late

A priest celebrates his 25th anniversary as head of a small congregation in a small village in rural America. The mayor was supposed to hold a speech at the beginning, but as always he had more important matters at hand. So the priest started with his speech.

'I know how disturbed I was 25yea...

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I hate when someone I had sex with in High School sends me a friend request on Facebook.

Request denied, Principle Anderson.

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Spy

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8 -year old
son in the flat, was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on
all the street activities.

Their 8-year old began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation;
<...

Agent Smith

A long time ago, when Agent Smith was newly generated, he was tasked to kill the rogue program, The Oracle, and her son. He was new to the Matrix, and was unaware of her capabilities. So he tried to delete her by firing at her with his gun, though the Oracle safely removed herself and her son from d...

Some bloke wants to become a lawyer

The guy (lets call him John) has been dreaming about being the greatest lawyer in the state for years, and has spent the past half a decade working super hard at law school to achieve this goal.

One day, he gets an interview for a highly successful law firm called "Anderson and Nelson At Law"...

Santa and Banta

Santa: Why did people stop printing stamps with photo of Pamela Anderson?


Banta: Because people started licking the wrong side of it for pasting them on the envelopes..

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The Spoon

The other day I took some friends of mine out to a new restaurant. When the waiter took our order, I noticed that he carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when another waiter brought our water and utensils, I noticed that he too had a spoon in hi...

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