Lewis Jokes

Lewis and Clark were walking through Montana when they met an Indian scout who offered to help them hunt buffalo.

The scout took them out in the morning and put his ear to the ground. After a while, he said "Buffalo come."

Lewis asked the scout, "How do you know?"

The scout said... read more

One of the greatest, "The Dog Story"

>We are playing Auburn. Sanford Stadium. National Television. Winner wins the Southeastern Conference; goes to the Sugar Bowl.
85,000 people jammed into Sanford Stadium. National television audience. This game is on the Armed Service Network. Peopl... read more

One acts a little, one acts a lottle

One of them rolls his window down, and Lewis winds his down too

'Oi mate!' says the lad 'Race?'

'Afro-Caribbean' says Lewis, smirking. And speeds off

...The Chronicles of Nani-a.

...He thought he'd killed me

He sees the woman on reception and enquires about joining the club.

Looking slightly disappoint, the woman at the desk tells Lewis that unfortunately the club has a very old rule which states only white people can become members.

She apologises for the out of date rule but says that ... read more

Because it's hip to be squared

He became a nutty 'bro dresser'

My left foot he is!

Clarke, Lewis and Tolkien walk into a bar arguing about how characters should travel.

Clarke says they should take a spaceship and Tolkien says they should walk. Lewis says that can just step through a wardrobe.

When asked how that's possible Lewis says "Narnia business"

Jawea

A classic case of Black on Black crime

Batteries included.


If it makes you feel any better I made the joke up a few months ago and it was a Chris Brown joke, but with Rice being topical and all.

The Lionel Ritchie and the Wardrobe

I can hear a guy with six kids by four different women lecture me about commitment & dedication.

"It’s Dr. Gold," says his wife, passing him the phone, "I do hope it’s not another emergency."

Dr. Stein takes the phone and says, "Hi, what’s up?"

"Don’t worry, everything’s OK," replies Dr. Gold. "It’s just that I’m at home with Dr. Lewis and Dr. Kosiner. We’re having a little game... read more

Lamarck notes that the monkey's arms have become long from reaching for bottles on the high shelves. Darwin disagrees, saying that the monkey got the job because it was born with long arms. Jerry Lewis looks at the both of them, and says…

Sorry, SimLife couldn't get a needed punch line.
... read more

The name you give your child will follow them throughout their entire life, so choose carefully. Think of how it will be made into nicknames and how other people will say it.

Oh, and don't forget about the initials.

Sincerely,

Anna Nichole Amber Lewis and Clive Ulysses Mansfiel... read more

DairyLea Lewis

What do you call a coming of age party for a Jewish person’s dog?

A bark mitzvah.

Thanks to Lewis Black

“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” —*Jerry Seinfeld*

“I gave my father $100 and said, ‘Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.’ So he went out and bought a present for my mother.” —*Rita ... read more

One says it's Lewis-Ville. The next one says the locals say Lew-ville and the last one says Lewie-ville. After arguing for a few minutes they see a place to get some lunch. They can't wait to ask one of the employees how they say it to prove who's right. They all go up to the counter and one says, "... read more

Kenny Rogers, Styx and Jerry Lewis walk into a bar. they sit down at a table and no one waits on them for several minutes. They all notice a waitress at the same time and try calling to her.

Styx: layyyyyyydy,
Kenny Rogers: Laydddy
Jerry Lewis: Laaaaaaaaaaaaady,

The Montana State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising golfers to take extra precautions, and be on the alert for bears while playing on Gallatin, Helena, and Lewis and Clark National Forest’s golf courses.

They advise golfers to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on th... read more

Aristotle - "what does it mean to be a good person"

Descartes - what does it mean to "be"

Nietzsche - "what does it mean"

Bertrand Russell - "what does 'it' mean"

C.S. Lewis - "what does it"

Lil Jon - "what"

There was a man sitting at a bar, and he looks over at the gentleman sitting next to him and says, "Hey, you look familiar. Are you from around here?"

The man answers, "Yeah, I live down the street."
"No kidding?" says the first man, "Well, so do I. And hey, you look about my age. Where di... read more

An octopus walks into a bar and sees a band playing in the corner, composed of those bar-room heroes, the Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman.
He walks up and says “I’m the best musician in the world. I can play any instrument you like”.
So the English guy goes “Alright then. Play th... read more

I pick up my phone--caller ID says it's someone from California called "Blus Halilovec." Before I can even say hello, this guy it slurring this long, drunken story about how he was kicked out of a bar while watching the NHL Winter Classic today, and could I come and give him a ride home? I try to sa... read more

Physicist: "There's a hotel in Germany with a plaque stating that Heisenberg may have slept here."
Me: "Really?"
Physicist: "Well, I'm not sure..."


(as heard in an 'Inspector Lewis' episode)

Every time they show Ray Lewis on the screen, stab someone in your party and then deny it was you.

Lewis and Clark were so starved on their exploration, Sacajawea had a hard time understanding why they didn't eat Seaman.

Taking a very deep breath she replies "I'm really fed up with the state of Mrs Brown's blinds. Mrs Perkin's aren't much better. And that Mrs Lewis- scruffy cow. Look at them- filthy. They're just not house proud like me. Dirty blinds are such an eyesore. If you were a real man you'd go over and get ... read more

This from Todd Lewis, who has a great sense of humor.

We all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast.

But did you know that:

* $666.95 - Retail price of the Beast
* $699.25 - Price of the Beast plus 5% sales tax
* $769.95 - Price of the Beast with all... read more