Celebrity Race-car Driver Lewis Hamilton Walk into a country golf club in England

He sees the woman on reception and enquires about joining the club.

Looking slightly disappoint, the woman at the desk tells Lewis that unfortunately the club has a very old rule which states only white people can become members.

She apologises for the out of date rule but says that ...

I took my Red State dad to see a Huey Lewis cover band -

He stormed out of the concert, while yelling that they were Huey Lewis and the FAKE News.

What's the difference between Daniel Day Lewis and a Mexican Salamander?

One acts a little, one acts a lottle

C.S.Lewis once wrote an anthology on anime culture...

...The Chronicles of Nani-a.

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What can Lewis Hamilton do what Hitler couldn't?

Finish a race.

Why does Huey Lewis like raising things to the second power?

Because it's hip to be squared

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The New Gynecologist

One morning, it's time for Karen's yearly checkup on her "lady parts." She drives to the Gynecologist, is shown into an examination room, and prepares for the exam. To her mild upset, her usual Doctor isn't there.

"What happened to Dr. Michaels?"

"I'm sorry to tell you this, Mrs. Lewis...

A few friends are about to get to Louisville and they start arguing over how it's pronounced.

One says it's Lewis-Ville. The next one says the locals say Lew-ville and the last one says Lewie-ville. After arguing for a few minutes they see a place to get some lunch. They can't wait to ask one of the employees how they say it to prove who's right. They all go up to the counter and one says, "...

Arthur C Clarke, CS Lewis & JRR Tolkien walk into a bar...

Clarke, Lewis and Tolkien walk into a bar arguing about how characters should travel.

Clarke says they should take a spaceship and Tolkien says they should walk. Lewis says that can just step through a wardrobe.

When asked how that's possible Lewis says "Narnia business"

What did Lewis and Clark only have one sack of on their expedition?

Jawea

Did you hear that Daniel Day Lewis is retiring from acting?

My left foot he is!

Lewis and Clark

Lewis and Clark were walking through Montana when they met an Indian scout who offered to help them hunt buffalo.

The scout took them out in the morning and put his ear to the ground. After a while, he said "Buffalo come."

Lewis asked the scout, "How do you know?"

The scout said...

What do you get when you cross C.S Lewis and a Commodore?

The Lionel Ritchie and the Wardrobe

Did you guys hear about the new Ray Lewis action figure?

Batteries included.


If it makes you feel any better I made the joke up a few months ago and it was a Chris Brown joke, but with Rice being topical and all.

The best part about Ray Lewis being on ESPN is..

I can hear a guy with six kids by four different women lecture me about commitment & dedication.

[Punchline wanted] Charles Darwin, Jean-Baptiste Lamarck, and Jerry Lewis walk into a bar. To their surprise, the bartender is a monkey.

Lamarck notes that the monkey's arms have become long from reaching for bottles on the high shelves. Darwin disagrees, saying that the monkey got the job because it was born with long arms. Jerry Lewis looks at the both of them, and says…

Sorry, SimLife couldn't get a needed punch line.
...

A man foolishly asks his wife why she keeps staring out of the window...

Taking a very deep breath she replies "I'm really fed up with the state of Mrs Brown's blinds. Mrs Perkin's aren't much better. And that Mrs Lewis- scruffy cow. Look at them- filthy. They're just not house proud like me. Dirty blinds are such an eyesore. If you were a real man you'd go over and get ...

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Tennessee man accused of dipping testicles in customers salsa.

I'm sure Jerry Lee Lewis wrote a song about that.

Science Humor

Physicist: "There's a hotel in Germany with a plaque stating that Heisenberg may have slept here."
Me: "Really?"
Physicist: "Well, I'm not sure..."


(as heard in an 'Inspector Lewis' episode)

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Englishmen on a train

Heard this a long time ago, on a Lewis Grizzard comedy album. Thought you all would like it.

Two Englishmen brothers were riding the train through London when they saw a highly decorated officer in the British army sitting in the train car across from them.. The elder brother confers with t...

Octopuses Garden

An octopus walks into a bar and sees a band playing in the corner, composed of those bar-room heroes, the Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman.
He walks up and says “I’m the best musician in the world. I can play any instrument you like”.
So the English guy goes “Alright then. Play th...

Walks into a bar

Kenny Rogers, Styx and Jerry Lewis walk into a bar. they sit down at a table and no one waits on them for several minutes. They all notice a waitress at the same time and try calling to her.

Styx: layyyyyyydy,
Kenny Rogers: Laydddy
Jerry Lewis: Laaaaaaaaaaaaady,

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The screw

Lewis is going to pick up his date on a Saturday night. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. She's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?," he says. "That's cool" says Lewis.

Her father asks Lewis what they're planning to do. Lewis replies polite...

Uncle just told me this one.

There was a man sitting at a bar, and he looks over at the gentleman sitting next to him and says, "Hey, you look familiar. Are you from around here?"

The man answers, "Yeah, I live down the street."
"No kidding?" says the first man, "Well, so do I. And hey, you look about my age. Where di...

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An old man was riding the subway.

A young man was sitting across from him He had wildly spiked hair with streaks of color: blue, yellow, red, and purple.

The old man was staring at him intently, so the young man said, "What's the matter old man, haven't you ever done anything out of the ordinary in your life?"

The old ...

I got a random wrong number call from a "Blus Halilovec" in California this afternoon.

I pick up my phone--caller ID says it's someone from California called "Blus Halilovec." Before I can even say hello, this guy it slurring this long, drunken story about how he was kicked out of a bar while watching the NHL Winter Classic today, and could I come and give him a ride home? I try to sa...

People used to say my jokes were bad until I put a cape on them

Now they're super bad

Credit to Jeff Lewis Neal from the rise guys Morning Show

666 is the Number of the Beast

This from Todd Lewis, who has a great sense of humor.

We all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast.

But did you know that:

* $666.95 - Retail price of the Beast
* $699.25 - Price of the Beast plus 5% sales tax
* $769.95 - Price of the Beast with all...

My fiancé said the funniest thing out of context today.

Lewis and Clark were so starved on their exploration, Sacajawea had a hard time understanding why they didn't eat Seaman.

Fun Super Bowl Game:

Every time they show Ray Lewis on the screen, stab someone in your party and then deny it was you.

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