Kevin Jokes - 83 Hilarious Kevin Jokes

One day Kevin was taking a stroll through the beach and found a magic lamp

Kevin immediately rubbed the magic lamp and a genie appeared

Genie : "You have freed me from 1000 years of slavery and I shall be granting you a wish. So be very careful when you wish."

Kevin : "Oh um, I wanna be Rich"

Genie : "Alright then, your wish is granted"

Rich : "...

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Kevin had just gotten a new car and was out for a drive

when he accidentally cut off a truck driver. Truck driver motioned for Kevin to pull over.

When Kevin did, the driver got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to Kevin, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE...

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Kevin dies and goes to heaven...

He gets in line and sees Saint Peter asking everyone a question before they head past the pearly gates. As he's third in line, he overhears Peter ask the guy in front, "Sir, were you faithful in your married life?". The man looks down and replies, "Well, I did have two affairs". Peter nods and hands...

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Kevin O'Reilly walked into a bar.

Kevin O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife !"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of The night."
She said, "Aye, ...

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After an amazing 69 with his girlfriend, Kevin remembered he had a dentist appointment.

He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of mouthwash.
As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too.
The dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed he opened his mouth wide....

Kevin the town idiot.

A guy is with a friend. He points to another guy down the street and says "Look, that's the town idiot. I'll show you. I do this every week"

He then hollers at the other guy

" Hey Kevin! Here, a gift for you, and you get to choose! One $20 bill, or five $1 bills?"

Kevin happily ...

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When I heard that Kevin Hart was injured in a car accident, I was really worried for my kids.

They use the same brand of booster seat!

Too soon?

EDIT - thank you mysterious benefactor for my first gold!

EDIT 2 - Shout out to u/LethKith who wants me and my whole family to die in a fiery car crash. I hope you have a good day buddy. Try to relax and enjoy the joke for what ...

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What is the difference between Kevin McCarthy and a newborn baby?

In a few months, the baby will be a speaker.

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The interviewer asked Kevin if he had any special skills not mentioned on his resume...

Kevin thought for a second and replied, "Well I do know an usual number of people in the world. Even celebrities." The interviewer played along and asked, "Alright. How about Tom Cruise?". Kevin chuckles and says, "Yep! Tom and I go way back actually". Figuring Kevin was just trying to look impressi...

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A man called Kevin is selling his python on ebay

So some bloke rang him up and said “is it massive”
Kevin replies “huge”
Then the bloke says “how many feet”
Kevin says “none its a snake you twat”

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My best friend Kevin is a legend. He went out and got three blow jobs.

Then he came over to give me one. What a friend!

My buddy asked me how I got ahold of Kevin Bacon's phone number

Told him I know a guy ^(who knows a guy) ^^who ^^knows ^^a ^^guy ^^^who ^^^knows ^^^a ^^^guy

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Statistics show that 1 in 5 men in a friend group are actually gay…

I hope it’s Kevin, he’s cute

I wonder if Kevin Spacey's trial will be postponed.

I mean with the SAG strike, he can't act innocent.

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Actors strike update: Kevin Bacon joins the picket line in sweltering Hollywood

He's going to sizzle out there

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Kevin with his mistress on the bed

"You should leave now. My husband is coming back soon", said the woman.

"Don't worry, I've got my trained smart horse outside. If I just blow a whistle and jump out the window, it would catch me easily", smiled Kevin.

Then someone knocked at the door.

In a panic, Kevin blowed a ...

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Yo mama so fat

We are all concerned for her health, Kevin.

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Kevin Bacon

20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs.

Now we have no cash, no hope and no jobs.

God please don't kill Kevin Bacon.

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What’s the difference between Kevin McCarthy and Amazon Alexa?

One’s a speaker that runs the house and the other is a congressman…

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In his trial the jury was told Kevin Spacey wanted to be an astronaut

A witness said that Spacey told him that he would like to get to Uranus.

How many Kevin McCarthies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Q: How many Kevin McCarthies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Well, he needs a house first.

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Wife to husband on their son's 10th birthday: Honey, Kevin still doesn't look like either of us. Why is that?

Husband: Of course he doesn't! Don't you remember when we were leaving the hospital and he had soiled his diaper? You told me to go change him. And I did!

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Kevin Spacey is trying to get a new position in Vegas,...

Blackjack Dealer

Because they hit on anything under 17.

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TIL that after starring in 21 Kevin Spacey tried to play Blackjack professionally and lost all of his money.

Kept hitting on 17.

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Why did Post Malone's promiscuous behavior get him the nickname 'Kevin McAllister?'

Because he was Ho Malone.

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(NSFW) Kevin had a 16 inch Dick.

Is dick was so big, he couldn't get any gals.

He went to a doctor, who was looking at the miracle unbelievably.

Doctor: "I..I.." the doctor stuttered, " Medical science cannot cure this."

"But..." the doctor says, "there is a wizard in the deep Lock Nock Lake. Go to him and he'l...

How does Kevin Bacon escape from a bear trap?

He's gotta cut footloose

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Kevin went to Canada for cheaper insulin.

Kevin got arrested for smuggling drugs.

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Jackson and Kevin

Kevin and his friend Jackson both loved baseball very much. One day, Jackson asked Kevin,

“do you think there’s baseball in heaven?”.

“Not sure” Kevin replied.

A few days later, Jackson was hit by a drunk driver and died. Kevin took it hard a would spend hours walking the beach...

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After the divorce went through, Kevin felt...

Unbridaled joy.

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What do you call a group of Karen's and Kevin's?

An HOA board

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Teacher ask Kevin for the meaning of... (NSFW)

Teacher ask Kevin for the meaning of: The Government, The Capitalism, The Working Class, The People, The Future and how they relate to each other.

Kevin gets home and asks his Mom about it; Mom replies: "WTF, you cannot see I'm busy here? Go and ask your dad about it, He is always just wa...

Kevin Bacon should get a job at Chippendales.

The sign out front would read "Bacon Strips'

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I think John is having an affair with my wife

Kevin: “I think John is having an affair with my wife.”

Jim: “What makes you think that?”

Kevin: “He is so miserable lately..”

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Kevin Spacey walks into a bar

But after realizing the drinking age is 21 decides that he'd rather hang out somewhere else.

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Kevin Spacey likes his guys like he likes his whiskey...

12 years old and in a barrel, OR 18 years old and full of coke.

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Kevin Hart is so short...

He goes up on his wife!

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Mother: How was school today, Kevin?

Kevin: It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!

Mother: Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?

Kevin: What school?

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The Tale of Kevin Bopper

Back in high school there was this kid named Kevin Bopper. He was... strange, to say the least. He was that quiet kid with long, greasy, dandruff-ridden hair, a face full of acne, and wore a leather jacket- you know the type. The thing that made him stand out, however, was his weird fixation on traf...

Ashli Babbitt and Kevin Greeson die and go the Heaven...

At the Pearly Gates they see God who tells them he will answer any question. They look at each other and ask, "Who won the 2020 election?"

Exasperated, God responds, "Oh for the love of...! Biden! Biden won the presidency in a free and fair election! There was no grand conspiracy. The machine...

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Why is Kevin Malone's son named Ho?

He's a big fan of a Macaulay Culkin movie.

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After discovering that Kevin Spacey is a sexual predator, I would be surprised to see him get any work in the future.

Unless he runs for President of the United States.

Can a woman make a man a millionaire?

Only if he's a billionaire.

Credits to Kevin Hart

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Kevin goes to the doctor

Kevin walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Kevin said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Kevin what he had.. Kevin said, 'Shingles....

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Do you ever wonder if the web developers behind Pornhub were inspired by Kevin Costner & Field of Dreams

If you build it, they will cum

What does Kevin Spacey say when he's about to eat?

"bone a petite"

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I wonder why Kevin Spacey is such a good guitarist.

Probably because he’s had a lot of practise fingering minors

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What's Kevin Spacey's favourite musical note?

A minor

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Did you hear Kevin Spacey is making a prequel to 21?

It's called "Always Hit on 14"

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Why did Kevin spacey quit his music career?

He didnt know th difference between minor and a minor

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Kevin Spacey's new job

Kevin Spacey's new job is at EA. They heard he likes to fuck 14 year olds over and over, just like them.

With all this Corona virus going around, I'm really worried about Kevin Bacon.

He's always at most 6 degrees away from someone.

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Kevin Bacon once had a friend named Johnny Eggs

They were known as Kevin and Johnny.

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How is Kevin Spacey like Walmart?

They both have boys pants half off.

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I can't stand Kevin Spacey and people like him.

They're all fucking immature assholes.

Why can Kevin Spacey never win a race?

He always comes in a little behind.

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What's the difference between Kevin Spacey and Mozart?

It's hard to get Mozart to play with A minor.

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What's Kevin Spacey's favorite college?

Brigham Young

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Kevin goes to the dentist

and he asks in extreme pain, "How much to have a tooth pulled?"

Dentist: Rs 1200.

Kevin: 1200 bucks for a few minutes job?

Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you like!

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Kevin Spacey walked into a bar

Well, it was more like he backed into it.

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Whats Kevin Spacey's Favorite Opera?

The Magic Flute .... in a minor.

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When was bed time at Kevin Spacey's house?

When the big hand touched the little hand.

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The bartender at my neighborhood pub calls me Kevin McAllister.

Because I’m always going Home Alone.

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What do Harvey Weinstein and Kevin Spacey have in common?

The House of Cards they had built in Hollywoodland has now made them The Usual Suspects in Sin City. This was supposed to be LA Confidential but apparently they couldnt find Consenting Adults. The American Beauty of this is that they will now forever be Inglorious Basterds.

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Bryan Singer and Kevin Spacey walk up to a bar

The bartender asks for their IDs. They walk away and say" well I guess we're not going to find what we're looking for here."

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What do Kevin McCallister and Chris Watts have in common?

They both made their families disappear.

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What did the woman say to Kevin Spacey on the beach?

Could you please move, you're in my son.

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Bob has a small company. One day, one of his employees, Kevin, dies

Bob and his wife go to the funeral. On the way back home, she asks him:

"Dear, you know my brother is a little lazy, but he's been looking for a good opportunity. Do you think he could replace Kevin?" Bob answers:

"It's ok for me, but we would have to talk with the graveyard administ...

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What do Jared Fogel, Harvey Weinstein and Kevin Spacey have in common?

Their favorite piece of classical music is Chopin’s Waltz in A minor.

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Kevin spacey got turn down to play Santa.

Apparently they didn’t trust him with the naughty list.

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Why did Kevin Hart have such a short stay in the hospital?

He has the money to pay for adequate medical service

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For decades I've always liked Kevin Spacey

Turns out he stopped liking me decades ago

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Why do movies with Kevin Hart and Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson pairing do well in the box office?

Because they have a little Hart and a big Johnson

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Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Kevin McCarthy: Hold my beer.

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Kevin Spacey and Harvey Weinstein sat just watching T.V

Harvey asks "hey Kev, you wanna rent a DVD tonight?"

Kevin thinks for a minute "Yeah" he says "let's get aladdin!"

"calm down Kev ain't you in a enough shit already?" replies Harvey.

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Kevin came home from elementary school one day...

...with a smile and exclaimed, "Dad! I got the highest score in class on the math test!"

"That's because you're from Louisiana, son!" The father replies.

The next day, Kevin returns from school again with excitement in his voice.

"Dad, guess what!?!" he says happily. "I can spel...

The local weatherman named the upcoming snowstorm after his oldest son Kevin.

Because he didn't think it was going to amount to much either.

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What do Kevin Spacey and Santa Claus have in common?

They both like to empty their sacks for young boys.
(I know it's an old MJ joke)

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Why doesn't Kevin Spacey win first place in marathons?

He isn't an athlete and doesn't train for marathons

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My friend is a little person...

He's epileptic and delivers pizzas for a living.

His name is Kevin, but I like to call him Little Seizures.

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The Doctors told me I was just Six Degrees from dying of Kevin Bacon

Fortunately, Bacon was cured.

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I like you helping me in the kitchen, Kevin, but do you use drugs?

— No, mom, I swear!
— So, why you're cutting onions with the credit card?

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Little Kevin had a habit of stealing apples from his neighbors farm

Annoyed by this the neighbor tried to catch little Kevin but constantly failed, so he hired a wise man to help him. The wise man simply painted a few words on a sign and left, the sign now said "one apple is poisoned". The next day the neighbor comes out to the wise mans house and asks for his money...

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