There is a reason why Daniel Craig has grey hair in the new James Bond film...

... it's because he's got 'No time to Dye'.

Nursing Home Police

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge
around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up
to maximum speed on the long corridors.
Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other
residents tolerated her, and some of the male...

The phone rings at the local police station. “Hello? I’m calling to report my neighbor, Craig. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!”

“Thank you very much for the call, sir.” The next day, policemen descend on the neighbor’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave. The phone rings at the neighbors house. Hey...

When you spend 3 hours in line at Jenny Craig to see a weight loss consultant . . .

You over wait.

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Jenny Craig for Men

I called the company and ordered their 5-day, 10 lb. Weight loss.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before me a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a repr...

My friend Craig got me those sunglasses for colourblind people; yesterday I saw colour for the first time.

Turns out, Craig is black.

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Do they call me Craig the fence maker?

Bill was an American tourist in Scotland when he wandered off the trail and got lost. He wandered around for hours and was starting to worry when the sun went down. In the darkness, he saw a tiny light on top of a hill. He knew it meant civilization so he started walking towards it.

After an...

I bought an official Craig David fridge recently, and it's useless!

It only chills on Sundays!

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A woman places an add on Craig's list...

Looking for a date. Her post reads "I'm looking for a man who won't beat me, won't run around on me and has a big dick." The next day her doorbell rings and when she opens the door she sees a man with no arms and no legs in a wheel chair. "I'm answering your add on craigs list" he says. "And before ...

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What do you call it when Daniel Craig has kinky sex?

Bondage!

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Craig moves out of the city...

...and after being alone on his farm miles from anyone craig begins to get lonely, so he heads to the road a few miles away and happens to catch his neighbor walking by, who invites craig to a party. craig is excited, so he instantly accepts.

the neighbor says "whoa hold it, this isnt your a...

A joke I heard at mass

A priest is baptizing a man. He dips him 3 times in water and says "Craig, from now on you will be known as Michael. From this day forth you are to shed your sinful ways and that includes no more gambling or alcohol"

The man later that day goes home and heads straight for the fridge. He then...

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McDoogle walks into a bar.

He starts ordering several shots to drown his sorrows. He says to the bar keep you know when someone builds houses does anyone say there goes McDoogle the house builder? No they don’t. McDoogle downs another shot and orders another. He takes the glass in his hand and says when someone rescues childr...

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Three buddies get pulled over.

One day Joe, Craig and Mike were booze cruising around when they get pulled over by the police. After Joe failed the sobriety test the officer said 'well boys I'm feeling generous tonight and if all your penises add up to 18" I'll let you go'.
The three decide that it's a fair bet so Mike says he...

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Me: I have this inner image of a better me, I just can't achieve it.

Craig: Oh yes you can, just exercise, diet, and live a clean life and you can do anything.
.
.
Me: That doesn't double my penis size, Craig!

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My chemistry teacher asked me a question in class.

She told to me to rank all the bonds.

So I did.

1) Connery

2) Craig

3) Brosnan

4) Dalton

5) Lazenby

She sent me outside the class. I still wonder if there were any Moore?

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A danish artist painted pictures of naked women with his penis.

An interested buyer visits his gallery and asks:
"how can u paint those gentle round curves with your penis"
"It wasn't too hard"

got that from the late late show with craig ferguson.

My Chemistry homework is asking me to rank the bonds by relative strength.

Could Pierce Brosnan or Daniel Craig beat Sean Connery in a fight?

Police baffed by grave robber

Local police were having a hard time catching a grave robber. He figured he would minimize his time in the graveyard by taking the whole corpse so he could take fillings out at his leisure. To hide the evidence he was adopting out the skeletons to worthy goths on Craig's List.

Turns out that ...

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I bought my wife a pair of shoes and a dildo.

If she doesn't like the shoes, she can go fuck herself.

(Shamelessly stolen from Craig Ferguson)

So a guy takes a girl to the carnival

And asks her what she wants to do first. The girl says "I want to get weighed" so he takes her to the weighing game where the guy tries to guess how much you weigh. The guy guesses 124lbs and the girl only weighs 120lbs so she wins a bear.

After that, the guy asks his date "what do you want t...

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I got my wife her Christmas present

For Christmas I got her a pair of shoes. If she doesn't like the vibrator she can go take a hike.

No, that's not it...

If she doesn't like the shoes she can go fuck herself.

(Heard it on Craig Ferguson's stand-up special)

I can't believe all of this violence and rioting is happening...

... all because Craig Ferguson is leaving his show.

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