Two friends named Monty and Jason went to a movie theater. Monty went ahead to grab the tickets leaving Jason waiting behind.

While queuing for the tickets, Monty chats up the gentleman in front of him, "Hey, I'm Monty," he says. The gentleman amicably replies, "Hola, soy Santiago."

Hearing the man's response, Monty immediately runs away and returns alarmed to his friend, shouting, "There's a Spanish in queue Jason"...

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I was often bullied as a kid for having the name Jason Butt

So the second I turned 18 I legally changed it to *James* Butt

Dolph Lundgren, Jason Statham and Arnold Schwarzenegger go to a theme party.

Dolph Lundgren, Jason Statham, and Arnold Schwarzenegger are planning ahead to attend a theme party. The theme is famous composers, and Lundgren suggests “We should all go as a composer from our respective heritage. I could be Franz Berwald. He had interests in the arts and sciences, much like me.”<...

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Jason came home from the pub late one Friday evening...

... stinking drunk (as he often did) and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave his wife a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.
“Who the hell are you?” Demanded J...

Why doesn't Batman let Jason Todd into the Batcave anymore?

Because he keeps Robin things.

Jason and Charlie go golfing

After a few holes Jason misses what should have been an easy putt. "God dammit, I missed!" said Jason. Charlie replies, "Woah there, you really shouldn't use the Lord's name in vain or God himself may strike down upon you". Jason assures Charlie it won't happen again and they continue to play. A few...

My friend glued a fake beard on to look like Jason Momoa

I don't think he could pull it off very well

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Steve and Jason have their car break down on a deserted country road. [NSFW]

It’s late at night, there is no cell reception and they see only one house for miles surrounded by corn fields so they walk over and ring the doorbell. A disgusting old, wrinkly lady answers the door and asks them what they want.

“Our car broke down and we need to call a tow truck but we don’...

I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley

Thanks to months of therapy, I'm finally battling my Damons.

Why didn't Jason wear his hockey mask for Halloween?

Because you don't wear white after Labor Day.

I hear that if you draw a really good portrait of Jason Segel you will instantly be proficient in Karate, Taekwondo, and Jiu Jitsu

I think it has something to do with becoming a master Marshall artist

I was passing by my son's bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow, addressed to, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands...

"Dear, Dad.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy.

She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of al...

I think Jason Momoa looks terrible as Aquaman...

...they should have chosen someone who looks more finnish.

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With the surge in popularity of Country Music artists that have included rap in their songs, like Jason Aldean and Sam Hunt, this years CMA's will include a new category. As it is a hybrid style of genres, Rap and Country, the producers have settled on a fitting name for the award.

CRAP.

What is Jason Voorhees's favorite country?

Chi-chi-chi Na-na-na.

Who is Jason Waterfalls?

And why don't they want him to go?

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A Joke for everyone who isn't called Richard

Was chatting to a lovely Blonde the other day, Ruth she said her name was.

When she asked my name I said ‘Jason, but everyone calls me Dick for short’

‘How do you get Dick from Jason’ she asked

I replied ‘Ask nicely!’

Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone and Jason Statham were sitting around a table

When they came up for an idea for a TV series based on the lives of classical musicians. They had all the details nailed down: the music, the plot, the decor, etc.

However, they couldn't decide which character each actor was going to play in the series. Eventually, the three came to an agreem...

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A couple wants to have sex but their son is in the house.

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie " with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities...

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.He began his commentar...

My wife wanted one of those "unique" names for our son. So we named him Jason

The 'J' sounds like 'Th'. The "ason" is silent. You add "omas" on the end.

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Charlie and Jason are at the zoo...

...And Jason decided he wanted to see the gorillas. Charlie decided he wants to see the naked mole rats, so they go their separate ways.

Jason walked up to the gorilla cage to see the gorilla staring at him. Jason laughed and waved at the animal jokingly. To his surprise, the gorilla waved ba...

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On the way out of mass...

On the way out of mass, Steve asks Jason: "I've wanted to fuck the pastor's stunning wife for the longest time, can you do me a favor and keep the pastor at confession for like half an hour so I can go nail her?

Jason, ever the wingman, agrees, and proceeds to the confession booth. After a fe...

Jason's wife Liane wanted something that in 6 seconds goes from 0-200..

So he bought her a bathroom scale.

You're fat liane, don't sugar coat it. Because you'll just eat that too.

Be Positive

A good friend passed away here at the office today. There was an accident in the mailroom and his bleeding could not be controlled. EMS arrived immediately but were unable to slow the bleeding enough. The ems team could not figure out quickly enough what Jason's blood type was either so saving him t...

Some diseases are airborne, some are waterborne...

But the Matt Damon disease is Jason Bourne

What is a Pirate's Favorite Greek Myth?

Jason and the Arrrghonauts

Little Johnny was in Spanish Class one day...

The teacher said, "Okay, class, tell me a sentence that has to do with Nicaragua."

The teacher calls on Mary Lou. "The flag of Nicaragua has white and blue stripes, with a coat of arms in the middle."

The teacher calls on Jason next. "Nicaragua is located in Central America, with 6 oth...

What do you call a Swedish assassin?

Jason Bjorn

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Favourite one-liner?

"stationary shop moves" - Jimmy Carr

**Another favourite -** "I keep my porno tapes in my sock drawer, it's all you need in one place" - Jason Manford

Woah, is Aquaman running after your gardener?

No, he's Jason Mamoa

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I was going out with a twin.

I was going out with a twin, I always had trouble telling them apart, in the end I worked out that Kylie had long blonde hair and Jason had a dick.

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They should have left him alone (Long)

Jason, a young guy in his mid-late teens, had recently been doing a bit of… sexual exploration and discovery. As is often the case in young adolescents. However, Jason was from a devoutly religious family, and as such it was very much a taboo subject. At first it was simply from the magazines his mo...

Those DANG mosquitoes!!!

After several unpleasant experiences, one night, in total darkness, Gramps opened the cabin door and said, "you see, children?" "Pesky mosquitoes are attracted to light! Now, we're safe."
BUT soon as they entered the cabin and the door was shut, Jason noticed a handful of tiny blinking lights (...

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Keeping promises to the grave.

Husband and wife are talking.

H: "Tell me the truth, honey: did you ever cheat me?"

W: "Oh, sweetheart, don't say such things"

H: "I mean it, Jennifer. If you would ever cheat on me, I would turn in my grave"

W: "I swear I never did and never will, my love. I would never ...

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I was watching my grandson play some word game on his phone.

He was repositioning two A's, an E, an I, an O and a U.

"Jason, that's the messiest vowel movement I've ever seen," I told him.

He replied, "You've never seen my shit after I eat alphabet soup, Grandpa."

The 10 best jokes of the Edinburgh Fringe 2014

1."I've decided to sell my Hoover ... well, it was just collecting dust" - Tim Vine.

2."I've written a joke about a fat badger, but I couldn't fit it into my set" - Masai Graham.

3."Always leave them wanting more, my uncle used to say to me. Which is why he lost his job in disaster rel...

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A man and his wife didn't want their young son Timmy to know they were having a quickie...

...so they told him to go out on the balcony and give them a blow-by-blow account of the neighborhood comings and goings.

so Timmy goes out and begins reciting, "The Johnsons got a new car, there's a police car over at the Shaws' place, Jason Mitchell is sneaking out of his house, and the Led...

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Flight New York - London

"Greetings passengers, it's your pilot speaking, the estimated time of the flight is about 8 hours, the sky is clear, and we should have no issues reaching our destination in time." The pilot then proceeded to put down the plane's loudspeaker, but he forgets to turn it off, and says to his co-pilot,...

So, the 7 year-old daughter is talking with her mom...

"Mom, today at school during break, Jason and I played doctor!" she says excitedly.
"Oh dear" the mother answers, fearing the worst "what did you two do?"
"Oh, not much, he made me wait forty-five minutes and then double billed the insurance company."

A teen boy wants to borrow the car, so he opens his parents' bedroom door to ask.

He sees his dad wearing only chaps and a cowboy hat, on top of his mother, who has a feathered headdress and an indian squaw outfit on. He quickly shuts their door and disappears.

The parents decided to finish what they were doing, but a few minutes later, the wife asks the dad to go talk t...