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Have you heard of the Michael Jackson diet?

You just have to start with the man in the mirror, and ask him to change his weighs.

How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?

From a catalog

What are Michael Jackson's preferred pronouns?

He/He

Samuel L. Jackson is going to be playing St. Patrick in a new movie.

His first job will be to get some Snakes off a plain.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

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What does Sigmund Freud and Samuel L Jackson have in common?

For them, everyone is a motherfucker

I have begun identifying as a Michael Jackson impersonator

My pronouns are now hee/hee

How did Samuel L Jackson die in star wars?

He fell out of the Windu

What do you call $100 when it's paid out in 20 dollar bills?

The Jackson 5

Why did Michal Jackson dangle his kid from the hotel balcony?

He was just dusting the Blanket.

Michael Jackson, what element comes after Oxygen?

He He!

What do Jesus and Michael Jackson have in common?

They were both born brown - but remembered white

What do Michael Jackson and the Berlin Wall have in common?

They were both really big in the 80s, and then bits started falling off of them.

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Little Boy Blue

Little Boy Blue who?

Michael Jackson

Did Michael Jackson drink coffee?

Or did he prefer Tea-He

Why can’t Michael Jackson go within 200m of a school?

Because he’s dead

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Why foreign students are not welcomed in America.

It was the first day of school in the USA and a new Indian student named Chandra Subramanian entered the 4th grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History.

Teacher :- Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces except f...

Do you know how the residents of Jackson Hole know when will smith comes to visit?

Fresh prints.

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Why does Sam.L.Jackson love fathers day?

'Cause it's all about celebrating those god damn motherfuckers.

I opened the fridge today and the milk was singing a Michael Jackson song

I think it’s Bad

What would you hear if you had Michael Jackson and Kanye West in the same room?

YE-YE.

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What did Samuel L. Jackson say when he met Oedipus?

'What's up, motherfucker?'

I really wanted to share a link to Weird Al's 1984 Michael Jackson parody today but I realized

That I can't have my Cake Day and Eat It, too.

Why can’t Michael Jackson play chess?

He can’t decide which color to use

Why do people like telling Michael Jackson jokes.

Because when they do he goes HeHe.

What is Michael Jackson’s favourite Indian city?

New Del he-he

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Samuel L. Jackson doesn't call his parents Mom and Dad.

He calls them Mother and Motherfucker.

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How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers ...

Michael Jackson and Jeffrey Epstein walk into a bar...

...and walk right out because it's 18+

What did Michael Jackson say when he found two molecules of helium?

HeHe

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When your wife opts to describe your sex life to her friends as ‘like Michael Jackson wrote *those lyrics* just for us’, what is your very worst case scenario?

‘Beat it, Speed Demon. Leave me alone.’

What is Michael Jackson's favorite lunchtime meal?

Grilled Chee-heese

Samuel L. Jackson was sitting at the breakfast table with his wife and 10 month old son...

His toddler starts to make some noises then very clearly says, "mother".

Sam excitedly yells, "Oh my God, honey, he just said half a word!"

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The crusty Navy Master Chief noticed a new face and barked at him, "Get over here! What's your name, sailor?" "John," the new seaman replied.

"Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they're teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don't call anyone by his first name," the Master Chief scowled.

"It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last names only...

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So there's this kid named Jackson . . .

Jackson is about to have his first day of kindergarten.

He knows his name. He's like 5 or 6, or whatever age kindergartners are. They all know their names. That's important.

So Jackson goes into his class. His parents drop him off or whatever. Class starts and the teacher starts doing ...

What's the name of the clothes shop Michael Jackson visited the most?

Billie JEANS

What do Michael Jackson and USA have in common?

They both desperately wanted to be white. And the last great thing they did was a moon walk.

What did they do with Michael Jackson when he died?

Well, he had so many plastic surgeries that they melted him down into LEGOs... Now kids play with him for a change.

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Richard Pryor: I got famous for saying "motherfucker". Sam Jackson: I also got famous for saying "motherfucker".

Oedipus: You guys are all talk.

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What is Samuel L. Jackson’s favorite type of porn?

Mother fucking.

Did you hear what they did with Michael Jackson’s body?

Since he was like 90% plastic they melted him into legos and let little boys play with him for once.

I just took a test to see how good my Jackson Pollock impression is.

I passed with flying colors.

Anne Frank, Michael Jackson, and Helen Keller walk into a bar...

Just kidding they're all dead.

What is Dwight Schrutes favourite Michael Jackson song?

Beet it.

Did you hear they were making a McJackson burger for Michael Jackson

It a 50 year old piece of meat in a 12 year old bun

I heard Michael Jackson actually died of food poisoning.

He ate some 12 year old nuts

Did you hear that Peter Jackson and John Hughes planned to make a movie together?

“The Second Breakfast Club”.

A couple made a trip the the hospital

Brandon Jackson and Mary Brown are a young couple who needed to rush to a hospital. Mary has been having so much pain it’s like she’s pregnant. The doctor says they’ll need Mary alone for the appointment, to which Brandon agrees.

Later, the doctor walks out and tells Brandon, “We have good ne...

What did the woman say to micheal jackson at the beach?

Get out of my son!

In church I heard an old lady saying a prayer

It was so sweet and sincere that I just had to share with you:-
"Dear Lord,
This has been a tough couple of years.
You have taken my favourite actor Patrick Swayze.
My favourite pop singer Michael Jackson.
My favourite Blues artist BB King.
My favourite actress Elizabeth Taylor....

Florida Man calls 911

Operator: "911, what's your emergency?"

Florida Man: "Hello ma'am, me and my buddy Jackson were out duck hunting, when a big gator came out of the water and attacked us. It bit up my leg real good, then it dragged Jackson under the water, but I scared it off with my shotgun."

O: "Okay,...

What's the difference between a plastic bag and Micheal Jackson?

One is made of plastic and a danger to children, the other holds your groceries.

Why did Michael Jackson go to K-Mart (NSFW)

He heard little boys pants were half off

How did Michael Jackson get corona?

He was only wearing one glove.

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A young private is on sentry duty one night in the guardhouse when the telephone rings

"ARE THERE MANY CARS ON THE OFFICER'S CAR PARK?" a voice bellows down the line?

The private looks at the car park and replies "Only that fat bastard General Jackson's car"

"DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU'RE TALKING TO?" the voice shouts. "THIS IS GENERAL JACKSON!"

"And do you know who you'...

Who was the most relevant member of the Jackson 5?

Germane.

I used to laugh at Michael Jackson for wearing gloves and a mask.....

Yet here i am, stuck at home in this covid19 Thriller,
Beating it.....

What did Michael Jackson have in common with a second-place NASCAR driver?

They both came in a little behind.

My local high school was renamed from Stonewall Jackson High School to Unity Reed High School.

_What school do you attend?_

U.R. High

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People say Michael Jackson only became a paedophile when he was white. [NSFW]

Lucky for him, if he was black he would have been found guilty.

When is Michael Jackson's bed time?

When the big hand touches the little hand

What do Santa Claus and Micheal Jackson have in common?

They both leave kids' rooms with empty sacks

How are ps4s and Micheal Jackson similar?

They're both plastic and get turned on by little kids.

As you may know, we have approached the 10th anniversary on the death of Michael Jackson...

I think we should pause and think of all those he's touched.

We named our guitar school after Michael Jackson

First lesson: fingering A minor

Michael Jackson

Remember laughing at Michael Jackson wearing a mask and gloves?

Now you are all out there looking like you wanna be starting something!

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Why didn't Samuel Jackson get the lead role in the upcoming Oedipus movie?

Because he's a bad motherfucker.

Curtis Jackson, aka 50 cent, considering to run for office. His first campaign slogans released.

Change we can believe in! The change we need!

Some people didn’t remember the plot of the short story The Lottery (By Shirley Jackson)

But when they did, it hit them like a rock.

Why did Micheal Jackson call Boys II Men?

He thought it was delivery service.

What's worse then sitting on Micheal Jackson's lap?

Still sitting on it when he stands up

Michael Jackson invited a young boy for a sleepover.

Everytime the boy would begin to drop off to sleep, he'd hear a noise, he'd look up and Michael would slink off out of the room and then behind the door. The boy grabbed the pillow and forced his eye to remain open. As soon as the boy fell asleep Michael came back in the room. In the end he could ta...

Michael Jackson should have opened a clothing line for pants.

He could have called it Billie Jeans.

Those prices are THRILLER!
No one can BEAT IT!

Kids pants would be half off there.

Why did Michael Jackson love twenty six year olds?

Because there were twenty of them.

Whats the first thing Michael Jackson does when he spawns in on Minecraft?

He punches a trhee-hee

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What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?

Neil Armstrong *walked on the moon* but Michael Jackson was a *pedophile.*

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Just saw the Michael Jackson documentary

I didn’t realize how many kids were butt-hurt after Leaving Neverland

I met Michael Jackson once when I was 9 years old

It was a touching experience.

What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and Neil Armstrong?

Neil Armstrong was the first man to walk on the moon.

Michal Jackson touched kids

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Michael Jackson wrote a song about my sex life

Beat it

I don’t think Michael Jackson would make for a good documentary

He’d make a better thriller

How do you know it’s bedtime at Michael Jackson’s house?

Because the big hand is touching the little hand.

Inspired by another Michael Jackson joke in the thread today . . .

How can you tell when Michael Jackson has company over?

Big Wheels in the driveway.

Why did Michael Jackson dangle his baby out the window?

He was airing his blanket.

A lot of people think Michael Jackson's Pronouns were He/Him, but in reality,

Michael's preferred prounouns were He/He

Why Did Michael Jackson's Guitarist Quit?

Michael asked him to drop the G-string and put the D into A minor.

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Samuel L. Jackson is in a field surrounded by 100 rakes.

"ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. I'VE HAD IT WITH THESE MOTHER-FUCKING RAKES ON THIS MOTHER-FUCKING PLAIN!"

What would Michael Jackson be doing if he were alive right now?

Scratching the hell out of his coffin lid.

I really dislike people doing Michael Jackson impressions

Whenever I see one, I turn 360 degrees and walk away.

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What pronouns does a person who sexualy identifies as Michael Jackson use?

He/heee

What's the difference between Harambe and Michael Jackson?

Harambe got punished for touching little kids.

I'm having mixed feelings about being a Michael Jackson impersonator.

On one hand, you get to wear a cool white glove.

On the other hand, you don't.

Why Cant Micheal Jackson Play Cards?

He's Dead

What does Jeffrey Epstein and Michael Jackson have in common?

They both make the kids go “oh no”

What is Samuel L. Jackson's favorite Greek tragedy?

Oedipus Rex

A man in the supermarket reminded me of Michael Jackson today.

He said, “Don’t forget about Michael Jackson”.

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What does a party with R. Kelly and Michael Jackson always have?

Hee hee and Pee pee.

You sick fucks.

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