I misplaced Dwayne Johnson's cutting tool for the origami workshop...

I can't believe I lost the Rock's Paper
Scissors...

Marshall Mathers has agreed to be the spokesman for the Johnson&Johnson Covid Vaccine...

...cuz you only get one shot.

How do you beat Dwayne Johnson in a fight?

Throw paper at him

John was excited to move into his new condo which was exactly below Dwayne Johnson's apartment. But soon he became ignorant & oblivious to things happening around him. Why?

Because John was living under The Rock.

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Do you think Dwayne "the rock" Johnson...

Calls his penis "Dwayne *The Cock* Johnson"?

I’m glad the Johnson & Johnson vaccine is only administered once...

...I don’t think I want two shots to the Johnson.

The Johnson and Johnson shot could refer to getting the vaccine

or double penetration

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Mr. Johnson has been having constant headaches ever since his teenage years. For years and years his doctor tries to cure him, but the headaches only get worse and worse.

Finally, one day, the doctor asks Mr. Johnson to undress. After inspecting Mr. Johnson's body, he sees the problem.

"You have an extremely rare condition," explains the doc. "Your testicles are pressed up against your spinal cord, giving you headaches. This condition has no known cause and on...

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Wait, if you slap Dwayne Johnson’s Butt...

Do you Hit Rock Bottom?

Queen Elizabeth ascended to the throne 69 years ago today. When asked for comment, Boris Johnson replied,

"Nice."

Why Does Johnson & Johnson Baby Shampoo Have the Worst Patreon to Support?

No tiers.

Adam Johnson, the man seen carrying House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s lecture during the siege has been arrested.

His lawyer said that at the trial he won’t be taking the stand.

Mr. Johnson was playing in his frontyard with his fav grandson Toby when he saw Toby's teacher approaching

Mr. Johnson : "Toby go hide now, boy. It's your teacher. Aren't you skipping school?"

Toby : "Oh no! You go hide grandpa! Quick! Now!"

Mr. Johnson "Why should I? You're the one skipping school here!"

Toby : "That's the problem, grandpa. I told Mr. Anderson you died this morning....

What's the similarity between Boris Johnson and the clapper on Big Ben?

They're both massive bell-ends.

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Boris Johnson: There’ve been two Brazilian mutations of the virus recorded.

Matt Hancock: That’s terrible. How many is a brazillion, again?

Dwayne Johnson and his family all contracted COVID..

They figured it out when they couldn't smell what the rock was cooking.

So Boris Johnson has tested positive for COVID-19...

Anyone else concerned with how quickly the virus has jumped from human to politician?

What's the difference between a geologist and Dwayne Johnson conducting an experiment?

One is a rock scientist. The other is The Rock, scientist.



(This is so dumb. I apologize in advance to anyone who reads this.)

What happens when you are hugging Dwayne Johnson and a pig?

You’re stuck between The Rock and a lard place.

Why do movies with Kevin Hart and Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson pairing do well in the box office?

Because they have a little Hart and a big Johnson

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Mr. Johnson goes to the doctor (nsfw)

He has had a stutter since he was 12.

"D-d-d-doctor help me."

He gets an exam and the doctor tells him his penis is so large, the weight pulls on his vocal chords. After a brief discussion they decide a reduction is in order.

Mr Johnson says "th-th-th-thank you doctor."

...

Bad move by Boris Johnson promising 68 million people christmas

Its all ended in tiers

Peggy Johnson was suing her neighbor, Dave, for harassment after he kept calling her "pig."

The two were fighting over their backyard borders, and so Dave took up to calling her a "pig." Peggy took him to court and sued him for harassment. The judge wanted to settle this immediately and issued an order for Dave to stop calling Peggy a "pig."

"Dave, I'm giving you a chance to walk aw...

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Boris Johnson,Donald Trump and Angela Merkel are fishing..

Boris Johnson, Donald Trump and Angela Merkel are fishing on the North Sea coast .

Boris Johnson starts to brag while looking at the Water : „We British have the best submarines in the World. Our subs can be submerged under water for over one month without refueling!“

Merkel is looking...

Since I haven't cut my hair since the lockdowns, I told my wife, "My hair is longer than my johnson."

She said, "that's not saying much."

A Scot, Irishman and Welshman walk into a bar. Boris Johnson runs after them...

... looking for ideas on how to handle Covid.

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Boris Johnson dies...

His soul arrives in heaven and he is met by St.Peter at the Pearly Gates. Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there's a problem: We seldom see a Conservative here and we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer," says Johnso...

What’s the difference between Boris Johnson and Maggie Thatcher?

One starved miners and one starved minors

Re Boris Johnson’s recent lockdown announcement.

I knew it would end in tiers

Mr. Johnson had been retired for a year when his wife suggested they take a cruise.

“We could go somewhere for a week, and make wild love like we did when we were young!"

He thought it over and agreed. So, he put on his hat and went down to the pharmacy, where he bought a bottle of seasick pills and a box of condoms.

Upon returning home, his wife said,"I've been thi...

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A man gets home from work very disgruntled, his wife asks "What is the matter?" (Man) "I got fired from the factory today." (Wife) "Oh honey you poor thing, what did you do now?" (Man) "I stuck my dick in the pickle slicer." Wife *Looks down at his johnson* "What happened to the pickle slicer...?"

She was fired too.

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During her rounds at the retirement home Nurse Wendy sees old Mr. Johnson looking very sad...

While on her rounds Nurse Wendy sees old Mr. Johnson walking sadly down the hall. Being the kindhearted person she is, she asks him what’s got him so sad.

“Well, there’s been a death in my family” he says.

“Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. Was it someone close to you?”

“Yes, it ...

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A lady who is cheating on her husband

There's a lady who is cheating on her husband. One day while they are having sex she hears her husband pull into the driveway. Her boyfriend says "oh no! What should we do?!" She says "hurry! Get dressed and go to the living room!" Once they're in the living room she starts sprinkling baby powder al...

I want Dwayne Johnson to take me roughly behind a casino

Call that being stuck between the Rock and a card place

Plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, The Pope and a ten year old school boy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes.

Plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, The Pope and a ten year old school boy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes.

Trump said I need one. I’m the smartest man in the USA and am needed to sort out the problems of the World!’, take...

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Mr. Johnson walks into a doctor's office and says to the doctor, "My penis has turned orange."

The doctor asks to see his penis, and sure enough, Mr. Johnson's penis is as orange as a carrot.

"What's wrong with my penis?" asks Mr. Johnson.

"When someone's penis turns a strange colour," says the doctor, "it's usually because of stress. Have you lost your job recently?"

"Y...

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Mr. Johnson overdosed on Viagra and passed away.

His wife took it really hard.

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Dwayne Johnson paid me to clean up and organize his craft room, but sadly, I lost his scrapbook cutting tool.

I lost the Rock’s paper scissors.

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Mr. Johnson joined a bowling team. "We meet at 8:00 every Saturday morning," said the captain. "Okay," said Mr. Johnson, "but I might be five minutes late for the first game."

That Saturday, Mr. Johnson arrived at exactly 8:00 and bowled a turkey with his right hand. When he left the bowling alley, he said, "Next week, I might be five minutes late."

The next Saturday, Mr. Johnson arrived at exactly 8:00 and bowled a six-pack with his left hand. When he left the bow...

Dwayne Johnson opened a restaurant and was the head chef.

He was making stew one day and asked his assistant for help. He said "Can you move the pot back and forth so the aroma of the stew will waft out of the pot easier?" The assistant looked puzzled and Dwayne Johnson rephrased the question.

"Can you rock what the cook is smelling?"

Boris Johnson just had an argument with the cabinet

Now he's about to go yell at the table

How did Dwayne Johnson's family know they had Covid-19?

They couldn't smell what 'The Rock' was cooking.

Did you see Dwayne The Rock Johnson is recovering from COVID ?

I hear he couldn’t even smell what he was cookin.

-Officer Johnson here...

\-*Officer, go ahead.*

\-We responded to a call about a woman who stabbed his husband 38 times after he walked in on the floor still wet. We're at the location.

\-*Copy, Officer Johnson. Have you arrested the woman yet?*

\-Negative, we're waiting for the floor to dry.

Donald Trump, Boris Johnson and Vladimir Putin go to a bar

Bartender (who is somewhat inexperienced) asks what they want to order.

Putin - "I'll have a V and C."
Bartender - "What's a V and C?"
Putin - "Vodka and Coke."

Johnson - "I'll have a G and T."
Bartender - "What's a G and T?"
Johnson - "Gin and tonic."

Trump - "I'll ...

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Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well," replied the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowned, and...

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Farmer Johnson was caught by his neighbor having sex with his goat.

She called the authorities and had him arrested. Farmer Johnson was very concerned and asked one of his buddies if he knew a good lawyer. The friend said that he knew a lawyer that wasn’t a good trial lawyer, but, he was extremely talented at picking jurors.

On the day of the trial the neighb...

My friend told me they got a high five from Magic Johnson.

"It's pronounced HIV," I said.

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Dwayne Johnson is doing a battle scene for a movie...

When suddenly the villain he is fighting kicks him in the butt.

Dwayne shocked, responds "you've just hit rock's bottom"

On and On

Mr. Johnson told Mary his secretary that he was going on a business trip to Chicago the following day and he wanted her to come with him. They'd be staying there for 2 days.

As soon as she got home, she told her husband Bob about this.
"Honey, my boss asked me to go on a business trip to...

The elderly Mr. Johnson attended church every Sunday ...

And every Sunday one or another of the old ladies of the church would invite him for dinner, and he would always decline.

One Sunday, Mrs. Smith pressed him on the issue. "Wouldn't you like a nice home-cooked meal?" she asked.

"No thanks," he replied.

"What about some of your ...

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Of course trump will challenge the results. He will not take no for an answer.

Just ask Ivana trump, Jill hearth, Jean carrol, summer zervos, alva Johnson, Jessica leeds, Kristen Anderson, Lisa boyne, Cathy heller, temple McDowell, Amy dorris, Karena Virginia, karen Johnson, mindy mcgillivary, Jennifer Murphy, Rachael crooks, Natasha stoynoff, juillet huddy, Jessica drake, nin...

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Some surnames are professions, like Smith. Some refer to ancestors, like Johnson.

Thing is, I’ve never met a Dickin before.

Mr. and Mrs. Johnson, along with Mrs. Johnson's mother, go camping.

One morning when the Johnsons wake up, they notice that Mrs. Johnson's mother isn't in the tent. The look around the campsite, but she isn't there.

The Johnsons look all around the campground for hours, and around noon, find her face-to-face with an 800-pound grizzly bear!

"Quick! Do s...

Yesterday, UK protesters tore down monuments of Boris Johnson and Theresa May

Lawyers assume that they will be charged for a statue-tory crime

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Mr. and Mrs. Johnson wanted to join a very conservative church.

"When was the last time you had sex?" asked the minister.

"Just this morning," said Mr. Johnson.

"At our church," said the minister, "we do not tolerate it when people have sex more than once every three months. Today is May 1st. Please come back by August 1st. If you have not had sex...

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A man is shopping at an adult video store when the cashier tells him, "If you're looking for something extra, check out the room in the back..."

Curious, the man heads to the back of the store and finds a long hallway lined with gloryholes. As soon as he walks in, he hears seductive coos and beckoning comments from behind each wall. Peering into some of the holes, he is surprised to see gorgeous women from all around the world waiting on the...

Robert Mugabe, Donald Trump and Boris Johnson are in a crashing aircraft.

The problem is, there's only one parachute. So Boris says, "Look here chaps, we're all democracies. Why don't we just vote on who gets the parachute?" Donald and Boris agree, and, even though they have limited time, they decide on a ballot system.

They all cast their votes, then Robert opens ...

Who could've expected conservative party member Boris Johnson....

would end up getting a Prince Albert?

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The Gunny's Gun (a military joke)...

U.S. Armed Services recruiting efforts are slipping. They've advertised, offered college money, granted large bonuses to new recruits... all to no avail.

So, the Joint Chiefs of Staff all get together one day at a tavern in Washington D.C. to brainstorm a solution. After many hours of back an...

Donald trump is having tea with the queen in Buckingham palace.

When Trump brings up the topic of telling which politician is intellegent, the queen calls for boris johnson to come into the room. A minute later, Boris opens the door and walks in. The queen asks him, "Your mother has a child that isn't your brothers or your sisters. Who is this?". Boris thinks f...

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L‌‌ittle 8‌‌ y‌‌ear o‌‌ld S‌‌usie i‌‌s i‌‌n h‌‌er b‌‌ack y‌‌ard d‌‌igging a‌‌ h‌‌ole.

Her neighbor Mr. Johnson peeks over the fence and says, "Gee Susie, what's going on?"

Susie says, "I'm digging a hole, it's pretty obvious."

Mr. Johnson asks, "Why are you digging a hole?"

Susie replies, "I'm burying my gold fish."

Mr Johnson laughs and asks, "Why is the ...

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Mr. Johnson was sitting on a plane, waiting for it to take off, when one last person boarded the plane and sat down next to him. Mr. Johnson realized, much to his surprise and delight, that it was social media fitness star Michelle Lewin.

"This is amazing!" he said. "How lucky is it that I sit right next to one of the hottest women on social media?"

"I'm on my way to a fitness conference," said Michelle. "I'm going to tell my fellow women some of my best-kept secrets on getting and staying fit like me."

"Wow!" said Mr. ...

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It was probably my worst moment of judgement, feeling over confident and giving Dwayne Johnson a big ol’ smack on his ass.

I hit Rock bottom.

Mr Johnson walked into a doctor's office and said, "My farts never smell."

"Okay", said the doctor. "Fart for me." So Mr. Johnson gave a very loud fart.

The doctor left the office and came back with a very long pole with a hook on the end.

Mr. Johnson was terrified. "What are you gonna do with that thing?" he asked.

"I'm going to open the window," said...

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Did you hear about the new Will Smith/Dwayne Johnson movie?

They play star-crossed lovers in the 1920s who are both struggling with a crisis of faith at their sexuality. The working title is:

"Dwayne Will Rock Smith's Johnson"

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I just slapped Dwayne Johnson's buttocks....

In other words, I've hit rock bottom......

A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.

After the trial he asked the judge "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?" The judge said that was true.

“Does this also mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.

Wit...

What do you get when you cross Vince Offer and Dwayne Johnson?

A ShamRock

Boris Johnson is sending out 30 million letters...

I hope he’s not licked the envelopes.

Boris Johnson is the proof

That the coronavirus can jump from humans to politicians

Boris Johnson, Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton and Joe Biden are in a plane crash. Who survives?

The world.

Boris Johnson has just tested positive for corona virus.

He’s been placed on the new Dyson ventilator we are pleased to say he’s picking up nicely.

My friend wants to study Dwayne Johnson’s biography and his ancestors....

Is he studying geneaology or geology?

Margaret Thatcher appears to Boris Johnson in a dream...

"Privatise the NHS and paint the Houses of Parliament green!" she says to Johnson



Johnson looks confused; "Why green?"



Thatcher smiles, "I knew you wouldn't object to the first part"

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An orange Johnson

So a guy goes to the doctor because his penis is bright orange.

The doctor examines him and says, "I've never seen anything like this before. Are you under a lot of stress at work?"

The guy says, "No."

The doctor says, "If you don't mind my asking, what do you do for a living?"<...

Dr. Johnson is approached by Ted, a new vampire.

“I just got turned,” Ted tells him. “You gotta help me out. I need blood, and I don’t want to kill anyone.”

Dr. Johnson agrees to help, providing Ted with the blood bags he needs. He refers Ted to counseling to deal with the psychological effects of the change. He even lets Ted crash on his c...

Katherine Johnson was a badass mathematician until her very end...

She waited until she was 101, so that she could die in her prime!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's my cake day, so here's a long one: A mail carrier is being reassigned...

A mailman is being transferred to a new route, so he tells his customers it's his last week. On his last day, at one particular house, he rings the bell to deliver a package and a woman answers the door in a silk robe with a teddy underneath.
"I just want to thank you properly for your service...

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A Men goes to the procotologyst

The man stands in position to be checked and the doctor stands back.

The doctor slaps his patient butt cheeck and says "Relax Smith, stay calm"

- But Doctor, im not Smith, Im Johnson
- I know, Im Smith

What's Boris Johnson's favourite TV show?

Deal or No Deal

-Mr. Johnson this looks great. Your educational is just spot on. You have decent career for this job. And you values seem to alike with our corporation. Lastly i wanna ask, what are some of you weaknesses?

-I am hard boiled liar.

Why didn't Dwayne Johnson's downstairs neighbour recognise him?

Because he's been living under a rock

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Boris Johnson walks into a pub...

Boris Johnson walks into a pub and asks for a pint. The barman draws it & throws it into his face. 'Why did you do that?' 'You asked for a pint, but you didn't say how you wanted it delivered.' Boris: ‘I'll have a pint in a pint glass.' 'No. You can't ask again.' 'Why not?' 'Democracy.'

I heard Dwayne Johnson is filming a movie about retrieving documents from the leader of ancient Rome

It's going to be a Rock, Paper, Caesar's shoot.

When Dwayne Johnson is studying his family history...

Is it called genealogy or geology?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When Borris Johnson and Donald Trump have sex, who’s on top?

Vladimir Putin

Some names make sense. Like "Johnson" was probably given to the son of a guy named "John". Or how someone with the family name "Smith" most likely had some Blacksmiths in the family at some point.

But when someone has the name "Dickinson." I draw the line.

Johnson's plan for Brexit in January leaked:

He'll be on vacation in France.

What's the name of Johnson's dad ?

John





(ok sorry )

A woman was pregnant with triplets

A woman was pregnant with triplets.
She was robbed and shot three times in the stomach. A bullet hit each child. The children were ok and the doctors thought it was more risky to try and remove the bullets than it was to leave them in.
Sixteen years later, the oldest girl came into the room cr...

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Boris Johnson walks into a Bank

He needs to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, could you please cash this cheque for me?"

Cashier: It would be my pleasure. Could you please show me your ID?

BJ: Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Bor...

Make no mistake, Ellen DeGeneres could never take down Dwayne Johnson...

The Rock always beats scissors.

Dr. Parker, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Smith, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Smith gasped, blushed deeply, then said freezingly,
Dr. Parker, I do not think that is a proper question to
ask me, you should be asking a boy. And I assure you my
parents will hear of this." With that she sat down, very
red-faced.

Unperturbed, Dr. Parker called on Miss John...

Boris Johnson's brother Jo Johnson has quit

BoJo lost his BroJo

Dwayne Johnson's mom was going through a really bad time in her life after she spanked her son

She had just hit rock bottom.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

onomastics, the study of names

Names like Johnson, Smithfield or Rodgers are fairly easy to explain.

I wonder how to explain the name: Dickinson

I want to watch the new Dwayne Johnson movie, but also want to watch the new Kevin Hart movie...

I guess you could say I'm caught
between The Rock and a Hart place

I auditioned for the WWE a few years ago

I auditioned for the WWE a few years ago under the wrestling name ‘Paperman’.

I failed to get in though.

At the time Dwayne Johnson was the champion, and the bosses didn’t want me beating him.

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