Howard Jokes

Jesus had 11 guys he could depend on.

A boy, about 9, opened the door.

“Is your mom or dad home?” The farmer asked the boy

“No, they went in to town.” The boy replied

“Well, how about your brother Howard?” The farmer asked

“No, he went with mom and dad.” The boy said

The farmer stood there for a minut... read more

"Our Father, who art in Heaven, Howard be thy name..."

Maybe he should have started with Chris Webber

He had all his ducks in a row.

Leonard only had a penny

In the middle of his trip, he calls his brother Fred to see how the family cat is doing.

“She broke her neck, she’s dead.”, Fred says.

Howard is shocked “Well, you could have told me in a lot easier way. You could have said that she was stuck on the roof and the fire department was g... read more

Why Soy-tainly!

It’s called Opie Delivers.

What do you he doesn't go by "Howard"?! Do you not know "The Lord's Prayer":



*Our Father who art in Heaven*

*Howard be thy name*

...he sat in TWO branches of the federal government.

They sit down at the bar and see people scuba diving on the tv.

"So here's a question" says Howard "How come scuba divers sit on the side of the boat with their oxygen tanks facing outward, and fall backwards off the boat?"

Dale thought for a minute and then said "Thats easy, if they f... read more

I got blocked.

if anyone knew another name for God. She was picturing answers like 'Lord' or 'Almighty'.
After a long moment of silence a little boy raised his hand and said, "Howard." “
Howard?" replied the confused teacher. “

You know," continued the boy, "Howard be thy name."

The only married person was Otis, & he was the town drunk.

Probably not. Opie delivered.

"How long you been wearing that thing?"Frank asks.

"Ever since my wife found them in the glovebox."Howard smugley replied.

Bubba Buford Cletus Hogg died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gates, Saint Peter told him that, because of severe overcrowding, all prospective heavenly souls had to pass an intelligence test to gain admittance. “Are you ready?” St. Peter asked?

Bubba Buford Cletus Hogg shrugge... read more

Who’s there?

Howard.

Howard who?

Howard I know?

..a voice in my head kept saying, "Relax, you're not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients."

But another voice kept saying, "Howard, you're a veterinarian.."

Jim hears his son call his name, so he walks in his sons room. Jim's son, Howard says with a tremble in his voice, "Dad, there's a monster under my bed." Jim unconvinced walks to his son's bed and looks underneath. There he sees his son crying and startled as he whispers, "Dad, there's a monster sle... read more

The day finally arrived: Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forest approaches the gatekeeper.

Saint Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it’s certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inf... read more

The bad news is .... it's Howard Hughes.

A Refund.

*This post is brought to you by "Todd Howard did Nothing Wrong" gang*

So one day ole passed away and arrived at the pearly gates.

Saint Peter said "In order to get into heaven, you have to answer 3 questions. if you correctly answer them, you can enter heaven."

ole said "well alright, whats the first question?"

Peter replied "the first question ... read more

"Hillen, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency! I've just received word thet the Durex fectory en Auckland has burned to the ground. It is istimated thet the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week."

PM: "Shut ... read more

I go over to the man shooting and see he has shot the same precise hole every time.

I see it's Todd Howard, I ask him how he does it.
He says, "It's easy, just do the same thing every time."

He stopped at regular intervals along his wire fence, mumbling to himself.

"Hey Howard, what's up?" His neighbor cruised by on a pickup truck.

"Bill, there's something wrong with my fence." He points to the vertical piece of wood which held up the wire.

"This is exactly identi... read more

“You shouldn’t lean back on your chair you’ll become spastimacated”

“I don’t think that’s how you say it”

“That’s how he says it now”

Credit to Russell Howard

This guy dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter is standing at the gate. He says, "If you can answer these three questions I will let you in to heaven. First, how many seconds are in a year? Second, how many days of the week have a 'T' in them? Third, what is God's first name? You ha... read more

Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz recently said that despite rumors, he is not considering running for president in 2020. He wanted to, but they keep misspelling his name on the banner.