UPJOKE
bryantylercraigdennisdavestevekevinandersondavidronjeffryanharristhompsonjohnson

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Gary and Pete, 2 alcoholics, were lost at sea.

While floating in their small boat, they spotted a bottle on the water.
Gary quickly grabbed the bottle and took out the cork.
To his shock, a genie flew out.
"You have freed me. You may have a wish."
Gary thought hard and pointed at the sea.
"Turn all this water into Guiness."
...

At my boss's funeral kneeling and whispering at the coffin

"Who's thinking outside the box now Gary?"

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Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gary.

The three men had always done everything together!!!!!

Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Darryl said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.”

The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, “Nope, ain’t Bubba.”

The morti...

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My girlfriend just dumped me.

She said in a teary tirade:

“I can’t take your shit any more. You’re such a pedant. Everything I do is wrong. I loved you so much, but it’ll never be enough for you. I’m leaving now. Me and Gary are driving up north through the night and then you’ll never hear from me again”

She was a...

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Gary Delaney

"We found my uncle dead with a belt around his neck and a dildo up his ass.

At the funeral, the preacher said he would be remembered for his charity work.

Wrong."

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Been trying to find the best way to describe my penis...

...I've been thinking long and hard.

Credit: Gary Delaney

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Gary meets a girl at the bar

She agrees to take Gary home for the night. When they arrive Gary admits his secret, he’s a virgin.

Not to embarrass him, she comforts Gary and says she is going to freshen up in the bathroom. While doing that, she suggests Gary go to backyard where there is a tree with a hole in it. She tel...

What's Gary Glitter's favourite key?

A Minor

What's the most important thing when googling Gary Oldman images?

- The 'r'...

Which side of a glass of water does Gary Larson drink from?

Neither! He ordered a cheeseburger!

Once a man met the great chessmaster Gary Kasparov on a plane seat beside him

The grandmaster says "would u like to play a game of chess for a $100 per game?" The man replies "I know who you are mate I would never be able to beat you". Gary thinks a bit and says "I will play with my left hand" the man accepts.


Afterwards when he recites his story to his wife he sa...

When googling Gary Oldman, be very careful....

....I forgot the 'r' and went down a rabbit hole I wasn't prepared for.

Dog attack

A guy limps up to a bar. "What happened to you?" the bartender asks. "On the walk over here I was attacked and bitten on the leg by this giant dog," the guy says. "Oh, no! Imagine if it had been a small child!" the bartender exclaims. "Well, I think I could have fought off a small child, Gary," the...

A Canadian joke..

Three guys are fishing on lake Simcoe, and drinking a bit. After a while they fall asleep in the sun and the booze. After a while they wake up to realize, Bob is missing. "He must have fallen overboard!" Says Joe. "I'll jump in", says Gary.
After a few minutes Gary brings a body up to the boa...

Just Googled “Gary Oldman” and some pretty disturbing images came up…

Then I realised I’d left the “R” out.

Gary kasparov (chess master) was sitting next to me in a plane.

He wanted to play chess with me.
I was like " come on Gary, u r like this world champion player... U will beat me in less than 10 moves. "

Gary replied, " I'll play with my left hand"

" That sounds fair" I said. And we played.
I don't know how but Gary beat me in 7 moves. I was...

Gary Oldman

I Will never ever forget the R next time i wanna google a picture of Gary Oldman ,..............

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One day Gary went into the local tattoo parlor with a somewhat odd request.

He had this great new girlfriend named Wendy , he explained , and while their sex life was dynamite , he was sure it would be even better if he had her name tattooed on his prick . The tattoo artist did her best to dissuade him , pointing out that it would be very painful and that most of the time t...

Gary Oldman has had to drastically change his appearance to star in a biopic about one Britain's electronic music pioneers.

Guess he's going to be a Gary Numan.

Why did Gary Glitter go to Walmart?

Because children’s clothes were half off!

I thought my roommate was joking when he said Gary Oldman was in the Harry Potter movies.

He was dead Sirius.

Third party US presidential candidate Gary Johnson just delivered a crushing blow to the Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton campaigns

By keeping his mouth shut.

Gary and his wife are having hard financial times,

so they decide that she’ll become a lady of the night. She’s not quite sure what to do, because she is new to this, so Gary says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred twenty bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the down the road.” She’s sta...

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One British nurse said to the other...

"You'll never guess who picked up the urine samples today. Gary Oldman, the actor!"

"Really?? Was he dressed like his character from Harry Potter?"

"No, he wasn't Sirius. He was just taking the piss."

Wanna hear a clean joke? Gary took a bath with bubbles.

Wanna hear a dirty joke? Bubbles was his uncle!

I googled Gary Oldman for some info, I was met with some heavily graphic images

My bad, I forgot the 'r'.

Plot devices have Mary Sues, comic books have Gary Stus...

Hollywood has Terry Crews.

I see that Gary Moore didn't get any upvotes.

He's Still Got the Blues.

Gary Johnson

Has won the election.

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On a cold and rainy night

On a cold and rainy night during the era when traveling salesmen still pedaled goods door to door, Gary , a young English wallpaper representative breaks down on an Irish county road .Luckily ,there is a farm house not far from the road .As he is an englishman in Ireland , he cautiously makes his wa...

Mom: Gary, am I a bad parent?

Son: My name is Dave...

Gary: "Doctor, I think I'm losing my memory".

Doctor: "Since when?"

Gary: "Since when what?"

Gary is driving home from work and stops at a red light. At the crossing he sees his mate painted head to toe in green paint carrying a woman on his back.

'Hey Dave, what are you up to'

'Alright, Gary? Just off to a fancy dress party. I'm going as a tortoise'

'So who's that on your back?'

'That's just Michelle'

If you know anyone called Gary, warn them to not go to Budapest

I hear that's where they Hungary.

Why did Gary trade all of his possessions for water?

He wanted to liquidate his assets

The optometrist told me I had Gary Larson disease

I'm farsided

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Knock knock

-Knock knock

-Who's there?

-Grandpa!

-Oh shit, stop the funeral!

(Gary Delaney joke)

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Gary Smith

Gary Smith is employed at a small factory of a huge multinational corporation in the small town of Sandberg near LA. One day, the CEO decides to visit Gary's factory. Huge preparations are made to properly welcome the CEO. At one point, the CEO asks the following question.

'Hey, but where is ...

Service call

My husband works as a service technician for a large exterminating company.

One of the rules of the company is that he has to confirm each appointment by phone the night before his service call to that household.

One evening he made such a call, and when a man answered the phone, he sa...

Three tortoises go for a picnic

Three tortoises, Rodney, Roger and Gary, decide to go on a picnic.
Rodney packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is that the picnic site is 10 miles away. So, it takes them 10 days to get there.
When they get there Rodney unpacks the food and beer.
"Ok Gary give me th...

Charlie Kirk, Ayn Rand and Gary Johnson walk into a bar.

They all die of lead poisoning because there's no goverment to regulate how much lead the barman is allowed to put into his drinks.

I once tried looking for images of Gary Oldman on Google

I had quite a shock when I realised I had forgotten the 'r' in Gary

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Before the emcee was about to give his speech he noticed there were way more people in the hall than invitations that went out.

He decided to play it smart. He took the Mic and announced “Okay. So now we're gonna play a little game between the bride's and the groom's side. I request the bride's relatives to come to the left of the party hall, and those of the groom to the right.”

The orders were followed by the ‘well-...

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My grief councillor died recently

Thankfully he was so good that I don't give a shit

EDIT: *Counselor, I can't spell it would seem

EDIT 2: Credit to Gary Delaney, for this is one of his one liners. Credit to the redditors who pointed it out

I made a terrible mistake when I searched for Gary Oldman on Google.

I forgot the R

Why did Gary Larson cross the road?

... to get to the far side.

Gary Johnson is at a fundraiser

Gary Johnson is at a fundraiser for the upcoming election. Worn out from being in the spotlight, he propositions a hooker and heads to a hotel room. Once inside, they rip their clothes off and start making out. She throws him on the bed and seductively asks "Do you enjoy felacio?" He looks at her wi...

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My grief counsellor died the other day..

But he was so good I didn’t give a shit.

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I was watching the news this morning when the presenter said..

"A man has been arrested after half a million indecent images of children were found at his home in Bradford. Our reporter Gary O'Donoghue has more."

Gary, you filthy bastard.

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It was the 50th wedding anniversary between Mary and Gary.

Because of this special occasion, Mary thought that she will prepare nice dinner for her beloved one. She made his favourite soup and second course that they were eating on their first date. Evening comes, candles are burning and smooth jazz is playing in the background. They are looking into each o...

I googled 'Gary Oldman' and left off the 'r'

It was the longest 3 hours of my life.

I am trying

Hey there i am not a funny person but here is a joke

Did you ever heard the legend of gary, it is very legendary.

Apparently Gary Glitter is applying for the Villa manager's job...

after hearing the strikers were Bent, Young and possibly Keane

John was unable to choose between two girls...

So he asked his friend Gary for help deciding which girl to be with.

John: I'm devoted to Kate but Edith is my dream girl, she's all I've ever wanted.

Gary: Then you should be with Edith.

John: But I love Kate and could never leave her...

Gary: Then you should stay with K...

A man is away on vacation and phones his brother to see how things are at home.

\-Hi Gary, how's everything going?

\-Oh, not so good. To start your cat died and...

\-Hold on a sec, Gary. You don't ruin someone's vacation and give bad news just like that. You have to be subtle. You could've just said "Oh, the cat's up on the roof right now" or something, so I do...

Little Timmy saw his dad drive by...

It's a sunny day, and little Timmy was outside playing by himself, when he saw his dad drive by with Aunt Karen in the passenger seat. They drive off into the woods nearby, and little Timmy runs after them to see what's going on. Upon learning what it is dad and Aunt Karen is doing out in the woods ...

Gary Coleman just died. Life is short.

He died of multiple aneurysms. Different Strokes.

I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target.

tldr, I'm covering for Gary this weekend.

I still think it was a missed opportunity that Minnie Driver wasn’t in the remake of The Italian Job.

Joke from Gary Delaney's standup

I accidentally typed my symptoms into IMDB instead of WebMD

and found out I have Gary Busey

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My girlfriend's ass is like a peach.

It's hairy and makes a horrible yogurt.



\- Gary Delaney

Bought some gary speed wallpaper last night, its amazing!

it hung itself!

A couple of years ago Barry went hiking across Europe

But as time passed by he never returned home. His many friends tried contacting him in any way they could imagine, but his phone was disconnected, he wasn't active on his social media accounts anymore - it was like he disappeared off the face of the Earth.

Ultimately, everyone had forgotten a...

I accidentally filled the escort up with diesel

She died.



Posting my favourite Gary Delaney joke on my cake day.

50 percent of people who buy tickets to see The Cure actually end up watching Placebo

And they enjoy it just as much.


(It's a Gary Delaney, for anyone who's interested)

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I went to the Premature Ejaculators Anonymous support group today.

Turns out it's tomorrow.

Edit: A few of you started laughing before the end of that joke.



*Credit: Gary Delaney*

My girlfriend's dog died, so to cheer her up, I got her an identical one. She was livid.

"What am I going to do with two dead dogs?"

([Gary Delaney](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=glPYI_g_kf4))

The curse of the coffin

Three men, Gary, Dan, and Job, grew up together as best friends. They dreamed of one day becoming rich and would do anything to attain wealth. One day, as they were sitting in the local bar, they overheard another group of men discussing the long lost buried treasure of Captain Sleazybeard. The thre...

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It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro, the son of Mexican immigrants, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' "

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up.

"Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good! Who said "Government of the people, by the people, for the p...

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So a girl browses for guys to date on a website

She demands three things: that he must never hurt her, that he will never run away, and that he must be very good in bed.

A while later, her doorbell rings and she answers the door. To her surprise, it was a man with no arms, no legs, just like Nick Vujicic.

He introduces himself: "Hi,...

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Mental hospital

A nurse at a mental hospital checks in a room to find patient Bob pretending to drive a car.

- Bob, what are you doing?
Asked the nurse curiously.

- I'm on a road trip to Canada.
Bob replied.

The nurse wishes him a pleasant journey and proceeds to patient Gary's cell to ...

A wife was dying.

A wife was dying. She called her husband and said, "Gary, I've been unfaithful."

Gary answered, "I know. That's why I poisoned you."

[At a wedding] Priest: Repeat after me...

Groom: After me.

Priest, to bride: Is he serious?

Bride: No, his name is Gary.

I recently bought a Christmas Tree. The guy I bought it from asked "Are you gonna put it up yourself?"

I said, "No, I was thinking in the living room"

- Gary Delaney

Did you know that the seven main characters on SpongeBob SquarePants represent the seven deadly sins?

SpongeBob:

Patrick:

Squidward:

Sandy:

Plankton:

Gary:

Mr. Krabs: Lust, sloth, wrath, pride, envy, gluttony, and greed

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Two elves walk into Santa's office.

Santa looks up and says, "Gary, Larry, how can I help you?" Gary and Larry look at each other, then turn to Santa.
"Santa", Gary says, "Are there any elf nuns in the workshop?" Santa checks a list and says, "No, I'm sorry but there are no elf nuns in the workshop."
Gary asks, "Well Santa, ...

My Grandad asked me how to print. I said "Control P"

He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"



*Credit: Gary Delaney.*

A guy goes to hell...

And as Satan is walking him through, they go through a room with a bunch of clocks on the wall.

“What are these for?” The man asks.

“These are the lives of politicians, every time they tell a lie, the clock ticks back,” Satan Replies.

“See,” Satan says, “There’s Gary Johnson’s”...

There have been a lot of layoffs at work

So, to help with moral, our boss suggested a themed costume party at work. The theme he decided on was “feelings” and I got a big of smilie face costume.

I thought it was going to be lame but it was a huge success and a lot my co-workers got into it. Someone was a glowing red angry face, the...

ME [a detective]: The victim has 2 puncture wounds on his neck. He was obviously bitten by a vampire.

######OTHER DETECTIVE [Holding up bloody BBQ fork]:
I think he was stabbed with this.

**ME [Pinching bridge of nose]:** Gary… why would a vampire use a BBQ fork?

Bills to pay

Frank and Gary are getting off work on Friday evening, and Gary says, "Hey Frank, I'm going drinking with a buddy. You should join us!'

Frank hesitates a moment, and says, "don't think I should. I've got bills to pay."

Next Friday rolls around and Gary says to Frank, "Hey Frank, you sh...

X-men interview

Professor X: what's your superpower?

Me: I always get ignored

Gary: I can beat anyone by snapping my fingers

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Logic at the Community College

Looking for a little knowledge, Jimmy walks into his local community college and asks the admissions clerk on duty what classes are being offered. The clerk tells Jimmy there is a logic course starting up soon.
"Logic?" Asks Jimmy, "what's that?"
"Logic is real easy, let me explain it this way...

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I nearly lost my job as a roofer when I was caught masturbating on the first day

Luckily, my boss said I could wipe the slate clean. Credit: Gary Delaney

Everyone knows how Bert the Brown Nose reindeer got his name, but nobody knows how Rudolph did

Rudolph the regular nose reindeer was on sabbatical and took a brief trip through Portland Maine.

While Rudolph and his life partner Gary were there, they spotted a fortune teller on the other side of the street. As the pair crossed the road, a truck carrying industrial red naval paint swerv...

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