Gary kasparov (chess master) was sitting next to me in a plane.

He wanted to play chess with me.
I was like " come on Gary, u r like this world champion player... U will beat me in less than 10 moves. "

Gary replied, " I'll play with my left hand"

" That sounds fair" I said. And we played.
I don't know how but Gary beat me in 7 moves. I was...

I accidentally typed my symptoms into IMDB instead of WebMD

and found out I have Gary Busey

Gary and his wife are having hard financial times,

so they decide that she’ll become a lady of the night. She’s not quite sure what to do, because she is new to this, so Gary says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred twenty bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the down the road.” She’s sta...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was watching the news this morning when the presenter said..

"A man has been arrested after half a million indecent images of children were found at his home in Bradford. Our reporter Gary O'Donoghue has more."

Gary, you filthy bastard.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My grief councillor died recently

Thankfully he was so good that I don't give a shit

EDIT: *Counselor, I can't spell it would seem

EDIT 2: Credit to Gary Delaney, for this is one of his one liners. Credit to the redditors who pointed it out

Charlie Kirk, Ayn Rand and Gary Johnson walk into a bar.

They all die of lead poisoning because there's no goverment to regulate how much lead the barman is allowed to put into his drinks.

Was doing an image search for Gary Oldman

Accidentally forgot the R. Results were hairy.

If you know anyone called Gary, warn them to not go to Budapest

I hear that's where they Hungary.

Little Timmy saw his dad drive by...

It's a sunny day, and little Timmy was outside playing by himself, when he saw his dad drive by with Aunt Karen in the passenger seat. They drive off into the woods nearby, and little Timmy runs after them to see what's going on. Upon learning what it is dad and Aunt Karen is doing out in the woods ...

I see that Gary Moore didn't get any upvotes.

He's Still Got the Blues.

I googled Gary Oldman for some info, I was met with some heavily graphic images

My bad, I forgot the 'r'.

Mom: Gary, am I a bad parent?

Son: My name is Dave...

What did Gary Numan want to be when he grew up?

Gary Oldman

Why did Gary trade all of his possessions for water?

He wanted to liquidate his assets

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My grief counsellor died the other day..

But he was so good I didn’t give a shit.

Third party US presidential candidate Gary Johnson just delivered a crushing blow to the Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton campaigns

By keeping his mouth shut.

The optometrist told me I had Gary Larson disease

I'm farsided

Gary Johnson

Has won the election.

Why did Gary Larson cross the road?

... to get to the far side.

I once tried looking for images of Gary Oldman on Google

I had quite a shock when I realised I had forgotten the 'r' in Gary

I thought my roommate was joking when he said Gary Oldman was in the Harry Potter movies.

He was dead Sirius.

Gary: "Doctor, I think I'm losing my memory".

Doctor: "Since when?"

Gary: "Since when what?"

Gary Johnson is at a fundraiser

Gary Johnson is at a fundraiser for the upcoming election. Worn out from being in the spotlight, he propositions a hooker and heads to a hotel room. Once inside, they rip their clothes off and start making out. She throws him on the bed and seductively asks "Do you enjoy felacio?" He looks at her wi...

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Gary and the Parrot.

Gary owns a pet shop. One day a customer by the name Stacy walks in and is looking around and fancies a parrot. Looking at this Gary says, that the parrot can talk fluently.

Stacy: What do you think about me dear parrot?
Parrot: Stacy, You are one big Slut.

Stacy and Gary are shocke...

Gary Coleman just died. Life is short.

He died of multiple aneurysms. Different Strokes.

I recently bought a Christmas Tree. The guy I bought it from asked "Are you gonna put it up yourself?"

I said, "No, I was thinking in the living room"

- Gary Delaney

I googled 'Gary Oldman' and left off the 'r'

It was the longest 3 hours of my life.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If you ever Google "Gary Oldman"

For fuck sakes don't forget the "r" in Gary!!!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Gary Smith

Gary Smith is employed at a small factory of a huge multinational corporation in the small town of Sandberg near LA. One day, the CEO decides to visit Gary's factory. Huge preparations are made to properly welcome the CEO. At one point, the CEO asks the following question.

'Hey, but where is ...

I made a terrible mistake when I searched for Gary Oldman on Google.

I forgot the R

Why did Ash Ketchum enter a singing competition?

He heard there would be Gary-oake.

When searching for Gary Oldman on google images

Make damn sure you dont miss that r...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was watching a weird porn

I watching a weird porn the other day. It was just a fat man crying and wanking at the same time. Then realized I hadn't turned the TV on.

(Credit to Gary Delaney)

Apparently Gary Glitter is applying for the Villa manager's job...

after hearing the strikers were Bent, Young and possibly Keane

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

BUBBA died in a FIRE!!

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gary.

The three men had always done everything together!!!!!

Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet D...

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I stormed into the boss's office and demanded to know why I had been overlooked for the position of Head of Accounting...

He shot back, "Because you're the fucking janitor, Gary."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It was the 50th wedding anniversary between Mary and Gary.

Because of this special occasion, Mary thought that she will prepare nice dinner for her beloved one. She made his favourite soup and second course that they were eating on their first date. Evening comes, candles are burning and smooth jazz is playing in the background. They are looking into each o...

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It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro, the son of Mexican immigrants, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' "

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up.

"Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good! Who said "Government of the people, by the people, for the p...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The couple next door have just made a sex tape...

...obviously, they don’t know that yet.



- Gary Delaney

John was unable to choose between 2 girls

John was unable to choose between 2 girls, so he asked his friend Gary for help deciding which girl to be with.

John: I'm devoted to Kate but Edith is my dream girl, she's all I've ever wanted.

Gary: Then you should be with Edith.

John: But I love Kate and could never leave her....

THE ETERNAL OPTIMIST

Three friends had a good friend named Joe and he was, naturally, an eternal optimist. At every bad situation he would always say ''It could have been worse.'' His friends hated that quality about him, so they came up with a story so horrible that not even Joe could come up with a bright side.
...

Bills to pay

Frank and Gary are getting off work on Friday evening, and Gary says, "Hey Frank, I'm going drinking with a buddy. You should join us!'

Frank hesitates a moment, and says, "don't think I should. I've got bills to pay."

Next Friday rolls around and Gary says to Frank, "Hey Frank, you sh...

Tractor Fan

I once had a friend named Gary. Gary loved tractors. He spent his whole childhood on tractors, cleaning them driving them and even fixing them. But once, when Gary turned 16 he was driving his new tractor that stalled, throwing him into the air, breaking his leg. He was devastated. Since that day he...

Kisses beat snores...every time

Three guys were at a deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room.


No one wanted to room with Steve because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first night, John slept in Steven’s room and c...

A guy goes to hell...

And as Satan is walking him through, they go through a room with a bunch of clocks on the wall.

“What are these for?” The man asks.

“These are the lives of politicians, every time they tell a lie, the clock ticks back,” Satan Replies.

“See,” Satan says, “There’s Gary Johnson’s”...

Two guys are fishing

Tom asks Gary for a light.

Gary pulls out a giant bic lighter.

Whoa says Tom where'd you get that lighter?

I have a genie Gary says.

What! You have a genie Tom says excited, man can I have one wish please.

Gary smiles and says you have to ask my genie and he su...

The curse of the coffin

Three men, Gary, Dan, and Job, grew up together as best friends. They dreamed of one day becoming rich and would do anything to attain wealth. One day, as they were sitting in the local bar, they overheard another group of men discussing the long lost buried treasure of Captain Sleazybeard. The thre...

Steven Spielberg's Next Movie

Steven Spielberg decides that he wants to make a movie about famous composers. He puts out a casting call.

Tom Hulce walks in first and says, "I played Mozart in Amadeus, and would love to play him again."

Next, Gary Oldman calls. "I was Beethoven in Immortal Beloved, so I already have...

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A friendly fishing trip.

Dave is an avid fisherman, one day Gary, an openly gay friend of Dave's, invited Dave on a week long fishing trip that he was planning with a group of other friends.
Dave was reluctant to go for such a long time with people he didn't know, but his love of fishing and Gary's friendly encourageme...

What do you call Pokemon sing alongs?

Gary-oake.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Motorcycle and a jar of Vaseline

Don buys a new motorcycle and before he leaves the seller gives him a jar of Vaseline and tells him to coat the bike with it before it rains to prevent rusting.

Don takes off and and picks up his girlfriend, Susan, and they head to her parents house for dinner. Before they go inside the hous...

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Two elves walk into Santa's office.

Santa looks up and says, "Gary, Larry, how can I help you?" Gary and Larry look at each other, then turn to Santa.
"Santa", Gary says, "Are there any elf nuns in the workshop?" Santa checks a list and says, "No, I'm sorry but there are no elf nuns in the workshop."
Gary asks, "Well Santa, ...

My girlfriend's dog died, so to cheer her up, I got her an identical one. She was livid.

"What am I going to do with two dead dogs?"

([Gary Delaney](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=glPYI_g_kf4))

An old man was at the doctor's office for his annual checkups and tests.

Gary was sitting alone and patiently waiting for his test results. He was just checking his watch when the doctor returned.


"Gary, I've got some bad news and I've got some *really* bad news," said the doctor as he walked in.


"Just hit me with the worst first doc, I can take it...

Two Irish woodsmen are looking for a job.

"Look here Gary. It says, 'Builders wanted'. But we're not builders!"
"What about that one?"
"It says, 'Looking for Painters'."
"But we don't paint!"
"Times are tough eh? Here's one last job offer; it says, 'Looking for Tree Fellers'."
"But, there's only two of us!"

The worst thing about living next door to MC Hammer is the constant DIY noise.

I shouted 'Stop!' but if anything that made it worse.

(Gary Delaney)

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Logic at the Community College

Looking for a little knowledge, Jimmy walks into his local community college and asks the admissions clerk on duty what classes are being offered. The clerk tells Jimmy there is a logic course starting up soon.
"Logic?" Asks Jimmy, "what's that?"
"Logic is real easy, let me explain it this way...

As a family we couldn't decide whether to have grandma buried or cremated

So in the end, we let her live.

(Gary Delaney)

Dave drowned

So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. It's what he would have wanted.

(Gary Delaney)

Mary goes to the supermarket...

Mary goes to the supermarket, needing eggs and bread. She is particularly fond of potato bread, but she can't reach it, as it is stocked on the top shelf. She sees a taller woman and asks for assistance. The other woman, happy to help, reaches up and grabs the potato bread and hands it to Mary.
<...

A wife was dying.

A wife was dying. She called her husband and said, "Gary, I've been unfaithful."

Gary answered, "I know. That's why I poisoned you."

A man and his wife were debating

A man and his wife were debating whether it was time to start a family when they saw a couple with cute kids, splashing and giggling in a paddling pool.
The husband looks at the wife and said: " Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
The wife smiled and said: "Yes, G...

The R saved his life...

his name was, Gary Pedro Crock.

Wilson Nails

There's a man named Wilson who owns a nail company, Wilson Nails. Business had been slow lately, so Wilson figures he might want to try putting out a television commercial to drum up some business.

He goes to an advertising agency and meets a man named Gary who assures him he can make the per...

Signalman

Gary wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector puts this question to him: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?"

Gary says, "I would switch the points for o...

As a child I was made to walk the plank.

We couldn't afford a dog.

Courtesy of Gary Delaney

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The wife wants to surprise her husband on his birthday

She wants to take him to a strip club, since poor Gary has been working a lot lately, and has always been faithful to her so far, so he really deserves it.

The big day arrives. They get out of the taxi at the strip club and the bouncer waves at them happily.

'Hey Gary, how y'doing mate...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"Knok Knock "

-"Knok Knock."
="Who's there ?"
-"Grandad"
="Shit, stop the funeral"

credit: Gary Delaney

A village of glass houses...

There once was a village in the middle of a vast open field. The village had survived for centuries based on their tradition and culture. This consisted of specific dances and celebrations, body paint, and the most noticeable and apparent: the use of glass buildings and structures. The people who li...

Want to know where to find the worst pun in Alberta?

Call gary

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

At the Funeral

3 gay men died and were all cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral at the same time.

They started discussing what to do with their lover's ashes. The first guy says:

"Gary loved to fly. I'm going to go up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky."

The second guy...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Round-up of the top ten one-liner jokes at this year's Edinburgh Fringe Festival. The first one will only be understood by Britons, but there are good ones after that.

1. Rob Auton - "I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa."

2. Alex Horne - "I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying."

3. Alfie Moore - "I'm in a same-sex marriage... the sex is always the same."

4. ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Some strangers sit at the bar

Some strangers sit at the bar. One guy says, "My name is Larry, and I am a SNAG."

Another guy asks, "What's that?"

The first guy says, "I am a Single, New Age Guy."

Another guy says, "My name is Gary, and I am a DINK."

A lady asks, "What's that?"

He says, "Double I...

A man comes home from work...

...and walks upstairs to find his wife flushed, naked and panting on his bed. Bewildered he asks "What's going on?!"

"I think... I'm having... a heartattack!" she replies. In a panic the man runs downstairs to call an ambulance.

When he put down the phone is son is right next to him. "...

Woman buys parrot

A woman walks into a pet store, and is perusing through the various animals when she comes across one of the most beautiful parrots she has ever seen. She's taken aback by the tropical beauty of this bird, and when she looks on the price tag on the cage it says 50$. The woman turns to the man at the...

Emergency Landing:

Gary thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on...

*to copilot* STOP CRYING, GARY WILL HELP

Here's hoping 2013 is the year in which I finally fix the bugs in my new time machine.

-garyDelaney

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Cannibal's Challenge

Three men were shipwrecked and stranded on an island. They were captured by the indigenous people who tell them, "Go out into the jungle and bring back ten pieces of fruit or we will kill you and eat you." They all set out to find fruit. The first guy gets back with ten apples. The cannibals tell hi...

Country boys learn the ways of the world

One fine night, hot blonde Gina has her car break down on a lonely highway. Since no mechanic is in sight, and no car seems to pass by to ask for a lift, she knocks at the door of the nearest house she can find. She's greeted by an unwilling old man. She explains her situation to him, saying that sh...

What do you want to be when you graduate high school?

"No more than 25" from Gary Muledeer