What's Gary Glitter's favourite key?

A Minor

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Gary and Pete, 2 alcoholics, were lost at sea.

While floating in their small boat, they spotted a bottle on the water.
Gary quickly grabbed the bottle and took out the cork.
To his shock, a genie flew out.
"You have freed me. You may have a wish."
Gary thought hard and pointed at the sea.
"Turn all this water into Guiness."
...

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Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gary.

The three men had always done everything together!!!!!

Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Darryl said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.”

The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, “Nope, ain’t Bubba.”

The morti...

When googling Gary Oldman, be very careful....

....I forgot the 'r' and went down a rabbit hole I wasn't prepared for.

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Gary meets a girl at the bar

She agrees to take Gary home for the night. When they arrive Gary admits his secret, he’s a virgin.

Not to embarrass him, she comforts Gary and says she is going to freshen up in the bathroom. While doing that, she suggests Gary go to backyard where there is a tree with a hole in it. She tel...

Three tortoises go for a picnic

Three tortoises, Rodney, Roger and Gary, decide to go on a picnic.
Rodney packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is that the picnic site is 10 miles away. So, it takes them 10 days to get there.
When they get there Rodney unpacks the food and beer.
"Ok Gary give me th...

I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target.

tldr, I'm covering for Gary this weekend.

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One day Gary went into the local tattoo parlor with a somewhat odd request.

He had this great new girlfriend named Wendy , he explained , and while their sex life was dynamite , he was sure it would be even better if he had her name tattooed on his prick . The tattoo artist did her best to dissuade him , pointing out that it would be very painful and that most of the time t...

Gary Oldman

I Will never ever forget the R next time i wanna google a picture of Gary Oldman ,..............

Why did Gary Glitter go to Walmart?

Because children’s clothes were half off!

Gary Oldman has had to drastically change his appearance to star in a biopic about one Britain's electronic music pioneers.

Guess he's going to be a Gary Numan.

Just Googled “Gary Oldman” and some pretty disturbing images came up…

Then I realised I’d left the “R” out.

Gary kasparov (chess master) was sitting next to me in a plane.

He wanted to play chess with me.
I was like " come on Gary, u r like this world champion player... U will beat me in less than 10 moves. "

Gary replied, " I'll play with my left hand"

" That sounds fair" I said. And we played.
I don't know how but Gary beat me in 7 moves. I was...

So Gary goes to prison...

One Friday, Gary is walking around the courtyard checking the place out, he notices a a huge group of the inmates gathered around in a circle. Curious, he walks up to group and asks someone what's happening.

"Every Friday we get together and tell jokes. We've got some good ones. Check it out...

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My girlfriend's ass is like a peach.

It's hairy and makes a horrible yogurt.



\- Gary Delaney

A couple of years ago Barry went hiking across Europe

But as time passed by he never returned home. His many friends tried contacting him in any way they could imagine, but his phone was disconnected, he wasn't active on his social media accounts anymore - it was like he disappeared off the face of the Earth.

Ultimately, everyone had forgotten a...

Plot devices have Mary Sues, comic books have Gary Stus...

Hollywood has Terry Crews.

I accidentally filled the escort up with diesel

She died.



Posting my favourite Gary Delaney joke on my cake day.

I thought my roommate was joking when he said Gary Oldman was in the Harry Potter movies.

He was dead Sirius.

Third party US presidential candidate Gary Johnson just delivered a crushing blow to the Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton campaigns

By keeping his mouth shut.

Gary Johnson

Has won the election.

Gary and his wife are having hard financial times,

so they decide that she’ll become a lady of the night. She’s not quite sure what to do, because she is new to this, so Gary says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred twenty bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the down the road.” She’s sta...

I googled Gary Oldman for some info, I was met with some heavily graphic images

My bad, I forgot the 'r'.

If you know anyone called Gary, warn them to not go to Budapest

I hear that's where they Hungary.

I see that Gary Moore didn't get any upvotes.

He's Still Got the Blues.

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My grief counsellor died the other day..

But he was so good I didn’t give a shit.

Mom: Gary, am I a bad parent?

Son: My name is Dave...

A man is away on vacation and phones his brother to see how things are at home.

\-Hi Gary, how's everything going?

\-Oh, not so good. To start your cat died and...

\-Hold on a sec, Gary. You don't ruin someone's vacation and give bad news just like that. You have to be subtle. You could've just said "Oh, the cat's up on the roof right now" or something, so I do...

Gary: "Doctor, I think I'm losing my memory".

Doctor: "Since when?"

Gary: "Since when what?"

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Gary Smith

Gary Smith is employed at a small factory of a huge multinational corporation in the small town of Sandberg near LA. One day, the CEO decides to visit Gary's factory. Huge preparations are made to properly welcome the CEO. At one point, the CEO asks the following question.

'Hey, but where is ...

Charlie Kirk, Ayn Rand and Gary Johnson walk into a bar.

They all die of lead poisoning because there's no goverment to regulate how much lead the barman is allowed to put into his drinks.

Did you know that the seven main characters on SpongeBob SquarePants represent the seven deadly sins?

SpongeBob:

Patrick:

Squidward:

Sandy:

Plankton:

Gary:

Mr. Krabs: Lust, sloth, wrath, pride, envy, gluttony, and greed

The optometrist told me I had Gary Larson disease

I'm farsided

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My grief councillor died recently

Thankfully he was so good that I don't give a shit

EDIT: *Counselor, I can't spell it would seem

EDIT 2: Credit to Gary Delaney, for this is one of his one liners. Credit to the redditors who pointed it out

I once tried looking for images of Gary Oldman on Google

I had quite a shock when I realised I had forgotten the 'r' in Gary

Why did Gary Larson cross the road?

... to get to the far side.

Little Timmy saw his dad drive by...

It's a sunny day, and little Timmy was outside playing by himself, when he saw his dad drive by with Aunt Karen in the passenger seat. They drive off into the woods nearby, and little Timmy runs after them to see what's going on. Upon learning what it is dad and Aunt Karen is doing out in the woods ...

Gary Johnson is at a fundraiser

Gary Johnson is at a fundraiser for the upcoming election. Worn out from being in the spotlight, he propositions a hooker and heads to a hotel room. Once inside, they rip their clothes off and start making out. She throws him on the bed and seductively asks "Do you enjoy felacio?" He looks at her wi...

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I was watching the news this morning when the presenter said..

"A man has been arrested after half a million indecent images of children were found at his home in Bradford. Our reporter Gary O'Donoghue has more."

Gary, you filthy bastard.

I made a terrible mistake when I searched for Gary Oldman on Google.

I forgot the R

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Mental hospital

A nurse at a mental hospital checks in a room to find patient Bob pretending to drive a car.

- Bob, what are you doing?
Asked the nurse curiously.

- I'm on a road trip to Canada.
Bob replied.

The nurse wishes him a pleasant journey and proceeds to patient Gary's cell to ...

I googled 'Gary Oldman' and left off the 'r'

It was the longest 3 hours of my life.

I accidentally typed my symptoms into IMDB instead of WebMD

and found out I have Gary Busey

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It was the 50th wedding anniversary between Mary and Gary.

Because of this special occasion, Mary thought that she will prepare nice dinner for her beloved one. She made his favourite soup and second course that they were eating on their first date. Evening comes, candles are burning and smooth jazz is playing in the background. They are looking into each o...

John was unable to choose between two girls...

So he asked his friend Gary for help deciding which girl to be with.

John: I'm devoted to Kate but Edith is my dream girl, she's all I've ever wanted.

Gary: Then you should be with Edith.

John: But I love Kate and could never leave her...

Gary: Then you should stay with K...

Gary Coleman just died. Life is short.

He died of multiple aneurysms. Different Strokes.

When searching for Gary Oldman on google images

Make damn sure you dont miss that r...

Apparently Gary Glitter is applying for the Villa manager's job...

after hearing the strikers were Bent, Young and possibly Keane

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Gary and Frank have been drinking...

Gary and Frank have been drinking most of the day and all evening in the local bar. Gary slides gingerly off his barstool and announces, “I gotta go to the bathroom.” Frank slowly turns and looks at Gary and says, “Go for me too while you’re in there.” Gary slowly nods and carefully picks his way ba...

[At a wedding] Priest: Repeat after me...

Groom: After me.

Priest, to bride: Is he serious?

Bride: No, his name is Gary.

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I went to the Premature Ejaculators Anonymous support group today.

Turns out it's tomorrow.

Edit: A few of you started laughing before the end of that joke.



*Credit: Gary Delaney*

My Grandad asked me how to print. I said "Control P"

He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"



*Credit: Gary Delaney.*

ME [a detective]: The victim has 2 puncture wounds on his neck. He was obviously bitten by a vampire.

######OTHER DETECTIVE [Holding up bloody BBQ fork]:
I think he was stabbed with this.

**ME [Pinching bridge of nose]:** Gary… why would a vampire use a BBQ fork?

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It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro, the son of Mexican immigrants, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' "

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up.

"Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good! Who said "Government of the people, by the people, for the p...

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I nearly lost my job as a roofer when I was caught masturbating on the first day

Luckily, my boss said I could wipe the slate clean. Credit: Gary Delaney

Everyone knows how Bert the Brown Nose reindeer got his name, but nobody knows how Rudolph did

Rudolph the regular nose reindeer was on sabbatical and took a brief trip through Portland Maine.

While Rudolph and his life partner Gary were there, they spotted a fortune teller on the other side of the street. As the pair crossed the road, a truck carrying industrial red naval paint swerv...

I recently bought a Christmas Tree. The guy I bought it from asked "Are you gonna put it up yourself?"

I said, "No, I was thinking in the living room"

- Gary Delaney

The curse of the coffin

Three men, Gary, Dan, and Job, grew up together as best friends. They dreamed of one day becoming rich and would do anything to attain wealth. One day, as they were sitting in the local bar, they overheard another group of men discussing the long lost buried treasure of Captain Sleazybeard. The thre...

My girlfriend's dog died, so to cheer her up, I got her an identical one. She was livid.

"What am I going to do with two dead dogs?"

([Gary Delaney](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=glPYI_g_kf4))

I saw people collecting for Parkinson's and they were shaking tins which I thought was insensitive.

-Gary Delaney-

There have been a lot of layoffs at work

So, to help with moral, our boss suggested a themed costume party at work. The theme he decided on was “feelings” and I got a big of smilie face costume.

I thought it was going to be lame but it was a huge success and a lot my co-workers got into it. Someone was a glowing red angry face, the...

A guy goes to hell...

And as Satan is walking him through, they go through a room with a bunch of clocks on the wall.

“What are these for?” The man asks.

“These are the lives of politicians, every time they tell a lie, the clock ticks back,” Satan Replies.

“See,” Satan says, “There’s Gary Johnson’s”...

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Two elves walk into Santa's office.

Santa looks up and says, "Gary, Larry, how can I help you?" Gary and Larry look at each other, then turn to Santa.
"Santa", Gary says, "Are there any elf nuns in the workshop?" Santa checks a list and says, "No, I'm sorry but there are no elf nuns in the workshop."
Gary asks, "Well Santa, ...

A wife was dying.

A wife was dying. She called her husband and said, "Gary, I've been unfaithful."

Gary answered, "I know. That's why I poisoned you."

I’ve been asked if I want to go for a weekend away to a Central European country by a guy at work.

Hungary?

No, Dave the cleaner. Gary is married.

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I was watching a weird porn

I watching a weird porn the other day. It was just a fat man crying and wanking at the same time. Then realized I hadn't turned the TV on.

(Credit to Gary Delaney)

Why did Ash Ketchum enter a singing competition?

He heard there would be Gary-oake.

Bills to pay

Frank and Gary are getting off work on Friday evening, and Gary says, "Hey Frank, I'm going drinking with a buddy. You should join us!'

Frank hesitates a moment, and says, "don't think I should. I've got bills to pay."

Next Friday rolls around and Gary says to Frank, "Hey Frank, you sh...

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The couple next door have just made a sex tape...

...obviously, they don’t know that yet.



- Gary Delaney

Steven Spielberg's Next Movie

Steven Spielberg decides that he wants to make a movie about famous composers. He puts out a casting call.

Tom Hulce walks in first and says, "I played Mozart in Amadeus, and would love to play him again."

Next, Gary Oldman calls. "I was Beethoven in Immortal Beloved, so I already have...

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Logic at the Community College

Looking for a little knowledge, Jimmy walks into his local community college and asks the admissions clerk on duty what classes are being offered. The clerk tells Jimmy there is a logic course starting up soon.
"Logic?" Asks Jimmy, "what's that?"
"Logic is real easy, let me explain it this way...

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A Motorcycle and a jar of Vaseline

Don buys a new motorcycle and before he leaves the seller gives him a jar of Vaseline and tells him to coat the bike with it before it rains to prevent rusting.

Don takes off and and picks up his girlfriend, Susan, and they head to her parents house for dinner. Before they go inside the hous...

Kisses beat snores...every time

Three guys were at a deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room.


No one wanted to room with Steve because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first night, John slept in Steven’s room and c...

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I stormed into the boss's office and demanded to know why I had been overlooked for the position of Head of Accounting...

He shot back, "Because you're the fucking janitor, Gary."

As a child I was made to walk the plank.

We couldn't afford a dog.

Courtesy of Gary Delaney

Dave drowned

So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. It's what he would have wanted.

(Gary Delaney)

The worst thing about living next door to MC Hammer is the constant DIY noise.

I shouted 'Stop!' but if anything that made it worse.

(Gary Delaney)

Tractor Fan

I once had a friend named Gary. Gary loved tractors. He spent his whole childhood on tractors, cleaning them driving them and even fixing them. But once, when Gary turned 16 he was driving his new tractor that stalled, throwing him into the air, breaking his leg. He was devastated. Since that day he...

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Two guys are fishing

Tom asks Gary for a light.

Gary pulls out a giant bic lighter.

Whoa says Tom where'd you get that lighter?

I have a genie Gary says.

What! You have a genie Tom says excited, man can I have one wish please.

Gary smiles and says you have to ask my genie and he su...

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