A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said,

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." ...

Why did God create Adam before Eve?

He didn’t want any advice on how to do it

God asked Adam to name the animals

Adam began to invent names, “Lion, Tiger, Horse, Cow, Pig…”

Then God said, “You must name the sea animals, too”

Adam was tired already, so he said, “Sea lion, Tiger shark, Sea horse, Sea cow, Sea pig…”

What was Adam and Eve’s biggest problem during their marriage?

They could never agree on who wore the plants in the family.

After Adam stayed out late a few nights, Eve became suspicious.

“You’re running around with another woman—admit it!” she demanded.

“What other woman?” Adam shot back. “You’re the only one here.”

That night, Adam was fast asleep when he was awoken by Eve poking him in the chest.

“What are you doing?”

“Counting your ribs.”

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One day, God met with Adam in the garden of Eden

"Hey Adam, I have two new organs for you," said god

"What are they?" Adam Replied

"Well," said God, "We have a brain, which will let you make intelligent decisions and hold conversations with Eve."

"That's Great!" Adam said, "What's the other one?"

"That would be a penis,...

What was the first thing Adam said to Eve?

The topic for my ninth-grade class was palindromes, words or sentences that are the same read forward and backward. I asked the question, "What was the first thing Adam said to Eve?"

I was expecting the answer "Madam, I’m Adam," but one student had a better reply:

"Wow."

Because it wasn't good for Adam to be all by himself, the Lord came down for a visit.

"Adam," the Lord said, "I have a plan to make you a very happy man. I'm going to give you a companion who will fulfill your every need and desire. She will be loving, and beautiful, and faithful. She will make you feel wonderful every day of your life."

Adam was stunned, "That sounds incredib...

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How do you know Adam and Eve weren't black?

You ever tried to take a rib from a black man?!?

Immediately following the creation of Eve, Adam says to God

"Why'd you have too use my rib?"

"Oh, its symbolic. Now you have a pain in your side!"

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"The 24th of December is Christmas Eve"

"No it fucking isn't, Adam."

The oldest laptop can be traced back to Adam and Eve

An Apple with very limited memory (1 Byte), single core and OS written in Python.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Russian are looking at a painting of Adam and Eve

The Englishman admires it and says "Look at them, calm, reserved, and proper, they were surely English."

The Frenchmen laughs and replies "They are naked and beautiful, there is no doubt they would be French."

The Russian slowly shakes his head "No clothes, no house, no possessions, th...

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Adam’s mother was visiting Adam and his roommate, Steve.

During the visit Adam’s mother couldn’t help but notice how handsome Steve was. She had been dubious of her son’s sexuality and this only made her more curious. She wondered if Adam and Steve were more than just roommates. Adam, reading his mother’s mind said, “Mom, I know what you are thinking but ...

Adam was lonely, so God made an offer.

I'll tell you what, Adam. I'm going to make you a mate. She'll help you tend to the garden, feed and name the animals, rub your feet and back, and just be the perfect companion for you.

**What's that going to cost me, God?**

An Arm and a leg.

**What can I get for a rib?**
...

"This is the hardest part of our job," said the police officer after Adam was pronounced dead in the accident.

"Yeah, but break the news slowly. His wife is a very sensitive person."

The police officer knocks on the door and Adam's wife opens it.

"Are you Adam's widow?" said the police.

A Russian, a Frenchman and an Englishman argued about Adam's nationality.

A Russian, a Frenchman and an Englishman argued about Adam's nationality.

The Frenchman said, "Of course Adam was French. Look how passionately he made love to Eve!"

The Englishman said, "Of course Adam was British. Look how he gave his only apple to the lady, like a real gentleman."...

Adam and Eve

Eve: "Adam are you seeing someone else?"

Adam: "No, you're the only woman on earth!"

Adam: "Now what are you doing?"

Eve: "Counting your ribs."

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Adam and Eve

Were in the garden of eden and Adam says to Eve “Hey Eve lets go for a swim!” And Eve says “That sounds wonderful!”

So they start running towards the dead sea and God shouts down “No Eve, no Eve NOOOOooooooo!” And Eve dives into the water!

God says: Awe crap now I will never get th...

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One day Adam and Eve notice God standing before them, holding a bag

"Hi, God. What's in the bag?" asked Eve.

"These are a couple of things that were left over from creation that I thought you two would be interested in." God rummages around in the bag a moment. "Okay who wants to be able to pee standing up?"

Adam immediately puts his hand up in the air...

Adam awoke from a deep sleep...

He was up and Adam.

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God summons Adam and Eve as he would like to offer them each a feature distinguishing men from women

God: "So guys, you have to choose now between being able to stand up and pee and m..."

Adam: "Me me memememe! I want to be able to stand up and pee! Thats gotta be the best feature out there.. I choose this one for men! I win, you lose Eve!!"

God: "Erm.. alright then.. Eve, I guess yo...

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What did Adam say to Eve just before they had sex for the first time?

"Better stand back, I don't know how big this thing is going to get."

A man named Adam is being sent to prison

On the first day in the shower he is approached by a giant muscular inmate who asks him intimidatingly

"With or without spit?!"

The man (Adam) thinks to himself that it will happen no matter what and that it might hurt less with spit so he frighteningly stammers

"With spit"
...

What do Adam Levine’s nipples and corduroy pillowcases have in common?

They’re making headlines!

The inventor of ibuprofen, Stewart Adams, died today at 95 years old.

The priest got up to present the eulogy NSAID he was a lovely bloke.

A boy and girl are sitting in religious studies class

The teacher asks the girl, "Who is the all knowing and all powerful?" The boy sees that the girl has fallen a sleep and pokes her in the back. The girl shouts "God Almighty!" The teacher says "Very good" and the girl falls back asleep. Later in the class, the teacher asks the girl who their saviour ...

TIL The record for most pushups while holding the office of President is John Quincy Adams with 1,023.

George W. Bush did 911

What do a snowstorm in Florida, a hula hoop with a nail in it, and the USS Adams have in common?

They're all navel destroyers.

Why did adam not have a mother in law?

He lived in paradise.

A Frenchman, and Englishman, and a Soviet Russian are admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.

The Frenchman says, “They must be French, they’re naked and they’re eating fruit.”

The Englishman says, “Clearly, they’re English; observe how politely the women is offering fruit to the man.”

The Russian replies, “No, they are Russian communists, of course. They have no house, nothi...

Adam was feeling a bit lonely in the garden of Eden

"Hey, God. I'm bored! I'm lonely, I have no one to talk to

The animals are great and all, but I need someone to share all of this with"


"Very well, I shall create for you the perfect companion.

a **woman**!

She will be smart, will make you laugh, she will love you, ...

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Adam asked God for a partner...

Adam saw that the animals in the Garden of Eden had a companion, and he asked God to make one for Adam, too.

"Ok," God replied, "I can make you a perfect partner. Someone who will stand by you, satisfy you as you satisfy her, build you up as you build up her, and provide the exact compliment ...

One day Adam stood in the garden of Eden and asked

"God, what is this life without a companion to live it with?"

God looked down upon Adam and responded. "How Adam, would you like your companion to be formed?"

"God, I would like you to create for me a companion who is beautiful as a sunrise, smells like wild flowers, is as wise as an...

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Nsfw When God created Adam, he gave him the job of naming the animals.

Adam:
Boobies,
Cocks,
Pussies,
Shags,
Horny toads,
Asses,
Dik diks

It was then that God decided that he needed to create women.

When Adam and Eve found out that Abel was dead

they raised Cain.

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God said to Adam

For an arm, leg and one of your balls... I’ll give you a beautiful woman who never complains, never cheats and always lets you put it in her butt

ADAM: idk god, that’s all lot to give up, what can I get for a rib?

God had just made Adam

He asked Adam what he would want for a happier life, so Adam said, " Someone caring and kind, who will do work around the home without question, who will always be right there agreeing with me no matter what I say, and believes that I am head of the house so what I say goes."

God replied, "W...

Three nuns were fatally injured in a horrific auto accident on Halloween night.

Being the holy women that they were, the three of them ascended into heaven.

The nuns were stopped at the gates of St Peter.

St Peter said to the nuns “Behold! The gates of your eternal kingdom & glory. Being Halloween night, I must ask each of you a biblical question which will pr...

Adam is in the Garden of Eden...

Adam is in the Garden of Eden when he finds himself quite lonely.

He calls upon God, and asks him "Lord almighty, may you find me company here?"

God, in his infinite kindness, responds "Of course my child, I shall create a being to accompany you. The being will be beautiful, intelligen...

Have you heard what Adam’s middle name is?

Subtractam

Why didn't Adam buy Eve the new iPhone?

Because Apple have terrible customer service and their products are really expensive.

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Soviet are asked what nationality Adam and Eve were.

The Brit exclaims “They must have been British! Look at how gentlemanly Adam behaved towards Eve. He must have been an Englishman.”

“Outrageous!” Says the Frenchman. “They must have been French. Look at the love that they exhibited towards each other! Only the French can love like that.”
...

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Adam and Eve just had sex for the first time...

God comes down to Eden to check on them. He finds Adam, hanging out in the bushes.

"How was it?" God asks.

"Amazing," Adam replies. "I can't fucking wait to do it again!"

"That is great!" says God. "I designed it specifically for you. But... where is Eve?"

Adam answers, "...

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Adam and Eve are figuring out what's what one day...

Adam starts getting excited and Eve looks down, and says "that's it?". Adam replies "it's literally the biggest penis on Earth, what more do you want?"

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One day god comes down to earth to tell Adam and Eve that he has 2 gifts for them.

He says "The first gift is the ability to pee standing."
"Yes, yes, yes! I'll take that one! Says Adam.
Adam, happy with the gift of the penis, starts running and jumping around, peeing on everything.
Eve then asks God, "If that was the first gift, what is the second?"
"Brains, Eve. Brai...

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One beautiful afternoon in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, “Lord, I have a problem.”

“What’s the problem, Adam?” God replies.

“Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals. I appreciate all that you have given me, but I’m just not happy”, Adam answers.

“Why is that, Adam”, God asks....

So my wife asked me yesterday "What would you do if You and I were 'Adam and Eve'?"

I replied nonchalantly, **"I'd fap and go to sleep. That would solve most problems."**

P.S: A'yup, I slept on the couch. worth it? :/

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Adam and Eve

It's the evening of the sixth day of creation. Adam and Eve are hanging out in the Garden of Eden having a grand time when God comes in, carrying a sack. God tells them "There's just a couple things left to take care of to wrap things up". God opens the sack, looks in and says, " first, we have the ...

A husband and wife are sitting in church listening to a sermon about Adam and Eve...

A husband and wife are sitting in church listening to a sermon about Adam and Eve. The husband is taking notes when he notices his wife dozing off. He gently pokes her with his pencil and she wakes up. The Adam and Eve sermon continues but a few minutes later, he notices her dozing off again. Th...

God said “Adam, I want you to do something for me"

Adam said, “Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do ?” 

God said, “Go down into that valley” 

Adam said, “What’s a valley ?” 

God explained it to him.  Then God said

“Cross the River."

Adam said, “What’s a river ?" 

God explained that to him, and then said, ...

Adam and Eve

Adam is sitting in the Garden of Eden, talking to God.

He says to God “You’ve given me life, the purpose of naming every animal, and plenty of food to eat. You’ve made me comfortable, kept me well fed, and a sense of purpose. However, I’m feeling quite lonely; is there anything you can do to...

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God came to Adam and said, "I've got some good news and some bad news."

"Well, give me the good news first," Adam replied.

"I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things and have wonderful conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce y...

I invented a war game called "Adam and Eve".

It's a first person shooter.

So God creates Adam...

...and soon after he notices that Adam is lonely.

God says "Do not fear, my child. For I will create a partner to accompany you and man from this time forth. She will be known, as a woman."

God continues "She will be obedient, loyal, passionate and nurturing."

Adam hesitates..<...

If adam and eve were Chinese

Then we would still be in paradise as they would eat the snake instead of the apple.

God said to Adam "I'm going to make you a woman"

God: "She's going to clean for you, cook anything you want whenever you want it, always look beautiful, never be bad tempered, give you children, always obedient, and she'll never argue with you."
Adam: "That sounds great, but what'll it cost me?"
God: "Oh, an arm and a leg."
Adam: "T...

I've just started the Adam Ant diet.

Don't chew ever, don't chew ever.

What do you call a party featuring John Adams, Alexander Hamilton and co as guests?

A feds era list party.

Adam and Eve were wandering on the Garden of Eden

They were walking with their makeshift clothes, since they already tasted the Forbidden Fruit and realized they were naked.

Soon, God shows up, and realize they disobeyed his only rule so far.

Mad and with His thunderous voice, He yells at them:


"**WHY, WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS...

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Adam was lonely

He said "God, all the creatures have their mates but I am alone".
God thought for a minute and said "I will make you a perfect companion. She will be lovely, kind, attentive and will fulfill your every desire. I'll need from you two fingers, a kidney and one of your testicles".
Adam thought fo...

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth and all things that in them are: (Long)

Then he eventually created Adam, who was having a lot of fun in the garden, walking around naked, eating fruit from various trees, and hanging out with/naming all of the animals.

But one day, Adam began to feel lonely and decided to talk to God about it. In that discussion, Adam expressed th...

Adam & Eve

The first people to not read the Apple terms and conditions.

Adam Sandler’s movies have really been going downhill lately

In his most recent one he rubbed up against Rock’s bottom.

Adam and Eve had been brainstorming with God for what felt like an eternity.

"Two dozen hours?" asked Adam.

"One seventh of a week?" suggested Eve.

God shook his head and sighed. "Let's just call it a day."

Eve wore a fig leaf in the garden but what did Adam wear?

He wore a hole in that fig leaf.

Why was Adam created before Eve?

So he had a chance to speak

One Sunday, with one hand motion, God caused the Earth to begin to revolve around the Sun. "What should we call it when it goes all the way around?" asks Adam.

"A year," God replied.

Now, he made another hand motion, and the Earth began to rotate on a tilted axis.

"What should we call it when it rotates all the way around?" Adam asks.

God sighs and takes a seat on the grass below. "Let's call it a day."

A little girl asks her father where people came from.

He explained about Adam and Eve and they were our original ancestors and they had babies and that's where we came from.

Later that day the girl asked her Mom who explained that their ancestors were monkeys and apes and humans evolved from the monkeys. "So, our relatives are monkeys?" "That's...

There were two white Christian men, Adam and Jack,

whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.

As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then...

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I wonder if Adam ever thought to himself...

"I'm the sexiest guy on the planet right now."

Who was the world’s first carpenter?

Eve


Because she made Adams banana stand

One day, God and Adam were talking in the Garden Of Eden...

“God?”

“Yes, Adam.”

“I’m lonely.”

“Yes. And I’ve given this some thought. What if I told you I could make you a companion? She would be a lot like you, but different in many ways. She would think just like you think. She would never disagree with you. She would support your e...

"Adam Ruins Everything"

...including quality television programming

Adam gave Sally 3 flowers and 1 stuffed animal. Kristen gave Sally 5 flowers and 2 stuffed animals. What does Sally have?

cancer.

Why was Adam so fat?

He couldn't stop eden.

God said to Adam, "I’ve got some good news and some bad news.

First the good news.

I have given you a brain and a p***s.

The bad news… I’ve only given you enough blood to work one of them at a time!"

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Adam was sitting under the apple tree in the Garden of Eden.

He was looking very content, smoking a cigarette. God saw this and appeared before Adam. God asks Adam "So, how do you like Eve?" Adam replies "Eve is just great, thank you so much for creating her." God then asks "Do you like the vagina? Any complaints, I spent a lot of time trying to get it r...

Why did God create Adam before he created Eve?

So no one would tell him how to make Adam.

An American, a Briton, and a North Korean look at a picture of Adam and Eve

An American, a Briton, and a North Korean look at a picture of Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden and try to figure out what nationality they are.

The American says, "Look at how free and independent they are, they must be Americans."

The Briton says, "What are you talking about, look...

It's never worth getting into an argument about creationist Adam & Eve versus evolution

You're just comparing apples and origins

Little Johnny fell asleep in Sunday school...

The teacher asked, "Johnny, who is our Lord and savior?"
The boy behind him poked him in the back with a pin.
Johnny shot upright and shouted, "Jesus Christ!"
"Correct," said the teacher.
Johnny then fell back asleep.
The teacher called on him again, "Johnny, who was Jesus's mother?"...

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Adam and Eve were talking to God....

He told them, "I have two things remaining to separate men from women and I'm going to let you choose." He looked at Adam, "I'm going to let you choose first...the first thing is the ability to pee standing up." Adam didn't hesitate...."Yes, I want that one!" God gifted man with the ability to pee s...

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely..

..so God asked Adam, “What is bothering you?”

Adam said, “Lord, I don’t have anyone to talk to.”

God said, “Then I will give you a companion, and she will be called a ‘woman’. This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She...

And God Said To Adam

Come forth and yee shall receive eternal life. But Adam came fifth and got a toaster.

Adam gets into a terrible car accident.

He wakes up in the hospital, and the doctor explains, "You went straight through the windshield, but you are going to make a full recovery. Part of your ribcage was broken and started putting pressure on your heart, so we carefully removed it while you were under." Adam thinks on this, then asks the...

Adam and God discus women

Adam says to God, “God, why did you make women so soft?” God says, "So that you will like them.” Adam says, "God, why did you make women so warm and cuddly?” God says, “So that you will like them. "Adam says to God, “But, God, why did you make them so stupid?” God says, “So that they will like you.”

Little Jenny isn't a very good student

She gives an especially poor performance at religion classes. One day, the teacher asks Little Jenny a question.

'So Jenny, could you tell me who created the world?'

Little Jenny is thinking hard, but she doesn't really now the answer. Suddenly, Little Johnny who's sitting behind her s...

Biology Lesson

Dr Adams is holding forth to his college students on biology and anatomy. "Miss Baker, can you tell me which part of the human body can expand by up to 10 times, and under what conditions?"

Miss Baker blushes furiously, and says, "That is not an appropriate question to ask a lady, and I will ...

Adam is sitting in the Garden of Eden

So Adam is sitting in the Garden of Eden and he says, "God, I see that all of the other animals that you have created in this truly perfect world have a companion, a partner, someone to be with, share life with, and to love. Why is it that I am alone?" God pauses for a moment, and says "You know Ada...