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Matthew Jokes

What did Matthew McConaughey say on his first day on the job as a Judge?

All Rise All Rise All Rise

George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio and Matthew McConaughey

\-get together to make a new movie.
Clooney says “I will direct!”
DiCaprio says “I will act!”
McConaughey says “I’ll write, I’ll write, I’ll write...”

Did you know UPS consulted Matthew McConaughey to help UPS eliminate inefficient left turns on deliveries?

He told them, "All right all right all right"

What did Matthew McConaughey say when he was turned into a zombie?

Yes, of course:

"I'll rot, I'll rot, I'll rot!"

Happy Halloween!

What do you get when you cross Matthew McConaughey and Mitch McConnell?

Alt-Right, Alt-Right, Alt-Right

A man dies and his three best friends, Matthew, Mark and James are looking at his body in the coffin.

Matthew says "He was such a good friend. I don't want him to go to his maker empty handed" and he throws $200 in cash into the coffin. Mark says he agrees and also throws in $200 in cash.

James says "You cheap-skates! I'm ashamed of you and I'm going to give him $1,000." He then writes out a ...

The new guy at work reminds me a lot of Matthew mcconaughey

He keeps saying things like, "Hey man, don't forget about Matthew Mcconaughey".

You know who opposes Matthew Mcconaughey's gun control efforts?

The alt-right, alt-right, alt-right!

What is common between Matthew Perry and Vladmir Putin?

They both have attacked a Union Executive.

Jesus is hanging on the cross.

There’s a big loud crowd gathered when he’s heard weakly calling for Matthew. Matthew rushes toward the cross but is brutally beaten back by the Roman soldiers guarding it. He runs around to the far side and tries again. Again he’s beaten back. Finally after several more attempts a beaten and bloody...

Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John walk into a Jewish bar

Bartender says, "Well this is New"

Matthew McConaughey is campaigning to be Governor of Texas..

Running on an alt right, alt right, alt right platform.

What are Matthew Stafford’s favorite pastries?

Turnovers

Now that Matthew McConaughey might be running for governor of Texas people are wondering what his politics are...

I think it’s obvious he’s a member of the Alt Right, Alt Right, Alt Right

BREAKING: Matthew McConaughey Announces Gubernatorial Run

When asked regarding his political leanings, McConaughey stated to a reporter that his views were "all right all right all right."

What does Matthew McConaughey say when he's picking fruit?

All ripe, all ripe, all ripe.

Matthew McConaughey, Leonardo DiCaprio and Brad Pitt decide to make a movie together.

Of course, they are going to need roles for each other, but none of them can decide what they want to do. They argue over this for hours, until Leonardo finally decides he wants to direct, since he is the best with cameras. Eventually, Brad Pitt decides he wants to produce, since he’s the one with t...

What are the three steps Matthew McConaughey takes to make a left turn?

All right, all right, all right

Three nuns die in a car crash

They ascend to heaven and are met at the pearly gates by Saint Peter. “Before you can enter Heaven you must each answer a question to prove your piety.”
He turns to the first nun and asks “How many commandments did God give to Moses?” The nun says “Oh, that’s easy, 10!” Ba Bada Bah! The trumpet...

I met Matthew McConaughey and asked him to sign a photo for me. I told him to make sure he doesn't write anything in the left side of the picture though.

He said "Alright, I'll write all right."

Matthew McConaughey was spotted during the Capital Hill protests

When asked to comment what he saw he simply said,

“Alt Right, Alt Right, Alt Right”

Last time I hung out with Matthew McConaughey I said "Keep in touch"...

He replied back "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write"

What did Matthew McConaughey say when the waiter asked him if he wanted ice in his water?

“It’d be a lot cooler if you did.”

Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery...

Matthew: "Can I get three loaves of bread please?"

Baker: "What type do you want sir?"

Matthew: "All rye, all rye, all rye."

Matthew McConaughey walked into a deli to order a sandwich

“What can I get for you?” the shopkeep asked.

Matthew replied, “well my good man, you see I’ve had the good fortune of becoming a world renown celebrity, an academy award winning actor, I’ve played some of the most iconic roles in television history, and I’m even known for my whimsical yet c...

What’s Racist Matthew McConaughey’s catchphrase?

all white all white all white...

My pastor asked me to name the four Gospels, but I could only remember Matthew, Luke, and John.

I missed the Mark.

What is matthew mcconaughey' least favorite part of interstellar?

"The girls get older, but he stays the same age"

-first attempt at a original joke (apologies if its a repost that I'm unaware of)

What did Matthew McConaughey say to his publisher about his long awaited upcoming book?

I’ll write, I’ll write, I’ll write!

And God said unto Matthew, “come forth, and ye shall enter the kingdom of heaven.”

But Matthew came fifth, so he received a very nice toaster instead.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Matthew McConaughey and Andre 3000 released an album together.

The reviews were
AlrightAlrightAlright AlrightAlrightAlright AlrightAlrightAlright AlrightAlrightAlright
AlrightAlrightAlright

Why'd they dedicate a traffic circle to Matthew McConaughey?

Because it was all right, all right, all right.

What do Hurricane Matthew and Kim Kardashian have in common?

They'll both blow the entire east coast just to get on TV

Violets are red. Roses are blue.

I'm colorblind and my name is Matthew.

Stewart, Bobby, Matthew and Arthur are all hanging out at Bobby's place.

Arthur turns to the group and asks "hey, you guys ever wonder about what it would be like to have arms and legs?"

What does Asian Matthew Mcconaughey want for dinner?

All rice, all rice, all rice

Matthew Broderick has just announced a sequel to one of his biggest films!

He'll play Iron Man's nephew who skips school to go on a wacky adventure in Chicago with his friends!

Its called "Ferrous Bueller's Day Off".

My wife told me to stop with my bad Matthew McConaughey impressions. So I told her.

OK, OK, OK.

What’s the difference between Matthew McConaughey and a nascar driver?

While nascar drivers take all lefts... McConaughey takes alrights alrights alrights

Why can't Matthew McConaughey's Lincoln make left turns.

Because it just goes Alright, Alright, Alright.

What do you call Matthew Broderick after he takes his Iron deficiency pills?

Ferrous Bueller

Did you hear that Matthew McConaughey lost his left hand in a motorcycle accident?

Now he's allright, allright, allright.

What is matthew mcconaughey favorite bread?

All rye all rye

Did you hear about the time Matthew McConaughey drove backwards on a NASCAR track?

All right, all right, all right

Did you hear that Matthew McConaughey took his Lincoln to the dealership after it couldn’t make left turns?

It could only go all right, all right, all right!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I sold my new Lincoln continental to Matthew Mcconaughy and he brought it back an hour later.....

He was pissed that the car couldn’t turn left, it just goes all right, all right, all right.

What does your appendix, Republicans, and the slow lane have in common with Matthew McConaughey?

All right, all right, all right.





Turns out Matthew McCoughnehey is a racist...

... I guess we should've known he was part of the alt-right alt-right alt-right.

How do you get to Matthew McConaughey's house?

A right a right a right

Since we’re doing little Jonny jokes

Catholic school teacher asks the class, “Children, what part of your body do you think enters heaven first?”.

Mary stands up and says “Your head, because it’s the top of your body.”.

“Very good logic Mary, anyone else?”

Matt stands up, “Your hands, because they are what we use...

Jesus and his apostles walk into a restaurant...

Matthew asks for a table for 26. The server says " But there is only 13 of you" Paul says "But we all want to sit on the same side of the table."

Then the group skips out early leaving Judas with the bill.

"Jusus Christ man, where am I going to find 30 pieces of silver

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did...

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return.

Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple.

"Who is it?"

"It's Mark."

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Mark?"

"Marijuana from Colombia."

"Very well son, come i...

I recently came down with Matthew Mcconaughey's disease

Don't worry, I'm alright alright alright now.

Matthew McConaughey just bought NASCAR

And he's making racers drive the opposite direction. Now instead of making left turns, they're going all right, all right, all right

[OC] What's Matthew Mcconaughey's favourite Pokemon?

_Rhydon rhydon rydon_

I heard Anheuser Busch is sending 9 truckloads of canned water to the areas affected by Hurricane Matthew.

Who knew there was such a demand for Bud Light after a disaster?

[OC I think] Sure, Matthew McConaughey jokes are pretty predictable...

But they're all right, alright? Alright.

Has anyone here seen the Matthew McConaughey movie where he keeps getting grouchy in the early evenings and no one can figure out why...?

Failure to Lunch?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does Matthew McConnaughey call Nazis when he's trying to bring them into the mainstream?

Alt-right, alt-right, alt-right

Taped 4 pictures of Matthew Broderick to each of my rims.

Now I have Ferris Wheels.

Matthew McConaughey, what kind of meat do you want off the turkey?

All white, all white, all white!

Who does Matthew McConaughey say is the most dangerous group in America?

Alt-right, alt-right, alt-right

Why are people so worried about Hurricane Matthew's wind speeds?

I thought CAT4 was capped at 16Mbps.

What do North Korea and Matthew McConaughey have in common?

Failure to Launch

What does Matthew McConaughey think about an all white, Republican Government?

Altright, altright, altright

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Matthew McConaughey's grandfather was recently found to be a Nazi sympathizer

The biggest clue was whenever he gave interviews, he'd keep saying "Altright Altright Altright".

A monastery had a rule: No talking whatsoever.

Once a year, there was an exception to the rule. One monk would get chosen to get up and speak.

The first year, Brother Matthew stood up. Naturally, the hall was silent. He stared at his audience for a minute. Then he spoke. "Hot this year, wasn't it?"

With that, he concluded his speec...

I asked my wife if she wanted to watch a movie with Matthew McConaughey...

She said it's not a Matthew McKindaDay.

Trump is like Hurricane Matthew

The media is talking about it nonstop. Nobody knows how bad it's going to be, but you can't help shake your head at the Floridan who ignores the warning.

In light of hurricane Matthew

A hurricane approaches Florida and evacuations begin as it will devastate the coast but one man decides to stay. He says to his neighbors "I believe God will save me". On the first day his floor is flooded and a little rowboat comes by and asks him if he wants to leave. He replies again "God will s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop! Hop! Hop! Then he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed.

The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed! Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest!"

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed.

The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running thr...

Matthew McConaughey for president 2016:

Make America Alright Alright Alright Again!

Matthew 11, Luke 9 and John 12...

...are just three of the boys Father O'Reilly has to stay at least 50 yards from.

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