Matthew Jokes - 69 Hilarious Matthew Jokes

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did...

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return.

Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple.

"Who is it?"

"It's Mark."

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Mark?"

"Marijuana from Colombia."

"Very well son, come i...

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George Clooney, Leonardo Dicaprio and Matthew Mcconaughey got together to make a movie...

George Clooney said, "I'll direct."

Dicaprio said, "I'll produce."

And Matthew McConaughey said, "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write."

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My wife always accuses me of having a favorite child.

It's not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.

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What is matthew mcconaughey' least favorite part of interstellar?

"The girls get older, but he stays the same age"

-first attempt at a original joke (apologies if its a repost that I'm unaware of)

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Jesus is hanging on the cross.

There’s a big loud crowd gathered when he’s heard weakly calling for Matthew. Matthew rushes toward the cross but is brutally beaten back by the Roman soldiers guarding it. He runs around to the far side and tries again. Again he’s beaten back. Finally after several more attempts a beaten and bloody...

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If Matthew McConaughey was a pastor

All rise, All rise, All rise

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You know who opposes Matthew Mcconaughey's gun control efforts?

The alt-right, alt-right, alt-right!

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Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John walk into a Jewish bar

Bartender says, "Well this is New"

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What did Matthew McConaughey say when he was turned into a zombie?

Yes, of course:

"I'll rot, I'll rot, I'll rot!"

Happy Halloween!

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I met Matthew McConaughey and asked him to sign a photo for me. I told him to make sure he doesn't write anything in the left side of the picture though.

He said "Alright, I'll write all right."

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What do Hurricane Matthew and Kim Kardashian have in common?

They'll both blow the entire east coast just to get on TV

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What did Matthew McConaughey say on his first day on the job as a Judge?

All Rise All Rise All Rise

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The new guy at work reminds me a lot of Matthew mcconaughey

He keeps saying things like, "Hey man, don't forget about Matthew Mcconaughey".

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Matthew McConaughey is campaigning to be Governor of Texas..

Running on an alt right, alt right, alt right platform.

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Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery...

Matthew: "Can I get three loaves of bread please?"

Baker: "What type do you want sir?"

Matthew: "All rye, all rye, all rye."

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Did you know UPS consulted Matthew McConaughey to help UPS eliminate inefficient left turns on deliveries?

He told them, "All right all right all right"

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What does Asian Matthew Mcconaughey want for dinner?

All rice, all rice, all rice

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What’s Racist Matthew McConaughey’s catchphrase?

all white all white all white...

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What are Matthew Stafford’s favorite pastries?

Turnovers

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The other day, I walked into my barber shop, and, much to my surprise, saw Matthew McConaughey sitting in a chair at the end of the row.

His hair was covered with the kind of foil that suggested he was getting it colored.

"Mr. McConaughey," I said, a little star-struck. "Are you getting your hair colored?"

"Aw, absolutely," he said in his signature drawl. "Matter of fact, I get my hair colored every two wee...

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What does Matthew McConaughey say when he's picking fruit?

All ripe, all ripe, all ripe.

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Matthew McConaughey, Leonardo DiCaprio and Brad Pitt decide to make a movie together.

Of course, they are going to need roles for each other, but none of them can decide what they want to do. They argue over this for hours, until Leonardo finally decides he wants to direct, since he is the best with cameras. Eventually, Brad Pitt decides he wants to produce, since he’s the one with t...

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A man dies and his three best friends, Matthew, Mark and James are looking at his body in the coffin.

Matthew says "He was such a good friend. I don't want him to go to his maker empty handed" and he throws $200 in cash into the coffin. Mark says he agrees and also throws in $200 in cash.

James says "You cheap-skates! I'm ashamed of you and I'm going to give him $1,000." He then writes out a ...

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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An atheist man married a devout Catholic woman.

The woman insisted they have a full catholic wedding, led by a priest and including the sacrament. The man loved her, so he capitulated.
Every Sunday the woman insisted they attend mass. The man loved her, so he capitulated.
When their children were born, the woman insisted on a Catholic c...

Matthew McConaughey was spotted during the Capital Hill protests

When asked to comment what he saw he simply said,

“Alt Right, Alt Right, Alt Right”

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Matthew McConaughey walked into a deli to order a sandwich

“What can I get for you?” the shopkeep asked.

Matthew replied, “well my good man, you see I’ve had the good fortune of becoming a world renown celebrity, an academy award winning actor, I’ve played some of the most iconic roles in television history, and I’m even known for my whimsical yet c...

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What is matthew mcconaughey favorite bread?

All rye all rye

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Why'd they dedicate a traffic circle to Matthew McConaughey?

Because it was all right, all right, all right.

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Last time I hung out with Matthew McConaughey I said "Keep in touch"...

He replied back "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write"

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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Matthew McConaughey and Andre 3000 released an album together.

The reviews were
AlrightAlrightAlright AlrightAlrightAlright AlrightAlrightAlright AlrightAlrightAlright
AlrightAlrightAlright

Now that Matthew McConaughey might be running for governor of Texas people are wondering what his politics are...

I think it’s obvious he’s a member of the Alt Right, Alt Right, Alt Right

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[OC] What's Matthew Mcconaughey's favourite Pokemon?

_Rhydon rhydon rydon_

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Why can't Matthew McConaughey's Lincoln make left turns.

Because it just goes Alright, Alright, Alright.

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What did Matthew McConaughey say to his publisher about his long awaited upcoming book?

I’ll write, I’ll write, I’ll write!

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What’s the difference between Matthew McConaughey and a nascar driver?

While nascar drivers take all lefts... McConaughey takes alrights alrights alrights

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Matthew McConaughey just bought NASCAR

And he's making racers drive the opposite direction. Now instead of making left turns, they're going all right, all right, all right

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Turns out Matthew McCoughnehey is a racist...

... I guess we should've known he was part of the alt-right alt-right alt-right.

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I recently came down with Matthew Mcconaughey's disease

Don't worry, I'm alright alright alright now.

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How do you get to Matthew McConaughey's house?

A right a right a right

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Matthew Broderick has just announced a sequel to one of his biggest films!

He'll play Iron Man's nephew who skips school to go on a wacky adventure in Chicago with his friends!

Its called "Ferrous Bueller's Day Off".

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And God said unto Matthew, “come forth, and ye shall enter the kingdom of heaven.”

But Matthew came fifth, so he received a very nice toaster instead.

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What did Matthew McConaughey say when the waiter asked him if he wanted ice in his water?

“It’d be a lot cooler if you did.”

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Trump is like Hurricane Matthew

The media is talking about it nonstop. Nobody knows how bad it's going to be, but you can't help shake your head at the Floridan who ignores the warning.

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If Matthew McConaughey runs for governor in Texas, what will his first order of business be?

Getting rid of the alt-right, alt-right, alt-right

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My pastor asked me to name the four Gospels, but I could only remember Matthew, Luke, and John.

I missed the Mark.

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What do you call Matthew Broderick after he takes his Iron deficiency pills?

Ferrous Bueller

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In light of hurricane Matthew

A hurricane approaches Florida and evacuations begin as it will devastate the coast but one man decides to stay. He says to his neighbors "I believe God will save me". On the first day his floor is flooded and a little rowboat comes by and asks him if he wants to leave. He replies again "God will s...

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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Matthew McConaughey would almost certainly win if he ran for president.

It would be hard to beat the first candidate to get an endorsement from Lincoln.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In an upcoming film, Matthew McConaughey is going to play a Neo-Nazi

He’s gonna be alt-right, alt-right, alt-right.

Did you hear that Matthew McConaughey lost his left hand in a motorcycle accident?

Now he's allright, allright, allright.

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Did you hear about the klan meeting Matthew Mcconaughey attended?

It was all white, all white, all white!

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Taped 4 pictures of Matthew Broderick to each of my rims.

Now I have Ferris Wheels.

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Matthew McConaughey for president 2016:

Make America Alright Alright Alright Again!

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My wife told me to stop with my bad Matthew McConaughey impressions. So I told her.

OK, OK, OK.

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Why do White Nationalists love Matthew McConaughey?

They keep hearing "alt+right, alt+right, alt+right..."

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Matthew 11, Luke 9 and John 12...

...are just three of the boys Father O'Reilly has to stay at least 50 yards from.

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Did you hear about the time Matthew McConaughey drove backwards on a NASCAR track?

All right, all right, all right

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What does your appendix, Republicans, and the slow lane have in common with Matthew McConaughey?

All right, all right, all right.

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Matthew McConaughey, what kind of meat do you want off the turkey?

All white, all white, all white!

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What do North Korea and Matthew McConaughey have in common?

Failure to Launch

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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Matthew McConaughey's grandfather was recently found to be a Nazi sympathizer

The biggest clue was whenever he gave interviews, he'd keep saying "Altright Altright Altright".

What does Matthew McConaughey think about an all white, Republican Government?

Altright, altright, altright

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I was going to tell you this joke about Matthew Shepard...

...but I'm kind of on the fence about it.

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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I sold my new Lincoln continental to Matthew Mcconaughy and he brought it back an hour later.....

He was pissed that the car couldn’t turn left, it just goes all right, all right, all right.

Did you hear that Matthew McConaughey took his Lincoln to the dealership after it couldn’t make left turns?

It could only go all right, all right, all right!

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Who does Matthew McConaughey say is the most dangerous group in America?

Alt-right, alt-right, alt-right

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I heard Anheuser Busch is sending 9 truckloads of canned water to the areas affected by Hurricane Matthew.

Who knew there was such a demand for Bud Light after a disaster?

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I asked my wife if she wanted to watch a movie with Matthew McConaughey...

She said it's not a Matthew McKindaDay.

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How many Dave Matthews fans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

There are Dave Matthews fans?

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