What do you call someone who identifies as Eric?

Generic

Have you met Eric? He's a genie. He's not special or anything.

He's just Djinn Eric.

Eric is looking for a new desk for his office...

...and he spots one that looks perfect in an antique shop.
"That desk is going for £2000," says the shopkeeper.
"£2000 for an old desk? That's outrageous!" exclaims Eric.
"Ah", says the shopkeeper, "but this is a magic desk." He turns to the desk and asks, "Desk, how much money do I have i...

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I had a problem with my computer yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."


I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fi...

Eric Swalwell has become the first Democratic candidate to withdraw his bid for POTUS

I guess he passed the torch.

Eric the Red's brother, Rudolf, was home gazing out his window.

He says to his wife: Looks bad out there. Looks like rain."

Rudolf's wife responds: "Are you sure dear?"

Rudolf answers back: "Trust me. Rudolf the Red knows rain dear."

The phone rings at the local police station. “Hello? I’m calling to report my neighbor, Craig. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!”

“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”

The next day, policemen descend on the neighbor’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.

Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave.

The phone rings at ...

I've decided to become mature and enter the dating scene. My first move is an introduction. 'Hi my name is Eric'

Eric-tiledisfunction

Eric and Barb can't become a couple

That would be barberic

Some people say the difference between animals and humans is that animals never go to war.

They've never heard of Eric Burdon.

My friend Eric believes his true purpose in life is to write put-downs on the back of kitchen tiles

He calls it his Eric-tile diss-function

Eric & Don Jr were building a house & Eric was throwing away every second nail

Don Jr: "What the hell is wrong with these nails?"
Eric: "The fvcking heads are on the wrong end"
Don Jr: "You idiot! These are for the other side of the house"

A man named Eric Cole...

... discovered that there was a direct correlation between the amount of mayonnaise on his cabbage salad and how good it tastes.
He's calling this correlation Cole's Law.

There once was a young mechanic named Eric, who got a job on an off-shore oil derrick . . .

He wasn't about to be party to a limerick, so he devoted himself to doing the best job he could to assist with the maintenance of all the machinery. He looked after the power generators, the pumps, the hydraulic systems and even did a little work on the electric systems.

One day, Eric was wo...

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Eric is in Hospital

Who the hell is Eric ?

Well,Eric is the geezer who got home late one night:
Marilyn his wife was waiting for him with ....
"Where the hell have you been?"
Eric replies "I was getting a tattoo!"

"A tattoo? What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred quid note tatt...

Eric went to tug his son in bed one night and hear his son praying...

"Dear God, please take care of my Grandpapa's soul". Eric didn't think much of it. The very next day, his wife's father dies of a heart attack. Eric was a little perturbed, but didn't think much of it.

A month later, little Johnny prayed "Dear God, please take care of my teacher's soul.". Su...

I asked my wife if she was cheating on me. She replied, "No, Eric. You think I would stoop that low?"

My name is Andrew...

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What do Eric Clapton and Donald Trump have in common?

They were both jealous of the size of a black man's crowd.

Sam 'n' Eric decide to be more grown up by cursing...

Their mother wakes them for breakfast, and asks them what they want to eat.
Sam says "Aw, hell, gimme some Cheerios."
Furious, his mother backhands him across the kitchen, turns to Eric and asks "What do *you* want to eat?"
Eric stammers "I-I-I dunno, but it sure ain't gonna be n...

Why was Eric Clapton arrested?

He was fingering A minor.

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So this guy Eric Bush's father Alan died last Saturday

And in the will it was stated that his entire multi-million-dollar fortune would go to Eric. He was delighted, but his bequest was dependent on a single condition: that he had to spend $10,000 of that fortune the night of the will's reading. Sort of a Brewster's Millions type of situation, ya know?...

What's the difference between a bag of cocaine and a 4yo kid?

Eric Clapton wouldn't let a bag of cocaine fall from a window.

What do Eric Clapton and coffee have in common?

They both suck without Cream.

What's the difference between Eric Clapton and a snooker player?

One plays with an electric guitar, the other a-cue-stick.

Why does Eric Clapton only buy apple products

Because his son had a bad experience with windows

Why does Eric Clapton prefer OSX?

...he was never a fan of having Windows open.

Why did Prince Eric leave Ariel when she became a human?

He was just chasing tail.

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When Ariel the mermaid gives a blowjob to Prince Eric...

is that Fellate Of Fish?

The Democrats are having trouble gaining traction for any of their candidates, so

They have asked Anthony Wiener to run for President and he would have Eric Holder as his VP.


They say it's the Wiener-Holder ticket. They will beat the competition, be hard on crime, and get a grip on the big issues.


They will get to meat of it all.

A screwdriver walks into a bar..

bartender says, we have a drink named after you, to which the screwdriver responds "you have a drink named eric?"

Who is a "dumbass"

While at college, foreign students found an online English-to-English dictionary of American slang.

Awesome read, but almost all agreed there was no need to look up for the word "dumbass" as it was completely clear.

One student persisted.

And got the answer - the dictionary stat...

THIS IS A TRUE STORY

When I was in my tenth grade biology honors class, we were tasting a compound known as PTC. For those of you that don't know PTC is a chemical that you can either taste, super-taste or not taste at all and it depends entirely on genetics. I couldn't taste it but my tablemate Eric (made up name for p...

Have you heard the Eric Garner joke?

It's so funny I can't breathe

Your typical rock band

In my history of Rock and Roll class, chapter 13 focused on the early rock artists post punk era. At the very beginning of the chapter the band King Crimson is briefly mentioned, they seemed to have qualities that later artist would adopt and were quite popular, with songs such as 21 century schizoi...

Admin : Adds Erica to the group.

David: Hi Erica welcome to the group.

Erica: Hi guys, I am new to the city.

Sam: Hi Erica don’t worry, I am here, any problems I will be the solution.

Kevin: Hi Erica. Tell me if you have any problem, I will arrange a solution for you.

Kyle: Hi Erica, if you need anyt...

Two managing directors ...

Two managing directors are talking. "Tell me, Eric. How do you get your employees to show up so early every morning?"

Eric: "Very simple. I have 50 employees but only 40 parking spaces".

If someone who does not fart in public is called a private tutor, then what do you call someone that farts in public?

Eric Swalwell.

What's the one lie Trump will never tell?

"Eric, you make me proud."

My wife thinks I play favourites with my kids.

That's just silly. I love Eric and Not Eric equally.

Survivor: Texas Edition

Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" shows, Texas is planning to do one entitled: "Survivor - Texas Edition".

The lucky contestants will all start in Dallas then drive a circuit to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, Houston, Brownsville, Del Rio, El Paso, Odessa, Midland, Lubbock, Amarillo, Abilen...

The presidential limousine pulls up to Air Force One. Donald Trump steps out with a baby boar tucked under each arm.

As he’s about to board the plane, a secret service agent stops him and asks “Sir, forgive my intrusion, but what’s with the boars?”

Donald motions to one and says “I got this one for Eric,” he motions to the other, “and I got this one for Don Jr.”

The secret service agent nods in appro...

Trump says that the Special Olympics will still be funded despite DeVos' plan.

This is presumably so Eric and Don Jr can still compete.

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Death awaits

4 friends are hanging out at an abandon hospital. Their names are Eric, David, Stacy, and Mohammad. Eric is an outgoing guy who will often spend his weekends stunt driving. David just got out of basic training, Stacy is a professional swimmer, and Mohammad makes coffins for a living, and in his free...

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Pussy pic joke NSFW

Jon: Want to see a pussy on my phone, dude?

Eric: yeah man!

Jon: [Passes phone to Eric]

Eric: Why’s it on camera mode?

Eric: Oh

Two of the Trump children were cheating on an exam..

The first question was "Old MacDonald had a ______." Eric tried to see Tiffany's paper, couldn't, so whispered "Tiffany, what's the answer to number 1?" She rolled her eyes and said "You are the stupid one of the family. It's Old MacDonald had a farm, everyone knows that." "Oh right!" said Eric....

I met a Chinese guy at a party and told him, “Do I know you? Are you Chris Chen?”

He said, “No. I’m Eric. Do all Asian guys look the same to you?”

Me: No, I meant do you accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior?

A blonde girl, Debby, drives behind a truck in her car

She notices that the truck is losing its load, so when both the truck and her car come to a stop at a traffic light, Debby steps out and goes to tell the driver that he is losing his load. She stands next to the drivers door, and says: "Hello Sir, my name is Debby and you're losing your load." But t...

The captured explorer...

There was once an intrepid explorer called Eric, he was wandering in a hitherto unknown part of Africa. One day in the jungle, his guides are ambushed and killed with poison darts. Eric is the only one taken alive and he is bound and gagged. They drag him back to their village and present him to the...

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Guy walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm...

Guy walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm and sets it on top of the counter. He says "Anyone that can hand this octopus a musical instrument it cannot play, I will give you $5,000." The first person hands it a trumpet. The octopus takes a look, then spins it around, looks at it then proceed...

I heard Donald Trump pardoned two turkeys this year...

Eric and Don Jr

Whenever a job interviewer asks what my strongest trait is, I tell them I’m responsible.

Because at my old job whenever something bad happened my coworkers would always say, “Eric is responsible.”

A White Horse Walks Into A Bar (long)

The bartender asks "What'll it be?" - The horse says "I feel like a whiskey but I can't make up my mind as to which one." - The bartender scans the shelf full of whiskey bottles and sees a bottle of White Horse Whiskey. He says "I know! I've got a whiskey named after you!" - The horse looks surprise...

The one about the watch

Tim a six year old sees his fellow six year old friend Eric at the playground. Eric's wearing a brand new Spider-man watch.
Tim: Cool watch! Is that new?
Eric: Yea my dad bought it for me yesterday.
Tim: Why? Was it your birthday?
Eric: No...yesterday, Him and my mom went into the bedroo...

A man believed that he was a grain of wheat.

As much as Eric’s family would try, they could not convince him that he was in fact a human man, and not a grain of wheat.

The worst was when Eric even sensed a bird was around. Because he thought he was a grain of wheat, he would completely panic and run as far as he could. He figured that b...

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One of my childhood friend told me this joke a long time ago...

Hyde and Eric are somehow trapped in a forest. As they move forward, they see a Bear.

Hyde immediately climbs on a tree but Eric is unable to climb. Bear goes near Eric and decides not to kill but to butt-fuck him.

When the Bear is done, Eric gets very angry at Hyde that he didn’t hel...

The Answering Machine

Hi, this is Eric.

If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.

If you are my parents, please send money.

If you are a telemarketer, I have no money.

If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.

If you are my friends, you o...

Chris Christie's name...

Is so dumb to me. It's just the male and female version of the same name. Like

Eric Erica
Daniel Danielle
or Bruce Caitlyn

Cracking walnuts

A young boy says to his mother, "Mommy, why would Daddy crack walnuts and feed them to Mrs. Gilroy?" The mother responded, "That's silly, Ryan. Why would you even ask a question like that?" Ryan said, "Because I heard Daddy telling Uncle Eric that he busted a nut in Mrs. Gilroy's mouth and that she ...

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