Only a bad chef blames his tools, Jeremy..

Yeah, but trying to fillet a fish with a spoon just doesn't quite cut it.

"Mom, i'm in the hospital."

"Jeremy, you have been a doctor for 8 years now please stop starting every phone conversation with that."

This joke may contain offensive words. ๐Ÿค”

The owner of a sex shop, hires a new clerk.

After the owner taught him the basics of running the store, he has to run an errand.

'Could you run the store on your own for a couple of hours, Jeremy?' he asks.

'Sure thing boss!' Jeremy replied, 'don't you worry, I've got this.'

So the boss leaves for his errands, leaving you...

This joke may contain offensive words. ๐Ÿค”

Have you heard the one about Ron Jeremy's penis?

It's a real knee slapper.

Jeremy Kyle Headline : Did my parents try to drown me as a baby

No! You might not be used to it but it's called a bath

This joke may contain offensive words. ๐Ÿค”

TIL Ron Jeremy is a porn star

I always thought he was just an actor but as soon as he came on the screen it was clear

Two whales sitting in a bar

One says to the other "oooooooaaaaauuuuyyaaaooooouuuiaaaaaoooeeeee"
The other replies "you're drunk Jeremy"

What does Jeremy Clarkson and Amy Winehouse have in common?

They both used to be on top gear.

Jeremy Clarkson has been suspended. He must have done something that even the BBC find inexcusable

So that rules out child abuse then....

What is Jeremy Clarkson's PIN number?

Nought two sixty.

What's Ron Jeremy's favorite shape?

Erectangle

This joke may contain offensive words. ๐Ÿค”

Two drunk girls stop to pee in a cemetery

Two drunk girls stopped to pee in a cemetery after a long night out drinking and partying.

The first girl squats down by the car and starts to pee. She then realizes she doesn't have anything to wipe with, so she takes her panties off and wipes herself, and throws them away.

The secon...

A grandpa and his 10 year old grandson are at a restaurant...

While they are eating, a baby screams across the restaurant.
The grandpa says "Was that you?"

The 10 year old looked very mad while the grandpa laughed
The next day, the two are watching a world war II movie

During the movie a soldier screams
The boy says "Was that you?...

How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a lightbulb.

One Jeremy! One! We've changed our entire lives, took on lower paying jobs. Spent years and time on therapy and pills and connections so you can have a normal life. So change the damn lightbulb Jeremey. CHANGE THE DAMN LIGHTBULB...

This joke may contain offensive words. ๐Ÿค”

Once in fifth grade this kid called me a homo.

I thought it meant homeless, I was so confused and I said: โ€œJeremy youโ€™ve been to my house!โ€

This joke may contain offensive words. ๐Ÿค”

Harvey Weinstein, Brett Ratner and Kevin Spacey walk into a bar...

Except the bar is actually Peyton Manning on all fours spreading his asshole wide open. Harvey and Brett don't appreciate the "prank" as much as Kevin does so they call their buddy Jeremy Piven to pick them up. The three head to an open-bathrobe party at Ben Affleck's house

Meanwhile, Kevin i...

Mom's birthday gifts

3 guys, who were brothers, were all discussing what gifts they were getting for their elderly mother for her birthday.

The first brother, named Michael, said, "I bought mom her very own Lexus and chauffeur. She was always complaining about not being able to drive well."

Jeremy, the se...

This joke may contain offensive words. ๐Ÿค”

general knowledge quiz

Teacher: "Good morning children, each Thursday we're going to have a general knowledge quiz.

The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday."

Wee Jock (a typical Scottish wag) thinks, "Ya dancer. Ah'm pure dead brilliant at ...

This joke may contain offensive words. ๐Ÿค”

Yesterday my GF seemed very nervous about giving me head...

..and instead was wildly smacking and hitting my thighs and lower stomach.
She seemed to be beating around the bush.

People always say I should be lucky to be able to live off workers comp, but it cost me an arm and a leg!

I was out of town for a couple weeks and I decided letting m...

This joke may contain offensive words. ๐Ÿค”

Computer Quotes

"Remember, never ask a geek "why"; just nod your head and back away slowly... "
Dan Wineman

Memory is like an orgasm. It's a lot better if you don't have to fake it.
Seymour Cray (commenting on virtual memory).

There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and U...