Jeremy Clarkson's 3 rules of car repair:

1. Always use the right tool for the job.

2. The right tool is always a hammer.

3. Every tool can be used as a hammer.

A milkshake was thrown at Jeremy Corbyn today

It's lactose versus intolerance

Why Did Jeremy Corbyn smile when Theresa May offered to resign?

He thought he was getting rid of something overdue-ish.

This joke may contain offensive words. ๐Ÿค”

Jeremy Kyle

After the tragic suicide of a Jeremy Kyle participant, Ofcom said it is looking into other TV shows that may lead to suicide. Sky has said it will no longer be showing Manchester United games

Only a bad chef blames his tools, Jeremy..

Yeah, but trying to fillet a fish with a spoon just doesn't quite cut it.

"Mom, i'm in the hospital."

"Jeremy, you have been a doctor for 8 years now please stop starting every phone conversation with that."

This joke may contain offensive words. ๐Ÿค”

The owner of a sex shop, hires a new clerk.

After the owner taught him the basics of running the store, he has to run an errand.

'Could you run the store on your own for a couple of hours, Jeremy?' he asks.

'Sure thing boss!' Jeremy replied, 'don't you worry, I've got this.'

So the boss leaves for his errands, leaving you...

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Have you heard the one about Ron Jeremy's penis?

It's a real knee slapper.

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TIL Ron Jeremy is a porn star

I always thought he was just an actor but as soon as he came on the screen it was clear

Jeremy Kyle Headline : Did my parents try to drown me as a baby

No! You might not be used to it but it's called a bath

What was Jeremy Clarkson on during Top Gear?

SPEEEED!

Jeremy Clarkson has been suspended. He must have done something that even the BBC find inexcusable

So that rules out child abuse then....

What is Jeremy Clarkson's PIN number?

Nought two sixty.

Jeremy Clarkson is like Marmite

Disgusting

What's Ron Jeremy's favorite shape?

Erectangle

Two whales sitting in a bar

One says to the other "oooooooaaaaauuuuyyaaaooooouuuiaaaaaoooeeeee"
The other replies "you're drunk Jeremy"

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Two drunk girls stop to pee in a cemetery

Two drunk girls stopped to pee in a cemetery after a long night out drinking and partying.

The first girl squats down by the car and starts to pee. She then realizes she doesn't have anything to wipe with, so she takes her panties off and wipes herself, and throws them away.

The secon...

How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a lightbulb.

One Jeremy! One! We've changed our entire lives, took on lower paying jobs. Spent years and time on therapy and pills and connections so you can have a normal life. So change the damn lightbulb Jeremey. CHANGE THE DAMN LIGHTBULB...

This joke may contain offensive words. ๐Ÿค”

Once in fifth grade this kid called me a homo.

I thought it meant homeless, I was so confused and I said: โ€œJeremy youโ€™ve been to my house!โ€

This joke may contain offensive words. ๐Ÿค”

Harvey Weinstein, Brett Ratner and Kevin Spacey walk into a bar...

Except the bar is actually Peyton Manning on all fours spreading his asshole wide open. Harvey and Brett don't appreciate the "prank" as much as Kevin does so they call their buddy Jeremy Piven to pick them up. The three head to an open-bathrobe party at Ben Affleck's house

Meanwhile, Kevin i...

Mom's birthday gifts

3 guys, who were brothers, were all discussing what gifts they were getting for their elderly mother for her birthday.

The first brother, named Michael, said, "I bought mom her very own Lexus and chauffeur. She was always complaining about not being able to drive well."

Jeremy, the se...

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general knowledge quiz

Teacher: "Good morning children, each Thursday we're going to have a general knowledge quiz.

The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday."

Wee Jock (a typical Scottish wag) thinks, "Ya dancer. Ah'm pure dead brilliant at ...

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Yesterday my GF seemed very nervous about giving me head...

..and instead was wildly smacking and hitting my thighs and lower stomach.
She seemed to be beating around the bush.

People always say I should be lucky to be able to live off workers comp, but it cost me an arm and a leg!

I was out of town for a couple weeks and I decided letting m...

This joke may contain offensive words. ๐Ÿค”

Computer Quotes

"Remember, never ask a geek "why"; just nod your head and back away slowly... "
Dan Wineman

Memory is like an orgasm. It's a lot better if you don't have to fake it.
Seymour Cray (commenting on virtual memory).

There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and U...