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Jeremy Jokes

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The owner of a sex shop, hires a new clerk.

After the owner taught him the basics of running the store, he has to run an errand.

'Could you run the store on your own for a couple of hours, Jeremy?' he asks.

'Sure thing boss!' Jeremy replied, 'don't you worry, I've got this.'

So the boss leaves for his errands, leaving you...

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Last night I was offered a threesome by two hot twins

Sex with Jessica felt great, but Jeremy was a pain in the ass.

I know Jeremy Clarkson's PIN number.

It's Zero-Two-Sixty

Credit: Michael Mcintyre

"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital..."

"Jeremy, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."

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Two drunk girls stop to pee in a cemetery

Two drunk girls stopped to pee in a cemetery after a long night out drinking and partying.

The first girl squats down by the car and starts to pee. She then realizes she doesn't have anything to wipe with, so she takes her panties off and wipes herself, and throws them away.

The secon...

Jeremy Clarkson's 3 rules of car repair:

1. Always use the right tool for the job.

2. The right tool is always a hammer.

3. Every tool can be used as a hammer.

Jeremy Clarkson on the farm.

After a disastrous first year on the farm Jeremy Clarkson hatches a new plan and gets ten sows and a hog to make lots of piglets.
He calls the vet and asks for any help and what to look for. The old vet tells him if the hog has been successful the sows will be asleep on their backs with all for ...

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Ron Jeremy was arrested for sexual assault

Because Ron Jeremy is 67 years old, Prosecutors are worried the evidence won't stand up in court.
Further, Ron Jeremy is entitled to a jury of his peers. Prosecutors are afraid it will be a hung jury.

Why Did Jeremy Corbyn smile when Theresa May offered to resign?

He thought he was getting rid of something overdue-ish.

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Jeremy Kyle

After the tragic suicide of a Jeremy Kyle participant, Ofcom said it is looking into other TV shows that may lead to suicide. Sky has said it will no longer be showing Manchester United games

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So Jeremy Corbyn went to see the Queen.

Jeremy Corbyn asked the Queen. "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient organisation? Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well." Said the Queen. "The most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Jeremy Corbyn then asked. "But how do I know if the peo...

Will we be able to watch Robert Plant, while Roger Waters and Jeremy Irons?

Probably not, but Brian May!

Only a bad chef blames his tools, Jeremy..

Yeah, but trying to fillet a fish with a spoon just doesn't quite cut it.

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God asked Ron Jeremy if he wanted a big dick or a good memory

I asked him which one he chose and he said I forgot.

I told Jeremy Renner that he was a lot like my son.

He just laughed and said, "How so?"

I said, "I wish you were never Bourne."

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TIL Ron Jeremy is a porn star

I always thought he was just an actor but as soon as he came on the screen it was clear

Two childhood friends, Thomas and Jeremy, won the first division lottery.

A week after having won millions of dollars, Thomas asked "Hey Jeremy, what do we do about the begging letters now we're millionaires?"

"Ah, we keep sending them out and seeing who responds."

Jeremy Clarkson is like Marmite

Disgusting

What's Ron Jeremy's favorite shape?

Erectangle

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Have you heard the one about Ron Jeremy's penis?

It's a real knee slapper.

What do you call 90 year old named Jeremy that's scored 3 goals?

Jerry Hat-Trick

What does Jeremy Clarkson and Amy Winehouse have in common?

They both used to be on top gear.

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[NSFW] What do racist porn stars and Jeremy Clarkson have in common?

A hatred of the BBC.

Jeremy Kyle Headline : Did my parents try to drown me as a baby

No! You might not be used to it but it's called a bath

Jeremy Clarkson has been suspended. He must have done something that even the BBC find inexcusable

So that rules out child abuse then....

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Two Pastors are Drinking on a Saturday Night

They are discussing service the next morning, and one of them says: "Brother Jeremy, I want to know how much you're planning on putting in the collection plate tomorrow, because I haven't seen you put in any in a long time." Jeremy considers this for a while, and responds: "Well, Brother David, I'd ...

Little Johnny (Long)

A teacher asked her class how many of them were Jeremy Corbyn fans.
Not really knowing what a Jeremy Corbyn fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands . . . except for Little Johnny.
The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different . . aga...

The Horse Was a Rock & Roller

One day, on old Farmer Brown's farm, Farmer Brown left his radio on near his horse, Buckaroo. Buckaroo was a smart horse, and when a particular, guitar-driven Rock song came on, he was inspired. The guitarist was masterful, weaving arpeggios into melodies with feedback and harmonics. Buckaroo was st...

Mom's birthday gifts

3 guys, who were brothers, were all discussing what gifts they were getting for their elderly mother for her birthday.

The first brother, named Michael, said, "I bought mom her very own Lexus and chauffeur. She was always complaining about not being able to drive well."

Jeremy, the se...

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When I was in 4th grade, one of the boys in my class called me "a homo" in front of the class and I thought it meant "homeless".

And I was confused, so I said, "But Jeremy, you've been to my house!"

Two whales sitting in a bar

One says to the other "oooooooaaaaauuuuyyaaaooooouuuiaaaaaoooeeeee"
The other replies "you're drunk Jeremy"

How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a lightbulb.

One Jeremy! One! We've changed our entire lives, took on lower paying jobs. Spent years and time on therapy and pills and connections so you can have a normal life. So change the damn lightbulb Jeremey. CHANGE THE DAMN LIGHTBULB...

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With all these workplace sexual assault cases it makes me wonder.

How has Ron Jeremy gotten away with it all these years?

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My friend called me feeling really guilty,

He said "I feel really horrible, I had a dream last night that I cheated on my wife with a porn star and we had really nasty dirty sex." "Wow," I said, "Who was the porn star?" he looked at the floor and said "Ron Jeremy."

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general knowledge quiz

Teacher: "Good morning children, each Thursday we're going to have a general knowledge quiz.

The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday."

Wee Jock (a typical Scottish wag) thinks, "Ya dancer. Ah'm pure dead brilliant at ...

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Yesterday my GF seemed very nervous about giving me head...

..and instead was wildly smacking and hitting my thighs and lower stomach.
She seemed to be beating around the bush.

People always say I should be lucky to be able to live off workers comp, but it cost me an arm and a leg!

I was out of town for a couple weeks and I decided letting m...

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