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Gabriel Jokes

Angel Gabriel approached God

“What are you doing there?” he asked.

“Well” said God, “You know this planet I’ve been creating?”

“Yeah, what of it?”

“I’ve discovered that I can cause it to rotate in space, and given the position of that star I made earlier; Sol, it allows, in the most part, for a 24hr period ...

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God: Gabriel, have you finished setting up future events for the 2020s?

Gabriel: Yes, God, I have - wait, did you say 2020s plural? As in the decade?

God: Of course, what else?

Gabriel: I thought you meant 2020 the year.

God: You put a decade worth of history in one year?

Gabriel: Yes

God: Well, shit.

God said to Gabriel:

"I've finally finished my masterpiece. Beautiful mountains, spectacular lochs, and whisky - the most amazing drink in my creation. I shall call this land 'Scotland'"

"That sounds fantastic" Gabriel said. "What have the people of this land done to deserve all this?"

"Well" said God. "Wa...

God created Canada.

On the 6th day God turned to Archangel Gabriel and said: "Today I am going to create a land called Canada, it will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains,beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-l...

Peter Gabriel, after watching Miley Cyrus's "Wrecking Ball" video.

"Well, I certainly don't wanna be HER sledgehammer!"

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Gabriel’s horn or heavens key?

It was time for Father John’s Saturday night bath and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed:

Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John’s nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to d...

Gabriel ask god have about his latest creation

what is this?

"its human"

what is that 2 round thing?

"it's called eyes, so they can see my other creations"

and this thing?

"it's called hands, so they can create things just like i did"

and this?

"it's toe, for the furniture"

what furniture?...

God says to the angel Gabriel: "I'm going to create a land called Canada."

"And Canada will be one of the largest and wealthiest in the world, stretching from the Arctic circle to the Atlantic and Pacific oceans, with breathtaking natural beauty and vast natural resources.

And Canada will have a rich cultural heritage, and its people will be renowned all over the wo...

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A school bus full of Catholic girls get in a terrible accident

Nobody survives. All the girls find themselves standing in line at The Pearly Gates. At the front of the line is the angel Gabriel, next to him is a bowl of holy water.

He asks the first girl, "Lucy, have you ever touched a penis before?" Lucy responds, "Well... just once. Billy showed me hi...

It's amazing that Peter Gabriel and Phil Collins both went solo back in the day

There was a real Exodus from Genesis

Satan and the angel Gabriel were arguing.

Satan and the angel Gabriel were going back and forth about who’s more superlative at this or that and eventually Gabriel blurred out “well I’m lucif!” To which Satan replies “oh yeah?!? Well then I’m lucif-ER!”

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A young nun

excitedly runs to her mother superior.


“What are you going on about? Why are you so happy?” asks the old mother superior.


“I’ve just had the most amazing experience!”, the young nun exclaims.


“I was with our father helping him in the rectory when he said that in bet...

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At the gates of heaven Gabriel is deciding fates.

A man walks up ranting of misfortune. When asked why he's so mad he explained

" I was sure my wife was cheating on me. So one day I left work early to catch her in the act. When I walked into our apartment she was surprised. Nude and sweaty so I knew someone was there. I look under the bed i...

My dad said It was Daniel Gabriel Fahrenheit and Anders Celsius to create the terms used for thermometer scales

I replied: Don't you think it's egocentric to name everything after yourself?
He said: well, to be fair they both worked hard for their degrees!

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In the gateway to heaven, stands Gabriel the angel...

...and a guy comes along who recently passed away. "Welcome to Heaven," said Gabriel, "may I ask how you died?"
The guy says "look you won't believe it, I came home and saw my wife dressing up hastily and realized she was cheating on me. I looked for the fucker everywhere, until I heard screams f...

A man dies and goes to heaven…

St. Pete says “Welcome to heaven. Any questions?”

The man says “Yes. God is supposed to be all knowing, all powerful, and benevolent. Frankly, most people are miserable. There is war, disease, poverty, environmental disaster, genocide, all that. What’s going on?”

St. Pete turn...

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Priest Peter

A priest named Peter was a really great man to God. Always faithful and hard-working. One day, he died and went to the heaven's gates. Besides him was a really drunk bus driver (like, a really bad driver) who died the same day.



Since Peter was thinking that the bus driver may not get ...

The transcriber of the book of Revelations misheard the Angel Gabriel

The world isn't going to end with trumpets.

It's going to end with Trump/Pence.

Gabriel's Horn is a geometric figure formed by rotating f(x)=1/x about the x axis. It has finite volume, but infinite surface area.

This is the complete opposite of the Vuvuzela, which has a finite surface area, but infinite volume

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God Creating Spiders

God: Let it be, that from here onwards spiders shall have eight legs.

Archangel Gabriel: As you command, lord.

God: Also they shall have eight eyes instead of the normal two.

Archangel Gabriel: That seems slightly excessive doesn’t it? But as you wish lord.

God: And gi...

Mother Theresa goes to Heaven

Mother Theresa walks through the pearly gates and sees princes Diana. She asks the angel Gabriel..."Hey...I spent my whole life working to help others...why does Diana have a halo and I dont?" Gabriel answers..."That's not a halo...that's a steering wheel"

Too soon?

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3 guys stand in front of the heaven gateway waiting to enter

Archangel Gabriel greeds them but tell them that because of new rules only the ones with a worthy death story may enter.

First guy in line: "Well.. I came home early from work and found my wife naked and exhausted in bed. I realized her deed and in fury I started looking for her lover and soo...

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A young priest is new to a confregation

And he strikes up a conversation with a young nun. He tells her that on his studies in The Vatican he’s come to understand an important teaching that’s been neglected. Basically, it turns out the kingdom of heaven is sealed with an earthly lock. Luckily, men posses the key and women, the lock itself...

God has been working very hard and needs a vacation

So Gabriel suggests he take a trip down to Earth, “After all,” says Gabriel, “You haven’t been there in forever and things have really been coming along.”

“Are you kidding me?” replies God, “Last time I went there, I banged some Jewish chick and they still haven’t stopped talking about it.”

God is talking to one of His angels.

He asks, "Gabriel, what are the humans doing down there?"

The angel replies, "It seems that they are drinking milk, Lord."

"What sort of milk?" asks God. "I gave them many animals to drink milk from; the cows, the goats..."

"Um...almonds, Lord."

Archangel Starbase, Status Report

Archangel Starbase is operational.

Courier/cargo wing, Gabriel Bay, operating at 90% of capacity.

Medical/Search & Rescue wing, Raphael Bay, ready at three minutes’ notice 24/7.

Military wing, Michael Bay, keeps exploding.

How Scotland was created...

At the beginning of time God was discussing the creation of the world with the angel Gabriel. Leaning back in his golden throne, he told him of his plans for Scotland.

"Gabriel," said god "I am going to give Scotland towering mountains and magnificent glens resplendent with purple Heather. Re...

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Emerson, Lake, and Palmer walk into a bar. . .

RESUBMITTING WITHOUT LINKS



Picture it. June, 1971. London.



Keith Emerson, Greg Lake and Carl Palmer are celebrating the release of their album Tarkus at the Seven Stars Pub.



Very quickly, both ELP and their BACs are riding high.

Nothing can spoil t...

"Dad, how did you come up with my brother's name, 'Legab'?"

"Is it a variation of 'Gabriel' or something?"

"Ah... no sweetie. As you know, your Mom loves bagels so we decided to play with that word".

"Oh... ok. Thanks, Dad!"

"You're welcome, Lana".

Whose going to know?

There was a pastor at a local church who loved to golf, he would try to golf as much as possible whenever he could. He would always watch out for the weather to check if there were any days for golfing.

Now, it so happened that one of the days was the coming Sunday. So, the pastor called in s...

So three nuns have passed and are at the pearly gates..

When they arrive, Gabriel is there and says "Each of you must answer a question correctly to enter heaven."

His question to the first nun was "What was the name of the first woman?" and she replies "Eve!" And of course thats right, so on she goes.

His question to the second nun was "Wh...

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Keeping promises to the grave.

Husband and wife are talking.

H: "Tell me the truth, honey: did you ever cheat me?"

W: "Oh, sweetheart, don't say such things"

H: "I mean it, Jennifer. If you would ever cheat on me, I would turn in my grave"

W: "I swear I never did and never will, my love. I would never ...

The angel Gabriel appeared to Mary and said, "Do not be afraid, Mary, you have found favor with God. You will conceive and give birth to a son, and you are to call him Jesus. He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High."

Mary : I have a boyfriend

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So God's busy making the world...

and Angel Gabriel passes by.

God says, "Look angel Gabriel! Look! I am making a precious land called Israel. It will be full of oil, it shall be fertile, and it shall be the promised land. I am making a chosen people to inhabit it. They shall be called the Jews!"

Angel Gabriel looks at...

A monastery has a barbecue

It is usually prohibited for monks to eat meat, but the abbot one day realised that most monks had rarely eaten meat in their lifetime in the first place.

He decided that it would better for them to indulge in the taste and then learn to stave of the temptation of later consumption, so that ...

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Heaven Between Legs

A nun went to her Mother Superior and asked her to hear a confession.

"Mother, today I experienced the pleasures of the flesh. Father Saunders came to me and told me I had the gates to Heaven between my legs. He then told me he had the key to Heaven and put it in the gates."

"Why tha...

A Mexican immigrant was asked what he does for a living.

"I am a professional boxer."
"A professional boxer?"
"Yes, yes. Everyone in my family is a professional boxer.
We box onions, linens, tomatoes..."

Giving credit where credit's due: This joke was taken from a bit done by Gabriel Iglesias on his show "Stand-Up Revol...

Heaven

Three guys are at the gates of heaven. The angel Gabriel tells them that he has to know how they died before he lets them in. The first guy says "I came home to my apartment on the 4th floor to find that I had been robbed! I was looking around to see if the thief left any signs, and check out the da...

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