TIL that Owen Wilson is a gamer...

Apparently, his favorite game is WoW!

Electronic Arts CEO Andrew Wilson has a one night stand.

The woman he was with contacts him soon after to let him know she was pregnant, and wants him to own up to his mistake.


Andrew then replies, "It's not a mistake, it's surprise mechanics."

If Wilson lent Tom Hanks $20...

Tom Hanks would be Owen Wilson.

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Miss Wilson is teaching her class of 1st graders basic human anatomy...

The teacher aimed her pointer at the female anatomy chart.

“Now class, does anyone know what these are called?” the teacher asked.

“I know! I know!” exclaimed the teacher's pet, Janie, sitting in the first row. “Those are breasts! My mommy has two of those, and she says some day I will...

Arnold Schwarzenegger, Tom Hardy, and Owen Wilson dressed up as musicians for a party.

Tom Hardy said, "I'll be Beethoven."

Owen Wilson said, "I'll be Mozart."


Arnold Schwarzenegger said, "I'll be Bach."

Owen Wilson is an ok actor...

I personally like his brother more, even though he doesn't have that "wow" factor.

Why is Owen Wilson’s nose all messed up?

He KaCHOO’ed too hard!

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Wilson runs a nail factory and decides his business needs a bit of advertising.

He has a chat with a friend who works in marketing and he offers to make a TV ad for Wilson's Nails.
"Give me a week," says the friend, "and I'll be back with a tape."
A week goes by and the marketing executive comes to see Wilson. He puts a cassette in the video and presses play. A Roman sold...

Tom Hanks and his wife Rita have tested positive for COVID-19.

It's not the first time he's been in isolation with a Wilson.

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A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work...

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, ...

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[nsfw] so apparently adult male whales have a 10 foot long penis when fully erect

The only thing i dont get is how rebel wilson fits it in her pants

What's the difference between officer Darren Wilson and Michael Brown?

Officer Wilson can dodge a bullet

Wilson Nails

There's a man named Wilson who owns a nail company, Wilson Nails. Business had been slow lately, so Wilson figures he might want to try putting out a television commercial to drum up some business.

He goes to an advertising agency and meets a man named Gary who assures him he can make the per...

Rainn Wilson to star in the next Harry Potter spin off!

Fantastic Beets And Where To Find Them

A Priest and a Taxi Driver Were Waiting in Line for Judgment at the Pearly Gates

The taxi driver was first. He went to St. Peter and said," I am Brandon Wilson. Taxi driver in New York for fifteen years." Saint Peter looked at his list and smiled. "Welcome Mr. Wilson. Take this silken robe and this golden staff and enter the gates of Heaven." The taxi driver walked through the ...

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My first OC joke. (Long)

A man walks into an antique shop. He approaches the female cashier and
asks, “Is this your store?”

She nods her head, “My parents owned it for a few decades, I had since inherited it.”

The man then asks her, “Would you like to see a magic trick?”

The woman, barley amused, dec...

Wilson & Jesus?

So Jesus went to the tailor to get a new robe made. He loved his new robe so much that he went back to the tailor, a Mr. Wilson, to let him know.

Wilson, always the business man, told Jesus, "Jesus, if you liked it so much, let's go into business together. You've got great a great reputat...

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A man and his family have a pet duck

Most of the time, the duck stays near the little pond that lies in the corner of their property. Every now and then, the duck wanders around, and sometimes crosses the fence into the neighbor's land.

The neighbor, Mr. Wilson, is a bitter, mean old man who always yells at the children for lett...

A very nervous man goes to his doctor

“Mr Wilson,” “the doctor says, “What seems to be the problem?”

“Well doc, a couple months ago I came home from work and caught my wife in bed with another man! In anger I took my gun and went to kill him, but he stopped me and said ‘Hey, hey, hey, come on now, there’s no need for that. Let’s...

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A Sad Day

One day at the retirement home, nurse Wilson notices Mr. Johnson is just moping around looking very sad. So she says to him, "Mr. Johnson, what's wrong?". He says to the nurse "My penis died." Nurse Wilson thinking that his dementia is getting the best of him sympathizes with Mr. Johnson saying "Oh,...

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A man wins an online lottery of $5000 but finds out her entered the wrong email address.

He comes home disappointed and tells his son to send an email kindly requesting him to transfer all the money to his account, since he is the rightful recipient of the cash prize. However, his panic attack kicks in as he realizes he probably won't accept their request, and he tells his son to just s...

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Two rednecks are talking about their sex lives.

"Ma first time was with ma sister and ma cousin!" Billy Joel Cletus exclaims proudly. "What?! Yer first time was a threesome?" Bobby Floyd-Wilson asks. "Nope," says Billy.

Three prisoners were taken to the warden for bad behavior in the prison yard

The three prisoners were brought before the warden after causing trouble out in the prison yard. The warden ordered each of them to receive 3 lashes as punishment. However the warden was still somewhat a kind man and said to them “you each get three lashes but you can put something on your backs if ...

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A boss is confronted with the difficult decision of downsizing one of his employees.

He spends all week reviewing employee files and records and finally narrows it down to two candidates, Jack Wilson or Betty Sims.

Friday comes around and he still hasn't made the decision. They're both equally qualified in every way, and neither has any real black marks on their record. Final...

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A man talks to the priest about the death of his friend

In the confessional, a man comes down and says:

- Father, did you know that Wilson died?

- How sad, son ... But what happened to him?

- He was driving his car near my house at full speed, the brakes failed and the car crashed into a pole. Wilson was launched through the windscre...

I once gave a girl an Australian Kiss.

It's like a French kiss but down under.

credit to Rebel Wilson who I heard it from first.

A boy meets his girlfriend's parents for the first time...

they greet each other and sit down at the family table and begin to get to know each other. During the conversation, the boy feels something terrible brewing in his stomach and decides he can't hold it in anymore. he lets out a silent, but very smelly fart. The Father gets a whiff of the fart, stops...

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One day, the teacher walks into her classroom...

She announces to the class that on Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who gives the right answer can skip school on Monday.

So, on the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are at the beach?" Well, the kids looked at one another, but no one had the answ...

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"What's your name?"

"Colin Fucking Wilson."

"Have you got Tourrettes?"

"No, but the Vicar at my Christening did."

Poor Ajmal.

After playtime, Ms Wilson asks some of her kindergarten kids what they did during playtime.
"What did you do at playtime Tom?"
"I played in the sandpit" said Tom.
"Very good, if you can spell sand, I'll give you a cookie!"
Tom spelled sand and was given a cookie by Ms Wilson.
"What di...

Son, do we have any dop Ted?

son: what's a "dop Ted"?

dad: you are, you are adopted!!

son: ... Nice one dad.

dad: I'm not your dad.

(Dad joke at its finest, credit: Kris Wilson)

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Airplane open mic.

Airline pilot is going through his preflight introduction to the passengers.
"I'm Captain Wilson. We will be flying at 30,000 feet and should be in Denver in about 2 hours. Please relax and enjoy your flight."
After he is finished, thinking he has turned off the microphone, leans over to t...

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Sarah works at a nursing home

One day as she is making her rounds she hears crying coming from Mr. Wilson's room.
She looks into the room and sees Mr. Wilson crying on his bed.
"What is wrong Mr. Wilson?" Sarah asks.
Sobbing Mr. Wilson replied, "My penis died."
"I'm sorry" Sarah says at she pats Mr. Wilson on...

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