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Mess Around Jokes

A guy goes to the doctor

for his annual medical. “Give it to me straight, doctor. Am I going to live to be 100?”

“Well, do you drink, smoke, do drugs, gamble, drive fast, or mess around with loose women?”

“No, certainly not!”

“Then why the hell do you want to live to be 100?”

How are women and electricity similar?

You don't wanna mess around with either without rubber.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A millionaire makes friend with a hitman

They get alone pretty well so the hitman offers the millionaire his sniper rifle to mess around. The rich guy looks out through the scope and finds out that his wife is fucking another man in his house 2 miles away.
The millionaire gets pretty mad and asks the hitman to shoot them. The hitman sa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Farmer's Daughter

On a cold rainy evening, a salesman's car ran out of gas. Not wanting to spend the night in the car, the man sought help. Within 5 minutes the salesman spotted a barn yard light and proceeded to it. He knocked on the house door and an older farmer greeted him there.

The salesman explained he ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A dog went on a backpacking trip to Africa and decided he'd spend a few days in the safari

During one of the days he got lost when suddenly he saw a tiger lurking in the nearby woods. Knowing he had no chance escaping the tiger, he rushed over to a nearby pile of old bones. As the tiger approached ready to devour him for breakfast, the dog turned its back to the tiger, resiliently stuck a...

“Jesus is Watching”

A famous burglar breaks into a house that he knows has a lot of money hidden in a safe. He also knows that the owner, an old man, is away for the weekend. Once he’s inside, he searches all the rooms on the lower floor. He finds nothing. As he walks upstairs to continue to search for the old man’s sa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A traveling salesman asked a farmer to spend the night.

The farmer agreed, but told him he would have to sleep in the barn.

The farmer, being a nice guy and knowing how horny traveling salesmen get told the man, "Look son, see that wall? It's got three holes in it. You can screw the first two but don't mess around with that third hole.

Go...

Girlfriend asked me what to do this evening...

My girlfriend asked me what I wanted to do this evening? Should we go out bowling or should we go upstairs and mess around in the bed? I told her that I am NOT going to put my fingers in some dirty hole where hundreds of guys had put their fingers in before me!!! So we went bowling.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Saloon NSFW

After a long night on the ranch this Ranch Hand decides to go to the saloon. When he gets there he realizes all his favorites are taking for the night so he ask the barkeep

"hey is there anyone free at the moment".

the barkeep replies

"all I got right now son is old granny". <...

A pilot is coming in for a nighttime landing...

He decides to mess around so he turns off his lights and says to the tower:

"Guess who?"

The tower replies by turning off the runway landing lights and says:

"Guess where?"

(from my old flight instructor) :)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Three Chinese Tortures...

One day a man goes into a hotel and asks for a room to stay in. The manager gives him a room and warns him not to mess around with his daughter or he'll get the *“Three Chinese Tortures.”*

On his way to his room the man sees the manager's daughter. She's very beautiful and he figures he'll e...

So Jesus and St. Peter go out to play golf

Jesus and St. Peter go to play golf one day. St. Peter tees off first and hits a beautiful drive straight down the fairway and lands perfectly 3 feet away from the hole. "Good job," says Jesus, "now let me see what I can do." Jesus tees off and shanks miserably. The ball bounces off a tree and lands...

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