What do you call an explosive monkey?

A baboom

Two monkeys sat in a bath...

The first monkey goes “ooh ooh ooh ahh ahh ahh”

Second monkey says “oh I’ll add some cold then”

Once there was a lion and a monkey.

The monkey said, “I can make the weather change.” And the lion said, “No, you can’t.”

So the monkey started climbing up the tree. And then he started peeing on the lion’s head. “Now it’s raining!” Then he started farting. “Now there’s thunder!” Then he started doo-dooing. “Now it’s snowing...

You know I don't understand the deal with Americans and their hatred of the French and calling them surrender monkeys. I mean if it wasn't for the French we'd be speaking English right now.

Wait

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when

a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.”
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘d...

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A guy and his pet monkey

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.

He orders a drink and while he's drinking,
the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and
eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool
table and grabs one of the...

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villager that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villager that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to dimi...

My friend did not believe in the existence of trousers for monkeys.

I looked them up on the internet and told him,

"Chimp pants, see?"

Recently, monkeys escaped from an animal testing lab and broke into the adjacent chemistry lab. Some ingested potassium metal and exploded.

There were Rhesus pieces everywhere.

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The weirdest job I had was cleaning the monkey cages at our local zoo.

That shit was bananas.

Someone told me today that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

Pretty obvious, since I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

Aladdin and his monkey, Abu, find a magic lamp.

The genie emerges and offers three wishes. Aladdin laments, “I’m just a poor lonely thief. My only friend is my monkey Abu here. I wish I could cover my eyes with my hands and when I uncover them, a new friend would appear.”

The genie says, “It is granted,” and Aladdin tries it out. He covers...

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Because it was dead

Three little monkeys jumping on the bed,

One fell off and bumped its head, mama called the doctor and the doctor said, "If you or a loved one has been diagnosed with mesothelioma you may be entitled to financial compensation."

A joke from my uncle about two monkeys who were best friends...

I had two pet monkeys who were the best of friends, they did everything together. They went to the park together, they bathed together and even shared each others food.

One day i decided to nip to the shop to buy some milk, and upon my return i found that one monkey had fallen off the balcon...

A monkey walks into a bar and ask the bartender for bananas...

“DO YOU HAVE BANANAS?!?!” ask the monkey.
“No... we don’t...?” answer the bartender, confused.
“DO YOU BANANAS?!?!” ask the monkey once again
“No. We don’t. I told you that”
“DOOO YOOOU HAVE BANANAAAS ?!?!?!” ask the monkey again.
Upset, the bartender answer “NO. WE. DO. NOT. HAVE. BA...

What do you call a monkey in a mine field?

A babooooom!

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Just Monkeying Around

Guy goes to the zoo and is hanging out around the outdoor monkey cage. There's lots of people about and he can't see much, so he leans in over the safety rail to get a better look. A chimp, unseen until that moment, reaches through the bars and snatches a box of matches out of his shirt breast pocke...

What do you call a monkey that's a fan of The Office?

A Jim-Pam-zee.

What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?

Prime mates.

What type of monkey goes into a mine field?

A baboon


haha im so funny

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A monkey walks up to the lion and starts taunting him

"You stupid jerk! You cannot do anything to me", the lioness looks at the lion hearing that and gets surprised of his lack of reaction.

The monkey goes on "Imma fuck your momma you stupid lion!", the lion keeps ignoring the monkey, so the lioness asks "honey are you going to allow this peasa...

Two monkeys were about to get in a bath. One dipped its toe in and said "oo oo ah ah".

The other said "Jesus Gerald, if it's that hot run the cold tap for a few minutes!"

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he l...

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A man walks into the bar with a monkey on his shoulder

He sits at the bar and orders a beer. As the bartender is pouring his beer the monkey jumps off his shoulder and proceeds to eat everything in sight.

He eats all the bowls of mixed nuts, eats all the popcorn, jumps over the bar and eats all the marschianno cherries and all the green olives. ...

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

He had a heart attack.



Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?

He was holding on to the first monkey.



Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?

Peer pressure

It is said that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the complete works of Shakespeare

Today, thanks to the Internet, we know that is not true

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An Englishman is delivering four monkeys to Dublin zoo when his van breaks down

Stopped at the side of the road he sees Paddy in an empty van behind him so he flags him down.

“Alright mate, I’m in a spot of bother here, If I give you fifty quid will you bring these monkeys down to the zoo for me?” says the Englishman

“No bother at all, load them up” says Paddy a...

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A monkey is sitting on a riverbank, smoking weed.

A frog, swimming by, gets a whiff and makes a beeline to the shore:

'Hey dude! Mind if I take a puff?'

'Get out of town,' says the monkey. 'You're so small you'll be off your face after the first hit.'

'Oh come on, just a little bit! I've always wanted to try it.'

'Well, ...

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Two monkeys, one is lucky and the other is not...

Everyday they go to a banana farm and the lucky one climbs a tree and throws the bananas to the other one. And everyday, the farm owner gathers the farmers and catch the unlucky monkey and beat him.



One day, the unlucky monkey is fed up with the beating and tells the lucky monkey to w...

An Englishman was bringing monkeys to the zoo

On his way to the zoo his van breaks down. The monkeys really needed to get to the zoo so the Englishman calls his Irish friend Paddy.

Englishman: 'Paddy, I'll give you £50 if you take these monkeys to the zoo for me'

Paddy: 'Aye not a problem lad, I'll be right there'

So Paddy ...

Human Life Explained

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the o...

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

It was dead.

Why did the second monkey fall out the tree?

It was stapled to the first monkey.

Why did the fridge fall out the tree?

It’s a fridge. It can’t hold on.

Why did the little boy fall off his bike?

He got hit by two monkeys and a fridge.

Monkey sees Elephant climbing a banana tree.

Confused, Monkey calls out to Elephant, "Hey, Elephant, why are you climbing that tree?"

Elephant says, "I'm going to eat me a mango!"

Monkey responds, "But that isn't a mango tree!?!"

Elephant says, "Don't worry about it, I brought my own."

Monkey see, monkey do. Honey see,

Honeydew.

My wife asked me to stop singing “I’m a Believer” by The Monkeys. At first I thought she was kidding.

But then I saw her face...

What kind of monkey is the biggest coward?

A chim-PANSY

I was walking through the jungle when I noticed a monkey holding a can opener

"You can't open a banana with a can opener"
I said
"I know" he replied,
"this is for the custard"

A woman seated while flying in economy and holding her baby in her arms, was startled when the man sitting behind her bent forward to say "Ma'am that is one ugly baby you have there!"

The woman, wide-eyed and open-mouthed, was so shocked she could barely retort "Well I ... I never!"

The man continued: "I'm just being honest with you ma'am, I mean, I've seen some ugly babies in my time, but yours is a real showstopper".

Quite overwhelmed, the woman called a fligh...

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[NSFW] Count your days of blessing!

The monkey wife is tired of her husband's aggressive sex drive and so she prays to God for help. God appears and asks what can He do for her.
"Well, take his penis away for a month!", she goes. God tells her that that won't be fair to the monkey alone. "So take the dicks of all the animals for a...

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A business is like a tree full of monkeys

A business is like a tree full of monkeys. Some are going up, some are going down. All on different levels and branches.

When the monkeys on top look down, they see a bunch of smiling faces.

When the monkeys below look up, they see a bunch of assholes.

TIL that, on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

This is partially due to the fact that most humans don't like the taste of monkey.

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A guy walks into a bar wiht a monkey on his shoulder.

The guy sits down gets his drink and then the monkey jumps off his shoulder onto the bar. The monkey runs down the bar eating all the lemons, limes and cherries.

Bartender: What the hell man?!

Guy: I'm sorry, I just got him and I'm still training him. I'll pay for it.



Th...

What kind of key opens a banana?

A monkey!

What's a monkeys favourite dessert?

Lemon Morangutan Pie.

I'm sorry.

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Five monkeys - an experiment

Start with a cage containing five monkeys. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana.

As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monk...

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I was watching this animal instructor show off this monkey. The monkey began acting up, and that's when shit hit the fan.

Even the janitor refused to clean up the mess...

How do you cook a monkey?

You gorilla it

The monkey and the lizard

A lizard was walking through the jungle one day when he spotted a monkey up in a tree. The lizard called, "Hey Monkey, what are you doing up there?" to which the monkey replied, "Dude, I'm smoking pot...wanna join me?" The lizard agrees, and he and the monkey spend the next few hours getting stoned ...

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A man walks into a bar...

...with a little monkey on his shoulder. Man orders a beer and the little monkey is excitedly looking around at all the sights. Man sips on his beer and the monkey spies a bowl of peanuts at one end of the bar so he scampers over and proceeds to scarf down all the peanuts. Bartender sees all this, l...

A monkey is sitting on a tree, smoking weed...

The lizard walks by, gazes at him in amazement, then asks:

“Hey monkey, what are you doing up there?”

“I’m smoking bud. Come up here bro, sharing is caring.”

So the lizard climbs up the tree and the two smoke a few joints. The lizard isn’t really used to the effects, so he gets ...

Why did the chicken cross the monkey bars?

To get to the other slide

What do you get when you cross a lab monkey and a bully?

I don’t know, but it’s about to beat you up after Rhesus..

Disclaimer: Took this one from r/adviceanimals

A zookeeper stumbles across a man throwing five-dollar bills into the monkey cage.

“What the heck are you doing?” the zookeeper asks.



“The signs says it’s cool,” the man answers, pointing to a sign in front of the cages.



“No, it doesn’t,” the zookeeper replies.



“Sure it does,” says the man, tossing another bill in the cage. “It says, ‘D...

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Pesky monkey

A lion was on a date with a lioness he was chasing after for months and finally got his chance to take her out to a picnic.

While they were enjoying their romantic outing, a monkey jumped out and started making fun of the lion.

The lioness looked at the lion and said "aren't you going ...

A monkey was smoking weed

sitting on a tree. A lizard spots and asks what he's upto. The monkey says he's smoking the \*\*best weed in the world\*\*. The lizard climbs up excitedly and shares the joint with the monkey. After a while the lizard starts feeling thirsty, so the monkey pointed him to the river. The lizard climbs ...

A man walks into a bar with a monkey on a leash

The bartender says “I’m sorry, but we don’t allow pets in here”

The man responds “Oh I’m blind, this little fella helps me see”

The bartender, a little confused, says “I’ve never heard of a seeing eye monkey before”

“They gave me a monkey?!”

Why did the monkey walk to school by himself?

He had no primates.

CIA, MI5 and the Turkish secret service (MIT) are in a contest

And they are tasked with finding a monkey in a rainforest.

CIA goes in with its drones and tech, and comes back with the monkey in 2 hours.

MI5 goes in and with their network in the jungle villages and infiltration techniques they come back with the monkey in 1 hour.

MIT,the Tur...

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The wizard and the monkey and the alligator.

A wizard is walking through the forest when he stumbles on to a monkey in a tree. The wizard asks what the monkey is doing and the monkey replies nothing just chilling smoking this joint. The monkey then asks if the wizard would like to join. The wizard does. After smoking the joint the wizard gets...

What is a monkey’s favorite type of coffee?

Capuchin-o!

I told my girlfriend that she looks like a monkey

And she went bananas

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Two monkeys were sitting in a tree

and a lion was sleeping below them. One monkey said to the other monkey "I dare you to go down there and fuck that lion in the ass."

The other monkey said o.k.

So he goes down the tree and fucks the lion in the ass.

When the lion realized what was happening, he shook the monke...

What do you call a monkey eating a pavlova?

A meringutan

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A monkey is smoking weed in a tree

and an iguana comes by and sees the monkey and decides to smoke with the monkey.

A while later the iguana suffering from cotton mouth decides to go to the river to drink some water. At the river the iguana runs into an alligator. The alligator sees the Iguana and says “Hey man, whats wrong w...

What kind of monkey likes seafood?

A Shrimpanzee

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A monkey is smoking a joint in a tree...

An iguana walks by and joins him in a few tokes. After a few minutes the iguana gets cottonmouth and goes to get a drink from the river.

While he’s gone an alligator smells the aroma and wanders over to the tree.

The monkey looks down from his branch and yells “Holy shit! How much wa...

Did you know that if you put 10,000 monkeys in a room with 10,000 typewriters then....

...... you're a rich, eccentric weirdo who should be prosecuted for animal cruelty.

Do you eat monkeys?

Because I want to put Macauqe in your mouth.

What martial art do monkeys do?

Flung Poo.

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NSFW: Guy walks into a bar and sees a monkey by the barkeep

"Hey keep I'll have what's on tap, and what's with the monkey"

"Watch this." The bartender then holds up one finger and the monkey jumps in to action. He gets a mug, fills it with the tap beer and gives it to the man.

"Holy cow" the man says, "That's amazing does he do any other tricks...

The monkey

So a college girl really wants to buy a monkey, but she knows her dad will not send the money for such a pet. So she emails her dad and asks for money to buy a bicycle.

The money comes, and she buys the cute little monkey.

After about a week, she notices that clumps of hair are falling...

If you give a monkey a typewriter, it will eventually write Shakespeare...

...If you give a monkey a camcorder, it will eventually film a dead body and post it to the internet.

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I went to the zoo the other day...

And I saw the monkeys wanking...

Then I went to see the giraffes, and I was still wanking.

What do you call a flying monkey?

A hot air baboon

A monkey walks into a bar

A monkey goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the ...

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A man visits a friend who surprises him accompanied by a new pet monkey

His friend explains that this monkey is special, and without losing time he demonstrates why. He hits the monkey in the head, and the monkey performs a fantastic blow job. Three minutes pass, he hits the monkey again and the monkey stops. The friend starts chatting casually, ignoring the monkey. The...

A monkey and a weasel go to a bar in California

The monkey sits down at the bar and orders a beer. He gestures at the weasel and says, "he's driving though, so no beer for him." The bartender turns to the weasel and says, "alright, what'll you have?"

"Soda," goes the weasel.

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A fox is trying to relax on his day off and decides to smoke a joint...

While he's rolling it up, a rabbit passes by and sees him in the act.

"Hey fox! What you doing bro? Smoking weed? You know that stuff is bad for you! Let's go for a run instead! Running is healthy, and there's no better feeling than health!"

The fox, slightly embarrassed of his smoking...

A monkey is in a tree smoking a joint...

A monkey is in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard crawls up the branch to the money and asks "What are you doing?" The monkey responds, "Smoking a joint. Want a hit?"

The lizard takes a long drag and after a minute says "I'm so thirsty, I need to take a drink from the nearby lake." The li...

Why don't monkeys wear pocket watches?

It's because they don't wear pants

One monkey says to another monkey, “what rhymes with Banana” and the other monkey says

“No it doesn’t.”

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A monkey was smoking a blunt at the top of a tree...

When a lizard walking by smells the weed. She looks up and yells "Hey Monkey! Is that you?"

The monkey looks down and says "Oh hey man, come on up and take some hits."

After climbing up, the lizard starts to toke away with the monkey when she starts to get hungry.
She takes a puff a...

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