Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each...

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of ...

I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "It’s true!"

"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A monkey is smoking a joint on a tree..

..a lizard comes by and asks: "monkey why are your eyes so red?", monkey replies: "i'm smoking a joint, do you want some?". Confused lizard asks: "i don't know, what's a joint?" Monkey says to him to come up to tree and he'll show him. After two joints they are both waisted and the lizard complains ...

A monkey is smoking a joint

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says "Hey! what are you doing?" The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and join me" So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his ...

They say 1 million monkeys with 1 million keyboards can produce the entire works of Shakespeare...

...Thanks to the internet we now know that's not true

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to the zoo and I saw the monkeys masturbating.

I then saw the giraffes and I was still masturbating.

2 monkeys sat on a branch, one says "ooh ooohh aha ha aha!"

The other says "careful, that's hot."

A monkey asks another monkey

- What are you doing?
- Eating a banana.
- But why is it brown?
- Because I'm eating it the second time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Chuck Norris injected his blood into a monkey, a fish, and a lizard.

These are now known as King Kong, Jaws, and Godzilla.

What every athlete says after winning: "First of all, I'd like to thank Chuck Norris for not competing."

Chuck can eat Chinese food with one chopstick.

Chuck threw a few rocks into the Pacific Ocean. These are now known as Ha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a rude monkey who always made fun of the a lion.

So there lion always ignored him and pretended the monkey didn't exist. Anyhow one time the monkey came and barraged the lion with insults, while a lioness was watching.

As usual the lion ignored, even though the monkey was on the ground, not even trying to hide.

Angry at the lion, th...

Did you know hellen Keller had a monkey?

She didn’t either.

A monkey and a chameleon are smoking a joint in a tree

The chameleon says to the monkey “man I’m thirsty” to which the monkey replies “go down to the river and get a drink of water”.

So the chameleon crawls down the tree and wobbles over to the river bank. He leans down to take a sip and falls in.

As soon as he does, an alligator scoops ...

Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?

They were Prime mates.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.

He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar.

Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"...

What do depressed people and monkeys have in common?

They hang from trees

A man walks into a bar with his monkey.

The man and his monkey take a seat at the bar and the man orders two beers. The monkey is cool for a while, sipping his beer, but then jumps up from his stool, runs over to the billiard table and eats one of the balls. He then returns to his stool, and resumes drinking his beer.

Before the b...

What is a monkey’s favourite drink?

A Capuchin-o

What kind of monkey can fly?

A hot air baboon

TIL people eat way more bananas every year than monkeys

Because unlike monkeys, bananas are farmed

What's a good day to see tailless monkeys at the zoo?

Any gibbon day of the week

Micky is transporting a van load on Monkeys to Dublin Zoo when he breaks down on the side of the road.

While waiting for the AA he sees Paddy driving towards him.
Micky flags Paddy down and says "Paddy I'll give you €100 can you take these monkeys to Dublin zoo while I wait for the AA"
"Sure Micky, no bother" Paddy replies and then starts loading them into the van.

An hour later Micky i...

Why did the monkey defect from the Soviet Union?

It could not find any bananas

Monkey Jokes

Why was the monkey sent to a mental hospital? Because, he was BANANAS!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bus crashes, and everyone onboard dies, the only survivor is a monkey. A cop comes to interrogate the monkey...

Monkeys can't speak, just picture the gestures...

Cop: So what did you see?

Monkey: places fingers to lips and sucks in

Cop: So they were doing drugs?

Monkey: nods yes

Cop: So what else did you see?

Monkey: cups hand up to lips and tilts head back

Cop...

A new study says humans eat bananas more than monkeys.

I believe it. I know lots of people who eat bananas and none who eat monkeys.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the monkey paint his balls red?

So he could hide in cherry trees.

What’s the loudest noise in the jungle? Elephants eating cherries.

An Aligator and a Monkey meet by the river. The monkey is smoking something.

Aligator: Hey, what have you got there?

Monkey: I've got some of that good stuff man, it's that OG kush everyone's been talking about, you'll take one puff and you're gone! I'm telling you!

Aligator: Nah, mate,that's bull, lemme try some tho.

Aligator pulls once, nothing. Twice....

There's a dog walking in the jungle.

Being a dog, he has amazing hearing, and heard a leopard sneaking up on him. He found a bone and starts chewing on it and remarks rather loudly "that was a tasty leopard, I wonder if there's anymore around here!" The leopard, startled by the comment, leaves in a hurry. Meanwhile up in the trees, a m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a monkey questioning their sexuality

Bicurious george

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[nsfw] A monkey is walking through the jungle when he spies a sleeping lion...

The monkey says, "King of the jungle, eh? I bet I could fuck that lion right up the ass. That'd make ME king of the jungle!" So he lifts up the lion's tail and starts going to town.

The lion wakes up and roars, "WHAT THE HELL???" and starts chasing the monkey through the jungle. After about 2...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lion was sitting calmly while a monkey comes up to him and starts teasing him. Lion keeps ignoring the monkey.

A lion was sitting calmly while a monkey comes up to him and starts teasing him. Lion keeps ignoring the monkey.

A lioness comes and asks lion why is he ignoring the monkey. Lion asks her to mind her own business and ignore the monkey. Lioness ignores lion’s advice and starts to chase the mo...

The fascist, the coward, and the yellow monkey were what the US call their enemy in WW2...

... now that is what they call their president.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs.

She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.

Her mom calmly said, "That part where the hair has grown is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair."

The girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister, "My monkey has grown hair."

Her sister smiled and sai...

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a monkey.

The shop owner points to 3 identical looking monkeys on a perch and says the monkey on the left cost $ 500.00

Why does that one cost so much? asked the shopper.

The owner says well the monkey knows how to use a computer.

The man then asks about the next monkey and was told that ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two monkeys, one is lucky and the other is not...

Everyday they go to a banana farm and the lucky one climbs a tree and throws the bananas to the other one. And everyday, the farm owner gathers the farmers and catch the unlucky monkey and beat him.



One day, the unlucky monkey is fed up with the beating and tells the lucky monkey to w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three Farmers, a Pig and a Monkey

Three Farmers are raising a pig for the fair, trying to put their brains together to beat everyone else out. One of them gets the idea to put a cork in its butt, "if it can't poop it will get huge!" So they do this, and when the fair comes it's the biggest pig the county has ever seen and they win. ...

three monkeys walk into a bar..

and the fourth one ducks!

The Hyena and the Monkey

In the jungle a hyena was talking to a monkey. He said to the monkey "You see that big clump of trees over there?"

The monkey says "Yes, what about them?"

"Well, I go through there every day to get home, I don't have to, it's just a shortcut" said the hyena

"Alright, so?" asked ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A monkey was casually waking in the woods on a moonlit night.

He saw an elephant drinking vodka and decided to go talk to him.
"My friend!" the monkey said- "Alcohol is bad for your health. Why don't you stop drinking and join me to enjoy the beauty of nature?"

The elephant thought about it for a second and decided to join the monkey.
The two of t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Aliens abducted a parrot, a monkey, and a blonde

Aliens abducted a parrot, a monkey, and a blonde. They got locked up in sealed, completely empty chambers with one tiny solid diamond window and a special force field to keep them alive. The aliens then gave each of them 3 titanium ball bearings, and left them for a week.

When they came back,...

A man was moving to another country and needed to find a new home for his 15 pet monkeys.

He saw a man driving down the road with a big van and so he shouted after him,

"I'll give you €50 to bring these monkeys to the zoo for me"

The man with the van agreed and left with the monkeys in his van.

A couple of hours go by and while he is on his way to the airport, he see...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Monkeys arrested

I just read about a zoo in Florida, where 3 monkies were arrested for lighting their feces on fire, and flinging them at zoo workers.

A few of the workers were sent to the hospital for turd degree burns.

10 little monkeys

10 little monkeys were jumping on the bed.



One fell off and bumped his head.



Mama called the doctor and the doctor said:



Take your schizophrenia pill f***ing idiot.

A Rabbit, a Monkey and a Llama walks into a bar.

The bartender looks at them, and goes:" I think you're ALL in the wrong joke."

The rabbit says :"Man this is worse than when I was just a typo."

What's a pirates favorite monkey?

An Aye-aye, Captain.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A monkey walks up to the lion and starts taunting him

"You stupid jerk! You cannot do anything to me", the lioness looks at the lion hearing that and gets surprised of his lack of reaction.

The monkey goes on "Imma fuck your momma you stupid lion!", the lion keeps ignoring the monkey, so the lioness asks "honey are you going to allow this peasa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The craziest job I ever had was cleaning the monkey cages in our local zoo.

That shit was bananas.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guest speaker came to my school and tried to tell us that we evolved from monkeys.

I got so angry I flung poop at him.

How are people born?

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Fresh married couple goes to a therapist

The husband was sitting there bored and the woman was angry at him.
The therapist saw that and asks the woman:


What seems to be the problem?


She says: I don't know, doctor. Since we got married he isn't paying attention to me. He doesn't even look at me. We haven't had sex i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lizard and a monkey smoke some weed

After a long day of surving in the African bush, Monkey and Lizard are chilling in a tree smoking a fat bush blunt. After a while Lizard tells monkey he needs a drink and goes down to the river. He bends down to take a sip and being stoned to his little lizard bones, he fell in the river and starte...

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "This guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm... that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says "Woah! This guy seems tougher then he l...

Did you know before they had Monkey bars

Monkeys would just drink at home.

Humans can catch diseases from monkeys and bats, but why not anteaters?

Because they are filled with anty bodies.

What is the difference between a prince, a bald headed man, a monkey and an orphan?

The first is an heir apparent, the second has no apparent hair, the third has hairy parent and the last has nary a parent.

What do you call a t-shirt with a half man, half monkey hybrid on it?

A chimp-man tee

Age brings wisdom

A cruel pet owner abandons his old dog in the deepest jungles of Africa. Wandering around, the poor old dog notices a leopard coming rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

Just then, the old dog noticed some bones laying on the ground close by. 
The dog immediately se...

Two monkeys are having a bath. One says “ooh ooh ooh aah aah aah”

The other responds “put some cold water in then!”

Where do monkeys go to get their fast food?

Burger Kong.

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

He was dead!!

What do you call a monkey in a mine field?

A Ba-BOON

We all heard that saying where if a million monkey banging on a million typewriter will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare.

Now thank to the internet we know it’s not true.

There once was a monkey who lived in a jungle.

Now this monkey was very intelligent and had started to get fed up of eating with her hands. After a long time planning and sketching on leaves, she finally created some tools to help her eat!
Her first, she called a sharp tool which she used for cutting her food.
Her second was a round tool w...

Just a Little too Much, I'd say....

An iguana is walking through the jungle and stops when he smells weed being smoked. He looks up and sees a monkey smoking a joint. Iguana says, "Hey monkey can I join you? I'm having a bad day."

Monkey tells him yes and he climbed up and joined the monkey. Halfway through the monkey asks the...

What did the monkey say after his tail got caught in the lawnmower?

Won't be long now!

My 8 year old son just told me this : What do you call a flying monkey ?

A hot air baboon !

A woman gets on a bus with her baby.

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says “Ugh – that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!”

The woman walks to the back of the bus and sits down.

She says to the man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on. I’ll...

intelligent monkey

A Grandmother buys a bag of peanuts so her Grandson can feed the monkeys at the Zoo. Upon receiving a peanut one monkey inserted the hull rectally, nodded, then extracted and devoured it. The Grandmother informed the Head Zookeeper of the animals' aberrant behavior, saying " That monkey is either p...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My go-to joke: the monkey who dunks his balls in the whiskey

This joke has probably been posted in here before, but what the hell, it’s my favorite.

So this guy walks into a bar. He asks the bartender for a glass of whiskey, double shot, no ice.
“There you go, sir”, says the bartender, and hands the man his whiskey.
Suddenly, a monkey appear...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man with his pet monkey walks into a bar

As he is ordering a drink the monkey sneaks away and, when no one is looking, it steals the cherry on top of a woman's drink and eats it. This annoys the woman and the man apologises for the actions of his pet monkey and leaves. He returns the next day and once again, when no one is looking the monk...

I hate monkey bars

They only have banana daiquiris

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar with a monkey. Proceeds to the bar, and asks the bartender if he can sit and have a few beers as his monkey joins him.

It’s slow, so the bartender says “sure.”

After a few drinks, the guy asks the bartender if he would keep an eye on his monkey while he uses the...

What did the tropical bird say when the monkey stole his fruit?

Toucan play at that game.

American version of Poems

All Around The Mulberry Bush
The Monkey Chased The weasel
the monkey stopped to load his glock
***POP!*** Goes the weasel.....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Tiger is getting married to the Tigress and the whole Jungle is invited. except the Monkey:



A Tiger is getting married to the Tigress and the whole Jungle is invited. except the Monkey.

After the ceremony, everyone returns to their own place and the newly wed couple are returning to theirs.

While on their way, the Monkey suddenly appears and shouts:

"Hey you ...

I was chatting to a girl online and she said her parents were monkeys. I figured she had to be lying.

Then I saw her face, now Imma believe her.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once all the females of the jungle went to the Lion, king of the Jungle.

They complained that the males always keep having sex with them and wouldn't let them take rest.

The Lion told them he would do something. He called for all the males of the jungle and told them to deposit their dicks with him and told them they could only have them after 4 weeks. He gave the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman's got a vanload of monkeys

So an Englishman's got a vanload of monkeys; he's taking them to the zoo. About half way there his van breaks down, so he pulls over. Anyway, he looks in his rear-view mirror and he sees Paddy comming up behind him with an empty van, so he pulls him over. The Englishman says "Paddy, if I give you 50...

This one just came from my 3 year old, she’s still learning jokes: What do you call a monkey on a swing?

A monkey going “wee-wee”

Normally her jokes don’t make *any* sense, but this one actually made us laugh

It is inappropriate to call people "monkeys"

The politically correct term is "orangutan".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nothing ruins sex with a monkey faster than...

Remembering you work in an AIDS research lab.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the monkey do when he saw the rabbit?

Painted his balls orange to look like a carrot!

Two monkeys sat in a bath...

The first monkey goes “ooh ooh ooh ahh ahh ahh”

Second monkey says “oh I’ll add some cold then”

Have you heard of the often repeated story of the monkey whose tail got kicked twice?

It is a twice toed tail

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A monkey asked another monkey how does he have sex.

"With macaque"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Monkey

This guy comes into a bar with a monkey. While the guy is having a drink at the bar, the monkey climbs onto a pool table, picks up the cue ball, and eats it. Seeing this, the bartender approaches the man and asks "What's up with the monkey? He ate my damn cue ball!!"

The man apologizes and sa...

Hey girl do you have monkey wrench eyes?

Because every time you look at me I feel my nuts get a little tighter

A British man was deliverying a monkey to a zoon when his van broke down...

He rang the repair company but they told him they won't be out to him for another four hours. He began to panic because the monkey had to be delivered in an hour or he wasn't getting paid.

Not two minutes went by before an Irish man was driving by and pulled over to see if the British man nee...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three guys participate in an annual contest of monkey breeding..

The rules are simple, each participant have an intercourse with a monkey, who can make the monkey give birth to most baby monkeys, wins.

Number three is the last 3 years champion and a natural favorite. Everybody bets their money on him.

First guy gets in an spends 4 hours with the mon...

What did the Bostonian zookeeper say when the monkey hit him in the junk?

Macaque!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A gecko was walking through the forest, when he saw a lot of smoke at the top of the tree where his friend monkey lived.

"He's got some good stuff there", he thought. He climbed up the tree and met his friend monkey, who was already high.

They smoked together for a while, then the gecko felt very thirsty. "I'll go down to the river and get some water, brb", he said to his friend.

As he was having his fre...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.