A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he l...

Someone told me today that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

Pretty obvious, since I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.”
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have anoth...

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A guy and his pet monkey

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.

He orders a drink and while he's drinking,
the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and
eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool
table and grabs one of the...

Human Life Explained

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the o...

A woman seated while flying in economy and holding her baby in her arms, was startled when the man sitting behind her bent forward to say "Ma'am that is one ugly baby you have there!"

The woman, wide-eyed and open-mouthed, was so shocked she could barely retort "Well I ... I never!"

The man continued: "I'm just being honest with you ma'am, I mean, I've seen some ugly babies in my time, but yours is a real showstopper".

Quite overwhelmed, the woman called a fligh...

What do you call a monkey in a mine field?

A babooooom!

What do you call a monkey that's a fan of The Office?

A Jim-Pam-zee.

Two monkeys were about to get in a bath. One dipped its toe in and said "oo oo ah ah".

The other said "Jesus Gerald, if it's that hot run the cold tap for a few minutes!"

Three little monkeys jumping on the bed,

One fell off and bumped its head, mama called the doctor and the doctor said, "If you or a loved one has been diagnosed with mesothelioma you may be entitled to financial compensation."

What do you call a monkey in the Arctic?

Lost.

What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?

Prime mates.

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A man walks into the bar with a monkey on his shoulder

He sits at the bar and orders a beer. As the bartender is pouring his beer the monkey jumps off his shoulder and proceeds to eat everything in sight.

He eats all the bowls of mixed nuts, eats all the popcorn, jumps over the bar and eats all the marschianno cherries and all the green olives. ...

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

He had a heart attack.



Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?

He was holding on to the first monkey.



Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?

Peer pressure

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A monkey walks up to the lion and starts taunting him

"You stupid jerk! You cannot do anything to me", the lioness looks at the lion hearing that and gets surprised of his lack of reaction.

The monkey goes on "Imma fuck your momma you stupid lion!", the lion keeps ignoring the monkey, so the lioness asks "honey are you going to allow this peasa...

What type of monkey goes into a mine field?

A baboon


haha im so funny

What did the monkey say when he was kicked between the legs?

Oh macaque!

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A man walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder

He sits at the bar for a drink. His pet monkey hops off his shoulder and grabs a handful of peanuts and swallows them whole. He next grabs some pickled eggs and swallows them whole. He then hops onto the pool table and swallows a pool ball.

The bartender says what the hells wrong with him. Th...

An Englishman was bringing monkeys to the zoo

On his way to the zoo his van breaks down. The monkeys really needed to get to the zoo so the Englishman calls his Irish friend Paddy.

Englishman: 'Paddy, I'll give you £50 if you take these monkeys to the zoo for me'

Paddy: 'Aye not a problem lad, I'll be right there'

So Paddy ...

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

It was dead.

It is said that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the complete works of Shakespeare

Today, thanks to the Internet, we know that is not true

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A monkey is sitting on a riverbank, smoking weed.

A frog, swimming by, gets a whiff and makes a beeline to the shore:

'Hey dude! Mind if I take a puff?'

'Get out of town,' says the monkey. 'You're so small you'll be off your face after the first hit.'

'Oh come on, just a little bit! I've always wanted to try it.'

'Well, ...

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each...

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of th...

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An Englishman is delivering four monkeys to Dublin zoo when his van breaks down

Stopped at the side of the road he sees Paddy in an empty van behind him so he flags him down.

“Alright mate, I’m in a spot of bother here, If I give you fifty quid will you bring these monkeys down to the zoo for me?” says the Englishman

“No bother at all, load them up” says Paddy a...

Monkey sees Elephant climbing a banana tree.

Confused, Monkey calls out to Elephant, "Hey, Elephant, why are you climbing that tree?"

Elephant says, "I'm going to eat me a mango!"

Monkey responds, "But that isn't a mango tree!?!"

Elephant says, "Don't worry about it, I brought my own."

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

It was dead.

Why did the second monkey fall out the tree?

It was stapled to the first monkey.

Why did the fridge fall out the tree?

It’s a fridge. It can’t hold on.

Why did the little boy fall off his bike?

He got hit by two monkeys and a fridge.

What kind of monkey is the biggest coward?

A chim-PANSY

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A Cop Saw a Car in the Ditch.

A police officer was driving down the road when he saw a car in the ditch.

The crash appeared to pretty bad so he took a close look, when he got to the car and looked inside he saw an entire dead family. The husband, the wife, and two kids but there was an alive monkey sitting in the car.
...

Monkey see, monkey do. Honey see,

Honeydew.

My wife asked me to stop singing “I’m a Believer” by The Monkeys. At first I thought she was kidding.

But then I saw her face...

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A business is like a tree full of monkeys

A business is like a tree full of monkeys. Some are going up, some are going down. All on different levels and branches.

When the monkeys on top look down, they see a bunch of smiling faces.

When the monkeys below look up, they see a bunch of assholes.

A guy was driving down the road with some monkeys in the back seat...

A policeman sees this and flags the car down and asks him about the monkeys.

Guy: These are my monkeys.

Policeman: You need to take them to a zoo. I'm letting you off with a warning today.

Next day, the cop sees the same guy driving the other way and flags him down.

Polic...

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A guy walks into a bar wiht a monkey on his shoulder.

The guy sits down gets his drink and then the monkey jumps off his shoulder onto the bar. The monkey runs down the bar eating all the lemons, limes and cherries.

Bartender: What the hell man?!

Guy: I'm sorry, I just got him and I'm still training him. I'll pay for it.



Th...

Two monkeys are sitting in a bath...

One monkey says “oooh oooh aaah aaah!”

The other says “put some cold water in then!”

Why do monkeys carry their babies on their backs?

It would be a bit hard dragging a buggy all the way up the trees

Dirty sister

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said, "That part where the hair has grown is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair." The girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister, "My monkey has grow...

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Five monkeys - an experiment

Start with a cage containing five monkeys. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana.

As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monk...

A monkey was smoking weed

sitting on a tree. A lizard spots and asks what he's upto. The monkey says he's smoking the \*\*best weed in the world\*\*. The lizard climbs up excitedly and shares the joint with the monkey. After a while the lizard starts feeling thirsty, so the monkey pointed him to the river. The lizard climbs ...

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Two monkeys, one is lucky and the other is not...

Everyday they go to a banana farm and the lucky one climbs a tree and throws the bananas to the other one. And everyday, the farm owner gathers the farmers and catch the unlucky monkey and beat him.



One day, the unlucky monkey is fed up with the beating and tells the lucky monkey to w...

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A man walks into a bar and orders a Whiskey...

The bartender serves the whiskey and all of a sudden a monkey appears running all across the bar jumps and lands with his testicles in the whiskey and smiles to the man.

The man, confused, asks to the bartender...

-What the hell is this?

-Oh, ask the piano player, it is his monk...

I was walking through the jungle when I noticed a monkey holding a can opener

"You can't open a banana with a can opener"
I said
"I know" he replied,
"this is for the custard"

why did the monkey cross the road?

he was going bananas!

What do you get when you cross a lab monkey and a bully?

I don’t know, but it’s about to beat you up after Rhesus..

Disclaimer: Took this one from r/adviceanimals

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I was watching this animal instructor show off this monkey. The monkey began acting up, and that's when shit hit the fan.

Even the janitor refused to clean up the mess...

Why did the chicken cross the monkey bars?

To get to the other slide

A zookeeper stumbles across a man throwing five-dollar bills into the monkey cage.

“What the heck are you doing?” the zookeeper asks.



“The signs says it’s cool,” the man answers, pointing to a sign in front of the cages.



“No, it doesn’t,” the zookeeper replies.



“Sure it does,” says the man, tossing another bill in the cage. “It says, ‘D...

The monkey and the lizard

A lizard was walking through the jungle one day when he spotted a monkey up in a tree. The lizard called, "Hey Monkey, what are you doing up there?" to which the monkey replied, "Dude, I'm smoking pot...wanna join me?" The lizard agrees, and he and the monkey spend the next few hours getting stoned ...

Nasa was experimenting with different animals in space.

Monkeys were an obvious choice, but they had no patience. Mice chewed all the cables, dogs were too stupid and chickens were always scared. It seemed the only animal that could cope with the intense stress of space travel was a chilled out alley cat.

After a few months of testing and training...

What's a monkeys favourite dessert?

Lemon Morangutan Pie.

I'm sorry.

How do you cook a monkey?

You gorilla it

A monkey is sitting on a tree, smoking weed...

The lizard walks by, gazes at him in amazement, then asks:

“Hey monkey, what are you doing up there?”

“I’m smoking bud. Come up here bro, sharing is caring.”

So the lizard climbs up the tree and the two smoke a few joints. The lizard isn’t really used to the effects, so he gets ...

TIL that, on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

This is partially due to the fact that most humans don't like the taste of monkey.

Why did the monkey walk to school by himself?

He had no primates.

A man walks into a bar with a monkey on a leash

The bartender says “I’m sorry, but we don’t allow pets in here”

The man responds “Oh I’m blind, this little fella helps me see”

The bartender, a little confused, says “I’ve never heard of a seeing eye monkey before”

“They gave me a monkey?!”

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The wizard and the monkey and the alligator.

A wizard is walking through the forest when he stumbles on to a monkey in a tree. The wizard asks what the monkey is doing and the monkey replies nothing just chilling smoking this joint. The monkey then asks if the wizard would like to join. The wizard does. After smoking the joint the wizard gets...

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Pesky monkey

A lion was on a date with a lioness he was chasing after for months and finally got his chance to take her out to a picnic.

While they were enjoying their romantic outing, a monkey jumped out and started making fun of the lion.

The lioness looked at the lion and said "aren't you going ...

I told my girlfriend that she looks like a monkey

And she went bananas

Did you know that if you put 10,000 monkeys in a room with 10,000 typewriters then....

...... you're a rich, eccentric weirdo who should be prosecuted for animal cruelty.

What is a monkey’s favorite type of coffee?

Capuchin-o!

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Two monkeys were sitting in a tree

and a lion was sleeping below them. One monkey said to the other monkey "I dare you to go down there and fuck that lion in the ass."

The other monkey said o.k.

So he goes down the tree and fucks the lion in the ass.

When the lion realized what was happening, he shook the monke...

Do you eat monkeys?

Because I want to put Macauqe in your mouth.

What kind of monkey likes seafood?

A Shrimpanzee

What martial art do monkeys do?

Flung Poo.

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The weirdest job I ever had was cleaning the monkey cages at our local zoo.

That shit was bananas.

I tried to teach a monkey new words by writing them on gigantic beach balls.

Sadly he just couldn't get a grip on them.

The monkey

So a college girl really wants to buy a monkey, but she knows her dad will not send the money for such a pet. So she emails her dad and asks for money to buy a bicycle.

The money comes, and she buys the cute little monkey.

After about a week, she notices that clumps of hair are falling...

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A monkey is smoking a joint in a tree...

An iguana walks by and joins him in a few tokes. After a few minutes the iguana gets cottonmouth and goes to get a drink from the river.

While he’s gone an alligator smells the aroma and wanders over to the tree.

The monkey looks down from his branch and yells “Holy shit! How much wa...

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A monkey is smoking weed in a tree

and an iguana comes by and sees the monkey and decides to smoke with the monkey.

A while later the iguana suffering from cotton mouth decides to go to the river to drink some water. At the river the iguana runs into an alligator. The alligator sees the Iguana and says “Hey man, whats wrong w...

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A man visits a friend who surprises him accompanied by a new pet monkey

His friend explains that this monkey is special, and without losing time he demonstrates why. He hits the monkey in the head, and the monkey performs a fantastic blow job. Three minutes pass, he hits the monkey again and the monkey stops. The friend starts chatting casually, ignoring the monkey. The...

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