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A wife was in bed, naked with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

The husband lurched into the bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wi...

Messy penguin

A penguin takes his car to the shop and the mechanic says it'll take about an hour for him to check it. While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. The penguin isn't the neatest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream. When he returns to ...

My hair is always really messy, and I can never get organized.

I asked me friend today ''hey Jess, how do you get your hair like that?'' and she told me it's natural.


I wish that I had Jessie's curl

Messy drinker

A skeleton walks into a bar. The bartender says, “What’ll you have?” The skeleton says, “Gimme a beer and a mop.”

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All those people claiming Donald Trump is like Hitler need a reality check.

After all, its not like Donald Trump could write a book.

Edit: alot of people moaning in the comments "this is a stupid joke, Trump did actually write some books so this makes no sense!?".

Look at the sub you are in, some of these posts you'll see will just be jokes. If you are the sn...

I'm in the middle of a long and messy divorce and I've decided that suicide is the only way out…

Now all I need to do is talk her into it…

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I was going through a messy divorce and getting screwed by my wife&'s lawyer when I found an old lamp. I rubbed it and a genie appeared.

"Thank you for freeing me" he said. "In return I grant you 3 wishes"

"Oh! this is great," I said. "For my first one I wish I had an inexaustable supply of cash"


Puff! A wallet full of $20 notes appeared. "No matter how much you take out, it will always be full" said the genie....

Why was Pavlov’s hair so messy?

Because he didn’t condition it.

I used to work in a messy munitions and glue factory

I asked for a pay rise, but the management stuck to their guns

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A penguins car breaks down

Okay so this penguins car breaks down in an area hes unfamiliar with


Penguin gets his car towed to the nearest shop. He asks the mechanic how long it should take. The mechanic says probably a few hours. The penguin asks if there's anything around he can do while he waits


Now, t...

Going through a messy divorce I said to the wife, OK we will do this as adults, she says OK we split the stuff 50/50, half the house is yours the other half is mine.

I have the inside you have the outside..

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Two marble statues of a man an a woman facing each other stand in an old park for centuries.

God looks at them from the above. He feels sorry for them – they're looking at each other all those centuries and yet couldn't do anything more since they're made from marble – so one night, when nobody's around to see, he turns them into living couple and says:

"Okay. I made you alive and I'...

I found a good bread recipe where you don't have to get your hands messy from mixing it

The bread was kneadless, to say

Why are computers so messy when they eat?

They take megabytes.

One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the fine weather.

The day was so nice that she became careless and a fox snuck up behind her and caught her.

"I am going to eat you for lunch," said the fox.

"Wait," replied the rabbit, "You should at least wait a few days."

"Oh yeah? Why should I wait?"

"Well, I am just finishing my thesi...

Why was it messy when the elephant crossed the road?

There were a lot of squished chickens

There’s a lot of messy sports...

But soccer is the Messi-est.

Why is Bon Jovi's bed always messy?

Because he doesn't think it matters if you make it or not.

Whenever I confront the messy baker

I'm always walking on eggshells.

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Some people change relationships like the rest of us change underwear

At least once a day, sometimes more if shit got messy

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There were once three brothers...

They loved to go hunting together. All season long they would get up at the crack of dawn to hunt deer in the woods. However, the youngest brother had chronic bowel issues. He would try to get his “business” done before they started their hunting, but sometimes he would have to take some time in the...

Why are surgeons banned from karaoke bars?

Things tend to get messy on "Open Mic" night.

Four guys were at a campsite.

They had to bunk two to a room but no one wanted to share with Daryl because he snored so badly.

They decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept in the same cabin as Daryl, and came to breakfast the next mor...

Sitting on the toilet..

this morning I was reminded of my first divorce.

At first I thought it was going to be a clean break, but then it got messy and involved lots of paperwork

Why was Donald Trump's hairy messy?

Coz he lost his Comey!

:D

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Three old men are sitting around in a convalescent home,

And the first man pipes up:

“I wish I could have just one good easy piss. I’ve had enough with this dribbling, and trying to get it out, always waiting and waiting and waiting.”

The second man chimes in:

“I wish I could have one just one easy poop. It either comes out runny and ...

Request from a worried P*nis

I, the P\*nis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following

reasons:



1. I do physical labor.
2. I work at great depths.
3. I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
5. In fact holidays and weekends are when I to...

A penguin’s car breaks down in a Florida town [NSFW]

He manages to push it to a nearby mechanic. The mechanic says it’ll take a few hours to repair, so the penguin, exasperated, goes to look around the town.

He goes into a clothing store and buys a nice shirt, and goes to a book store and buys some nice books. However, the penguin, being in Flo...

Why did Sean Connery adopt a cat?

Because teaching his dog to sit proved too messy.

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My sex life is like the show Magic Schoolbus

I take chances, make mistakes, and get messy.


Also, it's completely fictional.

Life is like a box of chocolates

If you hold on too long it becomes really messy.

A man was mending his roof.

A man was mending his roof, when suddenly an elderly messy man showed up on his lawn, yelling to him "Sir, would you get down please". The man, not wanting to have to climb down and up the ladder again, yelled back, "What's the matter, sir?" The old man replied, "Just get down here first!" The man t...

A guy walks into a diner on the side of the road

The place is really old and messy, but he was hungry from the road so he sat at the table and ordered spaghetti with meatballs.

After a while the waitress gives him the order, and he saw a bunch of thick hairs on some of the meatballs.

He calls the waitress "Hey miss, there are a bunch...

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A young married couple decides to join a church...

They attend a few introductory classes and meet with the pastor, who will decide whether they'll be approved for membership.

The pastor says, "Well, as you may have heard, we take fasting pretty seriously here. And Lent is just around the corner. I'd like to ask you to do something that may s...

I have a friend who works in a zoo

My friend works in a zoo, I thought that would be my dream job. I asked him, "hey man, you enjoy your job?".

He said, "no man, I'm not happy at all"

So I asked him, "what do you do at the zoo?"

He told me, "I work as an elephant circumciser. The job is messy, ugly and smelly, bu...

I though someone was spreading malignant rumours about me...

Turns out my doctor just has messy handwriting.

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20 Minutes

Two statues, a man and a woman, are sitting in a park where they have been for years. One day, an angel comes down from the heavens and gives life to these two statues.

Angel: "Ok you two, because of the limits of my power I can only grant you 20 minutes of life. What you do is up to you, s...

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A penis has a sad life.

His hair is always messy, his family is nuts, his neighbor is an asshole, his owner beats him to the point of vomiting, and when ever he feels good his owner hides him.

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A man goes to the Vatican to meet the pope.

He arrives at the Vatican and there is a long line of about 100 people to meet the pope.

The man makes sure that he dresses extremely nicely so he’s wearing a professionally tailored suit complete with tie and freshly polished shoes.

The pope comes out and begins to bless and shake han...

A Physicist, an Engineer, and a Political Scientist are stranded on a deserted island

A Physicist, an Engineer, and a Political Scientist are stranded on a deserted island and are all very hungry. They are delighted to find a large can of beans that has been washed up on the beach. Having no way to open the can they try to find a way to the beans. The physicist states that if he puts...

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How are Cinnabons and masturbation the same

You don’t want to be seen doing it in public, it is just as messy, cleanup is the same, and both have a feeling of guilt afterwards.

Little Johnny comes to momma and says: "Mommy, I want a dog."

"No way!" says the mother. "Dogs are dirty, messy, leave hair everywhere and smell!"
Johnny says again: "I want a dog!"
Mother: "I already said there won't be any dog here. Wish anything else."
Little Johnny thinks for a minute and then says: "Fair enough, mom. I wanna play mother and a fat...

My mom entered my room and found me all stressed out facing my PC.

"Having trouble with your computer?" she asked.
"Yes, it seems not to find the new printer," I replied.

My mum looked round my room then replied, "I'm not surprised. Look how messy your room is."

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Mean Drunk!

One day two guys go to a bar on the 100th floor of a building. It's a pretty fancy and famous place you'd go to tick it off the bucket list. A drunk approaches them

Drunk: You know what I can do, do ya?

Man1: Ummm, we want no trouble mister.

D: Nonsense no trouble I just wanted ...

Young man goes to the barber

Barber: what's it gonna be

Young man: I'll have the bottom bit completely shaved. Then above it a few little circles. Above that a want a spiky bit. Next to that I want it number 2 on the right side and number 3.5 on the left side. The top I want it a bit messy, with some bits longer that oth...

I had a douchbag whale as a flatmate once...

I had this douchebag whale as a flatmate once. He was really messy and never paid rent. Eventually the time came where I thought enough was enough and told him to leave, but, stubborn as he was, that didn't really work at all. So I hatched a plan. Late at night, when he was asleep, I secretly attach...

A penguin's car breaks down...

...and he has it towed to a repair shop. The mechanic tells him that he should have some information in about an hour. The penguin sees an ice cream shop across the street so he wanders over while the mechanic works. He finds the vanilla is the best ice cream he's ever eaten and he eats it with mess...

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Yet another Genie joke...

A fellow is walking along the beach, in a really foul mood. He sees something shiny sticking out of the sand, and he hauls off and delivers a mighty kick.

It's a genie's bottle, and it goes tumbling across the sand. The cork pops out, and what appears is one very pissed off genie.

...

This penguin is driving around

when his car breaks down. He brings it to the local mechanic, a walrus. The walrus says it'll be a while, so he might as well get something to eat. The penguin decides to get some ice cream, because penguins love ice cream. But penguins are also very messy eaters. He gets this ice cream all ove...

A penguin is driving to a job interview...

A penguin is driving to a job interview when suddenly he sees smoke coming from the hood of his car. Stressed and angry because he might be late, he pulls into an autoshop. The mechanic assures him: "Don't worry, these things are usually easy to fix. Go across the street and get yourself a coffee, c...

The Lord of an 19th century English manor is having an affair with one of his chambermaids...

One day the chambermaid is giving him a blow-job when she hears the lady of the house approaching. She stops what she's doing and looks up at him. At that moment, he climaxes and manages to get some right in her eye.

It's messy and burning, she runs to the door, rubbing her face and tearing u...

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Sex is like dinner...

its messy, my girlfriend is terrible at it, and not everyone finishes at the same time

Two men discussing

Man 1: I’m getting married. I’m sick and tired of my messy apartment, dirty dishes and the lack of clean things to wear.

Man 2: Hey, I’m getting divorced for the exact same reasons!

A guy tells his friend, “Man I think my wife may be dead…”

A guy tells his friend, “Man I think my wife may be dead…”

Friend: “What?! Why would you think that?”

Guy: “Well in bed she’s the same as ever but the kitchen got quite messy…”

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A woman sat down in her seat on an airplane

Next to a well dressed man. After 5 minutes the man sneezed, wiped his nose, and pulled out his penis to wipe it off. The lady was shocked but didn't say anything. 5 minutes later the same thing happened; sneeze, wipe nose, wipe penis.

After happening a few more times the lady leaned over an...

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So there's a serial killer on the loose...

There's a serial killer on the loose in a pretty big city in Southern California. This killer has been at large for some time and has a particularity sadistic method of murdering his victims, he kills them by making thousands of tiny cuts all over their bodies until they pass out from pain and die o...

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A man is out drinking with his friends....

...and gets so drunk he thows up all over his shirt. He starts freaking out and says that his wife is going to be pissed that he got so drunk. His friend tells him to put a $10 bill in his front pocket and tell his wife that someone threw up on him and gave him the money to get it cleaned. When h...

What doctors really thinking?

- This should be taken care of right away.”

I’d planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.


- “Welllllll, what have we here…?”

He has no idea and is hoping you’ll give him a clue.


- “Let m...

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NSFW Buggy Ride.

An Amish Mother and Daughter are riding in the buggy home from the market one crisp Autumn day when the Daughter says her hands are cold as she has forgotten her mittens, the Mother being wise tells her to place them between her thighs and it will warm them up.The next day a male suitor comes callin...

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Why did they invent white chocolate?

So black kids could get messy too.

My most established grimy joke, From my granddad around the pit fire

An old couple gets pulled over and...
Woman cop - "May I see you permit and enlistment sir?"
Old man - "ugh, what did she say?"
Old spouse - "She needs to see you permit and enlistment dear."
The old man hands it to the woman cop and...
Woman cop - "Gracious, I see you are from N...

A Penguin goes on vacation to California

A Penguin is vacationing in California. While driving on the 101, his rental car starts sputtering and smoking. He pulls off and peels into a mechanic.

The mechanic says it'll take about an hour as he starts working on the car. Perusing Reddit in the waiting room, the Penguin starts sweating...

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Why dogs smell each others butts

The day God created the Dog he had all dogs in heaven gathered in one place so he could speak to them, of course the place was noisy and messy and one dog was howling, while two were fighting over a bone, others were chasing cherubs and, you get the picture…so God, who had been trying to get their a...

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