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Potter Jokes

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Harry Potter has way too many characters...

Even J.K. Rowling has a hard time keeping all the characters straight.

What is Harry Potter’s favorite way to get down a hill?

Walking.

…

j/k…rolling.
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If you take the first two letters of the title of each the 7 Harry Potter books, it spells out a secret message

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
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I love Harry Potter but after re-reading the chapter the death-day party I realized something about nearly headless nick

He was a very poorly executed character
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What did Lily Potter ask James when he handed her divorce papers?

Are you fucking Sirius?

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Harry Potter and Ron Weasley are talking. Harry says, "Ron, I'm gay."

"Are you fucking serious?!" asks Ron.

"Yeah...that too," says Harry.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do Harry Potter and Kermit the Frog's penis have in common?

Hogwarts.

I liked the Harry Potter books and movies but...

I just feel like the character Nearly Headless Nick was a bit poorly executed.
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Why can't Harry potter tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best friend?

Because they're both cauldron
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Harry Potter woke up in hospital

"You've been in a coma for eight years", said the surgeon. "You ran in to a brick wall. LMFAO".
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I found the first four books of the Harry Potter series to be quite lighthearted.

But the fifth one—-dead Sirius.
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What does Harry Potter and your Soulmate have in common?

They're both fictional Characters.
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Why can’t Harry Potter draw a straight line ?

He can only draw Diagon Alley.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between Harry Potter and the Jews?

Harry gets to take the train back.

What's the most far fetched thing about Harry Potter ??

Thata ginger would have two friends.
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I was totally shocked that my Border Collie loved the Harry Potter movies

I mean, he completely hated the books
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Hagrid cremates Harry Potter and throws his ashes into a snowstorm

"You're a blizzard, Harry"
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An old Harry Potter joke

Voldemort goes and knocks on Snape’s door.

“Who is it?”

Voldemort: “THE DARK LORD!!”

Snape: “Sauron?”

Voldemort: “No no, the other one”

Snape: “Vader?”

Voldemort, irritated, thunders: “THE ONE YOU FEAR THE MOST!!”

Snape, confused: “Hermione??”
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HBO is reportedly planning on a new TV series based on Hermione from Harry Potter.

It's called Granger Things
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What is the best-known sex position in the Harry Potter universe?

Dobby style.

Leslie Nielsen auditioned for a specific role in Harry Potter.

But the casting director, unsure who this old actor was, told him :
— Shirley, you can't be Sirius.
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Harry Potter walks into a bar.

Because I put them on his bedroom window.
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What does Harry Potter call his diarrhea?

Expellianus

When i have my first child I’m going to make him read all the Harry Potter books and convince him he is also a wizard.

On his 11th birthday he will receive his hogwarts letter (written by me) and i will then take him to kings cross station and say nothing as he runs at the wall between platform 9 and 10.
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What does Harry Potter and Elton John have in common?

Both of them have spent a portion of their lives in a closet.
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Where did Harry Potter buy a white radish?

At daikon alley
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I finally read Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone.

I know it’s only 6 words, but I’m proud of myself.
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What do you call sending an owl to Harry Potter's godfather?

Blackmail
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Why did Harry Potter bring his pig to the vet?

Because it had hog warts
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I just read harry potter for the first time and i think its a little unrealistic

I mean a ginger with 2 friends??
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Why couldn't harry potter feel the magic?

Because he was having a dry spell
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Why did the protons vote for Harry Potter to be president?

Because they didn't want to elect ron
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Harry Potter wakes up in hospital.

"Welcome back. You've been in a coma for 8 years" says the doctor. "You ran face first into a wall."
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Did you hear about the depressed potter?

He was doing great, until he cracked and kilned himself.
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What did Harry Potter say when Hermione kicked him in the balls?

RESPECTO MY SCROTUM!

How are abortions done in the Harry Potter universe?

*Fetus Deletus*
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Everyone knows Harry Potter graduated from Hogwarts, but not many people know that Harry Styles failed to do so.

He was expelled after starting wand erection.
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Why did the potter relocate in the middle of the night?

Because he didn't want to have a public bowl movement!
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Why couldn't Harry Potter find Hermione?

He was looking at all the Ron places
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Fixing or building electronics is kind of like the rememberal from Harry Potter.

When the smoke comes out, it means you've forgotten something.
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Harry Potter became vegan...

Now he only speaks parsleytongue
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My girlfriend got really upset when we watched the Harry Potter movies back to back

It isn’t my fault I was the one facing the tv
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Harry Potter Joke

Hagrid: "You're a unit of power, Harry."

Harry: "I'm a watt?"
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For my cake day, a Harry Potter joke I made up when I was a kid...

*Knock-knock*

~ Who’s there?

~ You know

~ you know who?

*avada kedavra!*

Sorry if everyone knows that one, 7 year old me thought I was being very clever.
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Harry Potter movies should be rated R for the huge amount of cursing.

... i can find the door out.
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What happens when Harry Potter says accidental?

Someone loses a tooth.
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Virtually every Harry Potter character can teach us a lesson.

For example, Barty Crouch Jr. taught us that drinking can make you Moody.
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In the Harry Potter books, Sirius Black is in his early 30's,

... but in the movies, he look like an Oldman.
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My grandpa used to like Harry Potter

But now he suffers from dementors
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How did Harry Potter travel during the pandemic ?

“ flue” powder
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James Potter and Sirius Black passed by each other in heaven.

James exclaimed, "Sirius, why are you here? Are you visiting?"

Sirius hung his head. "No, I actually died. Bellatrix killed me in the Department of Mysteries."

Potter just laughed. "What do you mean? You were a much better wizard than her. You can't fool me."

"I'm not kidding!" ...
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I grew up in a family of potters.

I told my dad "I don't want to make pots anymore, I want to make baskets" and he was furious - he was going to kick me out.

He said "go. Weave."
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I had a job cleaning out potters' kilns.

I got fired.
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How does Harry potter fuel his car?

He goes Execto petroleum
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Why didn't Harry Potter want to date Hermione?

Because he likes to Hit it and Quidditch
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Mind readers in Harry Potter

If a legilamins has a child that can't read minds, is that child illigilamins?
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On a scale of one to ten, my obsession with Harry Potter

is nine and three quarters.
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You know that scene in Harry Potter where his godfather dies?

That was a dead Sirius moment
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Harry Potter could make a great mafia boss

He always catches the snitch
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Which Harry Potter book is the darkest?

Order of the Phoenix, because that’s when it starts getting Dead Sirius.
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Harry Potter and Fast & Furious crossover movie

Bitches be vroomin', Witches be broomin'

I heard they found Harry Potter licking packages in the mailroom again...

Parceltongue
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What do you get when you cross Harry Potter with Luke Skywalker?

Scar Wars.
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What spell did Harry Potter use to cure constipation?

Expelianus!

My girlfriend is a huge Harry Potter fan

She always wears an invisibility cloak.
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