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When you're having sex...just as you reach Nirvana, but before you have The Offspring, what do you make?

Pearl Jam

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What's the difference between jelly and jam?

I can't jelly my dick up your ass.

A lady went to fake her death to fool her boyfriend, she bought some jam and prepared...

The boyfriend came home and immediately knew she was faking it.

The lady frowned and asked "How did you know?"

The man chuckled lightly and said "you used blueberry"

I like my enemies like I like my jam.

On the end of a knife.

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Why are there so many traffic jams

But no traffic peanutbutter?

What do you call jam made from deer meat?

Wildlife Preserve

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What's the real difference between jam and jelly?

My office printer sure doesn't jelly every single FUCKING THING I TRY TO PRINT.

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I was her bread, she was my jam.

One day she left me saying, "You deserve butter".

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Whats something you can say in a traffic jam and during sex?

"I better call my wife and tell her I'm gonna be home late"

I own a series of vending macines

You know, in parks and stuff, you can get a coke, ginger ale, fanta, etc.

Business was going really well, so well I had to hire a guy to help. Right after I hired him though, sales plummeted.

Trying to figure out why, I went to a few of my macines. The snacks were fine, but the drin...

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What happens when you jam your penis in the usb slot?

It gets ewrecked.

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My wife asked me what was the difference between jam and jelly

I told her I can't really jelly my dick in her mouth.

Oh, so there's no real difference, she replied.

A man is stuck in a traffic jam

A man is struck in a traffic jam

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. 

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?" 

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire politicians, and they are asking for a 1 million crore rupees ransom. 

Otherwise, they are gong to...

What’s the worst jelly to put on your sandwich?

Traffic Jam

**My daughter read me this from her Gogurt wrapper. My answer was Toe Jam.

You're hungry. In the fridge there is a bag of bread, jar of jam, a can of tuna, and some milk. To answer the riddle, what do you open first?

This thread!

A woman found herself in a traffic jam...

on the freeway in Washington DC. Traffic was locked up for over an hour when she saw some men walking towards her car carrying buckets. She leaned out of her window and asked them what was going on up ahead. The men explained that terrorists had taken over the capitol and they were holding Congress...

A man is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington DC.

The traffic is stopped for miles ahead.
Another man walks up next to him and says, "Sir, terrorists have kidnapped every member of congress. If they don't get $100,000,000 in ransom, they will to cover them in gasoline and burn them. I'm here to collect donations."
The man asks, "how much ...

I was visiting a jam factory the other day,

They asked me if I had heard of any of the new techniques being used to grow berries. I told them that I wasn't up to date on my currant events.

A driver is stuck on a highway in a massive traffic jam.

He sees two guys approach his vehicle.

"A few criminals managed to tie up all of the major politicians. They have threatened to light them up with gasoline if they can't get $1,000,000 in the next 24 hours. We're asking for donations."

The driver responds "What are most people donating...

What was the first thought of the person who created jam/jelly?

I need to preserve my legacy

A new Jam based glue has been invented

Its called Jams bond

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I covered my girlfriend in flour, butter,milk, clotted cream and jam.

Boy was she mad... I guess hell hath no fury like a woman sconed

If you’re skydiving and your parachute jams...

there's no need to panic; You have rest of your life to fix it.

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A Fijian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe, when a New Zealand tourist, chewing gum, sat next to him...

The Fijian politely ignored the New Zealander, who, never the less started up a conversation.

The New Zealander snapped his gum and said, "You Fijian folks eat the whole bread?"

The Fijian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course."

Th...

To cheer me up my fiancee got me tickets to Pearl Jam.

But three songs in I still wasn't feeling Eddie Vedder

What do you call a traffic jam in Compton?

A blood clot

What's the difference between Jam and Jelly?

Jam is made from crushed, pureed fruit and Jelly is made from fruit juice that gels when cooked.

What'd you think I was gonna say? Get your head out of the gutter.

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Australian sitting in a cafe, drinking coffee, eating bun with jam

American comes to cafe,sits down to the Australian and while chewing his gum asks:

"Do you, the Australians, eat all the slice of bread?"

"Of course", Australian response.

Smiling American blows gum bubble and says:

"We do not. In America, we eat only a soft portion of th...

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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

Give a man some jam and he can enjoy a nice piece of toast

Teach a man to jam and his Phish cover band will ruin your wedding

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NSFW Know the difference between jam and jelly?

I can't jelly my dick down your throat.

Thanks to my first boss Jim for this one who I'm sure heard it somewhere else like the family guy episode

I don't like jam

but my marmite

Note : Girlfriend was determined this was a good joke, I thought it was trash. You decide.

A joke my 4 year old nephew made up. (It makes no sense, but still made me laugh.)

If the three legged turtle crosses the road what color is the rabbit?
Green! Because Space Jam was a good movie.

What do you call bread with your toe jam spread all over it?

Toest

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What's the difference between Jelly and Jam? (aka 'The 4:20 Joke' from How I Met Your Mother) [NSFW]

I can't jelly my dick in your ass. (Featured in season 4, episode 20 : "Mosbius Designs", on the glorious HIMYM)

I recently learned how to store jam properly.

I must say, it was a rather jarring event.

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So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."

So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and...

Pearl Jam's "Alive" song just came on the radio...

You don't gotta rub it in Eddie Vedder.

A collection of puns in one text.

[Context: Friend borrowed a great book by Yahtzee Croshaw, "Jam"]

Friend: I'm liking Jam a lot.

Me: Sweet. Glad you got absorbed in it. It's a berry good book. So many sticky situations for the seed of character development.

Friend: *turns off phone*

What's the difference between jelly and jam?

I've never gotten stuck in a traffic jelly!

What do you call a traffic jam full of trucks in Wisconsin?

A cheesy pickup line.

What's the difference between a Swedish jam band and slam dunking a baby?

One's a Swedish Phish and the other's a fetus swish

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