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What's the difference between jam and jelly?

You can't jelly a dick down your throat.

Did you hear about the guy who made giraffe and elephant jam?

He called it Wildlife Preserve.

There is a large traffic jam in Washington DC

A man gets caught in a huge traffic jam in DC. While sitting motionless on the road a man approaches him on foot. The man rolls down his window and asks what’s going on.

“The whole capitol is in chaos, armed men have stormed the Capitol Building and are holding congress hostage, they say they...

How do you start a jam session on an Apple computer?

Iphone,

iphtwo,

iphone, iphtwo, iphthree...

I stopped vaccinating my kids because I wasn't comfortable jamming a needle into their arms.

Now I get my Doctor to do it.

I went and saw Pearl Jam in the early ‘90’s and I thought to myself...

This couldn’t get Eddie Vedder

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Why are there so many traffic jams

But no traffic peanutbutter?

I like my enemies like I like my jam.

On the end of a knife.

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks,
"What's going on?"


"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fir...

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What's the real difference between jam and jelly?

My office printer sure doesn't jelly every single FUCKING THING I TRY TO PRINT.

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Whats something you can say in a traffic jam and during sex?

"I better call my wife and tell her I'm gonna be home late"

A man was sitting in traffic when a cop knocked on his window.

He rolled down the window and asked the officer: "Why is there such a traffic jam?"

Officer: "A group of terrorists kidnapped a few politicians and are blocking the road. They have threatened to burn the politicians alive in 1000 gallons of gasoline if they don't get a 5 million dollar ransom...

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What happens when you jam your penis in the usb slot?

It gets ewrecked.

A lady went to fake her death to fool her boyfriend, she bought some jam and prepared...

The boyfriend came home and immediately knew she was faking it.

The lady frowned and asked "How did you know?"

The man chuckled lightly and said "you used blueberry"

I keep hearing music coming from the printer.

I think the paper is jamming.

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I was her bread, she was my jam.

One day she left me saying, "You deserve butter".

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After experiencing Nirvana during sex, but before you make The Offspring, what do you produce?

Pearl Jam.

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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

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My wife asked me what was the difference between jam and jelly

I told her I can't really jelly my dick in her mouth.

Oh, so there's no real difference, she replied.

You're hungry. In the fridge there is a bag of bread, jar of jam, a can of tuna, and some milk. To answer the riddle, what do you open first?

This thread!

Saw a group of Sikh men jamming out to heavy metal the other day

They were definitely Down With The Sikhness

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An irish sailor with the steering wheel of a ship jammed into his crotch walks into a bar

He walks into the bar

The bartender approaches him worried and says to the sailor " What the fuck man is that a steering wheel?"

To wich the sailor replies "Aye lad, it's drivin me nuts"

Our photocopier in the office is called Bob Marley

'cause it's always jamming.

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So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."

So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and...

Why'd the jelly cross the road?

to create a traffic jam

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.

She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thro...

Why did the jelly cross the road?

He wanted to create a traffic jam.



I am aware that these are 2 different substances

I don’t vaccinate my kids because I don’t feel safe jamming a needle into their arm.

I’d rather have a professional do it

What do you call strawberries stuck in traffic?

Strawberry jam!

A woman found herself in a traffic jam...

on the freeway in Washington DC. Traffic was locked up for over an hour when she saw some men walking towards her car carrying buckets. She leaned out of her window and asked them what was going on up ahead. The men explained that terrorists had taken over the capitol and they were holding Congress...

A man is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington DC.

The traffic is stopped for miles ahead.
Another man walks up next to him and says, "Sir, terrorists have kidnapped every member of congress. If they don't get $100,000,000 in ransom, they will to cover them in gasoline and burn them. I'm here to collect donations."
The man asks, "how much ...

What was the first thought of the person who created jam/jelly?

I need to preserve my legacy

I rode on an elevator to the eleventh floor and the operator jammed the door and introduced himself as Rick.

"Let me out, Rick! This isn't my floor!" I begged.

He smiled. "Never gonna give you up. Never gonna let you down."

A man was studying to be a filmmaker...

Since he was big live music fan, he started hitting up his favorite local bands and offering to do behind-the-scenes documentary sessions as promotional materials. He got a few bites and after shooting a few small acts, his work really took off, developing a reputation for the way he seemed to disap...

I was visiting a jam factory the other day,

They asked me if I had heard of any of the new techniques being used to grow berries. I told them that I wasn't up to date on my currant events.

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3 construction workers where sitting on the bridge that they where building having their lunch break.

The first guy says “If I get a Marmite sandwich again I am going to jump off this bridge.”
The second guys says “If get a peanut butter sandwich again I am going to jump off this bridge”.
The third guy says if I get another strawberry jam sandwich then I am going to jump off this bridge.” ...

How does Bob Marley like his donuts?

Wi’ jam in

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A man hosts a dress-up party, where the theme is you have to come dressed as a mood...

...on the night of the party, the man is at the front door greeting his guests and asking them what mood they were dressed as.

A couple of women arrived all dressed in green saying "we're green with envy".

A trio of men turned up dressed in red saying "we're red with rage".

More...

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I covered my girlfriend in flour, butter,milk, clotted cream and jam.

Boy was she mad... I guess hell hath no fury like a woman sconed

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A Fijian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe, when a New Zealand tourist, chewing gum, sat next to him...

The Fijian politely ignored the New Zealander, who, never the less started up a conversation.

The New Zealander snapped his gum and said, "You Fijian folks eat the whole bread?"

The Fijian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course."

Th...

If you’re skydiving and your parachute jams...

there's no need to panic; You have rest of your life to fix it.

Billy was very proud of his new car.

He was driving back home after striking a great deal with the salesman. As he neared the intersection, a grey Toyota crashed into his car at a high speed. He was furious, as he knew he had the right of way. He was about to let loose a barrage of four letter words at the other driver, when a gorge...

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What is the difference between jam and jelly?

I've never fucked a jamfish.

Why was the baby strawberry crying?

Because his mom and dad were in a jam

On the freeway, a truck spilled its cargo of strawberries, which were then crushed by the cars followed behind.

Caused a traffic jam.

To cheer me up my fiancee got me tickets to Pearl Jam.

But three songs in I still wasn't feeling Eddie Vedder

An engineer dies and is sent to hell

He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the...

A coach full of jazz musicians has broken down on the motorway, blocking all lanes.

Police say to expect some long jams.

What's the difference between Jam and Jelly?

Jam is made from crushed, pureed fruit and Jelly is made from fruit juice that gels when cooked.

What'd you think I was gonna say? Get your head out of the gutter.

I don't like jam

but my marmite

Note : Girlfriend was determined this was a good joke, I thought it was trash. You decide.

“Just put the jelly in the refrigerator” my mom yelled

“There’s not enough room” I responded as I tried to jam it in

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The Octopus Joke Retold

So this guy walks into a bar with an Octopus. He is named the Amazing Octodad, seriously it's on his T-shirt. He heads to the bar, gets a beer and waits for the music to stop. A cute blonde gives a weird wtf look when a tentacle starts wriggling over to tickle her leg but Octodad just winks and says...

An eldrely pilot flies to Berlin.

An elderly pilot flies a private plane to Berlin. He lands, but gets lost on the taxiway. So he panics, stops the engine, and a massive jam builds up.

The trafic controller asks him angrily over the radio, "Did you ever fly to Berlin before?"

The pilot answers, "I did a few times in ...

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Australian sitting in a cafe, drinking coffee, eating bun with jam

American comes to cafe,sits down to the Australian and while chewing his gum asks:

"Do you, the Australians, eat all the slice of bread?"

"Of course", Australian response.

Smiling American blows gum bubble and says:

"We do not. In America, we eat only a soft portion of th...

Once a half wit homeless man saw a lady buying sanitary pads.

Man: X'cuse me ma'am if you could share some of those bread with me I'll be very grateful.


Lady: Sure. I'll come back tomorrow with the jam on it.

Why did the broken printer become a rockstar?

Because it liked to jam all the time

I recently learned how to store jam properly.

I must say, it was a rather jarring event.

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