Never ask an undertaker for something to get you out of a jam in a hurry.

They always give you the last thing you need.

What's the difference between jam and marmalade?

You can't marmalade anything up your ass!

The counties of Devon and Cornwall organised a huge music festival with the reunions of both The Jam and Cream.

The festival was called off due to the two counties not being able to agree which should go on first.

Google just test fired the first fully automated rifle ever made, but it jammed on the first shot!

While going through the diagnostics R&D figured out the problem: ERR 404, GUN FAILED TO LOAD.

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What is the difference between jam and jelly?

Jam is made from whole or cut up pieces of fruit with sugar.

Jelly is made from only the fruit juice and sugar.

Did you think I was going to say "I can't Jelly my dick up your ass"?

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What did the jam say to the bread after the failure of their relationship?

"Your deserve butter."

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What’s the difference between jam and jelly?

I can’t jelly my dick down your throat.

What fruit do you use to make toe jam?

You use fruit by the foot

Pearl Jam just came out with a product that regulates women’s periods

They’re calling it Even Flow

An engineer dies and goes to hell

He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor is jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to t...

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What did the therapist counsel the jar of jam to do?

"if you'd only open up, people would realize how sweet you were."

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I was her bread and she was my jam

One day she left me saying 'I deserve butter'

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks,
"What's going on?"


"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fir...

How do you get out of a jam?

By having a toast

Breaking News - Devon and Cornwall Music Festival

The Devon and Cornwall Music Festival due to take place this weekend has had to be cancelled. They couldn't decide who to put on first, The Jam or Cream

What do you get when you cross the ultimate jam band with the ultimate cheesy arena rock band?

Phish Styx

In the USA, a driver gets stuck in a traffic jam...

In the USA, a driver gets stuck in a traffic jam on the highway. Standing column.

Suddenly someone knocks on the side window. He lets down the window and asks: "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped President Trump. They are demanding a ransom of $ 100 million or they will pour...

What's the difference between jam and jelly?

Senate Republicans can't jelly Judge Barrett onto the Supreme Court.

What do Portal and Pearl Jam have in common?

I’m still alive

Enterprise maintenance log, stardate 2259.55: Today, the main sewage system got jammed by the captain's log again.

Medical promised to recommend a change to his diet.

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Dolly Parton and Princess Diana pass away on the same day.

They arrive at the pearly gates at the very same time.

Saint Peter is waiting in judgment. With both women vying for entry, St. Peter announces, “Ladies, I only have one more space in Heaven today. You’ll have to prove you’re worthy.”

Dolly Parton laughs and says “No problem, Pete!” ...

Why was the guitar late for work?

He got caught in a jam.

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the
time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like
that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not ...

I really like cooking fruit with sugar.

I know many people disagree with me. But that's my jam!

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The animals in the zoo are bored.

The snake says "I know, we can play billiards" The elephant scoffs "How. we don't have a table?" The snake explains they can do tricks, and the other animals judge them as to how many balls they have sunk. So each animal does their best and the snake is winning, showing off he says to the elephant "...

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Did I ever tell you guys about the time I was admitted to hospital after jamming my cock up my nose? The nurse asked why I did it.

Fuck nose.

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A lad was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.

She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 180mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 180, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thro...

What does the band Pearl Jam say when they’re discouraged?

Ugh, we’re not getting Eddy Vetter!

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Delicious

A husband and wife are sitting around one afternoon. The man is a little bored and horny so he turns to his wife.

“Hey honey want to 69?” He asks.

“Sounds lovely,” she replies “but I’m on my period”

“That’s ok with me.”

They go upstairs and start the act. After a few mi...

What's the difference between jam and jelly?

My office printer doesn't jelly every time I try to print :(

I have a secret joke about jams but I'm not gonna tell you.

You might spread it.

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Difference between Jam and Jelly

My girlfriend who lives up north, just asked me, “what’s the difference between Jam and Jelly?”
I said well Andrea, for one I can’t jelly my dick up your ass!

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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

there was an accident at the marmalade factory

it got a little jammed nothing could be preserved

There is a large traffic jam in Washington DC

A man gets caught in a huge traffic jam in DC. While sitting motionless on the road a man approaches him on foot. The man rolls down his window and asks what’s going on.

“The whole capitol is in chaos, armed men have stormed the Capitol Building and are holding congress hostage, they say they...

I really don't understand why people like traffic jams...

But apparently they are lining up for it.

What do British people do when there is a traffic jam at a roundabout?

They form a Q.

I stopped vaccinating my kids because I wasn't comfortable jamming a needle into their arms.

Now I get my Doctor to do it.

What do cars put on their toast?

Traffic jam.

A horse is sitting at home, bored, watching MTV...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the ...

Did you hear about the depressed traffic jam?

It was really bummer-to-bummer.

I tried to connect my Raspberry Pi to my printer....

But the printer always jams!

Why was the door jammed even though it was wide open?

Because it was a jar.

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A man has been getting horrible debilitating headaches for a long time a& finally decided to go to the doctor...

And he’s just begging for some relief. “They just won’t stop,” he says. “I can’t do anything, my work is suffering, I can’t spend time with my family, it’s just gotta stop!”

So the doctor does some tests and says, “well there’s good news & bad news. The good news is, I found the problem, ...

A man is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington DC.

The traffic is stopped for miles ahead.
Another man walks up next to him and says, "Sir, terrorists have kidnapped every member of congress. If they don't get $100,000,000 in ransom, they will to cover them in gasoline and burn them. I'm here to collect donations."
The man asks, "how much ...

How do you start a jam session on an Apple computer?

Iphone,

iphtwo,

iphone, iphtwo, iphthree...

Did you hear about the guy who made giraffe and elephant jam?

He called it Wildlife Preserve.

I went and saw Pearl Jam in the early ‘90’s and I thought to myself...

This couldn’t get Eddie Vedder

You're hungry. In the fridge there is a bag of bread, jar of jam, a can of tuna, and some milk. To answer the riddle, what do you open first?

This thread!

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Virgin Learns How to Have Sex - Dime, Dime, Quarter, Dollar...

A young virgin goes to a priest and confess that he's never had sex and is nervous about his wedding night. The priest reassures the man and tells him that he should go home and tape a dime to his left hip and practice moving his body to the side each time saying the word "Dime". So, the young man g...

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Whats something you can say in a traffic jam and during sex?

"I better call my wife and tell her I'm gonna be home late"

The vegetarian did not like the new strawberry jelly...

It just wasn’t his jam

My boyfriend was breaking up with me and started to walk out the door

So I jammed my knee into his stomach.

“You can’t leave, I kneed you”

A man is in peril, he’s just robbed a cheese shop...

And the police are closing in. From his pockets, he dumps all the Gruyere, all of the Cotswald, all of the Petit Basque. As he flees, chunks of Manchego and Ossau Iraty fly from his pockets... he flings the Roquefort, but it breaks up in his pocket and is sticky... he can’t get it out. He is stuck, ...

A lady went to fake her death to fool her boyfriend, she bought some jam and prepared...

The boyfriend came home and immediately knew she was faking it.

The lady frowned and asked "How did you know?"

The man chuckled lightly and said "you used blueberry"

On the eve of Joe Biden's inauguration, prominent members of the previous Democrat administrations have a Zoom call to toast the end of the Trump presidency.

Among other topics, conversation turns to Amazon and Google's targeted marketing and the methods they employ. To lighten the mood, Bill Clinton suggests that he and his former vice-president have an impromptu jam session for everyone on saxophone and bongos respectively, something they secretly did ...

/nsfw An Arizona cowboy and a California cowboy are riding the fence line one day.

They come across a sheep with its head stick in the fence. The Arizona cowboy jumps off his horse, drops his jeans, and has his way with the sheep.

When he gets finished, he looks at the California cowboy and asks, “You wanna have a go?”

The California cowboy says, “Hell yeah!” and ju...

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A Fijian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe, when a New Zealand tourist, chewing gum, sat next to him...

The Fijian politely ignored the New Zealander, who, never the less started up a conversation.

The New Zealander snapped his gum and said, "You Fijian folks eat the whole bread?"

The Fijian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course."

Th...

What do you call a traffic jam in Compton?

A blood clot

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Couple doing 69 NSFW

A married couple are doing 69 when they hear a knock on the door. The husband looks outside and sees it's only the paperboy and returns to the bed. The paperboy knocks again. The husband gets pissed off and puts on his robe. Before he leaves the room his wife notices that she has started her period ...

I like my enemies like I like my jam.

On the end of a knife.

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What happens when you jam your penis in the usb slot?

It gets ewrecked.

Saw a group of Sikh men jamming out to heavy metal the other day

They were definitely Down With The Sikhness

A woman found herself in a traffic jam...

on the freeway in Washington DC. Traffic was locked up for over an hour when she saw some men walking towards her car carrying buckets. She leaned out of her window and asked them what was going on up ahead. The men explained that terrorists had taken over the capitol and they were holding Congress...

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My wife asked me what was the difference between jam and jelly

I told her I can't really jelly my dick in her mouth.

Oh, so there's no real difference, she replied.

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An irish sailor with the steering wheel of a ship jammed into his crotch walks into a bar

He walks into the bar

The bartender approaches him worried and says to the sailor " What the fuck man is that a steering wheel?"

To wich the sailor replies "Aye lad, it's drivin me nuts"

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So there’s this farm. On this farm, there’s a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

So there’s this farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the ...

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Two nuns were driving home late one night

Two nuns were driving home late one night in the countryside when suddenly they came upon a mean-looking vampire standing in the middle of the road. The nun behind the wheel jammed on the brakes. The two nuns and the vampire stared at each other for a moment and then the vampire started walking towa...

A young man stood at the side of the road and hailed a taxi. When he got in, the driver said, "Well, that was perfect timing. You're a lot like Frank." The passenger asks, "Who's Frank?" The taxidriver explains, "Frank Feldman. He also had perfect timing and was always there at just the right time."

"Ok, but nobody's perfect. Everybody makes mistakes once in a while," says the passenger." "No, no, not Frank Feldman!" replies the Taxi driver. "He was great at everything, sports too. If he'd played tennis, he probably would have won Wimbledon. He would have blown pro golfers out of the water as w...

I don’t vaccinate my kids because I don’t feel safe jamming a needle into their arm.

I’d rather have a professional do it

What was the first thought of the person who created jam/jelly?

I need to preserve my legacy

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