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What’s the difference between jelly and jam?

I didn’t jelly my dick in your mom’s ass last night.

The hobbits Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin, sat in Fangorn Forest to hear the first annual post-Sauron "Ent Comedy Jam" .... (An original LOTR-themed meta-joke for you.)

The hobbits Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin, sat in Fangorn Forest to hear the first annual post-Sauron "Ent Comedy Jam."

With them was Gandalf, returned from over Sea with Frodo in tow just for the occasion. No one in living memory – at least now that the elves were all in the Undying Lands to...

When I was younger, I jammed a scrabble tile into my nerf gun and shot my brother at close range in the forehead, killing him instantly.

I didn't mean to kill him though, I thought it was a blank.

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A Canadian was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Canadian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said, "You Canadian folk eat the whole bread?"

The Canadian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course".

The American...

What's the difference between jam and jelly?

There's no such thing as a jamfish.

The way they did the jam (UK)/jelly (US) container of the year was a bit jarring.

I struggled to preserve my interest.

Based on Lebron's acting skills, I suspect Space Jam 2...

Will be a flop.

I left my house and noticed the door wouldn't close because it kept hitting a container of strawberry jam

Guess you could say the door was held ajar

A friend of mine is dating a woman he met during a traffic jam.

"She was in the car ahead of me," he said, "and I accidentally stepped on the gas when I meant to hit the brake."

"Did you rear-end her?" I asked.

"Well, yeah, but not until the third date."

An Engineer accidentally goes to Hell instead of Heaven

An Engineer dies and goes to hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly.

The moving walkway motor jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily.

The TV was grain...

Never ask an undertaker for something to get you out of a jam in a hurry.

They always give you the last thing you need.

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I was her bread and she was my jam

One day she left me saying 'I deserve butter'

What is Beethoven’s favorite record label?

Def Jam Records

A horse in a barn was listening to some rock and roll on the radio...

And he was inspired. The guitarist was masterful, and the horse knew, then and there, that he needed to play guitar. More than anything he'd ever needed before.

So he calls up his buddy, who is a guitar teacher, and asks his buddy to help him learn guitar. The horse takes to it quickly and p...

What did the goose say in the traffic jam?

HONK!!!!! HONK!!!!!

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What is the difference between jam and jelly?

Jam is made from whole or cut up pieces of fruit with sugar.

Jelly is made from only the fruit juice and sugar.

Did you think I was going to say "I can't Jelly my dick up your ass"?

The counties of Devon and Cornwall organised a huge music festival with the reunions of both The Jam and Cream.

The festival was called off due to the two counties not being able to agree which should go on first.

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What did the therapist counsel the jar of jam to do?

"if you'd only open up, people would realize how sweet you were."

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks,
"What's going on?"


"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fir...

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What did the jam say to the bread after the failure of their relationship?

"Your deserve butter."

Pearl Jam just came out with a product that regulates women’s periods

They’re calling it Even Flow

Google just test fired the first fully automated rifle ever made, but it jammed on the first shot!

While going through the diagnostics R&D figured out the problem: ERR 404, GUN FAILED TO LOAD.

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A mother of 100 children makes lunches for them for school.

She pulls out 5 bags of sliced bread and several spreads. She spreads butter on 12 of the bread slices, jam on 8 of them, peanut butter on 18, nutella on 12, more butter on 21 of them, nutella again on 6, jam on 3, and peanut butter on the rest of them. What did she spread the most?

Her legs!

In the USA, a driver gets stuck in a traffic jam...

In the USA, a driver gets stuck in a traffic jam on the highway. Standing column.

Suddenly someone knocks on the side window. He lets down the window and asks: "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped President Trump. They are demanding a ransom of $ 100 million or they will pour...

How do you get out of a jam?

By having a toast

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A small person with a speech impediment was thinking about purchasing a mare for his stable.

He heads over to the ranch and asks the rancher if he could inspect the horse before he bought her. The two of them head into the stables and the rancher brings the mare out of her stall. The buyer does a walk around, inspecting the hooves and legs, before looking around for a stool. Seeing none, he...

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I Am The Viper! (Long)

A young man inherited a stately manor from his uncle after his untimely passing. The man's uncle was in reasonably good health, but was found dead in his library. His body bore signs of poisoning, but there was no one else with him the night of his death and no poison was found in his system or on t...

What fruit do you use to make toe jam?

You use fruit by the foot

What's the difference between jam and jelly?

Senate Republicans can't jelly Judge Barrett onto the Supreme Court.

What do you get when you cross the ultimate jam band with the ultimate cheesy arena rock band?

Phish Styx

What do Portal and Pearl Jam have in common?

I’m still alive

Enterprise maintenance log, stardate 2259.55: Today, the main sewage system got jammed by the captain's log again.

Medical promised to recommend a change to his diet.

A man is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington DC.

The traffic is stopped for miles ahead.
Another man walks up next to him and says, "Sir, terrorists have kidnapped every member of congress. If they don't get $100,000,000 in ransom, they will to cover them in gasoline and burn them. I'm here to collect donations."
The man asks, "how much ...

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Did I ever tell you guys about the time I was admitted to hospital after jamming my cock up my nose? The nurse asked why I did it.

Fuck nose.

What does the band Pearl Jam say when they’re discouraged?

Ugh, we’re not getting Eddy Vetter!

There is a large traffic jam in Washington DC

A man gets caught in a huge traffic jam in DC. While sitting motionless on the road a man approaches him on foot. The man rolls down his window and asks what’s going on.

“The whole capitol is in chaos, armed men have stormed the Capitol Building and are holding congress hostage, they say they...

Salesman John

John was appointed as sales person at a local store in London.

While on one of his shifts, a lady approached him and asked if they had 'Peach Jam' to which he bluntly replied, "Out of stock."

At this, the lady immediately turned to leave the shop in disgruntlement.

It was then t...

What's the difference between jam and jelly?

My office printer doesn't jelly every time I try to print :(

Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."


Passenger: "Who?"


Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you ...

You're hungry. In the fridge there is a bag of bread, jar of jam, a can of tuna, and some milk. To answer the riddle, what do you open first?

This thread!

I stopped vaccinating my kids because I wasn't comfortable jamming a needle into their arms.

Now I get my Doctor to do it.

Slow bank line??

You wanna get the line at the bank to move quicker?? Tap on the shoulder of the guy in front of you, and say, "Hey, man, you wouldn't happen to know how to un-jam a pistol, would you??"

What does Bugs Bunny put on his intergalactic PB&J sandwich?

Space jam.

I have a secret joke about jams but I'm not gonna tell you.

You might spread it.

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Difference between Jam and Jelly

My girlfriend who lives up north, just asked me, “what’s the difference between Jam and Jelly?”
I said well Andrea, for one I can’t jelly my dick up your ass!

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Whats something you can say in a traffic jam and during sex?

"I better call my wife and tell her I'm gonna be home late"

What’s a cars favorite kind of music?

A traffic jam.

What do British people do when there is a traffic jam at a roundabout?

They form a Q.

I was wondering why my printer made music.

Turns out it was just jamming.

These two dudes are lost in a stolen airplane, one said he was a pilot but who knows, anyway they need to land this hot airplane somewhere before they get low on gas

They're freaking out when all of the sudden they see a runway.

The guy on the controls says "There's the runway, bro!"

Other guy is like "Oh man I don't know that runway looks really short, dude."

The guy flying is like "No bro that is definitely a runway let's do this"
...

What do you call a traffic jam in Compton?

A blood clot

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A fur trapper walks into a bar

A fur trapper walks into a small town bar. He tells the guys at the bar "I bet you a drink that I can identify any animal pelt, and what it was killed with, by touch alone." Amused, one man went out to his truck and got a pelt out. The trapper was blindfolded and handed the pelt. "Ah, gray squirrel,...

Did you hear about the guy who made giraffe and elephant jam?

He called it Wildlife Preserve.

I went and saw Pearl Jam in the early ‘90’s and I thought to myself...

This couldn’t get Eddie Vedder

what's the difference between a submarine and a jar of jam?

the submarine can hold way more jam.

Did you hear about the depressed traffic jam?

It was really bummer-to-bummer.

How do you start a jam session on an Apple computer?

Iphone,

iphtwo,

iphone, iphtwo, iphthree...

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A lad was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.

She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 180mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 180, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thro...

I really don't understand why people like traffic jams...

But apparently they are lining up for it.

A woman found herself in a traffic jam...

on the freeway in Washington DC. Traffic was locked up for over an hour when she saw some men walking towards her car carrying buckets. She leaned out of her window and asked them what was going on up ahead. The men explained that terrorists had taken over the capitol and they were holding Congress...

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Freudian Slip

A man is going through an airport after buying his ticket, and he walks over to a friend with his head down.

"Ah man, I can't believe what just happened. I had a Freudian slip. Do you see the ticket agent with the huge cans? I accidentally asked her for two pickets to titsville."

His ...

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So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."

So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and...

Saw a group of Sikh men jamming out to heavy metal the other day

They were definitely Down With The Sikhness

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What happens when you jam your penis in the usb slot?

It gets ewrecked.

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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

Greatest truck driver in the world - mild nsfw

Frank was the greatest truck driver in the world, he could take that truck places that shouldn't be possible.

One night Frank, who had been driving for a solid shift, found himself on an unfamiliar stretch of road. It had been a wet day and the fog was rolling in, making it impossible to see ...

Went to a rock concert awhile ago…

Pre-COVID of course, and it was absolutely jam-packed, people standing shoulder to shoulder, just enjoying the music. My friend standing next to me turned his head slightly
and said : totally awesome concert but I’m needing to go toilet and it’s so busy what am I gonna do?

I replied: pee ...

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My wife asked me what was the difference between jam and jelly

I told her I can't really jelly my dick in her mouth.

Oh, so there's no real difference, she replied.

I heard there was music coming from my printer.

So I opened it to see what's wrong. Turns out it was just jamming.

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