What's the difference between jam and jelly?

There's no such thing as a jamfish.

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Jam

What's the difference between jam and marmalade?

You can't marmalade your cock up your girlfriends arse

A friend of mine is dating a woman he met during a traffic jam.

"She was in the car ahead of me," he said, "and I accidentally stepped on the gas when I meant to hit the brake."

"Did you rear-end her?" I asked.

"Well, yeah, but not until the third date."

Never ask an undertaker for something to get you out of a jam in a hurry.

They always give you the last thing you need.

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A Canadian was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Canadian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said, "You Canadian folk eat the whole bread?"

The Canadian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course".

The American...

I left my house and noticed the door wouldn't close because it kept hitting a container of strawberry jam

Guess you could say the door was held ajar

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Do you know the difference between jam and jelly?

You can’t jelly you dick in your wife’s ass

Based on Lebron's acting skills, I suspect Space Jam 2...

Will be a flop.

What did the goose say in the traffic jam?

HONK!!!!! HONK!!!!!

What did the jam band groupie say when she broke up with her boyfriend?

So long, and thanks for all the phish

Jam Inside

Well, I've been standing by the printer with my toast for 10 mins.

THERE IS NO JAM INSIDE!

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks,
"What's going on?"


"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fir...

The counties of Devon and Cornwall organised a huge music festival with the reunions of both The Jam and Cream.

The festival was called off due to the two counties not being able to agree which should go on first.

I was wondering why my printer made music.

Turns out it was just jamming.

Google just test fired the first fully automated rifle ever made, but it jammed on the first shot!

While going through the diagnostics R&D figured out the problem: ERR 404, GUN FAILED TO LOAD.

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What is the difference between jam and jelly?

Jam is made from whole or cut up pieces of fruit with sugar.

Jelly is made from only the fruit juice and sugar.

Did you think I was going to say "I can't Jelly my dick up your ass"?

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The Man, The Myth, the Legend: Frank Feldman!

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you nee...

Pearl Jam just came out with a product that regulates women’s periods

They’re calling it Even Flow

How do you get out of a jam?

By having a toast

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What did the therapist counsel the jar of jam to do?

"if you'd only open up, people would realize how sweet you were."

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I was her bread and she was my jam

One day she left me saying 'I deserve butter'

An engineer dies and goes to hell

An engineer dies and goes to Hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor is jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and uncle...

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What did the jam say to the bread after the failure of their relationship?

"Your deserve butter."

Greatest truck driver in the world - mild nsfw

Frank was the greatest truck driver in the world, he could take that truck places that shouldn't be possible.

One night Frank, who had been driving for a solid shift, found himself on an unfamiliar stretch of road. It had been a wet day and the fog was rolling in, making it impossible to see ...

What fruit do you use to make toe jam?

You use fruit by the foot

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Freudian Slip

A man is going through an airport after buying his ticket, and he walks over to a friend with his head down.

"Ah man, I can't believe what just happened. I had a Freudian slip. Do you see the ticket agent with the huge cans? I accidentally asked her for two pickets to titsville."

His ...

Why were the strawberries upset?

Because their parents were in a jam.

In the USA, a driver gets stuck in a traffic jam...

In the USA, a driver gets stuck in a traffic jam on the highway. Standing column.

Suddenly someone knocks on the side window. He lets down the window and asks: "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped President Trump. They are demanding a ransom of $ 100 million or they will pour...

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So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."

So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and...

I really love fruit spread...

That's my jam!

Two black eyes

A man comes home from work sporting two black eyes. His wife asks, "what happened to you?"

"Well, I was getting on the bus behind this curvy brunette, and noticed her skirt was jammed in between her cheeks. Being a gentleman, I pulled it out for her. She turned around and slugged me."

...

What do you get when you cross the ultimate jam band with the ultimate cheesy arena rock band?

Phish Styx

What's the difference between jam and jelly?

Senate Republicans can't jelly Judge Barrett onto the Supreme Court.

What do Portal and Pearl Jam have in common?

I’m still alive

Did I tell y’all that music was coming out of my printer?

The papers were jamming.

Went to a rock concert awhile ago…

Pre-COVID of course, and it was absolutely jam-packed, people standing shoulder to shoulder, just enjoying the music. My friend standing next to me turned his head slightly
and said : totally awesome concert but I’m needing to go toilet and it’s so busy what am I gonna do?

I replied: pee ...

Enterprise maintenance log, stardate 2259.55: Today, the main sewage system got jammed by the captain's log again.

Medical promised to recommend a change to his diet.

What do aliens spread on their toast?

Space jam.

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Did I ever tell you guys about the time I was admitted to hospital after jamming my cock up my nose? The nurse asked why I did it.

Fuck nose.

I heard there was music coming from my printer.

So I opened it to see what's wrong. Turns out it was just jamming.

What does the band Pearl Jam say when they’re discouraged?

Ugh, we’re not getting Eddy Vetter!

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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on itallian bread, make with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the sa...

I have a secret joke about jams but I'm not gonna tell you.

You might spread it.

What do cannibalistic Dutch rodents put on their toast?

Hamster Jam

What's the difference between jam and jelly?

My office printer doesn't jelly every time I try to print :(

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A lad was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.

She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 180mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 180, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thro...

Breaking News - Devon and Cornwall Music Festival

The Devon and Cornwall Music Festival due to take place this weekend has had to be cancelled. They couldn't decide who to put on first, The Jam or Cream

There is a large traffic jam in Washington DC

A man gets caught in a huge traffic jam in DC. While sitting motionless on the road a man approaches him on foot. The man rolls down his window and asks what’s going on.

“The whole capitol is in chaos, armed men have stormed the Capitol Building and are holding congress hostage, they say they...

A man is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington DC.

The traffic is stopped for miles ahead.
Another man walks up next to him and says, "Sir, terrorists have kidnapped every member of congress. If they don't get $100,000,000 in ransom, they will to cover them in gasoline and burn them. I'm here to collect donations."
The man asks, "how much ...

My Grandfather really liked Fall Out Boy

I never understood why, considering the age gap between him and the band. Every week, I’d go sit with him on his porch and we’d listen to the band, jamming out to some sick tunes and laughing our hearts out at each other’s awful singing. Unfortunately as time passed, he was diagnosed with Alzheimer’...

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Difference between Jam and Jelly

My girlfriend who lives up north, just asked me, “what’s the difference between Jam and Jelly?”
I said well Andrea, for one I can’t jelly my dick up your ass!

I stopped vaccinating my kids because I wasn't comfortable jamming a needle into their arms.

Now I get my Doctor to do it.

A lorry carrying 300kg of strawberries crashed into a lorry carrying 50kg of sugar.

Instead of helping clear up the accident cars drove through the mess and the jam was getting thicker!

I really don't understand why people like traffic jams...

But apparently they are lining up for it.

You're hungry. In the fridge there is a bag of bread, jar of jam, a can of tuna, and some milk. To answer the riddle, what do you open first?

This thread!

What do British people do when there is a traffic jam at a roundabout?

They form a Q.

Did you hear about the depressed traffic jam?

It was really bummer-to-bummer.

Did you hear about the guy who made giraffe and elephant jam?

He called it Wildlife Preserve.

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Whats something you can say in a traffic jam and during sex?

"I better call my wife and tell her I'm gonna be home late"

You know when people muddle berries and preserve them with sugar?

That’s my jam.

Why was the door jammed even though it was wide open?

Because it was a jar.

How do you start a jam session on an Apple computer?

Iphone,

iphtwo,

iphone, iphtwo, iphthree...

Sandwiches

There was an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman working on the top of a cliff.

The Englishman said, "If I have cheese in my sandwich tomorrow, I'll jump off this cliff."

The Scotsman said, "If I have jam in my sandwich tomorrow, I'll jump off the cliff."

The Irishman said, "...

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I made a suitcase out of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

It's jam packed.

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Dolly Parton and Princess Diana pass away on the same day.

They arrive at the pearly gates at the very same time.

Saint Peter is waiting in judgment. With both women vying for entry, St. Peter announces, “Ladies, I only have one more space in Heaven today. You’ll have to prove you’re worthy.”

Dolly Parton laughs and says “No problem, Pete!” ...

I went and saw Pearl Jam in the early ‘90’s and I thought to myself...

This couldn’t get Eddie Vedder

What do you call a traffic jam in Compton?

A blood clot

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A man was making coffee on a Sunday morning when his wife walked in...

He cheerfully said "Good Morning".

She whispered "asshole" under her breath.

He heard it and was confused.

"Honey what's wrong? I did exactly what you wanted last night." he said.

She replied "When I asked you to fuck me like a real man, I did not mean for you to jam i...

I love being stuck in a traffic jam.

It almost feels like I had a self driving car.

A lady went to fake her death to fool her boyfriend, she bought some jam and prepared...

The boyfriend came home and immediately knew she was faking it.

The lady frowned and asked "How did you know?"

The man chuckled lightly and said "you used blueberry"

A woman found herself in a traffic jam...

on the freeway in Washington DC. Traffic was locked up for over an hour when she saw some men walking towards her car carrying buckets. She leaned out of her window and asked them what was going on up ahead. The men explained that terrorists had taken over the capitol and they were holding Congress...

Saw a group of Sikh men jamming out to heavy metal the other day

They were definitely Down With The Sikhness

Why was the guitar late for work?

He got caught in a jam.

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What happens when you jam your penis in the usb slot?

It gets ewrecked.

I really like cooking fruit with sugar.

I know many people disagree with me. But that's my jam!

My cupboards are bare! Nothing but a jar of Marlee Matlin's preserves.

That's a def jam.

Technically it's marmalade.

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My wife asked me what was the difference between jam and jelly

I told her I can't really jelly my dick in her mouth.

Oh, so there's no real difference, she replied.

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