UPJOKE
choreographytap danceballetdiscodancingjivetangowaltzterpsichoremusicmambofolk dancepas de deuxballroom danceheel

A sniper rifle and an assault rifle meet eachother at a dance party

They get along quite nicely and go out for a drink. The assault rifle falls in love with the sniper rifle, and decides to ask if the sniper rifle wants to be her boyfriend. However, the sniper rifle declines. Distraught, the assault rifle asks why he said no, to which the sniper rifle replies:
...

A guy takes his wife out for the night and they end up at a disco where there’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large – break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, every dance move going. The wife turns to her husband and says...

“See that guy on the dance floor? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.”

The husband replies, “It looks like he’s still celebrating.”

I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on a carpet,

but only for like 20 seconds...

What is a drill's favorite dance?

The Twist, but they also like de walts on occasion

How many dance teachers does it take to change a light bulb?

5678

I went to a dance.

First they played 'Jump', so I jumped.

Then they played 'The Twist', so I twisted.

Then they played 'Come On Eileen', so I got kicked out.

A guy asks a girl to go to a dance.

She agrees, and he decides to rent a suit. The rental has a long line, so he waits and waits, and finally he gets his suit.


He decides to buy flowers, so he goes to the flower shop. The flower shop has a long line, so he waits and waits, until he finally buys flowers.


He picks ...

I just got married but I’m not feeling great about it. For our “first dance” my wife choose the song:…

…”I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For.”

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I don't get the point of a lap dance

If I wanted a woman to take my money and frustrate me sexually, I would've stayed home with my wife

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Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude in a garden, while a sexy and beautiful big breasted nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down ...

Who won the Thanksgiving dance contest?

The Twerk-y.

Dance

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded around a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,00...

How do you make a tissue dance?

You put a boogie in it!

TIL the lead singer of Chumbawumba is married to a champion breakdancer. She had to give up dancing when she fell pregnant but, only three months after giving birth, successfully defended her title at the World Championship.

She got knocked up, but she got down again.

Why do toucans dance in pairs?

Because two toucans can can-can better than one toucan can.

Why didn’t the skeleton go to the dance?

Because he had no body to go with.

Table dance

A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table. He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!".

She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?".

The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now!".

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A fight breaks out at a Newfie wedding...

Chairs are flying and women are crying. The police show up and arrest all the men involved in the scuffle.

They all are brought to the court house and all you hear is chatter. "Order in my court", screams the judge. "Can someone come up and please explain what happened?".

Jimmy speaks...

I went to a dance recital in Asia

The koreagraphy was amazing

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"How much for a dance?" I asked the stripper on the stage.

"£20," she said.

I pulled out £50 and gave it to her.

"How come you're so generous?" she winked.

I said, "Just in case I break the pole."

Why do windchimes dance in the wind?

Because they have to tinkle.

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What’s a Nazi’s go-to dance move?

The Gesteppo.

What's EA's favorite Fortnite dance?

Swipe It

Dance like it hurts… love like you need money…

work when people are watching.

I didn’t get a lap dance!

It was an erotic mugging

What do you call a dance party on a minefield?

A bad Idea.

Where does the tomato and pasta go to dance?

At the Meat Ball

Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale La La Land?

Edit: *Moonlight. My bad.

What do you call it when Al Gore dances?

An algorithm

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Celibacy or .....

Before being ordained 6 priests had to stand nude with a bell tied to their cocks. Anyone whose bell rang had no spiritual purity. A naked girl with big tits & a shaved fanny danced before each one. 1st priest no reaction. She went down the line with no response from them till she reached last p...

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A software tester walks into a bar

Backs into a bar.

Runs into a bar.

Crawls into a bar.

Dances into a bar.

Flies into a bar.

Jumps into a bar.

And orders:

a beer.

2 beers.

0 beers.

987654321 beers.

a lizard in a beer glass.

\-1 beer.

"qwertyui...

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At a local college dance, a guy from America asks a girl from Sweden to dance....

While they are dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, “In America,

we call this a hug.”

She replies, “Yaah, in Sveden we call it a hug too.”

A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, “In America, we call

this a kiss.”

She replies, “Yaah...

Did you hear that Bill Gates lost a dance contest to Al Gore?

He didn’t have the Al Gore Rhythm

I used to dance the Hokey Pokey compulsively

but then I turned myself around.

Dances used to originate from tribal customs

Well, doesn't it seem possible that some of these popular dances tend to illustrate the movements of persons dodging a flock of motor cars?



Source: 1913 newspaper

A very handsome man gets into a terrible car accident....

The doctors save his life, but he loses one eye. Before a nice glass one can be fitted, he is temporarily given a wooden eye.

The man becomes very depressed because of his eye loss and sits at home, moping around. Eventually his friends come over and drag him out to a bar to try and cheer him...

School dances this year are going to be like Fortnite lobbies...

Lots of stupid dance moves and unnecessary shooting

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"Your sign outside says 3 strippers for 4.99... We talking topless or fully nude?"

"Sir this is Dominoes pizza. They're chicken strippers."

"Ok ok, now the price makes sense... How long is each dance?"

I went to a wedding dance once

When the DJ played "Twist", I did the twist. When he played "Jump", of course I jumped. When he played "Come on Eileen", well, I ended up getting arrested.

Did you see that viral Indian dance video?

They’ve got some Sikh moves!

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An American spy comes into a Soviet bar

And orders a drink.

"No drink for US spies" said the barkeep.

The spy goes pale. He pulls out a bottle of Vodka and drains it in one big gulp.

"You drink like Russian, but you are American spy"

The spy pulls out his accordeon and plays a wonderful Russian folk song, every...

My Homecoming Dance

I was at my homecoming dance when I noticed a kid in the corner looking miserable. Feeling bad, I went over there and asked him what was wrong? He responded that no one would ever want to dance with him because of his wooden eye.

Upon hearing this, I made it my mission to find the boy a d...

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A Joke for Indigenous Peoples' Day

Once there was a native american named Lakota. All his tribe had normal teepees shaped like cones. But Lakota, repeatedly trying as he might could not make a normal teepee. Instead his teepee was very strange and shaped like a cube.

One day he went to an elder and asked, "why no matter how ha...

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A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. Unfortunately, the wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, a...

Old army joke

A new captain becomes leader of a company of soldiers. As he goes about learning everything on how they do things he finds two soldiers guarding a bench. He asks his sergeants why they're guarding the bench and they say the previous commander ordered it. He calls the previous commander up, now a maj...

After 20 years, I finally managed to teach rodents how to dance.

When I asked my colleagues what they thought, all they had to say to me was, "Conga rats."

What do you call a formula that can predict Al Gore's dance moves?

An Al Gore Rhythm algorithm.

A private school dance...

There are two private middle schools having a school dance together in on of the school's gyms. One is an all girls' school, and the other is an all boys' school.

All of the kids are dancing in the middle of the school's gym and having a pretty good time...except for one girl with a peg leg a...

Many years ago I went to my High School prom

It was a very involved process.

Leading up to the prom I had to stand in line to get fitted for my tuxedo.

I had to stand in line to reserve the limo for my date.

Then I had to stand in line again to pick my tux up once it was ready.

The day of the prom finally arrived, b...

Why can't dinesaurs dance

Because they're dead

Trust me...you can dance

-Love alcohol

How does the cow own the dance floor at barnyard parties?

He's got the moos like Jagger.

A man wakes up after a night of drinking to see a single red rose on his bedside table.

Beside the rose is a glass of water, two Advil, and a note from his wife. The note says, "Hi honey, the pills are for your headache. When you're ready, come down to the kitchen and I'll fix your favorite breakfast. Love you!"

He also notices that he is still in the clothes he was wearing la...

The hamster dance

I was asked to perform the hamster dance
once, even though I wasn’t aware of how to perform it.

did a deed I didn’t know, though

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A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
...

Generally speaking, there are three different styles of cancan dances, 'French Cancan', 'British Cancan', and 'American Cancan'. In my opinion, French Cancan dances are able to outperform American Cancan dances and American Cancan dances can also outperform British Cancan dances.

In other words, Cancan Cancan can can can can Cancan.

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Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most English

Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most English in three weeks.

After three weeks the Syrians meet again at a McDonalds. The first Syrian makes his case for him being more English by saying: "Every day I have taken my son to football practice and my daughter to dance class...

Why can't Stephen Hawking dance?

Because he's white.

The homecoming dance

A somewhat socially awkward lad asked a girl he liked to the homecoming dance, and she said yes.

The boy asked his dad for advice, and his dad gave him several tips: get her a nice corsage that matches your boutonniere, show up 10 minutes early to pick her up and speak pleasantly and respect...

What makes a heart dance

You give it a beat

Why do ballerinas dance on their toes?

So they don’t wake up the audience!

Cop: Suspect is dancing naked downtown.

Dispatcher: Copy that.

Cop: I'll try but I'm not much of a dancer.

High school dance.

My friend James only has one eye and was embarrassed to ask anyone to his first high school dance. Since I’m taking wood shop, I agreed to make him a wooden eye. My girlfriend is an artist and she made this eye look perfect. I found him a date for the dance and he said, “what does she look like?” I ...

If The Safety Dance comes on, are we obligated to dance?

I mean, I know we can dance if we want to

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How do you make a Kleeex dance?

Put a little boogie in it!

I have a little Christmastime request!! I am actually here for some good jokes for a 9 year old boy! I am looking to make him a joke book for Christmas. (Things are a little tight this year)
If anyone has a good one that's kid friendly I would really appreciate...

Wanna dance?

Two Girls were sitting at a club. One was ugly and the another one was beautiful.

Dave walked straight to the ugly girl.

Dave: Hello!

Ugly girl: Hi!!

Dave: Wanna dance?

Ugly Girl: Yes (excited)

Dave: OK, Go and dance. I wanna talk to your friend.

Have you ever seen a fish bowl?

Have you ever seen…

…a barn dance?
…a fire escape?

Please help. When I was a kid I had a large joke book that I loved to read over and over. One page had a pretty long list of this type of joke (where the end could be read as a “noun verb” instead of a “noun”). Now that book is long...

Why do mice have such small balls?

Because not many of them know how to dance.

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time.

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pro...

A man and his wife are sitting down to dinner.

A man and his wife are sitting down to dinner.

“Ringling Brothers is coming to town this week,” she said. “The poster says they have a dancing bear. I always wanted to see one of those.”

“Maybe next year,” says the man. “Work’s really busy this week.”

The next night at dinner, t...

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There was a formal dance, but the butterfly wasn’t there. Why?

It was a moth ball.

Let's dance

It’s the spring of 1959, and Bobby arrives at his date’s house to take her to a dance. When he knocks on the door, her dad answers.

“Have a seat,” the old man says. “Peggy Sue will be ready in a minute.” The dad grabs Bobby a cold beer, and the two sit down together. “You know,” the dad says,...

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