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A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him, so he walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing...

She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached the lady, again with the same request.

She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole...

My friend just told me, 'I hope you die in a deep hole filled with water'.

I know he means well.

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A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse fall's into a mud hole and is sinking.

He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety.

The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper.

He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, ...

‌‌Our w‌‌hole f‌‌amily i‌‌s r‌‌eally w‌‌orried a‌‌bout m‌‌y g‌‌randfather’s V‌‌iagra a‌‌ddiction.

Grandma i‌‌s t‌‌aking i‌‌t p‌‌articularly h‌‌ard.

A buddy once asked me if I've ever stuck it in her, you know, "other hole".

I said that's dumb because she might get pregnant.

A man was waiting for a bus one day, when he noticed a young blonde woman digging a hole...

...and another blonde immediately filling the hole back in with dirt. He watches as they move up the street doing this over and over again. The first blonde digs a hole, and the second one fills the dirt right back in. After a few minutes, he decides to ask them "excuse me, what are you ladies doing...

As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter… I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.

I thought to myself, “I really need a new boat.”

I was playing Golf with my girlfriend. She was stung by a bee, between the 1st and 2nd hole.

I told her, her stance was too wide.

Why do chinese have two holes in their underwear?

One for each leg.

Why did Jesus get an infection in the hole in his hand?

Cross contamination

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If a rabbit lives in a rabbit hole,

and a Fox lives in a foxhole, does that mean a donkey live in a asshole?

We all wear him and tear him in pieces, puncture holes in it, tear apart his clothes, and still not be guilty.

I'm talking about an eraser.

What do you call a guy from Illinois with rips in his jeans, shoes, and a hole in his shirt and forehead?

An ambulance

A man goes into a pub with a chicken under one arm and biscuit tin full of holes under the other...

The bartender tells him "You can't bring that in here."

The man replies- "I think you'll change your mind about that once you've seen what it can do. In fact, you'll probably want to buy her."

The bar was quiet at that particular time of day- so the bartender humours him to see what he...

My buddy and I were out for a walk and noticed this giant hole in a field...

We walked up to the hole and threw in a small rock; no sound; no signs of it hitting the bottom!

So we found a larger rock and threw it into the hole; no sound; no signs of it ever hitting the bottom.

My buddy notices a bunch of railroad ties along the forest line nearby. We lug the gi...

I have a joke about black hole,

but it sucks.

What did the wind turbine say to the deep hole which held water?

"Well, I just want to say I'm a huge fan."

Two astrophysicists discussing black holes

One Tells the other: "We need to understand the gravity of this matter"

You guys heard about the three holes in the ground?

Well well well

Do your socks have holes in them?

No?

Then how did you get your feet in them?!!

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every hole of a donkey is an asshole

that is all

Hole in the police station wall

Last night I drove past my local Police Station on the way home from work and saw there was a massive hole in side of the building!!!

Police were looking into it.

Did you hear about the undercover cop who uncovered a glory hole in a public toilet?

Turns out he received an anonymous tip.

Question, why spongebob have many holes

Answer: coz squidward have 6 tentacles

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A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help eas...

Who’s the coolest animal at the watering hole ?

The Hip-po

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself.

Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith"

Satan laughs and replies: "Awh it's not so bad down here, let me give you the tour so you can see for yourself"

He then proceeds to escort Ja...

My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water."

I know he means well.

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Two Irish men were digging a great, big hole

After a few hours of digging, the one Irish man turned to the other and said, "I wonder who died this time, this will be an expensive grave."

To which the other replied, "Yes, and our boss is a real arsehole. While we dig our butts off, he probably sits in his office, sipping bloody tea! It's...

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Jesus and Moses go Fishing

Jesus and Moses are sitting by a riverbank, fishing, and shooting the shit about the good ol' days.

Moses says, "I had a few great days, but I have to say, that day I parted the Red Sea was the best of them. Man, that was spectacular! You should have seen the look on everyone's faces." ...

Little 8-year-old Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the youngster was doing, he asked: “What are you doing there, Nancy?”

“My goldfish died,” Nancy sobbed. “And I’ve just buried him.”

The obnoxious neighbour laughed and said condescendingly: “That’s a really big hole for a little goldfish, don’t you think?”


Nancy patted down the last heap of earth with her shovel and replied: “That’s because he’s insi...

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a £20 fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag.”

“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.
“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop.“Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”
“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my back garden is ...

T‌‌he Trump f‌‌amily i‌‌s f‌‌lying f‌‌rom N‌‌ew Y‌‌ork t‌‌o D‌‌C.

Donald l‌‌ooks d‌‌own o‌‌n t‌‌he c‌‌ities b‌‌elow a‌‌nd s‌‌ays, "‌‌I t‌‌hink I‌‌'ll t‌‌hrow a‌‌ $‌‌1000 b‌‌ill o‌‌ut o‌‌f t‌‌he w‌‌indow a‌‌nd m‌‌ake s‌‌ome A‌‌merican h‌‌appy"

Melanie s‌‌ays, "‌‌Oh h‌‌oney w‌‌hy n‌‌ot t‌‌hrow t‌‌en $‌‌100 b‌‌ills a‌‌nd m‌‌ake 1‌‌0 A‌‌mericans h‌‌appy?"
...

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A man is lined up to putt on the 8th hole with some friends

Out of nowhere a ball comes flying in and hits him. The man doubles over cursing and clutching his hands tightly to his crotch. His friends giggle at his misfortune as a woman comes running over apologizing.

"Oh my goodness! I'm so sorry. I didn't see you gentleman when I teed off!"

T...

I always wondered why all my socks had holes on the left foot.

All this time I haven't been putting them on right.

Two guys are walking through the woods one day when they stumble across a big deep hole.

The first guy peers into it and says, “Wow! That looks deep.”

The second guy says, “It sure does. Let’s throw a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is. We’ll be able to tell the depth by how long it is before we hear the noise of the pebbles landing.”

So they pick up a few pebbles...

TIL that the toilet seat was invented by the polish people and only after 5 years the American perfected it by adding the hole in the middle.

A rough translation of a jk my dad told me

Why don’t people dig holes underground anymore?

It’s boring

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what gets longer when pulled, fits between brests, slides neatly into a hole, has choked people when used improperly, and works best when jerked?

A seatbelt.

Why are there no good jokes about black holes?

Because they suck the most.

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A deaf-mute walks up to a foursome on the first hole at St. Andrews

He hands one of the players a card that says, “I am a deaf-mute, playing as a single, may I play through?”   
  
The player, a total jerk, shakes his head no and points the deaf-mute to go back and wait his turn.
  
A few holes later, the jerk gets hit in the head by a golf ball while ...

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The teacher asks how you put 2 holes in 1 hole.

Nobody knows the answer so she puts her index finger and thumb together and places it over her nose.

Little Johnny then asks the teacher "How do you put 6 holes in 1 hole?"

She says she doesn't know.

He says "You put a recorder up your pussy!"

The teacher, surprised by th...

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A male whale and a female whale are swimming were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship.

The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father years ago. He said to the female whale, “let’s both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink.” They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and sank.
...

What do you call a French a**hole?

A douchebaguette

Why do bald people like holes in their pockets?

So they can run their fingers through their hair.

There were 3 moles living in a hole...

One day, they wake up to the smell of pancakes cooking. The first mole sticks his head out of the hole and says "I smell pancakes!" The second mole sticks his head out of the hole and says "I smell syrup!" The last mole tries to stick his head out of the hole, but gets stuck behind the other two, so...

What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to slide in and out of a hole its slide into before?

A key

Donald Trump, Queen Elizabeth II and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.

Satan decides to let each of them to call their own countries, but at a cost. Queen Elizabeth speaks to the U.K Government for 30 minutes and pays 1 million dollars. Vladimir Putin speaks with the Russian Government for an hour and pays 2 million dollars. Donald Trump speaks with the American Govern...

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I peeped into a glory hole.

And I got cockeyed.

A man dies, and wakes up on a beach...

There are girls playing beach volleyball, barbeques everywhere, laughter and joy. All of a sudden, Satan comes up to him.

"Welcome to hell. Enjoy yourself, have a drink, have a hamburger and check out the area. If you need anything or have a question, feel free to ask me." he says. The guy wa...

I read recently that someone drilled a hole into a fence at a nudist colony...

the police are looking into it

An astronaut fell into a black hole...

After, a NASA official was explaining the situation to the dead astronaut's, now widowed, wife.

"What do you mean he was spaghettified?" The widow interjects.

The official replies, "I'm sorry. Your husband has... Pasta way..."

I punched a hole in my office wall today.

Don't understand why everyone else at the international space station is freaking out.

Which matter is denser than a black hole?

The grey matter inside lockdown protesters.

Why do golfers wear 2 pairs of socks?

Just in case they get a hole in one!

Digging a hole in the garden.

Lock down has had some highs and lows. For instance, I've had a bit more time to spend in the garden while the weather was fine.
I was digging a hole one day and couldn't believe it when I found a large number of what I think are roman coins. I was so excited that I ran back into the house to te...

When Donald Trump dies he should be buried in a hole that is dug at 15 ft

Because down deep he probly ain't such a bad guy

A guy got mad at me for putting a tiny hole in his suit.

Those astronauts are an angry bunch.

I dig, you dig, he digs, she digs we dig, they dig.

It's not a long poem, but it's deep.

And, that is the hole poem.

Wait...what?

Two men are playing golf, and there are two ladies playing in front of them.

The ladies are taking forever...really playing slow. The men are getting impatient.

After about three holes of this, one guy says, “This is ridiculous”. “Get in the cart and go tell them to let us play thr...

If you aren't impressed with the picture of the first Black Hole

you clearly don't understand the gravity of the situation

I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides. I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards.

I’m sure that must have been a record.

I read an article that said there was a major plot hole due to Pennywise's actions

I don't believe It!

How many redditors does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

17 purists who use candles and...

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a Golf club.

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a golf club.

After a round, showering and getting changed for the 19th hole.

Suddenly a mobile phone on one of the benches rings.

One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:

(H – Husband, W ...

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Lifesavers, get a hole lot more outta life

A teacher gave each of her students a packet of Lifesavers candy and had them all identify the flavours by colour.

Red = cherry
Yellow = lemon
Green = lime
Orange = orange

Finally, all the class were stuck on the last lifesaver flavour, the translucent Honey flavoured lifesa...

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Golden British humour!

Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time & decided that in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space.

Dr. Smith was a Psychiatrist
&
Dr. Jones was a Proctologist (related to colon, anus)


They put u...

With all that's going on, I told my dad that finishing my degree in astrophysics may not be the kind of science the world needs right now.

He looked away from the TV long enough to say, "Black holes matter."

Sigh... "Yeah, Dad. They are."

Why do all planets want to date black holes?

Because they're so attractive!

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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says… “Hang on! You're a duck!”

"I see your eyes are working.” replies the duck.

"And you can talk!!” exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too.” says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"C...

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When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex:

"Tarzan not know sex!" He replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said. "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree!"

Horrified, she said. "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly!"

She took off her clothes and lay down on the ground....

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there's a long break in the ledge they can't cross....

..."Something for this, I have." Yoda says.

He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda'...

An American tourist in Ireland...

An American tourist is on holiday for a few weeks in country Ireland.

On his second day he has to cash a cheque at a bank so he goes to the bank on the high street.

While waiting in line he looks out the window & notices 2 irish council workers going up 1 side of the street, then t...

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Guy needs a shit

So there's this guy in a bar and, you guessed it, he really needs a shit. Like really really needs a shit. So he asks the bartender "hey where is your toilet?" and the bartender replies "we don't have one down here, but there might be one upstairs."

So the man goes upstairs and he still can't...

What do you call a guy with no arms, no legs, ...

and floating in a bathtub? >!Bob!<

and sitting outside your front door? >!Mat!<

and hanging on your wall? >!Art!<

and lives in a swamp? >!Pete!<

and sitting in hole? >!Doug!<

and wanted for theft? >!Rob!<

and fully functio...

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A scientist, a mathematician, and in idiot all die in a car wreck and go to Heaven.

"Unfortunately, since heaven is quite full at the moment, I am only going to allow one of you in," the Devil says. "Whoever can ask me a question that I cannot answer correctly will be admitted into heaven. The rest will go to hell."

So the scientist steps up and asks him, "What is the most c...

One day Grandpa was watching Junior playing with an earthworm

Grandpa said, "Junior, I will give you $10 if you can put that worm back down in its hole."

The kids thinks and thinks, then runs into the house and returns with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worn all over and as it gets stiff he stuffs it down into the hole. Grandpa gives the boy $1...

I was checking out this ant hive, and found a hole with all their young, and the queen deep in thought and anxious.

Apparently, it was her brooding chamber.

Why did the old man fall in the hole?

Because he couldn't see that well!

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Three woman are talking about having sex...

First woman says “My husband licked my pussy for the first time it months last night, it made my whole night”

Second woman says “Oh my husband and I had our first 69 yesterday morning, it made my whole day”

The third woman says “Well you’re lucky, me and my husband tried anal last nigh...

What do you get when you pour boiling water into a rabbit hole?

Hot cross bunnies!

Happy easter everyone

What girl like's it in all her holes at the same time?

Mrs. Potato Head

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What’s the difference between anal and oral sex?

Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak.

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Jane always had a certain attraction to Tarzan. So during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.

"Tarzan not know what is sex" he replied.

Jane then explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said ...."Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Stunned by his response, Jane said: "Tarzan you have it all wrong, you don't shag a tree to get yourself off. Tell you what, I will show yo...

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A man goes on a business trip to Japan

In Japan, he picks up a hooker and they go all night long. The entire time they were making love she was excitedly shouting:
##Hasimota! Hasimota!
Since the man obviously didn't know a word of Japanese, he concluded it was some sort of an excitement noise. The next morning he meets with a few...

A hunter and his friend are walking down a path when they spot a deep hole in the ground.

The hunter says "how far do ya reckon that hole goes?" The friend replies with "i don't know, lets chuck something down there and find out." They both lug an old radiator from the nearby bushes over to it and let it fall in. They start to count and listen for the thud, but before they hear it land, ...

I was digging a hole in my backyard when I found a box filled with gold.

I was so excited that I ran inside to tell my wife. Then I remembered why I was digging the hole in the first place.

What do you call a guy with no arms or legs....

What do you call a guy with no arms or legs who’s in a swimming pool?
Bob


What do you call a guy with no arms or legs who’s on the wall?
Art


What do you call a guy with no arms or legs who’s in front of a door?
Matt


What do you call a guy with no arms or leg...

Why did the electrician punch a hole in the wall?

He needed an outlet.

What do you call a crocodile that goes for the wrong hole?

Analigator!

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Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.

Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby. "Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. ...

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I got my dick stuck in a DVD hole today...

Yeah, I fucked Up.

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an American are captured by cannibals.

The leader says "we are going to kill you and then use your skin to line our canoes. But you can choose how you die."

The Englishmen asks for a pistol and says "long live the queen!" before shooting himself in the head.

The Frenchman asks for poison and says "viva la France" before dri...

Why do some conspiracy weirdos wear tin foil hats with four holes in it?

To make sure 5G radiation can't get through.

When googling Gary Oldman, be very careful....

....I forgot the 'r' and went down a rabbit hole I wasn't prepared for.

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L‌‌ittle 8‌‌ y‌‌ear o‌‌ld S‌‌usie i‌‌s i‌‌n h‌‌er b‌‌ack y‌‌ard d‌‌igging a‌‌ h‌‌ole.

Her neighbor Mr. Johnson peeks over the fence and says, "Gee Susie, what's going on?"

Susie says, "I'm digging a hole, it's pretty obvious."

Mr. Johnson asks, "Why are you digging a hole?"

Susie replies, "I'm burying my gold fish."

Mr Johnson laughs and asks, "Why is the ...

Be careful today when searching "Giant Black Hole Pics"

All I keep getting are scientific articles.

Two guys are putting on the 14th hole.

A funeral procession slowly drives by on the road past the fairway. One of the guys takes off his cap and begins to shed a few tears.

Guy 2: "What the hell are you crying about?"

Guy 1: "That's my wife."

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My friend dug a hole and pooped in it.

I thought to myself, "shit that's deep"

Secret to long life

A cowboy told his grandson the secret to a long life is to sprinkle a little gunpowder into your oatmeal.

The grandson took his words seriously and ate gunpowder sprinkled oatmeal everyday. He lived to the ripe old age of 96.

When he died, he left behind 4 children, 9 grandchildren, 13...

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NSFW

So as a young marine gets on his ship he asks the captain what he is to do about his sexual urges. The captain takes him to the bottom of the ship into a room with blue lights. In the middle of the room there is a barrel with a hole in it. The captain looks at the young man and says “this barrel wil...

I left my girlfriend when I saw her trying to pop holes in one of my condoms with a needle.

I wouldn't have minded so much if I hadn't been wearing it at the time.

Did you hear about the man with a hole in his chest?

Doctors are looking into it

My job is to drill holes in things and then bolt them together.

At first it's boring, but later on, it's riveting!

A black hole walks into a bar

A black hole walks into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender asks if it would like food with that.

The black hole says, "No thanks, I'm a light eater."

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Moses and Jesus are playing golf.

Moses steps up to the tee and hits a beautiful shot 250 yards straight down the middle of the fairway.

Jesus steps up to the tee and hooks the ball into the trees.

Jesus looks up into the heavens, raises his arms, and suddenly the sky darkens. A thunder clap rings out, rain pours dow...

A cowboy enters an outhouse and hears a noise down the hole

He looks down it and notices a Native American

He yells down “How long have you been down there!”

The Indian responds: “Many moons... many... many moons”

This season of Earth is not realistic

So many plot holes. Like, where did the murder hornets go? Why introduce them if they're not important to the story?

I'm feeling Lost.

One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the fine weather.

The day was so nice that she became careless and a fox snuck up behind her and caught her.

"I am going to eat you for lunch," said the fox.

"Wait," replied the rabbit, "You should at least wait a few days."

"Oh yeah? Why should I wait?"

"Well, I am just finishing my thesi...

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What do you do with a rattle snake in one pocket and a condom with a hole in it in the other one.

Don't fuck with either one of them.

What did the woman say when I put it in the wrong hole?

NTA

I invented a new golf ball that’ll automatically go in the hole if it gets within four inches.

Do NOT carry them in your back pocket.

What has two dark hairy holes and is smelly

Get your head out of the gutter, it’s your nose.

One sock said to the other "Hey, what happened to the hole in your heel?"

Second sock: "Darned if I know."

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A priest and his friend are golfing.

The priest is ahead because his friend keeps missing easy putts. He watches in amusement as his friend misses another two-footer.

"Goddamnit! Missed! These just won't drop today," says the friend.

"Now, now, Jon," the priest said. "You shouldn't don't take the Lord's name in vain."
...

13, 13, 13!

A man is walking by a fence surrounding the local asylum. As he approaches one area of the fence, he hears yelling from inside. "13! 13! 13! 13!" The man is curious and begins to examine the fence as he gets closer to the shouting, and discovers a hole in the fence, at about eye level. He peers thro...

A priest and a nun are playing miniature golf.

The priest lines up a ten-footer, hits the ball, and it swerves right of the hole. He yells, “Dammit, I missed!

”The nun recoils in shock. “Father, language!”

“I’m sorry, Sister Margaret, please forgive my cursing.”

They get to the second hole. The priest is only 3 feet away fro...

Due to spaghettification, if Elon Musk flew his shuttle through a Black Hole...

he would become Elon Gated.

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I'm gonna do my best to translate this from my native language......

there was this guy who was so horny when he went to the doctor, the doctor missed diagnosed him and instead, he prescribed him viagra so the dude became extra hornier that he started fucking everything with a hole, he fucked his wife, daughter than to his son and didn't spare even his mother. so the...

In the teats and comdoms factory.

The mayor is visiting a new factory where they make teats and comdoms. When they are near the machine that makes teats it sounds like

"fffff pop,
fffff pop,
fffff pop..."

The mayor asked her assistant to explain it.

Assistant: Well the "fffff" is when the latex gets inflat...

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