What's worse than finding a hole in your condom

Finding a condom in your hole

Hold it firmly in your hand, put it in your mouth, lick it, straighten it, and put it in the hole

Man, threading a needle is difficult work.

In a hole

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer’s field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.
A few days la...

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As I slipped my two fingers slowly inside her hole, I could instantly feel it getting wetter and wetter

As I slid my fingers back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.

I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat."

I told my friend I have an acute sense of when a deep hole with water is nearby. He said thats a useless ability.

I'm well aware

A woman who worked at a glory hole was asked if she preferred some members over others. Her response?

All in all it's just another prick in the wall.

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A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him, so he walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing...

She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached the lady, again with the same request.

She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole...

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A Little girl was digging a hole in her back yard.

When her neighbour said, hello Daisy what you digging a hole for?

Daisy replied I am burying my goldfish, neighbour said that is a very big hole for a goldfish why so big? Daisy replied.

Because it's inside your fucking cat.

A person is walking down the street and hears a bunch of people in a fenced-in yard shouting, “19! 19! 19! 19!” Curious, he walks over and looks through a hole in the fence.

Someone from the other side pokes him in the eye and they all start shouting, 20! 20! 20!

Hole in the wall

A guy was walking next to a prison and he could hear the inmates shouting repeadetly "SEVEN, SEVEN, SEVEN, SEVEN". The curiosity got the better out of him and he decided to take a peek through a small hole he saw in the wall. The man screamed in agony as he got poked in the eye from the other side a...

My friend keeps saying, "cheer up, man. You could be in an underground hole full of water."

I know he means well.

While trying to avoid hitting a dog, a man deviated from the road and his car fell in a hole beside the road..

He crawled hard outside the hole. A pretty woman saw him and stopped her car to help him.



"Are you OK?" the woman said.



"I am, I guess" the man said while he was trying to stand up.



"You have some blood on your face, come, get in my car and we will go to ...

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I can’t believe the person on the other side of the glory hole was a man

I can’t get the taste of his dick out of my mouth

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A man was hunting when a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over & discharged, shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

"Well, sir, I have some good news & some bad news.

The good news is that you are going to be OK.

The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, & we were able to r...

Two hunters are walking through the woods when they come across a large hole.

It's so deep that they can’t see the bottom. One hunter goes looking for something to throw down the hole hoping to see how deep it is.

He finds a rusty old anvil near by and throws it down the hole. The hole is so deep they never hear it hit the bottom.

Suddenly, they hear speeding h...

A man ran up to me shouting "Big hole with water in the ground! Big hole with water in the ground!

He seemed strange but I think he means well

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Sex is like golf,

Playing every hole is the goal.

My asian bf didn't want to stick it in my B-hole

He changed his mind after after I called it my A-hole

If you don’t know what a glory hole is…

Don’t look into it.

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I just told my boss I'm fed up of working in a shit hole: the toilets are never cleaned, there's mould in the fridge, there's never any hot water and the place hasn't been hoovered once

Apparently he can't do anything about it if I work from home

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From an old cowboy who frequents my watering hole (hopefully not too country for y'all)

A woman from New York dreams of one day exploring the wild west. After a year of saving and pinching pennies she finally has enough money to make her dreams come true.

After an exciting three weeks she returns home and meets with her girlfriend for drinks.

Her girlfriend asks "How wa...

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A duck walks into a bar... (not that one)

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, “hang on! You’re a duck.”

“I see your eyes are working,” replies the duck.

“And you can talk!” exclaims the barman.

“I see your ears are working, too,” says the Duck. ...

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What does a stripper do to her a**hole before going to work?

Drops him off at band practice

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A guy hadn't gotten any action for a while so he decides to visit a local brothel

"What would you like tonight?” his entertainer asked him.
"Well, I'm not really sure, what do you recommend?” he replied.
"I could give you the best hand job you've ever had, if you don't believe me just look out the window... do you see that Mercedes? I bought that with the money I made just ...

Do you know how the residents of Jackson Hole know when will smith comes to visit?

Fresh prints.

A Swede, an Irishman, a Scotsman, and their wives went to play golf one day. They were about to tee off on the first hole.

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Good Grief, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?", Ole demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any....

A boy and his grandfather are standing on the lawn, and they see a worm struggling to get into a hole in the ground.

“I can get the worm back into the hole,” said the boy.

“Bet you five dollars you can’t,” said Grandpa. “The worm’s too limp and wriggly to fit into that tiny hole.”

The boy runs inside and comes back with a bottle of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it’s stiff and stuffs it into th...

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A man decides to go golfing one Sunday. He's in the clubhouse paying for 18 holes when a gorgeous blonde woman approaches him. "Hey, I noticed you're golfing alone," she said...

"I'm golfing alone too. Can I join you?"

The man enthusiastically agrees and they head to the course.

She's good. *Really* good, and beats the man's score by many strokes. The man is feeling self conscious for losing so soundly to a woman. The woman notices his change in mood and says,...

why did the deranged man fill in the watering hole?

Because he was mentally unwell.

My girl said she had enough of my mansplaining. She said the next time I do it, she'll throw me into a deep hole filled with water

I know she means well.

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I was enjoying my trip to the glory hole until I heard a man moan from the other side of the wall...

I was pretty upset when I found out I was sucking a dudes cock the whole time.

Jesus and Moses walking on the beach.

So Jesus and Moses are walking along the beach and Moses says "you know Jesus it's been a long time since I parted the sea let me see if I can still do it". So he throws his staff down throws his arms up and nothing happens. Jesus says to him "why don't you try again it's been a long time". So Moses...

What do you get when you eat 3.14 slices of cake?

Diabetes.

What?, did you really think I was gonna make a pie joke on my cake day?

^btw ^I ^waited ^1 ^whole ^year ^to ^tell ^this ^joke

The problem with glory holes…

… they can only spread by word of mouth.

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Working on an offshore oil rig.

So the new guy is being shown around the offshore oil rig. And while being fascinated by the ship and machinery, he nervously asks the old-timer, "We're going to be out here for over month, and I don't see any women. Not one. What do we when we get horny?"

The old timer nods knowingly and ...

A prisoner digs a hole out of jail....

.... and ends up in a toddler playground
and yells "I'm free! I'm free!"
and a kids walks up and says "So big deal, I'm four!"

Two girlfriends talk

* So, Stacy, have you tried ... you know ..., *the other hole* with your boyfriend?
* Are you crazy?! We don't want any kids!

‌‌Our w‌‌hole f‌‌amily i‌‌s r‌‌eally w‌‌orried a‌‌bout m‌‌y g‌‌randfather’s V‌‌iagra a‌‌ddiction.

Grandma i‌‌s t‌‌aking i‌‌t p‌‌articularly h‌‌ard.

Why do bald men have holes in their pockets?

So they can run their fingers through their hair.

How much dirt is in a 6 foot deep hole?

There isn’t any; it’s a hole.

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So I take a trip to my local glory hole…

So I took a trip down to the local glory hole and was lucky enough to find someone on the other side who was down to party! I was having a great time until I heard a GUY moan on the other side of the hole. Like, wait, has it been a DUDE’S cock i’ve been sucking this whole time?!?!

Last week, I called someone a watering hole

But I meant well

a black hole walks into a bar

the bartender didn't see it coming.

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What do you call a sex toy that also serves as a hole-maker?

A drilldo

All day I drill holes in metal and bolt them together.

At first it's boring, then it's riveting.

What do vegan black holes say?

"I'm on a strictly planet based diet"

A woman is walking in a park when she sees two men working.

One man digs a hole, the other fills it back in. The two men go to another spot, the first man digs another hole, and the second man fills it back in. They then go to another spot. Again, the first man digs a hole and the second man fills it back in. They keep doing this for a while until finally th...

My grandfather was a peeping tom. He used to drill holes in the floor and spy on the people in the flat below.

He died recently, but I like thinking about him up there somewhere, looking down on us.

I found a hole in my trainer that's big enough to put my finger through

One formal complaint from her, and I'm now banned from the gym.

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The Horse and Chicken

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some...

My all time favorite: How do you catch a polar bear?

You cut a hole in the ice and line it with frozen peas. Then when the bear goes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.

I walked past a guy fetching water out of a deep hole, when suddenly he was pulled in with an incredible force!

I thought to myself, "Well that sucks"

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Jane had developed a certain attraction to Tarzan. So during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know what is sex" he replied. Jane then explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said ...."Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Stunned by his response, Jane said: "Tarzan you have it all wrong, you don't shag a tree to get yourself off. Tell you what, I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing, got completely naked and laid down on...

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Mr. Dickson had a habit of asking daft questions to his pupils.

One day, he asked his 4th graders if anyone knew how to put 2 holes into 1 hole.



Since no one was able to answer the question, he told the kids to go home and ask their fathers.



Kids came back the next day. No one knew the answer.



"Look," said Mr. Dickson...

What's the difference between a nun and a woman in a bathtub?

One has hope in her soul, the other has soap in her hole.

A man was waiting for a bus one day, when he noticed a young blonde woman digging a hole...

...and another blonde immediately filling the hole back in with dirt. He watches as they move up the street doing this over and over again. The first blonde digs a hole, and the second one fills the dirt right back in. After a few minutes, he decides to ask them "excuse me, what are you ladies doing...

The secret to a long life

A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.


The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died.


She left behind 14 ch...

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Old Woman

An old lady is walking down the street carrying 2 large sacks and one is leaking $20 bills.

A cop stops her and asks "Where did an old lady like you get all that money?" and she replied,

Well you see I live behind a golf course and when the golfers need to pee they stick their penis in...

What do you say about the three holes in the ground?

Well... well... well....
(Got this one from my grandpa <3)

A guy walks into a small family drug store...

... to buy some condoms. The lady behind the counter asks what size he wants, and the guy gets uptight and blushes, and stammers that he never knew that they came in sizes, and he doesn't know what his size is.
The lady tells him not to worry, there's a big old hogshead wine barrel out back with...

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Sex and Golf

Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to first-year medical students.

This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know...

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Oral sex will make your day,

but anal sex will make your hole weak.

The creator of pringles is dead and is now buried in a pringles can. But why couldn't he just make the hole wider for us to reach the bottom?

Guess he just wanted us to be jealous that hes the only one who can.

An engineer and a machinist are tasked with drilling a hole into a the deck of a ship.

They arrive on site, the engineer confirms the position of the hole, the machinist starts drilling. Before they reach the required depth, oil starts spewing out the flutes of the drill bit -- they've drilled into the oil tank.

"How're we gonna explain this to the boss?" -- asks the machinist....

Last night an unknown person created a hole in the wall of the local brothel.

Police is looking into it.

Three moles live in a hole together.

One day a pancake breakfast is set up around the mole hole. One of the three moles sticks his head out of the hole and says, "I smell syrup!"

The second mole sticks his head out of the hole and says, "I smell ketchup!"

The third mole tries to stick his head out of the hole, but cannot ...

You hear about the cop that found a glory hole in a public bathroom?

He received an anonymous tip

My job involves drilling holes into the earth

It's well boring

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Just had a dream that reads like a joke.

A guy had an accident that severely hurt his penis, and was recovering at the doctor's office.

Doctor: "Your situation is very serious. I'll have to bring in a specialist."

Patient: "What, a surgeon?"

D: "No, a flute player."

P: "A flute player?! Why?"

D: "They'll ...

Trying to accumulate all jokes of this particular format:

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs sitting in a bush?
Russel

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the middle of the Australian outback?
Dusty

What do you call a man with a shovel standing next to a deep hole?
Dug

I would like more of these jok...

Allergic

A group of golfers were approaching the first tee when they noticed a woman being given first aid. One of the golfers asked what had happened, and he was informed that the woman had been stung by a bee and was having an allergic reaction.

"Where was she bit?" one of the players asked. "Betwee...

An old one: A rabbi and a priest go golfing, but the rabbi keeps missing his shots.

Whenever this happens, he angrily exclaims, “Goddammit, I missed!” At each hole, the rabbi swears, and at each hole, the priest shakes his head. Finally, on the final hole, the exasperated priest declares, “Rabbi, if you continue with this disrespect for the Lord’s name, so help me, may He strike yo...

My friend asked me if I would ever try doing it in the "other hole"

I looked at him with a disgusted face and said "Eew, gross. She might get pregnant."

My son came up to me crying.

"Dad, I left my girlfriend because she was popping holes in my condom."

I frowned. "Sounds like you dodged a bullet there."

"Yeah, sort of," he replied.

"So, why the tears?"

He said, "I was wearing it at the time."

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A whale of a tale

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the sam...

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Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious, shove a foreign object up my ass and film the whole thing.

Or As My Doctor Insists On Calling It, A Colonoscopy

What does a golf course have in common with half a dozen hookers?

18 holes.

Finding 5 dollars on the street makes your whole week.

But earning 5 dollars on the street makes your hole weak.

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Never look up Furry porn

It a different type of rabbit hole.

This priest decided to skip church one sunday morning and go play golf

He told his assistant that he wasn't feeling well. He drove to a golf course in another city, so nobody would know him.

He teed off on the first hole. A huge gust of wind caught his ball, carried is an extra hundred yards and dropped it right in the hole, for a 450 yard hole in one.

An...

What did the hole in the ground say to the oil rig?

I’m bored

I used to have an obsession for sweet foods with a hole in the middle

I donut care for them anymore though

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What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?

Oral sex makes your whole day,

Anal sex makes your hole weak.










Edit: added “whole”
Props to a fellow redditor for correction. u/rex-natchez!

What Hangs At A Man's Thigh And Wants To Poke The Hole It's Often Poked Before?

A key

Always hug your enemies

Then you'll know what size the hole needs to be in your garden

Jesus and Moses were playing some Golf

As they approached one particular hole, a short Par 3, with a pond where the hole was located right at the edge of the pond.

You know, Moses, this hole is designed just like hole 15 at Pinehurst. I once watched Jack Nicholas use a 9 iron to get a hole in one here!

As he pulled out his...

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A priest and a nun are playing golf...

The priest is taking shots while the nun counts how many holes he makes. The priest takes his first shot and misses, "oh shit" he exclaims. Father! Dont swear its a sin! The upset nun says.
The priest apologises and takes another shot and misses again; "oh shit" he says.
Father! Its a sin to ...

I invented a new golf ball for amateurs that will automatically go in the hole if you get it within four inches.

Disclaimer: Do not carry it in your back pocket!

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Should've told him

Peter: "Your secretary is very sexy..."

Tony: "Thanks! It's a robot actually, named 'Maria'. If you squeeze her right boob, she takes dictation & if you squeeze her left boob, she types letters! I'll Lend it to you for a day & you can see her functions..."

Next day Peter call...

If you aren't impressed with the picture of the first Black Hole

you clearly don't understand the gravity of the situation

Finger Accident

Judi, the blonde, runs crying into the office. "What's wrong?" gasps her best friend Carol. "It's my boyfriend. He was working on the engine under the hood of his car when the lid came down and cut off a finger!" "My god," shrieks Carol. "Did it amputate his whole finger?" "No, thank goodness," snif...

Why did the golfer bring 2 pairs of trousers?

Incase he made a hole in one

heres another corny joke

Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing? In case they get a hole in one!

What happens to Musk when he approaches a black hole?

He gets Elongated

The deep hole [PG]

Two guys, Jim and Dwight, were out for a hike. While on their jaunt they came across a pitch black hole the size of a minivan. Amazed Dwight walked carefully to the edge. He looked into the utter darkness and exclaimed "Woah! Hey Jim, how deep do you think this goes??"


Jim saunt...

People keep talking about black holes

I guess they have a lot of mass appeal.

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(True story) Friend and I were talking about dick sizes and my mother over hears me say how small I am.

She says in a defensive concerned voice. Noooo.. You're big.....

Mom! How the hell would you even know that?! You haven't seen my junk since I was a baby!

Cause, when you were born the nurses came to me and said you were the biggest of all the other baby boys in the nursery.

I s...

A policeman, an archer, and a soldier are on an airplane losing altitude.

The pilot yells to these passengers, "We're carrying too much weight, drop whatever you got!"

The policeman drops his pistol, the archer drops his bow and arrow, and the soldier drops a grenade out of the hatch door.

The plane still crashes, and all three passengers wake up in differen...

Not all construction work is equally enjoyable.

For instance, drilling a large hole is boring, but fastening two pieces of metal together is riveting.

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Mike and Mark

Mike and Mark are identical twin brothers.

Mike is a really good guy. Helps his friends in need, visits their mother regularly and is a pillar of their community.

Mark is a real ass. Self-centered, steals from his friends ignores their mother and is an all around douche bag.

...

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