I was digging a hole in my backyard when I found a box filled with gold.

I was so excited that I ran inside to tell my wife. Then I remembered why I was digging the hole in the first place.

Two guys are walking through the woods one day when they stumble across a big deep hole.

The first guy peers into it and says, "Wow! That looks deep."

The second guy says, "It sure does. Let's throw a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is. We'll be able to tell the depth by how long it is before we hear the noise of the pebbles landing."

So they pick up a few pebbles...

My job is to drill holes in things and then bolt them together.

At first it's boring, but later on, it's riveting!

Whenever I'm sad my friend always says "cheer up man, it could be worse. You could be stuck underground in a hole that is full of water"

I know he means well...

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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'si...

My wife divorced me because I accidentally put it in the wrong hole

Fair enough it was her sister's but still...

What did the black hole say after it swallowed an asteroid?

"It was good, but I wish it been a little meteor."

[Long] Two men are walking across a field, when they come across a very large hole in the ground. So large that they can't see the bottom of this hole. "I wonder how deep it is.", the first man says. The second man pulls out a coin, and flips it into hole. They wait and listen....

....nothing. "Wow!", they both exclaim. "Let's try something else.", says one man to the other. They spot a large rock nearby, and with a struggle, they get the rock to the hole. They roll it in, wait and listen....still nothing. " My goodness! How deep this hole must be!", says one man. " Let's try...

A nun goes to the priest and says "father, there's a hole in the roof of your church."

"Thank you for telling me," he replies "but you've been here for years, it's our church."

The next day the nun goes to the priest and says "father, there's a broken window in your- I mean, our, church." He thanks her again and calls for a repairman.

The following day the priest is prep...

What goes down an alley and has holes in it?

Batman’s parents

I invented a new golf ball that’ll automatically go in the hole if it gets within four inches...

Whatever you do, do NOT carry them in your back pocket...

Two men are trying to get in a quick eighteen holes, but there two women golfers in front of them who are taking quite a long time to play each hole.

The first guy says, "Why don't you go over and ask if we can play through?"

The second guy gets about halfway there, turns and comes back.

The first guy says, "What's wrong?"

The second guy says, "One of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress."

The first guy says, ...

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As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter…

I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.

I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat."

On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, "I have a confession to make. I'm not a virgin. I've been with one other guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods, the golfer."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that."

The couple then makes passionate love.

When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

"I'm hungry. I'm calling room service."

"Tiger wouldn't do t...

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Bob was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang...

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in an accident and was in critical condition and in ICU.
The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible.

As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best...

What has 2 cheeks and a hole in the middle?

Your face.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

You shouldn't refer to them as Shit Hole countries.

The proper term is Turd World.

Pat and Mick were walking down the street when Pat fell into a big hole filled with milk.

Mick runs over to the hole and asks:

“Pat, is it pasteurised?”

To which Pat replies:

“Nah, it’s only up to my knees!”

Whilst working out earlier I found a hole in my trainer big enough to put my finger in

But apparently she doesnt like that, and now I'm banned from my gym.

Someone was banging on my door yesterday and yelling "let me in, let me in". I went and had a look through the peep hole, and standing outside was a man dressed as a basin.

Just let that sink in.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I am getting tired of porn that say her used all her holes..

I have never seen a dick go into a nostril or ear yet!

Why did the blind villager fall into the watering hole?

because they couldn't see that well

^^^_yes_i_know^^^

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What gets longer if pulled, fits snugly between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, chokes people when used incorrectly, and works well when jerked?

A seat belt

Why did the black hole get arrested

It commited mass murder

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A kiss will make your whole day

Anal will make your hole weak!

Look down a mole hole, what do you see?

Molasses.

Did you hear about that celebrity who got caught stealing a whole bunch of cheese?

True story, it was Brie Larson.

A guy wins the lottery. So he decides to live his life like rich people. What does rich people do ? They play golf, so he goes to a country club to play golf.

He didn’t know anything about golf. Didn’t bring a caddie . After an hour of struggling/playing, he gets lost. Didn’t see anyone until finally he sees a girl and asks her..
“ Sorry, to bother you, but I dont know where I am, could you tell me ?”.... “Sure, you are in the 5th hole, Im in the 6t...

Two men walk up to a hole

One says to the other, "I wonder how deep this hole is" then picks up an anvil near them and throws it down the hole.

After about 20 seconds, the men hear a goat running behind them and it jumps in the hole. "Woah!" they both thought.

Then, a farmer walks up to them and asks them if ...

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Trump should not have said "shit-hole countries".

The correct term is "turd-world countries".

How is a 9 volt battery like an a**hole?

It may be wrong, but sooner or later you're gonna put your tongue on both of them.

A man is locked in a room with no doors or windows...

The only thing in there with him is a red marble and a blue marble.

He says, “well, I have a red marble and I have a blue marble, and two haves make whole.” And so he uses that whole to climb out.

You say, “That’s stupid. It’s two *halves* that make a whole, not two ‘haves.’ And an...

Why did the myopic man fell in the hole in the ground?

Cuz, he didn't see that Well

"Say, you and your wife... did you ever put it in the other hole?"

"Are you crazy, man? She'd get pregnant!"

I dumped my blonde girlfriend after she tried to poke holes in one of the condoms.

She might have gotten away with it had I not been wearing it at the time.

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Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.

Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby. "Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. ...

The hard working hole driller thought that everyone he met had bad social skills...

But in reality, people just couldn’t look him in his eyes because they always found him to be boring.

Digging a hole

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along b...

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This one time I got my dick stuck in the hole of a DVD of a Pixar film about an old man who made his house fly with balloons

I guess it’s pretty apparent how badly I screwed Up

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The 19th hole.

A crusty old golfer comes in from a round of golf
and heads into the grill room.

As he passes through the swinging doors he sees
a sign hanging over the bar :

COLD BEER: $2.00

HAMBURGER: $2.25

CHEESEBURGER: $2.50...

Two men stumble across a hole in the woods.

They want to see how far down it goes, so they look around for something to drop inside.

One man notices an old rusty anvil.

With great effort, they drag it to the hole and push it inside.

The watch the anvil drop into the hole, and even after it disappeared into the blackness, ...

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Mr. Dickson, the science teacher, asked his 4th graders one day if anyone knew how to put 2 holes into 1 hole.

Since no one was able to answer the question, he told the kids to go home and ask their fathers. They came back the next day and still no one knew the answer.

"Look," said Mr. Dickson while holding his index finger against his thumb, forming a little "zero."

"This is one hole, my nose ...

Two astronauts are falling into a black hole while telling jokes.

One turns to the other and says "I'm afraid we're not aware of the gravity of the situation."

A buddy once asked me if i ever stuck it in, you know, "the other hole"

I freaked out. "What if she gets pregnant?!"

2 guys walking along the road. One was digging a hole , the other one waited a minute and filled the hole back

Then they moved on and after about 10 feet they did the same - digging up , waiting a minute , and filling it back up.

They went on doing this the whole morning, covering almost 3 miles. One guy who was watching them eagerly just couldn’t resist any more, and asked - are you guys mad or wh...

I crashed my golf cart two times while driving through hole one.

My driving skills were below par.

Whats worse than finding a hole in your condom?

Finding a condom in your hole.

As my old Grandad was so fond of saying , "When you're in a hole stop digging"

It cost him his job in the graveyard , though.

A frenchman, an englishman, and a new yorker go on an expedition and find an uncharted island.

It turns out it is run by cannibals.
They are ambushed, their weapons stolen, and they are apprehended by the chief of the tribe, who says "You are forbidden from setting foot on this island. We are going to eat you and use your skins to build a canoe. However, we are not without compassion. We w...

A hole was discovered in the fence surrounding the local nudist colony

Police are looking into it

Needed to punch another hole in my belt.

I gave it my awl.

The one with a big hole and an anvil

So there were two hunters walking in the wilderness when one spots a giant hole.

"Holy guacamole, look out for that hole!" he says to the other hunter.

Noticing it, the second hunter has an idea. "I wonder how deep it is." he says, picking up a rusty anvil sitting on the ground and dro...

I got scammed! Purchased Tiger Woods book “18 of my favorite holes”...

and it was about golf.

Two black holes are jogging in space.

One says "You should slim down to get more attractive."

"Are you dense?" replies the other.

​

My girlfriend poked a hole through the condom with a sharp needle, but I don't mind having a child

If only she'd let me take it off first.

Why do bald guys have holes in their pockets?

To run their fingers through their hair.

Man walks into a black hole and orders a drink.

Bartender says why the long face?

A black hole will devour the earth.

Sucks, doesn't it?

Golf holes.

First joke for me, I first heard it in French and translated it, please be kind.

Joe practices some golf but he is a little wasted and he isn't keeping track of his score. After a few holes, he forgets which one he's actually at so after putting, he asks a lady to please indicate to him what ...

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting with St. Peter at the pearly gates when all of a sudden she hears the most bloodcurdling screams.

"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings."

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.

Ten minutes later, there are more loud and dreadful screams "Oh my God," says the old l...

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There was a farmer who had two sons.

His wife died as soon as she gave birth to the second son. Because of this, the farmer always blamed his second son for his mother's death. But he did not fail in his responsibilities as a father. The farmer was poor but he worked really hard to get his two sons in grad school. They didn't do well e...

What do you get when a cow falls into a hole

A pitbul

The more you cut it, the less holes it has. What is it?

A net.

How do you cover 12 holes with one hole?

Take a flute and shove it up your ass.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Fun fact: saying the word "poop" makes the same shape with your mouth as your bum hole does when pooing

The same is also true for "explosive diarrhoea"

Two hunters are tracking a deer when they stumble upon a deep hole...

They can’t see the bottom of this hole and were wanting to see how deep it went. One of the hunters found an anvil next to the hole and threw it down. They were waiting to hear the thud of the anvil hitting the ground but they didn’t hear anything. Suddenly, the hunters heard a charging sound. The h...

I had this friend who'd only talk about digging holes...

He was always boring

What's the only thing that can pleasure a supermassive black hole?

A Large Hard-on Collider

A young guy gets paired with an elderly stranger for a round of golf

A young guy gets paired with an elderly stranger for a round of golf. They're on the fifth green, the old guy is lining up a putt, when they notice a funeral procession passing by the course.

The man backs away from the putt, removes his cap, bows his head for a quick prayer, crosses himself...

A man goes up to a hole...

A man goes up to a hole in the ground filled with water. He looks down at it and says "how are you". The hole replied "Im well, thank you."

Why are port holes on a ship round?

So when you open one to look out, a wave won't hit you square in the face.

My friend lost his job at the cemetery after burying someone in the wrong hole

It was a grave mistake

An amateur physicist was sucked into a black hole

Apparently, he didn't comprehend the gravity of the situation.

The Big Hole

These 2 guys were walking on a road when, the see a huge hole.

Guy 1 : Let’s throw something in there to see if there is an end.

Guy 2 : Sure

They throw a small rock, yet they here nothing, now a 1x1 foot rock, still nothing, but they see a log and grab it from both ends, and to...

Stevie Wonder rings Tiger Woods and says

"how do you fancy a round of golf"

Tiger says "I didn't think you would be able to play Stevie"

Stevie explains how he had a caddy put a device in each hole that emits a constant high pitched tone and he can tune an earpiece into, which tells him the direction and distance to it.
...

Chuck Norris fell into a black hole.

The black hole couldn't escape.

An engineer, physicist, and mathematician have been imprisoned.

At some point, the warden realizes that the three men haven't been fed in a while. He accompanies an officer to check up on them. The warden and officer arrive at the first cell that contained the engineer. To their astonishment, the cell was empty and the wall had a hole in it.

"How is that ...

When I was a kid, we were so poor, if I hadn't had holes in my pants pockets........

I wouldn't have had anything to play with.

So Jesus decides to come back to earth...

He gets his friend Moses to come with him, and Moses tells him he should warm up doing miracles before he shows anyone. They rent a cabin on a lake out in the middle of nowhere.

The first day, Jesus takes a wine glass, fills it with water and turns it into wine! Moses is suitably impressed....

Did you hear what happened to the criminal who walked too close to the edge of the hole?

He felon.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A couple of sub-par jokes.

Chris returned home after a long day out on the course. Upon walking through the door, he was greeted by his wife, who asked about his game.

"Oh honey, it was awful," sighed Chris. "Glen- you know Glen; Trish's husband?- he had a heart attack and dropped dead on the second hole."

"My G...

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Beautiful Woman on 9 holes of Golf

After 9 Holes of Golf we Came to the Snack Shack.
There was a beautiful Young Woman behind the counter.

The Sign Behind Her Said

Hot Dogs - $5

Hamburgers- $10

HandJobs - $ 20

I walked up and asked
“Are you the one giving the HandJobs?”

In a very sexy...

A man is walking in the forest and finds a GIANT hole in the ground...

Wanting to see how deep it is, he finds a small stone and throws it in

He listens for it to land but doesn’t hear anything...

“Geez that’s deep” he thinks, and begins looking for for an even bigger stone to try with

He finds a good sized boulder and tosses it in..

Once ag...