Why does Putin's laptop have 1 TB of RAM?

KGB

What's the difference between Gordon Ramsay's favorite dish and a slow running computer?

One is a Rack of Lamb, the other is a Lack of RAM

How do you get a Rams fan to stop beating his wife?

Put her in a Patriots jersey

It’s a great time to date a Rams fan..

They are used to disappointment and aren’t expecting a ring.

What's the difference between a dollar and the Los Angeles Rams?

A dollar is good for 4 quarters.

I guess the Rams ended the Super Bowl the way they ended the season.

13-3.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the difference between a sheep and a ram?

I can't sheep my dick into ur ass

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I told a girl my dick was like a computer

She asked if that was because it had loads of RAM and a big hard drive.

Oh, the surprise she got when she found out it was microsoft and full of viruses.

Wife Missing?

The first thing a grieving husband should do is CALL THE COPS!

Husband: "My wife of 15 years is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!"
Sheriff: "Height?"
Husband: "I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall."
Sheriff: "Weight?"
Husband: "Don't kn...

I found my boomerang with RAM glued to it

Man that thing brought back memories

Why did the ram run off the cliff?

He missed the ewe turn

Was nice to see the Rams and Patriots

make it to the Maroon 5 concert last night

What was the ram’s favourite Christmas carol?

All I Want for Christmas is Ewe

The Dodge Ram has always confused me.

I mean, which do you want to do? Dodge it or Ram it?

How much RAM does a great white shark have?

A killer-bite.

I like my RAM like I like my women.

Dedicated.

My friend didn't get my RAM joke.

DIMM wit.

I always have the hardest time seeing laptop RAM

It's just that the sticks are sodimm.

Why can't you use RAM as a flashlight?

It's SO-DIMM.

My memory is like a stick of RAM

It forgets everything by the time I go to sleep

What does a car do when a ram is running towards it?

Dodge.

10 years ago to this day, I cut myself with a stick of RAM

I guess you could say I have a pretty sharp memory.

A horse and a ram were sitting in a bar.

"Fancy another beer?" said the horse. "It's thirsty work pulling that cart all day."

"I know what you mean," replied the ram. "I've been stuck in a field all afternoon with no protection whatsoever from the sun. And the only water we get comes in a through that is filled with grass, muck and ...

A Michael Sam joke

After being drafted by the St. Louis Rams, Michael Sam celebrated by kissing his boyfriend. This is historic because it’s the first time anyone has celebrated being drafted by the St. Louis Rams. - Conan O'brien

Making love to a woman is like a Ram playing a violin...

He may not be very good at it, but it's still better than ewe

what did the ram say when his mom found drugs in his dresser drawer?

I learned it from watching ewe!

I was trying to find some spare RAM sticks in our stock room but I couldn't see any...

Because it was SO-DIMM.

What did the RAM stick say to the politician?

I'm PC2!

What do you call it when a shepherd can't find his ram?

Memory loss.

Super Bowl Halftime

At halftime it's Maroon 5 Patriots 3 Rams 0

What did the ram say as his lover lay on her deathbed?

There will never be another ewe.

I ran into the back of car the other day.

This gorgeous, leggy blonde got out and screamed " ram me up the ass, why dont you?"

And that your honour is where i believe, the confusion began.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man wakes up after a plane crash

he finds himself on a beach with nothing around but palm trees, sand and the noise of the water hitting the sand bay.

Despite his pain in every single part of his body, he manages to get up and walk along the beach. Some airplane parts are lying around too and slowly the man realises, he must...

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Chatting up a woman at a bar

I said "my dick is like a computer"
She said "what, you mean it's powerful with lots of ram?"
"Nah, its microsoft & full of viruses".

Football joke

How do you keep the St. Louis Rams off of your lawn?

Paint an endzone on it.

Why are sheep biased when it comes to car sales?

They only buy and sell Ram

One of my old theater director’s favorites

In an old, medieval village, there was a church, with a high bell tower. The bell hadn’t been rung in many a long year.

One day, a man with no arms finds the priest of the church and says, “Father, I’d like to be your official bell ringer.”

Confused, the priest responds “But how can y...

My computer's RAM isn't that great...

...but it still has faster processing than the DMV.

A man wakes up one day and notices he’s shrinking. (Long)

He checks his height everyday but today, he has lost an inch. The man thinks nothing of it and continues about his day.

The next day he wakes up and checks his height again. This time he has lost two inches. Concerned, the man calls his physician and scheduled an appointment for the followin...

Did you know that the Super Bowl was just on??

Apparently, neither did the
Los Angeles Rams.

My wife is like a 1974 Pinto.

She always blows up when I try to ram her in the ass.

An elderly man is having difficulty keeping up with his wife any more

so he goes to see the doctor and is gone for most of the day.

When he gets home, he arrives in a chauffered Cadillac, and is resplendently turned out in pinstripe trousers, waistcoat, frock coat, top hat and spats. He has a gold pocket watch in the waistcoat, a gigantic cigar, and an ebony ...

A drunk German and Russian are walking around town with a sober Brit

After a few too many, the group decides to head home but the two drunks can't seem to walk in a straight line, bumping into everything in sight as the Brit keeps them from hurting themselves. Fed up with babysitting them, the Brit decides to have some fun.

The German and Russian first bump in...

Do androids dream of electric sheep?

Yes, but it takes a lot of ram.

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An Old GF of Mine

I used to date a girl a while back who was a huge fan of St. Louis. Unfortunately, she was also dyslexic. When the Rams came to town, I picked her up to go to the game and she had "ORGASM!" painted across her forehead.

What do you call a goat that works at a bakery?

A battering ram

First impression (NSFW)?

A guy meets a girl at a bar, and they're having a good time. So, they decide to head over to his place. As he is about to open the door, she takes a step back and looks at him.

"What are you doing looking at me like that?"

"Oh, I can tell a lot about how a man makes love by how he open...

How do you think the unthinkable?

You ram an itheberg.

Where does steel wool come from?

Dodge Rams.

A man is walking home one foggy night,

When behind him he hears:

Thump...

Thump...

Thump...

He looks back, but the source of the sound is obscured by the fog. He continues walking.

Thump...

Thump...

Thump...

He begins to walk faster, and looks back over his shoulder as he hurries a...

A group of sheep walk into a buffet.

The waiter approaches the group and says, "the ladies can eat, but the men will only be able to order drinks".

"Baaa... care to explain yourself?" asks one of the rams

"I'm sorry Sir, but as the sign stated on the door, this is an all ewe can eat buffet".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two DEA officers were called into their superiors office after an operation didn’t quite go to plan.

Superior: “Gentlemen, do you want to debrief me on this latest raid?”

Officer jones: “Well, sir, as I recall it, first of all I used the battering ram to flatten the door. Then, within a few seconds of getting inside, I found at least 25 ounces of coke and weed all over the coffee table.” ...

I've been having trouble meeting girls, so I asked my dad for some advice. He said that if I wanted to break the ice, the next time I go out, I should use this pickup line...

"Ford F-150, Chevy Silverado, Dodge Ram, Toyota Tundra, Nissan Titan, GMC Sierra, Honda Ridgeline..."

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Voodoo Dick [Long]

a husband married a wife and the wife was the horny type, he had to satisfy her often. but when he had to go away on a business trip he found that his wife would most likely cheat on him. so he went to the nearest pawnshop and shared these details with them. they offered him a voodoo dick, the husba...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Bravest and Fiercest

The king was getting old and did not trust his sons to rule his kingdom after his passing. He decided that he must find a husband for his daughter. This man, who would one day take the throne, had to be the bravest and fiercest warrior in all the land.

The king devised a test. his engineers ...

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Horth Withperer

A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and says he's sending a friend
over to look at a horse.
His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?"

"That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment."
So,the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or
female hors...

Mary had a little sheep

Mary had a little sheep.

And with the sheep she went to sleep.

The sheep turned out to be a ram.

Mary had a little lamb.

Which parts of a laptop are best suited for laying siege?

The battery and ram.

A sprinter is training one day when he beats the world record.

After this he wakes up in the hospital with a concussion and a completely shattered foot.
"I'm afraid this happens sometimes in jokes," says the doctor, "and frankly you got off lightly. You reached the limit of what the laws of physics allow for and hit the fourth wall."

"Does this mean I...

The Genie and the Demon

Three men are out walking in the woods one day, when they stumble upon an old bronze lamp. Naturally, having spent much of their lives reading internet jokes, their first inclination is to rub the lamp and excitedly greet the genie that emerges.

"You have freed me from my near-eternal captivi...

I love the latest version of Firefox

"Now with 85% more RAM usage!"

Three young friends,

seeking a fortune, adventure together to Egypt where a new pyramid has been discovered.


Upon arriving at the pyramid, they are immediately told to leave as the site has already been excavated. The friends, not willing to concede, look for a different way in and find an entrance never bef...

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If Dr. Seuss wrote instruction manuals.

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-...

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Just one minute

A fellow walks into his doctor's office, complaining that he thinks he
might have a tapeworm. The doctor makes a physical examination and
listens to the symptoms, and concurs with the self-diagnosis.
"I want you to come back tomorrow, to start treatment. And bring a
banana and a cookie w...

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Some great one-liners.

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought. I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

My neigh...

Dad's Surgery

So my dad owns a computer repair company, and he needed surgery for a cyst in his neck today.

He sent me a picture of his head wrapped in bandages when he was on his way home saying "Added in some memory today".
To which I responded: "Did they have to RAM it in?".

Should have asked ...

Joke translated to English

Once upon a time, there was a young Indian man named Ram who fell in love with a beautiful white woman. Although his parents did not approve, he stubbornly married the woman and brought her to live in the home he shared with his parents.

The next day, Ram's mother, named Sita, made breakfast...

Red Neck Computer Dictionary

* LOG ON: Makin’ a woodstove hot.
* LOG OFF: Don’t add no more wood.
* MONITOR: Keepin’ an eye on the wood stove.
* DOWNLOAD: Gittin’ the farwood off the truck.
* MEGA HERTZ: When you’re not keerfull gittin’ the farwood.
* FLOPPY DISC: Whutcha git from trying to tote too much far...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Beth had her Dodge truck stolen

Beth had her dodge truck stolen. She called the police and they told her they'd send their best detective out in search of her Dodge. The woman called her son John and told him all about what had happened. When John told his girlfriend about it, she was wrought with distress. John said to her, "don'...

After his death, Steve Jobs wakes up in Hell and asks Satan, "Why am I here?"... (It's not in bad taste.)

After his death, Steve Jobs wakes up in Hell and asks Satan, "Why am I here? Certainly I've changed the world for the better through an innovative technological revolution."

"That's quite true," says Satan. "You belong 'upstairs' and I'm only borrowing you for a few days. But see, whenever ne...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Celebrity Computer Viruses

Monica Lewinsky virus: Sucks all the memory out of your computer.

Ronald Reagan virus: Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

Mike Tyson virus: Quits after one byte.

Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.<...

Why did the blonde get into a car accident?

She thought "dodge" and "ram" were instructions

I wanted to play Goat Simulator...

...but my PC doesn't have enough RAM.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Who's the most 'merican...

Shortly after 9/11, Achmed and Abdul were terrified with what Muslim men had done to their adopted country.


The shaved their beards, changed into western clothes, and made a pact to meet in a years time, and see who had the most "american life".


So a year goes by, and the two ...

computer humor

Graphics card says to the RAM "did you see that?" he replies "I Know".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An idiot, a moron, and a dumbass want to win a blue ribbon at the State Fair.

Idiot: "But what could we win?"
Moron: "What if we dun entered in an animal?"
Dumbass: "We could win for 'World's Biggest Pig'!"

The three go out and procure the biggest pig they can find. Over the next few weeks, they feed the pig as much slop as it can keep down. It grows slowly, but ...

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Dad's gonna make a man outta you!

An old retired Major is tired of people making fun of his son for not growing up and getting a job to support himself so he makes him join the Airborne Rangers. The son is incredibly afraid of heights and certainly does not look forward to parachuting out of a plane. The son calls his dad after th...

An assortment of GoT puns (don't worry, no spoilers)

Note: I have not seen a single episode of GoT, nor have I read the books. All my knowledge is based off of what I hear in the news. Feel free to insert your "OP knows as much as Jon Snow" joke here.

So, here goes:

What should George R.R. Martin have called the Night's Watch? The Snow P...

What's the difference between 2015 and Moore's Law?

One's the year of the ram, the other is the ram of the year.

Why are boats being driven into the side of the lake?

It's ram a dam

Muslim extremists have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London...

Police think it might be the early start of Ram-a-dam.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Old farmers joke I learned when I was little.

Farmer John was a quiet little farmer, living on his farm with his wife and his tiny flock of sheep that only counted 8 female sheep´s and one ram.

One fall something horrible happened, he lost his ram. And since the closest sheep farmer was over 9 hour drive one way, he ran to his neighbor t...

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I had a little car accident

On the way home from work, I had a little car accident, I braked hard, but still hit the car in front of me. A cute blond got out and shouted "Ram me up the arse why don't you"?.

This, your Honour, is where the confusion began.....

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Insults

She had a fanny like a stab wound in a gorilla's back

Look's like she's been dunking for apples in a chip pan

Had more hands up her than Sooty!

She's got a face like a dog lickin piss off a nettle

It looks like she's been set on fire and put out with a golf shoe!

S...