UPJOKE
pianojazzsoundmelodyguitarsongsheet musicclassical musicrhythmharmonylyricschordsingingfolk musicmusical notation

When Mozart died, you could hear his music playing backwards at his grave.

He was decomposing.

I almost lost my job as a DJ at a country music station

I accidentally played the same three songs for five hours. Fortunately, our listeners didn't seem to notice.

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What's a vagina's favorite music genre?

Cuntry

How did Metallica get people to stop pirating their music?

They stopped releasing anything worth listening to.

My neighbors listen to awesome music

whether they like it or not.

My ex used to hit me with musical instruments

I didn't know that she had a history of violins.

Someone keyed the music teacher’s car

Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor

A young boy is listening to the radio in the car with his father. “Dad, what music did you like growing up?”

“I was a huge fan of Led Zeppelin,” the father replies.

“Who?” the son asks.

“Yeah,” the dad responds, “I liked them too.”

Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other, "What kind of music do you like?"

The other says, "I'm a big metal fan"

Does music make you think?

It made Stevie wonder…

What kind of music do wind turbines like?

They're huge metal fans

When I was young, I thought rich people owned Bose music systems and the rest of us had Sony products.

Turns out those were just stereotypes.

What kind of music do balloons really hate?

*POP* music

After listening to me sing, my high school music teacher said that I should be tenor…

Ten or twelve feet away from all musical instruments at all times.

There’s a virus that makes us forget 80s music. It may be spreading.

No one knows the Cure

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A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porn film and it was due out in a month.

A month later, the musician went to a porn theatre to see the adult movie.
With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row of the adult cinema, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.
The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M, ...

A music teacher

A music teacher is being questioned by the police about his connection to a series of murders in the area. Eventually, they decide that he is the murderer they’ve been looking for. They ask the man, while handcuffing him, if there is anything he would like to say. He gestures with his head to a post...

What's a golfers' favorite type of music?

Swing.

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What is a prostitute's favourite musical note length?

A crotch.

How many pilots does it take to make good music?

Apparently at least 22

Where does Phil Collins like to record music?

In the stu-stu-studio.

I once worked with a very musically talented Jamaican

I once worked with a very musically talented Jamaican who, after years of auditions for various instruments, got a gig in the local orchestra playing the triangle- not his first choice. One day he came in super stressed looking.

I said “What’s up...can't handle the pressure of performing on ...

A music note walks into a bar.

The bartender says "Sorry, you're A Minor, we can't serve you."

I downloaded all the music to the movie Titanic.

It's syncing now.

What musical group is Jesus most afraid of?

Nine Inch Nails

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Apple announced a breast implant that plays music...

The iTit is considered a major social break through since women have always complained that men stare at their breasts but never listen to them.

I don't enjoy music without lyrics.

It just doesn't speak to me.

TIL that for release in Finland, the original Mortal Kombat had to be censored in an unusual way. Censors were fine with the gore, but insisted the music be replaced with traditional Christian songs.

FINNISH HYMN!!!

An old Music Joke

So a C, an E-flat and a G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.
...

Steve sees an ad for hiring a music producer.

The ad reads: "MUSIC PRODUCER WANTED! Must be able to play piano, type 40 words a minute, and be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer!" So he decides to go apply for the job.

The hiring manager is pleased with his resume but says, "Well your resume looks good, but I have to admit S...

What’s a tunas favourite music genre?

Heavy metal

I would tell you a joke about music...

...but it doesn't sound right

My neighbours are always listening to loud music

whether they want to or not.

What's a cat's favourite piece of classical music

MeOw ForTuna

What Do You Call a Young Pirate Who Loves to Play Music?

A Cee Minor!

I Love how music takes me to another place.

For example, when Lady Gaga is playing at a bar, I immediately move to another.

Sylvester Stallone wants to make a movie about classical music..

He wants to play Beethoven.

Jean Claud Van Damme says “I’ll be Mozart”

Arnold Schwarzenegger “c’mon guys. Don’t make me say it”.

What kind of paper likes listening to music?

Rapping paper

My printer is playing music

I think the papers are jamming again

New local fusion restaurant opened. The chef decided to leave classical music for high food.

His most delicious dish yet was the ciabatta and fugu in a meuniere.

Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don't notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

Please don’t become angry and resort to violins if you don’t notice.

Why did Karl Marx’s toilet play music?

Because of the violins inherent in the cistern

Why do pirates listen to opera music?

Because they love the high Cs.

What's God's favorite musical chord?

G sus

Gonna start a musical group called "SPHINCTER OF DOOM"

Our music might stink, but we'll be a tight knit band.

A music critic told me I wouldn’t know music if it hit me in the face.

I knew a friend that had that experience

He’s in the hospital because he was listening to hard rock

Music is like candy.

It's all pretty sweet you just need to throw away the wrappers..

what kind of music sinks to the bottom of the ocean

Heavy rock

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What is the favourite musical instrument for a couple of fish?

The double bass. This joke was made up by my 7yo daughter on the way home from school.

Why are soldiers bad at music theory?

A sharp major doesn’t exist.

In what order do you play Classical Music Songs?

Bach to Bach.

Music

I have been downloading HD digital music but some people don't really like the format so I've been getting a lot of FLAC lately.

What happened to the man who beat his wife with a musical instrument?

He was charged with domestic violins.

Asked a guy what kind of music he likes. He told me he's really into "blackgaze"

I should have asked him how it's spelled before I googled it.

What do you call a lactose intolerant music artist?

Post Provolone

I heard Reggae music coming from my printer.

The paper was jammin’

Why does no one listen to rap music in Korea?

Because it sounds like krap

I was confused when my printer started making music

Until i realized the paper was... jamming.

What do you call someone who writes Death Metal music?

A Decomposer

My neighbour just banged on the wall at 4.20am, can you believe it!!? Luckilly I was still up playing music.

He banged and shouted ' can we have a little respect please!'

I shouted back..., 'I'm not a big Erasure fan, but ok this one's for you!'

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My butt is very musical….

I had burritos last night for dinner and my rear has been playing Taco Bell’s Canon all night long. It was De Major movement.

(With apologies to Pachelbel)

Imagine mario teaching music

Student: keeps making the same mistake at the same spot*

Mario: “Mama mia, for the hundredth time it’s a mi”

I'm not a fan of elevator music.

It's bad on so many levels.

A thief was expelled from music school.

It was a bit unfair, all he was doing was taking notes.

what is a fisherman's favorite musical instrument?

A bassinet

I’m fine with substitute teaching math, science.. even music.

But art class is where I draw the line.

what is a 4 person rock group that doesn't play music

mount rushmore

What type of music does Santa’s elves listen to while working?

Rap music.

A boy came home with a C+ in music.

He said with great vigor, "I got an A-"

Music is the universal language

But one day soon it will be replaced by Chinese.

What do you call it when a musical spider regrows a limb quickly?

Allegro.

A guy is record shopping at a local music store…

and goes up to the clerk and says “I’m looking for that classic 90s Seattle grunge sound on vinyl if you carry it.” Clerk says reluctantly, “I’m sorry the only styles we carry are children’s, Christian, classical, or folk.” The man looks puzzled and becomes a tad irate. He responds back saying, “You...

What do you call when a person annoys people with loud music?

A deaf wish

My dog likes classical music

Whenever she hears it, she's always wagner tal.

I was at a bar one night when I heard the most amazing rendition of “Free Bird” being played. I headed to the stage to find my local magistrate behind the guitar & on the mic. I was so impressed that I hired him to play my wedding, but he insisted on playing his original music which was terrible.

Just goes to show, never book a judge by his cover.

How does a librarian organize their music collection?

They use the Dewey Decibel System

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If you like listening to music whilst having sex

Listen to a live album, that way you'll get an applause every 3-4 minutes

A self-absorbed jazz musician is sitting at a bar after a playing intense music all night.

A beautiful woman shyly walks over to him and says “Excuse me, I hate to bother you. Your music is phenomenal. It moves me in so many ways.

Artistically, it opens my appreciation of beauty and skill.

Intellectually, your music helps me to understand and think and reason.

As a wo...

Where do music loving cats go to for vacation

Sing-a-purr
(I know it’s cheap, I’ll see myself out)

People say John Cage's 4'33 is a great piece of music

But I just don't hear it.

What do you call a frightened Roman emperor that speaks rhymes to the beat of music?

Chicken Caesar Wrap

We have just got a bird of prey that will only move at night to 80’s music…

Our kestrel manoeuvres in the dark.

Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.

Read it slowly.

A high school music instructor walks into a bar

A high school music instructor walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I lost my job today. The superintendent said that I was too controversial," he tells the bartender. "He heard I was making the students read band books."

My favorite music is songs about horses

Idk if theres a genre but i call it clip clop

Sad news for music lovers today....

Justin Bieber was found in his hotel room, alive.

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When I found out they had found a cure for dyslexia I was like.....

Music to my arse!

Which musical genre did Mufasa hate the most?

Ska

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I hate listening to music during sex...

There honestly aren't many good 30 second songs out there.

I don’t like country music ...

but I don't mean to denigrate those who do.

And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'.

-Bob Newhart

“Your music is turned up way too loud!”

they used to tell me.

But I haven’t heard that for a long time.

My dad told me I was listening to way too much Korean Music.

I told him, "K pop"

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My music teacher constructed a piece for heterosexual killer whales.

That's something I wouldn't know how to orca straight.

My wife has claimed I’m too obsessed with eighties music

I said to her “Don’t, don’t you want me?”

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A dictator once asked a famous composer if he could write him a brilliant piece of music.

Naturally, the composer was extremely nervous, as the dictator had a habit of giving the death penalty to those who did not please him.

The composer spent weeks working on this piece, and from a musical standpoint it was quite good. So, he gathered his orchestra and performed his piece for th...

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My therapist told me to listen to classical music before work to help with my anger management issues.

This morning I woke up and chose violins.

A father asks his child, "Could you please stop listening to Korean music?"

"K, pop."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Our President Elect is a real tough guy...

The candidate who was going to "defeat ISIS" is currently at war with Saturday Night Live and a Broadway musical.

in the 1980s they blamed heavy metal music for violent youth.

Now it's 2022 and their still blaming the doors.

Dad Joke: What do you call clean music?

A soap opera!

God and the devil chat about music

The god and the devil were chating, as they usually do when the concept of music came up.
With a bit of intrigue God asked the devil how he'd managed to get into every genre of music, from rock & rap to hip hop & metal ect .
The devil chuckled no no no , music is too special, too human...

Accordion to a recent survey, 7 out of 10 people don't notice when a word in a sentence is replaced

by a musical instrument.

A man went into a music shop

A man went into a music shop looking for a new instrument.

The owner introduced him to a lot of different instruments: flutes, trumpets, drums and guitars but none of them caught the man's interest.

The man nearly gives up when he spots a saxophone hanging in the corner. He tries it an...

The Music Major

A student has a music major final due, he must compose a symphony.

Out of time, he decides to go to the library to find sheet music and simply write it backwards and submit it as his own. He looks through the stacks and finds one from his very professor when he was a student. He copies it do...

Where did the music teacher leave her keys?

In the piano!

Guy hears incredible piano music coming from a bar...

So he walks in and there's a guy about a foot tall that is beautifully playing any song someone requests. The guy is totally perplexed and asked the bartender how they found him. Bartender points to a genie sitting at the end of the bar and tells him he'll grant any wishes you want.

The guy w...

My friend writes music about sewing machines.

He's a singer songwriter, or sew it seams.

What's a pothead's favorite musical instrument?

bag pipes

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Laptop Speakers! Too quiet for music ...

Yet too loud for porn

What do you call musical chairs with toilets?

Game of Thrones

What is a construction worker with bad taste's favorite genre of music?

Sheetrock

Before Darryl Hall's music career took off he was an over the road driver for Quaker Products.

He was literally haul'n oats.

A journalist asked Tim Cook why iPhones are so expensive

"Well", said Tim Cook, "that's because the iPhone replaces a whole bunch of devices. A phone, a camera, a watch, a music player, a video player, a PDA, a voice recorder, a GPS navigator, a flashlight, a calculator, a portable gaming console, and many other things. Surely, a high price is worth payin...

What do you call a group of killer whales carrying musical instruments?

An orca-stra.

I made a playlist for hiking, it has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.

I call it my Trail Mix.

Have you heard of the musical condoms?

They started a rubber band.

How do Halloween characters listen to their music?

Scare pods

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