A pack of geese is a gaggle

But a pack of camels is why my dad never came back

Dad: "Son, I found a pack of condoms in your room."

Son: "Thanks Grandad!"

Dad: "Why did you call me Grandad?"

Son: "Because I couldn't find them yesterday."

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.

Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

“Olympic condoms?”, she blurts, “What makes them so special?”

“There are three colors”, he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.”

“What color are you going to wear tonight?”, she asks cheekily.
“Gold of course...

A drill sergeant ran his platoon of recruits all over the camp in the hot sun with heavy packs on.

As they stood there, exhausted, he put his face up to one of the recruit's face and said, "I'll bet you're wishing I would die so you could come and urinate on my grave, aren't you?"

And the recruit says, "No, sir! When I get out of the army I'm never gonna stand in another line again!"

I got a six pack for my wife....

Best trade I ever made

I remember when was a kid I could go to the store with $1 and come home with 3 bags of chips 2 candy bars 6 packs of starburst and a cold drink.

Nowadays they have cameras everywhere

People who truly love their 6 pack abs...

Will protect them with a layer of fat.

I was brought up in the wild by a pack of hyenas.

Times were hard, food was scarce, but we had some great laughs.

Me: Hey I just won the lottery pack your bags. My wife: OMG we’re going on vacation????

Me: No I’m divorcing you.

What do you call the fear of gambling a pack of 13 cards?

Risk-a-deck-aphobia.

A man comes home from the grocery store with a 12 pack of Coca Cola and throws a can at his friend.

Friend: What the hell?! What was that for?!

Man: Relax, it was only a soft drink.

What's the difference between the Hells Angel's and a pack of (bi)cyclists?

One is a lawless gang of thugs, and the other's the Hells Angels

What does a gun and a pack of gum have in common?

Everyone suddenly wants to be your friend when you take it out at school.

What happens when you give a Dutchman a pack of gum?

Two-lip bubble

A 17 year old male walks into a drug store.

He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, if you know what I mean" Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: "y...

80% of girls like guys with six-pack abs.

80% of guys with six-pack abs don’t like girls.

How to sell sugar for 100$ per pack?

Call it homeopathy.

I remember 30 years ago with a dollar you went to the supermarket and went out with 2 sandwiches, 1 box of 6 beers and a pack of cigars.

Today, unfortunately, there are cameras everywhere.

Why is crucified Jesus always depicted with six pack abs?

He did CrossFit.

A man won the lottery and called his wife asking her to pack her clothes

Wife: should i pack for a tropical or a European holiday.

Husband: pack whatever you want, what's important is that you are not there when i get home.

Wife: I don't see any reason why you would need to drink a whole six pack right before you go to bed!

Me: That's only because there aren't any mirrors around here...

My first time buying condoms, at age 16, I went to the pharmacy. The hot cashier at the counter could see that I was new at it and gave me the pack asking if I knew how to use one. I said, "No, it's my first time."

She took one out, put it on her thumb and told me to make sure it was on tight.

I still looked confused.

She looked around the store to see if it was empty and it was.

"Just a minute." she said and locked the door.

She led me to the back room, took off her shirt and bra.<...

What do nudists pack for vacation?

Just the bare necessities.

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My wife caught me cross dressing and said it was over

So I packed her shit and left.

I miss going to the store with 1$ as a kid and being able to get a pack of milk, 12 eggs and a lot of candies.

Now they have cameras everywhere

They came in a pack, he thought he could take them but he bit off more than he could chew.

I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.

What do you call a Snowman witha six-pack?

An Abdominal Snowman

Do you smoke?

Lady: Do you smoke ?

Man: Yes

Lady: How many packs a day ?

Man: 3 packs

Lady: How much per pack

Man: $10.00

Lady: And how long have you been smoking ?

Man: 15 years

Lady: So 1 pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending...

My friend keeps boasting that he's got a 3 foot tall pack of cards

Big deal...

My brother told me a trick on how to get a six pack in an hour.

You have to go to the liquor store

In the supermarket yesterday, some bloke threw a pack of mild cheddar at me.

I thought "that's not very mature".

I am so honored to have had the privilege of performing my comedy in the biggest most pack venue in the world.

The internet-THANKS SO MUCH GUYS YOU'VE ALL BEEN GREAT!-LOVE YOU- GOOD NIGHT!

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Everyday a man named Jack would chew and swallow three whole packs of bubble gum.

Finally his concerned coworkers asked, "Jack, whats the deal with chewing and swallowing all this bubble gum?"

Jack responded by saying, "I don't know... It just helps me keep my shit together."

What does a ska band do with their gear after a gig?

Pack it up pack it up pack it

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What do Hitler and EA have in common?

*You are missing the Punchline Pack. Please purchase the Reddit Season Pass to reveal missing content*

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Some people think of fanny packs as being a useful tool to hold your belongings,

I personally think they’re just waisted space.

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Why Condoms comes in 3,6 and 12 Pack?

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?”

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe $ex.”

“Oh, I see,” replied the boy pensively. ...

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A man comes home to his wife and says “Honey, I just won the lottery! Pack your bags!”

“Oh my god, what should I pack?!” She replies

“I don’t care! Just pack something and get the fuck OUT!”

A woman rushes into her house one morning and yells to her husband, "Sam, pack up your stuff. I just won the lottery!"

"Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"


"Whatever. Just so you're out of the house by noon!"

If you ever find yourself being chased by a pack of Taxidermists

Never play dead.

When I was of 6, Mom would send me down to the corner store with $10 and I would get 5 bags of potato chips, 2 loaves of bread, 3 pack of milk, some cheese and 6 eggs.

You can't do that now, too many damn security cameras!

I'm going to tattoo a pack of cigarettes on my arm.

That way my father will actually want me.

I feel uncomfortable watching a band pack up their gear after a show.

It's disconcerting.

Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves.........?

Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves. The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket. After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, "Well, do you want to make a run for it or stay here a few days and outnumber them?"

How do you like my six-pack?

It was only $4.99 in the ab-store.

My wife told me that she’s done talking to me until I stop smoking a pack a day.

So far I’m up to 2 packs a day and getting along peacefully better than ever with her.

I bought a pack of condoms and on the front it said, "Longer lasting."

Which is just as well, because they've been in my wallet for years.

A guy comes to the shops counter to pay for a pack of condoms

Vendor: you want a bag with that?

Guy: No thanks, she is not that ugly

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I bought a defective pack of playing cards. It had only three suits and all the cards were jacks.

I'm still trying to get a refund from those heartless bastards.

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How many suppositories come in a pack?

A buttload.

On the back of a pack of condoms it said: "Keep away from children."

So now I have to get her the morning after pill.

A man buys a pack of cigarettes, warning label on the pack says: Smoking causes impotence.

The man gives it back and says "WTF is this? Give me the one that causes lung cancer instead."

My roommates a thief. I left a 6 pack of beer in my fridge last night and this morning there's only a couple left.

It's a 4 gone conclusion.

What do you get when you shoot four bullets into a six pack?

A Tupac...

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During the summer I bought two six packs of beer that was on sale

During the summer I bought two six packs of beer that was on sale. I placed them on the front seat of the car and headed back home.

I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous, almost blonde, was filling up her car at the next pump.

It was very warm and she was wearing ...

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Said to my wife “Pack your suitcases I’ve won the lottery!”

She said pack for hot weather or cold weather?

I replied “I don’t give a fuck just get out!”

A young man's grandma finds his condoms

She has never seen one before, and after opening the pack, carries it to him and asks "It said 'condom' on the wrapper. What's this for?"

The man is naturally a little embarrassed about the situation, and thinking quickly replies "Oh, they keep my cigarettes dry when it rains!"

Thinki...

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Just caught an alien in my freezer masturbating into a pack of frozen vegetables! "What the fuck are you doing?" I shouted. "Please don't hurt me!" he replied.

"I cum in peas."

When is was a kid, mum used to send me the shops wtih 50p. i could come home with a chicken, 2 pints of milk, 6 eggs, 2 packs of bacon and a comic book...

You can't do this nowadays though because of CCTV.

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A man and his wife finish having sex and she notices afterwards there's only 1 condom left in the pack of six...

"What happened to the others?" She asks him.
"I masturbated into them" he explains.
Later that night the wife is out with a guy friend and decides to ask him if he ever does this.
"Sure! All the time" he tells her.
"Really? You masturbate into condoms all the time"? She asks.
"No...

To the guy who stole my Microsoft Office pack

I will find you - you have my Word!

Okay, Lama spelled with one 'L' is a holy man in Tibet. With two 'L's, a llama is a South American pack animal.

So, what is a three 'L' lama?

A big fire in Boston.

My wife hates six packs

She thinks they're very abnormal

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What do you call testicles that you pack for a picnic?

Basketballs!

I just saw a video of someone crushing a 6 pack of Coke in a hydraulic press. All that wasted cola made me so sad.

It was soda-pressing

My wife tried one of those expensive beauty mud packs on her face and it worked!

Till she took it off.

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A man is queuing at the five items or less checkout.

A man is queuing at the five items or less checkout. The girl in front of him turns around and looks at his basket. He has a four pack of Heineken and an Indian meal for one. She smiles at him. He looks in her basket and sees a small bottle of wine and a Chinese meal for one. He says to her "You're ...

I found a hair in my Snack Pack.

It was off-pudding.

You might be a redneck if your girlfriend can pack a lip and go down on you at the same time...

...and still know what to spit and what to swallow.

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A man's Co worker is criticizing him for smoking

"how often do you smoke?"

"A pack a day"

"How long have you been smoking for?"

"About 22 years now"

"Really? Well I'll tell you why it's dumb, if you had saved that 15 dollars a day for 22 years, you would have had more than 100,000 dollars by now! That's enough for a Fer...

Just went to the store and bought a pack of energy saving light bulbs...

As the woman scanned them, she asked, "Will you be putting these up yourself, sir?"

"'Erm, no." I replied. "What kind of sicko do you think I am?"

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Wife: Where the hell have you been? It's 3 o'clock in the morning?

Me: I've been playing poker with some blokes.

Wife: Playing poker with some blokes? You can pack your bags and fucking leave.

Me: So can you sweetheart; this ain't our fucking house anymore!

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I once ate an entire pack of rope

I shit you knot.

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Franz was reading his book on death row...

It was the ‘storm of the century’. On death row, Franz was reading his religious texts, looking for God, even as the inmates of the neighbouring cells were having an explosive argument about who should get to shower first. ’14 days to execution’, Franz thought, as he physically and mentally trembled...

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Why does the penis have a knob at the end?

This question has bothered mankind for hundreds of years. Finally an American University commissioned a $100,000 study and after many months of research concluded that its purpose was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

The conclusions were not universally accepted and the French Govern...

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An old man was sitting on his porch one morning when a boy walked up the road carrying a large roll of chicken wire.

“Hey, boy! What are you doing with all that chicken wire?”

“I’m gonna catch some chickens, sir.”

“You fool, you can’t catch no chickens with chicken wire.”

The boy smiled and walked off. That evening he came back dragging the chicken wire with at least a dozen chickens rolled up...

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Kid asks is paw why do these condoms come in 3 packs?

Father: Those are for highschool boys son. One for Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

Son: Then what is this 6 pack for?

Father: Those are for college men! 2 for Friday 2 for Saturday and 2 for Sunday!

Son: WOW!! And the 12 pack of condoms?

Father: Sigh.... Thos...

What do you call the pack of boars who killed members of Isis?

Squeal Team 6

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My first day as a drug dealer

Customer: “Hey, do you have any Morphine”

Me, aggressively rifling through my fanny pack: “I’m gonna be honest with you, I have no idea what Feen is.”

Three roughnecks - John, Lonnie, and Donnie - were working on a rig in the oilfield...

While they were working one day, John falls off the derrick (the rig tower) and is killed instantly. As the ambulance picks up his dead body and drives away, Lonnie says, "Somebody needs to go and tell his wife." Donnie replied, "I'll do it. I'm good with this sensitive stuff."
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...

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What do Barnaby Joyce and an Ikea flat pack have in common?

All it takes is an inappropriate screw to fuck the whole cabinet.


*My mum couldn't wait to tell me this joke this morning.

Under my doctor's advice, I am now healthily smoking 2 packs of cigarettes a day.

He told me smoking just 1 pack a day would kill me

I bought a pack of condoms and the pharmacist asked if I'd like a bag for that.

I said, "no I'm good, she's actually quite pretty"

A man run homes excitedly, burst open the front door and yells to his wife "Honey! I won the lottery, pack your bags!" The wife excitedly jumps up hand grabs her suitcase and begins throwing clothes in it. She says "Ohmygod, that's amazing! Where should I pack for?"

The man replies " I don't care! Just get out!"

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