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Pack Jokes

My wife packed my bags and told me to leave . . .

As I was headed out the door, she said "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." I said, "so now you want me to stay?"

A pack of donkeys is called "a drove". But what do you call a pack of camels?

It's called "the reason your daddy left", Johnny. That's what it's called.

Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves.........?

Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves. The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket. After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, "Well, do you want to make a run for it or stay here a few days and outnumber them?"

"Son, I found a pack of condoms in your room."

"Thanks Grandpa!"

"Why did you call me Grandpa?"

"Because I couldn't find it yesterday."

A man buys a pack of condoms at the pharmacy...

The pharmacist says "Large pack, huh?" The guy buying says "Yeah. I'm meeting my girlfriend's parents tonight. After dinner when we go home we'll be getting it on." Later at the dinner, the guy is praying before he eats his food. His girlfriend says "I didn't know you were religious." The guy replie...

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Man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks “what are you doing?”…

She says, “I’m off to New York. I read that prostitutes can make $500 for doing what I do with you for free”.

As the wife is getting to leave, she walks by the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. “Excuse me, what are you doing??”

Husband replies - “Coming to New York, I...

A teen boy goes into a pharmacy and, somewhat embarrassed, asks the pharmacist how much a pack of condoms cost.

The pharmacist said a three pack was four-ninety-nine.

So the teen takes a five dollar bill from his wallet and puts it on the counter.

The pharmacist said "that'll be five dollars and thirty-five cents."

"But you said it was four-ninety-nine!"

"There's also tax."

...

What do you get when you shoot four bullets into a six pack?

A Tupac...

My wife has just told me to pack my bags and get out.

As I walked through the door she screamed : “ I hope you spend the rest of your life in misery and pain”


I said: “make your mind up, one minute your telling me to get out and now you want me to stay”

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Why Condoms comes in 3,6 and 12 Pack?

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?”

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe $ex.”

“Oh, I see,” replied the boy pensively. ...

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.

Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

“Olympic condoms?”, she blurts, “What makes them so special?”

“There are three colors”, he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.”

“What color are you going to wear tonight?”, she asks cheekily.
“Gold of course...

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A whole pack

A friend told me:
"I can't quit smoking because i need a cigarette after an orgasm."
I asked her:
"How many orgasms do you have during the week with your husband?"
She: "To be honest, i don't have any!"
Me: "Then why do you smoke a whole pack?"
She: " Because i have 20 ...

What do you call a yeti with a 6 pack?

The abdominal snowman

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A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room.

“Where the hell do you think you’re going?” he says.

“I’m going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free.”

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed...

A young Alabama man goes to a drug store and says to the pharmact: "I got a hot date tonight, an’ I need me some petection. How much is a pack a’ them rubbers gonna cost me?"

The pharmacist responds: "A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax."
"TACKS!" the shocked redneck says. "Gawd a’ mighty, don’t they stay on by themselves!"

A drill sergeant ran his platoon of recruits all over the camp in the hot sun with heavy packs on.

As they stood there, exhausted, he put his face up to one of the recruit's face and said, "I'll bet you're wishing I would die so you could come and urinate on my grave, aren't you?"

And the recruit says, "No, sir! When I get out of the army I'm never gonna stand in another line again!"

Why is crucified Jesus always depicted with six pack abs?

He did CrossFit.

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A woman is packing up and leaving her husband...

and tells him she's moving to Las Vegas. The husband asks, "Why Las Vegas?"

She says from what she understands, she can get $100 for every blowjob she gives. Upon telling her husband this he starts packing as well. The wife asks, "Where are you going?"

The husband says, "I'm goin...

I've just applied for a job in a salad packing factory.

The hours are terrible, but apparently the celery is good.

80% of girls like guys with six-pack abs.

80% of guys with six-pack abs don’t like girls.

This is true: I picked up a pack of ear plugs at work today and it had three in the pack

The maintenance guy said “that’s the Spock pack”

Me: “Spock pack?”

Maint: “aye; one for the left ear, one for the right ear - and one for the final front ear”

What packs a punch in your pants?

Boxers.

a gun is like a pack of gum.

when you pull it out at school everyone acts like they have been your best friend since kindergarten

My first time buying condoms, at age 16, I went to the pharmacy. The hot cashier at the counter could see that I was new at it and gave me the pack asking if I knew how to use one. I said, "No, it's my first time."

She took one out, put it on her thumb, and told me to make sure it was on tight.

I still looked confused.

She looked around the store to see if it was empty and it was.

"Just a minute." she said and locked the door.

She led me to the back room, took off her shirt and bra...

"Pack your bags, honey, I've hit the lottery!"

"What should I pack?"
"Everything! You're moving out!"

A group of dogs is a pack. A group of crows is a murder. What is a group of Karen's?

A Home Owners Association.

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True Story: This genuinely happened last night. I work as a Doorman/Bouncer. I own a pair of electrically heated socks. A customer came out for a cigarette as I was plugging the battery packs in and switching them on...

Lady: "What are you doing?"
Me: "I'm just turning my socks on."
Lady: "Ooooo, that's *very* considerate of you!"
Me: "What d'you mean?"
Lady: "Well, most guys I know wouldn't bother with that... they'd just cum in them!"

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over for dinner

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner. The girl tells her boyfriend that she would like to "do it" for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic but he has never done it before so he goes to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for over a...

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Man comes running in the door at home all excited. "Honey, pack your bags! I won the lottery" she asks "should I pack for the beach or the mountains?"

I don't care. Just get the fuck out.

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Do you smoke?

Lady: Do you smoke?

Guy: Yes I do.

Lady: How many packs a day?

Guy: 3 packs.

Lady: How much per pack?

Guy: $10.00 per pack.

Lady: And how long have you been smoking?

Guy: 15 years

Lady: So 1 pack is $10.00 and you have been smoking 3 packs a da...

"Suzy, I won the lottery! 4 million dollars! Pack your suitcase!"

\-"Do I need to pack winter or summer clothes?"

"I don't care. Just leave."

Smartest president

An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.

The 1st passenger said, 'I am LeBron James, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die.' So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

The 2...

As a serial killer, I keep all of my trophies in a snack pack.

The proof is in the pudding.

/u/username hates the hotel he is staying in and starts packing his stuff.

Username checks out.

A 17 year old male walks into a drug store

He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean"

Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back...

A pack of geese is a gaggle

But a pack of camels is why my dad never came back

Just been diagnosed with Swedish flat pack syndrome.

Sadly I have no IKEA what it means.

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A married couple were sitting at their dinner table when the wife says, "I cannot believe it!"

The husband looks up and asks, "you can't believe what?"

The wife turns her phone around and shows him what she was reading.

"Did you know, in Las Vegas, you can make $400 just for giving a BJ! Easy money! Fuck you, I'm out of here!"

She goes to the bedroom and starts packing a...

A bear walks into a 7/11 He gets a 12 pack and walks up to the clerk and says "I'll take these."

The clerk is stunned, so he heads to the back to speak with the owner. "Hey boss" he says, "there's a bear asking for a beer." The owner pauses for a second, then replies "Well then sell it to him, but charge him double. Bears don't know the price of beer." So the clerk heads back out front and sell...

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What's the difference between a bad golf drive and a poorly packed parachute?

One is whack...fuck and the other is fuck....whack.

I have the best six pack out there

2 x Salt and Vinegar
2 x Ready Salted
2 x Cheese and Onion

Now what I don't get are these people who, instead of buying a four-pack or an eight-pack of toilet paper, they buy the single individual roll;

are you trying to quit?

My wife's birthday is in two days, and she told me that she would be happy as long as I get her something with a lot of diamonds in it.

She's gonna love this pack of playing cards.

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What do Hitler and EA have in common?

*You are missing the Punchline Pack. Please purchase the Reddit Season Pass to reveal missing content*

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out, and...

Father: “Son, you were adopted.”

Son: “What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!"


Father: “We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.”

Last night a movie theater was robbed of over $1000 dollars.

The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, two large sodas and a pack of Skittles.

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My wife is such an idiot

My wife is such an idiot.She went on a business trip yesterday and took a whole pack of condoms with her.

She doesn't even have a penis.

A guy buys a pack of condoms

Pharmacist: Do you need a bag?

Guy: Don't worry shes not that ugly.

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An old man walks into a chemist and starts examining packs of viagra...

Nurse: Do you need any help there, sir?

Old Man: Yes, every Saturday my wife wants to have sex, but unfortunately, I can never get an erection. Which brand of viagra would you recommend?

Nurse: Well sir, everyone is different, but if you come with me to the counter, I can get you a pac...

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My wife accused me of being a Transvestite.

So I packed up all her shit and left.

Why was the programmer with a six-pack always positive?

Because they had Math.abs

My boyfriend is upset that I have no sense of direction.

So I packed up my stuff and right.

Why did Billy get fired from the banana packing plant?

He kept throwing out the bent ones.

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I once ate an entire pack of rope

I shit you knot.

I'm going to start selling kids' snack packs: crackers, cheese, ham slices, and Mexican wrestling masks.

I'll call them Luchables.

Johnny threw a pack of cards at Jenny

Jenny started crying but the teacher told her to deal with it

Why is Jesus always shown with a 6 pack of abs?

Because he's cross fit.

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A city guy decides to pursue his dream to be a lumberjack

So he moves to a remote logging town in the northern woods. It's just 40 men in this little community, hundreds of miles from the nearest town of any size, and he wonders how they manage their "loneliness," if you know what I mean.

One evening in the spring, after the day's work has ended, a ...

I was sacked from a packing factory.

I had a big roll of bubble wrap and I said to the foreman "Boss, what shall I do with this?" He said "Just pop it over there in the corner". Took me all bloody day.

I've been punting my cigarette packs lately

I'm trying to kick the habit

My wife caught me cross-dressing and said it's over.

So I packed her things and left.

A man bought an olympic condom pack

Husband: Hey see I got a olympic condom pack
Wife: huh, what is that
Husband: It has condoms named with medals. Let ne use the gold one.
Wife: Nah use the silver one.
Husband: Why?
Wife: You should come second for a change

I ate an entire pack of rohypnol last night and it didn't even affect me...

Anyway, gotta go. I need to do some last minute Christmas shopping.

25 years ago, my wife was attracted to me because I was ripped and had a 6-pack

Now she tells me I have a quarter barrel.

If you're ever chased by a pack of taxidermists

DO NOT play dead.

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I was in the supermarket today and the cashier asked the foreign couple in front of me if they needed help packing their bags

Fuck me, we only voted out yesterday give them a chance

Client: And a pack of condoms please

Shopper: Pack of 24?

C: When does they expire?

S: 2038

C: Pack of 6 please.

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A boy starts his first day at Walmart.

His trainer says to him "I'll take care of the first 2 customers to show you how it's done and you can look after the 3rd.”

So the trainer goes to the first customer and says "Can I help you, m’am?" Lady goes "I'm looking for some garden hose.”

Trainer "Okay 10, 20 or 30 ft?"

L...

Who were the first people with six packs?

Ab originals

A Sith, a Jedi, and a Mandalorian walk into a bar...

They start talking and after a few drinks the conversation shifts to cars. The Jedi living a life of austerity and frugality only has a 1991 Camry. The Sith and Mando laughs at him saying he has a Bad Car. The Sith having manipulated others into giving him their wealth shows off his McClaren F1. The...

Odin is planning to take a flight, so he packs his bags and heads to the airport. One of the staff says "sir, you'll have to keep your pet in the hold..."

Odin laughs and says, "no, this is a carrion raven."

What do you calla pack of Karens?

A complaint

My marriage is over.

I loved my wife Lorraine in the beginning, but for the longest time I've had a crush on my friend Claire-Lee Robins, who I know feels the same way about me. Eventually Lorraine found out about my secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left.

I do feel bad about it all...

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"Pack your bags, honey" a man says to his wife, "I've just won the lottery"

"Oh, how exciting" she says, "Should I pack for cold weather, or hot weather?

"I don't give a shit, as long as you're out of here by this evening."

A man smokes a pack a day for 30 years

His wife, sick of it: do you realize that if you had saved all this cigaret money you could have bought a ferrari by now ?

The man answers: well where's your ferrari ?

For sale: Pack of Mentos

Mint condition, original packaging.

What do nudists pack for vacation?

Just the bare necessities.

A blonde, worried about the HIV crisis, walks into a drugstore and purchases a pack of condoms.

"That will be $1.08, please," says the clerk.


"What's the 8 cents for?" asks the blonde.

"It says one dollar right here on the packaging."

"Tax," replies the clerk.

"Gee", says the blonde, "I thought you just rolled them on
and they stayed there.
Tacking th...

A man buys a pack of cigarettes, warning label on the pack says: Smoking causes impotence.

The man gives it back and says "WTF is this? Give me the one that causes lung cancer instead."

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A blonde, brunette, and redhead mom go to a cafe....

They had each stolen their daughters purses to see what their girls did in their free time.

The redhead mom opens her daughters purse first and finds a pack of cigarettes. “Oh my God, Debbie smokes! I am going to kill her!”

The brunette mom opens her daughter’s purse second, holding ...

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One day a man, who had been stranded on a desert island for over ten years sees an unusual speck on the horizon."It's certainly not a ship", he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer Suddenly, emerging from the surf, comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned guy and says: "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years," replies the stunned man.
With that she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long...

A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a drink. When the bartender delivers it, the cowboy looks around and notices the bar is completely deserted other than himself and the bartender...

"Where is everybody? This place is usually packed this time of day," the cowboy says.

The bartender replies, "They've gone to the hanging."

"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"

"Brown Paper Pete," says the bartender.

"What kind of name is that? Why do they call him Brown Pap...

I always buy condoms in value packs...

More bang for your buck.

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Husband goes to a police station, says ‘My wife is missing!’

Husband goes to a police station...
“My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”

Sergeant at Police Station:
“What is her height?”

Husband:
“Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall

Sergeant:
“Weight?”

Husband:
“Don't know. N...

A blonde girl...

...wants to know what life is like as a brunette girl, so she goes to the hairdresser and has her hair died brown.

Eager to show the world her newly acquired intelligence, she goes on a walk and meets a shepherd. She walks towards him and says:

"if i can guess how many sheep you have...

Ventriloquist to roadie packing the van: Got all the gear?

Roadie: No thanks, I'm driving.

Got this joke off of a yogurt pack... Why are football stadiums so windy?

'This is not labelled for individual sales'


I know, I dont get it either...

A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed.

As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.

In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you rem...

What's the similarity between a pack of chewing gum and a gun?

When you pull it out in class, everyone wants to be friends

my wife and I planned an entire week of camping. After two days, we packed our stuff and went home. We will never do that again!

The entire situation was just two in tents.

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Three sisters were all getting married within a short time period...

...Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started and made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on their first impressions of marital sex.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.

The card said nothing but: ...

There isn't much difference between a game console and a horsemeat packing plant

One is a Sony Playstation, the other a Pony Slaystation.

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to quit smoking my wife and I agreed to only smoke after sex

I haven't smoked in month and she's up to 2 packs a day

Fortnite are releasing a marvel themed battle pack.

Can’t wait to get my hands on that Thor-skin.

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Wife: "OMG I JUST WON THE LOTTERY! Quick pack your suitcase!"

Husband: "What?! That awesome! Holy shit...uh... should I pack for the beach? The mountains? DISNEY???!!!"

Wife: "I don't care just get the fuck out!"

Who were the first people in Australia to have a 6 pack?

The Aboriginals

The best way to get a six pack at the gym

is to take the beer from your fridge and smuggle it in.

Everyone told me smoking kills, I had no idea how fast.

My dad went to get his first pack of cigarettes ever and I never saw him again.

I love my six-pack.

It's no wonder I protect it with a thick layer of fat.

A guy goes to buy a pack of cigarettes

A guy goes into the store to buy a pack of cigarettes.

The cashier hands him the cigarettes, the man looks at the package and it says ***"Smoking can cause impotence in men".***

The man looking disgusted throws the pack back at the cashier and yells: "Give me a pack that gives you canc...

The Divorce Settlement

On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, he had the movers come to collect his things.

On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background musi...

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A man and his wife finish having sex and she notices afterwards there's only 1 condom left in the pack of six...

"What happened to the others?" She asks him.
"I masturbated into them" he explains.
Later that night the wife is out with a guy friend and decides to ask him if he ever does this.
"Sure! All the time" he tells her.
"Really? You masturbate into condoms all the time"? She asks.
"No...

I think my family is racist

I've been nervous for weeks, but I finally decided to introduce them to my Spanish girlfriend

My kids refused to talk to her and my wife started crying and told me to pack my things

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The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.

Grumpy leads the pack.

'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'

Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?'

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns ...

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