Mess up the formatting

How do you ruin a joke?

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LPT: For your safety, try not to mess with asexual people.

They don’t fuck around.

Circus in a third world country suburb can be a mess

So the lion tamer was doing his thing when suddenly the lion flips and starts attacking

People freak out, chaos ensues.. the two-week hungry lion runs around the arena. People run for their lives.

A disabled guy gets up on a pole in order to save his life, thinking it might be a good p...

I hate guys who wear UFC attire, like Tap Out gear. They think they're telling the world, I'm tough, don't mess with me.

But what they're really telling the world is I only get to see my kid every other weekend. I don't think that's anyone's business.

A new Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine...

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your post ...

Earlier today, while I was leaving the supermarket, a guy came in crying and in a mess. He told me he lost his rent money in the supermarket and has no way to pay the rent now.

I felt so bad for him, so I gave him $100 from the $1500 I found

Why you shouldn't mess with an octopus?

It's fully armed

What did Thanos use to clean up the mess he made by disintegrating half of all life?

The vacuum of space.

My wife hates it when I mess with her red wine.

I added some fruit and orange juice. Now she's sangria than ever.

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Microsoft office just fixed tables so they don't mess your entire document up if you move it 1mm

jokes, it's still fucked

I heard that the Brexit may not make such a big mess after all

But Theresa May

Person A: "Don't mess with me, I have a lawyer on retainer!"

Person B: "I'll do what I want. You and your cheap lawyer don't scare me. I'll just hire a more expensive lawyer, one that doesn't need any dental work!"

A friend of mine watched as I hunted for our dinner. He was disgusted by the mess of a dead animal.

Needless to say, I killed his appetite.

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Why should you never mess with a janitor cleaning a bathroom?

Cause when they plunge a toilet, shit goes down.

Today my spice rack fell to the ground, making a big mess.

I finished cleaning all the rosemary and sage so now I have a lot of thyme on my hands.

How does a woman mess with a gynecologist?

She becomes a ventriloquist.

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His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his bestfriend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.

A dick has a hard life.

People think my room is a mess, but it's actually very organized

Everything is sorted by date of last use. If I used it recently, it's on top of something.

My girlfriend always gets mad when I mess with her red wine…

So I added some Sprite and oranges to it and now she’s sangria then ever…

I advise you, don't mess with me, I know karate, kung fu, judo, tae kwon do, jujit su...

and other 28 dangerous words.

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Why do guys with huge dicks always mess up a joke’s punchline?

To get to the other side!

Why was the fan a hot mess?

Because it felt trapped and needed somewhere to vent.

I don't mess with birds man...

They got friends in high places.

Poodle: “My life is a mess. My owner is mean, my girlfriend is leaving me for a German shepherd, and I’m as nervous as a cat.” Collie: “Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?”

Poodle: “I can’t. I’m not allowed on the couch.”

The reason I check my hair and my general appearance so often, is because of this one bad day. I can't even say I remember it, but I am told my hair was a mess, I was covered with unspeakable fluids, had trouble breathing, couldn't even stand, and I cried in front of everyone.

I'm still trying to live down the day I was born.

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Don't mess with seniors!

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come int...

Seriously do not mess with a marathoner

They run the streets.

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Why should you never mess with birds for Jamaica?

Because the chickens are all jerks.

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One of my husband's duties as a novice drill instructor at Fort Jackson, S.C., was to escort new recruits to the mess hall.

After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them

"There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up!

Eat up!

Get up!"

Checking to see that he had everyone's attention, he asked, "What is the first rule?"

Much to the amusement...

How do you mess with a blind person?

Leave the plunger in the toilet.

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Never Mess with Kids

A man was seated next to a kid in an airplane.
The man turned to him and said, “Let’s talk”.

Kid: Ok, what do we talk about ?

Man (making fun of d kid): How about nuclear power?

Kid:
Very interesting topic. But let me ask you a question…
Horse, cow & deer, all eat g...

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Going on Reddit is a lot like having sex

You have fun for about 30 minutes then it all ends and you look back at the mess you just made.

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Sometimes me and my brothers used to mess with grandpa.

Once we asked him if he knew what a sex tape was.

He nodded thoughtfully. 'Sex tapes? Sure, we have those, but your grandmother prefers cuffs.'

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Never mess with a redneck

A filthy rich North Carolina man decided that he wanted to throw a party ...
... and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinkin...

Don't mess with Women!!

A man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh prawns, ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them out of the window. After he had gobbled a few of them down an older woman opposite him said, "Would you mind not doing that? It's disgusting to watch.".
"Listen love." He repl...

Trump: Foreign Policy?, if you mess with the United States

There will be hell toupee.

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I remember when I first started using drugs. I was 18 years old. It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two. Before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed and for a stronger buzz, I moved on to ecstasy.

It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin.

I was a complete mess.

I was broke and my body was ruined.

But fuck me, what a night.

Why is it a bad idea to mess with ents?

They'll call the copse.

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A group of sailors had jerked off behind my house and made a mess. It was disgusting so I called a bunch of guys to clean it. They asked me to show me the spot. I walked them to the back and said...

"See men, seamen semen."

I don't know if this belongs here, I mean it's not really a joke, but yeah...

Don't mess with the doctor

A guy goes to a doctor and he says , sir I am having this problem for a very long time

Doctor asks what it is and the guy replies

" whenever I walk ,my one foot goes in front of the other one "

Doctor thinks for a while and writes a pescription, turns towards the guy and says ...

My mom keeps asking me who made a mess at the dinner table

I spilled the beans

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You Should'nt mess with a gambler:P

Johnnie's father took him to class his first day of school. Johnnie's dad pulled the teacher aside and told her, Johnnie has a bad gambling problem so don't make a bet with him you can't win.

The teacher agreed. When the teacher was passing out the text books Johnny said, teach I'll make a be...

Don't Mess With Old Ladies

An eldery lady gets pulled over for speeding.

Older woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't ha...

Never mess with them Again

Mitsy and Milda were talking about their grandchildren after the holidays.

Mitsy said,

“My daughter-in-law stopped making my grandchildren send their thank you notes. Each year I sent the grandchildren a card with a generous check inside. I always received a lovely thank you note. Ho...

A penguin was taking a summer road trip...

A penguin was taking a summer road trip in the American Southwest when his car broke down and he got a tow to the nearest shop. The mechanic told him it would take an hour to check his car, so the penguin waddled across the street to an ice cream shop and ordered a vanilla cone, which he made a huge...

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[NSFW] a white guy is showering at the gym alone when in comes the biggest and most muscle bound black guy he has ever seen walks in...

The black man whips off his towel and reveals the largest member on a dude the white guy has ever seen. He can’t stop staring and it makes the black man uncomfortable after a few minutes

“You got a problem?” the muscles dude says

“I have to be honest” starts the white guy, “that thing...

A Programmers son asks, why is the sky blue?

Programmer: It works, don't mess with it!

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Why don't you mess with one-ply toilet paper?

It doesn't take shit from anyone

I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds.

I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, "Whoa! I'm way too high!"


-Bruce Baum

How to mess with people

To REALLY mess with people, try drinking Gatorade from a Windex bottle.

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Close Encounters

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, “Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.”

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger...

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Don't mess with old people.

A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up four cans and took them to the check out counter.

The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat and the mana...

Judging by the mess in the living room.

Babies don't bounce.

Energizer Bunny made a mess....

I put the batteries in backwards and it just kept cumming and cumming

Two pieces or tarmac are in a bar arguing about who's the hardest

A red piece of tarmac then enters the bar and the two other pieces shut right up and start minding their own business. After the bartender serves the red piece of tarmac a drink and it takes a seat he turns to the other two and asks "what was up with you two? I thought you were supposed to be dead h...

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A drunk guy is sitting at a bar by himself one night and throws up all over the front of his shirt

"Oh great, my wife is going to kill me," he mumbles to himself.

The guy sitting next to him sees what has happened and leans over towards him, "hey buddy, just put a twenty dollar bill in your shirt pocket and when you get home tell your wife the guy sitting next to you threw up on you and ...

I went on a camping trip with my wife, kids, and mother-in-law.

At night, my wife awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to me, she insisted on trying to find her mother. I picked up my rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her.

In a clearing not far from the camp, we came upon a chilling sight, the mother-in-law was backed up against a t...

A Sergeant-Major asks his platoon whether any of them are interested in music

When four hands go up, the Sergeant-Major says "Right, lads! You can carry this grand piano up to the officers' mess."

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Two boys...

Two boys an 8 year old and his 6 year old brother are talking one morning and the 8 year old says “today at breakfast to mess with mom we should each say a cuss word. I’ll say hell and you say ass.” The 6 year old agrees.
So they go downstairs to the kitchen and the mom asks the 8 year old “what...

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Aunt Carol

The teacher gave her fifth-grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking ...

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3 operating systems walk into a bar

The first says "I'm Windows. The most popular, everyone likes me and I don't mess about. I'll have a pint of lager."

The second says "I'm Mac OS. I'm the favourite of artists and hipsters, and I could never settle for a boring lager like Windows. Give me your hoppiest artisanal IPA!"

T...

A penguin is driving his car

A penguin is driving his car when he notices that the check engine light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first auto shop. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk. He sees an ice-cream shop and decides t...

Doggone interesting

This guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a mutt just sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the mutt replies. "So, what's your story?" The mutt looks up and...

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A brand new lumberjack is being shown around the work site where he will be felling trees.

The foreman takes him to the barracks, "Here's where you'll be sleeping, son, you have the top bunk over there" and motions to the corner of the room, "Up at 5 a.m., lights out at 10 p.m." The new hire looks at the shabby conditions but thinks he can put up with it for the pay he'll be receiving....

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3 Boys in a classroom named Zip, Willy & Piss

The teacher left the room for a brief period of time so the boys decided to mess about.

Zip climbed on top of a cupboard, Willy decided to hide in the cupboard and piss was jumping across the tables.

The teacher came back whilst they were doing this and shouted “Zip down, Willy out...

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An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, "My hands are freezing cold!" The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."

The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold!"

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."

He did and warmed his hands.

The following da...

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A man see's a sign on a bar window "Win $1,000,000 - Details inside"

Curiosity peaked, he enters the bar and asks the bartender what's required to win the million.



"Ah, that?" The bartender casually replied, offering a challenging smirk. "It requires the completion of 3 tasks I believe to be impossible. It brought in a lot of business when I first put ...

what do you get when you put a number 1 into a calculator and then add a number 2?

a mess

Psychic Daughter

Bill is putting his young daughter to bed one night and as he walks out the bedroom door he hears her saying her prayers. She says, "God bless mommy, daddy, and grandma, rest in peace grandpa."

Bill rushes back into her bedroom and asks her, "Why did you say the last part?" His daughter repli...

Why are cookies called cookies, and bacon is called bacon, but you have to bake cookies and cook bacon?

It's like that Parkway / Driveway mess up, all over again!

A mate of mine had just been hospitalised after taking an 'E'.

The security on Countdown don't mess about.

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Honeymoon.

Two virgins had just had their wedding and needed to leave for their honeymoon trip immediately after the reception. The drive to the airport was a couple of hours and they were on a tight schedule to make the flight. As they were driving down this lonely stretch of highway they got to talking about...

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I got a bunch of laughs taffy’s on Saturday and thought I’d share

Q: Who was responsible for the lakes disarray

A: The loch mess monster

Q:Why did the girl have a tiny wooden infant

A: She wanted a whittle baby

Q: What type of data has a big bite

A: megabyte

Q: What can you catch but not throw

A: A cold

Q: Wh...

A Co-worker approached me and asked if I wanted to make some money on the side with him. I thought it was a good idea, until he took me back to see his printing press.

I mean, seriously - this thing was a mess and his ink was all wrong.

I get so angry with all the spelling errors on Reddit

I feel like people are defiantly doing it on purpose just to mess with me

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I was watching this animal instructor show off this monkey. The monkey began acting up, and that's when shit hit the fan.

Even the janitor refused to clean up the mess...

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A stranger walks into a local bar...

He is a big guy but no one has ever seen him in there before.
"Who is the toughest guy in here?", he shouts to the bar keeper.
"Well right now I suppose it is Clyde over at the pool table."
The big man walks up to Clyde, rolls the pool balls around, picks up a pool que and just beats the da...

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There are 2 whales, we'll call them whale #1 and whale #2

Whale #1 said "Hey let's use our blowholes to mess with that ship"

Whale #2 said "Sure, okay"

The boat flipped upside down and people were drowning and swimming around

Whale #1 then said "Let's eat these people"

Whale #2 replied "Hey man I was up for a blowjob but I'm no...

Just as ordered

"Look at this mess!" roared an angry customer at a local cafe, pointing to his squashed doughnut.


"It's just as you ordered it, sir," the waitress replied meekly.


"What do you mean?" barked the customer.


"You told me to bring you coffee and a doughnut and...

A well-dressed city slicker breaks down on a country road...

His cellphone is dead, but a kindly farmer tells him he can use the landline in his farmhouse, a few hundred yards back from the road.

The traveller strides hurriedly across the farmer's field in advance of the farmer, but hesitates as he draws near a broad body of water, and turns back to lo...

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Penis lives a hard life

Penis lives a hard life

he is always being called a dick

he lives next to an asshole

His best friend is a pussy

his hair is a mess

and he is always getting beaten by his owner

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A boy gets a motorcycle for his 18th birthday

This boy just turned 18, and for his birthday his dad gave him his vintage Harley Davidson and a jar of vaseline. The dad told his son, "Always keep this vaseline on you, and if it ever starts to rain put it on the body of the bike to keep the coat shiny".

The boy is super excited and ride...

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