UPJOKE
pilefixlotdisordermusspicklemuddlemess halldisarraymilitaryarmed servicesarmed forceswar machinesightstack

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An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, "My hands are freezing cold!" The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."

The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold!"

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."

He did and warmed his hands.

The following da...

This Quarantine lockdown sure is messing with other peoples heads, I just saw my neighbor talking to his cat!!

Told this to my dog and we both laughed our assess off.

Husband: Honey, I invited a friend home for dinner. Wife: What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, all the dishes are dirty, and I can't cook meal. Husband: I know all that. Wife: Then why did you invite the friend?

Husband: Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married.
AI Image Generator

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LPT: For your safety, try not to mess with asexual people.

They don’t fuck around.

I started laughing at the mess the ice made

That titanic memorial didn’t work out well

Mess up the formatting

How do you ruin a joke?

What’s wrong with grown adults that regularly mess up they’re/there/their?

Their stupid

Why was Caitlyn Jenner's house a mess?

She was disorganized.

People think my room is a mess, but it's actually very organized

Everything is sorted by date of last use. If I used it recently, it's on top of something.

What happens when you mess up at ninja church?

The nun chucks you out

Why do people mess up etymology and entomology?

They don't. They just say the wrong word to bug you

I keep slightly messing up my attempts at wordplay, I hope my eleventh attempt hits the mark......

....no pun in ten has.

What did the baker say when he messed up his recipe?

Dough!

Don't mess with a Dinosaur

You'll get Juraskicked.

My girlfriend always gets mad when I mess with her red wine…

So I added some Sprite and oranges to it and now she’s sangria then ever…

Don't ever mess with cleaners who work for the mafia!

They're all maid men.

My buddy said I need to "get out more, stop messing around with computers and find a woman", but little does he know, I'm about to date a really hot ~20 year old server.

It's a Generation 6 Dell PowerEdge 1650 that I had to turn off because it burnt my rug and my best estimate is that it was made circa 2002.

I always thought "Don't mess with Texas" was a statement.

Turns out it's just a plea.

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Last night, my wife said to me in bed "You have a messed up relationship with your mother."

I rolled over the other way and said "Ma, are you hearing this shit??"

I remember my boss once pointed to my desk which was a mess…

He said that a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind. He wasn’t too happy when I pointed out that his desk was empty.

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(An old joke I heard. So sorry if I mess up with the wording.) A dead body was found floating in the river.

..The police recovered it, and found a wallet with the body. They found out that the wallet belonged to Mr. Smith. But they still weren't sure if the dead body was of Mr. Smith or not.

So they did some investigation and found out about the twin brothers Mark and Harry, who were very close fri...

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Don't mess with that mouse

3 mice are sitting together when one starts bragging about how tough he is. He says, "I'm so tough, I go around collecting all the rat poison I can find, then I put it in my coffee and drink it down!". The 2nd mouse laughs and says, "That's nothing! I'm so tough, I go to mouse traps, snatch up the ...

Two adult trees fell on top of my house and made a big mess

It's the first time my house ever got a treesome

You should never mess with chinese people

Because there a good chance you mess with the Wong family

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Don’t mess with Mother Nature

On the 16th hole of the golf course, Fred had hit his ball into the woods. Harry, his partner had laughed and poked fun, but then somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods as well, just a few yards beyond.
Fred looked for his ball for a long time, getting angrier every minute. Finally, in a...

messed up movie

Me:Dude,you should see the movie i watched yesterday.It is messed up.


Friend:Well whats it about?


Me:Its about a guy whose wife is brutally murdered,leaving his son physically disabled and in a twisted turn of events his son gets kidnapped and he has to find his sons kidnap...

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Never Mess with Kids

A man was seated next to a kid in an airplane.
The man turned to him and said, “Let’s talk”.

Kid: Ok, what do we talk about ?

Man (making fun of d kid): How about nuclear power?

Kid:
Very interesting topic. But let me ask you a question…
Horse, cow & deer, all eat g...

My neighbor tried to blame me for messing up his drive way

But it was his own silly Asphalt

A man answered an ad that read "Hiring welders $18-$24 per hour"..

When he arrived he was told he'd have to take a welding test.

He turned in 2 sets of welds. One was a great weld, the other was a mess.

When the boss asked him why he did this he replied "One is $18/hr, the other is $24/hr".

I got pulled over for speeding by a woman police officer and almost talked my way out of it by telling her she looked stunning. Then I messed up by saying...

“And that’s not even the booze talking!”

I ate a Portuguese tart today, and got mess all over my face

Still, she enjoyed it, and said 'Obrigado' afterwards

Why should you never mess with an Italian pastry chef?

Because he'll beat the foccacia.

My mate loves red wine. She hates it when people mess with it....

I thought I know I'll add some fruit and Lemonade....



But now she’s sangria than ever...

Did you hear about the blind Rabbi who messed up the circumcision?

He got the sack...

TIL subway workers can get fired for messing up one sandwich.

Whoops, wrong sub.

You don't wanna mess with Kelvin.

He's an absolute unit.

I asked Siri, " Why do I always mess up with women?"

She replied, "This is Alexa !!"

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Guy takes his best mate home to meet his wife:

His wife screams, "You fucking dickhead, my hair and make-up are a mess, the house is a tip, the dishes aren't done, I'm still in my pyjamas, I can't be bothered to cook and it's my time of the month! Why the fuck did you bring him home? The husband replies "Because he is thinking of getting married...

I murdered the pizza delivery man for messing up my order and had to cover it up.

I ordered another pizza to calm my nerves and the second delivery man noticed the body, so I had to kill him too. Now I feel even more nervous so I ordered yet another pizza. I think it’s starting to become a domino effect.

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If you ever want to mess with a bartender's head...

...order a virgin Long Island Iced Tea.

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His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his bestfriend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.

A dick has a hard life.

Don't mess with the farmer

It's a Friday, and there are three travelers. They were traveling down the road when it started to storm. They came across a farm. They knocked on the door and a man answered. "Please allow us to stay here for the weekend. We are tired and exhausted." The travelers pleaded. "Okay, fine. I'll let you...

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If you think your life’s a mess, take some anti-diarrhea drug

So you can your shit together

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

How do they clean up messes at the Vatican?

Papal towels.

Why shouldn't you mess with a poor landscaper?

They have bad tampers

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You Should'nt mess with a gambler:P

Johnnie's father took him to class his first day of school. Johnnie's dad pulled the teacher aside and told her, Johnnie has a bad gambling problem so don't make a bet with him you can't win.

The teacher agreed. When the teacher was passing out the text books Johnny said, teach I'll make a be...

If I had a dollar for every time I messed up the punchline

To get to the other side

The French chef's apprentice really messed up when he dropped an ostrich egg on the floor.

Big ouef

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I warn you not to mess with me!

I know Karate, Judo, Aikido, Jiujitsu and 22 other japanese words.

I always make a mess when cooking rice on my stovetop.

It is a starch reminder.

How many Texas cops does it take to save children from an active shooter?

Still under investigation.







Edit: For those who assume I think any part of this situation is funny... [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black\_comedy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_comedy). Also who gave me a Wholesome award? That's seriously messed up.

Edit ...

What do yo call a tall, muscular Irishman with a temper that you shouldn't mess with?

Liam Malone

If I ever find the guy who messed up my limb transplants,

I'm going to kill him with my bear hands.

Why should you never mess with a beaver in the wild?

Because it's none of your dam business.

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Why shouldn’t you mess with a bagel shop owner?

They know Jew dough

I regularly mess with the owner of the restaurant across the road.

I myself am a restaurant owner and regularly go into the restaurant across the street to mess with the owners head.

It started out small, changing the salt in the salt shakers for sugar. Removing the labels from tin cans so they wouldn’t know what’s in them. During this whole time the owner ...

If you mess with lgbtq

The whole alphabet pulls up

A new Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine...

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your post ...

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I remember when I first started using drugs. I was 18 years old. It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two. Before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed and for a stronger buzz, I moved on to ecstasy.

It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin.

I was a complete mess.

I was broke and my body was ruined.

But fuck me, what a night.

I hate that September, October, November, and December are somehow the 9th, 10th, 11th, and 12th months of the calendar year

Whoever messed that up ought to be stabbed

A woman was out golfing and hit the ball deep into the woods.

When she went to look for it she found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever ...

What did the librarian say when the books were in a mess?

We ought to be ashamed of ourshelves.

Why did no one in prison want to mess with the mitochondria?

It was the powerhouse of the cells

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A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog For Sale.’

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a ...

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There so much messed up kinds of porn these days

What's the world coming to?

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Two British army generals are catching up in the mess hall after years of not seeing one another during WWII.

“So Reginald, how you been my old mate?”

“Oh good good. Survived some close calls but can’t complain. How’s the ol’ wife Montgomery?”

“She’s well. Doing well.”

“And Manfred? You see him much?”

“Yep he’s fine. Lost most of his hearing in the battle at Vimy, but bless hi...

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Why do guys with huge dicks always mess up a joke’s punchline?

To get to the other side!

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Never mess with a redneck

A filthy rich North Carolina man decided that he wanted to throw a party ...
... and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinkin...

Air Force One crashed on a farm in Nebraska

Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the disaster was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.

The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but did...

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Bloke goes into a British pub on a hot summer’s day and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says....

..."You dirty pig!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."

The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread your arse cheeks and lick all that sweat."

She says, ...

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If someone can make good matzo don’t mess with them.

They’re an expert at Jew dough.

I have been secretly messing with people's spice racks...

You might not know it, but your thyme is cumin.

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My masturbation addiction and lycanthropy are really messing up my sleep.

I'm up all night tossing and turning.

I messed up during a guitar recital.

I didn't think it was a big deal, bit it turned out to a A Major mistake...

George R R Martin, dead after reaching peak popularity

Just like one of his characters.

(If this trash of a post hit the front page, the title could really mess with some GoT fans, I'm just saying)

I think Samsung has messed up with my new phone's shipment.

I had booked a Galaxy Note ''S7'', not C4.

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A bouncer is working on a Saturday night at a popular nightclub for household utensils...

... One of the regulars, a mirror, comes outside for a smoke and greets him.

As they make small talk, a toilet approaches flaunting a pristine gold plated lid. The bouncer immediately lets him in.

The mirror rolls his eyes as the toilet pushes through.

Next, a limo pulls up and ...

I hate guys who wear UFC attire, like Tap Out gear. They think they're telling the world, I'm tough, don't mess with me.

But what they're really telling the world is I only get to see my kid every other weekend. I don't think that's anyone's business.

I was so angry the doctor messed up my lobotomy.

I gave him a piece of my mind.

What's it called when your backpack messes up your spine?

schooliosis

For all my life my dad kept messing with the ledge above the fire place, lengthening it, shortening it, sanding it, painting it. But he died last week. After I got home from the funeral I compulsively got my tools out and raised it six inches higher ...

... I guess you could say I’ve taken up his mantel.

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Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of...

I heard that the Brexit may not make such a big mess after all

But Theresa May

Circus in a third world country suburb can be a mess

So the lion tamer was doing his thing when suddenly the lion flips and starts attacking

People freak out, chaos ensues.. the two-week hungry lion runs around the arena. People run for their lives.

A disabled guy gets up on a pole in order to save his life, thinking it might be a good p...

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A wife was in bed, naked with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

The husband lurched into the bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wi...

Big Burly Biker walks into a bar

He sees this tiny nerdy looking guy staring at his filled drink and decides he wants to mess with him. The Biker walks over takes the glass and slams the drink in one swig. At this the nerdy guy just starts bawling like a baby.


The Biker filled with remorse tells him to calm down an...

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Don't mess with seniors!

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come int...

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Messing with the Taxman...

THE TAX MAN CALLS.
The Taxman decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the Tax office.

The taxman was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his accountant.

The taxman said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying...

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Why should you never mess with a janitor cleaning a bathroom?

Cause when they plunge a toilet, shit goes down.

How do you mess with a blind person?

Leave the plunger in the toilet.

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I was told my joke belonged on this sub. (Original)

Two men are riding the subway in a big city, when one looks over to the other and says, "Say, how did you get those scratches all over your arms and face?"

The second man says, "Oh, these? I have an asshole cat who won't stop scratching me, but I'm about to rehome him to a friend. I'm actua...

If I got $100 for every time I messed up a great opportunity with a question...

I would be asking who is giving me the money.

This feline messed up my clothes

What a catastrophe!

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There was a mouse that used to stop by a neighborhood tavern every night…

Like clockwork, at 5:15 pm that screen door would kick open and if you looked closely you’d see that crazy little mouse. He’d sprint to his bar stool, spin around the pole on one arm and hop right up to the cushion with a big shit-eating grin. High fives with the bartender. “Gimme a beer, Sam!” “Sur...

Today I messed up my signature on a cheque.

It isn't a good sign.

How does a woman mess with a gynecologist?

She becomes a ventriloquist.

Don't mess with Women!!

A man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh prawns, ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them out of the window. After he had gobbled a few of them down an older woman opposite him said, "Would you mind not doing that? It's disgusting to watch.".
"Listen love." He repl...

My children messed up the furniture...

when i got home from work i said "Oh how the tables have turned..."

Seriously do not mess with a marathoner

They run the streets.

Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer."

Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

I don't mess with birds man...

They got friends in high places.

I used to hate it when people slightly messed up proverbs...

But I guess it's no use crying over spoiled milk.

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Why is hotel sex so much better than sex at home?

You can be loud if you want, make a mess, your spouse isn't there....

Why was the fan a hot mess?

Because it felt trapped and needed somewhere to vent.

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Why should you never mess with birds for Jamaica?

Because the chickens are all jerks.

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Sometimes me and my brothers used to mess with grandpa.

Once we asked him if he knew what a sex tape was.

He nodded thoughtfully. 'Sex tapes? Sure, we have those, but your grandmother prefers cuffs.'

Poodle: “My life is a mess. My owner is mean, my girlfriend is leaving me for a German shepherd, and I’m as nervous as a cat.” Collie: “Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?”

Poodle: “I can’t. I’m not allowed on the couch.”

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