A new Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine...

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your post ...

Person A: "Don't mess with me, I have a lawyer on retainer!"

Person B: "I'll do what I want. You and your cheap lawyer don't scare me. I'll just hire a more expensive lawyer, one that doesn't need any dental work!"

A friend of mine watched as I hunted for our dinner. He was disgusted by the mess of a dead animal.

Needless to say, I killed his appetite.

Why you shouldn't mess with an octopus?

It's fully armed

Earlier today, while I was leaving the supermarket, a guy came in crying and in a mess. He told me he lost his rent money in the supermarket and has no way to pay the rent now.

I felt so bad for him, so I gave him $100 from the $1500 I found

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Microsoft office just fixed tables so they don't mess your entire document up if you move it 1mm

jokes, it's still fucked

My wife hates it when I mess with her red wine.

I added some fruit and orange juice. Now she's sangria than ever.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why should you never mess with a janitor cleaning a bathroom?

Cause when they plunge a toilet, shit goes down.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why do guys with huge dicks always mess up a joke’s punchline?

To get to the other side!

How does a woman mess with a gynecologist?

She becomes a ventriloquist.

Today my spice rack fell to the ground, making a big mess.

I finished cleaning all the rosemary and sage so now I have a lot of thyme on my hands.

What did Thanos use to clean up the mess he made by disintegrating half of all life?

The vacuum of space.

I heard that the Brexit may not make such a big mess after all

But Theresa May

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His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his bestfriend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.

A dick has a hard life.

I advise you, don't mess with me, I know karate, kung fu, judo, tae kwon do, jujit su...

and other 28 dangerous words.

People think my room is a mess, but it's actually very organized

Everything is sorted by date of last use. If I used it recently, it's on top of something.

My beloved girlfriend always gets mad when I mess with her red wine!

This is why I added some Sprite and grapes to it and now she’s sangria then ever…...!

What do Introverts do when they mess up a joke?

Introvise .

Why was the fan a hot mess?

Because it felt trapped and needed somewhere to vent.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I remember when I first started using drugs. I was 18 years old. It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two. Before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed and for a stronger buzz, I moved on to ecstasy.

It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin.

I was a complete mess.

I was broke and my body was ruined.

But fuck me, what a night.

Why’s shouldn’t you mess with a paleontologist

Because you’ll get jurasskicked

I don't mess with birds man...

They got friends in high places.

Poodle: “My life is a mess. My owner is mean, my girlfriend is leaving me for a German shepherd, and I’m as nervous as a cat.” Collie: “Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?”

Poodle: “I can’t. I’m not allowed on the couch.”

The reason I check my hair and my general appearance so often, is because of this one bad day. I can't even say I remember it, but I am told my hair was a mess, I was covered with unspeakable fluids, had trouble breathing, couldn't even stand, and I cried in front of everyone.

I'm still trying to live down the day I was born.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why should you never mess with birds for Jamaica?

Because the chickens are all jerks.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Don't mess with seniors!

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come int...

Seriously do not mess with a marathoner

They run the streets.

How do you mess with a blind person?

Leave the plunger in the toilet.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One of my husband's duties as a novice drill instructor at Fort Jackson, S.C., was to escort new recruits to the mess hall.

After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them

"There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up!

Eat up!

Get up!"

Checking to see that he had everyone's attention, he asked, "What is the first rule?"

Much to the amusement...

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The best thing about protected sex is not having to worry about the mess afterwards.

Or as most people call them, "Children".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A married man arrives piss drunk to his home, he hardly makes it into his house after making a mess... in the morning he wakes up with a "breakfast for champions" in front of him, and he is like... what???...

A married man arrives piss drunk to his home, he hardly makes it into his house after making a mess... in the morning he wakes up with a "breakfast for champions" in front of him, and he is like... what???...

He looks down to his in-bed breakfast and sees waffles, scrambled eggs with bacon, a...

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Going on Reddit is a lot like having sex

You have fun for about 30 minutes then it all ends and you look back at the mess you just made.

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Sometimes me and my brothers used to mess with grandpa.

Once we asked him if he knew what a sex tape was.

He nodded thoughtfully. 'Sex tapes? Sure, we have those, but your grandmother prefers cuffs.'

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Never mess with a redneck

A filthy rich North Carolina man decided that he wanted to throw a party ...
... and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinkin...

Trump: Foreign Policy?, if you mess with the United States

There will be hell toupee.

Don't mess with Women!!

A man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh prawns, ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them out of the window. After he had gobbled a few of them down an older woman opposite him said, "Would you mind not doing that? It's disgusting to watch.".
"Listen love." He repl...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Never Mess with Kids

A man was seated next to a kid in an airplane.
The man turned to him and said, “Let’s talk”.

Kid: Ok, what do we talk about ?

Man (making fun of d kid): How about nuclear power?

Kid:
Very interesting topic. But let me ask you a question…
Horse, cow & deer, all eat g...

A penguin is driving his car

A penguin is driving his car when he notices that the check engine light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first auto shop. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk. He sees an ice-cream shop and decides t...

Why is it a bad idea to mess with ents?

They'll call the copse.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A group of sailors had jerked off behind my house and made a mess. It was disgusting so I called a bunch of guys to clean it. They asked me to show me the spot. I walked them to the back and said...

"See men, seamen semen."

I don't know if this belongs here, I mean it's not really a joke, but yeah...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A drunk guy is sitting at a bar by himself one night and throws up all over the front of his shirt

"Oh great, my wife is going to kill me," he mumbles to himself.

The guy sitting next to him sees what has happened and leans over towards him, "hey buddy, just put a twenty dollar bill in your shirt pocket and when you get home tell your wife the guy sitting next to you threw up on you and ...

My mom keeps asking me who made a mess at the dinner table

I spilled the beans

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You Should'nt mess with a gambler:P

Johnnie's father took him to class his first day of school. Johnnie's dad pulled the teacher aside and told her, Johnnie has a bad gambling problem so don't make a bet with him you can't win.

The teacher agreed. When the teacher was passing out the text books Johnny said, teach I'll make a be...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

3 operating systems walk into a bar

The first says "I'm Windows. The most popular, everyone likes me and I don't mess about. I'll have a pint of lager."

The second says "I'm Mac OS. I'm the favourite of artists and hipsters, and I could never settle for a boring lager like Windows. Give me your hoppiest artisanal IPA!"

T...

Don't Mess With Old Ladies

An eldery lady gets pulled over for speeding.

Older woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't ha...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, "My hands are freezing cold!" The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."

The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold!"

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."

He did and warmed his hands.

The following da...

Never mess with them Again

Mitsy and Milda were talking about their grandchildren after the holidays.

Mitsy said,

“My daughter-in-law stopped making my grandchildren send their thank you notes. Each year I sent the grandchildren a card with a generous check inside. I always received a lovely thank you note. Ho...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When grammar nazis correct me, I start to make errors on purpose to mess with them.

You can say I'm passive, aggressive.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The $10 dog

A guy is driving around the back woods and he sees a sign in front of a broken down, shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale'. He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why don't you mess with one-ply toilet paper?

It doesn't take shit from anyone

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents **took the first man** to a large metal door and handed him a gun. ‘We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair .. . . kill her!!'

The first man said, 'You c...

Energizer Bunny made a mess....

I put the batteries in backwards and it just kept cumming and cumming

I get so angry with all the spelling errors on Reddit

I feel like people are defiantly doing it on purpose just to mess with me

How to mess with people

To REALLY mess with people, try drinking Gatorade from a Windex bottle.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Penis lives a hard life

Penis lives a hard life

he is always being called a dick

he lives next to an asshole

His best friend is a pussy

his hair is a mess

and he is always getting beaten by his owner

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two Aliens

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling.
We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Aunt Carol

The teacher gave her fifth-grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Don't mess around with asexuals

They don't fuck around.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Don't mess with old people.

A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up four cans and took them to the check out counter.

The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat and the mana...

About 6 months ago I got a promotion

So naturally I wanted to celebrate. On my way home I grabbed a handle of captain and a litre of cola. I invited my friend Frank to have a few drinks with me. We ordered a pizza, played some Mariokart, got drunk and passed out. Nothing crazy.

The next morning Frank was still there (he usually ...

I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds.

I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, "Whoa! I'm way too high!"


-Bruce Baum

Judging by the mess in the living room.

Babies don't bounce.

A penguin is driving down the road

A penguin is driving through the desert and his car starts to sputter and loose power. He just barely makes it to a mechanic, the car stalling out as he coasted into the parking lot.

He walking in and asks if there is anything that can be done. The mechanic tells him that he’ll give it a look...

Two prawns, Steve and Christian are hanging out when they meet a magic Cod.

The Magic Cod grants them each a wish.

Christian wishes for a lovely big prawn house. Poof! He has a lovely big prawn house.

Steve wishes to become a shark so nobody would mess with him anymore. Poof! Steve's a shark.

Over the coming weeks the two grow apart, Steve's getting ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A boy gets a motorcycle for his 18th birthday

This boy just turned 18, and for his birthday his dad gave him his vintage Harley Davidson and a jar of vaseline. The dad told his son, "Always keep this vaseline on you, and if it ever starts to rain put it on the body of the bike to keep the coat shiny".

The boy is super excited and ride...

The marching contest

Three countries were having a marching contest. America, Spain and Russia. They had 3 weeks to prepare.


The Russian soldiers marching was perfect. They were all in time, with great rhythm.


The American soldiers were also close to immaculate.


But, the Spanish soldi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Mr Hetfield's dinner

So James Hetfield from Metallica walks into an Italian restaurant carrying Kermit the Frog, Miss Piggy, Fozzie Bear, Gonzo, Animal, and Rowlf the dog under his arms. He strolls straight past the waiter, into the kitchen, and starts hacking them all to pieces with a large carving knife. He throws th...

After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.

“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.

​

“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”

A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season.

He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove.

He decided he would set up a Christmas light display like he'd heard about others doing. It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventual...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So, there's this guy, laying in a hospital bed...

No legs, no arms, tube fed, ugly as hell, skin with red and black spots, bad breath, broken teeth and a ridiculous small dick.

Suddenly a gorgeous nurse passes by and he shouts:

HEY NURSE! I LIKE YOUR TITS, BLOW ME!!

A priest, near him said:

*My son, you shouldn't say tho...

3 Native Americans Americans are living in the wilderness together.

One of them is extremely smart, one is average, and one is extremely stupid. One day, it is the extremely smart one’s turn to catch and cook dinner. He goes out and comes back with a bear. The other two are astounded and ask, “How did you catch this bear?” The extremely smart one replies, “I see tra...

How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one, he'll mess it up and the guitarist will have to do it.

A penguins car broke down

So he went to the mechanic who said he needed about an hour to check it out. To kill Time the penguin went across the street to get some vanilla ice cream. Since penguins have no hands he made an awful mess getting the ice cream all over his beak. When he returned the mechanic said “it looks like yo...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I recently came into some money...

I recently came into some money that I don't really need. So I decided to host a charity event - except I couldn't decide who to help.

Finally, I decided on two groups - people who struggle to achieve orgasm and people who mess up punchlines.

You're all invited, so if you can't make i...

Handsome and rich and......

A man walks into a bar and everybody turns to look at him. He is the most handsome man any of them have ever seen. Even the men can't stop looking at him. On his shoulder is a little man not even a foot tall. He walks up to the bar and tells the bartender, I would like to buy a round for the house, ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Blonde sister

A brunette and blonde sisters r sitting home, the brunette is frantically getting ready n seeming a lil dishelved.

Blonde: "your gona have a great time tonight"

Brunette "Wait up for me?"

Blonde:"Of course"

*Brunette walks in, a mess, at 3am*

Blonde: "soooooo, tel...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One fine day, the three billy goats...

One fine day, the three billy goats gruff went out for a walk. They took their usual path over the sweet grassy hills towards the river where they would cross the stone bridge and climb the mountain.

When they reached the bridge they were surprised to see the Troll waiting for them, stand...

The Poor Snake Named Nate

So... Nate the Snake was the king of the jungle, by virtue of his
immense size. Nate was the size of a freight train, and had a similar outlook on life. He ruled largely through terror and intimidation.


One day Nate the Snake was rumbling through the jungle, as was his own. Whenev...

“Jesus is Watching”

A famous burglar breaks into a house that he knows has a lot of money hidden in a safe. He also knows that the owner, an old man, is away for the weekend. Once he’s inside, he searches all the rooms on the lower floor. He finds nothing. As he walks upstairs to continue to search for the old man’s sa...

What is marriage really like?

A man brings his best buddy home for dinner... unannounced at 7:30 after work.

His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in.

Wife: My hair and makeup aren’t done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I am still in my pyjamas and and I can’t be bothe...