The 99+ Best Rock Jokes

Why is Chris Rock like a used anvil?

They both got hammered by a blacksmith.

What rock group has four men that can't sing?

Mount Rushmore.

you're dumb as a rock, you know the difference between you and a brick?

A brick gets laid

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's
on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit...or a
thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit...or maybe one like that cute widdle
bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

what is the female version of rock out with your cock out?

Jam out with your clam out.

Why did the Chicken want to join a rock band???

He was the only one with a set of drum sticks...

I thought life couldn’t get any worse after I hit rock bottom

Until rock bottom’s dad turned up and started hitting me back…

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little girl and her mommy go to the beach…

She looks behind a rock where two dogs are fucking and says ”What are they doing Mommy?”
Mommy says “they’re.. um.. they’re making cupcakes!” “Oh!”, the little girl cried.

Later they go to the zoo and see monkeys fucking. “What are they doing Mommy?” Mom says “They’re making cupcakes, Swe...

What did the Igneous rock say to the Magma.

I'm you but cooler.

Once, there were three friends named Ralph Rock, Pete Paper, and Steve Scissors.

All three of them were very interested in politics. In fact, they made a pact that someday, one of them would by the president of the United States.

Ralph Rock worked very hard to build relationships with the community and gain the trust of the people. Pete Paper used the press to attack his ...

A man finds himself in a jungle surrounded by cannibals…

Seeing no possible way to escape, he says to himself, “Oh God, I’m screwed!”

Suddenly a light shines down from the heavens upon the man and he hears the voice of God, and God says, “No my son. You’re not screwed. You see the rock on the ground next to you? The pointy one? Take it and throw i...

Looks like NFT prices have hit rock bottom.

Get your monkey for nothin' and your chimps for free.

I want my, I want my, I want my NFT.

Good thing Chris rock didn’t make fun of hilaria baldwin.

Too soon?

Rock, paper and scissors have entered a race.

Rock has begun to roll, but paper and scissors remain stationery.

What does Chris Rock have on his face right now?

Fresh prints!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The womanizer, the drunk, and the pot head

There was a womanizer, a drunk and a pot head that got into a car accident and died. When they arrived in hell the devil told them "welcome to hell, as a punishment you will have to spend 1000 years in your own personal rooms with punishments specific to your sins and if you learn your lesson you ge...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A horse is sitting in his stable one day when he hears music coming from the farmhouse. He waits patiently for the farmer to go out before making his way across to the farmhouse to see what's going on. As he peers through the window he can see MTV is on the television.

Horse goes into the house and sees a rock band on the screen. He is instantly taken by the guitar and decides there and then he wants to play. He uses the telephone and calls the local music shop. He explains that he has seen the band on TV, that he is a horse and that he wants to play guitar, The m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock Cit...

My daughter told me that she now believes in the power of rocks

I thought that she became spiritual,
Turns out she just started smoking Crack

What's the difference between a rock guitarist and a jazz guitarist?

A rock guitarist plays four chords in front of thousands of people.

What do you call a black guy who studies rocks?

a geologist, you racist!

I like my temperature like I like my Rock and Roll.

67 to 73.

What do you get when you cross a rock'n'roller with a triangle of cheese spread?

DairyLea Lewis

George Bush goes to hell. Classic. First posted on Reddit 13 years ago.

One day in the future, George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'...

I want to be a rock climber, but I’m taking mattress making classes just to be safe.

It’s…something to fall back on.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The billionaire and the mermaid whisperer

A billionaire is sailing his yacht past a lighthouse, and he sees the elderly lighthouse keeper out on the rocks at the base of the lighthouse, getting a blowjob from a mermaid - the top half was a stunning, curvy redhead, and the bottom half was a tiger shark. As he watches, the pair finish the act...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Joke #3481 A man receives the bad news that he's going to die in the morning

Through an unfortunate miracle of medical science, a man receives the worst news possible from his doctor.

"I'm sorry, but tomorrow morning at precisely 7:23, you're going to have a brain clot that will kill you."

The man is stunned. "But I don't even feel sick!"

The doctor exp...

I once saw Medusa on a cam girl site

I was rock hard the entire time

A horse in a barn was listening to some rock and roll on the radio...

And he was inspired. The guitarist was masterful, and the horse knew, then and there, that he needed to play guitar. More than anything he'd ever needed before.

So he calls up his buddy, who is a guitar teacher, and asks his buddy to help him learn guitar. The horse takes to it quickly and p...

Jesus, Chuck Norris and the Pope are sitting in a boat in the middle of a lake.

They decide to get to the shore, so Jesus leaves the boat first and walks over the water to the shore.

Chuck Norris leaves second and also walks over the water to the shore.

The Pope, being baffled, also tries to take a step out of the boat but immediately falls in, so he has to swim t...

Can I get an F in chat for my pet rock?

Had to have Sylvester put down today for killing two birds.

Chris Rock was so lucky..

That all the other dudes banging Jada didn’t rush the stage

This joke might be too old for you guys, but anyway: "You hear that Rock Hudson didn't have too many friends..

..but he had Nabors up the ass!"

I was working in a record store when a gentleman asked me if we had anything from the most popular prog-rock band from Canada.

I said I'd be with him in a moment. He said "OK. No rush.".

I replied "Sorry. I can't help you then."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A therapist gets a call from their patient saying they are going to kill themself…

Therapist: Why do you want to kill yourself?

Patient: Because you don’t take me seriously, and you’re always needlessly pedantic!

Therapist: How would you do it?

Patient: I’m going to jump.

Therapist: Now?

Patient: Yes now! I’m looking at a hundred foot drop…...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A horse...

... sees a rock band perform and thinks "Hey, I could do that." The horse calls up his local music store and is like "I wanna learn guitar, just one problem, I'm a horse." The employee says "don't worry we can do that." The horse goes, learns guitar for a few months, gets really good, and is pretty ...

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest said,

”You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now".

The young priest nodded and the old priest continued, "And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people ...

Me and my friends from the obsessive compulsive support group are starting a rock cover band.

We’re calling ourselves OC/DC.

I went rock climbing the other day

It was a nice view atop Dwayne Johnson

Went to a rock festival and got arrested for selling pot to The Police.

It was a Sting operation.

At the beach house, we had a major problem with sea birds. I started throwing rocks at them.

I left no Tern unstoned.

Chris Rock deserves an Oscar

for acting.... like an adult.

I can't stand rock climbing...

It's not the climbing I dislike, it's the people encouraging me. They drive me up the wall.

What did the police find after dusting Chris Rocks face after the show?

Fresh Prince

What's the difference between Chris Rock and Will Smith?

Chris Rock can take a hit

What do you get when a dinosaur is a fan of punk rock?

A Punkasaurus Rex the establishment

Dwayne Johnson wants to move to a peninsula south of Spain.

He wants to be the Rock of Gibraltar.

I hate arguing with deaf people

I already said you can't convince me by beating me at rock paper scissors!

Why are rocks from space more delicious than rocks from Earth?

Because they're meatier.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There were 3 men.

There were 3 men who grew up together in a small town Jim, George, and Jerry. They were known for the quirks, Jim being a fire bug, George being a nature lover, and Jerry being a deep sea diver. One day Jerry happens upon a bottle with a note on it along the coast. He rushed to show his friends hi...

I applied to the local rock quarry...

Apparently getting stoned is not acceptable prior work experience.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nun was chatting with Mother Superior.

"I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."

"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder nun.

"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line t...

Fight

There were some backwoods hillbillies living across the river from each other, who feuded constantly.

John hated Clarence with a passion and never passed up a chance to throw rocks across the river at Clarence.

This went on for years until one day the Corps of Engineers came to build...

What’s a cookie’s favorite rock band?

OREO Speedwagon

Now that Will Smith has apologised for slapping Chris Rock, his conscience is clean.

His wife on the other hand, is Mr Clean.

Why did Will Smith slap Chris instead of punching him?

Everybody knows paper beats rock

I am 110% sure that I am FAR from the first person to think of this joke, but I promise I came by it independently. What did Chris Rock have on his face when he left the Oscars?

Will Smith’s Fresh Prints.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A city guy decides to pursue his dream to be a lumberjack

So he moves to a remote logging town in the northern woods. It's just 40 men in this little community, hundreds of miles from the nearest town of any size, and he wonders how they manage their "loneliness," if you know what I mean.

One evening in the spring, after the day's work has ended, a ...

A twofer

A priest and a lawyer are on a ferry boat along with a bunch of kids who are on a field trip. The ferry boat hits a rock and starts to sink. The priest and the lawyer lower a lifeboat. The lawyer jumps in, and yells, "Get in! Hurry up!"

The priest says, "What about the kids?"

The lawye...

I always wanted to visit Ireland one day

So I took a vacation there. I did all the stereotypical tourist things like drank in the pubs, saw the beautiful natural wonders, watched a game of football, visited the Blarney Stone, and so on.

Before I left, I figured I would buy a nice souvenir. And what better to take home from the Eme...

I had a job interview today.

They asked how well I performed under pressure.

"Not bad", I told them, "but I'm much better at 'We Will Rock You'!"

I love how all these young YouTubers are getting into Classic Rock.

They are always telling everyone “Don’t forget to like Cher, and subscribe.”

Why did the budget division tell the paper in rock, paper, scissors they were getting rid of it?

“Because budget cuts, paper”

Rock, paper and scissors were fired as recruitment officers

They only gave hand jobs

To a geologist, what's the difference between rocks and a kid?

If you date a kid, you get sent to jail

Why couldn’t the police catch Jack the Ripper?

Because they were a rock band and not detectives.

When I met the Rock, he seemed quite shy.

I expected him to be a little bolder.

On our hike yesterday, my partner wouldn't let me take home any volcanic rocks

And to be honest, I'm still a little basalty over it.

How do you resuscitate someone at a rock concert?

You perform CCR!

White girl : So this crystal cures my depression and helps me lose weight?

Me holding a rock of meth : YES!!!

A horse, a sheep, and a chicken lived together on a farm.

The horse had long dreamed of learning to play the guitar.

So the horse rings a music shop and he says, “Hey, I’d love to learn to play guitar. Is there anyone who can teach me”?

The music shop manager says “That’s not an issue, let’s get you started on some music lessons.” ...

Why did Will Smith slap Chris Rock?

His Wife's Boyfriend didnt think the joke was funny

Why does a moon rock taste better than an earth rock?

Because it’s a little meteor

Geology rocks but geography is where it's at...

What did the tectonic plates say when they bumped into each other?

My fault, sorry!

I never imagined Chris Rock getting slapped on national television…

But I guess if there’s a Will, there’s a way.

So... two guys are walking through the desert and they find this deep hole.

The first guy says "That looks like a deep hole."
The second guy says "That looks like a REALLY deep hole. Let's check it out." He picks up a small rock and throws it in. The rock goes Bang bang ^bang .... They agree. It is deep. They pick up a rock the size of a bowling ball and throw it...

Rock really shouldn't have made that joke about Jada's affair............

I mean hair, hair, I said hair.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What Chris Rock should have said....

Well, now I know why you didn't win for Ali. You tennis dad bitch.

Why did Dwayne ‘the rock’ Johnson’s family get tested for COVID-19

They couldn’t smell what the rock was cooking.

Southern France is Nice

But Gibraltar totally rocks!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Grandma and Grandpa

Grandma and Grandpa are sitting on the veranda of the old folks, home rocking back and forth in their rocking chairs.

Grandpa rocks forward in his chair and says to Grandma, "Fuck you!"

Grandma rocks forward in her chair and says to Grandpa, "Fuck you too!"

Grandpa becomes very ...

Humans aren't the only ones who struggle with marriage.

Married Seals always struggle. Their marriages are always on the rocks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three vampires walk into a bar... The 1st one, quite thirsty promptly says to the bartender "I'll have a glass of blood, type AB-, on the rocks", quickly followed by the 2nd making his request for "A Bloody Mary, type B+"

and lastly the 3rd one, after a little consideration, asks for "A glass of hot water please".

The first 2 vampires immediately give a look of contempt to the 3rd one, one of them exclaiming "A glass of hot water? What kind of pansy order is that?". To which the 3rd vampire, while taking a use...

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch...

"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'...

Girls are like rocks,

the flat ones get skipped

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When the Rock has an orgasm...

would it be considered a landslide or a geyser?

A priest, a minister and a rabbi go fishing

After rowing thier small boat to thier favorite spot, the priest says to the rabbi;

"This a great spot. Lots of nice fish"

After about an hour, the priest stands up announces he needs to answer the call of nature, steps out of the boat and walks across the water to shore, disappears f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Hey, what are you gonna do with those crazy crystal rocks??"

Nothing... why don't you mine your own bismuth

An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life...

...when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

''Well, now,'' says the old lady, ''I guess I would like to be really rich.''

*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

''And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a...

The two medical examiners

A seasoned medical examiner brings his new trainee to their very first crime scene. The grizzled veteran tells the rookie that “this is a messy one – are you sure you can handle it?”

The rookie says “of course – I’ve got this.”

So they go in and it is a mess. All sorts of human bits an...

Apparently some pet rocks are braver than others...

I understand they're a little boulder.

A man was having a few in the local bar

when he noticed a sailor sitting at the other end of the bar. The sailor had a completely normal physique except for one anomaly: his head was tiny, about the size of an orange.

The man stared at the sailor in puzzlement, and after a few more drinks screwed up his courage to go over and ask t...

[OC] i just realized Dwayne Johnson was living above my appartment.

i was living under The Rock for a very long time.

What do you call The Rock's Irish Doppleganger???

A ShamRock

Aside from King Crimson, did any other seminal progressive rock bands form in London in 1968?

Yes

Jesus heard that...

there was going to be a stoning at the edge of town, so he headed that way.

"Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."

The crowd goes silent.

Suddenly, a rock comes flying from the back of the crowd and BOOM, knocks out the offender.

Jesus waves his arm to part ...

Why did Will use an open hand?

Because paper always beats Rock.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two fishermen, George and Ted, were leaving the docks one morning when they saw a gorgeous naked woman sitting on a rock. The woman was singing in a lovely soprano voice and doing nothing to cover her perfect breasts.

Figuring the woman was a mermaid, they rowed their boat over to her.

"You have such a gorgeous voice," said George. "Are you a mermaid?"

"Yes," replied the mermaid. "Whenever a mermaid sees a human she likes, she usually grants him three wishes. But since there are three of us, I think...

The Peanuts Gang had a crossover with the WWE

Linus: "I'm up against John Cena."

Lucy: "I'm gonna slug the Undertaker."

Schroeder: "I'm fighting Roman Reigns."

Charlie Brown: "I got the Rock."

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.