UPJOKE
stoneswayshakeboulderrock musicmetamorphic rockpunkigneous rockrockabillytufapetrifactionlimestonefieldstonepebblewhinstone

Looks like NFT prices have hit rock bottom.

Get your monkey for nothin' and your chimps for free.



I want my, I want my, I want my NFT.

Rock, Paper, Scissors!

The police just pulled me over and said, "Papers?", I said, "Scissors, I win!" and drove off. I think he wants a rematch-he's been chasing me for 45 minutes.

How does The Rock pee?

He Dwaynes his Johnson.

Good thing Chris rock didn’t make fun of hilaria baldwin.

Too soon?

What rock group has four men that don't sing?

Mount Rushmore.

There are no rock stars.

They are all made of gas.

What does Chris Rock have on his face right now?

Fresh prints!

Chris Rock was so lucky..

That all the other dudes banging Jada didn’t rush the stage

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

what is the female version of rock out with your cock out?

Jam out with your clam out.

A man was riding the train across the country when suddenly everything started rocking violently.

People were being thrown out of their seats and luggage was flying everywhere. Then, as suddenly as it started, everything is back to the calm, smooth ride he was used to. Everyone sorted themselves out and found seats again.

When they reach the next stop, the man went forward to the engine c...

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What's 10 inches long, hard as a rock, full of semen and makes all of the ladies scream?

The sock under my bed.

What's the difference between a rock guitarist and a jazz guitarist?

A rock guitarist plays 4 notes in front of 1000 people, while a jazz guitarist plays 1000 notes in front of 4 people.

A failed rapper, a failed rock star, and a mediocre country singer walk into a bar

He tells the bartender "anything but Budweiser."

I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length.

Must be some kind of milestone.

Why do small space rocks taste better than small Earth rocks?

They are a little meteor.

An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life...

...when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

''Well, now,'' says the old lady, ''I guess I would like to be really rich.''

*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

''And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a...

The salt packet says it was created from a 250 million year old Himalayan rock salt bed

The label says the expiry date is June 2018.

I'm so glad they dug it up just in time

Why did Dwayne ‘the rock’ Johnson’s family get tested for COVID-19

They couldn’t smell what the rock was cooking.

teach pet rock new tricks

I decided to teach my pet rock how to roll a joint

Turns out he's been stoned the whole time!

Geology rocks

But geography is where it’s at!

What's a rock's favorite fruit?

Pome-granite

Why did the big rock ride the roller coaster but the small rock didn't?

The big rock was Boulder.

What is South Korea’s most popular rock band?

Lee Kim Park

Rock, paper and scissors have entered a race.

Rock has begun to roll, but paper and scissors remain stationery.

Chris Rock deserves an Oscar

for acting.... like an adult.

I saw a sign that said "Falling rocks"

I tried. It doesn't.

If you ask me what my favorite rock band is and I'm being subjective, I'd say The Who.

If I was being objective, I'd say it was The Whom.

Why are the compounds in garlic like a Seattle rock band?

They're both Allicin chains.

The Horse Was a Rock & Roller

One day, on old Farmer Brown's farm, Farmer Brown left his radio on near his horse, Buckaroo. Buckaroo was a smart horse, and when a particular, guitar-driven Rock song came on, he was inspired. The guitarist was masterful, weaving arpeggios into melodies with feedback and harmonics. Buckaroo was st...

Woman asks an old man rocking on his porch...

“What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day. I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'

"Twenty-six."

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Holiday rocks

Holidays in Amsterdam: have sex and get stoned.

Holidays in Saudi Arabia: have sex and get stoned.

On Kid Rock being seen recently drinking Bud Light despite his rant against their supporting trans people...

Sometimes you drink what you can afford.

There are three words to make a man hit rock bottom.

“Is it in?”

Chuck Norris smells what the Rock is cooking...

...and asks for seconds.

What's a drink The Rock is mortally afraid of?

Dr. Paper

Some people had a pet rock when they were younger...

All I got was kidney stones!

Jesus, Chuck Norris and the Pope are sitting in a boat in the middle of a lake.

They decide to get to the shore, so Jesus leaves the boat first and walks over the water to the shore.

Chuck Norris leaves second and also walks over the water to the shore.

The Pope, being baffled, also tries to take a step out of the boat but immediately falls in, so he has to swim t...

Why is Chris Rock like a used anvil?

They both got hammered by a blacksmith.

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A man is lost in the woods and it is getting dark.

As he walks through the woods he comes across a small cabin. He goes up to the cabin and knocks on the door. An old Chinese man opens it. 

“I’m lost in the woods and I need somewhere to stay for the night,” the man said. “Can I please stay here?” 

“Sure,” said the Chinese man. “But as ...

What's the difference between Chris Rock and Will Smith?

Chris Rock can take a hit

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Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you ...

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A snake, a rock, and Steven Hawking walk into a bar...

The bartender says "how the fuck did yalls do that?"

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I was riding a donkey the other day when someone threw a rock at me and I fell off.

I guess I was stoned off my ass.

As I walked through a quarry…I said to the foreman, “That sure is a big rock”

He looked at it and said “Boulder”.

So I said, “THAT SURE IS A BIG ROCK!”

Why does a space rock make the best rock soup?

# Because its a little meteor.

A couples happy married life almost went on the rocks because...

... of the presence in the household of old Aunt Emma. For seventeen long years she lived with them, always crotchety, always demanding. Finally, the old girl passed away. On the way back from the cemetery, the husband confessed to his wife "Darling, if I didn't love you so much, I don't think I wou...

Two old guys are at a bar drinking a scotch on the rocks

First Guy: looking at his ice cubes, " these ice cubes have holes in them, when did they invent this stuff?"

Second guy: "Must be a long time ago, I have been married to one for forty years."

Chris Rock's new comedy special just came out on Netflix

it slaps

There were three guys in an airplane. One guy dropped a rock, another dropped a brick, and the last dropped a grenade.

When they got back on the ground they were walking down the street and they saw a woman crying. Being the gentlemen they are they went up to ask her why she was crying she said: "A rock fell from the sky, landed on my cat and now my cat is dead." The men said they were very sorry to hear that and wa...

Don't date rocks

They'll take you for granite

It’s important not to confuse metamorphic with igneous rock

After all, you can’t just take this schist for granite.

Girls are like rocks,

the flat ones get skipped

All my life, I've always wanted to spank a rock

Then I hit rock bottom...

Why did the Chicken want to join a rock band???

He was the only one with a set of drum sticks...

What's a world famous, four-man rock group that doesn't sing or play instruments?

Mount Rushmore.

When I met the Rock, he seemed quite shy.

I expected him to be a little bolder.

My rock collection isn't worth much...

But it has sedimental value

What’s a cookie’s favorite rock band?

OREO Speedwagon

I always wondered why rock didn't beat paper in rock paper scissors

Turns out rock just couldn't cut it

What do you call a black guy who studies rocks?

a geologist, you racist!

I can't stand rock climbing...

It's not the climbing I dislike, it's the people encouraging me. They drive me up the wall.

I applied to the local rock quarry...

Apparently getting stoned is not acceptable prior work experience.

So... two guys are walking through the desert and they find this deep hole.

The first guy says "That looks like a deep hole."
The second guy says "That looks like a REALLY deep hole. Let's check it out." He picks up a small rock and throws it in. The rock goes Bang bang ^bang .... They agree. It is deep. They pick up a rock the size of a bowling ball and throw it...

A guy sits down on a bench next to a Thai kid wearing soccer cleats.

"So, who are you rooting for in the World Cup Final?" the man asks, noticing the soccer gear.

"I don't know, who's playing?" the boy answers.

"Jesus Christ, have you been under a rock or something?"

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What Chris Rock should have said....

Well, now I know why you didn't win for Ali. You tennis dad bitch.

Rock of wisdom...

Man who walks in front of car gets tired. Man who walks behind car gets exhausted.

Can I get an F in chat for my pet rock?

Had to have Sylvester put down today for killing two birds.

Why did Will Smith slap Chris Rock?

His Wife's Boyfriend didnt think the joke was funny

Osama bin Laden dies.

He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you.

You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do: I've got a couple of folks here who weren't qui...

I tried rocking my newborn daughter to sleep.

Apparently she isn't a big Zeppelin fan.

Once, there were three friends named Ralph Rock, Pete Paper, and Steve Scissors.

All three of them were very interested in politics. In fact, they made a pact that someday, one of them would by the president of the United States.

Ralph Rock worked very hard to build relationships with the community and gain the trust of the people. Pete Paper used the press to attack his ...

Classic Rock and Roll Trivia

I learned today that 3 of the guys who performed on "Rosanna" and "Africa" also played on "Dust in the Wind". Music journalist asked them why they joined the new band and they said

"Toto? We aren't in Kansas anymore".

Went to a rock concert awhile ago…

Pre-COVID of course, and it was absolutely jam-packed, people standing shoulder to shoulder, just enjoying the music. My friend standing next to me turned his head slightly
and said : totally awesome concert but I’m needing to go toilet and it’s so busy what am I gonna do?

I replied: pee ...

Sometimes I hide my girlfriend's inhaler

So the neighbors think I'm a stud when they hear her panting, "Give it to me!"

The Rock is divorcing his wife..

Because she takes him for granite.

What do rocks use for personal hygiene?

Geoderant!

I like my temperature like I like my Rock and Roll.

67 to 73.

I thought life couldn’t get any worse after I hit rock bottom

Until rock bottom’s dad turned up and started hitting me back…

What kind of rock isn't really a rock?

A shamrock.

Rock climbers are doing hard work.

Don't they Everest?

Rock climbing

You’re either on belay,

Or you Be Laying on the ground

(Thought of this while rock climbing today)

At least people that have hit rock bottom are disciplining their pet rocks

This joke brought to you by my ten year old son

Chris Rock, The Rock, and Kid Rock walk into a marijuana dispensary

*something about being stoned*

I tried.

Apparently some pet rocks are braver than others...

I understand they're a little boulder.

What's dumber than a box of rocks?

...the hippie trying to sell them



and that my friends, as a geologist, is my favorite rock joke.

A man finds himself in a jungle surrounded by cannibals…

Seeing no possible way to escape, he says to himself, “Oh God, I’m screwed!”

Suddenly a light shines down from the heavens upon the man and he hears the voice of God, and God says, “No my son. You’re not screwed. You see the rock on the ground next to you? The pointy one? Take it and throw i...

Rock, paper and scissors were fired as recruitment officers

They only gave hand jobs

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So three old men met on a Sunday morning...

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."

"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran,...

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The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock Cit...

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George Bush dies and goes to hell

Satan is already waiting for him.
'Well, I don't know what to do. See, you're on my list, but I have no free rooms for you. But you, you definitely have to stay in hell, so I'll have to find a solution. There are a few people here who aren't as bad as you are... I guess I'll let one go and you'll...

I really like rock puns.

They're something we shouldn't take for granite. I mean, they are pretty solid.

Let's just face it, geology rocks!


PS: I just hit rock bottom, didn't I?

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