UPJOKE
stoneswayshakeboulderrock musicmetamorphic rockpunkigneous rockrockabillylimestonepebblewhinstonebedrockxenolithnutate

Looks like NFT prices have hit rock bottom.

Get your monkey for nothin' and your chimps for free.



I want my, I want my, I want my NFT.

What does Chris Rock have on his face right now?

Fresh prints!

What's the difference between a rock guitarist and a jazz guitarist?

A rock guitarist plays 4 notes in front of 1000 people, while a jazz guitarist plays 1000 notes in front of 4 people.

Good thing Chris rock didn’t make fun of hilaria baldwin.

Too soon?

Chris Rock was so lucky..

That all the other dudes banging Jada didn’t rush the stage

Chris Rock deserves an Oscar

for acting.... like an adult.

I am 110% sure that I am FAR from the first person to think of this joke, but I promise I came by it independently. What did Chris Rock have on his face when he left the Oscars?

Will Smith’s Fresh Prints.

I love how all these young YouTubers are getting into Classic Rock.

They are always telling everyone “Don’t forget to like Cher, and subscribe.”

A horse in a barn was listening to some rock and roll on the radio...

And he was inspired. The guitarist was masterful, and the horse knew, then and there, that he needed to play guitar. More than anything he'd ever needed before.

So he calls up his buddy, who is a guitar teacher, and asks his buddy to help him learn guitar. The horse takes to it quickly and p...

What's the difference between Chris Rock and Will Smith?

Chris Rock can take a hit

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"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old.

"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Ac...

Why does a moon rock taste better than an earth rock?

Because it’s a little meteor

What is Count Rugen's favorite rock band?

Finger Eleven

What’s a cookie’s favorite rock band?

OREO Speedwagon

On our hike yesterday, my partner wouldn't let me take home any volcanic rocks

And to be honest, I'm still a little basalty over it.

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"Hey, what are you gonna do with those crazy crystal rocks??"

Nothing... why don't you mine your own bismuth

What did Neanderthals call Rock, Paper, Scissors?

Rock.

Why did Will Smith slap Chris Rock?

His Wife's Boyfriend didnt think the joke was funny

I never imagined Chris Rock getting slapped on national television…

But I guess if there’s a Will, there’s a way.

Why did Will use an open hand?

Because paper always beats Rock.

To a geologist, what's the difference between rocks and a kid?

If you date a kid, you get sent to jail

Rock really shouldn't have made that joke about Jada's affair............

I mean hair, hair, I said hair.

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What Chris Rock should have said....

Well, now I know why you didn't win for Ali. You tennis dad bitch.

When I met the Rock, he seemed quite shy.

I expected him to be a little bolder.

What rock group has 4 men who don't sing?

Mount Rushmore

Why was the prog-rock song 20 minutes long?

It was only part I.

People keep saying Will Smith hit rock bottom at the Oscars

But I'm pretty sure he slapped him in the face.

Why was Chris Rock surprised when Will Smith slapped him?

He thought one of Jada’s other boyfriends would have done it.

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When the Rock has an orgasm...

would it be considered a landslide or a geyser?

Sin

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!...

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Three vampires walk into a bar... The 1st one, quite thirsty promptly says to the bartender "I'll have a glass of blood, type AB-, on the rocks", quickly followed by the 2nd making his request for "A Bloody Mary, type B+"

and lastly the 3rd one, after a little consideration, asks for "A glass of hot water please".

The first 2 vampires immediately give a look of contempt to the 3rd one, one of them exclaiming "A glass of hot water? What kind of pansy order is that?". To which the 3rd vampire, while taking a use...

Don't date rocks

They'll take you for granite

Rock climbers are doing hard work.

Don't they Everest?

Geology rocks but geography is where it's at...

What did the tectonic plates say when they bumped into each other?


My fault, sorry!

What do you call The Rock's Irish Doppleganger???

A ShamRock

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What happens when you slap Dwayne The Rock Johnson's butt?

You hit rock bottom

Why does a space rock make the best rock soup?

# Because its a little meteor.

Apparently some pet rocks are braver than others...

I understand they're a little boulder.

I was cornered by Dwayne Johnson in front of a Hallmark store.

I was caught between The Rock and a card place.

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch...

"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'...

I got in one little fight and my mom got scared.

She said, "You can't slap Chris Rock because your wifes got no hair"

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Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, each telling tall tales.

The first one says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. The other day a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands."

The second cowboy says. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a f...

Girls are like rocks,

the flat ones get skipped

Aside from King Crimson, did any other seminal progressive rock bands form in London in 1968?

Yes

Here's one I came up with tonight: What kind of rocks are best at making "get well soon" cards?

Sentimentary rocks.

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This is long, but I think it's worth it.

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house.
He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If y...

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The Little Girl & The Construction Workers

Here's a heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little girl and some construction workers. This will make you believe that we CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of your time...


A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day, a construct...

Doctor: You have a disease, but we can treat it.

Patient: What’s the Cure?

Doctor: It’s an 80s rock band fronted by Robert Smith, but let’s try to stay focused...

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To the jerk that threw the rock through my window:

You must *really* hate Dwayne Johnson.

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Legendary Welsh singer Tom Jones visits Legendary Liverpudlian Cilla Black,with an offer of amazing sexy sex.

He says, "I'll make love to you three times, and each time will be better than the last. It'll be the best sex you've ever ever had. I'll need a sleep in between bouts, but apart from that it'll be sex sex sexy sex."

Cilla Black agrees, and Tom Jones, true to his word, gives her the most amaz...

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Two fishermen, George and Ted, were leaving the docks one morning when they saw a gorgeous naked woman sitting on a rock. The woman was singing in a lovely soprano voice and doing nothing to cover her perfect breasts.

Figuring the woman was a mermaid, they rowed their boat over to her.

"You have such a gorgeous voice," said George. "Are you a mermaid?"

"Yes," replied the mermaid. "Whenever a mermaid sees a human she likes, she usually grants him three wishes. But since there are three of us, I think...

What do you get when an industrial rock band invents a gaming console?

A NINtendo

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Have you ever had sex on a boat?

It rocks.

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Wrong hole ! Turn her over !”

An older man who had finally grown tired of being a virgin wanted to finally lose his virginity. So he called up his buddy who was very good with the ladies and asked him if he would help him organize a night for him and a hooker.

“No problem, I’ve got a perfect plan”, says his buddy. “We’ll...

Classic Rock and Roll Trivia

I learned today that 3 of the guys who performed on "Rosanna" and "Africa" also played on "Dust in the Wind". Music journalist asked them why they joined the new band and they said

"Toto? We aren't in Kansas anymore".

Why did Dwayne ‘the rock’ Johnson’s family get tested for COVID-19

They couldn’t smell what the rock was cooking.

What's dumber than a box of rocks?

...the hippie trying to sell them



and that my friends, as a geologist, is my favorite rock joke.

Andre 3000 went camping...

...as he finishes setting up his tent, a park ranger rolls up to warn him about bear activity nearby. Specifically, an unusually intelligent and persistent bear that has a taste for 90's musicians. Andre thanks the ranger for his concern, and assures him that he'll take all the necessary precautions...

What did The Rock say when the waiter offered him a box for his leftovers?

I’m not much of a boxer, but I’ll wrestle you for it.

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An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years.

He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner.

“Check this out!" he happily exclaimed. "What do you think we should do with it?"

With one eye open, his wife replied, “Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, it would be a good time to wa...

Rock, Paper, Scissors!

The police just pulled me over and said, "Papers?", I said, "Scissors, I win!" and drove off. I think he wants a rematch-he's been chasing me for 45 minutes.

Went to a rock concert awhile ago…

Pre-COVID of course, and it was absolutely jam-packed, people standing shoulder to shoulder, just enjoying the music. My friend standing next to me turned his head slightly
and said : totally awesome concert but I’m needing to go toilet and it’s so busy what am I gonna do?

I replied: pee ...

What is big, red and eats rocks

A big red rock eater

Did you hear about the rock that faced his greatest fear?

He is now a little boulder.

A guy walks in to a bar and there's a terrorist behind the bar...

He orders a scotch on the rocks and the bartender picks up one cube and says " you like ice?"
The guy says " yea, but more than one"
So the bartender picks up a handful of ice in his other hand and says " oh.... so you like ... ices?"

If Will Smith doesn’t win for Best Actor

He really will have hit rock bottom.

God and the devil chat about music

The god and the devil were chating, as they usually do when the concept of music came up.
With a bit of intrigue God asked the devil how he'd managed to get into every genre of music, from rock & rap to hip hop & metal ect .
The devil chuckled no no no , music is too special, too human...

I bought a diamond ring on St. Patricks day but found out it was a fake

They gave me a sham rock

A young man was sitting outside a pub...

....having a drink and generally feeling good about life when out of absolutely nowhere he was struck across the face by a newspaper wielded by a furious nun. She began sounding off to him about the evils of drink.

"How dare you, you scoundrel! Have you no shame?! Drinking is a sin! Alcohol i...

A music critic told me I wouldn’t know music if it hit me in the face.

I knew a friend that had that experience

He’s in the hospital because he was listening to hard rock

My favorite Easter Joke

St Peter meets three new potential Heaven Members and says, “Ok, tonight we’re going to have a quiz. Just a simple question: What is Easter?”

The first guy says, “oh, that’s easy. It’s when the family gets together and have turkey and mashed potatoes and…”

“No, no. That’s Thanksgiving!...

A few years ago I started a journal of different rocks I've found in the wilderness. For a while I was stuck with 68 entries, until I finally found number 69...

**Gneiss!**

A cute little girl walks into a pet store and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?"

She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees...

An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life...

...when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

''Well, now,'' says the old lady, ''I guess I would like to be really rich.''

*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

''And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a...

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A horse is hanging out in a barn watching MTV.

He sees a guy on stage playing the guitar and says, "I want to learn the guitar!" So he calls up a music teacher and tells him he wants to learn the guitar. Only problem is, he's a horse. Music teacher says "no problem, come on in and I'll teach you guitar." Horse goes to see the music teacher and l...

Somebody threw a rock at me with bgna written on it

That's bang out of order

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Somebody once told me a story…

…and today I’d like to share it with you:

Once upon a time, there was a farmer in Scotland. His name was William McKellen.

William had a faithful horse, named Star. She was his best friend out there in the Highlands.

Every morning, the two would go out to the grass fields. Far...

Sudden change of heart

An extremely wealthy investor and his wife of 25 years, were having dinner at a five-star restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman came over to their table, gave the husband a big, wet kiss, and in a breathy voice she said, "I'll see you later tonight…" ending with a wink just before turni...

The Rock

How does The Rock pee ??

He Dwaynes his Johnson.

Why did the farmer start a rock band?

Because he was tired of haulin oats

The Rock is divorcing his wife..

Because she takes him for granite.

A couples happy married life almost went on the rocks because of the presence in the household of old Aunt Emma.

For seventeen long years she lived with them, always crotchety, always demanding.
Finally the old girl passed away.
On the way back from the cemetery, the husband confessed to his wife, "Darling, if I didn't love you so much, I don't think I would have put up with having your Aunt Emma in the ...

Cast the first stone,,,

Jesus walks up to a crowd of people getting ready to stone a lady to death for committing adultery and says, “Whoever is without sin may cast the first stone.”

So this little lady walks up with a big rock and smashes it down on the poor woman and splits her head wide open.

Then the lit...

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Good old Johnny Boy

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”...

Why did Will Smith slap Chris at Oscars instead of punching

Coz Paper beats Rock.

I love Rock's acting in all his movies, I wonder where he got his acting skills from...

Oh he was in WWE.

I rocked up to a party the other night and was having a great time.

I got a bit tipsy and looked down at my wrist, my watch was missing. So off I go out the front to see if I dropped it. I get out there and I see this drunk guy screaming at his gf, I look down and he's crushing my watch under his foot. I ran straight over and punched him out cold. You don't mistreat...

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Golf humor

A man in his mid-twenties entered a confessional, made the sign of the cross, and announced, “Bless me Father, for I have sinned. It's been three years since my last confession.” The priest replied, “What is your sin, my child?”
“Well,” the young man began, “I used profane language and I feel ter...

I saw this rock and I was wondering why it was coming closer,

But then it hit me.

Two prawns, named Christian and Terry are off on their morning swim.

Soon they discover a codfish caught in a six pack ring. Cursing the humans, Christian and Terry help the poor fish out of his predicament. Now freed, he begins to glow mysteriously.

“Thank you,” he says. “My name is Cod, and I’m a wish-granting codfish. I’d like to grant each of you one wish ...

If you apply enough heat and pressure to Kid Rock...

he turns into Neil Diamond.

A seal asked the bartender for a drink...

He gave him a Canadian Club - on the rocks.

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