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A team of archaeologists were working in Jerusalem when they found a slab of rock with five figures carved on it.

In order the figures were:

1) A Woman. 2) A Donkey. 3) A Shovel. 4) A Fish. 5) A Star of David.

After months of studying the rock and figures on it, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were several thousands of years old but even so they revealed a...

I raise chickens humanely, and I only eat the ones that die from natural causes.

Rocks are natural, right?

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Three Chinese Tortures

One day, a man was lost walking through a dense forest. When it was getting dark he came across a secluded cabin in a clearing on top of a hill. He knocked on the door, and an ancient looking Chinese man answered the door.
“Please sir”, the man plead. “It is getting dark, and I’m lost. Could you ...

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What does The Rock call his penis?

Dwayne's Johnson

Why was the birthday cake hard as a rock?

Because it was a marble cake.

Why are strippers like rocks?

You skip the flat ones.

How do you know you’ve hit Rock bottom?

When He turns around and smacks you back

I’ve hit rock bottom...

...and got a restraining order from Dwayne Johnson because of it.

What did one geologist say to the other while they both stared down at a giant fissure in the rocks?

“I wonder whose fault this is.”

What is the electrician's favorite rock band?

AC/DC

There were three guys in an airplane. One guy dropped a rock, another dropped a brick, and the last dropped a grenade.

When they got back on the ground they were walking down the street and they saw a woman crying. Being the gentlemen they are they went up to ask her why she was crying she said: "A rock fell from the sky, landed on my cat and now my cat is dead." The men said they were very sorry to hear that and wa...

How do geologists get their rocks off?

By breaking them and staring at the resulting cleavage!

What type of rock do you find in the shed?

Shedimentary!

What do you call a rubber loop that you put rocks and bread into?

A rock and roll band.

They say you don't want to be stuck between a rock and a hard place

Tell that to Dwayne Johnson's balls

I was trying to practice on my guitar by playing some rock and the homeowners association gave me a written warning for the loud noise

Guess paper beats rock again

What do you call a rock that never goes to school?

A skipping stone

Trump wakes up, goes to the garden and starts picking up random rocks...

He picks a rock, carefuly examines it from from all sides, puts it back and then goes to find another one. After this has been going on for a couple of days, his cabinet starts to get nervous, so Pence calls Putin to see if he can help them.

"Hey Vlad! It's Mike. Listen, we have a little prob...

What rock group has four man that don't sing?

Mount Rushmore

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If you slap Dwayne Johnsons ass

you’re hitting rock bottom

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I keep seeing these “virginity rocks” stickers and I don’t get all the hype

If they’re anything like kidney stones they must suck pretty fucking bad.

What do you call small rocks?

mini-rals.

(found a book of jokes my daughter wrote when she was 8...this was the best of the lot)

I watched a gripping rock-climbing documentary on netflix the other day

It was great but it ended on a cliffhanger

Somebody help me practice rock paper scissors, I suck. Ill go first.

ROCK.

All western rock classics are banned in North Korea.

Except ”Sweet Child in a Mine”

I like to think of Kurt Cobain as the ‘Michelangelo’ of Rock

Although he had a different approach to painting ceilings.

Why where the cave people mad about their children playing with rocks all the time.

They wouldn't stop getting stoned, staring at tablets, and playing rock and roll all day.

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Why does Jesus hate Christian rock?

#Because it fucking sucks.

Where do rocks go when they die?

The sedimentary.

A man was caught in a river current and hanging on to some rocks in order to avoid being carried away.

​

Nasrudin and a friend noticed him, and the friend went up to him, extended his arm, and said, "Give me your hand so I can help you out."

The man, however, did not cooperate.

Nasrudin then asked the man what he did for a living.

"I collect taxes," the other re...

What is President Trump's least favorite rock band?

Foreigner.

I saw a sign that said falling rocks,

so I tried it. It doesn't.

Jon Bon Jovi was inducted into the Rock hall of fame

I asked him, "aren't you disappointed and ashamed you aren't in the more prestigious Rock & ***Roll*** hall of fame?"

​

He said "Woah, we're halfway there".

I met a rock salesman once.

He really took his money for granite.

Bought a pet rock. It looked lonely so I bought another. I dunno how, but they started breeding. Months later there was gravel and stones everywhere. I couldn't take it anymore and had enough.

Threw it all in a canvas sack, weighed it down with a couple of puppies, and tossed it in the river.

When I was 6, I had a magical rock that could write on cars...

My dad didn't like my magical rock...

Soviet Russia used to have a leader who was also a singer in a rock band.

He's none other than John Lenin.

The highway sign said, “Watch for falling rocks.”

And I thought, OK fine, but I only have 10 minutes.

A lava rock quit his job at the volcano today

Said they took him for granite.

What is Sherlock Holmes' favorite kind of rock?

Sedimentary, my dear Watson.

What did the geologist say to his favorite gem?

You are my rock!

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My sexual desires have been getting out of control…

But it wasn’t until I spanked a statue that I knew I’d hit rock bottom…

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Since the success of The Rock, fans suggest more wrestlers should participate in acting.

They are. It's called wrestling.

My boyfriend bought me a diamond ring

The stone was cut in the shape of a four leaf clover. I wore it all the time to show how much it meant to me.

One day, I got curious and had it valued at a jeweller's. Unfortunately they told me that my boyfriend had been swindled, as the diamond was actually a cubic zirconia.

It was ...

I’m planning to throw a rock at my grandma with dementia

She won’t know what hit her

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Ancient chinese torture

A man goes on a date with a hot chinese chick and crashes at her house, when her dad, Ling Bao, says:
"You can stay here for the night. Just one condition: don't sleep with my virgin daughter or I will give you the 3 worst forms of chinese torture".

The man agrees, but he ends up sleeping ...

Why did the paper lose the race against the rock?

Because it was stationary.

Geology rocks, but geography is where it's at..

And geometry's a cute one too.

A rock musician, a classical musician and a jazz musician are sitting together, drinking...

Rock musician talks about his recent band tour,
- "and after all taxes were paid and such, I was able to afford a nice little yacht from the remaining money."
The classical musician smiles and says,
- "Well, kinda nice. My orchestra sold so many records though, I was even able to afford ...

Two fishermen were fishing off the rocks...

The first fishermen was catching fish so fast they we're practically jumping straight into his bucket.

The second fishermen asked the first what his secret was. To which the first responded.

I have no wife, or girlfriend, I am a very lonely man.

The first fishermen didn't unders...

Fidget spinners are useless

Says the generation that bought 1.5 million pet rocks.

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What's 10 inches long, hard as a rock, full of semen and makes all of the ladies scream?

The sock under my bed.

"San Andreas" starring The Rock is a great movie but it could never be perfect...

Because there is one enormous fault

What do you call a punk rock kid without a girlfriend?

Homeless.

Scooby Doo doesn't normally like rocks...

But he's a big fan of Velma's Rubies.

I invented a new game similar to rock paper scissors.

You have 3 cards with a color on one side and white on the other.

You and your opponent choose a card, show it face down (white part), and simultaneously switch it to know the winner.

Every player has 3 cards of 3 different colors, representing some natural elements: Blue, Red and Bro...

During the annual cavemen conference ...

Greg : so I kept rubbing this rock against another rock until it became very thin and now I can cut vegetables,meat using this . I call this "The Knife" .

Chief Gogo : wow , I thought no-one can beat Gorg's invention of using wheat flour and water to create a new food called "bread" but yours...

Why does a Moon rock taste better than an Earth rock?

Because it's a little meteor.

What do you call a deadly Jamaican rock?

A Diemond

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Shower sex is like Christian rock

It sounds exciting at first but then it's just awkward and disappointing

Chris Rock, The Rock, and Kid Rock walk into a marijuana dispensary

*something about being stoned*

I tried.

Why are some rocks so lazy?

They live a sedimentary lifestyle.

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I hate my job.

My job is so fucking unbelievable.

I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:

First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. Sh...

We live on a tiny, useless ball of rocks and water, floating through the vast expanse of outer space

But it means the world to us.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

(NSFW) "At one point," boasted the ageing rock star, "I was having affairs simultaneously with Ms Estefan, Ms Gaynor and Ms Steinem!"

"Sounds like a good time!" replied the interviewer.

"Good? It was fucking Glorias!"

What would the Rock be if he was white?

Rock Salt

Whats big, red, and eats rocks?

A big-red-rock-eater

The salt packet says it was created from a 250 million year old Himalayan rock salt bed

The label says the expiry date is June 2018.

I'm so glad they dug it up just in time

A man is on a photo safari in Africa, when he finds an elephant in distress, lying in the bushes. Upon inspection, he finds that the elephant has a large, sharp rock embedded in the bottom of its foot. He carefully pulls the rock free, and the elephant gets up and saunters away.

Almost a decade later he is back in his home town when a circus is visiting
and they put on a parade. The man is watching all of the animals go past, when
he notices, and makes eye contact with a large African elephant. The elephant
immediately turns toward the man, picks him up in its trun...

It's the year 2070. Instead of putting funny one-liners in Christmas crackers, they put them in timecapsules embedded in space-rocks and send them to other planets.

The real joke is in the comets

I adopted a pet rock from the rescue shelter...

They told me he's had a hard life.

What's an alchemist's favorite classic rock band?

Gold Zeppelin

What’s the same between rocks and girls?

The flat ones get skipped.

What do you call a queue with John Cena, The Rock and Macho Man in it?

A *punch*line.

I started my first rock garden last week

Three of them already died.