UPJOKE
stoneswayshakeboulderrock musicmetamorphic rockpunkigneous rocklimestonepebblebedrocktormagmapumiceintrusion

what rock group has 4 men that can't sing?

Mt. Rushmore

Rock, paper and scissors have entered a race.

Rock has begun to roll, but paper and scissors remain stationery.

Looks like NFT prices have hit rock bottom.

Get your monkey for nothin' and your chimps for free.



I want my, I want my, I want my NFT.

Jesus, Chuck Norris and the Pope are sitting in a boat in the middle of a lake.

They decide to get to the shore, so Jesus leaves the boat first and walks over the water to the shore.

Chuck Norris leaves second and also walks over the water to the shore.

The Pope, being baffled, also tries to take a step out of the boat but immediately falls in, so he has to swim t...

What does Chris Rock have on his face right now?

Fresh prints!

What's the difference between a rock guitarist and a jazz guitarist?

The rock musician plays three chords for thousands of people, the jazz guitarist plays thousands of chords to three people.

Good thing Chris rock didn’t make fun of hilaria baldwin.

Too soon?

What did the police find after dusting Chris Rocks face after the show?

Fresh Prince

Chris Rock was so lucky..

That all the other dudes banging Jada didn’t rush the stage

Me and my friends from the obsessive compulsive support group are starting a rock cover band.

We’re calling ourselves OC/DC.

Went to a rock festival and got arrested for selling pot to The Police.

It was a Sting operation.

At the beach house, we had a major problem with sea birds. I started throwing rocks at them.

I left no Tern unstoned.

Chris Rock deserves an Oscar

for acting.... like an adult.

Now that Will Smith has apologised for slapping Chris Rock, his conscience is clean.

His wife on the other hand, is Mr Clean.

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A city guy decides to pursue his dream to be a lumberjack

So he moves to a remote logging town in the northern woods. It's just 40 men in this little community, hundreds of miles from the nearest town of any size, and he wonders how they manage their "loneliness," if you know what I mean.

One evening in the spring, after the day's work has ended, a ...

Why are rocks from space more delicious than rocks from Earth?

Because they're meatier.

Rock, paper and scissors were fired as recruitment officers

They only gave hand jobs

A horse in a barn was listening to some rock and roll on the radio...

And he was inspired. The guitarist was masterful, and the horse knew, then and there, that he needed to play guitar. More than anything he'd ever needed before.

So he calls up his buddy, who is a guitar teacher, and asks his buddy to help him learn guitar. The horse takes to it quickly and p...

I applied to the local rock quarry...

Apparently getting stoned is not acceptable prior work experience.

A horse, a sheep, and a chicken lived together on a farm.

The horse had long dreamed of learning to play the guitar.


So the horse rings a music shop and he says, “Hey, I’d love to learn to play guitar. Is there anyone who can teach me”?


The music shop manager says “That’s not an issue, let’s get you started on some music lessons.” ...

I am 110% sure that I am FAR from the first person to think of this joke, but I promise I came by it independently. What did Chris Rock have on his face when he left the Oscars?

Will Smith’s Fresh Prints.

So... two guys are walking through the desert and they find this deep hole.

The first guy says "That looks like a deep hole."
The second guy says "That looks like a REALLY deep hole. Let's check it out." He picks up a small rock and throws it in. The rock goes Bang bang ^bang .... They agree. It is deep. They pick up a rock the size of a bowling ball and throw it...

What’s a cookie’s favorite rock band?

OREO Speedwagon

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"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old.

"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Ac...

I love how all these young YouTubers are getting into Classic Rock.

They are always telling everyone “Don’t forget to like Cher, and subscribe.”

How do you resuscitate someone at a rock concert?

You perform CCR!

what happens if you spank dwayne johnson

you hit rock bottom

Why does a moon rock taste better than an earth rock?

Because it’s a little meteor

On our hike yesterday, my partner wouldn't let me take home any volcanic rocks

And to be honest, I'm still a little basalty over it.

Why did Will use an open hand?

Because paper always beats Rock.

A chicken walks into a library...

She goes up to the librarian and say, "Book! Book! Book!".

Slightly perplexed, the librarian pulls a book from the nearest shelf (A Waffle Lot of Narwhal and Jelly) and gives it to the chicken. The chicken leaves, taking the book with her.

The next day, the chicken returns empty handed...

What's the difference between Chris Rock and Will Smith?

Chris Rock can take a hit

What is Count Rugen's favorite rock band?

Finger Eleven

To a geologist, what's the difference between rocks and a kid?

If you date a kid, you get sent to jail

I never imagined Chris Rock getting slapped on national television…

But I guess if there’s a Will, there’s a way.

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"Hey, what are you gonna do with those crazy crystal rocks??"

Nothing... why don't you mine your own bismuth

Rock really shouldn't have made that joke about Jada's affair............

I mean hair, hair, I said hair.

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What Chris Rock should have said....

Well, now I know why you didn't win for Ali. You tennis dad bitch.

Why did Will Smith slap Chris Rock?

His Wife's Boyfriend didnt think the joke was funny

A Hunter

A man goes hunting and runs into a bear. He takes dead aim and fires. When the smoke clears, he sees no bear. The bear taps him on the shoulder and says: bend over or I eat you. The next year, the hunter brings a bear gun, sees the very same bear, takes dead aim and fires. When the smoke clears, the...

When I met the Rock, he seemed quite shy.

I expected him to be a little bolder.

My best friend is like Medusa...

Whenever I look at her, I become hard as rock.

Eric is stranded on an island...

Eric is stranded on an island. He starts hopelessly wandering around and hides behind the bushes when he comes upon a local tribe of cannibals and their cannibal king sitting on a golden throne.

"I'm screwed." Eric whispers to himself.

Then, out of nowhere, appears a wise old man. "No...

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I recently got arrested for sexually harassing a statue…

That’s when I hit rock bottom

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When the Rock has an orgasm...

would it be considered a landslide or a geyser?

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Two guys, Billy and Bob, head out in the woods, hunting for bear...

They hike to where their tree stand is, in the thickest part of the forest, set their bait, climb into the stand, hunker down and wait. Before too long, a small black bear comes by to check out the bait, and the hunters shoot it dead. They climb down and begin the work of butchering the carcass, whe...

Geology rocks but geography is where it's at...

What did the tectonic plates say when they bumped into each other?


My fault, sorry!

Nursing home

Two old ladies were sitting on the porch of their nursing home rocking in their rocking chairs smoking cigarettes. As it starts to rain old lady 1 reaches in her purse and gets a condom package out, she slides it Over her cigarette to keep it dry so she can smoke it later. Amazed and curious, old l...

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Three vampires walk into a bar... The 1st one, quite thirsty promptly says to the bartender "I'll have a glass of blood, type AB-, on the rocks", quickly followed by the 2nd making his request for "A Bloody Mary, type B+"

and lastly the 3rd one, after a little consideration, asks for "A glass of hot water please".

The first 2 vampires immediately give a look of contempt to the 3rd one, one of them exclaiming "A glass of hot water? What kind of pansy order is that?". To which the 3rd vampire, while taking a use...

Why was the prog-rock song 20 minutes long?

It was only part I.

Why was Chris Rock surprised when Will Smith slapped him?

He thought one of Jada’s other boyfriends would have done it.

People keep saying Will Smith hit rock bottom at the Oscars

But I'm pretty sure he slapped him in the face.

How come you never read about Will Smith anymore?

Because paper covers Rock.

What do you call The Rock's Irish Doppleganger???

A ShamRock

Don't date rocks

They'll take you for granite

Rock climbers are doing hard work.

Don't they Everest?

Girls are like rocks,

the flat ones get skipped

Apparently some pet rocks are braver than others...

I understand they're a little boulder.

Why does a space rock make the best rock soup?

# Because its a little meteor.

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This oldie goldie

Grandma and Grandpa are sitting on the veranda of the old folks, home rocking back and forth in their rocking chairs.

Grandpa rocks forward in his chair and says to Grandma, "Fuck you!"

Grandma rocks forward in her chair and says to Grandpa, "Fuck you too!"

Grandpa becomes very...

After the invention of time travel, many historic figures were brought to the present to experience modern culture with varying degrees of success.

George Washington nearly had a heart-attack because of the current state of the two party system, Napoleon tried to conquer Europe once more, and Alfred Einstein became an avid redditer, amongst many other historic events.

But out of all the crazy things happening because of time travel, the ...

Why did Dwayne ‘the rock’ Johnson’s family get tested for COVID-19

They couldn’t smell what the rock was cooking.

Sin

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!...

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch...

"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'...

Aside from King Crimson, did any other seminal progressive rock bands form in London in 1968?

Yes

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Two fishermen, George and Ted, were leaving the docks one morning when they saw a gorgeous naked woman sitting on a rock. The woman was singing in a lovely soprano voice and doing nothing to cover her perfect breasts.

Figuring the woman was a mermaid, they rowed their boat over to her.

"You have such a gorgeous voice," said George. "Are you a mermaid?"

"Yes," replied the mermaid. "Whenever a mermaid sees a human she likes, she usually grants him three wishes. But since there are three of us, I think...

Celebrity Murder

Dwayne Johnson was murdered in a hotel room he was staying at. Police were called as soon as the body was discovered, and they did some investigating.

An officer knocked on the door of someone living one floor down. He asked the man who answered if he heard anything unusual above him, but he ...

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To the jerk that threw the rock through my window:

You must *really* hate Dwayne Johnson.

Here's one I came up with tonight: What kind of rocks are best at making "get well soon" cards?

Sentimentary rocks.

Classic Rock and Roll Trivia

I learned today that 3 of the guys who performed on "Rosanna" and "Africa" also played on "Dust in the Wind". Music journalist asked them why they joined the new band and they said

"Toto? We aren't in Kansas anymore".

Train

Cassie was taking two of her grandsons on their very first train ride from Dayton, Ohio to Washington, DC. A vendor came down the corridor selling Pop Rocks, something neither had ever seen before. Cassie bought each one a bag. The first one eagerly tore open the bag and popped one into his mouth ju...

Went to a rock concert awhile ago…

Pre-COVID of course, and it was absolutely jam-packed, people standing shoulder to shoulder, just enjoying the music. My friend standing next to me turned his head slightly
and said : totally awesome concert but I’m needing to go toilet and it’s so busy what am I gonna do?

I replied: pee ...

An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life...

...when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

''Well, now,'' says the old lady, ''I guess I would like to be really rich.''

*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

''And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a...

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Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, each telling tall tales.

The first one says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. The other day a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands."

The second cowboy says. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a f...

What do Will Smith and Moses have in common?

They both hit rocks instead of talking to them.

What's dumber than a box of rocks?

...the hippie trying to sell them



and that my friends, as a geologist, is my favorite rock joke.

Did you hear about the rock that faced his greatest fear?

He is now a little boulder.

I got in one little fight and my mom got scared.

She said, "You can't slap Chris Rock because your wifes got no hair"

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An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years.

He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner.

“Check this out!" he happily exclaimed. "What do you think we should do with it?"

With one eye open, his wife replied, “Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, it would be a good time to wa...

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This is long, but I think it's worth it.

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house.
He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If y...

I was cornered by Dwayne Johnson in front of a Hallmark store.

I was caught between The Rock and a card place.

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Little Girl And Construction Workers

Here's a heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little girl and some construction workers. This will make you believe that we CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of your time...

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day, a construction cr...

What is big, red and eats rocks

A big red rock eater

Doctor: You have a disease, but we can treat it.

Patient: What’s the Cure?

Doctor: It’s an 80s rock band fronted by Robert Smith, but let’s try to stay focused...

A few years ago I started a journal of different rocks I've found in the wilderness. For a while I was stuck with 68 entries, until I finally found number 69...

**Gneiss!**

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