There were three guys in an airplane. One guy dropped a rock, another dropped a brick, and the last dropped a grenade.

When they got back on the ground they were walking down the street and they saw a woman crying. Being the gentlemen they are they went up to ask her why she was crying she said: "A rock fell from the sky, landed on my cat and now my cat is dead." The men said they were very sorry to hear that and wa...

What type of rock do you find in the shed?

Shedimentary!

I like to think of Kurt Cobain as the ‘Michelangelo’ of Rock

Although he had a different approach to painting ceilings.

Why where the cave people mad about their children playing with rocks all the time.

They wouldn't stop getting stoned, staring at tablets, and playing rock and roll all day.

What do you call small rocks?

mini-rals.

(found a book of jokes my daughter wrote when she was 8...this was the best of the lot)

Somebody help me practice rock paper scissors, I suck. Ill go first.

ROCK.

I met a rock salesman once.

He really took his money for granite.

How does The Rock pee?

He Dwaynes his Johnson.

Bought a pet rock. It looked lonely so I bought another. I dunno how, but they started breeding. Months later there was gravel and stones everywhere. I couldn't take it anymore and had enough.

Threw it all in a canvas sack, weighed it down with a couple of puppies, and tossed it in the river.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If you slap Dwayne Johnsons ass

you’re hitting rock bottom

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I keep seeing these “virginity rocks” stickers and I don’t get all the hype

If they’re anything like kidney stones they must suck pretty fucking bad.

Where do rocks go when they die?

The sedimentary.

Jon Bon Jovi was inducted into the Rock hall of fame

I asked him, "aren't you disappointed and ashamed you aren't in the more prestigious Rock & ***Roll*** hall of fame?"

​

He said "Woah, we're halfway there".

A man was caught in a river current and hanging on to some rocks in order to avoid being carried away.

​

Nasrudin and a friend noticed him, and the friend went up to him, extended his arm, and said, "Give me your hand so I can help you out."

The man, however, did not cooperate.

Nasrudin then asked the man what he did for a living.

"I collect taxes," the other re...

What is President Trump's least favorite rock band?

Foreigner.

Girls are like rocks

If they're flat, skip em

I finally hit rock bottom today.

Dwayne Johnson was not pleased.

The highway sign said, “Watch for falling rocks.”

And I thought, OK fine, but I only have 10 minutes.

Trump wakes up, goes to the garden and starts picking up random rocks...

He picks a rock, carefuly examines it from from all sides, puts it back and then goes to find another one. After this has been going on for a couple of days, his cabinet starts to get nervous, so Pence calls Putin to see if he can help them.

"Hey Vlad! It's Mike. Listen, we have a little prob...

Soviet Russia used to have a leader who was also a singer in a rock band.

He's none other than John Lenin.

What did the geologist say to his favorite gem?

You are my rock!

What is Sherlock Holmes' favorite kind of rock?

Sedimentary, my dear Watson.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why does Jesus hate Christian rock?

#Because it fucking sucks.

A lava rock quit his job at the volcano today

Said they took him for granite.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Since the success of The Rock, fans suggest more wrestlers should participate in acting.

They are. It's called wrestling.

When I was 6, I had a magical rock that could write on cars...

My dad didn't like my magical rock...

A rock musician, a classical musician and a jazz musician are sitting together, drinking...

Rock musician talks about his recent band tour,
- "and after all taxes were paid and such, I was able to afford a nice little yacht from the remaining money."
The classical musician smiles and says,
- "Well, kinda nice. My orchestra sold so many records though, I was even able to afford ...

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My sexual desires have been getting out of control…

But it wasn’t until I spanked a statue that I knew I’d hit rock bottom…

Why did the paper lose the race against the rock?

Because it was stationary.

My boyfriend bought me a diamond ring

The stone was cut in the shape of a four leaf clover. I wore it all the time to show how much it meant to me.

One day, I got curious and had it valued at a jeweller's. Unfortunately they told me that my boyfriend had been swindled, as the diamond was actually a cubic zirconia.

It was ...

Geology rocks, but geography is where it's at..

And geometry's a cute one too.

Two fishermen were fishing off the rocks...

The first fishermen was catching fish so fast they we're practically jumping straight into his bucket.

The second fishermen asked the first what his secret was. To which the first responded.

I have no wife, or girlfriend, I am a very lonely man.

The first fishermen didn't unders...

I’m planning to throw a rock at my grandma with dementia

She won’t know what hit her

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Ancient chinese torture

A man goes on a date with a hot chinese chick and crashes at her house, when her dad, Ling Bao, says:
"You can stay here for the night. Just one condition: don't sleep with my virgin daughter or I will give you the 3 worst forms of chinese torture".

The man agrees, but he ends up sleeping ...

Why does Cotton Hill from "King of the Hill" like to throw rocks?

Because Jesus said, "Let he who is without shins cast the first stone."

Imagining Kid Rock's nemesis

Li'l Paper Scissors

Scooby Doo doesn't normally like rocks...

But he's a big fan of Velma's Rubies.

"San Andreas" starring The Rock is a great movie but it could never be perfect...

Because there is one enormous fault

During the annual cavemen conference ...

Greg : so I kept rubbing this rock against another rock until it became very thin and now I can cut vegetables,meat using this . I call this "The Knife" .

Chief Gogo : wow , I thought no-one can beat Gorg's invention of using wheat flour and water to create a new food called "bread" but yours...

What rock group has four men that don't sing?

Mount Rushmore.

What do you call a deadly Jamaican rock?

A Diemond

Fidget spinners are useless

Says the generation that bought 1.5 million pet rocks.

I invented a new game similar to rock paper scissors.

You have 3 cards with a color on one side and white on the other.

You and your opponent choose a card, show it face down (white part), and simultaneously switch it to know the winner.

Every player has 3 cards of 3 different colors, representing some natural elements: Blue, Red and Bro...

What do you call a punk rock kid without a girlfriend?

Homeless.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Shower sex is like Christian rock

It sounds exciting at first but then it's just awkward and disappointing

Chris Rock, The Rock, and Kid Rock walk into a marijuana dispensary

*something about being stoned*

I tried.

Why does a Moon rock taste better than an Earth rock?

Because it's a little meteor.

Why are some rocks so lazy?

They live a sedimentary lifestyle.

What would the Rock be if he was white?

Rock Salt

We live on a tiny, useless ball of rocks and water, floating through the vast expanse of outer space

But it means the world to us.

Whats big, red, and eats rocks?

A big-red-rock-eater

A man is on a photo safari in Africa, when he finds an elephant in distress, lying in the bushes. Upon inspection, he finds that the elephant has a large, sharp rock embedded in the bottom of its foot. He carefully pulls the rock free, and the elephant gets up and saunters away.

Almost a decade later he is back in his home town when a circus is visiting
and they put on a parade. The man is watching all of the animals go past, when
he notices, and makes eye contact with a large African elephant. The elephant
immediately turns toward the man, picks him up in its trun...

I adopted a pet rock from the rescue shelter...

They told me he's had a hard life.

It's the year 2070. Instead of putting funny one-liners in Christmas crackers, they put them in timecapsules embedded in space-rocks and send them to other planets.

The real joke is in the comets

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's 10 inches long, hard as a rock, full of semen and makes all of the ladies scream?

The sock under my bed.

What’s the same between rocks and girls?

The flat ones get skipped.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

(NSFW) "At one point," boasted the ageing rock star, "I was having affairs simultaneously with Ms Estefan, Ms Gaynor and Ms Steinem!"

"Sounds like a good time!" replied the interviewer.

"Good? It was fucking Glorias!"

What do you call a queue with John Cena, The Rock and Macho Man in it?

A *punch*line.

One day in the future, Donald Trump has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil.

“You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll ...

I started my first rock garden last week

Three of them already died.

The salt packet says it was created from a 250 million year old Himalayan rock salt bed

The label says the expiry date is June 2018.

I'm so glad they dug it up just in time

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A rock band is touring through the Middle East.

One day they are caught having sex with teenage fans. As punishment they each have a wooden skewer jabbed into their pee holes.
They are now known as Third Eye Blind.

What do you call two Scottish potatos who have just recived a rock as a prize?

Kilt tubers with won stone.

What's the difference between a jazz guitarist and a rock guitarist?

A rock guitarist plays 10 chords for 50,000 people, and a jazz guitarist plays 50,000 chords for 10 people.

What do rock bottom and a rednecks wife have in common?

They usually get hit at the same time.

My dad is a geologist and has been dating rocks for years...

His best advice is to just be gneiss and try not to be a little schist.

The guy who wrote the song 'In Too Deep' missed out on the 'best writer of a rock song' award.

Most of the judges said he lost, but Sum41.

Which went up to sing karaoke, rock, paper, or scissors?

Rock. He was Boulder.

Two guys are walking through the woods one day when they stumble across a big deep hole.

The first guy peers into it and says, "Wow! That looks deep."

The second guy says, "It sure does. Let's throw a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is. We'll be able to tell the depth by how long it is before we hear the noise of the pebbles landing."

So they pick up a few pebbles...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do the small grass-like substance that grows on the side of rocks and small winged insects similar to butterflies have in common?

The way Mike Tyson pronounces them.

If the shocker don't rock her.

Spock Her.

What’s the worst way to end a friendship with a rock?

Take them for granite.