100% rock-solid proof that Trump laundered Russian mob money through the Trump Organization:

\[removed by Federal government\]

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The sexiest mythological creature is Medusa

Whenever I see her I get rock hard

What rock group has four men that don't sing?

Mount Rushmore

The Rock and his family just got diagnosed with Covid-19

No one at his home can smell what he's cooking tonight.

A boy was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch in the rocking chair with nothing on from the waist down.

A boy was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch in the rocking chair with nothing on from the waist down.

“Grandpa, what are you doing?” he asked.

The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.

“Grandpa, what are you doing sit...

I've just joined a rock band that play the same songs in the same order at every gig.

We're OC/DC

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The secret to winning every single Rock, Paper, Scissors game is...

...Weighing about 30+ kilos more than your opponent, looking him firmly in the eye and showing ROCK til they get the fucking message.

What do rocks and girls have in common?

The flat ones get skipped

I formed a rock group called the elastics, things aren't going so well so far though,

We have one song and it's band.

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How d...

What's common between tall people and rock/metal music lovers ?

They both head bang a lot.

Did you see Dwayne The Rock Johnson is recovering from COVID ?

I hear he couldn’t even smell what he was cookin.

I found ten rocks yesterday, all of which measured exactly 1760 yards in length.

Must be some kind of milestone.

What do rocks use for personal hygiene?

Geoderant!

What do you call a hard rock band full of old people

Near death metal.

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A struggling rock band...

A struggling indies band from Brooklyn, The Spoonerists, was in the process of recording their debut album. The artistic sentiment of the group led them to use ambient sounds from nature in their arrangements. One of the members of the band took it upon himself to go out in to the field and make rec...

Geology rocks

But geography is where it’s at

I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing

"nice... what’s the highest you've been?"

I tried to kiss a goldfish.

When you listen to rock backwards you hear satanic messages, what do you get when you listen to country music backwards?

Your wife back, your life back, and your dog back.

What’s the difference between a rock guitarist and a jazz guitarist?

A rock guitarist plays 3 chords for 10,000 people
A jazz guitarist plays 10,000 chords for 3 people

How do you discipline a rock?

You hit rock bottom.

Me: "What do you call a big rock?"

Person: "Boulder."

**Me:** **"What do you call a big rock?"**

Sherlock Holmes and Watson are out hunting. Watson has a buck in his sights, when holmes throws a rock near it, and, frightened, it runs away. "What the hell was that?!" He asks. Holmes looks at him for a second..

It sedimentary. My deer, Watson.

A CEO went on a rock climbing trip with one of his employees.

The CEO, an experienced climber, reached the top of a difficult section and was holding a rope tied to both men. As the employee was climbing up, he lost his grip, and was only saved by the strength of the CEO who was barely able to hang on. The CEO yelled, "Hurry, I'm losing my grip!", but the empl...

When i was little I had a pet rock I was always very strict on him about drug abuse

because i was afraid that he would be a stoner.

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When I rock on up to the building, bitches swoon.

I make my appearance known, and the bitches fucking swoon mate, they are yelling and screaming, going crazy! im all "please bitches, calm the fuck down, sit the fuck down" the bitches eventually do ... We leave the SPCA and take them bitches for a walk ... bitches love walks.

What do you call the rocks kids covered in chocolate?

Coco pebbles.










I hate this joke.

Chinese and Indian troops have been fighting each other with sticks and rocks...

looks like they decided to go directly to world war 4.

What is Sherlock Holmes' Favorite Type Of Rock?

Sedimentary, my dear Watson.

What's a rock's favorite vegetable?

Korn

A man is lost in the desert, after walking for two days he finally sees some structure on the horizon.

He realizes this might be his last hope and channels his last remaining energy to get there.

Two hours later he finally gets to what seems to be some kind of well. Barely able to stand up he walks around it to find a bucket or something, but there doesn't seem to be anything of the sort and t...

A group of first graders come in from recess

Once they all sat down the teacher grabbed a piece a chalk and walked to the chalkboard. "Jimmy, what did you do for recess?" Jimmy replied, "I played in the sandbox." "Very good, the teacher said, If you can come to the board and spell sand I will give you a cookie". Jimmy approaches the board and ...

My buddy told me that 'on my tombstone when i go, just put death by rock and roll'

which is pretty reckless

(long) A man was standing before the judge, being questioned over how did he managed

to run over 10 people while driving his truck, so the man answered:

I was driving my truck, hauling a heavy load of rocks, going down this steep street, on one level i came to realize that my brakes have overheated, and unresponsive, down in my way there was 2 groups of pedestrian, on the rig...

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My Father’s Favorite Joke

One day, a man goes to a remote village and goes to the pub. He is completely taken with how incredible the bar is. Eventually he speaks to the barman and tells him how he has travelled the world but that this is the most beautiful bar he has ever seen. The barman says:
“You like this bar, hr...

What do you call someone that repairs rocks?

A rocktor

I was one step away from hitting the rock bottom

His bodyguard caught me, Dwayne is a well protected man

Did you know that on the way to the Moon the Apollo 11 crew heard rock music coming from outside?

Mission Control confirmed they were passing through the Van Halen belts.

Threw a rock at my kids knee

Call that a kidney stone

I loved my pet rock

Our friendship was solid

I started the biggest rock band in the galaxy.

We're called the Asteroid Belt.

What did the rock-eating scientist say when he wasn’t hungry?

I’ve lost my apatite.

My wife asked for help with a puzzle. She said to hand her pieces with rocks and water.

I said shore.

Kids get back into the classroom after playing at recess

and the teacher says, “who can tell me what they did at recess?” Sally raises her hand and says, “I played in the sandbox.” “That sounds like fun, Sally! If you can correctly spell sand, I will give you a cookie, replied the teacher.

“Sand, S.A.N.D. Sand” said Sally with a smile.

“Cor...

How does The Rock pee

He Dwaynes his Johnson

My 7 year old just came up with these Avatar: The Last Airbender jokes. We were quite surprised.

What kind of music does Toph like?

- Rock-and-Roll


What kind of instrument does Aang play?

- Air guitar


I know it’s not much, but I got a kick out of his reasoning and decided to share.

Elephant Never Forgets

An elephant and a crocodile were swimming in the Amazon, when the elephant spots a turtle sunning himself on a rock.

The elephant walks over to the turtle, picks him up in his trunk and hurls him far into the jungle.

"What did you do that for?" asks the crocodile.

The elephan...

So there is a Priest, a Rabbi, and an Atheist in a boat fishing.

The priest says "Oh heavens, I forgot my lures back on land" and steps out of the boat, walks across the water back to the land, and grabs his lures before walking back to the boat.

The atheist was astounded, but before he could make sense of the situation, the rabbi says "Oh Hashem help me, ...

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Me: *staring at Medusa's boobs*

Medusa: "Hey buddy, my eyes are up here."

Me: *already rock hard*

I was gonna tell a rock joke on here,

but I think everyone would take it for granite.

Three chinese Buddhist monks die and meet Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

Saint Peter reviews their lives. " Clearly all three of you have been exemplary people but I'm afraid that only Christians are allowed into heaven."

The first monk replies. " Oh no, we all good Christian. Ask any question."
St. Peter considers and says because they have been so good he w...

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young man was wandering, lost, in a forest when he came upon a small house. Knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, gray beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner the daug...

What do you get when you combine the Rock and E.T.?

(From my little brother)

A rocket

Decided to start rocking a mustache during quarantine...

Wasn’t a fan of it at first but it has started to grow on me

trees rock

A squirrel had carved a shelter into a tree. The tree was arrested and faced charges in court of arboring a fugitive.

A Priest, Rabbi, and Imam are fishing on a lake

They finish the drinks in the cooler.

Rabbi: "I'll go get some more" and he walks across the water, gets more drinks, and walks back across the water.

They finish the drinks again.

Imam: "It's my turn to get more" and he walks across the water, gets more drinks, and walks back a...

What rock is a 6.9 on the Mohs Hardness Scale?

Gneiss

Unconfirmed rumors that The Rock has been injured while on location in Namibia

I guess Dwayne's down in Africa.

I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop...

I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors...

How did Dwayne Johnson's family know they had Covid-19?

They couldn't smell what 'The Rock' was cooking.

We were fed lies by our education system saying that there are only four faces carved in Mount Rushmore.

How can they miss John Cena and The Rock.

If I got paid to play rock paper scissors...

I'd be making money hand over fist.

Who’s your favourite Christian rock band?

Mines psalm 41

What’s the difference between and steak and a rock?

One is pretty meaty, the others a little meteor.

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So, once upon a time......

A horse sees a rock band perform and thinks "Hey, I could do that." The horse calls up his local music store and is like "I wanna learn guitar, just one problem, I'm a horse." The employee says "don't worry we can do that." The horse goes, learns guitar for a few months, gets really good, and is ...

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I have an unhealthy sexual attraction towards figures in Greek mythology ever since

I laid my eyes on Medusa. Been rock hard ever since.

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"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."

"Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year-old, “Eighty is the worst age of all." "Do you have trouble peeing, too?" as...

Trump wakes up, goes to the garden and starts picking up random rocks...

He picks a rock, carefuly examines it from from all sides, puts it back and then goes to find another one. After this has been going on for a couple of days, his cabinet starts to get nervous, so Pence calls Putin to see if he can help them.

"Hey Vlad! It's Mike. Listen, we have a little prob...

I saw a crying baby in a hot car today, I grabbed a rock and threw it at the window.....

Little did I know the window was rolled down... at least it stopped crying

Im as funny as a rock

Normally boring and sedimentary. But hilarious when thrown at someone

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Medusa must have some really sexy eyes

I mean they get everyone rock hard

My buddy and I were out for a walk and noticed this giant hole in a field...

We walked up to the hole and threw in a small rock; no sound; no signs of it hitting the bottom!

So we found a larger rock and threw it into the hole; no sound; no signs of it ever hitting the bottom.

My buddy notices a bunch of railroad ties along the forest line nearby. We lug the gi...

Did you hear about the meth head horticulturalist?

She made a rock garden.

Son: If you could save any famous person who would it be?

Daughter: Martin Luther King Jr.

Son: I would save the Rock.

Daughter: He’s not dead.

Son: You’re welcome.

Our Earth Science Class took a fieldtrip to a place where scientists drill through sedimentary rocks for specimens of local strata, but I didn't really enjoy the trip.

It was just boring.

Found a stone shaped like a guitar pick at the beach yesterday...

It's for rock music

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Dwayne Johnson is doing a battle scene for a movie...

When suddenly the villain he is fighting kicks him in the butt.

Dwayne shocked, responds "you've just hit rock's bottom"

There's a movie called The Rock that doesn't star The Rock, but rather Nicolas Cage.

If The Rock ever stars in a movie called Cage I fear this will only grow more confusing.

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Growing up my mom was worried I get into sex, drugs, and rock and roll.

At least she got the drugs and rock and roll part right.

... then Jesus said "whoever have never sinned before, throw the first rock"

- Nobody? Ok, I'll go first

My rock collection isn't worth much...

But it has sedimental value

I always associate my late uncle with the pop rocks

Both exploded in my mouth...

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There was once a rabbi who loved to play golf.

He loved it so much he could not bear not to play for more than a few days and was beggining to get addicted.

One year, on Yom Kippur - the day of atonement and the holiest of all high Jewish holidays, the rabbi thought to himself, "What's it going to hurt if I go out during the recess and ...

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There was this guy who bought an elderly circus elephant;

There was this guy who bought an elderly circus elephant; I don't know why. Alas, he couldn't afford to feed it. He'd never seen an elephant jump with all 4 feet off the ground. So he started a contest: entry was $10, and the first person to get the elephant to jump with all 4 feet off the ground wo...

A woman walked up to an elderly man rocking in a chair on his porch.

“I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look,” she said. “What’s your secret for a long, happy life?”


“I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,” he said. “I also drink a case of whisky a week, eat fatty foods and never exercise.”


“That’s amazing,” the woman said. “How old a...

I just listened to a heavy metal band singing about norse gods

Now that's what I call Ragna-rock!

A Concerned mother

A Concerned mother warns her little boy, "don't look at naked women or you'll turn to stone." Johnny loved his mother, and as such decided not to look at naked women. But one day johhny and his friend were walking along a beach, and saw a woman sunbathing naked. Johnny remembered what his mother sai...

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A joke that’s got me various death threats

So there was a horse, and this horse was really talented. He was great on guitar. One day he found himself watching youtube and stumbled upon a Jimi Hendrix song which inspired him to start a cover. He practised this cover really hard, eventually becoming inspired to create a cover of a whole Jimi H...

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A man died and was sent to hell. The devil was feeling generous and gave him three choices.

The devil took him to the first room.

The room was empty except for a pool of scalding hot water. The man saw George Bush, jump into the pool, climb out and jump back in again.
The devil said "That's his punishment. He has to jump into the pool for eternity. If you pick this room, you ta...

How did the rock climber lose his friend?

He cut ties with him.

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A man was stranded in the desert with his camel......

A man was stranded in the desert with his camel. One day while hopelessly walking through the sand, he found a supply bag full of water and food. He was good for days with these supplies, so he began his journey to find civilization again.

One day he was overcome by the urge to have sex. He ...

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A Scotsman and an Englishman

Were walking along the beach when they come upon a beautiful Mermaid sitting on a rock.

Englishman says "Have you ever been kissed?" She says No, and he kisses her.

Scotsman says "Have you ever been fucked?" She says No, he says "Well you are now the tide's just gone out"

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A snake bit a man on his penis

Two friends were hiking deep in the woods for a few days. On the second day, while one hiker is peeing, he is bitten by a snake on his penis. Through excruciating pain, he manages to crawl back to the campsite to his friend.

\*"A snake bit me on the penis!! You need to go get help!"\*
...

Why did the Mexican guy order whiskey without rocks?

He hated ICE

What's the similarity of a failure and you spanking a hard ass?

You're both hitting rock bottom.

I slept like a rock last night.

Just laid there. All night. Hard.

If you ever drop a volcano rock on your foot...

...You'll Krakatoa

What do you call a rock climbing rabbi?

Mountain Jew

What’s the difference between philosophy and eyeballing a picture of a rock?

One’s ideology, the other’s eyed-geology

The class was learning about subtraction and the teacher calls on little Johnnie to solve a problem.

“Johnnie, suppose there are five birds sitting on a fence together and you throw a rock at one of them. How many are left?”

Johnnie ponders the question for a moment and finally replies enthusiastically: “Zero!”

The teacher frowns. “How did you arrive at that answer?” She asks.
...

How does Dwayne Johnson sign up for a music contest?

Rock enrolls

\[Rock 'n' rolls\]

I was down at the quarry and I said to the owner "Nice rock!"

He said "Boulder", so I said "**Nice rock!**"

Who is the most attractive Greek mythological figure?

I don't know about you, but Medusa always gets me rock hard.

There was a hunter who lived alone in the middle of the forest, in a small house by the river..

A short distance down a slope in front of his house, he had a garden where he would grow vegetables to supplement his diet of forest game and fish.


One morning, he awoke to the sounds of a thunderstorm and rushing water. Quickly getting dressed and stumbling outside, he saw the river ...

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