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A man is lost in the woods and it is getting dark.

As he walks through the woods he comes across a small cabin. He goes up to the cabin and knocks on the door. An old Chinese man opens it. 

“I’m lost in the woods and I need somewhere to stay for the night,” the man said. “Can I please stay here?” 

“Sure,” said the Chinese man. “But as ...

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Me: *stares at medusa's breasts.* Medusa: "My eyes are up here."

Me after looking: *gets rock hard*

What rock group had four man who don't sing?

Mount Rushmore

Geology

rocks.

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A team of archaeologists were working in Jerusalem when they found a slab of rock with five figures carved on it.

In order the figures were:

1) A Woman. 2) A Donkey. 3) A Shovel. 4) A Fish. 5) A Star of David.

After months of studying the rock and figures on it, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were several thousands of years old but even so they revealed a...

What did the miner say when blowing up rocks and discovering a gold vein?

Wow. This blew up! Thanks for the gold, kind nature!

How do you discipline your pet rock?

You hit rock bottom

I'm standing right next to the rapper who collabed with Kendrick and Jay Rock in "King's Dead"

I can't believe my eyes. **I can see the Future!**

What Do You Call A Murderer Who Likes Classic Rock?

Killer Queen

Q: How are women and rocks alike?

A: You skip the flat ones.

Why is it pointless to throw scissors in a game of rock-paper-scissors against an illegal immigrant?

Because they don’t have papers.

The dentist said that he could knock me out with gas, or he could use a big metallic rock.

I said ether/ore.

How can you tell when you've found a really good rock n roll band in Minnesota?





They have two accordions

"Peter," said Jesus, "you are my rock." Peter looked angry...

"I really wish you'd stop taking me for granite!"

What do you call a dog barking under some rocks?

A subwoofer

Not many people can tell you about both rock theory and astrophysics ...

But if you ask him nicely, Bryan May

I noticed that people under the age of 20 are strongly gravitating towards 60s classic rock by well-known bands, such as The Who.

I'm not trying to cause a big sensation, I'm just talking 'bout my generation.

I raise chickens humanely, and I only eat the ones that die from natural causes.

Rocks are natural, right?

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Did you hear about the woman who got drunk and slapped The Rock's butt?

She didn't realize it at the time, but she'd hit rock bottom.

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My wife stood before me with some items in front of her. Without a word, she emptied a large jar of mayonnaise and proceeded to fill the empty jar with rocks right to the top, then asked me if the jar was full. I agreed that it was.

She then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them in to the jar. She shook the jar lightly. My wife then asked me if the jar was now full. I agreed that, yes, it was.

She then poured a bag of sand into the jar with the result that the sand filled up the remaining spaces between the rocks an...

Rock climbing is not good for my mood swings.

Too many ups and downs.

a man named his son Rock Bottom

he ends up in jail a few years later for domestic abuse. his wife visits him and asks him through tears: “What happened? Why are you here?” The husband says: “I’ve hit Rock Bottom”

I tried rock cocaine today.

It wasn't all it's cracked up to be.

Why couldn’t the person lift the salt rock?

It was sodium heavy

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Three Chinese Tortures

One day, a man was lost walking through a dense forest. When it was getting dark he came across a secluded cabin in a clearing on top of a hill. He knocked on the door, and an ancient looking Chinese man answered the door.
“Please sir”, the man plead. “It is getting dark, and I’m lost. Could you ...

Read about a small accident involving young children digging up shiny rocks...

It was a minor miner, minor catastrophe.

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What’s the difference between a mail box and a rock?

No clue? Well. I guess you’ll make a shit mailman.

I entered a Twisted Sister lookalike contest and came in last place

I won a rock

How does The Rock pee?

He Dwaynes his Johnson.

There were three guys in an airplane. One guy dropped a rock, another dropped a brick, and the last dropped a grenade.

When they got back on the ground they were walking down the street and they saw a woman crying. Being the gentlemen they are they went up to ask her why she was crying she said: "A rock fell from the sky, landed on my cat and now my cat is dead." The men said they were very sorry to hear that and wa...

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What does The Rock call his penis?

Dwayne's Johnson

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Did you hear about the new Japanese rock band?

Of Rice and Yen

One space rock, said to the other space rock, “got any more gossip on the affair?” The other space rock replied, “yeah, turns out Carl’s mistress... is a man!”

Space rocks always love when the story gets meteor.

Trump wakes up, goes to the garden and starts picking up random rocks...

He picks a rock, carefuly examines it from from all sides, puts it back and then goes to find another one. After this has been going on for a couple of days, his cabinet starts to get nervous, so Pence calls Putin to see if he can help them.

"Hey Vlad! It's Mike. Listen, we have a little prob...

A new emerging rock band is having its first concert

To be sure that everything goes perfectly the group's manager decides to invite a well known concert critic: If he decided to come and the concert went well, that would've been their occasion to take off in the world of music

Incredibly the critic accepts their offering and is present in his ...

Interviewer: "Do you like rock 'n' roll"

Sisyphus: "Not even a bit."

How do you know you’ve hit Rock bottom?

When He turns around and smacks you back

A geologist discovers a giant rock that's 5280 feet across

It was quite the milestone

What type of rock do you find in the shed?

Shedimentary!

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If you slap Dwayne Johnsons ass

you’re hitting rock bottom

How do geologists get their rocks off?

By breaking them and staring at the resulting cleavage!

What did one geologist say to the other while they both stared down at a giant fissure in the rocks?

“I wonder whose fault this is.”

I’ve hit rock bottom...

...and got a restraining order from Dwayne Johnson because of it.

I was trying to practice on my guitar by playing some rock and the homeowners association gave me a written warning for the loud noise

Guess paper beats rock again

What is the electrician's favorite rock band?

AC/DC

They say you don't want to be stuck between a rock and a hard place

Tell that to Dwayne Johnson's balls

What do you call a rubber loop that you put rocks and bread into?

A rock and roll band.

Why where the cave people mad about their children playing with rocks all the time.

They wouldn't stop getting stoned, staring at tablets, and playing rock and roll all day.

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I keep seeing these “virginity rocks” stickers and I don’t get all the hype

If they’re anything like kidney stones they must suck pretty fucking bad.

What do you call the misguided act of worshipping mediocre products at rock-bottom prices?

I-Dollar-Tree

What do you call small rocks?

mini-rals.

(found a book of jokes my daughter wrote when she was 8...this was the best of the lot)

I watched a gripping rock-climbing documentary on netflix the other day

It was great but it ended on a cliffhanger

I saw a sign that said falling rocks,

so I tried it. It doesn't.

What do you call a rock that never goes to school?

A skipping stone

I like to think of Kurt Cobain as the ‘Michelangelo’ of Rock

Although he had a different approach to painting ceilings.

Where do rocks go when they die?

The sedimentary.

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Why does Jesus hate Christian rock?

#Because it fucking sucks.

Bought a pet rock. It looked lonely so I bought another. I dunno how, but they started breeding. Months later there was gravel and stones everywhere. I couldn't take it anymore and had enough.

Threw it all in a canvas sack, weighed it down with a couple of puppies, and tossed it in the river.

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My sexual desires have been getting out of control…

But it wasn’t until I spanked a statue that I knew I’d hit rock bottom…

What is President Trump's least favorite rock band?

Foreigner.

My boyfriend bought me a diamond ring

The stone was cut in the shape of a four leaf clover. I wore it all the time to show how much it meant to me.

One day, I got curious and had it valued at a jeweller's. Unfortunately they told me that my boyfriend had been swindled, as the diamond was actually a cubic zirconia.

It was ...

A man was caught in a river current and hanging on to some rocks in order to avoid being carried away.



Nasrudin and a friend noticed him, and the friend went up to him, extended his arm, and said, "Give me your hand so I can help you out."

The man, however, did not cooperate.

Nasrudin then asked the man what he did for a living.

"I collect taxes," the other replied.
...

What did the geologist say to his favorite gem?

You are my rock!

I met a rock salesman once.

He really took his money for granite.

All western rock classics are banned in North Korea.

Except ”Sweet Child in a Mine”

When I was 6, I had a magical rock that could write on cars...

My dad didn't like my magical rock...

A lava rock quit his job at the volcano today

Said they took him for granite.

Jon Bon Jovi was inducted into the Rock hall of fame

I asked him, "aren't you disappointed and ashamed you aren't in the more prestigious Rock & ***Roll*** hall of fame?"



He said "Woah, we're halfway there".

Soviet Russia used to have a leader who was also a singer in a rock band.

He's none other than John Lenin.

What is Sherlock Holmes' favorite kind of rock?

Sedimentary, my dear Watson.

The highway sign said, “Watch for falling rocks.”

And I thought, OK fine, but I only have 10 minutes.

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Ancient chinese torture

A man goes on a date with a hot chinese chick and crashes at her house, when her dad, Ling Bao, says:
"You can stay here for the night. Just one condition: don't sleep with my virgin daughter or I will give you the 3 worst forms of chinese torture".

The man agrees, but he ends up sleeping ...

Two fishermen were fishing off the rocks...

The first fishermen was catching fish so fast they we're practically jumping straight into his bucket.

The second fishermen asked the first what his secret was. To which the first responded.

I have no wife, or girlfriend, I am a very lonely man.

The first fishermen didn't unders...

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What's 10 inches long, hard as a rock, full of semen and makes all of the ladies scream?

The sock under my bed.

Why did the paper lose the race against the rock?

Because it was stationary.

During the annual cavemen conference ...

Greg : so I kept rubbing this rock against another rock until it became very thin and now I can cut vegetables,meat using this . I call this "The Knife" .

Chief Gogo : wow , I thought no-one can beat Gorg's invention of using wheat flour and water to create a new food called "bread" but yours...

Fidget spinners are useless

Says the generation that bought 1.5 million pet rocks.

A rock musician, a classical musician and a jazz musician are sitting together, drinking...

Rock musician talks about his recent band tour,
- "and after all taxes were paid and such, I was able to afford a nice little yacht from the remaining money."
The classical musician smiles and says,
- "Well, kinda nice. My orchestra sold so many records though, I was even able to afford ...

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Since the success of The Rock, fans suggest more wrestlers should participate in acting.

They are. It's called wrestling.

I’m planning to throw a rock at my grandma with dementia

She won’t know what hit her

Geology rocks, but geography is where it's at..

And geometry's a cute one too.

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Little Johnny is back

The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate', not 'fascinati...

What do you call a punk rock kid without a girlfriend?

Homeless.

Why does a Moon rock taste better than an Earth rock?

Because it's a little meteor.

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