Dinosaurs really got wiped out by a rock

Shoulda picked paper

What rock group has four men that don’t sing?

Mount Rushmore

Rock, Paper, Scissors!

The police just pulled me over and said, "Papers?", I said, "Scissors, I win!" and drove off. I think he wants a rematch-he's been chasing me for 45 minutes.

As a rock salesman, I've had great success with money.

Sometimes I take it for granite.

Why did Dwayne ‘the rock’ Johnson’s family get tested for COVID-19

They couldn’t smell what the rock was cooking.

If you apply enough heat and pressure to Kid Rock...

he turns into Neil Diamond.

A freighter carrying a shipment of whiskey from Scotland lost power and was blown onto the rocks in Nova Scotia. The entire cargo was lost.

it left no tern unstoned.

When you listen to rock backwards you hear satanic messages, what do you get when you listen to country music backwards?

Your wife back, your life back, and your dog back.

Rock climbing

You’re either on belay,

Or you Be Laying on the ground

(Thought of this while rock climbing today)

I was just outside Kiel when my boat hit a rock.

I radio the German Coastguard to inform them, "Mayday, mayday, mayday, we are sinking."

It was less than 3 seconds before the reply came through. "Ok, vat are you zinking about zat is so important to declare a mayday?"

I'm not good with conversations, so I practice talking to large rocks

It makes me boulder

Thieves broke into a house and stole a big vault but it's only filled with big rocks

Thieves are getting boulder and boulder

Rock of wisdom...

Man who walks in front of car gets tired. Man who walks behind car gets exhausted.

I always wondered why rock didn't beat paper in rock paper scissors

Turns out rock just couldn't cut it

How does The Rock pee?

He dwains his Johnson

I really like rock puns.

They're something we shouldn't take for granite. I mean, they are pretty solid.

Let's just face it, geology rocks!


PS: I just hit rock bottom, didn't I?

Just In: Tough Guys Start Work on New Rock Factory

Brave building builders build big boulder building building.

An American coastguard strikes a rock and begins to sink...

The only other vessel nearby was a German coastguard. The Americans contacted the Germans: "Mayday! Mayday! We're sinking! We're sinking!"

To which the Germans respond: "Zis is the German coastguard, what are you sinking about?"

A lion stands upon his rock and lets out a large roar

Immediately, every animal goes up to the lion and crowds around him.

"I have heard rumors from one of you," begins the lion. "I have heard rumors that one of you is trying to take the throne from me, the king of the savannah. As king, I suggest I have a fight with anyone who wants to take i...

I’m writing a rock song about a guy out at sea, looking down at another guy’s smaller yacht.

I’m going to call it “smirk on the water”.

Two cavemen are waiting at the doctor's office

The first says, "Me name Phil. Me get bee sting. Why you here?"

The second one, covered in blood, smiles and says, "Me name Mike. Me get hit by boulder during rock slide."

The first says, "That must hurt! Why you look so happy?"

The second says, "Me celebrating. It's Mike Ache D...

What rock would you find inside a garden shed?

Shedimentary.

What's the difference between a pork chop and a small rock entering Earth's atmosphere from space?

One's meaty, but the other is a little meteor.

An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life...

...when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

''Well, now,'' says the old lady, ''I guess I would like to be really rich.''

*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

''And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a...

What is Mike Tyson’s favorite rock band?

Kith

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what happens when you slap Dwayne johnson in the butt?

You hit rock bottom.

I named my pet rock after a wrestler

Stone Called Steve Austin

So I thought I'd start my own rock band

I wanted to call it The Rubber Band.

But I thought that was a bit of a stretch.

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Yesterday I went rock climbing and the guy above me kept farting.

It was by far the worst ass scent I’ve ever had to deal with.

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Do you think Dwayne "the rock" Johnson...

Calls his penis "Dwayne *The Cock* Johnson"?

I tried to buy a bucket for my metamorphic rocks.

But it wasn't for shale.

I was sad when I lost my rock collection.

It had a lot of sedimental value.

Why does everyone love The Rock?

Because he is so gneiss.

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What does a rock musician call oral sex?

Headbanging.

A contractor offered his client a choice of table tops made of various rock types.

Contractor: Here we’ve got some limestone. It’ll really bring the room together, man.

Client: I’m not too sure about that. It doesn’t wow me all that much.

Contractor: Well, I’ve got marble here. It’s pretty unique and could give you that one of a kind look you’re wanting.

Clien...

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The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock Cit...

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if you decide to slap a random black guys ass and it turns out to be Dwayne Johnson..

..you've really hit rock bottom

Every day as i walk to the bus stop I speak with a 93 year old man with alzheimers who sits on his rocking chair looking over his yard with a concerned expression.

He musters his strength and calls out to me "hey.. have y-you seen m-my wife?" And every day i have to tell him "I'm so sorry.. your wife has passed away 10 years ago". Ive considered not telling him but my mornings always feel better after I see the look of sheer joy on his face.

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What do you call a lady with a rock hard body having sex with a paper thin lady?

Rock scissors paper

Got a pet rock yesterday...

...I told him to roll over

Trust me you should never punch rocks

I found out the hard way

An archaeologist was in Jerusalem when he discovered a slab of rock with five figures on it: the Star of David, an ox, a shovel, an owl, and a woman.

"This is really fascinating," said the archaeologist. "This tells me a lot about ancient Hebrew culture. The Star of David tells me, of course, that they were a very religious people. The ox tells me that they used domesticated animals, such as oxen, to plow the fields. The shovel tells me that they...

What's the difference between a jazz guitarist and a rock guitarist?

A rock guitarist plays 10 chords for 50,000 people,and a jazz guitarist plays 50,000 chords for 10 people.

Why does The Rock decides to leave WWE?

He heard that The Paper was contesting...

I won a contest to name our zoo’s new Elephant. So in the spirit of Bob Seger, I named him Rock and Roll.

Because Rock and Roll never forgets.

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Tom walks on the street

Tom walks on the street and sees an old friend in a hurry with his hands full of books.

"Hey Dave. Long time no see. Where are you going with all those books?"

"I just enrolled in a university and I'm going home to study."

"And what are you studying?"

"Logic"

"Logi...

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I was riding a donkey the other day when someone threw a rock at me and I fell off.

I guess I was stoned off my ass.

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke, but the bartender hands him an apple.

"What the hell is this? I ordered a rum and coke," the guy protests.

"Just take a bite of the apple," says the bartender. So, the guy bites the apple, and his eyes light up.

"Hey this apple tastes just like rum! What did you soak it in it?"

The bartender tells him, "Turn it arou...

I have a friend who was obsessed with the moon.

Lunar cycles, werewolf lore, eclipse dates, he knew all about them and then some. The really strange part was he focused solely on the moon in this way, no other part of space.

Made him easy to shop for though. Werewolf movies, moon pies, he'd love them just for being tangentially connected t...

A Test of Faith

A Catholic priest, a Buddhist monk and a Jehovah's witness, tired of the endless debates, decided to prove amongst themselves which faith was the real one, once and for all.

All three decided on the test:
They must each, one after the other, jump off a tall, steep cliff, and chant the ...

The Oblivious Miner

A miner moves out to Colorado. Having spent a few years in California, he has a pretty good idea of the sort of lifestyle miner's live; up from dusk 'til dawn in the mines, and then from dawn 'til dusk drinking, playing card games and occasionally have some great night with them lady(or ladies).
...

Back in caveman days, all we had were clubs and rocks. And doors hadn't even been invented yet...

...we had to tell each other "thump thump" jokes!

There were three guys in an airplane. One guy dropped a rock, another dropped a brick, and the last dropped a grenade.

When they got back on the ground, they were walking down the street and saw a woman crying. Being the gentlemen they were, they went up to ask her why she was crying.
She said- "A rock fell from the sky, landed on my cat, and now my cat is dead."
The men said they were very sorry to here tha...

Geology rocks...

but geography is where its at.

What would you call a progressive rock band that plays psychedelic Spanish guitar on your front lawn?

Pink Flamenco

I searched up "rock music" on the interwebs the other day and got nothing.

I suppose it's because rocks don't usually sing.

A guy asked me if I could name a better prog-rock band than RUSH.

I said Yes.

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Peter, one of the 12 apostles is walking through Jerusalem.....

He rounds a corner and comes upon a mob about to stone a poor woman to death . The mob believe woman is a prostitute and should be killed. Peter springs to action putting himself between the mob and the woman and shouts " Stop at once and let he who is without sin cast the first stone!" Immediately...

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Odin and Thor were walking through a canyon with a large group of warriors when Odin stopped Thor and signaled him to be quiet and listen.

After a moment, Odin shouted into the wilderness, “IS THAT YOU, VAL?”

Thor stood waiting and listenin, then whispered, “All-Father, I didn’t hear anything.”

Odin replied, “I thought I heard Val holla.”

Thor listened again. “What did Val say?”

Odin replied, “It was just...

My friend asked if I would ever date the queen of rock, Tina

I was like hell yeah! I’d never Turner down!

My boyfriend bought me a diamond ring The stone was cut in the shape of a four leaf clover. I wore it all the time to show how much it meant to me.

One day, I got curious and had it valued at a jeweller's. Unfortunately they told me that my boyfriend had been swindled, as the diamond was actually a cubic zirconia.

It was a sham rock.

A baby seal walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “What’ll it be?”

The baby seal answers, “Anything but a Canadian Club on the rocks.”

My pet rock has started talking and asked me how babies were made.

I told him I would explain when he was a little boulder!

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Chuck Norris injected his blood into a monkey, a fish, and a lizard.

These are now known as King Kong, Jaws, and Godzilla.

What every athlete says after winning: "First of all, I'd like to thank Chuck Norris for not competing."

Chuck can eat Chinese food with one chopstick.

Chuck threw a few rocks into the Pacific Ocean. These are now known as Ha...

Did you hear about that crook that was stealing guitars from classic rock stars?

He was locked up for Petty thievery.

Why do Rock Stars wear mascara?

200% more volume.

What do rocks and girls have in common?

The flat ones get skipped

Why do movies with Kevin Hart and Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson pairing do well in the box office?

Because they have a little Hart and a big Johnson

What's the difference between rock and stone?

You won't end up in jail for rocking someone to sleep

Three tortoises go for a picnic

Three tortoises, Rodney, Roger and Gary, decide to go on a picnic.
Rodney packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is that the picnic site is 10 miles away. So, it takes them 10 days to get there.
When they get there Rodney unpacks the food and beer.
"Ok Gary give me th...

I was surprised to learn that stepping on a crack really breaks your mama's back and stepping on a line really breaks your father spine

Unfortunately for me, my sister just stepped on a rock

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One Marine (long)

Out in the middle of the Afghan desert, a whole camp of Taliban soldiers doing whatever Talibans do on their slow days.

Suddenly, the company commander hears this voice yell out "one Marine is better than one-hunert Talibans!". It seems to be coming from behind a rock formation off in the dis...

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For those of you that never heard an ending to Bender's joke from the movie The Breakfast Club.

A naked blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm and a two foot salami under the other. She sets the poodle down on the bar and the bartender says "I suppose you won't be needing a drink." The blonde says "as a matter of fact, make it a double scotch on the rocks! I was just drying off af...

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A man and his wife of more than 50 years were rocking back and forth on the front porch

Slowly they rocked in rhythm, as this was their time to spend a few quiet moments and after years of practice they rocked to the same pace.

Suddenly the wife stopped, grabbed her cane, and with a loud and hard WHACK hit her husband across the shins.

His eyes watered and tears ran down ...

My angry egghead maths teacher hit his head on a rock today.

I think he finally cracked...

Why did the space rock eat the hamburger?

It wanted to be meteor.

People say they like rock and roll,

But I like the opposite, paper and slide is my jam

What do you get when you cross the ultimate jam band with the ultimate cheesy arena rock band?

Phish Styx

Why did the space rock break up?

It couldn’t comet.

What is Magneto's favourite rock music genre?

Heavy Metal

I formed a rock group called the elastics, things aren't going so well so far though,

We have one song and it's band.

Trump wakes up, goes to the garden and starts picking up random rocks...

He picks a rock, carefuly examines it from from all sides, puts it back and then goes to find another one. After this has been going on for a couple of days, his cabinet starts to get nervous, so Pence calls Putin to see if he can help them.

"Hey Vlad! It's Mike. Listen, we have a little prob...

Why did the Rock divorce his wife?

It's because she was taking him for granite.

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Do you know the similarities between a stripper and a rock?

You skip the flat ones

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The sexiest mythological creature is Medusa

Whenever I see her I get rock hard

A woman is giving birth on a boat

The baby comes out, but a sudden wave causes the boat to rock and the child is sent tumbling overboard into the ocean. The parents are horrified, until they see that the child is miraculously floating in the water, completely unharmed.

It’s a buoy.

A boy was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch in the rocking chair with nothing on from the waist down.

A boy was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch in the rocking chair with nothing on from the waist down.

“Grandpa, what are you doing?” he asked.

The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.

“Grandpa, what are you doing sit...

What do you call a gunship playing rock and roll?

An AC-DC130

What do you call a beached russian submarine

Whiskey on the Rocks

My friend and I were hiking.

Me: "That's a huge rock over there!"

Him: "Boulder."

Me: **"That's a huge rock over there."**

What do rocks use for personal hygiene?

Geoderant!

Many of my friends worry about little piles of rocks they have stashed all over the planet, but not me...

...I don't have a cairn in the world.

Schizophrenia is nothing to joke about

That's what my pet rock told me

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NSFW Two elderly ladies are rocking on the porch of the old folks home.

With a reminiscent look on her face, one of the old ladies says to the other,

"Oh Martha I was just thinking:
Do you remember the minuet?

"Oh for goodness sakes Henrietta. I can even remember the men I fucked!"

What's the secret to your happy marriage?

The future son in law asks his future father in law.

He replies:

Well son, I took my new wife to the Grand canyon for our honeymoon. We rented mules to go down into the canyon. About a ¼ mile in the mule my betrothed was on steped into a hole on the trail and almost threw her. She whis...

100% rock-solid proof that Trump laundered Russian mob money through the Trump Organization:

\[removed by Federal government\]

My neighbor likes to make a big deal about how SOME people prefer listening to rock music that's made using only a guitars, drums, and vocals. At first I thought he was just an opinionated music listener but...

I'm starting to think he's a bassist.

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(Censored version so it doesn’t get taken down again) Three men climb to the top of a tall mountain

Suddenly, it begins raining, therefore the three men won’t be able to get back down safely until the rain stops. Suddenly, a genie appears and informs the men that if they name an object, they will be able to jump off the mountain and land on that object. “Pillows,” says the first man. The man then ...

My career as a professional rock climber is going great, but I'm also taking a course in mattress-making.

Just so I've got something to fall back on.

Sher-Rock

What did Sherrock say to his roommate?

It's Sedimentary, Watson.

Trump ends up in hell...

Trump dies from the virus. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as...

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Things I've learned from video games

My mother has been fucked to death many times.

I'm really a cigarette in disguise.

I'm also actually of African descent, my father will be very upset to find that one out. Though my real father is probably one of those random people who fucked her to death.

A lot of people are m...

Getting the gig.

There was a last-minute New Year’s Eve gig that opened up, that was taken by a tuba player and a banjo player.

They rocked the house all night, and when the gig was ending, the host asked if they would do the gig the following year.

The banjo player said, “ We’d LOVE to!!! … Can we lea...

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Singles on a deserted island

A luxury cruise ship offered a cruise for young singles only. But halfway through the voyage, the ship crashed. The Captain had been having a affair and didn't see the giant rock formation. The cruise ship went down in record time (as did the Captain). Most people on board were too drunk to act fast...

A Girl asked me what my birthstone was

It's rock bottom

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As Jesus is hanging on the cross he calls out to St Peter

"Peter, my rock upon which I will build my church I have to tell you something"

"Yes Lord" and Peter starts to climb the cross. A Roman soldier comes by and says "You're not supposed to be up there". WHACK... cuts off one of his legs.

Peter tumbles to the ground in agony.

Jesus ...

Me: "What do you call a big rock?"

Person: "Boulder."

**Me:** **"What do you call a big rock?"**

The deep hole [PG]

Two guys, Jim and Dwight, were out for a hike. While on their jaunt they came across a pitch black hole the size of a minivan. Amazed Dwight walked carefully to the edge. He looked into the utter darkness and exclaimed "Woah! Hey Jim, how deep do you think this goes??"


Jim saunt...

They said Elvis was the King of rock and roll, but do you know who the Queen is?

Elizabeth II

A priest who came to a village in Africa which was very ignorant, was trying to educate the natives.

While he preached every morning that people should do good and be kind to each other, he would try to teach English to the head of the tribe in the afternoon. One day the priest took the chief with him and started walking
Meanwhile, he was trying to increase the knowledge of the chief by saying t...

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NSFW NSFL A dude want to grow a big one

While visiting a nude sauna, man#1 notices another man with probe down to his knees. Amazed and shocked, decided to ask or advice.

How did you get it so long?
Well... you tie a 5lbs weight to it and wait a week.

In a week there is no improvement. Dude decides to tie a 5 gallon buck...

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Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of...

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Sorting out my shit for me! [Long]

Moe owns a bar, and he has been finding it really hard to manage the bar and take care of his personal life. Things are just piling up and getting on top of him. Recently his Aunt got divorced and so she has been sitting at the end of the bar drinking away his profits, his Rottweiler Chomper has jus...

Who was the hottest woman in Greek mythology?

Medusa...one look from her made guys rock hard.

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A man driving down the road sees a sign in front of a house that says “$5 for talking dog”

The man is perplexed and decides to pull over to investigate. After parking he walks up to the porch where a man is sitting in a rocking chair enjoying the day.

The driver asks “I saw your sign about a talking dog? Where can I see this dog?”

To which the man rocking simply points to th...

The Rock and his family just got diagnosed with Covid-19

No one at his home can smell what he's cooking tonight.

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