Dinosaurs really got wiped out by a rock

Shoulda picked paper

Don't date rocks

They'll take you for granite

What rock group has 4 men who don't sing?

Mount Rushmore

Geology rocks but geography is where it's at...

What did the tectonic plates say when they bumped into each other?


My fault, sorry!

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To the jerk that threw the rock through my window:

You must *really* hate Dwayne Johnson.

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch...

"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'...

What do you get when an industrial rock band invents a gaming console?

A NINtendo

Rock, Paper, Scissors!

The police just pulled me over and said, "Papers?", I said, "Scissors, I win!" and drove off. I think he wants a rematch-he's been chasing me for 45 minutes.

Aside from King Crimson, did any other seminal progressive rock bands form in London in 1968?

Yes

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An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years.

He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner.

“Check this out!" he happily exclaimed. "What do you think we should do with it?"

With one eye open, his wife replied, “Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, it would be a good time to wa...

Classic Rock and Roll Trivia

I learned today that 3 of the guys who performed on "Rosanna" and "Africa" also played on "Dust in the Wind". Music journalist asked them why they joined the new band and they said

"Toto? We aren't in Kansas anymore".

What's dumber than a box of rocks?

...the hippie trying to sell them



and that my friends, as a geologist, is my favorite rock joke.

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Two fishermen, George and Ted, were leaving the docks one morning when they saw a gorgeous naked woman sitting on a rock. The woman was singing in a lovely soprano voice and doing nothing to cover her perfect breasts.

Figuring the woman was a mermaid, they rowed their boat over to her.

"You have such a gorgeous voice," said George. "Are you a mermaid?"

"Yes," replied the mermaid. "Whenever a mermaid sees a human she likes, she usually grants him three wishes. But since there are three of us, I think...

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little Johny is Back

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my grandpa's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinat...

A couples happy married life almost went on the rocks because of the presence in the household of old Aunt Emma.

For seventeen long years she lived with them, always crotchety, always demanding.
Finally the old girl passed away.
On the way back from the cemetery, the husband confessed to his wife, "Darling, if I didn't love you so much, I don't think I would have put up with having your Aunt Emma in the ...

Went to a rock concert awhile ago…

Pre-COVID of course, and it was absolutely jam-packed, people standing shoulder to shoulder, just enjoying the music. My friend standing next to me turned his head slightly
and said : totally awesome concert but I’m needing to go toilet and it’s so busy what am I gonna do?

I replied: pee ...

A few years ago I started a journal of different rocks I've found in the wilderness. For a while I was stuck with 68 entries, until I finally found number 69...

**Gneiss!**

Did you hear about the rock that faced his greatest fear?

He is now a little boulder.

I rocked up to a party the other night and was having a great time.

I got a bit tipsy and looked down at my wrist, my watch was missing. So off I go out the front to see if I dropped it. I get out there and I see this drunk guy screaming at his gf, I look down and he's crushing my watch under his foot. I ran straight over and punched him out cold. You don't mistreat...

The Rock

How does The Rock pee ??

He Dwaynes his Johnson.

What was Beethoven's favorite rock song?

\-

\-

*Bonn to be Wild*

Why did the farmer start a rock band?

Because he was tired of haulin oats

I saw this rock and I was wondering why it was coming closer,

But then it hit me.

A seal walks into a bar...

The bartender asks, “ What would you like?”

"Anything but a Canadian Club on the rocks."

Somebody threw a rock at me with bgna written on it

That's bang out of order

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You know you've hit rock bottom...

When you slap a statue's ass.

I love Rock's acting in all his movies, I wonder where he got his acting skills from...

Oh he was in WWE.

[NSFW] What would you call Dwayne Johnsons boyfriend?

Rock bottom.

There is a street corner where hookers wait around to be picked up

On a light post nearby a parrot is hanging around. As he watches he says, “Same old hookers, same old clients”

This is bad for business so one of the hookers get mad at the parrot and throws a rock at him. He falls down onto the ground. The next morning a nun is walking and sees the parrot. ...

Why did Dwayne ‘the rock’ Johnson’s family get tested for COVID-19

They couldn’t smell what the rock was cooking.

I spend the mornings in my rocking chair, and in the afternoon I go out in my wheelchair.

I’ve got a real rock ‘n’ roll lifestyle.

What’s big, red, and eats rocks?

A big red rock eater.

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A man and his wife are on their bed one night

Their marriage has been on the rocks lately, and the wife blames it on the newfound piousness of the husband. Even now, she's trying to sleep early for work tomorrow but the man still has the lamp on; reading his bible in silence.

She didn't mind it at first, but then her husband started losi...

The Rock is divorcing his wife..

Because she takes him for granite.

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"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. "You always feel like you have to pee.

"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day waiting for the arrival and nothin...

What is a French Mushroom’s favourite rock song?

We Are The Champignons

I used to think that crystal girls where stupid.

All their talk about how crystals would "align their chakras and give them powers" made me think they were dumb.

How could a rock give them powers?

But then I tried crack.

If you apply enough heat and pressure to Kid Rock...

he turns into Neil Diamond.

What's a pirate's favourite 60's rock band?

C C Arrrrrrrr

In the future, Donald Trump passes away from a heart attack.

He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil." You're on my list, but I have no room for you.

You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as yo...

the worm protector of the world

there’s this worm guarding the world, let’s call him Nate. Nate’s amazing. he’s been around for all of time, protecting the lever on a side of a mountain that’s always been “on”. Nate’s never let it switch to “off”, and that’s a good thing.

Nate is famous, as he should be, and although there...

I just learned that "Space Rock" is a genre, and is slightly disappointing,

that no one just called it "Asteroid"

A freighter carrying a shipment of whiskey from Scotland lost power and was blown onto the rocks in Nova Scotia. The entire cargo was lost.

it left no tern unstoned.

An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life...

...when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

''Well, now,'' says the old lady, ''I guess I would like to be really rich.''

*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

''And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a...

Why are moon rocks tastier than earth rocks?

Because they’re meteor!

I'm not good with conversations, so I practice talking to large rocks

It makes me boulder

Rock of wisdom...

Man who walks in front of car gets tired. Man who walks behind car gets exhausted.

As a rock salesman, I've had great success with money.

Sometimes I take it for granite.

Hey have you heard of the sommeliers that formed a rock band?

They're called *Effervescence*. Their hit singles include *"My Last Breathalyzer Test"* and *"Bring Me More Wine"*. And who could forget *"Lacrymismosa"*?

I really like rock puns.

They're something we shouldn't take for granite. I mean, they are pretty solid.

Let's just face it, geology rocks!


PS: I just hit rock bottom, didn't I?

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Those who jump into the valley of wishes speaking what they desire shall wake up having their wishes granted.

3 men arrived at the valley.

The first man was a really horny one. He shouted "Hot girls!" as he jumped down. He then woke up surrounded by a sea of the most beautiful women. He was so happy.

The second man was a geek. He shouted "Books!" as he jumped down. He then woke up surrounded...

When you listen to rock backwards you hear satanic messages, what do you get when you listen to country music backwards?

Your wife back, your life back, and your dog back.

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Why are guitarists good strippers?

They know how to rock a G string

The Piano Player

Once, there lived a man, who was very good at playing the piano, and he became very rich from all of the concerts he played at. Eventually, he saved enough money to buy himself a large mansion. He was very excited at this. He packed up all of his belongings, including his enormous grand piano, and p...

Thieves broke into a house and stole a big vault but it's only filled with big rocks

Thieves are getting boulder and boulder

Went on a date with Medusa…

It was awkward. I was rock hard the whole time.

A man is walking down the street, when he notices that his grandfather is sitting on the porch in a rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing?" the man exclaims. The old man looks off in the distance and does not answer his grandson. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asks again. The old man slyly looks at him and says, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shi...

A man and a Rock walks into a bar

The bartender asks: what can I get you

The man says: ginger ale on the rock

The bartender asks: do you mean on the rocks?

The Rock says: no he doesn’t

The gf and I froze solid on top of a cliff in Antarctica while arguing and then both fell off simultaneously and crashed to the rocks far below.

then we broke up

Rock climbing

You’re either on belay,

Or you Be Laying on the ground

(Thought of this while rock climbing today)

I was just outside Kiel when my boat hit a rock.

I radio the German Coastguard to inform them, "Mayday, mayday, mayday, we are sinking."

It was less than 3 seconds before the reply came through. "Ok, vat are you zinking about zat is so important to declare a mayday?"

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Dear Mom and Dad

We are having a great time here at Camp CatchaCough. Our Scoutmaster is making us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away.
Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain look...

What did Velma say when she found out Fred got his rocks off making traps?

“Kinkies”

Repeat Customer

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"...

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I slapped Dwayne Johnson's ass.

I guess I've hit Rock Bottom.

What is Mike Tyson’s favorite rock band?

Kith

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2 Southern belles

Two Southern Belles are sittin’ on the veranda,

when one points at the big shiny car in the driveway, and says, “my Daddy bought me that brand-new Cadillac”.

The other nods, sips her julep, and says, “how nice”.

They rock back and forth on the porch swing a moment, and the first...

I always wondered why rock didn't beat paper in rock paper scissors

Turns out rock just couldn't cut it

What's the difference between a pork chop and a small rock entering Earth's atmosphere from space?

One's meaty, but the other is a little meteor.

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Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered man sighs and lowers his arms "I am prepared, my son. I have been freed from Earthly desires and acheived inner peace. I wish for nothing more than to move on to m...

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Yesterday I went rock climbing and the guy above me kept farting.

It was by far the worst ass scent I’ve ever had to deal with.

A cowboy rides into a small town, hunting a notorious outlaw.

In an effort to figure out where the outlaw might be taking shelter for the night, the cowboy asks the opinion of the local saloon keeper.


The saloon keep says:

"Well, if he's riding northwest I'd put my money on him passing by Gutstab Gulch and-"


"Hold on now, Gut Stab ...

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An Arab has a rendezvous with a British soldier, and they plan to trek across the desert to a secret military base.

"Come on my friend," says the Arab, "We must trek across the desert. The food here is the poorest in the world, so we must make haste. Would you like one of my camels?"

"No I don't want a camel." says the Brit. He starts walking.

Confused, the Arab knows it's a long trip to where they ...

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I have an unhealthy sexual attraction towards figures in Greek mythology ever since

\
I laid my eyes on Medusa. Been rock hard ever since.

Swaggering Kid

An eight-year-old kid swaggered into the lounge and demanded of the barmaid, "Give me a double Scotch on the rocks." "What do you want to do, get me in trouble?" the barmaid asked. "Maybe later," the kid said. "Right now, I just want the Scotch."

I’m writing a rock song about a guy out at sea, looking down at another guy’s smaller yacht.

I’m going to call it “smirk on the water”.

So I thought I'd start my own rock band

I wanted to call it The Rubber Band.

But I thought that was a bit of a stretch.

What rock would you find inside a garden shed?

Shedimentary.

Trump wakes up, goes to the garden and starts picking up random rocks...

He picks a rock, carefuly examines it from from all sides, puts it back and then goes to find another one. After this has been going on for a couple of days, his cabinet starts to get nervous, so Pence calls Putin to see if he can help them.

"Hey Vlad! It's Mike. Listen, we have a little prob...

In church I heard an old lady saying a prayer

It was so sweet and sincere that I just had to share with you:-
"Dear Lord,
This has been a tough couple of years.
You have taken my favourite actor Patrick Swayze.
My favourite pop singer Michael Jackson.
My favourite Blues artist BB King.
My favourite actress Elizabeth Taylor....

A Rabbi, a priest, and a preacher are out in a boat one day.

The rabbi tells the two he’s hungry, so he steps out of the boat and walks across the water to land, where he claims his snack.


Shortly later the priest decides he’s thirsty, so like the rabbi, steps out the boat and walks across the water to land, getting a bottle of water.


Th...

I was sad when I lost my rock collection.

It had a lot of sedimental value.

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Jesus went unto the mount of Olives. And the scribes and Pharisees brought unto him a woman taken in adultery; and when they had set her in the midst, they said unto him this woman was taken in adultery, in the very act.

Now Moses in the law commanded us, that such should be stoned: but what sayest thou?

And Jesus said unto them, *Let any one of you who is without sin cast the first stone.*

At this, those who had heard turned to leave; but one woman picked up a rock and threw it with great force at th...

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George Bush dies and goes to hell

Satan is already waiting for him.

'Well, I don't know what to do. See, you're on my list, but I have no free rooms for you. But you, you definitely have to stay in hell, so I'll have to find a solution. There are a few people here who aren't as bad as you are... I guess I'll let one go and yo...

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Two brothers Matt and John go camping in the woods

When they arrive where they want to camp, they make dinner, have a few beers, but realize they forgot one of their two one-person tents at home. They decide to play rock/paper/scissors to see who gets to sleep in the tent and who has to sleep outside. Matt wins and so they both climb in their sleepi...

Why does everyone love The Rock?

Because he is so gneiss.

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A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home.

He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief: "This is a tree."


The chief looks at the tree and grunts: "Tree."


The missionary is plea...

I named my pet rock after a wrestler

Stone Called Steve Austin

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An old Irish guy retires and moves to the country…

An old Irish guy retires and moves to the country, he visits the local pub on the Saturday night, orders 3 pints which the barman pulls. The old guy drinks the 3 pints then leaves. Same thing the next week and the next. On the 4th week, the barman knowing his routine says, if you just give me a n...

The new priest

A new priest was nervous before his first sermon, so the monseigneur told him to have a bit of a drink before mass to take off the edge.

The new priest took the advice. After the sermon he returned to the rectory to find a note. It read:

Good sermon today, but a few small points:
<...

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Do you think Dwayne "the rock" Johnson...

Calls his penis "Dwayne *The Cock* Johnson"?

I tried to buy a bucket for my metamorphic rocks.

But it wasn't for shale.

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What happens when you touch Dwayne Johnson’s Butt?-

You hit rock bottom.

Two cavemen are waiting at the doctor's office

The first says, "Me name Phil. Me get bee sting. Why you here?"

The second one, covered in blood, smiles and says, "Me name Mike. Me get hit by boulder during rock slide."

The first says, "That must hurt! Why you look so happy?"

The second says, "Me celebrating. It's Mike Ache D...

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I was riding a donkey the other day when someone threw a rock at me and I fell off.

I guess I was stoned off my ass.

Every day as i walk to the bus stop I speak with a 93 year old man with alzheimers who sits on his rocking chair looking over his yard with a concerned expression.

He musters his strength and calls out to me "hey.. have y-you seen m-my wife?" And every day i have to tell him "I'm so sorry.. your wife has passed away 10 years ago". Ive considered not telling him but my mornings always feel better after I see the look of sheer joy on his face.

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If the fly would only drop six inches

Once upon a time there was a fish swimming in a river when it sees a huge fly above the water. The fish thinks to itself, "Man, if that fly would just drop six inches I could jump up and get a meal!"

Well on the bank of the river is a bear. The bear sees the fish watching the fly and thinks t...

A geologist was driving down a country road

A geologist was driving down a country road when he saw this beautiful rock formation. He pulled over to get a closer look. As he was admiring the rock, an old farmer drove up. The geologist asked if he knew how long the rock had been here.

The farmer says "in fact, I do! It's a million and ...

Santa Singh in Chandigarh

Santa Singh was visiting Chandigarh for the first time. He wanted to see the Rock Garden.


Unfortunately, he couldn't find it, so he asked a police officer for directions, "Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Rock Garden?"


The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus st...

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What does a rock musician call oral sex?

Headbanging.

There was a famous pianist

There was a famous pianist that was moving to a new mansion he had just bought. He had with him two removalist trucks. One had all his personal belongings and furniture and the second had his favourite piano in it.

As they were travelling to the mansion they passed by a quarry. As they were ...

What's the difference between a jazz guitarist and a rock guitarist?

A rock guitarist plays 10 chords for 50,000 people,and a jazz guitarist plays 50,000 chords for 10 people.

Back in caveman days, all we had were clubs and rocks. And doors hadn't even been invented yet...

...we had to tell each other "thump thump" jokes!

Geology rocks...

but geography is where its at.

Pick-Up Line Comebacks

Man: "Haven't we met before?"Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So, wanna go...

Between a 200-pound woman and a 200-pound rock, which is heavier?

The woman. She lied about her weight.

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3 men are standing on a cliff near the ocean.

Suddenly, a genie appears and says: "I can turn you into anything you want, if you jump off this cliff. Just say what you want to transform into after jumping, and I will work my magic."

The first man jumps, and shouts:

"Seagull!"

He then transforms into a seagull, and flies awa...

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What do you call a lady with a rock hard body having sex with a paper thin lady?

Rock scissors paper

What do rocks and girls have in common?

The flat ones get skipped

Why are geology museums made of glass?

To keep people from throwing the rocks.

An alcoholic sees a blonde nurse

An alcoholic walks into a nurses office. The blonde nurse asks "What seems to be the problem?". So the alcoholic says "I've been having a rough, scratchy feeling in my throat lately". She asks "Well that do you mostly eat and drink?". He replies "Mostly scotch". The alcoholic sees the nurses' eyes w...

Why does The Rock decides to leave WWE?

He heard that The Paper was contesting...

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke, but the bartender hands him an apple.

"What the hell is this? I ordered a rum and coke," the guy protests.

"Just take a bite of the apple," says the bartender. So, the guy bites the apple, and his eyes light up.

"Hey this apple tastes just like rum! What did you soak it in it?"

The bartender tells him, "Turn it arou...

A contractor offered his client a choice of table tops made of various rock types.

Contractor: Here we’ve got some limestone. It’ll really bring the room together, man.

Client: I’m not too sure about that. It doesn’t wow me all that much.

Contractor: Well, I’ve got marble here. It’s pretty unique and could give you that one of a kind look you’re wanting.

Clien...

What do rocks use for personal hygiene?

Geoderant!

Trust me you should never punch rocks

I found out the hard way

An archaeologist was in Jerusalem when he discovered a slab of rock with five figures on it: the Star of David, an ox, a shovel, an owl, and a woman.

"This is really fascinating," said the archaeologist. "This tells me a lot about ancient Hebrew culture. The Star of David tells me, of course, that they were a very religious people. The ox tells me that they used domesticated animals, such as oxen, to plow the fields. The shovel tells me that they...

Bill Cosby walks out of prison...

..and gets on a bus, and rides it to a long rock wall. Next to a big oak, he finds a letter.

He follows it to Mexico, where he finds Jeffrey Epstein working on his boat.

Got a pet rock yesterday...

...I told him to roll over

A guy asked me if I could name a better prog-rock band than RUSH.

I said Yes.

What would you call a progressive rock band that plays psychedelic Spanish guitar on your front lawn?

Pink Flamenco

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