What do rap fans and classic rock fans have in common?

They both have to worry about their favorite artist dying before the concert

What rock group has four men that don't sing?

Mount Rushmore.

What do rocks and girls have in common?

The flat ones get skipped.

How does a rock pee?

He Dwaynes his Johnson

What's it called when you beat up a rock

Bassalt

My rock collection isn't worth much...

But it has sedimental value

How did the rock climber lose his friend?

He cut ties with him.

What do you call British Rock and Roll?

Stone and Scone

I found a baby locked in a hot car at a Texas grocery store so I tried to throw a rock through the window.

Turns out, the window was down.

I ruined that baby's whole week.

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Did you hear about the man who got hit by rocks while riding a donkey?

He was stoned off his ass...

Petition to start a rock season in the mountains...

Please don't take this for granite.

Geology rocks...

But Geography is where it's at!

Why do Moon Rocks taste better than Earth Rocks?

Because they're a little Meteor

Why did the farmer start a punk rock band?

Because he was tired of haulin' oats

Trump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let ...

Rock music and Cooking

Did you know the rock band Aerosmith wrote a Chinese cookbook?


It's called Wok This Way

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Two men are walking through the desert and stumble across a big rock

- Hey, what a weird rock!

- Yes, it looks like a pyramid!

They both dig and discover a huge pyramid.

- Shit! It's a giant pyramid!

- What do we do with this?

- We should notify the American archaeological team. These people are professional and I'm sure they'l...

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A team of archaeologists were working in Jerusalem when they found a slab of rock with five figures carved on it.

In order the figures were:

1) A Woman. 2) A Donkey. 3) A Shovel. 4) A Fish. 5) A Star of David.

After months of studying the rock and figures on it, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were several thousands of years old but even so they revealed a...

Dad joke: What did the rock say to the scissors?

I’m Dwayne The Rock Johnson.

Sorry.

A moss covered rock finds out he needs to wake up at 4AM for his new job

"Wow, that's a bit early for my lichen"

I named my pet rock "Rocky".

Not because it's a rock, but because it has difficulty speaking.

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What happens when you slap Dwayne Johnson’s butt?

You hit Rock Bottom

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Why doesn't Jesus like Christian rock music?







Because it fucking sucks

A man was murdered with a frozen rock.

The police eventually caught the stone cold killer.

I discovered a new way to cut rocks and concrete super fast and effortless

It was a ground breaking discovery.

Just threw a rock 5280 feet.

That’s a real milestone.

What rock band is the neatest?

OC/DC

What is "Rock Bottom" for you?

I came to the realization that I've hit Rock Bottom today, when I found I had gone to Hooters specifically for the food.

When looking at rocks, what does Sherlock say?

It’s Sedimentary my dear Watson.

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Two hillbillys are sitting on the porch in rocking chairs.

The 1st hillbilly says "I'M BORED'....

So the second hillbilly says.. "I'll tell you whut....I'm gonna think of something... but I'm not gonna tell you what I'm thinkin...and then you get to ask me Three questions... then after three questions....you gotta guess what I'm thinkin'...."
...

Why are big rocks braver than small rocks?

Because they're boulder.

How do you punish your pet rock?

“You hit rock bottom”

I bought fake rocks

Shamrocks

I was home-schooled and practically lived under a rock.

Knowledge is power!

My pet rock has a receding hairline

He’s a little boulder

I want to write a rock opera about Rosa Parks; to be performed by AC/DC.

It'll be called Black in Back.

The dentist said that he could knock me out with gas, or he could use a big metallic rock.

I said ether/ore.

What do you call a vegan who likes prog rock?

Tom Soya

Trump wakes up, goes to the garden and starts picking up random rocks...

He picks a rock, carefuly examines it from from all sides, puts it back and then goes to find another one. After this has been going on for a couple of days, his cabinet starts to get nervous, so Pence calls Putin to see if he can help them.

"Hey Vlad! It's Mike. Listen, we have a little prob...

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A rock band was booed by the crowd.

The drum player and the bass player drink in a bar, depressed as fuck, trying to figure out what went wrong.
'It's probably the stage sound', the bass player suggests. 'That engineer can't mix shit in a bowl, let alone sound.'
'Come on, we've had worse. At least the monitors were working.'...

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A man is lost in the woods and it is getting dark.

As he walks through the woods he comes across a small cabin. He goes up to the cabin and knocks on the door. An old Chinese man opens it. 

“I’m lost in the woods and I need somewhere to stay for the night,” the man said. “Can I please stay here?” 

“Sure,” said the Chinese man. “But as ...

I’ve opened up a gym helping ageing rock bands get back into shape. It’s going okay so far...

Just working out the Kinks.

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Did you hear about the new Will Smith/Dwayne Johnson movie?

They play star-crossed lovers in the 1920s who are both struggling with a crisis of faith at their sexuality. The working title is:

"Dwayne Will Rock Smith's Johnson"

I was tempted to make a violent rock pun

But some people don't like joking about basalt

What did the miner say when blowing up rocks and discovering a gold vein?

Wow. This blew up! Thanks for the gold, kind nature!

Who had The Rock never beaten in his career?

Paper

What kind of rock isn't really a rock?

A shamrock.

So last year I started a tradition, I carry a pebble and throw it at anyone who sings Christmas songs before December....

I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.

Two men in the woods

These 2 guys are out walking through the woods, they come upon a clearing with a big hole in the middle of it. The first guy says to the second "I wonder how deep this hole is" "I don't know, let's find something to toss in here and see if we can hear it hit the bottom", says the second. So they go ...

When the kids came back from recess, the teacher announced a pop spelling quiz...

"Pop spelling quiz, class!" She said, and called on little Johnny.

"What did you do during recess, Johnny?" Asked the teacher. Johnny replied "I played in the sandbox with Suzy and Leroy" "Ok, spell 'sand' and you will get a cookie!" Says the teacher. Johnny spells it correctly and gets h...

Thanos came to Earth in 2023

seeking the six Infinity Stones. As he sat on a rock, waiting for his underlings to bring the Stones to him, three strange men arrived in front of him, seemingly out of nowhere. One wore a red cape, another bore a red shield, the third was clad in a red suit. They fought, and it was a bloody battle,...

A guy goes into a bar and says to the bartender, "If I show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, will you let me drink for free tonight?"

The bartender says, "Let me see and I'll consider it."

So the guy reaches into his bag and pulls out a miniature piano and a hamster. The hamster sits in front of the piano and starts playing. And not just banging out "Chopsticks", the hamster is plays Chopin, some ragtime, and even some rock...

A volcanic rock walks into a bar.

It says: "Porous a drink."

There were three guys in an airplane. One guy dropped a rock, another dropped a brick, and the last dropped a grenade.

When they got back on the ground they were walking down the street and they saw a woman crying. Being the gentlemen they are they went up to ask her why she was crying she said: "A rock fell from the sky, landed on my cat and now my cat is dead." The men said they were very sorry to hear that and wa...

Who is the hottest girl in the world?

Medusa because whenever I stare at her I’m rock hard.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home ...

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant:
Color of eyes?

Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really ...

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A fourth-generation prostitute goes home to her great-grandmother's house for a family dinner...

She begins complaining to her family about work. "Geeze! Men these days complain about paying $50 for a blowjob! It's hard work! I *earn* that money!"

Mom, who was a hooker in the 1980s laughs. "Fifty bucks!? You're complaining about that? When I was on the streets, we were lucky to get $20!"...

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A hiker gets lost in the woods...

A hiker gets lost in the woods and spends the next two days wandering around with no food. Finally, he spots a bald eagle on a ledge, hits it with a big rock, and begins eating it raw.

A park ranger stumbles on the scene and arrests the hiker for killing an endangered species.

In court...

Q: How are women and rocks alike?

A: You skip the flat ones.

What do you call a math-rock band about climate change?

The Al-Gore-Rythms!

An old joke from Isaac Asimov(fairly long).

As is well known, in this thirtieth century of ours, space travel is fearfully dull and time-consuming. In search of diversion, many crew Members defy the quarantine restrictions and pick up pets from the various habitable worlds they explore.

Jim Sloane had a rockette, which he called Teddy....

How can you tell when you've found a really good rock n roll band in Minnesota?





They have two accordions

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Little Johnny goes hunting (long)

One day little Johnny is walking down the street past the Old mans house carrying a roll of chicken wire.

The old man calls out from the rocking chair on his porch "What'ya got there boy?".

Little Johnny says back "I got me chicken wire! I'ma gonna catch me some chickens!".

The ...

I noticed that people under the age of 20 are strongly gravitating towards 60s classic rock by well-known bands, such as The Who.

I'm not trying to cause a big sensation, I'm just talking 'bout my generation.

Why are all the girls jealous of medusa?

Cause any guy that looks at her gets rock hard

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I have an extensive collection of pornography involving miners.

It’s the only way I can get my rocks off...

what do you call czech music?

prague rock

Rock climbing is not good for my mood swings.

Too many ups and downs.

I'm standing right next to the rapper who collabed with Kendrick and Jay Rock in "King's Dead"

I can't believe my eyes. **I can see the Future!**

What do you call an oscillating dam?

Damn, that rocks.

What Do You Call A Murderer Who Likes Classic Rock?

Killer Queen

What does Kevin Hart have in common with Paul Walker?

Being friends with the rock!

Wait, what did you think I was going to say?

Some people didn’t remember the plot of the short story The Lottery (By Shirley Jackson)

But when they did, it hit them like a rock.

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My name is Quinton and I have the most amazing luck!

You might be wondering how I became known as the Amazingly Lucky Quinton. I've won the lottery 3 times now, have never broken a bone, always find pennies face up, and still have my pet goldfish that I won from a fair when I was 6 years old.

You see, my whole life changed when I got lost in a ...

Job interview. ”Can you perform under pressure?”

"No, but I can make a stab at We Will Rock You."

a man named his son Rock Bottom

he ends up in jail a few years later for domestic abuse. his wife visits him and asks him through tears: “What happened? Why are you here?” The husband says: “I’ve hit Rock Bottom”

Two men were exploring a cave

One man saw a strange rock formation and said to his friend, "Hey, that thing is shaped like the number 69. What kind of rock do you think it's made of?"

"Gneiss," the friend said.

What do you call a dog barking under some rocks?

A subwoofer

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Franz was reading his book on death row...

It was the ‘storm of the century’. On death row, Franz was reading his religious texts, looking for God, even as the inmates of the neighbouring cells were having an explosive argument about who should get to shower first. ’14 days to execution’, Franz thought, as he physically and mentally trembled...

Not many people can tell you about both rock theory and astrophysics ...

But if you ask him nicely, Bryan May

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My wife stood before me with some items in front of her. Without a word, she emptied a large jar of mayonnaise and proceeded to fill the empty jar with rocks right to the top, then asked me if the jar was full. I agreed that it was.

She then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them in to the jar. She shook the jar lightly. My wife then asked me if the jar was now full. I agreed that, yes, it was.

She then poured a bag of sand into the jar with the result that the sand filled up the remaining spaces between the rocks an...

Red Car Day

Red car day - in Honor of my Dad

My dad died 7 years ago. He was a worker in a factory in NYC during the by-gone, post-war era when times were good and jobs were plenty. The guys he worked with were all good friends over the years and enjoyed harmless pranks against one another to pass the ti...

I tried rock cocaine today.

It wasn't all it's cracked up to be.

A geologist, physicist and an economist are marooned on a desert island with nothing to eat.

A can of soup washes ashore. They ponder how to open it. The geologist says, ‘Let’s smash it open with a rock.’ The physicist says, ‘Let’s heat it up and blow it open.’ The economist says, ‘No, no. You guys will lose most of the soup. Let’s just assume we have a can opener.’

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Did you hear about the woman who got drunk and slapped The Rock's butt?

She didn't realize it at the time, but she'd hit rock bottom.

Why couldn’t the person lift the salt rock?

It was sodium heavy

"Peter," said Jesus, "you are my rock." Peter looked angry...

"I really wish you'd stop taking me for granite!"

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Little Johnny is back

The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate', not 'fascinati...

Bob and Mary are celebrating their 75th wedding anniversary.

The local news decides to do an op-ed on them. The reporter asks Bob, You two have been married 75 years, what's your secret?

Bob says...Well on our honeymoon, we decide to take a trip to the Grand Canyon. We rent some donkeys and start our adventure. An hour in, Mary's donkey slips on some ...

Jesus Christ, Chuck Norris and an Irishman were on a boat

Jesus Christ, Chuck Norris and an Irishman were on a boat. They had to get to land, but had no oars.

Jesus starts walking across the water, and finally makes it safely to the other side.

Chuck joins Jesus, and walks safely across too.

The Irishman thought, if they can d...

Is Medusa really that ugly?

I mean, she makes every guy who sees her rock hard

It was the mid-1820’s when Phillip and his brother Terrance decided that they wanted to better their lives.

So the two brothers packed a wagon with everything they owned and started out from their small home in Missouri. The trail to Oregon was very tough and the relationship between the brothers was already stressed at best.

Phillip, being the older brother, was constantly very critical of his you...

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Donald Trump goes to hell

Upon arriving the devil tells him that they are out of space but he definitely belongs there and he's gonna have to take the spot of someone else.

The 1st Room they go to has Adolf Hitler huffing puffing and shuffling papers around a desk. Donny says he definitely doesn't want any of that.<...

A new emerging rock band is having its first concert

To be sure that everything goes perfectly the group's manager decides to invite a well known concert critic: If he decided to come and the concert went well, that would've been their occasion to take off in the world of music

Incredibly the critic accepts their offering and is present in his ...

I just came out with a new male contraceptive device...

It's a rock you stick in your shoe and it makes you limp.

Read about a small accident involving young children digging up shiny rocks...

It was a minor miner, minor catastrophe.

Interviewer: "Do you like rock 'n' roll"

Sisyphus: "Not even a bit."

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What’s the difference between a mail box and a rock?

No clue? Well. I guess you’ll make a shit mailman.

A man walks into a bar on the 50th floor

As he goes through the door, a slight chime sounds. He heads for the bar and orders a beer. As time goes by, he hears the chime again, and turns to see another man arriving. The other man immediately heads for the bar, and orders a double scotch on the rocks.

The other man empties the glass i...

What type of rock do you find in the shed?

Shedimentary!

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A guy can't get hard

He hasnt been able to have sex and its really starting to bother him.
He asks a friend what to do

Friend " I had the same problem"
Guy "what do I do?"
Friend "finger your wife before sex and sniff you fingers, the more you do the harder you will get."

That night the guy tries ...

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Did you hear about the new Japanese rock band?

Of Rice and Yen

How do you know you’ve hit Rock bottom?

When He turns around and smacks you back

A geologist discovers a giant rock that's 5280 feet across

It was quite the milestone

Ever since Dwayne moved into the apartment above mine,

people tell be I've been living under the rock.

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Diary of an Englishman after he moves to South Africa....

**August 1**: Just got transferred with work from London, UK to our new home in Phalaborwa, Limpopo, South Africa. Now this is a town that knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a deckchair by our pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I’ve finally fo...

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A teacher, a lawyer and a priest are on a boat...

The boat hits a rock and starts stinking.

The teacher says "Save the kids!"

The lawyer says "Fuck the kids!"

The priest says "Do you think we'll have time?"

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Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous.

A night of tall tales commences.

The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands."

The second chimes in, "Why that's nothing....

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What's 10 inches long, hard as a rock, full of semen and makes all of the ladies scream?

The sock under my bed.

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Don't keep the officer waiting!

So this police officer is nearing the end of his shift and really pissed that he hasn't caught anyone up to this point. As he sits in his car and looks at the clock, this speeding car flies by so fast that the police cruiser rocks back and forth. The police officer turns on his lights, hits the acce...

A man walks into a bar, and the first thing he notices is how ridiculously short the guy on the piano is.

He goes up to the bartender and says "Hey, uh, so what's the deal with the piano guy?"

"Well, you see this shiny rock right here? If you put your hand on it, it's supposed to grant you a wish."

"Holy hell, are you serious? Let me try!"

"Oh no I wouldn't. It can be finicky, it...

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3 men survive a plane crash in the jungle.

Paddy, an Irishman, Jock, a Scotsman, and Edward, an Englishman.
The three men band together and set off in search of civilisation. After many hours trekking through the jungle the men come across 3 rotting dead birds.
“I’m not eating that!” Says a disgusted Edward.
“Aye it’s covered in ...

How many Punk Rockers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, Punk Rock doesn’t change anything...

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So I went to Japan on holiday,

and I had a very close online Japanese friend I met on a Guitar Hero forum, and we arranged to meet up.

I thought he was a guy, but then this really cute girl with short, brown hair shows up, easily a 9/10. She's called Nao and even though it's the first time we had met in real life, we get a...

I was trying to practice on my guitar by playing some rock and the homeowners association gave me a written warning for the loud noise

Guess paper beats rock again

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