Unconfirmed rumors that The Rock has been injured while on location in Namibia

I guess Dwayne's down in Africa.

What rock is a 6.9 on the Mohs Hardness Scale?

Gneiss

A woman walked up to an elderly man rocking in a chair on his porch.

“I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look,” she said. “What’s your secret for a long, happy life?”


“I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,” he said. “I also drink a case of whisky a week, eat fatty foods and never exercise.”


“That’s amazing,” the woman said. “How old a...

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Comedy is pretty much the new rock and roll,

In the sense that there are multiple unprosecuted sexual predators

There's a movie called The Rock that doesn't star The Rock, but rather Nicolas Cage.

If The Rock ever stars in a movie called Cage I fear this will only grow more confusing.

How does a rock pee?

He Dwaynes his Johnson

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Growing up my mom was worried I get into sex, drugs, and rock and roll.

At least she got the drugs and rock and roll part right.

Me: Wow look at that rock

Her: Boulder

Me: **𝗪𝗼𝘄 𝗹𝗼𝗼𝗸 𝗮𝘁 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗿𝗼𝗰𝗸**

What do you call a rock climbing rabbi?

Mountain Jew

What’s the difference between philosophy and eyeballing a picture of a rock?

One’s ideology, the other’s eyed-geology

How do you discipline a rock?

You hit rock bottom

If you ever drop a volcano rock on your foot...

...You'll Krakatoa

Why did the Mexican guy order whiskey without rocks?

He hated ICE

Geology rocks

But Geography, that’s where it’s at!

My rock collection isn't worth much...

But it has sedimental value

What do rocks and girls have in common?

The flat ones get skipped.

I saw a crying baby in a hot car today, I grabbed a rock and threw it at the window.....

Little did I know the window was rolled down... at least it stopped crying

I was down at the quarry and I said to the owner "Nice rock!"

He said "Boulder", so I said "**Nice rock!**"

I slept like a rock last night.

Just laid there. All night. Hard.

What rock group has 4 members that don't sing?

Mount Rushmore

An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when, all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

“Well, now,” says the old lady, “I guess I would like to be really, really rich.” ***POOF*** her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

She smiles and says, “Gee, I guess I wouldn’t mind being a young, beautiful princess.” ***POOF*** she turns into a beautiful young woman.

“Your third wish...

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A team of archaeologists were working in Jerusalem when they found a slab of rock with five figures carved on it.

In order the figures were:

1) A Woman. 2) A Donkey. 3) A Shovel. 4) A Fish. 5) A Star of David.

After months of studying the rock and figures on it, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were several thousands of years old but even so they revealed a...

What did Sherlock say as he studied the layers of rock?

Sedimentary, my dear Watson.

Having an argument in a relationship is like going to a rock concert

It starts with the new stuff but ends with the old hits

Friend: I like classic rock

Me: Which bands?

Friend: The \[says something I don't understand\]

Me: The who?

Friend: Yes, them too.

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A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot

One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest
in all the activity going on next door and spend much of each day
observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems...

How did the rock climber lose his friend?

He cut ties with him.

What do rap fans and classic rock fans have in common?

They both have to worry about their favorite artist dying before the concert

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The worst joke I can remember [nsfw] Warning: this joke is long and terrible

A woman was driving through a remote section of desert at night, thoroughly lost. Suddenly, a coyote ran into the road ahead of her! Slamming on the brakes, the woman was astounded to see a man come running from out of the darkness toward the coyote. In one smooth motion, the strange man took his...

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What did the Japanese Psychologist name his progressive rock band?

Pink Freud

Who was the most famous rock artist in Italy?

Michaelangelo!

What's a rock's favourite phone?

The iStone 11!


(Courtesy of my 7yo...)

Why do geologist keep some of the rocks they collected?

Because it has sedimentary value

What did the rock say to the flower?

Ok Bloomer

Why do moon rocks taste better than earth rocks?

Because they're meteor.

I found a baby locked in a hot car at a Texas grocery store so I tried to throw a rock through the window.

Turns out, the window was down.

I ruined that baby's whole week.

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What’s 12 inches long, rock hard, full of semen and makes all the girls scream?

The crusty sock under my bed!

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Gus the Accountant

Gus has been doing accountancy for like 35 years and he's sick of it.

So Gus decides he wants some adventure in his life, so he's going to become a prospector.

Everyday he studies geology, he learns how to drive a big truck and operate an excavator and he starts selling up everything h...

Summer in my city makes me feel like a super rock star

Everyday I have this fan blowing my balls

What's it called when you beat up a rock

Bassalt

Dad joke: What did the rock say to the scissors?

I’m Dwayne The Rock Johnson.

Sorry.

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Little Johnny Returns

The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Little Molly put up her hand and said, "My father went to my grandad's farm and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word *fascinate*, not fasc...

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks.

After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders another double martini.

After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders another one.

The bartender says: "Look, buddy, I'll bring you martini's all night long - but you got to tell m...

Trump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let ...

We found out the guy who plays rock music on his radio at work has ED

We call him Limp Bizkit

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Did you hear about the man who got hit by rocks while riding a donkey?

He was stoned off his ass...

Trump wakes up, goes to the garden and starts picking up random rocks...

He picks a rock, carefuly examines it from from all sides, puts it back and then goes to find another one. After this has been going on for a couple of days, his cabinet starts to get nervous, so Pence calls Putin to see if he can help them.

"Hey Vlad! It's Mike. Listen, we have a little prob...

What do you call British Rock and Roll?

Stone and Scone

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Was walking in the woods with my wife the other day. Picked up a pebble and told her about these traditions natives Americans had. They would give their partners an Sex Stone. But this one...

..was just a Fuckin Rock.

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A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor for help. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervious I take a sip."

So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door:

Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

There are 10 commandments, not 1...

Rock music and Cooking

Did you know the rock band Aerosmith wrote a Chinese cookbook?


It's called Wok This Way

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Man goes to buy a new car...

The salesman at the dealership talks with him for a while and sets him up with a car that suits his needs. As he's leaving the lot, he wants to listen to some music and discovers there isn't any buttons on the stereo. He beckons over the salesman and asks "what's the deal with the stereo, I can't tu...

Why did the farmer start a punk rock band?

Because he was tired of haulin' oats

Just threw a rock 5280 feet.

That’s a real milestone.

I named my pet rock "Rocky".

Not because it's a rock, but because it has difficulty speaking.

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Two men are walking through the desert and stumble across a big rock

- Hey, what a weird rock!

- Yes, it looks like a pyramid!

They both dig and discover a huge pyramid.

- Shit! It's a giant pyramid!

- What do we do with this?

- We should notify the American archaeological team. These people are professional and I'm sure they'l...

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Three men crash land on a desert island, 3 days later they find a magic lamp in the sand on the beach

>**this joke works best if you do the actions when you're telling it**

The men get very excited about the lamp and as they dust the sand away it hums and buzzes before a genie emerges in a puff of blue smoke.

"You have freed me from my prison," says the Genie, "For this, I will give...

I discovered a new way to cut rocks and concrete super fast and effortless

It was a ground breaking discovery.

How are fake diamonds related to Ireland?

They’re sham rocks.

My pet rock has a receding hairline

He’s a little boulder

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Medusa: Hey, my face is up here!!!

Me (staring at her breasts): It's fine, I am already rock hard...

In memoriam

Rapid Roy was a daredevil who specialized in car stunts. He decided to retire in style and end his career by attempting a canyon jump in the worst car he could find. After doing some digging, he came across a Chevy Nova in an auction in Champagne, LA. It was in bad shape, but he took a chance, wo...

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I took a Viagra before mountain climbing

Now I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place

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I just slapped Dwayne Johnson's buttocks....

In other words, I've hit rock bottom......

A moss covered rock finds out he needs to wake up at 4AM for his new job

"Wow, that's a bit early for my lichen"

Roses are red, violet's are blue

When I listen to rock music.
My neighbours do too.

There were three guys in an airplane. One guy dropped a rock, another dropped a brick, and the last dropped a grenade.

When they got back on the ground they were walking down the street and they saw a woman crying. Being the gentlemen they are they went up to ask her why she was crying she said: "A rock fell from the sky, landed on my cat and now my cat is dead." The men said they were very sorry to hear that and wa...

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Three vampires walk into a bar

Bartender asks "What can I get ya?"

The first vampire says "I'd like a Bloody Mary."
Second vampire, "I'll take a Blood on the Rocks."
On the third's turn he orders "Hot water."

Bartender sets the drinks down, confused, and asks "What's the water for?"
To which the third vampi...

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Two hillbillys are sitting on the porch in rocking chairs.

The 1st hillbilly says "I'M BORED'....

So the second hillbilly says.. "I'll tell you whut....I'm gonna think of something... but I'm not gonna tell you what I'm thinkin...and then you get to ask me Three questions... then after three questions....you gotta guess what I'm thinkin'...."
...

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So an Irishman is walking through the Kildare forest...

##

He is pretty lost, but suddenly he sees a leprechaun sitting on a rock. Surprised, he greets him. The leprechaun goes "Hello there! Not everyday you see one of my kind! Tell you what, I'll give you 3 wishes! Any you want!" So the Irishman thinks a while, and finally says "Well, it's a blo...

The dentist said that he could knock me out with gas, or he could use a big metallic rock.

I said ether/ore.

What kind of rock isn't really a rock?

A shamrock.

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A rock band was booed by the crowd.

The drum player and the bass player drink in a bar, depressed as fuck, trying to figure out what went wrong.
'It's probably the stage sound', the bass player suggests. 'That engineer can't mix shit in a bowl, let alone sound.'
'Come on, we've had worse. At least the monitors were working.'...

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A man is lost in the woods and it is getting dark.

As he walks through the woods he comes across a small cabin. He goes up to the cabin and knocks on the door. An old Chinese man opens it. 

“I’m lost in the woods and I need somewhere to stay for the night,” the man said. “Can I please stay here?” 

“Sure,” said the Chinese man. “But as ...

What rock band is the neatest?

OC/DC

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For Valentine's Day my girlfriend told me to give her nine inches and make it hurt...

... so I fucked her twice and hit her with a rock.

What is "Rock Bottom" for you?

I came to the realization that I've hit Rock Bottom today, when I found I had gone to Hooters specifically for the food.

Steph Curry picks up a veteran and a rookie teammate on his way to a game against the Lakers.

While on the road, they wind up behind an SUV and Steph sees that Shaq is behind the wheel. Steph kicks it into overdrive and passes Shaq going 70 mph.

A little while later they see Arnold Schwarzenegger in a Mustang. Steph floors it and passes him going 80 mph.

Halfway to the game, t...

Why are big rocks braver than small rocks?

Because they're boulder.

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Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors. There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. ...

What do you call a vegan who likes prog rock?

Tom Soya

Dwayne Johnson is getting kinky with his wife.

She pulls out a whip an spanks him. He sighs, clearly upset, and she asks him what’s wrong.

He replies, “You’ve finally hit Rock bottom.”

One day a man decided to retire... He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How...

I want to write a rock opera about Rosa Parks; to be performed by AC/DC.

It'll be called Black in Back.

Not many people look good with the Elton John look

But I could totally rock it, man

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The Fly and the Pitchfork (long)

Once upon a time, there was a happy little fly buzzing around a barn when she happened upon a large pile of fresh cow manure. Since it had been hours since her last meal and she was feeling hunger pangs, she flew down to the irresistible delicacy and began to pig out. She ate and ate … and then... s...

A Secluded Beach Spot

I was at the beach with my wife the other day and we took a walk around an area with some pretty big rock bluffs and boulders and things. It was really nice, and surprisingly secluded for the area. Nobody was around but a bunch of seagulls. Terns, actually, my wife corrected me.

We find a spo...

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You call it anal.

Dwayne Johnson calls it "rock bottom".

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Let me tell you the story about the chicken that breaths throught it's asshole...

One day, it sat on a rock and died.

The end.

Q: How are women and rocks alike?

A: You skip the flat ones.

I’ve opened up a gym helping ageing rock bands get back into shape. It’s going okay so far...

Just working out the Kinks.

Three hawks

Three hawks sitting on a tree one goes and comes back later with blood on his beak the other hawks say tell us he said do u see that rock there they say yes he said there was a rabbit and i ate it

the second hawk goes and comes back with more blood on his beak then the first hawk the other h...

I noticed that people under the age of 20 are strongly gravitating towards 60s classic rock by well-known bands, such as The Who.

I'm not trying to cause a big sensation, I'm just talking 'bout my generation.

I was tempted to make a violent rock pun

But some people don't like joking about basalt

A guy goes into a bar and says to the bartender, "If I show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, will you let me drink for free tonight?"

The bartender says, "Let me see and I'll consider it."

So the guy reaches into his bag and pulls out a miniature piano and a hamster. The hamster sits in front of the piano and starts playing. And not just banging out "Chopsticks", the hamster is plays Chopin, some ragtime, and even some rock...

Army Joke?

I guess this joke is pretty popular in the armed forces, so I apologize if this is a repeat!

So anyways, once there was a guy, let’s call him Steve. So Steve has always had trouble with women. His first wife left him, his second wife passed away, and his third ended up having an affair. Feeli...

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An American walks into a pub in Ireland

...he sits down next to an old, mangled Irishman who is clearly on his umpteenth drink of the afternoon.

As the American orders a beer, the Irishman leans over to him and says:

> What’d ya think of this bar, young man?

“It’s nice.” The American says, nonplussed. He just wan...

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