What rock group has four men that don't sing?

Mount Rushmore.

What do rocks and girls have in common?

The flat ones get skipped.

How does a rock pee?

He Dwaynes his Johnson

What do rap fans and classic rock fans have in common?

They both have to worry about their favorite artist dying before the concert

I slept like a rock last night.

Just laid there. All night. Hard.

Why do geologist keep some of the rocks they collected?

Because it has sedimentary value

My rock collection isn't worth much...

But it has sedimental value

Why do moon rocks taste better than earth rocks?

Because they're meteor.

How did the rock climber lose his friend?

He cut ties with him.

I saw a crying baby in a hot car today, I grabbed a rock and threw it at the window.....

Little did I know the window was rolled down... at least it stopped crying

Summer in my city makes me feel like a super rock star

Everyday I have this fan blowing my balls

What did the rock say to the flower?

Ok Bloomer

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks.

After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders another double martini.

After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders another one.

The bartender says: "Look, buddy, I'll bring you martini's all night long - but you got to tell m...

What's it called when you beat up a rock

Bassalt

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A team of archaeologists were working in Jerusalem when they found a slab of rock with five figures carved on it.

In order the figures were:

1) A Woman. 2) A Donkey. 3) A Shovel. 4) A Fish. 5) A Star of David.

After months of studying the rock and figures on it, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were several thousands of years old but even so they revealed a...

Petition to start a rock season in the mountains...

Please don't take this for granite.

Geology rocks...

But Geography is where it's at!

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Did you hear about the man who got hit by rocks while riding a donkey?

He was stoned off his ass...

I found a baby locked in a hot car at a Texas grocery store so I tried to throw a rock through the window.

Turns out, the window was down.

I ruined that baby's whole week.

What do you call British Rock and Roll?

Stone and Scone

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What’s 12 inches long, rock hard, full of semen and makes all the girls scream?

The crusty sock under my bed!

We found out the guy who plays rock music on his radio at work has ED

We call him Limp Bizkit

I was wondering what would happen if a rock fell out the sky.

Then it hit me.

Dad joke: What did the rock say to the scissors?

I’m Dwayne The Rock Johnson.

Sorry.

Trump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let ...

Rock music and Cooking

Did you know the rock band Aerosmith wrote a Chinese cookbook?


It's called Wok This Way

Why did the farmer start a punk rock band?

Because he was tired of haulin' oats

I named my pet rock "Rocky".

Not because it's a rock, but because it has difficulty speaking.

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Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors. There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. ...

I discovered a new way to cut rocks and concrete super fast and effortless

It was a ground breaking discovery.

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Two men are walking through the desert and stumble across a big rock

- Hey, what a weird rock!

- Yes, it looks like a pyramid!

They both dig and discover a huge pyramid.

- Shit! It's a giant pyramid!

- What do we do with this?

- We should notify the American archaeological team. These people are professional and I'm sure they'l...

A moss covered rock finds out he needs to wake up at 4AM for his new job

"Wow, that's a bit early for my lichen"

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What happens when you slap Dwayne Johnson’s butt?

You hit Rock Bottom

How do you punish your pet rock?

“You hit rock bottom”

When looking at rocks, what does Sherlock say?

It’s Sedimentary my dear Watson.

My pet rock has a receding hairline

He’s a little boulder

Just threw a rock 5280 feet.

That’s a real milestone.

What rock band is the neatest?

OC/DC

I must admit that my sεxual desires have been getting out of hand,

but it wasn’t until I spanked a statue that I realised I had hit rock bottom.

What is "Rock Bottom" for you?

I came to the realization that I've hit Rock Bottom today, when I found I had gone to Hooters specifically for the food.

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Two hillbillys are sitting on the porch in rocking chairs.

The 1st hillbilly says "I'M BORED'....

So the second hillbilly says.. "I'll tell you whut....I'm gonna think of something... but I'm not gonna tell you what I'm thinkin...and then you get to ask me Three questions... then after three questions....you gotta guess what I'm thinkin'...."
...

Why are big rocks braver than small rocks?

Because they're boulder.

Trump wakes up, goes to the garden and starts picking up random rocks...

He picks a rock, carefuly examines it from from all sides, puts it back and then goes to find another one. After this has been going on for a couple of days, his cabinet starts to get nervous, so Pence calls Putin to see if he can help them.

"Hey Vlad! It's Mike. Listen, we have a little prob...

I want to write a rock opera about Rosa Parks; to be performed by AC/DC.

It'll be called Black in Back.

I bought fake rocks

Shamrocks

The dentist said that he could knock me out with gas, or he could use a big metallic rock.

I said ether/ore.

I’ve opened up a gym helping ageing rock bands get back into shape. It’s going okay so far...

Just working out the Kinks.

A guy goes into a bar and says to the bartender, "If I show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, will you let me drink for free tonight?"

The bartender says, "Let me see and I'll consider it."

So the guy reaches into his bag and pulls out a miniature piano and a hamster. The hamster sits in front of the piano and starts playing. And not just banging out "Chopsticks", the hamster is plays Chopin, some ragtime, and even some rock...

What kind of rock isn't really a rock?

A shamrock.

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A rock band was booed by the crowd.

The drum player and the bass player drink in a bar, depressed as fuck, trying to figure out what went wrong.
'It's probably the stage sound', the bass player suggests. 'That engineer can't mix shit in a bowl, let alone sound.'
'Come on, we've had worse. At least the monitors were working.'...

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A man is lost in the woods and it is getting dark.

As he walks through the woods he comes across a small cabin. He goes up to the cabin and knocks on the door. An old Chinese man opens it. 

“I’m lost in the woods and I need somewhere to stay for the night,” the man said. “Can I please stay here?” 

“Sure,” said the Chinese man. “But as ...

What did the miner say when blowing up rocks and discovering a gold vein?

Wow. This blew up! Thanks for the gold, kind nature!

I was tempted to make a violent rock pun

But some people don't like joking about basalt

There were three guys in an airplane. One guy dropped a rock, another dropped a brick, and the last dropped a grenade.

When they got back on the ground they were walking down the street and they saw a woman crying. Being the gentlemen they are they went up to ask her why she was crying she said: "A rock fell from the sky, landed on my cat and now my cat is dead." The men said they were very sorry to hear that and wa...

Who had The Rock never beaten in his career?

Paper

I like the way you're thinking.

Teacher: 3 birds are sitting on top of a roof and someone throws a rock and hits one off. How many birds are left?
Student: There are none left because the other two fly away whenever the other one is hit.
Teacher: Well actually there's still two left but I like the way you're thinking.
...

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Did you hear about the new Will Smith/Dwayne Johnson movie?

They play star-crossed lovers in the 1920s who are both struggling with a crisis of faith at their sexuality. The working title is:

"Dwayne Will Rock Smith's Johnson"

A volcanic rock walks into a bar.

It says: "Porous a drink."

Q: How are women and rocks alike?

A: You skip the flat ones.

When the kids came back from recess, the teacher announced a pop spelling quiz...

"Pop spelling quiz, class!" She said, and called on little Johnny.

"What did you do during recess, Johnny?" Asked the teacher. Johnny replied "I played in the sandbox with Suzy and Leroy" "Ok, spell 'sand' and you will get a cookie!" Says the teacher. Johnny spells it correctly and gets h...

So last year I started a tradition, I carry a pebble and throw it at anyone who sings Christmas songs before December....

I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.

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A fourth-generation prostitute goes home to her great-grandmother's house for a family dinner...

She begins complaining to her family about work. "Geeze! Men these days complain about paying $50 for a blowjob! It's hard work! I *earn* that money!"

Mom, who was a hooker in the 1980s laughs. "Fifty bucks!? You're complaining about that? When I was on the streets, we were lucky to get $20!"...

Two men in the woods

These 2 guys are out walking through the woods, they come upon a clearing with a big hole in the middle of it. The first guy says to the second "I wonder how deep this hole is" "I don't know, let's find something to toss in here and see if we can hear it hit the bottom", says the second. So they go ...

Thanos came to Earth in 2023

seeking the six Infinity Stones. As he sat on a rock, waiting for his underlings to bring the Stones to him, three strange men arrived in front of him, seemingly out of nowhere. One wore a red cape, another bore a red shield, the third was clad in a red suit. They fought, and it was a bloody battle,...

What do you call a math-rock band about climate change?

The Al-Gore-Rythms!

Husband: My wife is missing. She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home ...

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant:
Color of eyes?

Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really ...

How can you tell when you've found a really good rock n roll band in Minnesota?





They have two accordions

I noticed that people under the age of 20 are strongly gravitating towards 60s classic rock by well-known bands, such as The Who.

I'm not trying to cause a big sensation, I'm just talking 'bout my generation.

Rock climbing is not good for my mood swings.

Too many ups and downs.

I told my friend I was really nervous about going into space

But my friend said I would rock it

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A hiker gets lost in the woods...

A hiker gets lost in the woods and spends the next two days wandering around with no food. Finally, he spots a bald eagle on a ledge, hits it with a big rock, and begins eating it raw.

A park ranger stumbles on the scene and arrests the hiker for killing an endangered species.

In court...

Who is the hottest girl in the world?

Medusa because whenever I stare at her I’m rock hard.

An old joke from Isaac Asimov(fairly long).

As is well known, in this thirtieth century of ours, space travel is fearfully dull and time-consuming. In search of diversion, many crew Members defy the quarantine restrictions and pick up pets from the various habitable worlds they explore.

Jim Sloane had a rockette, which he called Teddy....

Rock, paper, scissors got complicated.

I was playing it with my deaf cousin, but then he started showing some new signs and I didn't know how to counter them.

I'm standing right next to the rapper who collabed with Kendrick and Jay Rock in "King's Dead"

I can't believe my eyes. **I can see the Future!**

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Little Johnny goes hunting (long)

One day little Johnny is walking down the street past the Old mans house carrying a roll of chicken wire.

The old man calls out from the rocking chair on his porch "What'ya got there boy?".

Little Johnny says back "I got me chicken wire! I'ma gonna catch me some chickens!".

The ...

What Do You Call A Murderer Who Likes Classic Rock?

Killer Queen

a man named his son Rock Bottom

he ends up in jail a few years later for domestic abuse. his wife visits him and asks him through tears: “What happened? Why are you here?” The husband says: “I’ve hit Rock Bottom”

"Peter," said Jesus, "you are my rock." Peter looked angry...

"I really wish you'd stop taking me for granite!"

Some people didn’t remember the plot of the short story The Lottery (By Shirley Jackson)

But when they did, it hit them like a rock.

What do you call a dog barking under some rocks?

A subwoofer

Two men are walking through the woods together and they come across an insanely huge hole in the ground.

The first man picks up a rock and tosses it into the hole. The rock vanishes from sight, and neither guy could hear the rock hit the bottom.

The second man decides to throw a huge log into the hole. After a few seconds pass, again there was no sound.

Both men, wanting to know how dee...

Why are all the girls jealous of medusa?

Cause any guy that looks at her gets rock hard

Why is it pointless to throw scissors in a game of rock-paper-scissors against an illegal immigrant?

Because they don’t have papers.

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My wife stood before me with some items in front of her. Without a word, she emptied a large jar of mayonnaise and proceeded to fill the empty jar with rocks right to the top, then asked me if the jar was full. I agreed that it was.

She then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them in to the jar. She shook the jar lightly. My wife then asked me if the jar was now full. I agreed that, yes, it was.

She then poured a bag of sand into the jar with the result that the sand filled up the remaining spaces between the rocks an...

What does Kevin Hart have in common with Paul Walker?

Being friends with the rock!

Wait, what did you think I was going to say?

Not many people can tell you about both rock theory and astrophysics ...

But if you ask him nicely, Bryan May

There was once a billionaire philanthropist with a curious idea....

"What would happen if he gave modern musical instruments to tribal people who have never been in contact with the outer world? He decided to do just that, and to return after 10 years. The tribesmen were given an electric guitar, bass, a drum kit, digital keys, everything needed to make music with o...

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I have an extensive collection of pornography involving miners.

It’s the only way I can get my rocks off...

I heard Dwayne Johnson is filming a movie about retrieving documents from the leader of ancient Rome

It's going to be a Rock, Paper, Caesar's shoot.

what do you call czech music?

prague rock

Mythology Joke.

Medusa is so hot every time i see her i get rock hard.

I tried rock cocaine today.

It wasn't all it's cracked up to be.

What is The Rock's middle name?

"best station, 107.3FM for all your Classic"

Why couldn’t the person lift the salt rock?

It was sodium heavy

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Did you hear about the woman who got drunk and slapped The Rock's butt?

She didn't realize it at the time, but she'd hit rock bottom.

What do you call an oscillating dam?

Damn, that rocks.

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Little Johnny is back

The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate', not 'fascinati...

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Franz was reading his book on death row...

It was the ‘storm of the century’. On death row, Franz was reading his religious texts, looking for God, even as the inmates of the neighbouring cells were having an explosive argument about who should get to shower first. ’14 days to execution’, Franz thought, as he physically and mentally trembled...

A new emerging rock band is having its first concert

To be sure that everything goes perfectly the group's manager decides to invite a well known concert critic: If he decided to come and the concert went well, that would've been their occasion to take off in the world of music

Incredibly the critic accepts their offering and is present in his ...

What type of rock do you find in the shed?

Shedimentary!

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My name is Quinton and I have the most amazing luck!

You might be wondering how I became known as the Amazingly Lucky Quinton. I've won the lottery 3 times now, have never broken a bone, always find pennies face up, and still have my pet goldfish that I won from a fair when I was 6 years old.

You see, my whole life changed when I got lost in a ...

Job interview. ”Can you perform under pressure?”

"No, but I can make a stab at We Will Rock You."

Interviewer: "Do you like rock 'n' roll"

Sisyphus: "Not even a bit."

Two boys are taking a stroll through the woods, when they come across this well

They take a look down the well, and can't see the bottom. They want to know how long the drop is so one of them throws a pebble down there.

They wait a while......nothing.

They spot a good sized rock and toss it down the well next.

They wait a while.....still nothing.

The...

Read about a small accident involving young children digging up shiny rocks...

It was a minor miner, minor catastrophe.

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What’s the difference between a mail box and a rock?

No clue? Well. I guess you’ll make a shit mailman.

How do you know you’ve hit Rock bottom?

When He turns around and smacks you back

A geologist discovers a giant rock that's 5280 feet across

It was quite the milestone

A geologist, physicist and an economist are marooned on a desert island with nothing to eat.

A can of soup washes ashore. They ponder how to open it. The geologist says, ‘Let’s smash it open with a rock.’ The physicist says, ‘Let’s heat it up and blow it open.’ The economist says, ‘No, no. You guys will lose most of the soup. Let’s just assume we have a can opener.’

I really hate asking rock climbers for a high-five

they keep leaving me hanging

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Did you hear about the new Japanese rock band?

Of Rice and Yen

Red Car Day

Red car day - in Honor of my Dad

My dad died 7 years ago. He was a worker in a factory in NYC during the by-gone, post-war era when times were good and jobs were plenty. The guys he worked with were all good friends over the years and enjoyed harmless pranks against one another to pass the ti...

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