James Bond Jokes

He is shaken but not stirred.

00Heaven

Bubble 07

Because it would blow his cover

James Bond goes to a deli and orders a club sandwich.

The employee says to him, "Mr. Bond, we have ham or turkey. How would you like it?"

Bond replies, "bacon, not bird."

M: I have a job for you. You will have to disguise yourself as a blond businessman called John Smith.

Bond: But I have dark hair! Do you expect me to wear a wig or something?!

M: No mister Bond, I expect you to dye.

Otherwise he would blow his cover.





(Look I'm not funny this was my first and only attempt so sorry X\_X)

Under covers.

His head is bursting, he feels nauseous, he's been beaten up, he looks at his reflection in toilet bowl water and sees he has a black eye, and cuts on his face.

"Where am I? How did I get here? Who's taken me?", he asked himself, "I musht have been drugged, I can't recall a thing".

Foo... read more

I had No Time To Dye.

Dong. Ding Dong

He goes "Under Cover"

of course, he was, after all, his double. I’ll see myself out.

I guess he had a licence to grill

Casio royale

007:30

''Dong, Ding Dong''

The next Bond should be a woman!

Can you imagine? Crazy car scenes with spectacular crashes, explosions...

... And all of that while she's parking.

James Bond hits upon hard times and finds himself facing a job seeker interview,

"Well Mr Bond we have two positions we can offer you, one is giving lectures to children on the benefits of a career in military intelligence, and the other is in the fabric staining department of a yarn mill. "<... read more

Dr.: No

He sleeps with every woman he comes across

He looks around, and takes a seat neat to a very attractive women.

He gives her a quick glance, then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The women notices this and asks, "*Is your date running late?*"

"*No*", he replies, "*Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I... read more

James Bond is laid off and at the job center, there are only two jobs available, one in a call center and the other in a fabric coloring plant

"Huh, " said Bond, "you expect me to talk?"

"No Mr Bond, " replied the interviewer, "I expect you to dye. "

A Brit with a full petrol tank.

Mini Penne

...but a security guard scared the living daylights out of me.

My name is Bond.
James Diego Jose Fransisco de Paula Juan Nepomuceno Maria del los Remedios omg Bond..

He pleaded with producers to give him just one more film but they already had his replacement lined up, a younger actor they felt was more suitable for the leading role in an action movie. But Dalton wouldn't quit that easily. He convinced the producers that if he could best his would-be replacement... read more

I'm literally shaking right now

My Australian friend asked me to go see the new James Bond.

I said "No time to die"?

He replied: we can go tomorrow then!

His family say that they are shaken.... but not stirred

I was really shaken. But not stirred.

Her Majesty's Secret Service

The name's Moore, Steve Moore. At least that's what the ladies say.

007: Q!

Q: Yes sir

007: Do you have the package?

Q: Yes sir! It's armed and ready

007: Good. Now do you have a marker on you

Q: Uhh sure here

007: thanks

*writes on package: From Russia with Love*

007: He'll never suspect a thing

I'd tell you but then I'd have to bill you.

A Brit with a full tank of petrol.

Unbelievable!!

A SPYfall.

The world is quite enough.

You Only Live Twice

Do you think when he is out of the UK he is known as +44 007?

Shaven, not furred

However much, you can bet you'd get your MoneysWorth.

Being a polite host, he offered Bond a drink when he arrived. "What'll ya have?" he asked.

"I'll have a Martini," Bond replied.

"How do you want it?" Michael J. Fox asked.

"Shaken, not stirred."

"Oh, thank God."

Well, I suppose he is a shorn canary

In Daniel Craigslist

Turns out he wanted to be Sheikh'en, not Sirred.

why wasn't he James Stock?

-Caroline

Respect

Q responds, "we researched them. Ours are less expensive."

He has a license to kiln.

Couldn't he have died another day?



(Sean is hands down the best James Bond!)

James Bond walks into a bar.

Michael J. Fox is the bartender.

James Bond says "I'll have a martini."

He does not need to specify.

He used to shoot down Q's ideas for new gadgets, saying they were a waste of good taxpayer's money.

He was known as the savings Bond.

Apparently there is time to die

Chicken: Hello, how do you do?

James Bond: I'm doing alright

Chicken: What is your name?

James Bond: The name's Bond.....James Bond.How about you?

Chicken: Ken...... Chicken

As a woman, James Bond's name will be Fools, April Fools.

He uses shaken-ups.

A Q-rig

The first man fired his pistol 20 meters away, hits the apple.

"I'm James Bond." He said.

The second man shot an arrow 30 meters away, hits the apple.

"I'm Robin Hood." He said.

The third threw a boomerang 40 meters away, hits the forehead of that person.

"I'm sorr... read more

The judge, while not surprised, did say it was Class E felony.

I meet James Bond at my university. After some greetings, I ask him: "Whats your GPA?"

James answers: "4

2.4."

James Bond. Because everyone knows him.

0 - Kills

0 - Assists

7 - Deaths

James Bond.

0077 cents on the dollar

...yes, that's a coincidence.

It will be called “Double O .77 cents on the dollar”.

James Bond walks into a bar and sits next to a chicken.

Chicken: What's your name?

Bond: My name's Bond. James Bond.

Chicken: Nice to meet you, I'm Ken. Chick Ken.

James Bond is sitting at the bar doing a vodka martini, shaken not schtirred, when he notices a beautiful woman at the other end of the bar.

He glances at his watch, looks up and gives her a knowing wink.

Intrigued, she walks over, smiles and says, "What was that all about? Why did y... read more

Was at the in-laws' place (okay my girlfriend's parents') and was chatting with her father as grandpa was watching a James Bond film.

Father: Well, TheCapedMoose, who's the better bond, Shaun Connery or Roger Moore?

Me: I dunno, it's kind of a toss up...

Father: No it isn't, Sh... read more