UPJOKE
goldfingercasino royalebondgoldeneyeian flemingsean conneryroger moorepierce brosnanparodythunderballkingsley amischristopher woodjohn gardnerraymond bensonsebastian faulks

James Bond is fast asleep in bed when suddenly there is an earthquake!

He is shaken but not stirred.

Where do James Bond Actors go when they die?

00Heaven

What do you call James Bond having a bath?

Bubble 07

Why doesn't James Bond fart in bed?

Because it would blow his cover

James Bond orders a sandwich

James Bond goes to a deli and orders a club sandwich.

The employee says to him, "Mr. Bond, we have ham or turkey. How would you like it?"

Bond replies, "bacon, not bird."

James Bond gets called into M's office

M: I have a job for you. You will have to disguise yourself as a blond businessman called John Smith.

Bond: But I have dark hair! Do you expect me to wear a wig or something?!

M: No mister Bond, I expect you to dye.

James Bond always holds his farts while in bed

Otherwise he would blow his cover.





(Look I'm not funny this was my first and only attempt so sorry X\_X)

I went to make my own James Bond clothing, but came back with a plain, white T-shirt

I had No Time To Dye.

How does James Bond like to sleep?

Under covers.

James Bond wakes up in a strange prison cell.

His head is bursting, he feels nauseous, he's been beaten up, he looks at his reflection in toilet bowl water and sees he has a black eye, and cuts on his face.

"Where am I? How did I get here? Who's taken me?", he asked himself, "I musht have been drugged, I can't recall a thing".

Foo...

You can imagine my surprise when I saw James Bond making burgers in the park

I guess he had a licence to grill

What spund does James Bond’s doorbell make?

Dong. Ding Dong

What does James Bond do before he falls asleep?

He goes "Under Cover"

Did you know that in the James Bond movies, all the action/risky scenes were performed by agent 0014?

of course, he was, after all, his double. I’ll see myself out.

What do you call a james bond film about a calculator?

Casio royale

What is James Bond called in Newfoundland?

007:30

What does James Bond's doorbell sounds like?

''Dong, Ding Dong''

Why the next James Bond should be a woman

The next Bond should be a woman!

Can you imagine? Crazy car scenes with spectacular crashes, explosions...

... And all of that while she's parking.

James Bond hits upon hard times and finds himself facing a job seeker interview...

James Bond hits upon hard times and finds himself facing a job seeker interview,

"Well Mr Bond we have two positions we can offer you, one is giving lectures to children on the benefits of a career in military intelligence, and the other is in the fabric staining department of a yarn mill. "<...

I asked my physician if he was a James Bond fan

Dr.: No

James Bond is a sleeper agent

He sleeps with every woman he comes across

James Bond walks into a bar

He looks around, and takes a seat neat to a very attractive women.

He gives her a quick glance, then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The women notices this and asks, "*Is your date running late?*"

"*No*", he replies, "*Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I...

James Bond is laid off

James Bond is laid off and at the job center, there are only two jobs available, one in a call center and the other in a fabric coloring plant

"Huh, " said Bond, "you expect me to talk?"

"No Mr Bond, " replied the interviewer, "I expect you to dye. "

What is the most unrealistic part of the newest James Bond movie?

A Brit with a full petrol tank.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

i once appeared in a james bond porno movie

I was a bit nervous but did manage to cum on Q.

What is James Bond’s favorite pasta…?

Mini Penne

I once tried shoplifting a James Bond dvd...

...but a security guard scared the living daylights out of me.

If James Bond was Spanish.

My name is Bond.
James Diego Jose Fransisco de Paula Juan Nepomuceno Maria del los Remedios omg Bond..

After completing filming of License to Kill, Timothy Dalton was dismayed when producers told him they wanted him to retire from the James Bond franchise.

He pleaded with producers to give him just one more film but they already had his replacement lined up, a younger actor they felt was more suitable for the leading role in an action movie. But Dalton wouldn't quit that easily. He convinced the producers that if he could best his would-be replacement...

OMG guys, you won't believe this but James Bond just came into the bar I work at and ordered a drink

I'm literally shaking right now

My Australian friend asked me to go see the new James Bond

My Australian friend asked me to go see the new James Bond.

I said "No time to die"?

He replied: we can go tomorrow then!

Sir Roger Moore, prominent James bond actor has passed away

His family say that they are shaken.... but not stirred

Just fought the James Bond.

I was really shaken. But not stirred.

What does James Bond dine on for Christmas?

Her Majesty's Secret Service

I told my coworker he should introduce himself like James Bond

The name's Moore, Steve Moore. At least that's what the ladies say.

James Bond is on a mission to the white house

007: Q!

Q: Yes sir

007: Do you have the package?

Q: Yes sir! It's armed and ready

007: Good. Now do you have a marker on you

Q: Uhh sure here

007: thanks

*writes on package: From Russia with Love*

007: He'll never suspect a thing

James Bond.

Do you think when he is out of the UK he is known as +44 007?

What did they lawyer say to James Bond?

I'd tell you but then I'd have to bill you.

What's the most unrealistic part of the new James bond movie?

A Brit with a full tank of petrol.

Unbelievable!!

What do you call it when James Bond crashes the US Stock market?

A SPYfall.

What do you call a suicidal James Bond?

The world is quite enough.

What's a Buddhist's least favourite James Bond movie?

You Only Live Twice

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

James Bond called his dick "cover"

You would shocked to hear how many times Britain's top spy had his cover blown....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW I'm pretty sure James Bond was having sex in the hotel room next door last night!!!

All I kept hearing was his lover's voice screaming "***Roger Moore***"

How does the modern-day James Bond prefer his women?

Shaven, not furred

How much would you pay to watch James Bond's secretary and Bruce Wayne's Butler team up for a Spy Action Thriller?

However much, you can bet you'd get your MoneysWorth.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Russian army officer was fired after having sex with James Bond during a mission.

It was a dishonorable discharge.

Michael J. Fox asked James Bond to come over for dinner one night.

Being a polite host, he offered Bond a drink when he arrived. "What'll ya have?" he asked.

"I'll have a Martini," Bond replied.

"How do you want it?" Michael J. Fox asked.

"Shaken, not stirred."

"Oh, thank God."

I gave my pet bird a haircut and now he thinks he's James Bond

Well, I suppose he is a shorn canary

Did you hear where they're looking for the new James Bond actor?

In Daniel Craigslist

James Bond retired and turned down a knighthood in England to live in Afghanistan where he became one of the most important men in the middle east.

Turns out he wanted to be Sheikh'en, not Sirred.

If James Bond led such a high-risk lifestyle...

why wasn't he James Stock?

-Caroline

Our local cinema is putting on a screening of the new James Bond film especially for dyslexics.

Respect

Q is showing James Bond a new super high tech spy earpiece and Bond says, "why don't I just wear an airPod? Everyone has them hanging out their ears nowadays. I won't draw any suspicion."

Q responds, "we researched them. Ours are less expensive."

Why is James Bond such a big fan of pottery?

He has a license to kiln.

So Sean Connery Died today.....

Couldn't he have died another day?



(Sean is hands down the best James Bond!)

James Bond walks into a bar...

James Bond walks into a bar.

Michael J. Fox is the bartender.

James Bond says "I'll have a martini."

He does not need to specify.

There was a less known James Bond

He used to shoot down Q's ideas for new gadgets, saying they were a waste of good taxpayer's money.

He was known as the savings Bond.

So the James Bond release has been suspended due to Corona virus

Apparently there is time to die

A chicken went to James Bond....

Chicken: Hello, how do you do?

James Bond: I'm doing alright

Chicken: What is your name?

James Bond: The name's Bond.....James Bond.How about you?

Chicken: Ken...... Chicken

James Bond is going to be played by a woman

As a woman, James Bond's name will be Fools, April Fools.

How is it possible for James Bond to ride a horse without stirrups?

He uses shaken-ups.

James Bond was charged with criminal possession of stolen property in the fourth degree.

The judge, while not surprised, did say it was Class E felony.

What kind of coffee machine does James Bond use?

A Q-rig

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A friend told me to try Viagra, he said it'll make me feel like James Bond.

I don't know about that but I can defiantly feel my Rodger Moore.

I meet James Bond at my university.

I meet James Bond at my university. After some greetings, I ask him: "Whats your GPA?"

James answers: "4

2.4."

Who is the worst spy in history?

James Bond. Because everyone knows him.

My friend calls me James Bonds while I play Call Of Duty....

0 - Kills

0 - Assists

7 - Deaths

Who always says his name 1½ times?

James Bond.

Three men are challenging each other's aim by shooting an apple on someone's head.

The first man fired his pistol 20 meters away, hits the apple.

"I'm James Bond." He said.

The second man shot an arrow 30 meters away, hits the apple.

"I'm Robin Hood." He said.

The third threw a boomerang 40 meters away, hits the forehead of that person.

"I'm sorr...

what do you call a female james bond?

0077 cents on the dollar

007 is both James Bonds number and Russias country code, a coincidence...?

...yes, that's a coincidence.

They have just announced the release of the new James Bond movie where the lead role is played by a woman.

It will be called “Double O .77 cents on the dollar”.

James Bond walks into a bar...

James Bond walks into a bar and sits next to a chicken.

Chicken: What's your name?

Bond: My name's Bond. James Bond.

Chicken: Nice to meet you, I'm Ken. Chick Ken.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An English man, An Irish man and a Scotish man.

An English man, An Irish man, and a Scotish man are sick to death for working on the same building site for years now.
The English man Says "Here look at this" pointing at a newspaper ad "Join the Secret service today."
"not very Secret then," says the Irish man.
"no ya goon it's like a Sec...

In honor of Sir Sean Connery (2 of 2)

James Bond is sitting at the bar doing a vodka martini, shaken not schtirred, when he notices a beautiful woman at the other end of the bar.

He glances at his watch, looks up and gives her a knowing wink.

Intrigued, she walks over, smiles and says, "What was that all about? Why did y...

True story from the in-laws.

Was at the in-laws' place (okay my girlfriend's parents') and was chatting with her father as grandpa was watching a James Bond film.

Father: Well, TheCapedMoose, who's the better bond, Shaun Connery or Roger Moore?

Me: I dunno, it's kind of a toss up...

Father: No it isn't, Sh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What would happen if James Bond took Viagra?

He would continue to be a state-sponsored terrorist whose actions disgrace us all.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.