UPJOKE
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James Bond is fast asleep in bed when suddenly there is an earthquake!

He is shaken but not stirred.

There is a reason why Daniel Craig has grey hair in the new James Bond film.

It's because he's got 'No Time to Dye'.

Did you know that in the James Bond movies, all the action/risky scenes were performed by agent 0014?

of course, he was, after all, his double. I’ll see myself out.

who is James bonds favorite bar tender?

Michael J. Fox

What does James Bond do before he goes to bed?

He goes undercover.

James Bond gets called into M's office

M: I have a job for you. You will have to disguise yourself as a blond businessman called John Smith.

Bond: But I have dark hair! Do you expect me to wear a wig or something?!

M: No mister Bond, I expect you to dye.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

i once appeared in a james bond porno movie

I was a bit nervous but did manage to cum on Q.

How does James Bond like to sleep?

Under covers.

Why the next James Bond should be a woman

The next Bond should be a woman!

Can you imagine? Crazy car scenes with spectacular crashes, explosions...

... And all of that while she's parking.

My Australian friend asked me to go see the new James Bond

My Australian friend asked me to go see the new James Bond.

I said "No time to die"?

He replied: we can go tomorrow then!

Why doesn't James Bond fart in bed?

Because it would blow his cover

Where do James Bond Actors go when they die?

00Heaven

What is the most unrealistic part of the newest James Bond movie?

A Brit with a full petrol tank.

What do you call an Old James Bond?

Bearer Bond

You can imagine my surprise when I saw James Bond making burgers in the park

I guess he had a licence to grill

James Bond walks into a bar

He looks around, and takes a seat neat to a very attractive women.

He gives her a quick glance, then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The women notices this and asks, "*Is your date running late?*"

"*No*", he replies, "*Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I...

What's the most unrealistic part of the new James bond movie?

A Brit with a full tank of petrol.

Unbelievable!!

Just fought the James Bond.

I was really shaken. But not stirred.

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Viagra...It won't make you James Bond.....

But it would make you Roger Moore.

James Bond orders a sandwich

James Bond goes to a deli and orders a club sandwich.

The employee says to him, "Mr. Bond, we have ham or turkey. How would you like it?"

Bond replies, "bacon, not bird."

After completing filming of License to Kill, Timothy Dalton was dismayed when producers told him they wanted him to retire from the James Bond franchise.

He pleaded with producers to give him just one more film but they already had his replacement lined up, a younger actor they felt was more suitable for the leading role in an action movie. But Dalton wouldn't quit that easily. He convinced the producers that if he could best his would-be replacement...

I asked my physician if he was a James Bond fan

Dr.: No

James Bond is a sleeper agent

He sleeps with every woman he comes across

What do you call a james bond film about a calculator?

Casio royale

OMG guys, you won't believe this but James Bond just came into the bar I work at and ordered a drink

I'm literally shaking right now

Do you knwo what will be James Bond's fetish when he gets older?

Bond-age.

James Bond wakes up in a strange prison cell.

His head is bursting, he feels nauseous, he's been beaten up, he looks at his reflection in toilet bowl water and sees he has a black eye, and cuts on his face.

"Where am I? How did I get here? Who's taken me?", he asked himself, "I musht have been drugged, I can't recall a thing".

Foo...

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NSFW I'm pretty sure James Bond was having sex in the hotel room next door last night!!!

All I kept hearing was his lover's voice screaming "***Roger Moore***"

I once tried shoplifting a James Bond dvd...

...but a security guard scared the living daylights out of me.

My friend calls me James Bonds while I play Call Of Duty....

0 - Kills

0 - Assists

7 - Deaths

What did they lawyer say to James Bond?

I'd tell you but then I'd have to bill you.

What do you call it when James Bond crashes the US Stock market?

A SPYfall.

What does James Bond's doorbell sounds like?

''Dong, Ding Dong''

I gave my pet bird a haircut and now he thinks he's James Bond

Well, I suppose he is a shorn canary

What does James Bond dine on for Christmas?

Her Majesty's Secret Service

What do you call a suicidal James Bond?

The world is quite enough.

What's a Buddhist's least favourite James Bond movie?

You Only Live Twice

Sir Roger Moore, prominent James bond actor has passed away

His family say that they are shaken.... but not stirred

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James Bond called his dick "cover"

You would shocked to hear how many times Britain's top spy had his cover blown....

If James Bond was Spanish.

My name is Bond.
James Diego Jose Fransisco de Paula Juan Nepomuceno Maria del los Remedios omg Bond..

James Bond.

Do you think when he is out of the UK he is known as +44 007?

How much would you pay to watch James Bond's secretary and Bruce Wayne's Butler team up for a Spy Action Thriller?

However much, you can bet you'd get your MoneysWorth.

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A Russian army officer was fired after having sex with James Bond during a mission.

It was a dishonorable discharge.

James Bond is laid off

James Bond is laid off and at the job center, there are only two jobs available, one in a call center and the other in a fabric coloring plant

"Huh, " said Bond, "you expect me to talk?"

"No Mr Bond, " replied the interviewer, "I expect you to dye. "

James Bond hits upon hard times and finds himself facing a job seeker interview...

James Bond hits upon hard times and finds himself facing a job seeker interview,

"Well Mr Bond we have two positions we can offer you, one is giving lectures to children on the benefits of a career in military intelligence, and the other is in the fabric staining department of a yarn mill. "<...

Q is showing James Bond a new super high tech spy earpiece and Bond says, "why don't I just wear an airPod? Everyone has them hanging out their ears nowadays. I won't draw any suspicion."

Q responds, "we researched them. Ours are less expensive."

James Bond retired and turned down a knighthood in England to live in Afghanistan where he became one of the most important men in the middle east.

Turns out he wanted to be Sheikh'en, not Sirred.

James Bond is on a mission to the white house

007: Q!

Q: Yes sir

007: Do you have the package?

Q: Yes sir! It's armed and ready

007: Good. Now do you have a marker on you

Q: Uhh sure here

007: thanks

*writes on package: From Russia with Love*

007: He'll never suspect a thing

How does the modern-day James Bond prefer his women?

Shaven, not furred

James Bond is going to be played by a woman

As a woman, James Bond's name will be Fools, April Fools.

Michael J. Fox asked James Bond to come over for dinner one night.

Being a polite host, he offered Bond a drink when he arrived. "What'll ya have?" he asked.

"I'll have a Martini," Bond replied.

"How do you want it?" Michael J. Fox asked.

"Shaken, not stirred."

"Oh, thank God."

A chicken went to James Bond....

Chicken: Hello, how do you do?

James Bond: I'm doing alright

Chicken: What is your name?

James Bond: The name's Bond.....James Bond.How about you?

Chicken: Ken...... Chicken

Our local cinema is putting on a screening of the new James Bond film especially for dyslexics.

Respect

There was a less known James Bond

He used to shoot down Q's ideas for new gadgets, saying they were a waste of good taxpayer's money.

He was known as the savings Bond.

So the James Bond release has been suspended due to Corona virus

Apparently there is time to die

If James Bond led such a high-risk lifestyle...

why wasn't he James Stock?

-Caroline

What kind of coffee machine does James Bond use?

A Q-rig

I'm inventing a glue and calling it James Bond...

It's a chemical agent.

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A friend told me to try Viagra, he said it'll make me feel like James Bond.

I don't know about that but I can defiantly feel my Rodger Moore.

Why is James Bond such a big fan of pottery?

He has a license to kiln.

So Sean Connery Died today.....

Couldn't he have died another day?



(Sean is hands down the best James Bond!)

James Bond was charged with criminal possession of stolen property in the fourth degree.

The judge, while not surprised, did say it was Class E felony.

How is it possible for James Bond to ride a horse without stirrups?

He uses shaken-ups.

They have just announced the release of the new James Bond movie where the lead role is played by a woman.

It will be called “Double O .77 cents on the dollar”.

James Bond approached by a student

Student: Hello sir
Bond: I'm Bond, James Bond
Student: OMG I knew it was you, I always wanted to be an agent like you, what should I do to be one.
BOND: A lot depends on your academic performance, tell me what's your GPA?
Student: Four........... Two point four.

James Bond goes down to breakfast at a hotel

The hotel manager asks, "How was your wake up call, sir?"

"It was rather rude!" Bond replies, grumpily.

"Oh no! Would you care to elaborate so we make sure not to make the same mistake again?" The manager asks.

"Well I was shaken, not stirred!"

James Bond walks into a bar...

James Bond walks into a bar and sits next to a chicken.

Chicken: What's your name?

Bond: My name's Bond. James Bond.

Chicken: Nice to meet you, I'm Ken. Chick Ken.

I meet James Bond at my university.

I meet James Bond at my university. After some greetings, I ask him: "Whats your GPA?"

James answers: "4

2.4."

James Bond and Money Penny are locked in a trunk...

Money Penny: What's that jabbing me in the gluteus maximus?

Bond: my PPK?

Money Penny: 'K

One good thing of the whole war...

...Russia will continue being James Bond story material.

What your score in the last test, James?

James Bond: 95%.............34.95%

James Bond walks into a bar...

James Bond walks into a bar.

Michael J. Fox is the bartender.

James Bond says "I'll have a martini."

He does not need to specify.

Three men are challenging each other's aim by shooting an apple on someone's head.

The first man fired his pistol 20 meters away, hits the apple.

"I'm James Bond." He said.

The second man shot an arrow 30 meters away, hits the apple.

"I'm Robin Hood." He said.

The third threw a boomerang 40 meters away, hits the forehead of that person.

"I'm sorr...

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The Names Bond

So, James Bond retired and a new 007 took his place. She had trained all her life for this role, and was eager to do her duty for queen and country. Her first day on the job, she was introduced to Q, who debriefed her on all her new gadgets. The one he was most proud of was a dress that could perfor...

What's your name?

The receptionist asks 007 his name
He replies "Bond...James Bond"

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"I didn't ask for your middle name Bond Bond"

In honor of Sir Sean Connery (1 of 2)

What is James Bond's favorite time to tune into Wimbledon?

Tennish.

True story from the in-laws.

Was at the in-laws' place (okay my girlfriend's parents') and was chatting with her father as grandpa was watching a James Bond film.

Father: Well, TheCapedMoose, who's the better bond, Shaun Connery or Roger Moore?

Me: I dunno, it's kind of a toss up...

Father: No it isn't, Sh...

In honor of Sir Sean Connery (2 of 2)

James Bond is sitting at the bar doing a vodka martini, shaken not schtirred, when he notices a beautiful woman at the other end of the bar.

He glances at his watch, looks up and gives her a knowing wink.

Intrigued, she walks over, smiles and says, "What was that all about? Why did y...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What would happen if James Bond took Viagra?

He would continue to be a state-sponsored terrorist whose actions disgrace us all.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An English man, An Irish man and a Scotish man.

An English man, An Irish man, and a Scotish man are sick to death for working on the same building site for years now.
The English man Says "Here look at this" pointing at a newspaper ad "Join the Secret service today."
"not very Secret then," says the Irish man.
"no ya goon it's like a Sec...

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