James Bond is fast asleep in bed when suddenly there is an earthquake!

He is shaken but not stirred.

James Bond gets called into M's office

M: I have a job for you. You will have to disguise yourself as a blond businessman called John Smith.

Bond: But I have dark hair! Do you expect me to wear a wig or something?!

M: No mister Bond, I expect you to dye.

I asked my physician if he was a James Bond fan

Dr.: No

There is a reason why Daniel Craig has grey hair in the new James Bond film.

It's because he's got 'No Time to Dye'.

How much would you pay to watch James Bond's secretary and Bruce Wayne's Butler team up for a Spy Action Thriller?

However much, you can bet you'd get your MoneysWorth.

What do you call it when James Bond crashes the US Stock market?

A SPYfall.

What is James Bond’s favorite pasta…?

Mini Penne

James Bond wakes up in a strange prison cell.

His head is bursting, he feels nauseous, he's been beaten up, he looks at his reflection in toilet bowl water and sees he has a black eye, and cuts on his face.

"Where am I? How did I get here? Who's taken me?", he asked himself, "I musht have been drugged, I can't recall a thing".

Foo...

After completing filming of License to Kill, Timothy Dalton was dismayed when producers told him they wanted him to retire from the James Bond franchise.

He pleaded with producers to give him just one more film but they already had his replacement lined up, a younger actor they felt was more suitable for the leading role in an action movie. But Dalton wouldn't quit that easily. He convinced the producers that if he could best his would-be replacement...

What does James Bond's doorbell sounds like?

''Dong, Ding Dong''

James Bond's father :

How many marks did you get?

James Bond: 95% ………… 34.95%

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A Russian army officer was fired after having sex with James Bond during a mission.

It was a dishonorable discharge.

Just fought the James Bond.

I was really shaken. But not stirred.

What's a Buddhist's least favourite James Bond movie?

You Only Live Twice

I told my coworker he should introduce himself like James Bond

The name's Moore, Steve Moore. At least that's what the ladies say.

James Bond orders a sandwich

James Bond goes to a deli and orders a club sandwich.

The employee says to him, "Mr. Bond, we have ham or turkey. How would you like it?"

Bond replies, "bacon, not bird."

Why doesn't James Bond fart in bed?

Because it would blow his cover

I gave my pet bird a haircut and now he thinks he's James Bond

Well, I suppose he is a shorn canary

What do you call a suicidal James Bond?

The world is quite enough.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW I'm pretty sure James Bond was having sex in the hotel room next door last night!!!

All I kept hearing was his lover's voice screaming "***Roger Moore***"

I once tried shoplifting a James Bond dvd...

...but a security guard scared the living daylights out of me.

Sir Roger Moore, prominent James bond actor has passed away

His family say that they are shaken.... but not stirred

James Bond is going to be played by a woman

As a woman, James Bond's name will be Fools, April Fools.

If James Bond was Spanish.

My name is Bond.
James Diego Jose Fransisco de Paula Juan Nepomuceno Maria del los Remedios omg Bond..

James Bond is a sleeper agent

He sleeps with every woman he comes across

What do you call a james bond film about a calculator?

Casio royale

OMG guys, you won't believe this but James Bond just came into the bar I work at and ordered a drink

I'm literally shaking right now

There was a less known James Bond

He used to shoot down Q's ideas for new gadgets, saying they were a waste of good taxpayer's money.

He was known as the savings Bond.

What does James Bond dine on for Christmas?

Her Majesty's Secret Service

My friend calls me James Bonds while I play Call Of Duty....

0 - Kills

0 - Assists

7 - Deaths

Few people know, that James Bond once had a partner, Agent 014

But he was exposed as a double agent.

James Bond.

Do you think when he is out of the UK he is known as +44 007?

What did they lawyer say to James Bond?

I'd tell you but then I'd have to bill you.

How does the modern-day James Bond prefer his women?

Shaven, not furred

Where do dead James Bond actors go when they die?

00Heaven (no disrespect meant, just remembered it now)

James Bond is laid off

James Bond is laid off and at the job center, there are only two jobs available, one in a call center and the other in a fabric coloring plant

"Huh, " said Bond, "you expect me to talk?"

"No Mr Bond, " replied the interviewer, "I expect you to dye. "

So the James Bond release has been suspended due to Corona virus

Apparently there is time to die

James bond walks into a bar..

A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?”

“No,” he replies, “Q has just given me this sta...

James Bond walks into a bar

James Bond walks into a bar and sits next to a lady. After his order is taken he looks at his watch and says: according to my watch, you’re not wearing any underwear. But I do wear underwear! The lady replies. My apologies, James says, my watch must be an hour ahead of time!

Q is showing James Bond a new super high tech spy earpiece and Bond says, "why don't I just wear an airPod? Everyone has them hanging out their ears nowadays. I won't draw any suspicion."

Q responds, "we researched them. Ours are less expensive."

Michael J. Fox asked James Bond to come over for dinner one night.

Being a polite host, he offered Bond a drink when he arrived. "What'll ya have?" he asked.

"I'll have a Martini," Bond replied.

"How do you want it?" Michael J. Fox asked.

"Shaken, not stirred."

"Oh, thank God."

James Bond retired and turned down a knighthood in England to live in Afghanistan where he became one of the most important men in the middle east.

Turns out he wanted to be Sheikh'en, not Sirred.

A chicken went to James Bond....

Chicken: Hello, how do you do?

James Bond: I'm doing alright

Chicken: What is your name?

James Bond: The name's Bond.....James Bond.How about you?

Chicken: Ken...... Chicken

James Bond is on a mission to the white house

007: Q!

Q: Yes sir

007: Do you have the package?

Q: Yes sir! It's armed and ready

007: Good. Now do you have a marker on you

Q: Uhh sure here

007: thanks

*writes on package: From Russia with Love*

007: He'll never suspect a thing

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead undergo spy training

The pass all test with ease, and score top marks on all exams. Finally, after an easy year of training, they are told to go the headmaster's office, James Bond himself. "First of all, congratulations for you excellent grades in all classes, he said, but you have one final exam to pass. In the room b...

How is it possible for James Bond to ride a horse without stirrups?

He uses shaken-ups.

James Bond was charged with criminal possession of stolen property in the fourth degree.

The judge, while not surprised, did say it was Class E felony.

If James Bond led such a high-risk lifestyle...

why wasn't he James Stock?

-Caroline

James Bond hits upon hard times and finds himself facing a job seeker interview...

James Bond hits upon hard times and finds himself facing a job seeker interview,

"Well Mr Bond we have two positions we can offer you, one is giving lectures to children on the benefits of a career in military intelligence, and the other is in the fabric staining department of a yarn mill. "<...

Our local cinema is putting on a screening of the new James Bond film especially for dyslexics.

Respect

They have just announced the release of the new James Bond movie where the lead role is played by a woman.

It will be called “Double O .77 cents on the dollar”.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW) Name your James Bond Porno...Go!

From Russia With Glove:No Glove = No Love

I'm inventing a glue and calling it James Bond...

It's a chemical agent.

So Sean Connery Died today.....

Couldn't he have died another day?



(Sean is hands down the best James Bond!)

What kind of coffee machine does James Bond use?

A Q-rig

James Bond walks into a bar...

James Bond walks into a bar and sits next to a chicken.

Chicken: What's your name?

Bond: My name's Bond. James Bond.

Chicken: Nice to meet you, I'm Ken. Chick Ken.

James Bond approached by a student

Student: Hello sir
Bond: I'm Bond, James Bond
Student: OMG I knew it was you, I always wanted to be an agent like you, what should I do to be one.
BOND: A lot depends on your academic performance, tell me what's your GPA?
Student: Four........... Two point four.

True story from the in-laws.

Was at the in-laws' place (okay my girlfriend's parents') and was chatting with her father as grandpa was watching a James Bond film.

Father: Well, TheCapedMoose, who's the better bond, Shaun Connery or Roger Moore?

Me: I dunno, it's kind of a toss up...

Father: No it isn't, Sh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

True story

After our daughter went to bed, my wife and I were watching a “James Bond” movie and, after a bit, he took off his shirt and I, joking around, said to my wife:
“Oh, you like that don’t you? You’re probably getting horny!”
Suddenly, I saw our kid behind the couch and she asked:
“What’s ho...

James Bond walks into a bar...

James Bond walks into a bar.

Michael J. Fox is the bartender.

James Bond says "I'll have a martini."

He does not need to specify.

what do you call a female james bond?

0077 cents on the dollar

I meet James Bond at my university.

I meet James Bond at my university. After some greetings, I ask him: "Whats your GPA?"

James answers: "4

2.4."

The names Bond...

I am writing the next James Bond movie. In order to thwart Bonds womanizing means of infiltration, the latest evil mastermind has employed an army of devout nuns.

I am calling it, Hymen’s Are Forever.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Topical Jokes for April

(didn't post the last batch, so here's all of the recent ones)

4/28
Los Angeles police are looking for a vandal that spraypainted a police horse. The horse didn’t get a good look at the suspect because it was dark, and because the horse has no idea that it’s a cop.

Billionaire Richa...

In honor of Sir Sean Connery (2 of 2)

James Bond is sitting at the bar doing a vodka martini, shaken not schtirred, when he notices a beautiful woman at the other end of the bar.

He glances at his watch, looks up and gives her a knowing wink.

Intrigued, she walks over, smiles and says, "What was that all about? Why did y...

What's your name?

The receptionist asks 007 his name
He replies "Bond...James Bond"

.
.
.


"I didn't ask for your middle name Bond Bond"

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The Names Bond

So, James Bond retired and a new 007 took his place. She had trained all her life for this role, and was eager to do her duty for queen and country. Her first day on the job, she was introduced to Q, who debriefed her on all her new gadgets. The one he was most proud of was a dress that could perfor...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was recently clearing out my drug cabinet...

I came across a packet of James Bond 007 branded Viagra.

Apparently they make you Roger Moore!

My science teacher told us this

James Bond says to a chicken, "I'm Bond, James Bond." The chicken turns and says, "Well I'm Ken, Chic-ken."

I'll see myself out...

At 26 years old. I just learned

That the Austin Powers movies are James Bond spoofs.

TLDR: The joke is my life.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An English man, An Irish man and a Scotish man.

An English man, An Irish man, and a Scotish man are sick to death for working on the same building site for years now.
The English man Says "Here look at this" pointing at a newspaper ad "Join the Secret service today."
"not very Secret then," says the Irish man.
"no ya goon it's like a Sec...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What would happen if James Bond took Viagra?

He would continue to be a state-sponsored terrorist whose actions disgrace us all.

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