The band U2 recently developed a GPS...

It's terrible! The streets have no name, and I still haven't found what I'm looking for!

Why is the bass player always the happiest person in the band?

The guitar player needs to know how to score weed

The singer needs to know how to score chicks

The drummer needs to own a van big enough for the gear

And the bass player gets weed, chicks, and a ride home

Heard of the new band 1023MB?

They haven't had any gigs yet.

A guy asked me if I could name a better prog-rock band than RUSH.

I said Yes.

Going to the local tattoo shop to get a realistic tattoo of a band aid on my elbow.

I'm just hoping that they can pull it off!

Have you heard about the band called "1023 Megabytes?"

They haven't made it to a gig yet.

I can't believe there's a band named after diode flow...

One Direction

My Father says he was in an 80's band...

I don't believe him but he's ADAMANT (sorry, I made that up!)

What's President Trump's new favorite band?

Air Supply

What do you get when you cross the ultimate jam band with the ultimate cheesy arena rock band?

Phish Styx

Al Gore and a computer scientist started a band.

The Al Gore Rhythms

I watched a UB40 tribute band called WD40.

They were a bit rusty at first, but got better as the evening went on.

Why are band students so offensive?

They use alot of slurs...

What band is most appropriate in an office setting?

A rubber band.

Did you hear about the one man band on the New York subway?

Probably not, he's an underground artist

What is Borat’s favorite band?

Slip

A shout out to the guy who played the triangle with our band for the last few years...

... thanks for every ting.

if you replace all the members of a band one by one over time is it still the same band ?

Yes

The special ed students made a metal band.

It’s called Syndrome of a Down.

What's a Ferengi's least favourite band?

The lost prophets

Have you heard that new dog sled team from Canada that formed a rock band?

They're called Mush.

I used to play the triangle in a reggae band

Had to leave cause it was one ting after another

What do you call Nikola Tesla and Thomas Edison's band?

AC/DC

Why shouldn't you let kids watch big band performances on TV?

Too much sax and violins.

I used to be in a band named "fizzy tablet"

But we dissolved pretty quickly.

Did you hear about the heavy metal band that started a huge protest but without shouting or talking? They ended up destroying a bunch of property, though...

It was a quiet riot

My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with the band Garbage.

Stupid Girl.

A group of politicians started a band

with Al Gore as the drummer. Old Al could never get the hang of keeping time, though: he would play 3/4 beats on 4/4 songs and 2/4 beats on 3/4 songs. It was always a mess, but the band tried to work through things and kept playing shows in spite of Al's problems. Obviously, they weren't very suc...

What did the band member say after he got tired of holding his own music?

"I can't do this anymore! It's time I took a stand!"

I used to be in a band called "The Hinges"

We opened for The Doors

I was at a bar once, and the band played "Jump"

.. and everyone jumped. Then the band played "Twist and Shout" and everyone twisted and shouted.

Then the band played "Come on Eileen". Poor Eileen!

What band did Dr Seuss make?

The Who

One of my band members asked why I was using such a thin plectrum...

I told him it was slim pickin’s at the music shop.

After a generous contribution by the band Thin Lizzy, a seaside village was able to put their navigation marks back out to sea

The residents are ecstatic. The buoys are back in town.

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Have you heard the band "The Coprophonics"?

They sound like shit.

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What do you call a Nazi leader who only listens to obscure bands?

Adolf Hipster

I'm in a band!

It's called Lost Cat.

You're probably seen some of our posters.

A band group was practicing the night before their big performance...

The rehearsal was going great! But the guitarist went up to the band leader.

“I’m not so sure that I’m going to do well tomorrow. I really don’t want to screw it up.”

The leader replies: “our performance will be just fine as long as you don’t fret!”

The guitarist has a puzzled l...

I've written a musical about a band of London pick-pockets set in modern times...

It's basically Oliver! with a twist.

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Stevie Nicks and Lindsey Buckingham asked Richard Cheese to record an album with their band.

It was called "Fleetwood Mac and Cheese"

A Priest dies and goes to heaven. As he's approaching the gates, he hears a band of singing and dancing angels approach, and he begins to get excited.

The lead angel approaches the Priest and asks if he would mind stepping aside for a moment.

Surprised, the Priest does as he's asked.

The angels march out of the gates and encircle a man who has also approached the gates. The man is in a bus driver uniform.

The joyous parade of ...

I've been having dreams about being in an alternative rock band

must be all that R.E.M. sleep I've been getting.

What band was named after an oyster’s least favorite bedroom activity?

Pearl Jam

What is Cookie Monster’s favourite band?

OREO Speedwagon!

I gotta confess, it’s not my joke.

I heard it from a friend who,
Heard it from a friend who...

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A male band member’s manager learns that a local tabloid is looking for something scandalous to write a story about.

Trying to get ahead of whatever is coming, they go ahead and write out a list of rules for their client to follow to try and avoid catching the press’s attention. They emailed the list to the celebrity and told them to follow the instructions very closely.

A few days later, one of the manage...

My printer just told me it was joining a band

Which makes sense.

It loves to jam.

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The Tale of the Animal Band

So there was this horse, and recently he had gone through some tough times. His wife left him, he lost his job, and rent day was coming ever closer. This is when he had a brainwave: He was going to get his childhood band back together. So the first member to convince was the cow. Now the cow was pre...

A group of fans are discussing their favorite band members

The newest fan of the group can’t decide whether they like the guitarist or vocalist more. Both are hot and both are great musicians.

One of the older fans chimes in, “Well, then consider who’d be better in bed.”

Confused, they respond,” How do I do that?”

“Do you prefer someone...

During a zoom band class the teacher asked a student to name different notes. As he was reading them he stopped suddenly and said, "I forgot what note this is"

A bandmate put an F in the chat.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I ran into the drummer from my old high school garage band...

After the usual "we should get the band back together" bullshit, we started talking about how life has been over all these years gone by.

I told him my wife (coincidentally, also a guitar player) and I have 6 happy and healthy kids now. And how, oh so cleverly, we named them after the common ...

A horse is sitting at home, bored, watching MTV...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the ...

I've joined a band called the foreskins

We mostly play cheesy covers

I just listened to a heavy metal band singing about norse gods

Now that's what I call Ragna-rock!

Did you hear about the band called 1023MB?

They're good, but they haven't got a gig yet.

I was thinking of going as a Band-Aid this Halloween, but then I decided against it.

I think it would be hard to pull off.

What do you call people who enjoy the band U2?

Pro Bono

I like three Motown bands.

Four tops.

I've just joined a rock band that play the same songs in the same order at every gig.

We're OC/DC

What's Indiana Jones's least favorite band?

The Rolling Stones

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How to give your cat a pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
<...

What do you call a boy band made up of misogynistic men?

Despise girls

A joke that nobody at my band camp enjoyed.

Why did the courier have to quit the band?

Because he couldn't CARRY a tune.

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A struggling rock band...

A struggling indies band from Brooklyn, The Spoonerists, was in the process of recording their debut album. The artistic sentiment of the group led them to use ambient sounds from nature in their arrangements. One of the members of the band took it upon himself to go out in to the field and make rec...

I quit the band

now I just play with myself

My band and I had our first significant gig tonight, but afterwards I realized that it would have been way cooler with a fog machine...

It was a huge mist opportunity.

Did you know the 80's pop band "A Flock of Seagulls" is gaining alot of attention in the middle east? They're getting really popular in Pakistan, Afghanistan

And Iran, I ran so far away!

A middle school band director named Joe is having trouble instructing his students to play their instruments.

One girl is being extremely difficult and cannot play the flute to save her life. Finally he walks over to her and hits her in the head with her flute, killing her. She dies instantly and he is sentenced to death by electrocution. The warden asks what he would like his last meal to be. Joe says "I'd...

I'm really pleased that our band has just signed a Jamaican triangle player.

Now every little *ting* is gonna be all right!

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" ...

A group of scientists start a band. What's it called?

Ion Maiden

What does the band Pearl Jam say when they’re discouraged?

Ugh, we’re not getting Eddy Vetter!

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If I had a band

If I ever started a band I'd vote to name it something like "dicks in the ass" so when it was brought up in conversation, it would go something like this:

Person 1: Dude! I heard this awesome song yesterday!

Person 2: Oh yeah? Who wrote it?!

Person 1: Dicks in the ass

P...

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I Accidentally jerked off while wearing my fitness band...

Later found out you are supposed to wear fitness band on your wrist..

I had my picture taken with the band R.E.M. once...

That's me in the corner.

How do emo bands prepare for their shows?

They self-harmonize.

Your typical rock band

In my history of Rock and Roll class, chapter 13 focused on the early rock artists post punk era. At the very beginning of the chapter the band King Crimson is briefly mentioned, they seemed to have qualities that later artist would adopt and were quite popular, with songs such as 21 century schizoi...

I used to be in a band called the radiators...

We were a warm up act. Then I joined the duvets. We did mainly covers.

A young man wanted to learn an instrument, so he bought himself a bass guitar.

Not knowing where to begin, he decides to take music lessons. After some searching he finds an old bassist who is offering beginner classes at a reasonable rate. He calls the man and they schedule a meeting for the next evening.

The young man leaves work the next day and heads to the lesson. ...

Have you heard about the band 999MB?

They haven't gotten a gig yet.



Edit to clarify: There are two systems. More people know about the one wherein 1024MB = 1GB. However, the IEC proposed a new one where 1000MB = 1GB. This change isn't well known, but it is more accurate. Sorry for the confusion!

You know what the name of Al Gore’s new math rock band is?

Al Gore Rhythm

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An old farmer is known across the state for his giant pumpkins.

An old farmer is known across the state for his giant pumpkins.

Every year he takes the blue ribbon at the state fair for biggest pumpkin, and every year his town throws a Pumpkin Parade for him where he drives the winner down Main Street in the back of his pickup, the local marching band pla...

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The Donald Went Down to Georgia

The Donald went down to Georgia.

He was lookin' for a vote to steal.

He was in a bind 'cause he was way behind.

He was willing to make a deal

When he came across this old man givin' a speech and doin' it hot.

And the Donald jumped upon a hickory stump and said "Man...

Husband goes with his wife to her high school reunion

After meeting several of her friends and former school mates, they are sitting at a table where he is yawning and overly bored.

The band cranks up and people are beginning to dance. There's a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing, moon walking, back flips, buying drinks for p...

What's the most important part of a heavy metal band?

The lead singer.

My friend and I were backstage with band U2 and two other people.

I said “hey look, I’m here with u2, you two, and you too!”

I counted 1500 lockdown protesters in our city.

Hold on, it's 900.

Edit: No, wait, it's 500.

What do you call a guy who plays in a band?

Benjamin.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jimmie, an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship again.

One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty, silver-haired lady sitting alone on a park bench. Getting his nerve up, he approached the lady and asked graciously, "Pardon me, ma'am, but may I sit here with you?"


The silver-haired Marcie...

The band was playing cheesy 80s music

So I ran, I ran so far away.

Why is it so hard to find the world's best tribute band?

Because they cover their tracks so well

I made it into my school’s honor band, and we had to try on suits to see which ones fit.

I went late in the order, and my suit didn’t fit, so I had to change into a different suit. That one fit, so I went to the bathroom to change out of it. In between taking my dress pants off and putting my regular pants off there was a fire drill.

It really caught me with my pants down.
...

Harry, Ron, Fred and George started a boy band together called...

Wand Erection

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Paddy staggered into his house after a night of drinking. He tip-toed up the stairs to avoid waking his wife Kathleen, but tripped & fell on his rump.

A whiskey bottle in each back pocket made the landing especially painful. He stifled a yell, pulled down his pants & looked into the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut & bleeding. Quietly he managed to find a box of Band-Aids and put one on each place he saw blood. The next mo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A band needs a new member

A guy shows up and says "fuck black people."

They look at him shocked, and he goes on to say "Asians suck too."

They're gobsmacked, and then he says "don't even get me started on Mexicans."

Finally, the lead singer says to him "the ad was for a *bassist*."

I like to pick up women at Cover Band concerts.

Since I already know they are willing to settle.

I started the biggest rock band in the galaxy.

We're called the Asteroid Belt.

English lord returns home and finds his wife in bed with her lover...

... He quietly leaves the room, and calls the butler:

\- John, could you please bring me my saber.

John brings the saber. The lord takes it and enters the bedroom. A few seconds later he comes out, wiping the saber with a handkerchief, and tells the butler:

\- John, please bring...

In a small American town, a band of squirrels had become quite a problem.

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

At the Baptist church the squirrels had tak...

My friend's hobbies include photography and playing in an 80's band. He's a lot like a tree in that way

they both like to photo synthesize

What was the Luddite's favorite band?

Rage Against the Machine.

The band members of Foreigner have been in quarantine since this pandemic started

They have fevers of 103F

I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia where I deny the existance of certain 80s bands..

there is no cure

I don't know who won the battle of the bands but I know who lost

The audience

So a cow is watching someone play guitar on TV

He says "I wanna learn to play like that." and he goes to a music teacher, and asks him to teach him the guitar. "Well, it might be difficult, but I think I can teach a cow to play guitar."

A month goes by and the cow has mastered the guitar. A chicken walks by and hears the cow playing, and ...

Did someone lose a roll of 20 dollar bills wrapped in a rubber band?

Cause' I found the rubber band

Who is the most popular band on earth right now?

Widespread Panic.

Which band had a hit single with “Jive Talkin’”?

A) Gees


B) Gees


C) Gees


D) Gees

Who’s your favourite Christian rock band?

Mines psalm 41

An assistant to Donald Trump

>**An assistant to Donald Trump told him she had a fantastic dream last night.**
**There was a huge parade down Pennsylvania Avenue celebrating Trump.** 
**Millions lined the parade route, cheering when the President went past.**
**Bands were playing; children were throwing confett...

Trumps personal assistant: „Hey Mr. President, All will be good! I had an awesome dream last night!“

T: „Oh really!? Tell me!!“
A: „There was a big parade in Washington with a hell of people celebrating your presence! Millions of people yelled out of joy when you passed them on the road, bands were playing, kids throwing confetti in the air! It was the most epic celebration ever been held in Was...

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