Why did Han Solo call Chewbacca a noob?

He made a Wookiee mistake

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What does a drum solo and premature ejaculation have in common?

You know what's coming but there's fuck all you can do about it.

Han Solo didn’t like his steak…

… because it was Chewy.

Longest Drum Solo

The longest drum solo was 10 hours and 25 minutes and it was performed by a child sitting behind me on a flight from LA to Tokyo.

Dexter Holland wasn't always lead singer of the Offspring

Long ago he was in the seafood industry. He had a job shucking oysters for a restaurant. Anyway, one day he sees an ad for a competition in oyster shucking, but it is a team challenge. He shows up solo, and knows he won't be let in. His confidence is low at this point, but he still signs up. The att...

Steve Winwood began his solo career in 1977.

He would have started sooner, but he was stuck in traffic.

3 dirty Star Wars jokes

1) Why was Han Solo suspicious when he finally got inside Princess Leia?

Because it was Luke warm

2) Why was Han Solo suspicious when he was eating Princess Leia?

Because she felt chewy

3) Did Han do the right thing when he confronted Leia about these?

No, that nig...

The world record for a drum solo is 10 hours and 17 minutes.

It’s held by the kid who sat behind me on American Airlines flight 86 from DFW to Paris.

How did the captain of the Millennium Falcon satisfy himself before he met Leia?

With his Hans, Solo

Opporknockity

James was a talented pianist, but just wasn't top tier in his talent. He had plenty of smaller venue gigs, but every time he auditioned for large concerts, he was softly rejected as being "so close, but the other person was just a tad better".

One day he was at a carnival, and for laughs he w...

What did Han Solo name his clone?

Han Duo

How come witches fly solo?

Because there's no broom left for anyone else.

Your call is very important to us.

So please enjoy this 40-minute flute solo.

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Trumpeter

A trumpeter is hired to play two solos for a movie. After the sessions, he is paid handsomely and promised by the director that he will be notified when the movie is released to the public. Three months later, he receives a notice that the movie will make its debut in Times Square at a porno house. ...

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This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town.

'Where's the pissing, motherfucking manager, you cocksucking arsewipe?' he inquires of one of the waiters. The waiter is taken-aback and replies, 'Excuse me sir but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here. I will get the manager as soon as I can'.

The manager comes o...

My wife cuddled up to me and said ‘Be my Han Solo.’

Now she’s not talking to me, cause I said ‘OK, Chewie.’

Plot twist, Kylo Ren is not an only child

He's a Solo child

A regular golf course member is going for her regular solo 7:00am tee-off.

She makes a good putt to save par on the first green. As she walks along the long grass going to the second tee, she startles a wasp, and it stings her. Annoyed, but not wanting the event to ruin her day, she finishes her round.

When she gets to the clubhouse, she runs into the club pro....

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A man walks into a bar with an octopus...

He puts the octopus down on a barstool and tells everyone in the bar,

"this is the world's most talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument you can find - in fact, i'll bet $100 that nobody here has an instrument that this octopus can't play."

Somebody in the bar pulls out a g...

"When drums stop...very bad."

An English explorer was trekking through a remote jungle with a local wise man he had hired as a guide. Two days into their journey, far from civilization, they began to hear the faint, slow beating of drums in the distance.

*Dum. Dum. Dum. Dum.*

The Englishman said to the wise man, “I...

A horse is sitting at home, bored, watching MTV...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the ...

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Darth Vader walks into his local record shop and asks for a copy of George Michael's debut solo album

The guy behind the counter says "I'm sorry, it's out of stock."

Darth Vader shakes his head and says "I find your lack of Faith disturbing..."

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What's masturbation called in the star wars universe?

Hand Solo

Han Solo is chilling in his room when suddenly the light goes out.

He tries to fix the bulb, but after an hour of laborious effort, he gives up.

He heads over to Yoda's place to see if he can help. As Yoda opens the door, he spots a huge machine with flashing lights, beeping in the middle of the room.

"What's this?" he asks Yoda.

"A cloning m...

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Hans has a small Dick

(Long)

Hans lived in a small town and has a small dick. Everyone knew about it, the girls snickered behind his back, the guys used to tease him endlessly. He tried all the remedies to make his dick big and failed.

Dejected, he visited his local night club one day and saw his friend Pet...

What did Han Solo think of his steak?

He thought it was a little chewie.

What was Han Solo's reaction after eating a Momo?

Hmm... Chewie.

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Bass Solo

A couple goes to see a marriage counselor. They say their marriage is on the rocks because they never speak to each other.

The counselor tries to get them to talk, but they just sit there with their arms folded and their mouths closed. He tries playing games. He tries tricking them. Nothing h...

A Young Vulture is sick of eating dead things and wants to be a vegetarian...

So he asks his parents whether they can start incorporating some vegetables into their meals.

His father is ashamed of him and says 'No'.

So the young vulture asks if he could bring a carrot to dinner and his mother and father tell him that he is a disgrace to the family and to put the...

Why do electric guitarists grimace like they were in agony when playing a solo?

No pain, no gain.

What did Yoda said to Princess Lea after separating with Han Solo

" May divorce be with you "

Han Solo keeps taunting he'll steal cars...

...he's harassin' Ford!

Han Solo ordered a steak in the shape of a Wookie.

He sent it back to the kitchen because it was a little chewy.

How is Han Solo in bed?

He shoots first

What happens when Nurgle has an affection for Han Solo?

Nurgle would try to Wuhan....

Han Solo : Yoda, are you sure we're going in the right direction?

Yoda : Off course we are.

I hate all 1970s Female Solo Artists

What a bunch of Pre-Madonnas

What do you call flying solo in the mile high club?

A Hijacking.

Han Solo goes to a restaurant and orders a steak. The waiter asked how tender he’d like his steak to be.

Han said “Make it Chewie.”

I was U2's bass player in their early days

One night I shoved Bono into our guitar player while he was doing a solo, and after tumbling over him, he got up and stabbed me with his pocketknife.

I thought that was a bit extreme, but guess I shouldn't have pushed him over The Edge.

What movie features Mark Hamil, Carrie Fisher and Han Solo surrounded by garbage?

The Force Awakens

C3PO, Luke Skywalker, and Han Solo are taken prisoner on an alien planet

The Millennium Falcon had to make an emergency stop on an uncharted planet. The trio is greeted by a hostile alien race and placed in a horrendous prison.

After some time they are taken in the night to some kind of tribunal where they are told that all outsiders are regarded as evil demons an...

What did Han Solo’s last name change too after he married Leia?

Han Duet.

Han Solo doesn’t smoke cigarettes...

But he does chew-baca

It's amazing that Peter Gabriel and Phil Collins both went solo back in the day

There was a real Exodus from Genesis

What's Han Solo's favorite type of video game?

First person shooter.

My girlfriend left me because I’m a big Star Wars fan

Looks like tonight I’ll be Han Solo.

Why did Han Solo refuse to eat the wild game?

It was Chewie.

Hunting trip with the boys.

A Canadian, Native American, and a Newfie go on a hunting trip. On their first day of the hunt the Canadian comes back from his solo hunt with a magnificent moose. The Newfie then asks, "how did you get the moose?" The canadian replied, "i follow tracks and i get moose." On the second day, the Nativ...

Watching Solo die was my favorite part of The Force Awakens....

Han's down.

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An apprentice mortician is doing his first solo.

It turns out to be a 95 yo woman who died of natural causes. The head mortician thinks it should be a simple one to start, so he leaves the apprentice to his work and heads to his office.

About an hour later, the apprentice comes and asks him for help.

“What is it?” The head morticia...

Did you hear Han Solo will be running next years London Marathon?

He says he reckons he'll be able to finish in less than 26 miles

Why did the skeleton hit the party solo?

He had no body to go with him.

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Farmer John and his wife Mary lived on a big piece of land in the middle of Ohio.

They did pretty well for themselves, but as all affluent farmers will know, farming is not easy money. After a few years of living together and working very hard, their marriage started to fall apart. Being just as determined to keep their marriage together as they were to keep their farm running, t...

Grampa popped by for a visit, solo. He seemed a bit bored.

*“Grampa, whatever happened to that lady friend of yours?”

“She died.”

“Why did she die?”

“Gonorrhoea.”

“Grampa, people don’t die from gonorrhoea!”

“They do if they give it to me.”*

Sad saxophone solo

The policeman takes back his breathalyzer

\-How did you do that?

What do you get when you perform a bad vocal solo to a crowd of mosquitoes?

Malaria.

What song does Han Solo play when he flies away from Cloud City?

Bailando

What’s Princess Leia’s favourite song?

Riding solo - Jason Derulo

A man walked into a bar with his pet octopus.

He went up to the counter and bet everyone in the bar $50 that they couldn’t bring the octopus a musical instrument that it couldn’t play.

One man pulled an old guitar off the wall that hadn’t been tuned in years and gave it to the octopus.

The octopus took the guitar, tuned it right ...

So, Kylo Ren went his entire life without getting a Girlfriend...

I guess you could could say he's Ben Solo all his life.


You've likely heard it but I only just tripped over it myself. >.>

What did Han Solo say to the Keebler elf who complained he couldn't understand Chewbacca?

Sorry friend, that's the way the Wookiee mumbles.

Guy goes traveling to a small village in the jungle...

when he arrives he hears drums coming from the mountain behind the village. He asks the driver what the deal is with the drums. Driver says, "Oh. Drums stop very bad." Huh.
Well next he's walking around the village checking it out and he asks one of the villagers about the drums and the vil...

Why did Han Solo get an 'F' in Statistics class?

Because he kept telling the teacher, "Never tell me the odds!"

In a way, Han Solo was a bit like a modern Icarus.

They both got too close to the son.

An American and a Canadian go skydiving

An American and a Canadian go skydiving. This is the first solo jump for the both of them. The plane lifts off and the instructor gives them their last instructions:

"When the light above the door turns green, you can jump."

The Canadian (who is a major stutterer) asks:

"w-w-w-w...

A guy dies and goes to heaven

When he arrives, St. Peter greets him and shows him around. Off in the distance, he hears the sickest drum solo he's ever heard, and asks St Peter, "Is that Neil Peart?!"

"Yes, he plays for us all day long!" St Peter replied.

Then, they hear the unmistakable melody of Purple Rain, an...

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A guy goes into a bar with his pet octopus

A guy goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says "I bet $100 that no one here has a musical instrument that my octopus can't play."

The people in the bar look around and someone fetches an old lute.

The octopus has a look, picks it up, tunes up the strings and starts playing Toss a ...

I met a time traveler today

Something strange happened to me this morning. I was walking my dog, when all of a sudden I heard a strange whooshing sound and out of nowhere a guy appeared on the side walk in front of me. He looked like he was in his twenties and was wearing really strange cloths. He was staring at a small techni...

Why does Jabba the Hutt play trumpet?

He likes to take Solos.

The inventor of the Red Solo Cup had died.

His body was found under the sofa in the living room three days after his death.

A man saves up for years to take his dream vacation

to a small island in the South Pacific. When he finally gets there, the sound of drums fills the air, thumpa thumpa thumpata thumpata. The man asks the porter carrying his bags, "What's up with the drums? Is it a festival or something?" The porter gets a serious look on his face and says, "If the dr...

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A man walks into a bar with an octopus in a tank

The man says to the bartender “I bet my octopus can play any instrument. If I win, I get free drinks all night. What do you say?” The bartender agrees. “Take him over to the piano. We’ll see how good this octopus really is.” The man walks over to the piano, lets the octopus out of the tank, and the ...

Jungle Drums

An anthropologist went to study a far-flung tropical island. He found a guide with a canoe to take him upriver to the remote site where he would make his observations. About noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums. The anthropologist asked his guide, "What are those dr...

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Golf joke

Golfer decides to have a drink after a solo round of golf and heads in to the clubhouse.

Golfer [panting]: “I'm spent. I just played 18 holes.”

Gay bartender: “Amateur.”

"You must be an engineer"

A man is flying solo in a hot air balloon and he discovers that he is lost. He lowers altitude until he can see a guy walking through a field.

He says to the guy, "Hey, where am I"?
The guy replies, "You are in a hot air balloon about 8 feet above farmer Jack's field."
The balloon ...

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My sex life is just like my favourite Star Wars character.

Hand Solo

Some European explorers were traveling through the Amazon rainforest with some natives as guides...

when they started hearing drums in the distance. Puzzled the Europeans inquired, “we hear drums? What does that mean?”

The Natives answered, “When drums stop, very bad.”

Reluctantly the exploration continues. After 5 minutes the drums had started getting louder and the explorers star...

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