UPJOKE
soloistunaccompaniedmusicperformflyaviationflightmusicalmusiciansongjazzair traveltunemelodyalbum

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Solo player joins golf threesome

An older solo golfer joins a threesome with three other local businessmen. They hit it off immediately and are all playing the best golf of their lives. The solo golfer is cracking jokes and the other businessmen are having a great time smoking cigars and drinking beers. They finish up the front nin...

I asked my daughter why Harry Styles left his band to go solo.

She said he wanted to go a different direction.

What did Princess Leia say to Han Solo on their wedding night?

Into the garbage chute, flyboy!

What did Han solo do on Hoth?

He kept Lukewarm

Why didn't Hans Solo enjoy his steak dinner?

It was "Chewy"

A horse is sitting at home, watching MTV...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the m...

Casinos make a lot of money from Han Solo

They never tell him the odds

why does Han Solo like gum so much?

Because it's chewy

Your call is very important to us...

“Please enjoy this 40-minute flute solo."

Why did Han Solo become a vegetarian?

Because the last steak he ate was really Chewy.

What's Han Solo's favorite snack?

Hoth pocket, Lukewarm.

What did Han Solo say when he saw Luke Skywalker eating without cutlery?

“Use the Forks, Luke”

I saw a video on the news the other night of the former president with his hand shoved up under his arm making musical farting noises... I really enjoyed it!

I love a good Trump-pit solo!

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What does a drum solo and premature ejaculation have in common?

You know what's coming but there's fuck all you can do about it.

Longest Drum Solo

The longest drum solo was 10 hours and 25 minutes and it was performed by a child sitting behind me on a flight from LA to Tokyo.

Why did Han Solo call Chewbacca a noob?

He made a Wookiee mistake

A couple are on holiday on a pacific island...

When they arrive they hear a constant drum beat; the ask the taxi driver and he says "Drums must never stop!"

They get to the hotel and the drumming is still going, so they ask the cleaner and she says "Drums must never stop!"

The drums continue all night and the couple can't sleep. Ex...

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A young man volunteered for the military during WW2.

He had such a high aptitude
for aviation that he was sent right to Pensacola skipping boot camp. The very first day at Pensacola he solos and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.
On his fi...

Steve Winwood began his solo career in 1977.

He would have started sooner, but he was stuck in traffic.

The world record for a drum solo is 10 hours and 17 minutes.

It’s held by the kid who sat behind me on American Airlines flight 86 from DFW to Paris.

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Why was Han Solo

so suspicious when he put his penis inside Princess Leia for the first time?

...it was Luke warm..

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Skydiving (long)

Once there was a man who decided to fulfil his lifelong dream and go skydiving. So he went to the airport and signed up for a class. Upon arriving for the class, he discovered that the teacher was an elderly Indian gentleman. (East Indian, not Native American)

"Good day, good day everyone and...

3 dirty Star Wars jokes

1) Why was Han Solo suspicious when he finally got inside Princess Leia?

Because it was Luke warm

2) Why was Han Solo suspicious when he was eating Princess Leia?

Because she felt chewy

3) Did Han do the right thing when he confronted Leia about these?

No, that nig...

What did Han Solo name his clone?

Han Duo

How come witches fly solo?

Because there's no broom left for anyone else.

A regular golf course member is going for her regular solo 7:00am tee-off.

She makes a good putt to save par on the first green. As she walks along the long grass going to the second tee, she startles a wasp, and it stings her. Annoyed, but not wanting the event to ruin her day, she finishes her round.

When she gets to the clubhouse, she runs into the club pro....

My wife cuddled up to me and said ‘Be my Han Solo.’

Now she’s not talking to me, cause I said ‘OK, Chewie.’

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Mickey and Donald were sitting in a bar(credit to u/KamehameHanSolo)

So Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck are sitting at a bar and Mickey sighs and says to Donald, "So Minnie finally decided to leave me."

"Good riddance, you're better off without her," Donald says, "Just last week you were telling me how crazy she is."

Mickey looks at him and says, "Donald, ...

Han Solo is chilling in his room when suddenly the light goes out.

He tries to fix the bulb, but after an hour of laborious effort, he gives up.

He heads over to Yoda's place to see if he can help. As Yoda opens the door, he spots a huge machine with flashing lights, beeping in the middle of the room.

"What's this?" he asks Yoda.

"A cloning m...

Dexter Holland wasn't always lead singer of the Offspring

Long ago he was in the seafood industry. He had a job shucking oysters for a restaurant. Anyway, one day he sees an ad for a competition in oyster shucking, but it is a team challenge. He shows up solo, and knows he won't be let in. His confidence is low at this point, but he still signs up. The att...

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Darth Vader walks into his local record shop and asks for a copy of George Michael's debut solo album

The guy behind the counter says "I'm sorry, it's out of stock."

Darth Vader shakes his head and says "I find your lack of Faith disturbing..."

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Bass Solo

A couple goes to see a marriage counselor. They say their marriage is on the rocks because they never speak to each other.

The counselor tries to get them to talk, but they just sit there with their arms folded and their mouths closed. He tries playing games. He tries tricking them. Nothing h...

Han Solo : Yoda, are you sure we're going in the right direction?

Yoda : Off course we are.

Han Solo ordered a steak in the shape of a Wookie.

He sent it back to the kitchen because it was a little chewy.

Disney / Star Wars crossovers suck.

I just watched the most boring crossover ever.

Nothing even happens in Han Solo's "Frozen in Carbonite"

What do you call flying solo in the mile high club?

A Hijacking.

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A man walks into a bar with an octopus...

He puts the octopus down on a barstool and tells everyone in the bar,

"this is the world's most talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument you can find - in fact, i'll bet $100 that nobody here has an instrument that this octopus can't play."

Somebody in the bar pulls out a g...

Opporknockity

James was a talented pianist, but just wasn't top tier in his talent. He had plenty of smaller venue gigs, but every time he auditioned for large concerts, he was softly rejected as being "so close, but the other person was just a tad better".

One day he was at a carnival, and for laughs he w...

What did Yoda said to Princess Lea after separating with Han Solo

" May divorce be with you "

Han Solo keeps taunting he'll steal cars...

...he's harassin' Ford!

How is Han Solo in bed?

He shoots first

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A dude walks into a restaurant and says,

"Where's the fucking manager you cock-sucker?"

The host is surprised and replies, "Excuse me, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the dude asks, "Are you the fucking manager of thi...

What was Han Solo's reaction after eating a Momo?

Hmm... Chewie.

What's Han Solo's favorite type of video game?

First person shooter.

How did the captain of the Millennium Falcon satisfy himself before he met Leia?

With his Hans, Solo

During his first solo flight, Tom crashed a helicopter but survived. His puzzled trainer asked: "What went wrong?"

"At 3000 feet, everything was OK. So I hovered higher. At 6000 feet it started to get cold." "Then what?" "So I switched off the fan..."

Han Solo goes to a restaurant and orders a steak. The waiter asked how tender he’d like his steak to be.

Han said “Make it Chewie.”

I hate all 1970s Female Solo Artists

What a bunch of Pre-Madonnas

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This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town.

'Where's the pissing, motherfucking manager, you cocksucking arsewipe?' he inquires of one of the waiters. The waiter is taken-aback and replies, 'Excuse me sir but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here. I will get the manager as soon as I can'.

The manager comes o...

A Young Vulture is sick of eating dead things and wants to be a vegetarian...

So he asks his parents whether they can start incorporating some vegetables into their meals.

His father is ashamed of him and says 'No'.

So the young vulture asks if he could bring a carrot to dinner and his mother and father tell him that he is a disgrace to the family and to put the...

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What's masturbation called in the star wars universe?

Hand Solo

"When drums stop...very bad."

An English explorer was trekking through a remote jungle with a local wise man he had hired as a guide. Two days into their journey, far from civilization, they began to hear the faint, slow beating of drums in the distance.

*Dum. Dum. Dum. Dum.*

The Englishman said to the wise man, “I...

What did Han Solo’s last name change too after he married Leia?

Han Duet.

C3PO, Luke Skywalker, and Han Solo are taken prisoner on an alien planet

The Millennium Falcon had to make an emergency stop on an uncharted planet. The trio is greeted by a hostile alien race and placed in a horrendous prison.

After some time they are taken in the night to some kind of tribunal where they are told that all outsiders are regarded as evil demons an...

Han Solo doesn’t smoke cigarettes...

But he does chew-baca

Did you hear Han Solo will be running next years London Marathon?

He says he reckons he'll be able to finish in less than 26 miles

Watching Solo die was my favorite part of The Force Awakens....

Han's down.

It's amazing that Peter Gabriel and Phil Collins both went solo back in the day

There was a real Exodus from Genesis

Why does Kylo Ren have no friends?

Because his whole life he's Ben Solo

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An apprentice mortician is doing his first solo.

It turns out to be a 95 yo woman who died of natural causes. The head mortician thinks it should be a simple one to start, so he leaves the apprentice to his work and heads to his office.

About an hour later, the apprentice comes and asks him for help.

“What is it?” The head morticia...

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Trumpeter

A trumpeter is hired to play two solos for a movie. After the sessions, he is paid handsomely and promised by the director that he will be notified when the movie is released to the public. Three months later, he receives a notice that the movie will make its debut in Times Square at a porno house. ...

Why did the skeleton hit the party solo?

He had no body to go with him.

Grampa popped by for a visit, solo. He seemed a bit bored.

*“Grampa, whatever happened to that lady friend of yours?”

“She died.”

“Why did she die?”

“Gonorrhoea.”

“Grampa, people don’t die from gonorrhoea!”

“They do if they give it to me.”*

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Hans has a small Dick

(Long)

Hans lived in a small town and has a small dick. Everyone knew about it, the girls snickered behind his back, the guys used to tease him endlessly. He tried all the remedies to make his dick big and failed.

Dejected, he visited his local night club one day and saw his friend Pet...

Sad saxophone solo

The policeman takes back his breathalyzer

\-How did you do that?

With the last decade's drought of big-screen solo superheroines, you could say...

...the industry's been waiting for Gadot.

I'll show myself out.

What do you get when you perform a bad vocal solo to a crowd of mosquitoes?

Malaria.

What song does Han Solo play when he flies away from Cloud City?

Bailando

What did Han Solo say to the Keebler elf who complained he couldn't understand Chewbacca?

Sorry friend, that's the way the Wookiee mumbles.

In a way, Han Solo was a bit like a modern Icarus.

They both got too close to the son.

Why did Han Solo get an 'F' in Statistics class?

Because he kept telling the teacher, "Never tell me the odds!"

A man walked into a bar with his pet octopus.

He went up to the counter and bet everyone in the bar $50 that they couldn’t bring the octopus a musical instrument that it couldn’t play.

One man pulled an old guitar off the wall that hadn’t been tuned in years and gave it to the octopus.

The octopus took the guitar, tuned it right ...

The inventor of the Red Solo Cup had died.

His body was found under the sofa in the living room three days after his death.

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Farmer John and his wife Mary lived on a big piece of land in the middle of Ohio.

They did pretty well for themselves, but as all affluent farmers will know, farming is not easy money. After a few years of living together and working very hard, their marriage started to fall apart. Being just as determined to keep their marriage together as they were to keep their farm running, t...

My girlfriend left me because I’m a big Star Wars fan

Looks like tonight I’ll be Han Solo.

What’s Princess Leia’s favourite song?

Riding solo - Jason Derulo

Guy goes traveling to a small village in the jungle...

when he arrives he hears drums coming from the mountain behind the village. He asks the driver what the deal is with the drums. Driver says, "Oh. Drums stop very bad." Huh.
Well next he's walking around the village checking it out and he asks one of the villagers about the drums and the vil...

Kylo Ren: I've always hated being an only child

Han: You're not an only child. You're a Solo child.

"You must be an engineer"

A man is flying solo in a hot air balloon and he discovers that he is lost. He lowers altitude until he can see a guy walking through a field.

He says to the guy, "Hey, where am I"?
The guy replies, "You are in a hot air balloon about 8 feet above farmer Jack's field."
The balloon ...

What do you call a terrible performance of Han Solo: The Musical?

A rebel without applause.

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