Why did Karen press Ctrl-Shift-Esc?

Because she wanted to see the task manager.

What do you say to a koala to encourage him to beat his personal best in bench pressing?

Bro Eucalyptus!

A backpacker finds a small village tucked away in the mountains with one tiny bar

He walks into the bar and there are all these old men just sitting around in silence. So the backpacker orders a beer and finds himself a seat.

Suddenly one of the men shouts, "Number 7!" and the whole room erupts with laughter.

The backpacker is surprised by this but then the laughter...

It's my cake day, so I wanna share my favorite joke :-)

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party. He is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

He forced himself to ...

Why did the blonde press her phone against her cornea during calls?

Because the sales person told her it was an *eye phone*

North Korean international press conference

The North Korean representative starts:

\- I will have you know that in North Korea no one has died of hunger

\- No one has died of thirst, of cold or homelessness

The Russian representative:

\- have you tried polonium ?

Water boarding gets a lot of bad press

But the search to cure hiccups must continue!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So Joe had these headaches...

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to rem...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Australian joke (but it may translate..)

ScoMo (the Australian Prime Minister, right wing, evangelical, ex marketing specialist) is visiting a remote indigenous village, surrounded by the fawning Murdoch press. He speaks to the village elder and asks him how he can make the locals lives better.

"Well," says the elder, "We've got two...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Rectal Glaucoma

One morning, a man calls his boss to tell him he'll be out sick. The boss presses for specifics, and the man says, "Sir, I have rectal glaucoma." "And what does that mean?" asks the boss.

The man replies, "I just can't see my ass coming in to work today."

What's the difference between a a Shakespeare play and a Trump-era White House press conference?

One is The Taming of the Shrew.

The other is the shaming of the true.

An atheist is walking through the woods

An atheist is walking through the woods, enjoying the scenes of nature, the birds chirping, the beauty of trees, the fauna, marveling what evolution has managed over the course of centuries and millennia of development.



Suddenly, through the brush, a grizzly bear crashes. Roaring and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This morning I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator...

I was staring at her boobs as she got on the elevator when she asked, "Would you please press one?" So I did. I don't remember much after that.

I snuck up on my roommate and had a horn sound on my phone ready to play, and I turned the volume way up.

I pressed play, only to find that I had forgotten to remove my headphones.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did Trump hold his press conference at the 4-seasons garden centre, between a sex shop and a crematorium?

Because he was between a cock and a charred place.

Why did the can crusher hate its job

It was soda pressing

Why can't you trust the Russian press?

Because they have no definite articles.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 men die on Christmas morning...

Three men die on Christmas morning. They end up in front of the pearly gates and Saint Peter, even though none of them ever expected it.

Peter says "You guys drink, smoke and womanize. You shouldn't be getting into heaven. However, it's Christmas and I'm feeling festive. If you can each show ...

Why did Karen press Ctrl-Shift-Esc on her keyboard?

Because she wanted to speak to the Task Manager!

Why is it easy to accidentally walk in on the White House Press Secretary while she is in the bathroom?

The P is silent.

Trump and Mike Pence are at a Covid press briefing.

Trump and Mike Pence are at a Covid press briefing.

Trump: “We have the most cases because we have the most tests. If we tested less, we’d have less cases.”

Pence: “Fewer.”

Trump: “Mike, I told you not to call me that in public.”

Three old grannies are on a park bench when a very attractive naked young man runs by in front of them.

The three old ladies, who hadn't had action in decades, fixed their eyes on the handsome hunk and gasped.

Janice pressed her hand on her heart and said, "wow, that whippersnapper damn near gave me a heart attack."

Edna, rubbing her neck, added, "I almost had an asthma attack!"
...

At first I thought it weird that Joe Biden wanted to make his press secretary staff all women

But then I remembered that meant he didn't need to pay them as much

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was trapped under a bench press

A man in the gym was at the bench press when the barbell fell on top of him. Despite them being strong, no one could lift the barbell off of him so the man that was trapped tells someone to call a therapist which they do. When the therapist arrives, he asks the man why he called him and the man says...

Interestingly enough, scientists have discovered a fascinating new species of frog, named the “Romulan Pond Frog” that has an amazing way of evading predators.

In the press release, scientists showed footage of the frogs using a special call that appeared to disorient predators, leaving them unable to precisely locate the frogs.

Scientists are calling this special call a "croaking device."

We Finally Know Why The Leaning Tower Of Pisa Is Leaning.

The graphic designer pressed the *ITALICS* key on accident.

A man had bandages on both ears

His friend asked “what happened to your ears?”

The man said “I was ironing my clothes and then the phone rang so without thinking I pressed the hot iron to my ear.”

“Oh no that sounds terrible! But then why do you have bandages on both ears?”

“Well the burn was quite painful so ...

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A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room

The Doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and seeming a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed," she replied.

"Strip down to your waist," the Doctor said.

She did.

He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and r...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Ohio scientist goes to Japan for a press conference as the main speaker.

However, he was not informed that the press conference wasn't in English. The translator was there, but there were many moments of laughter among the audience when he translated for the scientist. When he inquired, the translator did not give any reason.

After the press conference and coming ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I feel like Rudy Giuliani's press conference at a landscaping company between a dildo store and a crematorium is still relevant because...

Trump's effort to overturn the election is somewhere between fucked and dead.

About 1,375 olives are pressed in order to make 1 liter of olive oil, 8,435 sunflower seeds to make a liter of sunflower oil...

Don't even get me started on baby oil

Do oranges chose to become juice?

Or do they get pressed to it?

My friend quit his job down at the can crushing facility.

He told me it was soda pressing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ooops

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"...

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Three rats are at a bar telling stories on how tough they are....

The first rat takes a shot and says, "Whenever I find rat poison, I like to crush it up and do lines just to get a good buzz for the day."
The second rat takes a shot and says, "That's nothing! Whenever I find cheese on a mousetrap, I purposely trip the spring & right before I get crushed I ...

A guy walks up to the Trump residence and presses the interphone...

Melania answers...

He says:”Can I talk to the president?”

Melania:”Sorry, but mr. Trump isn’t the president anymore...”

He waits for a few minutes and rings again: “ Can I talk to the president?”

Melania:”Sorry, but mr. Trump isn’t the president anymore...”

He doe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You know that thing in middle school we all used to do, where you got a mechanical pencil and pressed into your arm to pretend it’s a needle...

Well I fucked a dead moose

US President calls for a meeting with press.

He steps up to the tribune:

\- Friends, fellow citizens, today i have to inform you that i've made the decision to shoot down every member of the Congress, Senate and House of Representatives, and also paint the White House green.

After a long pause single hand rises from auditory:
...

After watching Rudy Giuliani press conference it's safe to say....

He is definitely Donald Trump's ride or dye.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Taser Gun

Last weekend I saw something at Costco that sparked my interest.

The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife, Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt,
pocket/purse-sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, “What is this, Father?”

The father, never having seen an elevator, responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the movin...

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Did you hear that the Trump press conference today was held between landscaping store and a porno shop?

Turns out, he was just looking for a new hoe.

...ugh, I know this is terrible. Must do better.

Like, something something Bushwhacked.

'little help?

What did Russel Crowe say to the press when his son was convicted of cannibalism?

I was glad he ate her.

I caught my daughter chewing on our neighbour's electrical cable...

Thankfully, they didn't press charges

But, I had to ground her and keep her at ohm

She's doing better currently

And conducting herself properly

But she's still on a short fuse, as there seems to be some confission as to what she did wrong.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Thank you for calling the Psychiatric Institute of Mental Health

If you have an obsessive-compulsive disorder, please press button 1. Again. And again. And again.

If you have a multiple personality disorder press in rapid sequence keys 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you suffer from paranoia, we have to inform you that we already know who you are, what you d...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A white man comes across a Native American lying with his ear pressed against the ground between a pair of tire tracks.

“What’s going on?” the white man asks.

“White Chevy Tahoe. Four door. License plate XPV 14785. Has a Coexist bumper sticker,” replies the Native American.

“Wow, you can tell all that from just listening to the ground?”

“No, you idiot! That’s what the asshole who hit me was drivi...

Youbg boy tells mum "I saw daddy..."

"....in the nearby park, he was parked and with a woman, I went up to the car as the windows were steamed up, I saw they were busy and they were naked and he was doing press ups like we do at school, but he was on top of the naked woman "

Mum is super mad, she quizzes the boy and with growing...

Human Design

Three engineers went out for drinks after work. An electrical engineer, a mechanical engineer and a civil engineer. They rehashed their respective jobs, complained about the hours and all agreed about insane expectations and demands of clients. After a couple drinks they started loosening up, discus...

Rudy Giuliani set major press conference at Four Season landscaping instead of Four Seasons Hotel.

Really, does there have to be a punchline?

A meathead is counting loudly in the gym as he does bench press...

“1! 3! 5! 7! 9!”

Another meathead:
“Do you even lift bro”

Meathead: “Nah I only odd lift bro”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This new Cardi B song sure is getting a lot of press.

I haven’t listened to it yet, but when I do I sure hope I find out what an Ass pussy is.

A man walked into the ER with severe burns and blisters to both sides of his face.

He was quickly admitted. The attending physician asked him, “how on earth did you burn your face so badly?”

The man reluctantly began his explanation. “It’s actually kind of embarrassing doc. See my wife is out of town this week, and so I’m having to do my own cooking...”

“Ah, I see...

I bench press about 245 or 250

Some days it’s as late as three o’clock.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Holiday Dinner

A Jewish family invited their gentile neighbors for holiday dinner. The first course was set in front of them and the Jewish couple announced, "This is matzoh ball soup." On seeing the two large matzoh balls in the soup, the gentile man was hesitant to taste this strange looking brew. Gently, the Je...

They’re teaching apple juicing down the road from me, but it got cancelled before I could go.

It was a pressing issue.

Fidel Castro was a cigar-smoking, repressive leader who hated free speech and a free press.

Donald Trump, in comparison, doesn't smoke.

What is a hydraulic press’s favorite vegetable?

SQUASH

My keyboard is a victim

It has been O-pressed

Breaking news

Teacher Arrested At Pearson Airport
A high school teacher was arrested today at Toronto's Pearson Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.

At a press conference, Premier Kathleen Wynne said she believ...

Wrestling

Coach says can you describe a half Nelson ? Wrestler says a half nelson is when one arm is passed under the opponent's arm from behind and the hand is applied to the neck . Very good how about a full Nelson? When both arms are passed under opponents arms from behind and the hands are clasp behind th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wife to husband by phone:

\- My computer does not work

\- Did you press such a big button?

\- Pressed

\- Is the cord plugged into the socket?

\- Now I'll take a flashlight, I'll take a look ...

\- Why a flashlight?

\- Yes, there is no electricity ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know, why the button no one pressed is sad?

Because it is de-pressed

A Jewish father was quite troubled by his errant son’s behavior, and went to see the rabbi about it...

“I brought him up as a Jew, spent a small fortune on his education and almost as much on his bar mitzvah. Then he calls me to tell me he has decided to become a Christian! Rabbi, where did I go wrong?”

“Funny you should come to me,” said the rabbi. “Like you, I too brought my son up as a good...

Internet discussion:

user kiki357: HEEEEY, HOW ARE YOU? I'M NEW HERE!

user ukili: Try pressing CapsLock.

user kiki357: AWESOME, NOW I DON'T HAVE TO KEEP PRESSING SHIFT!!!!

An old lady is at tea and her host asks "Would you care for a slice of cold pressed ox tongue?"

"Oh no," shudders the old lady, "I couldn't eat something that came out of an animal's mouth! Just an egg, please."

Morris had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation

The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three envelopes number 1, 2 and 3. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," the departing CEO said.

Things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and...

A man finds a native American with his ear pressed to the ground.

M: What is it?

NA: Buffalo come.

M: Wow, you can tell that from listening to the ground?

NA: No, sticky ear.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My TV remote just suddenly stopped working the other day.

I guess I must have really pressed its buttons.

A CNN reporter walks into a White House press meeting

[removed]

Earring no tales

Im on my lunch break at work and I notice a co-worker stroll in the lunch room so I offer him a seat. Were talking about the Dallas game, when I notice an earring in his right ear. No big deal, but this guy is pretty conservative with his work attire, so I felt obliged to ask him about his new acces...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The White Ape

A man was driving down the road in the middle of the night when, naturally, his car broke down. There was no one around, but he saw a light up ahead. He walked towards it and soon figured out that it was a farmhouse.
The man knocked on the door, and a farmer answered. "Sir," he said to the farmer...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donating

A woman (Tiffany) has fallen on hard times lately. She sees an ad online stating this company will buy her eggs for $200 a pop.

She goes to the building and gets in the elevator and presses the button for the 2nd floor. A man gets on and presses "5." The woman recognizes him as a friend from ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If General Motors Built Cars like Microsoft...



This is an old joke and sadly some of this has come to pass.



If General Motors Built Cars like Microsoft...

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology li...

So i was watching p*rn last night and accidently pressed cast to tv, it found a samsung tv and started steaming...

I dont have a samsung tv in my house.

My friend called me the other day and told me he hated working at the can recycling plant

He said it was, “soda pressing”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to the doctor because his penis has turned orange.

The doctor examining him, is baffled how his penis has turned orange and poses some probing questions. "What do you do for a living", he asks.

"I am a truck driver"

"Do you work long hours"

"Oh yes, most days are twelve to sixteen hour days usually in heavy traffic"

The...

What do you call a keyboard with one letter constantly pressed?

O-pressed

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had a call from a scammer the other day

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”>...

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There is this dude who's in a lift going down from the fifth floor of a hospital

When the lift reaches third floor it stops and a woman he knows gets in.

He goes like "Hey Meg what you doing in the hospital?"

Meg "oh!! hi Carl I just come to sell some blood, they pay you here you know? 50 pounds each time I come! But tell me about you is all okey??"

Carl " Y...

Dont press religion on people,

bible says not to do that.

Ellen has so much bad press about how entitled she is

That the network is renaming her program The Karen Show.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is green and become red when you press a button ?

A frog in a blender.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Don't mess with that mouse

3 mice are sitting together when one starts bragging about how tough he is. He says, "I'm so tough, I go around collecting all the rat poison I can find, then I put it in my coffee and drink it down!". The 2nd mouse laughs and says, "That's nothing! I'm so tough, I go to mouse traps, snatch up the ...

Did you guys hear about the globe that got pressed flat into vinyl album?

Yeah, it was a world record.

A local law enforcement officer stops a car

for traveling faster than the speed limit. Since he was in a good mood that day, he decides to give the poor guy a break and give him a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name.

“Fred,” he replies.

“Fred what?” the officer asks.

“Just Fred,” the man responds....

What did the back-then USA president commented about the USSR during a press conference at the mere start of the Cold War?

"If those reds wanna be commies, then **SO BE IT**"



My first actual english joke-pun, please don't be harsh xD

I've always had a problem with eating my fingernails.

I get anxious and chew them off and eat them and they look terrible. One day my sister noticed and told me to go to the drug store for some press-on nails. She said they looked good and would keep me from biting my nails. So I went and bought some and she was right. They looked so good I ate them ri...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The little red man joke.

The little white woman was busy baking a cake. Only as she reached around in her little white cupboards she realised she had no sugar for her little white cake. Not to be disheartened she decided to wander next door to her neighbour, the little green man, to see if he would be kind enough to lend he...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The world's press gathers...

...at a press conference announced by the team at CERN in Geneva. The CERN spokeswoman steps up to the speaking podium and smiles broadly at the assembled reporters, microphones and cameras. She begins to speak.

“Thank you all for joining us today. We have some major announcements to make...

Breaking News: In a press media briefing, United Airlines CEO Oscar Munoz has stated...

"Since we cannot beat our competitors, we have resorted to beating our customers".

What do you call a Dumb Blonde in a press conference.

Donald Trump.

Manafort and Cohen flip on the President. Trump is convicted of treason. He is 'hung by the neck until dead.' Miraculously, minutes after his hanging, he walks out of the gallows and addresses the press:

"Fake noose, folks."

Watch out for a scam phone call.

The caller says, You have won $1.000.000 dollars


or Tickets to an Elvis Presley tribute Concert.


Just press 1 for the money or 2 for the show.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How to be American

An Indian migrated to America , and moved into an American neighbourhood; His American neighbour went next door to wish him welcome.He was shocked to see the man from India in his nice backyard chasing ten chickens around like mad. "Must be an Indian custom," he thought to himself.

Deciding h...

A politician finds a magic lamp, rubs it and a genie pops out.

The genie says “I shall grant you any wish you ask, on the condition that when I ask, you set me free and when I ask you acknowledge my part in your wish.”

The politician agrees and after much consideration, he wishes that his lies and exaggerations would come true.

He holds a press c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A soap factory had a problem.

They sometimes shipped empty boxes without the bar inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers and distributors. Understanding how important these relationships were, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. They decided to hire an external engineering company to solve th...

Hey do you guys remember about the "press F to pay respects" meme

I heard that it died, hit me kinda hard.

F

wait a second

Two elderly gentlemen sit inside of a nursing home, casually sipping their coffee...

The one facing the door glances up at the night shift tech who’s leaving for the day, glimpsing him press the code 1749* into the door before opening it and leaving.
He softly says to the other one, 1749*.
The second man smiles contentedly, “We’re breaking out tonight.” They winked and let o...

The gyms must remain open

The Constitution guarantees freedom of the press

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Singles on a deserted island

A luxury cruise ship offered a cruise for young singles only. But halfway through the voyage, the ship crashed. The Captain had been having a affair and didn't see the giant rock formation. The cruise ship went down in record time (as did the Captain). Most people on board were too drunk to act fast...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

According to a news report...

a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little li...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A daughter takes her old father to a retirement home

A daughter takes her old father in a wheelchair to a retirement home for the first time. The nurse, expecting their arrival, greets them with, "Welcome to the Johnson family retirement home! We think you'll feel quite at home here! Please follow me and I'll show you around." The nurse pushes the...

A powerlifter recently set the world record for bench press after losing it a year ago. When asked how he felt after regaining his title, he said

“It’s a huge weight off my chest.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I love pressing the F5 button

It's so refreshing

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Men's room was closed!

A guy had to go very badly, and the Men's room was closed. Looking around, he see's there are no women in the bathroom.


He sits down, and notices three buttons in front of him marked, WW, WA, and ATR. Curiosity gets the better of him so he decides to press WW. Suddenly, warm wate...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two FBI agents who knew sensitive classified info went to a conference in Russia...

Turns out, the conference was really long and *really* boring; almost to the point the agents got mad, so when it was over, they decided to go to a nearby nightclub for some drinks and fun.

They had just ordered their drinks and started drinking up when two incredibly gorgeous Russian women c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bennedict Cumberbatch just said in a press conference that he wants to do 15 years more of Sherlock!

I mean, shit, that like, 6 episodes to look forward to!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

ONE GERMAN, ONE JAPANESE AND A HILLBILLY WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

Suddenly, there was a beeping sound. The German pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at her questionly.

"That was my pager," she said. " I have a microchip implanted under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese woman lifted her...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you heard about the man who had to press the "D" button on a keyboard his whole life?

It's a d-pressing story.

A Co-worker approached me and asked if I wanted to make some money on the side with him. I thought it was a good idea, until he took me back to see his printing press.

I mean, seriously - this thing was a mess and his ink was all wrong.

[In a courtroom] Judge: Did you feel guilty at the time?

Accused: No I didn’t, your honour.

Guilty: Yes he did, your honour. That’s why I pressed charges against him.

After weeks of keeping it secret, I confessed to my gym buddies that I had taken the bench press out of my workout schedule.

That was a weight off my chest.

How do Germans make a Panini?

On a Glutenberg Press

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What button do dogs like to press the most on a remote?

Pause

Trump asks his aides how the press has rated his performance yesterday..

His assistant opens the newspaper to a headline:
A complete ****show!
- four stars, mr. President!

There's a new keyboard shortcut in GTA V which if you press it will cause your character to kill minorities.

Alt-right

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why, what, who?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard when he lives in the jungle without a razor?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why does...

Just finished my first shift at a can crushing factory.

It was soda pressing.

I just saw a video of someone crushing a 6 pack of Coke in a hydraulic press. All that wasted cola made me so sad.

It was soda-pressing

Why couldn’t the press take pictures of the fastest superhero?

No Flash photography.

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