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I was beaten up by a busty women in an elevator.

I was staring at her boobs when she said “would you please press one?”

So I did.

What happens to your car when you press the gas and brake at the same time?

It takes a screenshot.

A Co-worker approached me and asked if I wanted to make some money on the side with him. I thought it was a good idea, until he took me back to see his printing press.

I mean, seriously - this thing was a mess and his ink was all wrong.

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Welcome to the Mental Health Helpline. Please listen carefully to the following options:

* If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
* If you are co-dependent, please get someone to press 2 for you.
* If you have multiple personality disorder, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
* If you have Tourette's Syndrome, please say "CUNT!" after the tone.
* If you have sch...

Help! I made my computer racist!

I accidentally pressed alt-right.

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Have you heard about the man who had to press the "D" button on a keyboard his whole life?

It's a d-pressing story.

The police raided my house and found dynamite, wire and a detonator with a plunger

Eyes welling with tears, I begged, “PLEASE don’t press charges!”

How do we call a process of introducing press to society?

Oppression

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A good bar joke that always makes women laugh

Jack woke up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas party. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.

As bad as he as feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was couple of ...

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Last week I checked into my hotel in Tampa and was a bit lonely...

..I thought, I'd call one of those girls you see advertised in phone books like escorts and such. I picked up the phone book and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy h...

After weeks of keeping it secret, I confessed to my gym buddies that I had taken the bench press out of my workout schedule.

That was a weight off my chest.

Manafort and Cohen flip on the President. Trump is convicted of treason. He is 'hung by the neck until dead.' Miraculously, minutes after his hanging, he walks out of the gallows and addresses the press:

"Fake noose, folks."

What did the hydraulic press say to the air pump?

You’re pretty depressing aren’t you

A CNN reporter walks into a White House press meeting...

[not removed]

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Press the lid of an ice cream container before you buy it. If it's solid, it's been properly stored. If it depresses

You'll still eat it you fat fuck.

Fidel Castro was a cigar-smoking, repressive leader who hated free speech and a free press.

Donald Trump, in comparison, doesn't smoke.

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I was having a conversation with a scammer the other day.

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”...

A renowned scientist is frustrated with the popularity of misinformation. In an interview, he tells the press “my research is meaningless if taken out of context!”

The next day, the public is taken by storm as headlines spread that “Renowned Scientist Claims That His Research is Meaningless!”

I bought a coin press last week,

...but the manual is in another language. I hope it still makes cents

Why couldn’t the press take pictures of the fastest superhero?

No Flash photography.

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What's green and turns red when you press a button?

A frog in a blender.

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A research scientist today held a press conference to reveal a revolutionary new bra material that eliminates breast jiggling and nipple protrusion

At the conclusion of his press conference the assembled newsmen dragged him outside and kicked the shit out of him

Breaking News: In a press media briefing, United Airlines CEO Oscar Munoz has stated...

"Since we cannot beat our competitors, we have resorted to beating our customers".

At a press conference, Sarah Sanders is asked, "why has Trump imposed tarrifs on soybeans but not chickpeas?"

Sarah rolled her eyes and contorted her face even more, then replied, "listen Jim Acosta, I don't know what you're agenda is with that question, but suffice it to say that the President's decision on which legumes to tarrif is deeply rooted in the fact that he's never had a Russian soybean on his he...

I just saw a video of someone crushing a 6 pack of Coke in a hydraulic press. All that wasted cola made me so sad.

It was soda-pressing

Never iron a four leaf clover.

You don't want to press your luck.

The Police Officer fronted the press conference...

“A major incident happened at the Goodsprings Buddhism and Yoga Retreat this morning. To put it frankly, it was a bloodbath,” explained the Commissioner.

A sea of hands go up from the journalists.

“When did this happen, and why?” asked the first.

The Commission replied “Pr...

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Bennedict Cumberbatch just said in a press conference that he wants to do 15 years more of Sherlock!

I mean, shit, that like, 6 episodes to look forward to!

Please be careful!!!!! don't know if this is a scam, I've just received a phone call saying I've won tickets for an Elvis Presley tribute show then it said.

Just press 1 for the money, 2 for the show.

What do you call fake news in the French press?

Decaf

A terrorist struck a local farm, setting off explosives inside the farmer's prized steer, blowing it to smithereens, but apparently committing no other mischief. The crime scene investigator had these words at the press conference...

"Abominable. Simply abominable."

Hello and Welcome to the mental health hotline...

If you are obsessive-compulsive,
press 1 repeatedly.

If you are codependent,
please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities,
press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want.
Stay on the line so we can trace ...

There's a new keyboard shortcut in GTA V which if you press it will cause your character to kill minorities.

Alt-right

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When you turn your computer on it says press any key to continue

My dad learning (and clearly frustrated) with technology says "WHERE THE FUCKS THE ANY KEY"

Can I press indecent exposure charges against stars?

Because today the sun mooned me.

A buzzfeed journalist whispers something to Mike Pence at a press conference

...what happens next will shock you.

A guy wakes up from a coma.

His doctor asks him what he remembers.
- All i remember is getting on an elevator with a gorgeous woman and her husband. She had a beautiful cleavage and i couldn't stop staring at it. She then looked at me and told me "Can you please press one?".

Customer Helpline: If you understand English, press 1.

If you do not understand English, press 2.

Why is a White House press statement like sulfuric acid?

They're both baseless and corrosive.

White House Press Secretary Sarah Sanders' kids must be failing out of school...

Cause they're probably taught to avoid answering every question.

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My salary is like my cock.

It's not going to impress a woman.

How do you stop a cute animal?

You just press paws

Someone once told me that taking money out of your savings account is stealing from your future self.

Well luckily for me my future self won't be able to afford a lawyer to press charges against me.

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Keeping marriage fun

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'
...

I like to press the F5 key repeatedly...

I just find it very....refreshing.

OK I'll show myself out

50,000 blondes met in a center for the first ever "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention

Their leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"

After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eightee...

How to make $$$$$ easily.

1: Sit in front of your computer and turn it on.

2: Open a new word or text document.

3:Hold down the Shift key.

4: Press the "4" key as many times as you wish.

When you use a knife, you press with the same force but at a much higher pressure.

That's kinda the point.

The press should have given Sean Spicer a 5th attempt at clarifying his statement.

Who knows, maybe he finally figured out the final solution.

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What sound does a tit make when you press it?

*Boob

Why can't the hydraulic press guy bring himself to crush a can of sprite?

Because it's soda pressing

My grandpa used to take me ice fishing

We never got to spend too much time together, so it meant a lot to me to spend time with him. He was really getting on in age - his teeth were gone and he usually mumbled unless he was frustrated. You could understand him if he yelled, but that was rare since he was such a gentle soul. His mind w...

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"You don't have to press the buttons harder to go faster"

Said no gamer ever.

What do you call a hard drive in a hydraulic press?

File compression

The white house press releases are pretty funny.

In fact they're downright Hilary-less.

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Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years.

Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years.

He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.

The Doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicle...

What do you call your mother ironing your clothes for you

Free press

A scientist was being interviewed by the press

The press asked him "Can you explain to us about quantum computers?"

He replied "Yes and No at the same time"

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So this blonde girl was playing in a casino, and put a quarter in a machine...

... and she gets nothing.

She put a second quarter in, she gets nothing again.

She put a third quarter in the same machine, still nothing.

She decided to give that machine one last go before she goes to another machine. She puts the quarter in, press the button, and yell: **''Ye...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two boys, Nathaniel and Daniel, are captured by a madman. Daniel is sent into a room with a one way window that only Daniel could see through. On the other side, he saw his friend, Nate, with the madman...

Nate looked very frightened but if they've learned anything together during their years of friendship is that they'll always make it out of bad situations.

The madman finishes talking to Nate and walks out of the room, Nate adopting a relieved smile on his face.

Then, the madman walks...

What kind of coffee do the Islamists hate the most ?

French press

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You've gotta go for it!

A man walks down the street and sees a rope dangling down with a note: Climb the rope to success!

He shrugs, climbs the rope and reaches a platform. On it is a beautiful naked woman who tells him: "You can choose to stay here with me, or continue climbing the rope to success".

After s...

The watchman

Passing an office building late one night, the blonde saw a sign that read, "Press bell for night watchman." She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman clomping down the stairs.

The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, ...

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BP and Exxon were at a press conference

... and when asked about the frequency and amount of oil that has been spilled recently, they responded "Oh that, that is just the lube we needed to be able to fuck the world."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You know the 'Done' button you press to exit a video?

How come it only sounds judgy and sarcastic after I've finished jacking off?

Putin is at a press conference...

Reporter: Good day, I'm John Smith from the Coca-Cola company. Mr president I have a question. You've been trying to get the old times back, and bringing the good old communism back.

Putin: Communism bring back russia, yes

Reporter:Why don't you also bring the old red flag back? And m...

For some mysterious reason, whenever I use a keyboard I always press the wrong keys.

I just can't put finger on it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I get in an elevator, before I press a button I look at everyone inside and say...

"Are you ready to take this shit to a whole new level?!"

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