The 92+ Best Press Jokes

Why did Karen press Ctrl+Alt+Delete?

She wanted to see the task manager.

A CNN reporter walks into a White House press meeting

[removed]

Why did Karen press Ctrl-Shift-Esc on her keyboard?

Because she wanted to speak to the Task Manager!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

simulation of monkey pressing button

simulation complete

About 1,375 olives are pressed in order to make 1 liter of olive oil, 8,435 sunflower seeds to make a liter of sunflower oil...

Don't even get me started on baby oil

Joe Biden called a press conference, to discuss his meeting with Vladimir Putin…

“The good news, is that Mr Putin told me that he wants peace.”

After everyone cheered and clapped in relief, he added the bad news…

“A piece of Crimea, a piece of Ukraine, a piece of Finland…”

A guy walks into a restaurant and orders minced pork shoulder and ham, pressed it into a block and served in a can.

POST REMOVED

**Rule 3 - No Spam posts.**

Elon Musk organized a press conference about his project to solve global warming

"I will build giant sunglasses"

Journalist raises her hand. "How does that stop the earth from warming up?"

"It makes it cool"

Breaking News: In a press media briefing, United Airlines CEO Oscar Munoz has stated...

"Since we cannot beat our competitors, we have resorted to beating our customers".

After Rudy Giuliani held a press conference at Four Seasons Total Landscaping, he experienced chest pains.

He was quickly rushed to Mount Sinai Heating & Plumbing.

What's the difference between a a Shakespeare play and a Trump-era White House press conference?

One is The Taming of the Shrew.

The other is the shaming of the true.

I really shouldn't have pressed CTRL+Z.

It seemed like a good idea at the time, but it turned out to be my undoing.

At this mornings press conference, Ron Desantis announced that the state of Florida will be outlawing the consumption and distribution of coffee.

He went on to condemn the beverage as a tool of the WOKE agenda.

Doubtful German police press release

In 2020, German police announced that they had to fire shots at people a total of 62 times throughout 2019.

However, the U.S. Ambassador to Germany doubted these figures, as he did not believe that there have been only two traffic stops in the entire year in the whole of Germany.

The sheriff at the press conference said “we have a torso with no arms, legs, or head.”

“Frankly, we’re stumped.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did Trump hold his press conference at the 4-seasons garden centre, between a sex shop and a crematorium?

Because he was between a cock and a charred place.

I can bench press 300 pounds.

Not at the same time, but still...

TIL that if you press and hold 0 on your keyboard it turn into degree (°)

As both have no values.

A guy wakes up from a coma.

His doctor asks him what he remembers.
- All i remember is getting on an elevator with a gorgeous woman and her husband. She had a beautiful cleavage and i couldn't stop staring at it. She then looked at me and told me "Can you please press one?".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Therapist: Have you gotten over your fetish of being starched, pressed, and folded?

Me: We’re still ironing out the kinks

I like pressing f5.

It's so refreshing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was trapped under a bench press

A man in the gym was at the bench press when the barbell fell on top of him. Despite them being strong, no one could lift the barbell off of him so the man that was trapped tells someone to call a therapist which they do. When the therapist arrives, he asks the man why he called him and the man says...

Trump and Pense at a press briefing.

Trump: “if we tested less, we’d have less cases”.
Pense: “fewer”
Trump: “I told you not to call me that in public”.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was about to do some bench press in the gym.

"Hey," I called to the nearest guy, "would you be able to spot me?"

He took one look and said, "Yes, from a fucking mile away."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Russian soldier is standing naked in the shower looking at his watch furiously pressing the buttons

His comrade hears the beeping and comes to see what's up,

"What are you doing there naked blyat? There is no water in the building."

"Yesterday I looted this watch. There is English writing on it and I didn't know what it meant so I asked the commander."

"So?"

"He said ᵂ ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A white man comes across a Native American lying with his ear pressed against the ground between a pair of tire tracks.

“What’s going on?” the white man asks.

“White Chevy Tahoe. Four door. License plate XPV 14785. Has a Coexist bumper sticker,” replies the Native American.

“Wow, you can tell all that from just listening to the ground?”

“No, you idiot! That’s what the asshole who hit me was drivi...

Please Press F to pay Respects

A guy asked his girlfriend if he was the only one she had ever been with.

She replied, "yes honey, all the others were at least sevens or eights."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s green then red at the press of a button?

A frog in a blender

Manafort and Cohen flip on the President. Trump is convicted of treason. He is 'hung by the neck until dead.' Miraculously, minutes after his hanging, he walks out of the gallows and addresses the press:

"Fake noose, folks."

At first I thought it weird that Joe Biden wanted to make his press secretary staff all women

But then I remembered that meant he didn't need to pay them as much

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I feel like Rudy Giuliani's press conference at a landscaping company between a dildo store and a crematorium is still relevant because...

Trump's effort to overturn the election is somewhere between fucked and dead.

What do you say to a koala to encourage him to beat his personal best in bench pressing?

Bro Eucalyptus!

North Korean international press conference

The North Korean representative starts:

\- I will have you know that in North Korea no one has died of hunger

\- No one has died of thirst, of cold or homelessness

The Russian representative:

\- have you tried polonium ?

Water boarding gets a lot of bad press

But the search to cure hiccups must continue!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years. He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.

The Doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.

The only way to relieve the pressure is to rem...

Why did the blonde press her phone against her cornea during calls?

Because the sales person told her it was an *eye phone*

Never iron a four leaf clover.

You don't want to press your luck.

Why can't you trust the Russian press?

Because they have no definite articles.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear that the Trump press conference today was held between landscaping store and a porno shop?

Turns out, he was just looking for a new hoe.

...ugh, I know this is terrible. Must do better.

Like, something something Bushwhacked.

'little help?

A meathead is counting loudly in the gym as he does bench press...

“1! 3! 5! 7! 9!”

Another meathead:
“Do you even lift bro”

Meathead: “Nah I only odd lift bro”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was talking to a scammer the other day.

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”...

What is a hydraulic press’s favorite vegetable?

SQUASH

After watching Rudy Giuliani press conference it's safe to say....

He is definitely Donald Trump's ride or dye.

US President calls for a meeting with press.

He steps up to the tribune:

\- Friends, fellow citizens, today i have to inform you that i've made the decision to shoot down every member of the Congress, Senate and House of Representatives, and also paint the White House green.

After a long pause single hand rises from auditory:
...

There's a new keyboard shortcut in GTA V which if you press it will cause your character to kill minorities.

Alt-right

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm the toughest.

Three mice are drinking at a bar talking about which one is the toughest. The first mouse takes a shot and says "I'm so tough the people living in my house put rat poison out, and I simply grab it, break it up, and put it in my morning coffee!"

The second mouse takes a shot and says "That's n...

A guy walks up to the Trump residence and presses the interphone...

Melania answers...

He says:”Can I talk to the president?”

Melania:”Sorry, but mr. Trump isn’t the president anymore...”

He waits for a few minutes and rings again: “ Can I talk to the president?”

Melania:”Sorry, but mr. Trump isn’t the president anymore...”

He doe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A fifteen-year-old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in ...

A man finds a native American with his ear pressed to the ground.

M: What is it?

NA: Buffalo come.

M: Wow, you can tell that from listening to the ground?

NA: No, sticky ear.

80,000 blondes meet in a football stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" convention.

The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"

After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!...

What do you call a Dumb Blonde in a press conference.

Donald Trump.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was watching porn-hub last night, and there was a film on about clitoris stimulation, it then says press red button to view.

Couldn't find it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know, why the button no one pressed is sad?

Because it is de-pressed

Ellen has so much bad press about how entitled she is

That the network is renaming her program The Karen Show.

Dont press religion on people,

bible says not to do that.

An old lady is at tea and her host asks "Would you care for a slice of cold pressed ox tongue?"

"Oh no," shudders the old lady, "I couldn't eat something that came out of an animal's mouth! Just an egg, please."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The world's press gathers...

...at a press conference announced by the team at CERN in Geneva. The CERN spokeswoman steps up to the speaking podium and smiles broadly at the assembled reporters, microphones and cameras. She begins to speak.

“Thank you all for joining us today. We have some major announcements to make...

What did the back-then USA president commented about the USSR during a press conference at the mere start of the Cold War?

"If those reds wanna be commies, then **SO BE IT**"

My first actual english joke-pun, please don't be harsh xD

I just saw a video of someone crushing a 6 pack of Coke in a hydraulic press. All that wasted cola made me so sad.

It was soda-pressing

Did you guys hear about the globe that got pressed flat into vinyl album?

Yeah, it was a world record.

What do you call a keyboard with one letter constantly pressed?

O-pressed

A powerlifter recently set the world record for bench press after losing it a year ago. When asked how he felt after regaining his title, he said

“It’s a huge weight off my chest.”

A Co-worker approached me and asked if I wanted to make some money on the side with him. I thought it was a good idea, until he took me back to see his printing press.

I mean, seriously - this thing was a mess and his ink was all wrong.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you heard about the man who had to press the "D" button on a keyboard his whole life?

It's a d-pressing story.

A terrorist struck a local farm, setting off explosives inside the farmer's prized steer, blowing it to smithereens, but apparently committing no other mischief. The crime scene investigator had these words at the press conference...

"Abominable. Simply abominable."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What button do dogs like to press the most on a remote?

Pause

After weeks of keeping it secret, I confessed to my gym buddies that I had taken the bench press out of my workout schedule.

That was a weight off my chest.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A research scientist today held a press conference to reveal a revolutionary new bra material that eliminates breast jiggling and nipple protrusion

At the conclusion of his press conference the assembled newsmen dragged him outside and kicked the shit out of him

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When you turn your computer on it says press any key to continue

My dad learning (and clearly frustrated) with technology says "WHERE THE FUCKS THE ANY KEY"

Trump asks his aides how the press has rated his performance yesterday..

His assistant opens the newspaper to a headline:
A complete ****show!
- four stars, mr. President!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

ONE GERMAN, ONE JAPANESE AND A HILLBILLY WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

Suddenly, there was a beeping sound. The German pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at her questionly.

"That was my pager," she said. " I have a microchip implanted under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese woman lifted her...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In USSR we had this joke

An old Jew is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wants to join the Communist Party. A happy partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready Party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he carefully takes the member...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room

The Doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and seeming a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed," she replied.

"Strip down to your waist," the Doctor said.

She did.

He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and r...

What happens when you press the brake pedal and the accelerator pedal at the same time when you’re in a car

It takes a screenshot

I bought a fountain drink and pressed the ice dispenser to fill the cup half way with ice, but I wasn't able to finish the task as it was...

...soda pressing.

I keep pressing the space bar on my computer

But for some reason I am still on Earth.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Press the lid of an ice cream container before you buy it. If it's solid, it's been properly stored. If it depresses

You'll still eat it you fat fuck.

Why do Jihadist Muslims only drink instant coffee?

'Cause they hate the French press

It's my cake day, so I wanna share my favorite joke :-)

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party. He is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

He forced himself to ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I make you breakfast in bed, fresh eggs benedict, local picked wild flowers and freshly pressed orange juice, get into bed next to you and wake you with soothing classical music, a simple Thank you would suffice....

Not all this how the fuck did you get into my house business.

Customer Helpline: If you understand English, press 1.

If you do not understand English, press 2.

Can I press indecent exposure charges against stars?

Because today the sun mooned me.

What chemical compound prevails over constant negative press?

Carbon monoxide vanadium di-iron

My Dad told me specifically not to touch the keyboard...I pressed Ctrl-B

It was a bold move

The Police Officer fronted the press conference...

“A major incident happened at the Goodsprings Buddhism and Yoga Retreat this morning. To put it frankly, it was a bloodbath,” explained the Commissioner.

A sea of hands go up from the journalists.

“When did this happen, and why?” asked the first.

The Commission replied “Pr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous and sexy young woman entered.

She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare and walked directly toward him.

Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, “I’ll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to...

Why is a White House press statement like sulfuric acid?

They're both baseless and corrosive.

I pointed out that my wife was pressing a no-wrinkle shirt,

but she didn't appreciate the irony.

Where do the Game of Thrones characters go to get their clothing pressed?

The Iron Islands.
...I'm so sorry, I've been re-watching the entire series in preparation for April and this stupid joke popped into my head after my Mum bought a new iron :3

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Don't feel bad about pressing the close door button when you see someone running for the elevator.

If they have that much energy, they should take the stairs.

The priest reached out and pressed the bell for the boy.

A local priest was walking down the street of his small town. He was happily humming a tune when he saw a little boy trying to reach the doorbell of a nearby house.

“Hey there, kid” said the priest with a kind smile, “let me help you out.” The priest reached out and pressed the bell for the b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife keeps pressing the panic button on her car keys when I kiss her

I really do make her horny

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