A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears:

BUMP!…

BUMP…

BUMP…

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog h e makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP…

BUMP…

BUMP…

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket ...

I bought my wife some cough syrup today,

For my ears.

If you scratch and sniff a Canadian dollar, you can smell maple syrup

If you scratch and sniff an American dollar, you can smell a stripper's pubic hair

What do you call maple syrup with a speech impediment?

Mrs. Stuttersworth.

Did you hear about the guy who couldn't stop pouring maple syrup on his bike?

Apparently he's stuck in a viscous cycle.







[just made this up \^_\^]

A man is walking home one foggy night,

When behind him he hears:

Thump...

Thump...

Thump...

He looks back, but the source of the sound is obscured by the fog. He continues walking.

Thump...

Thump...

Thump...

He begins to walk faster, and looks back over his shoulder as he hurries a...

I pour maple syrup over my essays

Because they're 100% waffle.

What do you call it when you put syrup in the washing machine?

A viscous cycle

This guy’s walking home from work, really late, in the pitch black of night...

There isn’t another soul on the street.

Suddenly, from out of the gloom, comes an ominous bump...bump…bump.

He looks behind him and spots a furtive, shadowy thing coming down the street after him.

Unnerved, he picks up his pace, finally breaking into a panicked run.

He...

Imagine the guy who invented maple syrup...

Hey this tree tastes way better than the last 10 trees I sucked!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So i came up with a new name for lube...

High Fructose Porn Syrup

Blood is Thicker than water, but maple syrup is Thicker than blood.

Therefore, pancakes are more important than family.

What did the Maple syrup farmer say when he saw a good looking maple tree?

"I'd tap that."

A man was found dead under an ice-cream truck, covered in chocolate syrup and sprinkles..

Police think he topped himself.

A mole family wakes up one morning.

The father mole stretches, climbs up to the edge of the hole, and exclaims, "it smells just like syrup out here!" The mama mole squeezes up next to him and says "well I'll be, it *does* smell like syrup!" Then the little baby mole tries to push his way to the hole but his mom and dad are completely ...

The Casket

One day i was walking home from work when all of a sudden i hear 'bang bang bang' behind me. I turned around to see what is making the noise an i see nothing. I carry on walking but after a while i hear the same noise but even louder. It sounds like someone hitting a wooden fence on the ground. I tu...

What is the similarity between a cough syrup and an undertaker?

They both take away the coffin.

First Pancake

A young mother was preparing breakfast for her sons, Kevin, 5 and Ryan, 3. They both said they wanted pancakes. As the pancakes were almost finished and the syrup was being heated in the microwave, the boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.

Their mother, who was also a Sund...

3 moles are digging underground in a single-file line.

The first mole stops digging and says, “I smell syrup!”

The second mole lifts up its head and says, “I smell honey!”

The mole in the back yells, “I smell mole-asses!”

An Elderly Couple Watching Television

Elderly couple... sitting down watching television
when the commercials come on, the husband smiles at his wife and says, I would love some ice cream right now.
His wife says, me too! What do you want, I’ll go get it.
Husband: I’d like to have 2 scoops of vanilla with chocolate and caram...

The Pharmacist

The pharmacist walks into the store to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.

He asks the clerk "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk responds: "Well, he came in here this morning to get
something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him ...

Belated halloween joke

One moonless night, a man is walking home from the pub. He's whistling to himself and enjoying the cool night air when he hears a distant thumping behind him. He thinks nothing of it and continues on his way.

Soon, he notices that the thumping noise is getting louder..

"thump.. thump.....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The hotel

A man checks into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He thought, "I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab." He popped into a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending o...

A pharmacist walks into his sho

The pharmacist finds a man leaning against the wall.

“What’s wrong with him?” He asks his assistant.

“He came in for some cough syrup,” explains the assistant. “But I couldn’t find any, so I sold him a bottle of laxatives instead.”

“What!” The pharmacist says, horrified. “You c...

A family of moles lived on a farm.

One morning, they wake up to the smell of fresh hot pancakes. The papa mole sticks his head up out of the hole and says "I smell pancakes!" The mama mole sticks her head up out of the hole and says "I smell syrup!" The baby mole tries to stick his head up out of the hole, but gets stuck behind the o...

An elderly couple with Alzheimer's go to their doctor

After the evaluation, the doctor says, "there's no pill or procedure that I can give you two to help with your memory, you're just going to have to write your thoughts down so you don't forget later." They agree and thank the doctor.

One night, while sitting on the couch together, the wife as...

I could never be a sugar daddy

I’m cheap and unhealthy. So I’d prefer to be called a high fructose corn syrup father.

A man takes a shortcut home through a graveyard at night.

Whistling loudly to steel himself against the cold fingers of fear, he strides quickly towards his destination.

As his eyes adjust to the dark, he notices an uncovered grave left by a lazy gravedigger. Feeling an uneasy chill, he averts his eyes from the coffin laid inside, missing the spade...

When I was in college I got my first job as a bartender...

...during orientation the manager told me about some of the regulars including Doctor John. He said Doctor John would come in every Thursday and order the same thing, 2 maple daiquiri's. It was pretty simple to make, some white rum, lime juice and maple syrup.

So my first Thursday shift arri...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Jonny saw his dad smoking.

"Dad, can I try that?" said Jonny.
His dad replies, "Does your dick touch your ass hole?"
"No."
"You can't smoke until your dick can touch your ass hole little Jonny."

A day later little Jonny sees his dad drinking a beer.
"Dad, can I try that?" said Jonny.
His dad ...

What does the pope put on his pancakes?

Papal syrup.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There are certain lines you don't cross.

One morning a few days ago, my wife and I were sitting at our kitchen table, enjoying a bit of verbal sparring while we ate. During one particular exchange I made the comment that if she kept up with her smart mouth, I was going to give her a "Rick James Special". She looked at me quizzically, pausi...

A man was being chased by a casket as he returned home late at night....

Desperate, he rushed into the bathroom that no one in the house ever uses and slammed the door shut.

As the thumping of the casket trying to break through the door echoed through the rather empty bathroom, the man frantically searched the place for something he can fight the casket with, howe...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Great Romanian joke

A bit on the long side, but stick with it, it's worth it!

The bunny rabbit wakes up one Sunday morning with an extreme craving to eat pancakes. This desire cannot wait and the forest diner is closed on Sundays, so he decides to hop all the way to the grocery store (25 min away). He gets there...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

3 men on plane thats about to go down.

One day an American,Canadian,and a Chinese are on a plane thats going down quick and need to lose weight to stay up so the pilot tells them to toss some stuff overboard.

The Chinese man was carrying an abundance of rice so he decides to throw a bag off. The Canadian man had a bottle of maple ...

The Mole family

Sorry if it's a repost... There are too many jokes to check them all.

So here goes..

Early one morning, mama mole woke and thought "I smell pancakes and syrup." So she climbed up the tunnel and stuck her nose out of the mole hole to enjoy the aroma. Papa mole followed and squeezed next...

A man was walking down a dark street...

A man was walking down a dark street, suddenly he heard a thump behind him. It was an open coffin.

The man started running, frantically trying to get away from the coffin, still it kept coming.

He ran to his car got in and sped off. Thinking he was safe, he ran into his house and locke...

Joke in honor of mole day

Three moles are going through the ground looking for food.
The first mole pops up out of the ground and sniffs around.
He says "hey guys I think were getting close I smell some syrup".
The next mole pops up and says "ya we must be a smell some syrup too".
The last mole pops up and says "...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two guys sitting next to each other on a plane...

They each have one black eye. After about 20 minutes one guy finally looks to the other and says "Okay, I gotta know, how did you get yours?"

They guy laughs and shakes his head "It's actually pretty funny. I was in the airport getting a ticket for this flight and, well the woman behind the c...

Forgetful couple

An elderly couple went to see their physician because the pair of them have been forgetting things as of late. The doctor performs an examination on them and concludes that they are in perfect health. He explains to them that in their old age people naturally start forgetting things, and advises th...

The Old Coffin

A man was walking home one day after a long day of work. As he was walking, he came up on a old coffin laying on the side of the trail. He thought it was odd because it was a old pine box coffin and he had never seen one in person before. The man shrugged it off and kept walking.

The man kept...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Kid in an ice-cream shop

A six year old kid walks into an ice cream shop in Chicago dressed as a cowboy and ask the girl at the counter for 2 scoops of chocolate ice cream.
The girl responds "would you like chocolate syrup and nuts on that?"
The kid responds with a "you bet yah!"
The girl then ask the kid "would y...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A little kid was on a park bench eating a 1 quart container of ice cream...

It had fudge, caramel syrup, sprinkles, and just about everything you could think of.

A man walks up to him and said, "That is so unhealthy! You'll become overweight, possibly get diabetes and so many more bad things."

The kid said, "My grandfather lived to be 102!"

The man rep...

A man is headed home from work late at night

He's sitting at the bus stop like he does every night when he hears a loud "CLANK... CLANK... CLANK..." He looks up from his phone and sees a coffin slowly walking towards him. Confused, he stands there for a little longer. The coffin continues to walk towards him but much quicker now. The man begi...

A chemist comes back from his lunch break.

He finds his assistant busy behind the counter, and a man twitching while leaning against the wall. "What's going on?" he asks. The assistant tells him that the man came in for some cough syrup. "Well, did you give it to him?" asks the chemist. "No, we didn't have any," replies the assistant.
...

A man spends a fortune on a horse that is supposed to be an amazing stallion

A man spends a fortune on a horse that is supposed to be an amazing stallion. He is told the horse will impregnate 20-30 fermale horses.

He brings the horse to his farm, but the horse is not doing anything, just sleeping and eating grass all day.

Some time after he meets with an old fr...

A man walking in the street sees a coffin bouncing toward him

Terrified, he runs away, between cars, through front yards, nothing works

Finally, he runs into a pharmacy, and out of desperation throws a bottle of cough syrup at it

Only then does the coffin' stop

A 90-year-old couple were having problems with their memory

so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. They explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were in good health, however, the best thing to do was ...

Toast at a Wedding

"May you live as long as you want and not want for as long as you live." That's an Irish toast.

"Cinnamon, eggs, bread, and maple syrup." That's a French toast.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Picket to Tittsburgh

I was at the local bus station to buy a ticket to Pittsburgh. While I was in line to purchase my ticket, I noticed the woman working behind the counter was stunning and had enormous breasts. I have always clammed up whenever I speak to women, let alone a gorgeous woman with a great rack, so I silent...

There once was a family of moles in their mole hole when one smelled something sweet...

The father mole stuck his head out of the mole hole and said "is that honey?" So the mother mole squeezed through the hole next to the father and smelled "that may be maple syrup! It smells so wonderful!" The baby mole, wanting to see what all the commotion was about, frustratingly couldn't fit betw...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It's Mr. Simon's last mail delivery after 40 years of dedicated service.

And as he arrives at the last house on his route, the number of gifts and tokens of appreciation in his overbrimming mail cart is pretty damned impressive.

And it's not without a tear in his eye that he flips the front door's brass mail slot to push the last delivery of his professional life ...

Seven Horse Jokes

Q Why was the young horse confused?

A He wasn't foal-ly aware of what was going on.

Q Why wouldn't that horse want to date the other horse?

A He didn't want to be a-filly-ated with her

Q Why did the horse need cough syrup?

A It caught a colt.

Q What was the ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

3 Guys on Leave ( NSFW )

Three guys who are on leave from the Army, arrive at a whore house. They haven't had any action in a long time, so they are eager to get laid.

The madam of the house tells the three men, "Well, we have a $100, $200 and $300 special".

The first guy said, "I'm a bit lean on money. ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A jew sees an opportunity to earn easy money

In advertisement on a wall, a jobless Russian offers a great deal, he claim to cure anyone of any condition for a mere 5000 euro, and if he fail he promises to pay 10 000 euro back . A passing jew sees this opportunity, and decides to earn some easy money and so he enters the building..


J...

So a family of moles wakes up one morning to the smell of pancakes...

The father mole heads up to check things out. From the entrance to their den, the smell is a lot stronger, but being naturally skittish, he stays in the doorway. "This smells great!" he said. "It smells like pancakes and warm syrup!"

Her curiosity piqued, the mother mole joins the father in ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] A newlywed couple return from their honeymoon...

Sally wants to make sure her man is treated right for his first day back to work, but unfortunately she doesn't know how to cook. Being a young couple, she never learned much from her mother and she never told her husband, but she remember he is a man and calls him into the bedroom.

She is l...

The worm sermon

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of choc...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Francois Francois, ze Great French Aviator

A woman goes to a lounge in France, where she is approached by a tall, well-dressed, dashing man.

"I am Francois Francois, ze Great French Aviator," he says, "and I want to make love to you."

"Yes," the woman replies, "take me to your apartment."

At Francois' apartment, the two ...

I got a text from my mother...

'Got a drop of syrup on my apple. It may be done for.'

I replied 'it's just some syrup - go wash it off with hot water. The apple should be fine.'

10 minutes later she texted back 'You don't know a damn thing about Macintosh, do you?'

Originally an Arabic joke!

A small town had one pharmacy until another opened across from the old one. A guy walks in the new pharmacy and asks the pharmacists for some Aspirin the pharmacist hands him one giant tablet, the man asks, “How is this supposed to help? It’s not gonna kill me?” The pharmacist says “Oh no, you see, ...

A guy goes to the doctor for a respiratory ailment...

...He says he's been coughing day and night for a week. His throat hurts all the time and he can't sleep.

The doctor examines him and notices he has a very distinct cough. "You're in luck," the doctor says. "Your illness is rare, but I happen to know of an excellent treatment for it. It may s...

My girlfriend asked me to get her a cold drink.

Apparently cough syrup wasn't what she was after.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Topical Jokes (5/14)

Folks, folks. What a day! There are some good jokes out there to be had. Let's take a gander, shall we?

There's already some news out of the presidential election front...

Some are reporting Gov. Christie is losing weight just so he can make a run in 2016. Not to be outdone, Sen. Rubio...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Jimmy's Birthday

It was little Jimmy's birthday. And for his birthday present, his mother got him a cowboy costume, complete with a hat, vest, belt with gun holsters, and two fake revolvers. His aunt gave him 5 dollars to go down the street to the ice cream store and get some ice cream.

At the ice cream store...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two doctors were talking about one of the nurses at their hospital...

"She seems very confused sometimes, and she always gets things mixed up! Last week I asked her to give Mrs. Frederikson two pills every twelve hours, and she gave her twelve pills every two hours!"
"I know, I Know" replies the second doctor "I observed something similar: I told her to feed one sp...

There Once Lived A Family of Moles on a Hill.

On morning Papa Mole woke up and walked to the entrance of the burrow. He was greeted with the most beautiful morning he had ever seen. The sunrise shone brightly and scents of spring wafted through the air.

"This is amazing!" Papa exclaimed "Ma! Come and see this! The morning's beautiful an...