UPJOKE
patoisjamaicacreolebritish englishreggaeafricancaribbeanpidginlanguagewest africaaborigineindianhispanioladialectamerican

Jamaican Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a man in Jamaica who had only one testicle. Jamaicans being Jamaicans gave him the street name 'Onestone'.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Bl...

A Jamaican fireman...

...came home from work one day and said to his wife: "Y'know sumpin, we have a wonderful new system at de fire station. Bell 1 rings - we put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings - we slide down de pole. Bell 3 rings - we jump on de ingine and we's ready to go. From now on, when I says 'Bell one' I want you...

A Jamaican man bought a round of drinks for everyone in the bar

A Jamaican man bought a round of drinks for everyone in the bar, announcing that his wife had just given birth to "a typical Jamaican baby boy weighing 20 pounds."

Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of "Wow!" were heard.

Two weeks later, he returned to t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man decided to tattoo his wife's name on his penis before going to their honeymoon

When erect it proudly reads *Wendy* on the side of his shaft, but when soft it only shows *Wy*.

While on his honeymoon in the Caribbean, he is using the bathroom and notices the guy in the urinal next to him also has a *Wy* on his penis. He then asks the guy if his wife is named Wendy.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jamaican Sandals

A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, ‘You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop..’

So t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jamaican man

Once an English man went to Jamaica. He was using the urinal and saw a Jamaican man. He saw the tattoo of initial W A on the Jamaican man's penis and was a bit jealous. He went to a tattoo parlor and got himself a tattoo on his penis. The next day, he met the same Jamaican man and proudly prompted, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Old Jamaican man lived alone in the country...

He wanted to dig his Yellow Yam and Sweet Potato Garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty badly because it...

What a jamaican reccomends for a healthy diet

Everybaddi needs to eat a three fruits a day maan, an mi hav a way to learn while dem doin dat yaknow? Ya kyan always remember to eat dem fruits by remembering di presidents maan.





George Bush? Im be a banana man.





Barack Obama? Im apple.



<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So…

An Afghan, an Albanian, and Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguan, an Argintine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, ...

I once worked with a very musically talented Jamaican

I once worked with a very musically talented Jamaican who, after years of auditions for various instruments, got a gig in the local orchestra playing the triangle- not his first choice. One day he came in super stressed looking.

I said “What’s up...can't handle the pressure of performing on ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jamaican guy gets invited to an emotion themed fancy dress party (terrible joke I liked when I was younger)

People start arriving before him, first is Sally who knocks on the door dressed head to toe in blue, with tear drops inked on her face. "Ah Sally nice costume, you are clearly sadness, come on in and get yourself a drink."

Next up is Andy, who knocks on the door dressed head to toe in red, wi...

what does a jamaican frog sound like?

reggae

What do you call it when a Jamaican chef cooks Hawaiian food?

Poké, mon!

What do you call an Italian-Jamaican fish?

Salmon

What did the the Jamaican daddy spice say to his son when he was being bad?

Your a cinnamon

A Jamaican, a Haitian, a Dominican and an Aruban went to Carnival.

Before the dancing girl began her set, she asked if the guys could see her.

"Yes." "Oui." "Si." "Ja."

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a Jamaican are waiting in the maternity ward whilst their partners gave birth.

The midwife comes out and says that all the babies have been born healthy and mothers are doing fine but there’s been a mix-up and they aren’t sure which baby belongs to whom.
The Englishman rushes in and picks up the black baby and starts walking out. The others stop him and ask him what the hel...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 Jamaicans go to a dress up party

The theme is 'emotions' with a strict entry policy. No costume, no entry.

The first guy knocks on the door dressed as a giant pear. The host says "this is an emotions party, what are you supposed to be?"

He replies "I'm in dis pear" and walks in.

The 2nd guy doesnt have a costu...

"Dad," said my son during the music performance, "who's that dead Jamaican man waving his stick around?"

I said, "Son, he's decomposer."

What are a Jamaican persons pronouns?

I and I

I'm really pleased that our band has just signed a Jamaican triangle player.

Now every little *ting* is gonna be all right!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was having a pee at a urinal in Jamaica when a local man joined him..

"What is that tattoo you have on your penis?" Says the local man

"Oh, it says WY now because it was the name of my ex girlfriend, Wendy, so when I get an erection it says her name.." says the man.

"Take a look at this" the Jamaican shows the man his penis, also having WY on his penis.....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Jamaicans...

***If you have a thing against bad accents, you're going to have a bad time.***

...Are browsing thru some generic, privately-owned shop. On their way out one of them remarks, "Dere's nuting to do in dis town." The couple who owns the shop overhears this while clerking at the front counter and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How did the Jamaican burn his dick?

Jerking it.

What's a Jamaicans favorite noodle?

Raaahmon

It’s almost National Jamaican Hairstyle Day.

Everyone’s dreadin’ it.

Jamaicans that fear operating doors with a key...

They dreadlocks.

Why did the Jamaican spice dealer turn his life around?

Because he was a cinna-mon

A new episode of my favorite Jamaican cooking show just came on...

What-Jamaican

Having a Jamaican hairstyle theme at work tommorow.

Im dreading it.

What is a Jamaican's favorite variety of snake?

Cottonmouth or something, I wasn't paying attention.

One Jamaican strolls up to another Jamaican in the park.

'Aright man, nice puppy ya gat there,' said the first Jamaican. 'What's it breed?'

The second Jamaican replied, 'Dis ting breed air like all da other puppies, man.'

Why don't Jamaican people secure their homes?

Because they dread locks

Today I was given a box of Jamaican hair extensions....

It was dreadful

A Jamaican guy asks another Jamaican guy...

"Hey mon, do you know what the thing that casts the shadow in a sundial is called?"

The other guy thinks for a moment and then responds: "Gnomon".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I man had a girlfriend named Wendy...

...he decided to get a tattoo of her name on his penis. When erect, it read "Wendy", and when flaccid, all you saw was "W" and "Y".

Out for dinner one day, he excused himself to the bathroom and went to the urinal, next to him was a Jamaican man. The man took a gander at the Jamaican's membe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was surprised to meet a very mean Jamaican...

At the Jerk Festival.

To The Jamaican Bobsled Team

After the Winter Olympics, one fellow is so taken with the Jamaican bobsled team that he decides that they deserve an epic scale statue in Jamaica. He travels to Jamaica, and talks with every government official and rich person he can find. All of them chase him off saying that it's a crazy idea, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I did my Jamaican stepfather proud by making a successful career in pornography

He always said I would amount to nuttin'...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jamaican eating pussy joke.

It was Christmas Eve. A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping. Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg. "What is that?" he asked. She said, "I visited the tattoo parlor today. On the inside of one leg I had them tat...

2 Jamaicans are lost in the desert..

After wandering aimlessly for hours, one of the two spots an oasis in the distance. As they draw nearer, the other man spots an odd tree growing at the oasis, a tree with bacon for leaves. He turns to his friend and says "Look man, it's a bacon tree!!". His friend replies " No way man you're halluci...

which spice, according to jamaicans, is definitely going to hell?

the cinnamon!

A Jamaican walks into a bar.

He loses the limbo competition.

What's a Jamaican's favorite pasta?

Reggaetoni

Why do Jamaican pilots make really good spies?

"Cos they're always in de' skies mon".

What is the difference between Jamaicans and Jewish people?

Their reaction when someone asks if they want to get baked.

I'm gonna open a Jamaican poke fusion resturant

Called Poke Mon

Jamaican Nudest Tattoo

A white guy takes a vacation at a Jamaican nudest resort. He sits at the bar next to a local. The Jamaican notices the white guy has the letters "WY" tattooed on his junk. He asks, "What does that mean." The white guy responds, "My wife's name is Wendy so when I get hard it spells it out." The white...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Jamaican men are invited to a costume party…

The invitation read “come dressed as an emotion”. Both of the men were stumped as to what to go as and thought long and hard for weeks. Finally on the day of the party, while they were sitting in the kitchen, an idea came to one of them. He jumped up, ran to the fridge and grabbed a large bowl of cu...

What do Jamaicans call their fingers?

*Digimons*

P.S. my wife wanted a divorce after this one

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my Jamaican friend to explain to me what "Jerk Chicken" is...

...he said it's the chicken that none of the other chickens liked.

What does a Jamaican eat for breakfast?

A beer can sandwich.

How can you tell if a car is Jamaican

By the reaggestration plates

How does a Jamaican close a prayer?

Ayy mon'

A spice walks into a Jamaican bar...

A spice walks into a Jamaican bar, the bartender says in a thick Jamaican accent, "hey don't I recognize you from church?" The spice replies "no, I'm an atheist" The bartender exclaims "SINNA-MON"

How does a jamaican propose?

Marry Ju Wanna?

What do you call a deadly Jamaican rock?

A Diemond

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do Jamaican philosophers shit together?

Because they discuss tings.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jamaican, an Italian, and Jew.

So these three long time friends meet at the pub every Sunday night for beers and a chat to close out the week.

One of these Sunday nights the conversation turns to sex, and as some bragging starts happening they decide to challenge each other to a sexual prowess contest. They agree to meet ...

Why can't Jamaicans count to 10?

Because there's a *tree* in the way!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If a bunch of Jamaican chefs got together and had a cooking contest...

Would it be called a “jerk off”?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you heard about the new Japanese-Jamaican raw fish dish?

It's just pokemon...

What do you call a Jamaican murder weapon

A blunt object

Why do Jamaican foot fetishists love to lose?

Because they love de feet

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This white dude gets engaged, and decides to take a solo vacation to Jamaica.

Before he leaves, he gets his fiancé’s name, Wendy, tattooed on his prick. He has the tattoo artist make it so, that when he’s flaccid, his tattoo would spell WNY. When he was erect, it would spell out her full name. He arrives in Jamaica, and is having the time of his life. While at one of the nude...

Why was the Jamaican footballer sad?

He was kicked off his team's rasta

To the Jamaican guy that got my girlfriend pregnant...

Thanks for nuttin.

How do you call a Jamaican mountain?

High ground

How do Jamaican's end their prayers?

Ey mon.

What do you call a Jamaican lizard that always wants to know what’s going on?

A Whataguana

(I made this up when I was quite drunk and I thought it was hilarious)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman walks into a Jamaican nudist bar

A woman vacationing in Jamaica walks into a nudist bar and approaches two guys. She notices that both the white guy and the Jamaican guy have W Y tattooed on their penises. She asks the white guy why he has W Y tattooed on his dick and he says “because when I’m erect it says Wendy my girlfriends n...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jamaican Holiday

So a man took a trip to Jamaica. He was having a great time. In the morning he enjoyed some world famous Blue Mountain coffee. Around lunch time he tried some ganja, and joined a drum circle. Later that evening he was at a local bar, had some Rum, and a couple red stripes. He made his way to the toi...

What did the Jamaican guy say to the Mexican guy when he asked him if he likes ham?

Ja món

Jamaican Snowman

What's a Jamaican snowman's favorite song? ...... Snowoman no cry.

What did the Jamaican baker call his best friend?

Breadrin

Why was the Jamaican man doubting himself that he swam in Egypt

He was In De Nile

My Jamaican buddy is dating a Spanish chick. He doesn't like her granddad, Juan...

But he does like Hernando.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the Jamaican spicemaker who had sex before marriage?

He was a cinna-mon

A Jamaican is sightseeing in Egypt.

A vehicle drives by, beeping its horn. "Coo yah!" he says. "It's tootin' car, mon!"

This joke is like a Jamaican barbershop...

Dreadful

What do you get when you cross a Jamaican with a ginger?

A gingerbreadmon.

Don’t get a Jamaican hairdo...

I did and I have been dreading it ever since.

I asked my Jamaican friend what he named his pet fish

He said “Sal mon”

A Jamaican man has stormed into my hairdressers and demanded I give him a new style.

I'm dreading it.

So the Jamaican said to the Arab..

"Aye where you from? You from tha beach mon?" The Arab replied "Yemen!'

A Jamaican walks into a bank...

A Jamaican walks into a bank with a 25kg bag of marijuana and hands it over to the cashier.

Shocked, the cashier asks, "What's this for?"

The Rastafarian replies, "Me here to open a joint account."

What do you call a Jamaican man born in Italy?

Reggae-Toni

What does a Jamaican Liar sit on?

Deceit.

What do you call a Jamaican gynecologist?

A poke-mon!

Pls don't hurt me.

What do you call someone making trouble in a Jamaican church?

A Cinnamon

(sound it out)

A Jamaican man was recently employed in a butchers...

...one of his jobs that night was to prepare bacon sandwiches for the next morning but he ended up wasted on a 6 pack of beer and when he sampled the bacon he found it to be too delicious and ended up scoffing the whole lot.

In the morning when the owner asked to try a sandwich, the guy panic...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.