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Jamaican Jokes

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There was a man in Jamaica who had only one testicle. Jamaicans being Jamaicans gave him the street name 'Onestone'.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Bl...

A Jamaican fireman...

...came home from work one day and said to his wife: "Y'know sumpin, we have a wonderful new system at de fire station. Bell 1 rings - we put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings - we slide down de pole. Bell 3 rings - we jump on de ingine and we's ready to go. From now on, when I says 'Bell one' I want you...

A Jamaican man bought a round of drinks for everyone in the bar

A Jamaican man bought a round of drinks for everyone in the bar, announcing that his wife had just given birth to "a typical Jamaican baby boy weighing 20 pounds."

Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of "Wow!" were heard.

Two weeks later, he returned to t...

What a jamaican reccomends for a healthy diet

Everybaddi needs to eat a three fruits a day maan, an mi hav a way to learn while dem doin dat yaknow? Ya kyan always remember to eat dem fruits by remembering di presidents maan.





George Bush? Im be a banana man.





Barack Obama? Im apple.



<...

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So…

An Afghan, an Albanian, and Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguan, an Argintine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, ...

I once worked with a very musically talented Jamaican

I once worked with a very musically talented Jamaican who, after years of auditions for various instruments, got a gig in the local orchestra playing the triangle- not his first choice. One day he came in super stressed looking.

I said “What’s up...can't handle the pressure of performing on ...

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An Old Jamaican man lived alone in the country...

He wanted to dig his Yellow Yam and Sweet Potato Garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty badly because it...

what does a jamaican frog sound like?

reggae

What are a Jamaican persons pronouns?

I and I

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a Jamaican are waiting in the maternity ward whilst their partners gave birth.

The midwife comes out and says that all the babies have been born healthy and mothers are doing fine but there’s been a mix-up and they aren’t sure which baby belongs to whom.
The Englishman rushes in and picks up the black baby and starts walking out. The others stop him and ask him what the hel...

"Dad," said my son during the music performance, "who's that dead Jamaican man waving his stick around?"

I said, "Son, he's decomposer."

What do you call an Italian-Jamaican fish?

Salmon

I'm really pleased that our band has just signed a Jamaican triangle player.

Now every little *ting* is gonna be all right!

What did the the Jamaican daddy spice say to his son when he was being bad?

Your a cinnamon

What do you call it when a Jamaican chef cooks Hawaiian food?

Poké, mon!

A Jamaican, a Haitian, a Dominican and an Aruban went to Carnival.

Before the dancing girl began her set, she asked if the guys could see her.

"Yes." "Oui." "Si." "Ja."

It’s almost National Jamaican Hairstyle Day.

Everyone’s dreadin’ it.

One Jamaican strolls up to another Jamaican in the park.

'Aright man, nice puppy ya gat there,' said the first Jamaican. 'What's it breed?'

The second Jamaican replied, 'Dis ting breed air like all da other puppies, man.'

Jamaicans that fear operating doors with a key...

They dreadlocks.

Why did the Jamaican spice dealer turn his life around?

Because he was a cinna-mon

A new episode of my favorite Jamaican cooking show just came on...

What-Jamaican

Why don't Jamaican people secure their homes?

Because they dread locks

Today I was given a box of Jamaican hair extensions....

It was dreadful

What's a Jamaicans favorite noodle?

Raaahmon

2 Jamaicans are lost in the desert..

After wandering aimlessly for hours, one of the two spots an oasis in the distance. As they draw nearer, the other man spots an odd tree growing at the oasis, a tree with bacon for leaves. He turns to his friend and says "Look man, it's a bacon tree!!". His friend replies " No way man you're halluci...

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I was surprised to meet a very mean Jamaican...

At the Jerk Festival.

Having a Jamaican hairstyle theme at work tommorow.

Im dreading it.

What is a Jamaican's favorite variety of snake?

Cottonmouth or something, I wasn't paying attention.

A Jamaican walks into a bar.

He loses the limbo competition.

A Jamaican guy asks another Jamaican guy...

"Hey mon, do you know what the thing that casts the shadow in a sundial is called?"

The other guy thinks for a moment and then responds: "Gnomon".

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I asked my Jamaican friend to explain to me what "Jerk Chicken" is...

...he said it's the chicken that none of the other chickens liked.

How can you tell if a car is Jamaican

By the reaggestration plates

What's a Jamaican's favorite pasta?

Reggaetoni

Why do Jamaican pilots make really good spies?

"Cos they're always in de' skies mon".

How does a jamaican propose?

Marry Ju Wanna?

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A Jamaican, an Italian, and Jew.

So these three long time friends meet at the pub every Sunday night for beers and a chat to close out the week.

One of these Sunday nights the conversation turns to , and as some bragging starts happening they decide to challenge each other to a prowess contest. They agree to meet ...

which spice, according to jamaicans, is definitely going to hell?

the cinnamon!

To The Jamaican Bobsled Team

After the Winter Olympics, one fellow is so taken with the Jamaican bobsled team that he decides that they deserve an epic scale statue in Jamaica. He travels to Jamaica, and talks with every government official and rich person he can find. All of them chase him off saying that it's a crazy idea, ...

A spice walks into a Jamaican bar...

A spice walks into a Jamaican bar, the bartender says in a thick Jamaican accent, "hey don't I recognize you from church?" The spice replies "no, I'm an atheist" The bartender exclaims "SINNA-MON"

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Why do Jamaican philosophers together?

Because they discuss tings.

Why can't Jamaicans count to 10?

Because there's a *tree* in the way!

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If a bunch of Jamaican chefs got together and had a cooking contest...

Would it be called a “”?

I'm gonna open a Jamaican poke fusion resturant

Called Poke Mon

What does a Jamaican eat for breakfast?

A beer can sandwich.

How does a Jamaican close a prayer?

Ayy mon'

What do you call a Jamaican murder weapon

A blunt object

How do Jamaican's end their prayers?

Ey mon.

What do you call a Jamaican lizard that always wants to know what’s going on?

A Whataguana

(I made this up when I was quite drunk and I thought it was hilarious)

What is the difference between Jamaicans and Jewish people?

Their reaction when someone asks if they want to get baked.

What do Jamaicans call their fingers?

*Digimons*

P.S. my wife wanted a divorce after this one

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Have you heard about the new Japanese-Jamaican raw fish dish?

It's just pokemon...

Why do Jamaican foot fetishists love to lose?

Because they love de feet

What do you call a deadly Jamaican rock?

A Diemond

Why was the Jamaican footballer sad?

He was kicked off his team's rasta

To the Jamaican guy that got my girlfriend pregnant...

Thanks for nuttin.

Jamaican Snowman

What's a Jamaican snowman's favorite song? ...... Snowoman no cry.

What did the Jamaican baker call his best friend?

Breadrin

Why was the Jamaican man doubting himself that he swam in Egypt

He was In De Nile

My Jamaican buddy is dating a Spanish chick. He doesn't like her granddad, Juan...

But he does like Hernando.

What did the Jamaican guy say to the Mexican guy when he asked him if he likes ham?

Ja mĂłn

How do you call a Jamaican mountain?

High ground

A Jamaican is sightseeing in Egypt.

A vehicle drives by, beeping its horn. "Coo yah!" he says. "It's tootin' car, mon!"

This joke is like a Jamaican barbershop...

Dreadful

What do you get when you cross a Jamaican with a ginger?

A gingerbreadmon.

I asked my Jamaican friend what he named his pet fish

He said “Sal mon”

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Did you hear about the Jamaican spicemaker who had before marriage?

He was a cinna-mon

A Jamaican man has stormed into my hairdressers and demanded I give him a new style.

I'm dreading it.

Don’t get a Jamaican hairdo...

I did and I have been dreading it ever since.

So the Jamaican said to the Arab..

"Aye where you from? You from tha beach mon?" The Arab replied "Yemen!'

What do you call a Jamaican man born in Italy?

Reggae-Toni

A Jamaican walks into a bank...

A Jamaican walks into a bank with a 25kg bag of marijuana and hands it over to the cashier.

Shocked, the cashier asks, "What's this for?"

The Rastafarian replies, "Me here to open a joint account."

What does a Jamaican Liar sit on?

Deceit.

What do you call someone making trouble in a Jamaican church?

A Cinnamon

(sound it out)

A Jamaican man was recently employed in a butchers...

...one of his jobs that night was to prepare bacon sandwiches for the next morning but he ended up wasted on a 6 pack of beer and when he sampled the bacon he found it to be too delicious and ended up scoffing the whole lot.

In the morning when the owner asked to try a sandwich, the guy panic...
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