I had myself tested for AIDS, but made a terrible mistake

I crammed the night before

How do you study for a prostate exam?

Cram hard.

Three Saudis and three Turks are travelling by train...

Three Saudis and three Turks are travelling by train to a conference. At the station, the Turks each buy one ticket and watch as the Saudis buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Turks. "Watch and you'll see," answers one of the Saudis. T...

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[NSFW] Thomas Edison is busy inventing in his basement, when his wife, Mary, goes to a friend's house to ask for her advice.

"Thomas just won't go down on me", Mary tells her friend.

"I'll let you in on a little secret", the friend replies, "If you want oral sex with Thomas, try coating your privates with something sweet tasting, it works for me!"

When Mary arrives home she checks in the cupboards and finds...

Two Calculus Professors Are Grabbing Dinner Together

Two calculus professors are grabbing dinner together.

The first one says to the other: “Why do we teach our students calculus? They just cram it for the tests then forget it.”

The second professor says: “They don’t forget it after the final I’ll prove it to you. The next time the wai...

A penguin on a road trip through...

...the desert noticed steam coming out from under the hood of his car pulled over in a small town. He found a walrus working in a service station who said he could fix it straight away. Penguin was understandably hot and asked where he could find a cool treat. Walrus mechanic told him about an ice ...

How many chefs does it take to stuff a turkey?

One, but you really have to cram him in there.

What do you call a fruit that studies the night before a test?

A cram-berry.

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A man begins to suspect he has a tapeworm, so he goes to the doctor...

The doctor examines him and confirms that yes, he does have a tapeworm. "And it's a pretty wily one, too. Every time I try to yank it out, it just darts away. I'm gonna have to resort to more unorthodox methods..."

The man doesn't like the sound of that, but he's desperate to get rid of the p...

Engineers and Lawyers

Three lawyers are buying tickets for a train to Chicago. Ahead of them in line, three engineers purchase a single ticket.

One of the lawyers asks, "How are you going to travel with just a ticket between the three of you?"

"Watch and you'll see," winks one of the engineers.

The t...

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I like my dicks like I like my "I like my women like I like my coffee..." jokes

I'll take one every few months if I have to, but it'd be nice if there weren't so many people constantly trying to cram their shitty ones down my throat.

There once was a poet named Stan...

...whose limericks never would scan.
When told this was so,
He'd reply, "yes, I know,
But you see, the thing is, I seem to have gone and gotten myself into this really rather ridiculous habit recently of always trying to cram as many completely unnecessary additional syllables into th...

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Three men crash on a small, tropical island.

They discover a tribe of cannibals, and are quickly captured and brought to the chief. The chief says that he will spare any person who can fit 20 of the same kind of fruit in their ass without making a sound. They are allowed to forage, and the first man comes back with 20 apples. Despite all of hi...

A man is sitting on a barstool...

and eating from a bowl of peanuts. But instead of just eating them, he takes one peanut at a time, mutters "You suck!", and then crams it into his mouth. He continues to do this for a while.

Finally, the woman next to him can't contain her curiosity. "Why are you saying that?" she asks.
...

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Three men are confronted by the grim reaper [NSFW]

The grim reaper says to the three men, "I will spare your lives if you can each collect 12 pieces of fruit for me." All three men go their separate ways, and a few minutes later guy 1 comes back with 12 oranges.


The grim reaper says "before I can spare your life, you must complete one fin...

The General and the Camel. NSFW text.

So theres this new General that gets flown into Iraq to oversee an stratigical operation there. He is walking around the camp, meeting the new soldiers and generally (no pun intended) just getting to know the lay of the land.

A seargent introduces himself to the General and starts showing him...

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An old mechanic friend helps a drunk. (Kinda long, sorry.)

I was talking to this grizzled old mechanic friend one time, he looked like an old version of Yosemite Sam. Had a cigarette hanging out of his mouth, sounded like an old cowboy, his big ol' handlebar mustache wiggling and twitching with every word. Suddenly he starts telling this story about how he ...

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So, three men die and end up in Hell...

...where the Devil informs them that he will give all of them another chance at life, if they bring him back as much of their favorite fruit that they can carry in their arms. This seemed like an easy enough request, so the three men agreed. The Devil sends them back to Earth to pick their fruit. ...

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A lonely old woman goes to a pet store to find a companion...

A lonely old woman goes to the pet store with the hopes of finding a pet to keep her company.

 

The store owner says "I have just the thing for you! We have a parrot that I think would be the perfect fit. He speaks over 500 words." The old woman is elated, buys the parrot, and...

So there are a group of engineers and a group of mathematicians heading to a conference

They are sitting on a train together when both groups spot the train's ticket collector coming down the aisle. Quickly two of the engineers scuttle into the washroom, leaving the mathematicians confused. After the collector stamps all the mathematicians tickets he approaches the washroom and knocks....