What’s the difference between a pile of dead bodies and a Lamborghini

I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage

Sean Connery was recently injured by a pile of books that fell on him.

When asked about the incident, he responded, “I had nobody but my shelf to blame.”

What Do You Call A Chicken Staring At A Pile of Lettuce?

A Chicken Sees A Salad

What do you call a pile of kittens?

A Meowtain

Whenever I receive a large number of resumes for a job posting, I seperate them into two piles...

Then I throw one of the piles in the garbage. I don't want to risk hiring someone unlucky.

Today my 10 year old daughter referred to the pile of dirty laundry that my wife is doing as.

Mount Wash More.

Two goldfish are hanging out in a tank next to a pile of shells...

One turns to the other and asks "Do you have any ideas about how we can load the gun on this thing?"

Two flies land on a pile of manure.

One fly passes gas. The other fly looks at him and says, “Hey do you mind? I’m eating here.”

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NSFW In honor of my Father, his favorite joke of all time. No one could tell it like he did.

Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus.

Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I...

What do you call a guy with no arms and legs sitting in a pile of leaves?

Russell.

What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a trampoline?

You take off your shoes before jumping on the trampoline.

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Saw a guy betting anyone $50 to see if he could fire a bullet into a pile of cow dung 30 yards away.

I thought to myself, “that’s kind of a crapshoot.”

Two Eskimos sitting, paddling along in a kayak, when one felt a little chilly so he made a little pile of sticks and lit a fire in the craft.

His friend shouted at him to put it out, but the warning was ignored.
Unsurprisingly, the kayak sank quite quickly and finding themselves in the (cold) water, the second Eskimo whacked his idiot mate over the head with a now redundant paddle.
"Ouch!!" said the previously warm Eskimo, "what di...

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What's the difference between a pile of leaves and a pile of prostitutes?

The cops ask to see my permit when I burn a pile of leaves

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Fred Phelps, leader of Westboro Baptist Church, found dead in home surrounded by piles of partially chewed food. Cause of death: starvation. Next to his body was a note in his own handwriting

"Can't swallow cause that's gay"

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A guy walks into a bar and slips on a huge pile of dog shit.

He gets up and goes to the bartender to tell him about the mess. Meanwhile another guy walks into the bar and slips on the same pile of shit.

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The first guy walks over and points at the mess and says "I JUST did that"...he woke up a few seconds later with a black eye.

Did you hear that there’s a table over there with a pile of free cocaine one it?

You better get there quick. It looks like people are already starting to form a line

Why was the snowman looking through a pile of carrots?

He was picking his nose

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Do you ever look at a pile of shit and think, that was inside of me?

As you can tell, I don’t think of my ex fondly

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A fly is sitting alone on a pile of crap. A fly lands next to him and says,

Is this stool taken?

What does a pile of ceramic make when it falls?

A tile wave.

As a lawyer i work on a huge pile of cases every day

I can't afford a real desk.

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A Jew, a Christian and a Muslim find a pile of coins

A Jew, a Christian and a Muslim find a pile of coins.

They start arguing what they should take and what they should give to God.

The Christian draws a circle and says, “We throw the coins into he air, and whatever lands in the circle, we keep.”

The Muslim says, “No no no. Whate...

When you get new tires and accidentally drive over a pile of nails the next day..

The struggle is wheel.

What does a pile of bricks and a fat chick have in common?

They both probably gonna get laid by some Mexican

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Did you hear about the guy who had sex with his sister in a pile of lemon peels?

It was in zest

What do you call a legless, armless amputee wiggling around in a pile of leaves?

Russell.

What do you call a big pile of kittens?

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A Meowtin.

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/told by my 7 year old niece this morning. I lol'ed pretty hard.

What is the difference between an old light bulb and a pile of salt?

One is an incandescent.
The other is Incan dessicant

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Two cowboys, Bill and Jim, are riding out when they see a pile of horseshit on the ground

"I bet you ten bucks you can't eat that pile of horseshit, Jim", says Bill, being a joking kind of a guy.

However Jim, being helluva tough guy, answers the bet and eats the pile of shit. Bill reluctantly give him the well-earned $10.

Still, Jim is somewhat upset after eating a pile of ...

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A lieutenant was walking down the road when he saw a boy playing with a pile of shit...

He walks up to the boy and asks, "What are you doing with that pile of shit?" The boy replies "Im building an NCO."

The lieutenant thought it was hilarious and goes and gets his captain to show him. The captain asks the kid "Why are you playing with that pile of shit." Again, the boy replies...

How do cows avoid stepping into their own piles?

They outmanurever them.

A child psychologist had twin boys—one was an optimist; the other, a pessimist. Just to see what would happen, on Christmas Day he loaded the pessimist’s room with toys and games. In the optimist’s room, he dumped a pile of horse droppings.

That night, the father found the pessimist surrounded by his gifts, crying.

“What’s wrong?” the father asked.

“I have a ton of game manuals to read … I need batteries … and my toys will all eventually get broken!” sobbed the pessimist.

Passing the optimist’s room, the father fou...

We had a job opening with 60 applicants. I threw the top half of the pile of resumes away without looking at them. My colleague asked why I did that.

I replied, "I do not want unlucky people working for me."

I told Sean Connery about how I was crushed by a pile of books.

He said 'you've only got your shelf to blame'.

What do you call that day when you finally do all the chores and work you've let pile up?

Tomorrow

A man is cleaning out his house and finds a pile of old New York Post papers.

He decides he doesn't have any use for them, and goes to the local recycling center to dispose of them.

He sees the first recycling bin, marked "Glass". The man says, "No, this won't do. I need a different bin."

He sees the second recycling bin, marked "Plastic". The man says, "No, thi...

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Fell into a pile of my wife's bra's and couldn't get out.

It was a booby trap.

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A treasure hunter found gold inside a pile of dried turds.

He went through a lot of hard-shits to get it.

What did a pile of sand say to another in sahara

Long time no sea

A man and a pile of mud begin to race...

The mud won by a landslide.

My wife screeched at me, "What's this pile of clothes doing on the floor!?"

I whispered, "It's a dead Jedi!"

Why were Gandhi's remains compressed to make piles of 50 rupee coins?

he said "be the change you wish to see in the world".

The boss of a mining company is trying to decide which of his 3 sons to promote, so he gives them a test...

He sits them all down and tells them: "There is bound to come a time in this company when you will hit a sudden economic crisis. When these times come you must know how to cut down on expenses and do the best you can with what budget you have. " He then proceeds to give them each 1000 dollars, and t...

A father puts a gold watch in one son's stocking and a pile of manure in the other son's...

The first son brings the watch to his father and with a worried face says, "dad I'm not sure what to do with this watch, it's fragile, and small, and I don't really wear watches. I don't like it."


The father wasn't surprised by his son's reaction because he typically has a poor perspecti...

The armed grenade was under a pile of chick peas, tahini and olive oil.

Captain Smith threw himself on top of it to save his men from the inevitable explosion.

His medal for bravery was awarded post-hummusly

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A cannibal is crying next to a pile of shit.

"What's wrong?", another asks.

"I just dumped my girlfriend", he sobs in reply.

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A little man walks into a bar, and on the way in he steps in a pile of dog shit...

He totally wipes out and lands on his ass. He gets up and dusts himself off and continues into the bar.

A few minutes later a big guy is walking into the same bar and also steps in the same plie of dog shit and also wipes out. Same as the little guy, he gets up and dusts himself off and conti...

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Anti-Jokes

Whats green and smells like red paint? Green paint.

Whats worse than biting in to an apple and finding a worm? Getting raped by a giant scorpion.

A horse walks in to a bar. Several people get up and leave as they spot the potential danger in the situation.

What's brown and stick...

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That poor man fell into a pile of crap and glue

That shit sticks with you.

I once got in a fight with a pile of dirt...

The pile of dirt won by a landslide.

"Knock Knock", "Who's There?", "I ate a pile up..."

"Knock Knock",
"Who's There?",
"I ate a pile up..."
"I ate a pile up who--"

(Say it aloud for full effect. Brought to you by my 8-year-old.)

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Two drunk men are walking down the street when they see a pile of dog shit.

One of them says "Bet you 100 dollars you can't eat that shit." The other agrees, eats the shit, and gets his 100 dollars.

A bit further down the road they see another pile of dog shit. "I bet you 100 dollars you can't eat that shit" says the second. The first takes him up on it, eats the shi...

At snack time at a Catholic elementary school there was a tray of apples. A note beside them read "Take only ONE. God is watching." At the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note,

"Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

The HR takes the top 20 application folders from the pile and throw it in the trash.

Those people have bad luck. We don't want people with bad luck.

When I'm a hiring manager and I receive a pile of CVs

I throw half of the pile in the trash. I don't want unlucky people working in my department.

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Five Minute Management Lesson

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob ...

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So, a guy walks around and happens upon an enormous pile of...

...manure. Just yuuuge. And as he was about to walk around, he spots a little girl. About six or seven, with a shovel firmly in her hands, determined and serious look on her face, a little bow on her hair, poor kid's dirty and smelly, and standing off on one side of the pile and digging. Zealously. ...

Your mom is like a pile of bricks.

Constantly getting laid by Mexicans.

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What is the difference between a pile of dead babies and a porn stash?

My porn stash isn't enough to get me off anymore.

What do you call a pile of blessed black waist sashes?

A Benedictine Cumberbatch.

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