A man died when a pile of books fell on him

He only had his shelf to blame

What does a fat white woman and a pile of bricks have in common?

Sooner or later they will both get laid by a Mexican.

What do you call a pile of cats?

A Meowtain


My daughter's joke.

I hate it when British people talk about the big pile of trash in the ocean.

They shouldn’t talk about their country like that.

What do you call a religious pile of hay?

A Christian bale.

What do you call a rooster staring at a pile of lettuce

A chicken sees a salad

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What did the judge say to the junk collector with a pile of code enforcement tickets?

Hoarder in the court!

I came into a pile of cash when my grandmother died.

Weird fetishes help me deal with grief.

My wife said childbirth was the worst pain, until I told her how I once landed barefoot on a huge pile of toy bricks.

She didn't have a Lego to stand on.

I woke up this morning to find my patio covered in little brown squishy piles surrounded by little frog-like footprints.

I think they must be toad stools.

What the difference between a Lamborghini and a pile of dead bodies.

There isn’t a Lamborghini in my garage.

A lawyer was working in his office when Satan appeared. "I can make it so you win every case in your career and make huge piles of money. In exchange you will sell me your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, your parent's souls, your grandparent's souls, and the souls of all your friends.

The lawyer thought it over for a moment and then asked, "What's the catch?"

Why did the safety manager avoid the pile of LSD in the middle of the floor?

He felt it was a tripping hazard.

Whenever I receive a large number of resumes for a job posting, I seperate them into two piles...

Then I throw one of the piles in the garbage. I don't want to risk hiring someone unlucky.

Do you know who I am?

It was final exams for a senior level college class, and the exam counted as 75% of the grade.

The exam was also strictly timed.

5 minutes before the time was up, the professor gave a warning, "remember, 5 minutes left. When I say put your pencils down, you must do it, or you'll immedi...

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Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a "for sale" sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. "Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and i...

Today my 10 year old daughter referred to the pile of dirty laundry that my wife is doing as.

Mount Wash More.

Sean Connery was recently injured by a pile of books that fell on him.

When asked about the incident, he responded, “I had nobody but my shelf to blame.”

A brunette, redhead and blond went to a remote fitness spa deep in the mountains for some fun and relaxation.

After a stimulating healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the ladies room and found a strange-looking woman sitting at the entrance who said, "Welcome to the ladies room. Be sure to check out our newest feature: a mirror which, if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be awarded ...

A blonde walks into a shop and wants a pair of alligator boots.

The shopkeeper tells her they do not sell expensive items to blondes.

After becoming very frustrated with the shopkeepers attitude the blonde declares. FINE ILL JUST GO CATCH AN ALLIGATOR AND GET MY OWN BOOTS!

The shopkeeper replied why don't you just try young lady with a smirk.
...

Two goldfish are hanging out in a tank next to a pile of shells...

One turns to the other and asks "Do you have any ideas about how we can load the gun on this thing?"

Two flies land on a pile of manure.

One fly passes gas. The other fly looks at him and says, “Hey do you mind? I’m eating here.”

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Saw a guy betting anyone $50 to see if he could fire a bullet into a pile of cow dung 30 yards away.

I thought to myself, “that’s kind of a crapshoot.”

Why was the snowman looking through a pile of carrots?

He was picking his nose

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A guy walks into a bar and slips on a huge pile of dog shit.

He gets up and goes to the bartender to tell him about the mess. Meanwhile another guy walks into the bar and slips on the same pile of shit.



The first guy walks over and points at the mess and says "I JUST did that"...he woke up a few seconds later with a black eye.

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Two hillbillies are walking through the woods...

They come across a pile of dog shit. One of them says to the other, "I think that's dog shit."

"Does it smell like dog shit?" Asks the second.

The first bends down to smell it, "Yes."

"Does it feel like dog shit?"

The one picks up a piece and sure enough it feels like s...

What do you call a guy with no arms and legs sitting in a pile of leaves?

Russell.

Two Marines walk into a bar in Louisiana...

They see a guy with nice boots. Really nice boots. They ask the guy about them and he says they're alligator boots. They accept this and keep drinking. The Marines leave. The guy with the boots eventually leaves and as he's driving he sees their truck. He stops and looks for them. As he walks into ...

What do you call a lump of cheese that likes milk?

A feta pile!

Did you hear that there’s a table over there with a pile of free cocaine one it?

You better get there quick. It looks like people are already starting to form a line

Tell me your best "guy with no arms and no legs" joke.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs, laying in a pile of leafs?

Russel!

Two Eskimos sitting, paddling along in a kayak, when one felt a little chilly so he made a little pile of sticks and lit a fire in the craft.

His friend shouted at him to put it out, but the warning was ignored.
Unsurprisingly, the kayak sank quite quickly and finding themselves in the (cold) water, the second Eskimo whacked his idiot mate over the head with a now redundant paddle.
"Ouch!!" said the previously warm Eskimo, "what di...

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A fly is sitting alone on a pile of crap. A fly lands next to him and says,

Is this stool taken?

I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9 all piled on top of each other

The odds were stacked against me.

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A Jew, a Christian and a Muslim find a pile of coins

A Jew, a Christian and a Muslim find a pile of coins.

They start arguing what they should take and what they should give to God.

The Christian draws a circle and says, “We throw the coins into he air, and whatever lands in the circle, we keep.”

The Muslim says, “No no no. Whate...

One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the fine weather.

The day was so nice that she became careless and a fox snuck up behind her and caught her.

"I am going to eat you for lunch," said the fox.

"Wait," replied the rabbit, "You should at least wait a few days."

"Oh yeah? Why should I wait?"

"Well, I am just finishing my thesi...

A child psychologist had twin boys—one was an optimist; the other, a pessimist. Just to see what would happen, on Christmas Day he loaded the pessimist’s room with toys and games. In the optimist’s room, he dumped a pile of horse droppings.

That night, the father found the pessimist surrounded by his gifts, crying.

“What’s wrong?” the father asked.

“I have a ton of game manuals to read … I need batteries … and my toys will all eventually get broken!” sobbed the pessimist.

Passing the optimist’s room, the father fou...

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Do you ever look at a pile of shit and think, that was inside of me?

As you can tell, I don’t think of my ex fondly

As a lawyer i work on a huge pile of cases every day

I can't afford a real desk.

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Fred Phelps, leader of Westboro Baptist Church, found dead in home surrounded by piles of partially chewed food. Cause of death: starvation. Next to his body was a note in his own handwriting

"Can't swallow cause that's gay"

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A man came out of a restaurant and found a cop writing a ticket for parking illegally.

So he told the cop "give me a break!"

The cop said "no way."

Then the man told him "you're a jerk!" and kept insulting him while the cop kept writing more and more tickets.

People started gathering around the car. One of them told the man "aren't you concerned about this pile of...

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NSFW In honor of my Father, his favorite joke of all time. No one could tell it like he did.

Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus.

Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I...

The children were lined up in the cafeteria at a Catholic elementary school for lunch...

At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note and posted it on the apple tray: "Take only one.God is watching."Moving further along the lunch line,at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note:"Take all you want. God i...

Three friends are exploring an abandoned theme park when they come across a mysterious water slide.

At the top of the slide is a sign that reads ‘As you descend, shout out your wish and it shall be granted’.

The first friend goes down the slide and shouts ‘I WANT LOADS OF GOLD!’, and sure enough at the bottom he lands in a huge pool of gold coins.

The second friend, seeing this, goe...

What does a pile of ceramic make when it falls?

A tile wave.

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Did you hear about the guy who had sex with his sister in a pile of lemon peels?

It was in zest

What do you call a legless, armless amputee wiggling around in a pile of leaves?

Russell.

When you get new tires and accidentally drive over a pile of nails the next day..

The struggle is wheel.

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A man wakes up in a hospital, bandaged from head to foot

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and the paramedics couldn't find it.”...

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Five Minute Management Lesson

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob ...

What do you call that day when you finally do all the chores and work you've let pile up?

Tomorrow

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Cop: So when did you notice your wife was dead?

Man: Well, the sex was still the same but the dishes started to pile up

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Two cowboys, Bill and Jim, are riding out when they see a pile of horseshit on the ground

"I bet you ten bucks you can't eat that pile of horseshit, Jim", says Bill, being a joking kind of a guy.

However Jim, being helluva tough guy, answers the bet and eats the pile of shit. Bill reluctantly give him the well-earned $10.

Still, Jim is somewhat upset after eating a pile of ...

(long) a blind joke.

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there." A little confused, ...

I told Sean Connery about how I was crushed by a pile of books.

He said 'you've only got your shelf to blame'.

What is the difference between an old light bulb and a pile of salt?

One is an incandescent.
The other is Incan dessicant

A man is cleaning out his house and finds a pile of old New York Post papers.

He decides he doesn't have any use for them, and goes to the local recycling center to dispose of them.

He sees the first recycling bin, marked "Glass". The man says, "No, this won't do. I need a different bin."

He sees the second recycling bin, marked "Plastic". The man says, "No, thi...

We had a job opening with 60 applicants. I threw the top half of the pile of resumes away without looking at them. My colleague asked why I did that.

I replied, "I do not want unlucky people working for me."

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A lieutenant was walking down the road when he saw a boy playing with a pile of shit...

He walks up to the boy and asks, "What are you doing with that pile of shit?" The boy replies "Im building an NCO."

The lieutenant thought it was hilarious and goes and gets his captain to show him. The captain asks the kid "Why are you playing with that pile of shit." Again, the boy replies...

As I shake the 8 ball I ask it, "Is the party tonight going to be amazing?"

8 Ball: "I'm a pile of cocaine what the hell do you think? "

The genie of the lamp

A hipster goes to an antique market where he spots a cool looking brass lamp. It's only $20, so he buys and takes it home.
He spots a black mark on the side so he gets out the brass polish and rubs it to remove the mark. There's a flash and this giant Middle Eastern dude appeares in his lounge. "...

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A German, a Frenchman, and a Irishman walk into a pub.

The pub was known for being a wee bit of a dive. Dirty, poor service, but the three men were poor and the drinks were always cheap. They welcomed themselves into the pub and sat at the bar.

Notoriously, the service was poor. The barkeep chatted with other bar patrons for a good long while bef...

What do you call a one legged man in a pile of leaves?

Russel. What do you call a one legged woman? Ilene. What do you call a dog with no legs? Anything you want cause he ain't going anywhere.

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Fell into a pile of my wife's bra's and couldn't get out.

It was a booby trap.

Jim and Steve are die-hard capitalists...

They go for a stroll together through a cow pasture, and Jim tells Steve that he will give him $20,000 to eat a pile of cow flop. Steve considers the suggestion, says what the heck, and eats a pile. Jim, laughing, gives him the money, and they continue on their merry way.

After a few minutes,...

My wife screeched at me, "What's this pile of clothes doing on the floor!?"

I whispered, "It's a dead Jedi!"

What did a pile of sand say to another in sahara

Long time no sea

A man and a pile of mud begin to race...

The mud won by a landslide.

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[NSFW] [Long] Three men are stranded in the middle of the desert. Each one of them is starving, thirsty, and desperate to get home...

As they trudge through the endless desert, one of them spots a small cottage in the distance with scrap metal and junk all around it. He told the others and they all thought it was just a mirage. But as they drew near the cottage, they learned that it was very real.

They all get excited. C...

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It's very cold one night...

A little bird is sitting in a tree trying to get some sleep but overnight it gets very cold and the little bird freezes. Unable to use his wings, he drops out of the tree and falls to the ground below.



A nearby cow hears the thud and wanders over to investigate. Seeing the frozen ...

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Parking tickets

My father and I went shopping. When we got out of the shop, a policeman was writing a parking ticket. My father told, "Come on, cut some slack here, we just went out for a few minutes." Policeman didn't seem to care and continued his business.

So my father called him a dumbass. So now police...

The armed grenade was under a pile of chick peas, tahini and olive oil.

Captain Smith threw himself on top of it to save his men from the inevitable explosion.

His medal for bravery was awarded post-hummusly

A father puts a gold watch in one son's stocking and a pile of manure in the other son's...

The first son brings the watch to his father and with a worried face says, "dad I'm not sure what to do with this watch, it's fragile, and small, and I don't really wear watches. I don't like it."


The father wasn't surprised by his son's reaction because he typically has a poor perspecti...

Why were Gandhi's remains compressed to make piles of 50 rupee coins?

he said "be the change you wish to see in the world".

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A cannibal is crying next to a pile of shit.

"What's wrong?", another asks.

"I just dumped my girlfriend", he sobs in reply.

A man enters the confessional.

."Bless me Father, for I have sinned. There was a pile of lumber in a vacant lot. It had been there for weeks. I helped myself." The Priest says, "Stealing is a mortal sin, my son. Say 3 Hail Marys, 2 Our Fathers, and return the lumber." Next Sunday the man goes into the confessional. ...

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Three women were walking in the woods

When they came upon a pile of fresh bear crap. One woman looks down and says:

"Looks like bear crap"

The second woman bends down and smells it:

"Smells like bear crap"

The third one, a blonde, scoops up a little on her finger and tastes it:

"It tastes like bear cr...

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