A lawyer was working in his office when Satan appeared. "I can make it so you win every case in your career and make huge piles of money. In exchange you will give me your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, your parent's souls, your grandparent's souls and the souls of all your friends!"

The lawyer thought it over for a moment and then asked, "What's the catch?"

What do you call a pile of kittens?

A meowntain!

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Two economists are walking down the street and they come upon a massive pile of horse shit

Two economists are walking down the street and they come upon a massive pile of horse shit. One says to the other "I'll give you $20,000 if you eat that shit" so he does, and collects his money. They walk a while longer and come upon another pile of horse shit. The shit eater, wanting to get even, t...

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs laying in a pile of leaves?

Russell

I played hide seek as a kid and the ultimate winner hid so good we never found him. Years later they found him under a pile of dirt

Turns out He won by a landslide

Officer: the victim was sacrificed on a pile of antlers, dear god.

Detective: Most likely, yes.

What do you call a rooster staring at a pile of lettuce?

A chicken sees a salad.

A man sees a boy at the park eating an apple and seperating all of the apple seeds into a pile of individual seeds. The curious man walks up to the boy and asks..

Man: hi there, why are you seperating all of the apple seeds?

Boy:it's been proven that apple seeds will make you incredibly smarter, so I intend to sell these.

Man: how much?

Boy: $100 per seed

Man: fine, i'll take three

The man pays the boy, eats the seeds and st...

A guy was storing all the facial hair since he was young and had created a huge pile.

When his wife told him to get rid of it, he said "no, it's a must stash".

A Saudi Prince wants to buy a bull, so he goes to see a famous Russian bovine breeder.

The Russian tells him, "I have many good animal. Here is Swedish bull, is born black color, but color turns white when grows."

"Over there is American bull. Color when born is red, but become dark brown when full grown."

"And here, Turkish bull. They is born dark brown, but grow up to ...

Ever tried to pick up a pile of books?

It's pretty heavy reading

A woman has a failing marriage, and she feels bad about it.

Her husband won't listen to her or acknowledge her, or anything. All he does is sit on the couch watching football and waiting for meals. The woman decides to go to the pet store to find a pet.

At the store, she sees all sorts of animals, such as fish, dogs, cats, parrots, and even a horse. S...

Many of my friends worry about little piles of rocks they have stashed all over the planet, but not me...

...I don't have a cairn in the world.

An old man is sitting with his wife on her death-bed. He asks her about the box containing three eggs and large pile of cash hidden under the bed.

"I'm ashamed to tell you that the contents of this box represents my infidelity to you." she admits with a guilty look. "Every time I went with another man, I'd place one of our chickens' eggs in the carton."

"Well Dear, don't feel bad. I suppose three times in fifty years is no big deal."...

How much does a pile of bones weigh?





It must weigh a skele-ton!

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Eve the beautiful fairy had the power to bring life to the world with her poop.

She had been wandering the forest near the king's palace for a good spot to take a nice dump, and she found one in a nice shapely pile of leaves. Once finished, she noticed the dead flowers around her bloom as if it were spring. Unbeknowst to our favourite fairy Eve, the poop itself came to life in ...

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Moshe wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay. You’ll walk again and everything; however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

Moshe ...

Did you hear about the French man who fell off his roof onto a pile of bread?

He survived, but was in a lot of pain.

(Le pain means bread in French)

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There is a factory that makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.

The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.   Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.   The next day at 8:45 is there is a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new E...

What do you call a pile of coins in the rain?

Climate change

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Joe wanted to buy a motorbike

but he doesn't have much luck until one day, he comes across a Honda road bike with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in...

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An older man fancied a young women he met.

The gentleman met the women and tried every trick in the book to get her to sleep with him, except the direct approach as she was so young and he was so married.

After some time she suddnly asked him "Are you trying to get me into bed?". Before the man could response she said "I would be hap...

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Obese kid

An elderly man was out for a leisurely walk in the park one day, when he came upon a morbidly obese kid sitting on a park bench.

The kid was steadily shoveling candy in his mouth and washing it down with soda. There was a huge pile of candy wrappers on the ground around him.

The old ...

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A wife asks her husband to buy a guard dog for their house.

The husband goes to the pet store and asks the clerk for a guard dog.

"I'm sorry," says the clerk. "We're all out of guard dogs. But we do have a guard cat."

"A guard cat?" says the confused husband.

"Yes," replies the clerk. "Allow me to explain." He puts a carpet on the floor ...

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A tractor joke

There once was a man who loved tractors, I mean he absolutely LOVED them. He had tractor models, tractor wallpaper, remote control miniature tractors, tractor board games, even some tractor porn(which is not easy to find mind you). The only thing that even came close to his love for tractors, was th...

A farm worker greets Josef Stalin at his potato farm.

“Comrade Stalin, we have so many potatoes that, piled one on top of the other, they would reach all the way to God,” the farmer excitedly tells his leader.

“But God does not exist,” replies Stalin.

“Exactly,” says the farmer. “Neither do the potatoes.”

My friend was recently crushed to death under a huge pile of books.

He's got only his shelf to blame

There's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle....

Always wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping around, answering ads in the newspaper, and not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a "For sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquiries about it with the owner "Th...

Grocery Shopping

Fred and Brenda go to the local supermarket and as they're looking around Fred sees a massive pile of lager cans with the sign '12 for a tenner' on it. He rushes over and adds a twelve pack to their trolley.

'oh no you don't. We can't afford that. Put em back' says Brenda

'But it's 12 ...

Did you know all the web addresses are piled together in Russia?

They're callrd the Url mountains

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So a couple months back, I was invited to a costume party. I decided to go dressed as a pile of human excrement.

Needless to say, I was the shit that night

"We're used to sharing everything"

An elderly man placed an order for one hamburger, french fries, and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing the other half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles, and neatly placed one pile in ...

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An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese man are hired at a construction site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the large, muscular, Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling."

To the slightly less muscular but still large Italian man, he says, "You're in charge of sweeping."

And to the skinny Chinese man he says, "You're in charge of...

Age brings wisdom

A cruel pet owner abandons his old dog in the deepest jungles of Africa. Wandering around, the poor old dog notices a leopard coming rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

Just then, the old dog noticed some bones laying on the ground close by. 
The dog immediately se...

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A man who has an interest in painters and their works has a child.

A man who has an interest in painters and their works has a child. A boy, who grows to have his father's passion for art. One day when the boy is coming of age they have a big argument and the young man leaves his father's house to go out on his own. He is gone for many years.

During tha...

A young man arrives at a logging camp in northern Canada

He is there for the next nine months. The foreman shows him around, where he will eat, where he will sleep, the bathroom, etc... the young man asks half jokingly “What do ya’ll do when you get the urges? Ya know, there aren’t any women here...” the foreman smiles and points at a large barrel sitting...

Three men are lost in the southwestern U.S. when they see a strange figure near a cliff.

They approach the figure and he introduces himself. “I am the magical genie of Arizona. When you go over this cliff, say something you desire. I will summon it for you to land on at the bottom of the cliff.” The men are a little uncertain.

The first one peers over the edge of the cliff and f...

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An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests...

The last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he figured that the latest episode was just that, so he stayed put.

Suddenly, however, he filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rationa...

Two newspaper bosses are sent into a huge bank vault and find it stacked to the ceiling with piles of 24-karat bars. They can keep them for good, but only if they are able to diffuse a bomb first...

Editor 1: Thanks for the gold.

Editor 2: This blew up.

What the difference between a Lamborghini and a pile of dead bodies.

There isn’t a Lamborghini in my garage.

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A Joke About A Ranch

An amatuer rancher has 3 chickens, 2 hens, 5 cows, 2 bulls, 4 sheep, and 6 buffalo.

One day, him and his ranch hand went to the market to get ranch supplies, but they left their back door wide open.

When they got back, they walked inside and found a huge mess.

The furniture was ...

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(Censored version so it doesn’t get taken down again) Three men climb to the top of a tall mountain

Suddenly, it begins raining, therefore the three men won’t be able to get back down safely until the rain stops. Suddenly, a genie appears and informs the men that if they name an object, they will be able to jump off the mountain and land on that object. “Pillows,” says the first man. The man then ...

A wizard turned my cat into a pile of Indian spice!

Oh lawd, he cumin!

Woman driving down the freeway topless, causes a multi-car pile-up.

Tomorrow's newspaper headline;

Bears 2, Rams 7

What do you call a religious pile of hay?

A Christian bale.

Me and my partner were doing some spring cleaning

All the chores had piled up over winter. There was so many tasks to complete so we decided to split them up. She told me to do the living room and bedroom because there was more to do there and she would take the kitchen.
I said "man.. I got 99 problems but a dish ain't one"

What does a fat white woman and a pile of bricks have in common?

Sooner or later they will both get laid by a Mexican.

I hate it when British people talk about the big pile of trash in the ocean.

They shouldn’t talk about their country like that.

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A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the...

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6 Life Lessons

6 life lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, ...

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Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of...

Today at the butchers I fell into a pile of animal guts.

It was offal!

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Two economists are walking through the woods and walk past a pile of bear shit.

The First Economist says to the Second Economist, "I'll pay you $100 to eat that pile of bear shit". The Second economist does and they continue their walk. They walk past another pile of bear shit and the Second Economist says to the First Economist, "I'll pay you $100 to eat that pile of bear shit...

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A Jew, a Christian and a Muslim find a pile of coins

A Jew, a Christian and a Muslim find a pile of coins.

They start arguing what they should take and what they should give to God.

The Christian draws a circle and says, “We throw the coins into he air, and whatever lands in the circle, we keep.”

The Muslim says, “No no no. Whate...

A child psychologist had twin boys—one was an optimist; the other, a pessimist. Just to see what would happen, on Christmas Day he loaded the pessimist’s room with toys and games. In the optimist’s room, he dumped a pile of horse droppings.

That night, the father found the pessimist surrounded by his gifts, crying.

“What’s wrong?” the father asked.

“I have a ton of game manuals to read … I need batteries … and my toys will all eventually get broken!” sobbed the pessimist.

Passing the optimist’s room, the father fou...

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I still keep in touch with my ex We give each other presents on the day we broke up. Last year she gave me a pile of shit. This year I'm giving her a car

She'll never know what hit her

There was a pile up on Spaghetti Junction today.

Reports say that 4 people were injured and 3 pasta way.

I couldn't find any publishers for my autobiography, so I invested a whole pile of my own money and got 10,000 copies printed. I'm yet to sell even one copy.

Story of my life.

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What do you call a person with no arms and no legs...

At your front door? Matt.

Under a pile of leaves? Russell.

In your mailbox? Bill.

Hanging on a wall? Art.

In the middle of the ocean? Fucked. (Also Bob).

A Scotsman, an Irishman, and an Englishman...

A Scotsman, an Irishman, and an Englishman are each sentenced to a year in solitary confinement; before being locked away, each is to be granted a year's supply of whatever he wants to help him get through the long, long spell alone.

The Scotsman asks for a year's supply of whiskey; it's give...

I came into a pile of cash when my grandmother died.

Weird fetishes help me deal with grief.

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It was the first Christmas and the first of the three wise men slowly approached the stable and gingerly crossed over the threshold into a big pile of horse crap...

Looking down at his gold slippers he let out a shriek---" Je-sus Christ!"

The woman at the manger turned to her companion and said,"Joseph,that's a better name for the kid than Irving."

Sean Connery was recently injured by a pile of books that fell on him.

When asked about the incident, he responded, “I had nobody but my shelf to blame.”

I woke up this morning to find my patio covered in little brown squishy piles surrounded by little frog-like footprints.

I think they must be toad stools.

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A fly is sitting alone on a pile of crap. A fly lands next to him and says,

Is this stool taken?

Today my 10 year old daughter referred to the pile of dirty laundry that my wife is doing as.

Mount Wash More.

My wife said childbirth was the worst pain, until I told her how I once landed barefoot on a huge pile of toy bricks.

She didn't have a Lego to stand on.

I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9 all piled on top of each other

The odds were stacked against me.

Whenever I receive a large number of resumes for a job posting, I seperate them into two piles...

Then I throw one of the piles in the garbage. I don't want to risk hiring someone unlucky.

A man is cleaning out his house and finds a pile of old New York Post papers.

He decides he doesn't have any use for them, and goes to the local recycling center to dispose of them.

He sees the first recycling bin, marked "Glass". The man says, "No, this won't do. I need a different bin."

He sees the second recycling bin, marked "Plastic". The man says, "No, thi...

What do you call that day when you finally do all the chores and work you've let pile up?

Tomorrow

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Saw a guy betting anyone $50 to see if he could fire a bullet into a pile of cow dung 30 yards away.

I thought to myself, “that’s kind of a crapshoot.”

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"Oh, no!" he gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him.

Never in his 40 years of life had he seen anything like it. How anyone could have survived he did not know. He could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 12-year-old son. Only the slim hope of finding Danny kept him from turning and fleeing the scene.

...

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Do you ever look at a pile of shit and think, that was inside of me?

As you can tell, I don’t think of my ex fondly

I told Sean Connery about how I was crushed by a pile of books.

He said 'you've only got your shelf to blame'.

My friend Tom was breaking into a mall from the roof while Aiden was keeping watch. Aiden slipped and fell through a skylight into a large pile of sheets and pillow cases...

Now he's Aiden in bedding

Why did the safety manager avoid the pile of LSD in the middle of the floor?

He felt it was a tripping hazard.

Did you hear that there’s a table over there with a pile of free cocaine one it?

You better get there quick. It looks like people are already starting to form a line

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Did you hear about the guy who had sex with his sister in a pile of lemon peels?

It was in zest

As a lawyer i work on a huge pile of cases every day

I can't afford a real desk.

We had a job opening with 60 applicants. I threw the top half of the pile of resumes away without looking at them. My colleague asked why I did that.

I replied, "I do not want unlucky people working for me."

Another talking frog

A man takes the day off work and decides to play golf. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to swing when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.

"Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog ...

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