UPJOKE
fruitberrypeachraspberrycitruscranberrypearpineappleapricotguavamangoavocadoice creampumpkinbanana

What do you call a microscopic strawberry?

A strawbarely.

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A man goes to the doctor with a strawberry stuck in his anus

the doctor: "ah, I have some cream for that."

I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.

# So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom.

I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all th...

I have a strawberry growing out of my ear...

I went to see my doctor about it, and he told me to put some cream on it.

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A dumb kid walks into an ice cream shop…

Kid: I’ll have a scoop of vanilla and a scoop of chocolate please.”

Worker: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate

Kid: Ok, make it a scoop of raspberry and a scoop of chocolate

Worker: Listen kid, can you spell the VAN in vanilla?

Kid: Sure. V-A-N

Worker: Can you spell t...

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Newlyweds were 69ing like crazy

When the door bell rang. The husband jumped up, not expecting company. He looks out the window and says, "shit, it's the mailman." His wife (who's on their period) just looks at him. He stares at her and says "look at my face, I can't go down there." She calmly replies, "just tell him you had a...

Teen drinking story

As a teen I stayed over a friend's house one weekend. We thought we were far to young and clever to get caught raiding the liquor cabinet. I made a bit of a distraction asking for food while he opened the cabinet and grabbed the biggest bottle. We got snuck the bottle back to his room. We each had a...

Why was the baby strawberry crying?

Her mom was in a jam

I made strawberry preserves today.

It was a jarring experience.

The vegetarian did not like the new strawberry jelly...

It just wasn’t his jam

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Chocolate

An older woman is going to the ice cream parlor to order gallons of ice cream for her self. When she arrives, the man at the counter greets her and asks her what ice cream she would like.

So she asks "I would like a gallon of vanilla, strawberry, sherbert, and Chocolate."

The gentlema...

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A boy walks into his class late, and the teacher asks

"Why are you late?"
The boy replies with "I was on top of Strawberry Hill."
and sits down in his seat.

A minute later, another boy walks into the class.
"Why are you late?" asks the teacher.
"I was on top of Strawberry Hill." the boy replies and sits down.

Another boy wal...

I left my house and noticed the door wouldn't close because it kept hitting a container of strawberry jam

Guess you could say the door was held ajar

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A genie grants a man one wish

"Budget cuts" said the Genie.
The man knew he had to make it count.
He said, "I wish I knew the answer to every question I'm asked."
The genie gave a nod then disappeared into a cloud of smoke.

The man didn't want to immediately melt his mind with the answers to the universe. Startin...

Why couldn’t the strawberry shoot it’s gun?

Because it was jammed

A lady walks into an ice cream shop. "Can I get a chocolate scoop on a cone?" she asks.

"Sorry, ma'am, but we're out of chocolate ice cream," says the man behind the counter.
"Oh, well then can I get a chocolate sundae?" she asks.
"We're out of chocolate," he repeats.
"Well, how about a chocolate milkshake?"
The man is frustrated at this point and decides to teach h...

What happened when the strawberry attempted to cross the road?

There was a traffic jam

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What do you call a red-headed guy who's a very good prostitute and chef?

Strawberry Pound Cake

A woman goes to the doctor, and says "I've got a strawberry stuck in my ass".

The doctor says "I can give you some cream for that".

Where does Strawberry milk come from anyway?

To the best of my knowledge, Strawberries do not have nipples.

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A woman walks into an icecream shop

W: Hi! May I get two scoops of chocolate please?

M: I'm sorry, ma'am. We are currently out of chocolate.

W: What a shame. Well, then could I have a scoop of strawberry, a scoop of vanilla annnnd... A scoop of chocolate please?

M: Ma'am, I will be happy to get you strawberry and ...

How does an elephant hide in a strawberry patch?

He paints his toenails red (duh). Have you ever seen an elephant in a strawberry patch?!?

Why won't a truffle and a portobello mushroom take strawberry to the bar?

Why won't a truffle and a portobello mushroom take strawberry to the bar?

.

..

...

....

Because strawberry is not fun guy!

What does a strawberry say when it’s robbing a bank?

Hands up, this is a strawbery.

What do you call a crayon that looks like a strawberry?

A cranberry.

They say if you paint an elephant’s toenails red, you won’t see it in a strawberry patch

You are probably thinking, “That’s impossible. Elephants are huge!”

But ask yourself: have I ever seen an elephant in a strawberry patch?

No?

Then it obviously works!

**Courtesy of a little book I read as a child and think is cute

What did one strawberry say to the other strawberry?

If you weren't so sweet and juicy we wouldn't be in this jam.

What's the difference between a strawberry and a pencil?

One's a fruit, you idiot.

Why did the little strawberry cry?

Because her mother was in a jam.

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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

A man goes to a bakery

He tells the baker that he needs a cake, but doesn’t know what flavor.

The baker offers to let the man try all of his cake flavors.

The man tries chocolate, strawberry, lemon, raspberry, German chocolate, vanilla, blueberry, red velvet, carrot, and marble.

After finishing the l...

How do you make a strawberry shake?

You put it in the freezer!

Orange, apple, strawberry...

April foods!

funny questions & answer

1.Why did the cookie go to the hospital?

Ans - Because he felt crummy.



2 Why was the baby strawberry crying?

Ans - Because her mom and dad were in a jam.



3.What did the little corn say to the mama corn?

Ans - Where is pop corn?



4. How...

Who do you hang out with, a strawberry, a celery stick or a mushroom?

The mushroom because he's a fungi.

As a mcdonald's worker I get a lot of idiots going through drive through

As is common for mcdonalds the ice cream machine was down
a customer came in and asked for a strawberry shake, I told him the ice cream machine was down

he then asked for a fudge Sundae, I again told him the ice cream machine was down

next he asked for a vanilla cone, I told him the...

Today is the Dali Lamas 82nd birthday but he couldn't decide if he wanted a vanilla, chocolate, or strawberry birthday cake...

...so he decided to be made one with everything.

I was the pianist in a piano bar

Customer walks up to me and asks “Can you play Strawberry Fields Forever?”

“No, after a few hours my fingers get tired”

An 18-wheeler spilled a load of strawberry preserves on the interstate today

It was a real traffic jam

homophobic strawberry

A strawberry walks up to his friend the eggplant and asks him what he thinks of the tomato. The eggplant answers "I don't know, he seems like an alright guy. Why? What do you think of him?" The strawberry answers "I don't know, man. He seems like kind of a fruit".

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Johnny walked in the the ice cream store

He asked for one scoop of chocolate and one scoop of vanilla.

The man behind the counter says "I'm sorry, but we are all out of chocolate."

So johnny says "hmm, in that case I'll take one scoop of strawberry and one scoop of chocolate."

The man looks at johnny and says " I'm sor...

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Delicious

A husband and wife are sitting around one afternoon. The man is a little bored and horny so he turns to his wife.

“Hey honey want to 69?” He asks.

“Sounds lovely,” she replies “but I’m on my period”

“That’s ok with me.”

They go upstairs and start the act. After a few mi...

A group of moles are hibernating for the winter in a burrow by a small farm on the countryside

One morning, one of the moles pops his head out of the hole.

“I smell maple syrup in the air!” Says the mole, “every start of spring the farmer’s wife cooks pancakes. It’s time for us to leave!”

The mole leaves the burrow. And a second mole sticks his head out.

“He’s onto someth...

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I hear a woman with no legs just won the world strawberry picking competition.

Jammy cunt

My wife is like a delicious strawberry popsicle.

Cold on the inside and 90% artificial.

What is grey and pink,grey and pink?

2 elephants hiding in a strawberry patch

A farmer purchased a new oxen to help plow his field.

The animal hadn’t been well-tamed and the farmer struggled to keep the beast under control. One day, the oxen freaked out and started tearing through the field, dredging up all of the seeds and plants that they had already sewn into the soil. The farmer’s corn and soybean plants were all destroyed. ...

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Berries and Nuts

What you have when you have a sad strawberry?

A blueberry.

What do you have when you have nuts in the wall?

Walnuts.

What do you have when you have nuts on your chest?

Chestnuts.

What do you have when you have nuts on your chin?

A dick in your mouth.

Don't mess with the farmer

It's a Friday, and there are three travelers. They were traveling down the road when it started to storm. They came across a farm. They knocked on the door and a man answered. "Please allow us to stay here for the weekend. We are tired and exhausted." The travelers pleaded. "Okay, fine. I'll let you...

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