Why did princess peach begin to choke?

Because Mario came down the wrong pipe

When you choke a smurf,

what color does it turn?

Don't Choke!

Two Texans were having lunch at their favorite restaurant when they noticed a young woman at the next table having trouble breathing.

One of the Texans got up, walked over to her table, took her face in his big Texan hands and said, "Kin ya swaller?"

She shook her head 'no.' "Kin y...

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You’re in a room with a hundred dicks. How many do you choke on?

“None.”

“Wow, you’re that good?”

I had Indian food for lunch and almost choked on it

Talk about a paneer-death experience

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My wife tried to choke me during sex

Then she went after my girlfriend

It's twenty one years since my father choked to death while eating sushi...

And its still pretty raw....

Remember when Smeagol choked his own cousin to death to get at the One Ring?

Yeah, it was pretty metal.

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Two friends are eating at a pub when a woman next to them begins to choke...

Two friends are eating at a pub when a woman next to them begins to choke. Quickly and without hesitation, one friend quickly lifts up the woman’s dress, bends her over, and licks her right and left butt cheeks. Immediately, she spits out her food enabling her to breath again before slapping him. ...

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My girlfriend asked me to choke her and hit her during sex but it makes me feel guilty.

I’m joining the police academy to learn how to abuse and choke someone without being guilty.

My wife was inhaling popcorn and nearly choked to death on an un-popped kernel.

I almost had to call the popcoroner.

(Real life: my wife really was eating popcorn with no breathing in between and I said “maybe slow down so you don’t choke on that. I don’t want to have to call the pop coroner”, and she abruptly started laughing and, I swear, choked on some (non-fatal). ...

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What gets longer if pulled, fits snugly between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, chokes people when used incorrectly, and works well when jerked?

A seatbelt

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A texas woman chokes on some food.

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks ...

She said "choke me daddy!"

So I gave her two Popeye's biscuits and no drink.

What’s the difference between necrophilia, and choke fetish’s?

Eh, about 15 seconds.

An English woman finds out her husband is cheating on her

She is distraught, fueled by anger - so much so that she decides the only course of action is to have him killed. In her grief, she contacts and old friend who works amongst the criminal underbelly of London. He recommends she seek out a specific hitman, known in the business as Big Artie. He is eff...

I've met a track and field athlete that commonly chokes whenever he runs too fast,

It became a running gag for him.

What does a magician say while he chokes you?

Chocus Pocus

What do you call someone who chokes on their tea?

A cough-y drinker.

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The new monk.

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.



So, the new monk goes to the head ab...

The delivery man only brought part of my bear costume.

I wanted to choke him with my bear hands.

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My wife says she’s leaving cause of my disgusting habits

I almost choked on my fucking toenail!

What's the difference between the hentai I watch during auto-erotic asphyxiation and an artichoke?

Nothing.

One's an art I choke to, and the other's an artichoke too.

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What happens when you choke on a viagra?

You get a stiff neck.

I was choking on a piece of steak one night [this actually happened]

While eating dinner with my family, I started to eat a piece of steak and ended up choking.

I then stood up, with saliva coming out of my mouth, I held my neck and turned red in the face.

I looked over at my parents who were just sitting at the table staring back at me.

I contin...

A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank?

They quickly devised a good plan and they put their plan to action. The brunette drove up to the front of the bank that they had decided to rob. She turned to the blonde and asked her, "Now, do you remember what the plan is?"

The blonde sighed and replied, "Yeah, yeah, I remember..."

T...

Hear about the Frenchman who choked to death eating his morning omelette?

Oeuf.

My girlfriend called me childish the other day

I was so shocked I nearly choked on my alphabetti spaghetti

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A woman is at the hospital in a coma.

The doctor steps into the hall to have a talk with the husband.

Doc: I am so sorry sir, but we have run out of options and will need to pull the plug.

Husband: Please don't doc. I love her. Are you sure there is nothing else you can do?

Doc: At this point, we have tried every ...

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A guy walks into a bar

He has his dog with him. It's an ugly little yellow dog. He sits down at the bar next to a Marine.

The Marine has his dog with him. It's a German Shepherd, and it bristles at the ugly little yellow dog.

The Marine says "Son, you need to get your ugly little yellow dog out of here, or m...

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There's a man who hates his wife

He is reading the newspaper and sees an ad for a hitman named Arti who only costs a dollar! The man calls Arti and tells him that his wife goes to Walmart every Saturday at 10:00 AM. Arti goes to Walmart and waits. Then he sees the man's wife so Arti jumps over and choked her to death. But somebody ...

My friend choked to death while sneezing.

I guess he bit off more than he could achoo.

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[NSFW] My friend, very much a butt lover, choked to death last night under a particularly large one.

Cause of death: ass fixation.

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2 Texas Guys 1 Choking Woman

Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged.

One Texan turned to the other and said “That little gal is havin’ a bad time. I’m gonna go over there and help.”

He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her...

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I was on shift at Popeye's when a woman approached my cash register and whispered in a very sexy raspy voice,"I want you to choke me."

I was locked in her lustful gaze and I replied...

"biscuits with no drink then?"

I found myself at a seedy dive bar last night and after returning from the bathroom, I nearly choked on a shoestring!

I couldn't believe that someone had laced my drink...

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My wife choked to death while sucking my cock.

It was a terrible blow.

Why did the woman choke on a blowpop?

She was lollygagging.

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It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine.

The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake. "Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot - I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of th...

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I've been fucking this girl lately that likes to call me daddy when I choke her.

And I'm like " mom you're making this weird"

Captain John McGrue was one of the most respected explorers

Born in England, he became known for his seafaring skills at a young age. At the age of 20, he heard the legends of the greatest drinks in the world, a quest many explorers had tried, but unfortunately none could complete the trip. McGrue was talked out of it by every friend, until at 28, already an...

I lost my job as a baker when I made a customer violently choke.

It was my manager's fault for telling me to put my hair in a bun.

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Why do some people like being choked during sex?

Because it is breathtakingly good.

[Serious] Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.

A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.

I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well...until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones...and picked the worst possible one to start with.
<...

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An American man walks into a restaurant in Spain and looks at the menu.

He doesn't speak a lick of Spanish, so he defaults to a passing waiter for advice on what to get. "I would recommend the *cojones*," the waiter says. "Our house specialty. The dish is sourced fresh from the bull killed by one of our bullfighters in the ring today."

So the man orders the cojo...

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Great joke, particularly for married people.

The director of the CIA is testing loyalty of 3 new agents, ages 25, 35, and 45.  He puts each of their wives in 1 of 3 rooms.  He hands the 25 year old a gun and says, "go into the room and kill your wife."  The 25 year old says, "I can't do it, I love her too much."  The director hands the gun to ...

Do you know the one about the bride who choked at the altar?

Can't say I do.

Something is wrong with my lawnmower— it only runs when it’s fully choked.

It is officially kinkier than I am!

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A Florida man dies and goes to a waiting area for his final destination.

As he awaits, he spots his best friend within the crowd and cannot believe it. He approaches his buddy and starts a conversation

“Cooch, is that you buddy? Holy shit! It is you! What are you doing here?”

“Hey Willie” says the man with barely any expression on his face.

“What ar...

A leper goes into a diner...

This one time a Leper goes into a diner and settles in a seat at the counter, orders his food and coffee and waits. It's a busy morning so the counter is pretty full of customers.

After his food comes, the leper proceeds to eat, but notices the man to his right look towards him and then retch...

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My girlfriend left me today

She said I was too kinky in the bedroom. I nearly choked on her shit when she told me

NSFW While I was sitting in the bar one night drinking alone

A stunner of a woman walked up to the bar sat down right next to me. A booty to die for and rack that hadn’t fallen yet, I couldn’t help taking a glance at her. She smiled back at me, and not in an unkindly way.

I asked if I could buy her the next drink. She accepted. We started talking. She ...

This morning I choked on water while jogging for the third time this week...

Worst running gag ever.

My girlfriend said "choke me daddy".

On my way to the her funeral right now.

What is the opposite of the choke hold in wrestling?

The Heimlich maneuver

Did you hear about the Italian who choked to death on pasta?

His family was terribly sad that he pasta-way

What do you call a person who sprays deodorant at people and chokes them?

An axe murderer

This was my Laffy taffy joke I choked on it while I read this

What Kind Of Tree Grows In Your Hand?
A palm tree!

I wrote a book about a man that chokes to death on his own fart.

I've called it: "Gone With The Wind".

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Henry Heimlich, inventor of the Heimlich maneuver, was getting frustrated.

Everywhere he went, people pretended they were choking to see what he would do. One day, he visited England. During a banquet with the royal family, the Queen grabbed her throat and bent over. Heimlich ignored her, and she confessed that she was faking. Later, he passed a prince on the street, and t...

I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears..

People just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.

I was sitting on a bus with a friend and he told me this joke...

What do you do if you see an Epileptic having a fit in the bath?

Throw in your laundry.

The guy behind us leaned over and said "I think that's disgusting. My son died in the bath whilst having a fit."

We both went white and apologised. The guy got up to get off and said, "he c...

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