The 54+ Best Choke Jokes

Why did princess peach begin to choke?

Because Mario came down the wrong pipe

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What gets longer if pulled, fits snugly between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, chokes people when used incorrectly, and works well when jerked?

A seatbelt

The City Health inspector walks into a new restaurant unannounced and takes a seat where he can see the kitchen. While he is sitting there, an order goes back for a pizza. The chef appears and the health inspector nearly chokes when he sees that he is not wearing a shirt.

As if the health inspector didn't already have enough fuel for his citation-writing pen, the chef proceeded to grab a lump of pizza dough and press it out flat on his bare chest.
Appalled, the health inspector had barely finished up when an order came back for a hamburger.
The cook proceeded t...

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Never choke in a restaurant in the South

Two hillbillies walked into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talked about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table who is eating a sandwich, began to cough.
After a minute or so, it became apparent that she was in real distress.
One of the hillbillies...

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2 Texas Guys 1 Choking Woman

Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged.

One Texan turned to the other and said “That little gal is havin’ a bad time. I’m gonna go over there and help.”

He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her...

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My girlfriend asked me to choke her and hit her during sex but it makes me feel guilty.

I’m joining the police academy to learn how to abuse and choke someone without being guilty.

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You’re in a room with a hundred dicks. How many do you choke on?

“None.”

“Wow, you’re that good?”

When you choke a smurf,

what color does it turn?

Don't Choke!

Two Texans were having lunch at their favorite restaurant when they noticed a young woman at the next table having trouble breathing.

One of the Texans got up, walked over to her table, took her face in his big Texan hands and said, "Kin ya swaller?"

She shook her head 'no.' "Kin y...

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Two friends are eating at a pub when a woman next to them begins to choke...

Two friends are eating at a pub when a woman next to them begins to choke. Quickly and without hesitation, one friend quickly lifts up the woman’s dress, bends her over, and licks her right and left butt cheeks. Immediately, she spits out her food enabling her to breath again before slapping him. ...

[Serious] Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.

A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.

I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well...until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones...and picked the worst possible one to start with...

I had Indian food for lunch and almost choked on it

Talk about a paneer-death experience

My wife was inhaling popcorn and nearly choked to death on an un-popped kernel.

I almost had to call the popcoroner.

(Real life: my wife really was eating popcorn with no breathing in between and I said “maybe slow down so you don’t choke on that. I don’t want to have to call the pop coroner”, and she abruptly started laughing and, I swear, choked on some (non-fatal). ...

My grandma likes to prank us by pretending to choke on her food

It’s an old gag

What’s the difference between necrophilia, and choke fetish’s?

Eh, about 15 seconds.

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One day in a busy restaurant, a man began to choke on something he had eaten.

Without hesitation, another man jumped up, ran over, pulled the choking man's pants down, and started eating his ass. The choking man was so shocked and disgusted that he started to gag, miraculously expelling the blockage. His life saved, he thanked the other man profusely and asked how he had know...

My last girlfriend choked to death.

It was a terrible blow.

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My wife tried to choke me during sex

Then she went after my girlfriend

Novak Djokovic choked and was knocked out of the Australian Open.

He missed two easy shots.

I found myself at a growler the other night and after returning from the bathroom, I nearly choked on a shoestring!

Someone had laced my drink

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How do you kill a blue Elephant?

With a blue elephant gun obviously.

*How do you kill a red elephant?*

You choke it til it turns blue then use a blue elephant gun.

*How do you kill a green elephant?*

You tickle it til it turns red then choke it til it turns blue then use a blue elephant gun.

*How ...

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A young Geordie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?" The young man answered "Aye, I was a canny salesman back in Newcastle."

The manager liked the Geordie so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK,...... so how many sales did you make today?" The Geordie said "Just the one like" The manager groaned an...

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My coworker came up to me yesterday and said he had a question for me

He asked, “Imagine you walk into a room with 50 naked dudes. How many of their penises would you choke on?”

“What the hell?” I reply “None of them!”

“Oh so you’re a professional?”

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I was on shift at Popeye's when a woman approached my cash register and whispered in a very sexy raspy voice,"I want you to choke me."

I was locked in her lustful gaze and I replied...

"biscuits with no drink then?"

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What happens when you choke on a viagra?

You get a stiff neck.

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I used to have a lovely dog called Minton, until one day I can home and he had choked on a shuttlecock

Bad Minton

I hung my head as I sat in a fetal position on the floor, trying to choke back the tears.

I hung my head as I sat in a fetal position on the floor, trying to choke back the tears.
"Are you okay?" She asked.
I couldn't speak. I'd done some crazy things in my life, but this time I had sunk to a new low. I still shuddered inside at the thought of what had just happened.
"You knew...

It's twenty one years since my father choked to death while eating sushi...

And its still pretty raw....

I've met a track and field athlete that commonly chokes whenever he runs too fast,

It became a running gag for him.

Why did the woman choke on a blowpop?

She was lollygagging.

My friend choked to death while sneezing.

I guess he bit off more than he could achoo.

I lost my job as a baker when I made a customer violently choke.

It was my manager's fault for telling me to put my hair in a bun.

I was choking on a piece of steak one night [this actually happened]

While eating dinner with my family, I started to eat a piece of steak and ended up choking.

I then stood up, with saliva coming out of my mouth, I held my neck and turned red in the face.

I looked over at my parents who were just sitting at the table staring back at me.

I contin...

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Crocodile.

A multi-millionaire, living in Australia, decided to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors... He also invited Brian, the only native Australian in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool, in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time, drinking, ...

What does a magician say while he chokes you?

Chocus Pocus

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[NSFW] My friend, very much a butt lover, choked to death last night under a particularly large one.

Cause of death: ass fixation.

What do you call someone who chokes on their tea?

A cough-y drinker.

A man suddenly appeared at the gates of Hell… (Story Joke)

He looked up to see the Devil sitting at a chair.

“Hello my friend,” The Devil said kindly, “How are you this fine eternity?”

“A bit confused,” the man replied, “I didn’t realise that I was dead.”

“I understand,” the Devil said sympathetically, “Why don’t you tell me how you go...

The german guy choked on his food.

He said "im choking, I'm choking"

The other man said what are you joking about.

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I've been fucking this girl lately that likes to call me daddy when I choke her.

And I'm like " mom you're making this weird"

Hear about the Frenchman who choked to death eating his morning omelette?

Oeuf.

Do you know the one about the bride who choked at the altar?

Can't say I do.

I was sitting on a bus with a friend and he told me this joke...

What do you do if you see an Epileptic having a fit in the bath?

Throw in your laundry.

The guy behind us leaned over and said "I think that's disgusting. My son died in the bath whilst having a fit."

We both went white and apologised. The guy got up to get off and said, "he c...

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If a meat eater likes being choked during sex...then what would a vegetarian like?

Artichoked

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It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine.

The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake. "Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot - I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of th...

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Woman in a coma

Two nurses are giving a woman in a coma a sponge bath. They notice that when they get near her private areas that she starts to get a little stimulated. The theorize that oral sex will bring her out the coma. They go out into the lobby and tell her husband their theory. The husband is a little apreh...

This morning I choked on water while jogging for the third time this week...

Worst running gag ever.

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I was in the pub last night telling my mate the joke about, “What would you do if an epileptic was having a fit in the bath...

...throw the washing in.” However, the bloke on the next table said, “My brother who is epileptic had a fit in the bath and died.” Fuck me. If the ground could have swallowed me up l’d of been happy. I said, “Sorry to hear that, mate. Did he drown?” He said, “No; he choked on a sock.”

I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears..

People just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.

Something is wrong with my lawnmower— it only runs when it’s fully choked.

It is officially kinkier than I am!

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was once woken with a blowjob

almost choked to death

edit: no i did not steal from https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/82n5ww/whats_the_sexiest_thing_your_so_has_done/dvbsy4m
but obviously 2 people can have the same joke (i dont really check actual reddit just other subreds)

This was my Laffy taffy joke I choked on it while I read this

What Kind Of Tree Grows In Your Hand?
A palm tree!

Dave was a cannibal, and a conceited one at that.

So when he was in a bad car accident, the people of his town weren’t very sympathetic. But when they learned that he died, they softened up a bit. “I didn’t know that his injuries were life threatening,” one of his neighbors said. Another replied that they weren’t. “Well then how did he die?” th...

What do you call a person who sprays deodorant at people and chokes them?

An axe murderer

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