She said "choke me daddy!"

So I gave her two Popeye's biscuits and no drink.

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What gets longer when pulled, fits between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, has choked people when used improperly, and works best when jerked?

A seatbelt.

My friend choked to death while sneezing.

I guess he bit off more than he could achoo.

What’s the difference between a choke fetish and necrophilia?

About 5 minutes

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What happens when you choke on a viagra?

You get a stiff neck.

This was my Laffy taffy joke I choked on it while I read this

What Kind Of Tree Grows In Your Hand?
A palm tree!

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Never choke in a restaurant in the South

Two hillbillies walked into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talked about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table who is eating a sandwich, began to cough.
After a minute or so, it became apparent that she was in real distress.
One of the hillbillies...

I was choking on a piece of steak one night [this actually happened]

While eating dinner with my family, I started to eat a piece of steak and ended up choking.

I then stood up, with saliva coming out of my mouth, I held my neck and turned red in the face.

I looked over at my parents who were just sitting at the table staring back at me.

I contin...

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My wife choked to death while sucking my cock.

It was a terrible blow.

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Bill had finally had it with his wife...

During a poker game one night, Bill, about four beers deep, tells his buddies that he’s had it with his wife and has decided to hire someone to kill her for $1,000

The other guys laugh, assuming that he’s joking, and Larry says “Shit, my buddy Artie just got out of prison and he’s the meanest...

Why did Princess Peach choke?

Because Mario went down the wrong pipe

What do you call a person who sprays deodorant at people and chokes them?

An axe murderer

Something is wrong with my lawnmower— it only runs when it’s fully choked.

It is officially kinkier than I am!

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What is the difference between Mount Everest and a giant cock?

Whether you choke when reaching the top or the base

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I was on shift at Popeye's when a woman approached my cash register and whispered in a very sexy raspy voice,"I want you to choke me."

I was locked in her lustful gaze and I replied...

"biscuits with no drink then?"

I found myself at a seedy dive bar last night and after returning from the bathroom, I nearly choked on a shoestring!

I couldn't believe that someone had laced my drink...

[Serious] Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.

A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.

I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well...until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones...and picked the worst possible one to start with.
<...

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It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine.

The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake. "Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot - I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of th...

Why can’t the Minnesota Vikings eat cereal for breakfast?

They choke when they get too close to a bowl.

Golden State Warriors "No one can choke harder than we did."

Atlanta Falcons "Hold my beer."

I was sitting on a bus with a friend and he told me this joke...

What do you do if you see an Epileptic having a fit in the bath?

Throw in your laundry.

The guy behind us leaned over and said "I think that's disgusting. My son died in the bath whilst having a fit."

We both went white and apologised. The guy got up to get off and said, "he c...

Do you know the one about the bride who choked at the altar?

Can't say I do.

What do you call someone who chokes on a blow pop?

A lollygagger!

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Why do some people like being choked during sex?

Because it is breathtakingly good.

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Henry Heimlich, the creator of the Heimlich maneuver, was getting frustrated.

Everywhere he went, people pretended they were choking to see what he would do. One day, he visited England. During a banquet with the royal family, the Queen grabbed her throat and bent over. Heimlich ignored her, and she confessed that she was faking. Later, he passed a prince on the street, and t...

I hate math tests

I choke and forget formulas because im 2^2

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2 Texas Guys 1 Choking Woman

Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged.

One Texan turned to the other and said “That little gal is havin’ a bad time. I’m gonna go over there and help.”

He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her...

Why did the woman choke on a blowpop?

She was lollygagging.

A boy has a question about God

Sorry if this has been posted before. I just heard it and I’ve never seen it on here before.

There was a boy that had a question about God. He goes to his local priest to see if he has an answer. The boy presents the question and the priest is completely at a loss of words. The question is s...

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Son: Hey, dad. I'm gay. I really wanted tell you this a long time ago, but I couldn't muster up the courage. What do you want to say about it?

Dad chokes. A tear rolls down his eye. With his heart brimming, he hugs his son tight and whispers into his ear.




"Hi gay, I'm dad"

Better luck next time

My birthday’s coming up, and it’s just surreal to think that it was almost 28 years ago I could’ve choked on my umbilical cord if I’d just put a few more points into my Luck attribute.

How did arti die?

Arti choked



I'm so sorry

An American, An Englishman and a Canadian were walking through a jungle said to be infested with cannibals...

Immediately they are ambushed by a group of cannibals and taken to the cannibal leader.

The leader feels sorry for them and tells them that he will let them go if they pick up any fruit within a 3 mile radius, get it back to the cannibal camp and manage to swallow it without making any facial...

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I've been fucking this girl lately that likes to call me daddy when I choke her.

And I'm like " mom you're making this weird"

This morning I choked on water while jogging for the third time this week...

Worst running gag ever.

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My first OC joke. (Long)

A man walks into an antique shop. He approaches the female cashier and
asks, “Is this your store?”

She nods her head, “My parents owned it for a few decades, I had since inherited it.”

The man then asks her, “Would you like to see a magic trick?”

The woman, barley amused, dec...

What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

She didn’t, she choked.

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A man wants to kill his wife

So he makes some discreet enquiries, and learns of a hitman who goes only by the name of Arthur. He contacts him, and they agree on a price of £1, which is paid up front. The man tells Arthur that his wife shops at Tesco on Saturday mornings.
That Saturday, Arthur goes to the Tesco, sees his mar...

What is the opposite of the choke hold in wrestling?

The Heimlich maneuver

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A multi-millionaire living in Darwin, Australia, decided to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours.

He also invited Brian, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns and oysters from the barbecue, and flirting.

Then at the height of the party, the millionai...

I lost my job as a baker when I made a customer violently choke.

It was my manager's fault for telling me to put my hair in a bun.

Last night at dinner I thought I saw my father starting to gag.

Turns out it was just another dad choke.

My girlfriend said "choke me daddy".

On my way to the her funeral right now.

Did you hear about the Italian who choked to death on pasta?

His family was terribly sad that he pasta-way

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Purple Vein

Disclaimer skipping to the end will ruin the joke, but it is best said in person to a group of people. Enjoy!


One morning a young boy was walking to class when three older girls approached the boy and said well aren't you just a "purple vein". The boy asked but the girls giggled as they...

My girlfriend died and I had to break the news to everyone.

The most difficult person to tell was my former best friend, because every time I mention his mother he tries to choke me.

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in Grade 3.

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Princip...

"Your kitten killed our Rottweiler."

"I'm sorry?"

"I said your kitten killed our Rottweiler!"

"My cute little kitten? I can't believe it. How?"

"He choked on it."

I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears..

People just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.

A couple...

A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping centre was packed and as the wife walked around she discover that her husband was nowhere to be seen.

She was quite upset because they had a lot to do, and hence she became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where ...

I wrote a book about a man that chokes to death on his own fart.

I've called it: "Gone With The Wind".

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An old man’s wife had a stroke and she was in the hospital

The doctor told him that when the nurses were washing her genital area she seemed to respond. The doctor suggested the man try oral sex and see if she improves. The man was surprised but wanted to help his wife. Later that day, he closed the door and did what the doctor suggested. His wife flatlined...

Saint Peter takes a lunch break

Saint Peter is at the gates of Heaven. He's been standing all morning and needed a lunch break.

He sees Jesus walking by and stops him.

"Jesus, thank goodness you're here. I have a favor to ask. Can you watch the gate while I have lunch?"

Jesus, ecstatic at the chance to help sa...

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A Redditor became a chemist

And decided to seek his fortune making breath mints.




He made one set of mints that were saturated in caffeine. It made him a significant amount of money but people complained about being a little too agitated by them.




He followed up with a heavily alcoholic var...

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Did you hear about the woman in a coma?

Day 1. So there's a woman in hospital in a coma, the nurse is giving her the daily flannel wash. She cleans the lady down as per usual until she got to her lady parts, she notices the woman's finger twitch as she cleans.

Day 2. The nurse is giving the lady in coma her wash again when a simila...

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A woman was in a coma

and she had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognisable movement.

They w...

My Viagara got caught in my throat and I choked...

And now I've got a stiff neck.

Hey, did you hear about the blonde girl who choked on a piece of plastic?

She said that mannequin was one smooth talker.

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Jack's wife was in a terrible car accident and is in intensive care.

Jack runs to the hospital, where the doctor tells him, " Research has shown that oral sex will speed a patient's recovery. I strongly urge that you do it."

"You mean-" Jack wonders.

"Yes. I'll instruct the nurses to leave you and your wife alone for the next hour."

Ten minutes l...

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(NSFW) So my girlfriend is crazy horny

And we went out to a restaurant. They brought mints with the check. That gave her the idea that I should have mints instead of pineapple juice, so my cum would taste minty, and my cum would be her end of a meal mints. So I started eating all sorts of mints for a few weeks.

One day we're ge...

Choking Hazard.

Jim: I once saw a man choke to death right in front of my very eyes.


Nancy: God that must have been awful, did you try to save him with the Heimlich manoeuvre?


Jim: I couldn't at the time, my hands were wrapped tightly around his throat.

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A blues club is holding a competition for the best blues performer.

Plenty of musicians show up, but among them is this one grizzled old bluesman. It's his turn to go on stage, so he sits on the piano and goes:

- This song is called: "I Will Slap You With My Dick All Night"

And he breaks out into a beautiful blues tune, after which half of the other mu...

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A lady and her 7 year old son..

A lady and her 7-year-old son are eating in a restaurant.

In a moment of playfulness, the boy swallows a coin and chokes. The mother tries slapping his back, rubbing his neck, shaking him hard and everything she could think of, without success.

The boy begins to turn blue. The desper...

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