It's twenty one years since my father choked to death while eating sushi...

And its still pretty raw....

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You’re in a room with a hundred dicks. How many do you choke on?

“None.”

“Wow, you’re that good?”

Why did Princess Peach choke?

Mario came down the wrong pipe.

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My wife tried to choke me during sex

Then she went after my girlfriend

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A texas woman chokes on some food.

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks ...

Remember when Smeagol choked his own cousin to death to get at the One Ring?

Yeah, it was pretty metal.

I had Indian food for lunch and almost choked on it

Talk about a paneer-death experience

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Two friends are eating at a pub when a woman next to them begins to choke...

Two friends are eating at a pub when a woman next to them begins to choke. Quickly and without hesitation, one friend quickly lifts up the woman’s dress, bends her over, and licks her right and left butt cheeks. Immediately, she spits out her food enabling her to breath again before slapping him. ...

I've met a track and field athlete that commonly chokes whenever he runs too fast,

It became a running gag for him.

My wife was inhaling popcorn and nearly choked to death on an un-popped kernel.

I almost had to call the popcoroner.

(Real life: my wife really was eating popcorn with no breathing in between and I said “maybe slow down so you don’t choke on that. I don’t want to have to call the pop coroner”, and she abruptly started laughing and, I swear, choked on some (non-fatal). ...

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My girlfriend asked me to choke her and hit her during sex but it makes me feel guilty.

I’m joining the police academy to learn how to abuse and choke someone without being guilty.

When you choke a smurf

What colour does it turn?

She said "choke me daddy!"

So I gave her two Popeye's biscuits and no drink.

My grandfather choked to death on a piece of chicken pot pie he brought home from the restaurant

Ah well, it was his thyme to-go

What does a magician say while he chokes you?

Chocus Pocus

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A woman is at the hospital in a coma.

The doctor steps into the hall to have a talk with the husband.

Doc: I am so sorry sir, but we have run out of options and will need to pull the plug.

Husband: Please don't doc. I love her. Are you sure there is nothing else you can do?

Doc: At this point, we have tried every ...

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What gets longer if pulled, fits snugly between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, chokes people when used incorrectly, and works well when jerked?

A seatbelt

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There's a man who hates his wife

He is reading the newspaper and sees an ad for a hitman named Arti who only costs a dollar! The man calls Arti and tells him that his wife goes to Walmart every Saturday at 10:00 AM. Arti goes to Walmart and waits. Then he sees the man's wife so Arti jumps over and choked her to death. But somebody ...

What do you call someone who chokes on their tea?

A cough-y drinker.

What’s the difference between necrophilia, and choke fetish’s?

Eh, about 15 seconds.

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A guy walks into a bar

He has his dog with him. It's an ugly little yellow dog. He sits down at the bar next to a Marine.

The Marine has his dog with him. It's a German Shepherd, and it bristles at the ugly little yellow dog.

The Marine says "Son, you need to get your ugly little yellow dog out of here, or m...

The german guy choked on his food.

He said "im choking, I'm choking"

The other man said what are you joking about.

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Henry Heimlich, the creator of the Heimlich maneuver, was having a horrible birthday.

Since he was a very important person, many famous people came to his birthday party. Henry was upset because people kept pretending they were choking to see what he would do. The Queen ate some birthday cake, grabbed her throat, and bent over. Heimlich ignored her, and she confessed that she was fak...

Hear about the Frenchman who choked to death eating his morning omelette?

Oeuf.

My friend choked to death while sneezing.

I guess he bit off more than he could achoo.

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What happens when you choke on a viagra?

You get a stiff neck.

I was choking on a piece of steak one night [this actually happened]

While eating dinner with my family, I started to eat a piece of steak and ended up choking.

I then stood up, with saliva coming out of my mouth, I held my neck and turned red in the face.

I looked over at my parents who were just sitting at the table staring back at me.

I contin...

[Serious] Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.

A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.

I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well...until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones...and picked the worst possible one to start with.
<...

Captain John McGrue was one of the most respected explorers

Born in England, he became known for his seafaring skills at a young age. At the age of 20, he heard the legends of the greatest drinks in the world, a quest many explorers had tried, but unfortunately none could complete the trip. McGrue was talked out of it by every friend, until at 28, already an...

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Great joke, particularly for married people.

The director of the CIA is testing loyalty of 3 new agents, ages 25, 35, and 45.  He puts each of their wives in 1 of 3 rooms.  He hands the 25 year old a gun and says, "go into the room and kill your wife."  The 25 year old says, "I can't do it, I love her too much."  The director hands the gun to ...

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An American man walks into a restaurant in Spain and looks at the menu.

He doesn't speak a lick of Spanish, so he defaults to a passing waiter for advice on what to get. "I would recommend the *cojones*," the waiter says. "Our house specialty. The dish is sourced fresh from the bull killed by one of our bullfighters in the ring today."

So the man orders the cojo...

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[NSFW] My friend, very much a butt lover, choked to death last night under a particularly large one.

Cause of death: ass fixation.

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My girlfriend left me today

She said I was too kinky in the bedroom. I nearly choked on her shit when she told me

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A Florida man dies and goes to a waiting area for his final destination.

As he awaits, he spots his best friend within the crowd and cannot believe it. He approaches his buddy and starts a conversation

“Cooch, is that you buddy? Holy shit! It is you! What are you doing here?”

“Hey Willie” says the man with barely any expression on his face.

“What ar...

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I was on shift at Popeye's when a woman approached my cash register and whispered in a very sexy raspy voice,"I want you to choke me."

I was locked in her lustful gaze and I replied...

"biscuits with no drink then?"

NSFW While I was sitting in the bar one night drinking alone

A stunner of a woman walked up to the bar sat down right next to me. A booty to die for and rack that hadn’t fallen yet, I couldn’t help taking a glance at her. She smiled back at me, and not in an unkindly way.

I asked if I could buy her the next drink. She accepted. We started talking. She ...

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My wife choked to death while sucking my cock.

It was a terrible blow.

Golden State Warriors "No one can choke harder than we did."

Atlanta Falcons "Hold my beer."

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2 Texas Guys 1 Choking Woman

Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged.

One Texan turned to the other and said “That little gal is havin’ a bad time. I’m gonna go over there and help.”

He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her...

Why did the woman choke on a blowpop?

She was lollygagging.

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It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine.

The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake. "Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot - I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of th...

I found myself at a seedy dive bar last night and after returning from the bathroom, I nearly choked on a shoestring!

I couldn't believe that someone had laced my drink...

I lost my job as a baker when I made a customer violently choke.

It was my manager's fault for telling me to put my hair in a bun.

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I've been fucking this girl lately that likes to call me daddy when I choke her.

And I'm like " mom you're making this weird"

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Why do some people like being choked during sex?

Because it is breathtakingly good.

A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas.

The husband wandered off as she was standing in line, saying something about being back in a little bit.

After getting through the line, the husband wasn't back yet and since they still had more shopping to do, the wife called him on the mobile. The wife said, "Where are you?"

He said,...

This morning I choked on water while jogging for the third time this week...

Worst running gag ever.

Do you know the one about the bride who choked at the altar?

Can't say I do.

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A lady and her 7-year-old son are eating in a restaurant.

A lady and her 7-year-old son are eating in a restaurant.

In a moment of playfulness, the boy swallows a coin and chokes. The mother tries slapping his back, rubbing his neck, shaking him hard and everything she could think of, without success.

The boy begins to turn blue. The desperat...

My girlfriend said "choke me daddy".

On my way to the her funeral right now.

Did you hear about the Italian who choked to death on pasta?

His family was terribly sad that he pasta-way

What do you call a person who sprays deodorant at people and chokes them?

An axe murderer

Something is wrong with my lawnmower— it only runs when it’s fully choked.

It is officially kinkier than I am!

This was my Laffy taffy joke I choked on it while I read this

What Kind Of Tree Grows In Your Hand?
A palm tree!

.....Suddenly, my eyes widened and I choked the urge to scream....

...then sneezed, but no one is around to bless me.

Tired of being constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage a young husband decides to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary and arranges to have her killed.

Tired of being constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage a young husband decides to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary and arranges to have her killed. A friend of a friend puts the husband in touch with a nefarious f...

This guy moves to NYC

and the first night in his new apartment he realizes how loud his upstairs neighbor is, so he goes upstairs to politely ask him to cut it out. When he asks him to quiet down the guy responds with a nod and slams the door in face, resuming the loudness.

A week goes by and every night is the sa...

What is the opposite of the choke hold in wrestling?

The Heimlich maneuver

I wrote a book about a man that chokes to death on his own fart.

I've called it: "Gone With The Wind".

I was sitting on a bus with a friend and he told me this joke...

What do you do if you see an Epileptic having a fit in the bath?

Throw in your laundry.

The guy behind us leaned over and said "I think that's disgusting. My son died in the bath whilst having a fit."

We both went white and apologised. The guy got up to get off and said, "he c...

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A grammar book walks into a bar

* An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television, getting drunk, and smoking cigars.

* A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.

* A bar was walked into by the pass...

I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears..

People just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.

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An old farmer and his neighbor butt heads

An old farmer lives in a world that is always a few generations behind the modern era. As the city grows, the suburbs encroach upon the rural countryside inhabitants that have stewarded these hills for the last 3 centuries. The farmer has a city-folk neighbor that moved in last year who often visits...

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