I won a contest to go trick or treating with Arnold Schwarzenegger this year. Wad thinking of going as Beethoven.

He'll be Bach.

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An Airforce Pilot, an Army Engineer, and a Marine crash land in a rainforest...

They are surrounded by a tribe of cannibals and are approached by the Chief of the tribe. The Chief says that they are gonna eat them and use their skin for canoes, but they get to choose how they die. The Pilot chooses to kill himself with his sidearm, the Engineer asks for some fast acting poison....

The gambler.

This is a long one.
During the depression a guy walks into a bar and asks for a round for the house. The bartender skeptical due to the hard times requires payment. When the guy pulls out a huge wad of cash the bartender’s eyes get huge and he asks, “where did you get all that from?!”
He res...

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A man gets on the bus to go home from college

A man gets on the bus to go home from college and as the journey begins his stomach starts to grumble. They get out into the country and he gets the urge. He runs up to the driver and tells him how sorry he is but he must've had some bad cafeteria food and he needs to poop immediately. The bus drive...

A man walks into a bar in a celebratory mood and

He orders a drink and shouts "and a drink on me for everyone here including the barman", he repeats this and everyone is getting quite drunk when the barman asks for him to pay and the man said he has no money today. The barman beats him up and throws him out. A few months later the same man walks i...

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A guy’s wife of many years says to him, honey, I want a boob job....

Ahhh baby you know we can’t afford that but here’s what you can do. Just take a lil wad of toilet paper and rub it between ya boobs, do that every day. What ? she says, that will make my boobs bigger? Yep he says, look what it did to your ass.

A man and his wife get a divorce.

She lays claim to half of his things, so one afternoon he’s going through the last of their stuff in the attic. He separates what she wants and what he’ll take when he comes upon something she hadn’t mentioned. A small lamp. He picks it up, dusts it off and a genie pops out of it.
“You get three...

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A guy hasn’t had sex in a while...(long)

A guy hasn’t had sex in a while so his friend says he should get a hooker. He asks his friend how to spot a hooker, to which his friend says,” I know the perfect place, just meet me at the old Riverside Run Bar and Grill tonight.”

Although he was hesitant, his hormones get the best of him so ...

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux were out fishing one day when Thibodeaux started thinkin.

“Ay, Boudreaux, why come dem scuba divaahs alway fallin backwahds into da watah?” Boudreaux squinted at Thibodeaux and shook his head. “Cauz if dey fell fo-wad, Thibodeaux, dey’d still be in da boat.”

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich

he goes up to the bar and say "I'll have a bud." The ostrich nods and goes "I'll have a bud too." The bartender shrugs and goes "That'll be $9.78" The guy reaches into his pocket, and without looking pulls out a wad of cash and hands it to the bartender. He counts it out and it's exactly $9.78. The ...

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A 14 year old boy walks into a brothel with a dead frog.

He approaches the first woman he sees and says “I’d like a woman for the night please”.

The woman replies “Don’t you think you’re a bit young to be in a place like this?”

The boy silently produces a large wad of notes from his back pocket and hands it to her. She looks shocked but say...

Donald Trump is visiting Scotland...

...and he is looking around a hospital. When he goes into one ward, a patient sits up and exclaims "Wee, sleekit, cowerin', timorous beastie! O what a panic's in thy breastie!"

Not knowing quite what to make of this, the Pres goes on to the next bed where the patient cries out "Fair fa' you...

A married couple had a deadbeat son.

An married couple had a son in his late 20s still living at home. The parents were concerned that they're son showed a disinterest with pursuing settling down getting on with his life.

The son was working at his part-time job at a pizza place. The dad, at home, said, "I have an idea." He laid...

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TANJOOBERRYMUTTS

By the time you read through this you wil understand 'TANJOOBERRYMUTTS'

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service in a hotel ...

Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

Room Service: " Rye...

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4 homosexual men were sitting in a hot tub. [NSFW]

A wad of semen floated to the top. One of them says, “All right, who farted?”

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Three guys go out to play golf

Just as they are teeing off, a lone player asks if he could join and make the group a four-some. After a couple of holes one of the golfers asks the mysterious man "so what you do for a living?" to which the loner replies "Me? I'm a hitman."

At first the other men were skeptical, but then the...

An old Indian walks into a bank and asks for a $5000 loan.

Clerk: What are you going to do with the money?

Indian: I'm going to go into the city and sell my handmade jewelry.

Clerk: Do you have collateral?

Indian: What's collateral?

Clerk: Collateral is something of value that can cover the amount of the loan. For example, do you...

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A young boy walks into a Brothel dragging a dead frog on a string behind him...

He approaches the Madam of the Brothel and promptly asks for a girl. The woman looks him over and says "I can't do that for a boy of your age". The boy drops a wad of cash in front of her and repeats his request. The madam ponders, and then tells him "alright, first door on the left". Before the boy...

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It's Saturday morning at Cathy & Bill's home.

They live in a cul-de-sac. After Bill jumps into the shower, the door bell chimes. Cathy answers it in her pajamy-wams to find their neighbor Bob standing there. He gives her a long look up and down and says "You know, if you take off your top off, I will give you $500." Cathy thinks it over and che...

Don't Despair

Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening.
Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent.
Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture.
As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the...

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A guy walks in to a bar...

A guy walks in to a bar and has a couple drinks. After about a half an hour, the bartender notices that the guy must be shitfaced. The guy is resting his head on his hand and mumbling to himself.

The bartender confronts the guy. "Listen buddy," he says, "I have to cut you off."

"What?...

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There's a poem contest in South Carolina.

It's down to two contestants...one Harvard grad and one old redneck from the Low Country. They each have 5 minutes to come up with a poem, but they have to use the word "Timbuktu" in the poem to win. The Harvard grad goes first.

"Swiftly cross the desert sands,
Strode a lonely caravan. ...

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Gay Man in Church

So, a gay man goes to church one Sunday. As the offering basket is passed, he drops in a big wad of bills. When the basket gets back to the minister, he notices the wad of money and announces: "Someone here was very generous in the offering today. I would like to ask the person who gave this large a...

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The Gambler

During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."

The bartender said, "That'...

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[NSFW]Did you know that when you stick your dick in a vacuum....and turn it on to reverse...

they'll kick you out of Sears?
__

Someone wrote in the comment jumping on my ass about nit giving credit. I heard this on Conan last night by comedian Matt Donaher. I wasn't stealing the guys joke. I'd never seen anyone on here giving credit to people they hear the jokes from. And because ...

A homeless man...

A homeless man was walking down the street. His shoes were so worn out that the soles would flop around when he walked. One day, he was walking down the street when a man in a brand new Maserati and an expensive Italian suit pulled over by him. The man asked for the homeless man to come to him. He p...

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An extremely handsome man was into a bar

An extremely handsome man was into a bar, wearing a 10000 dollar suit, and women clinging to each arm. Everyone turned heads as he approached the bartender. He takes a fat wad of cash from his pocket and throws it on the table. "Drinks on me!". He exclaimed and everyone cheered. Everyone flocked ...

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A Scotsman was shipwrecked...

...and finally washed ashore on a small island. As he regains consciousness on the beach, he sees a beautiful unclad nymphet standing over him. She asks, "Would you like some food?" The Scot hoarsely croaks, "Och, lassie, I havna' ittin a bite in a week noo and I am verra hungry!" She disappears int...

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First Time Poster, Go easy on me ... "Hamster"

So.. A guy walks into bar and takes a seat ....

The Barman approaches and says what are you having boss?

The Man replies .. I don't have any money pal ...

Barman says if you don't have any money you can stay here ...

The guy says ...what if i told you i have a hamster th...

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My favorite absurdist joke.

One night, a man was sitting at a bar, sipping a drink minding his business, when a guy walked into the bar accompanied by two gorgeous ladies.

The curious thing about the guy who walked in was that his head was, literally, an orange.

Well, this certainly got the attention of the man s...

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New teacher

A young woman fresh out of college goes to a first-grade class to teach for the first time. As she enters the classroom, she sees that the kids are a rowdy bunch, always fighting, throwing wads of paper, and being little assholes. She tries to get their attention but to no avail. Frustrated, she sto...

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A man, Tony, breaks up with his girlfriend...

...and decides the best way to get over her is to go to the bar and pick up a new chick for the night. He buys drinks for all the ladies and none of them show interest. At the end of the night the bartender makes the last call and Tony, disappointed, makes his way out the back to head home. As the d...

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So a Nun Walks into a Liquor Store...

...and shyly asks for a bottle of their finest Vodka. The Store own replys, "I'm sorry mam, but your mother superior has already informed me that you are not to buy any alcohol from me."

'But sir!" she replied, "It is for the mother superior. She's....constipated..." and she hands the store o...

A guy walks into a bar...

Guy walks into a bar tells the bartender "pour me a drink"
The bartender pours him a drink
Then the guy says "you know what? Pour everyone else in here a drink"
Bartender pours everyone a drink
Then the guy says "Bartender pour yourself a drink"
Bartender pours himself a drink and c...

Did you know the oval office is full of money?

There's a wad of bill's under the desk

Finding Money

Reaching into a pair of pants and finding a wad of money is a great feeling . . . . until the person wearing the pants starts screaming.

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My Weird St. Patrick's Morning [NSFW]

So I get to work this morning and hit the bathroom on the way to my desk to let out some coffee. I walk through the door and there's a 3' tall guy wearing an all-green suit and a tophat taking a piss at the short urinal. I didn't mean to look, but you couldn't not notice the gentleman's extremely la...

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So the next door neighbours dog would not stop barking.

So one day this guy has a big win on a horse race and goes for a few drinks to celebrate, after a few too many pints decides he has had enough of this dog barking across the wall from next door every night. So he marches up to his neighbours door and offers to buy the dog for a big wad of notes. The...

"Have you been for a check-up recently?" asked my dentist.

"No. No I haven't," I answered.

"I can tell," he replied.

"Are my teeth bad?" I chuckled.

He said, "No, but I saw the wad of cash in your wallet."

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Stop Me If You've Heard This One.

A little boy walks into a whore house dragging behind him a dead frog, on a leash. He says to the madam "I'd like your filthiest, most AIDS-ridden whore please"
"Young man" the madam responds "why on earth would you want a dirty whore?"
"I've got money" the boy exclaims as he slams a thick w...

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Dragging a dead frog

A thirteen year old boy walks into a brothel dragging a dead frog along behind him by a piece of string. He approaches the head mistress and says, "I want the dirtiest, nastiest, most rotten bitch you have here." She looks at him bewildered and begins to say that he's a bit too young for this when h...

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The old couple and the bag of cash.

There was an old couple that visited their old high school to reminisce about their past where they had first met. The tree where they engraved both of their initials in a heart was still standing. They enjoyed their time together there and began holding hands and walking home.

While walking...

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Coldest Igloo

Three Eskimos are sitting around an ice hole fishing when the topic of coldest igloo pops up.

The first Eskimo says, "My igloo is definitely the coldest. I'll show you"

So they all head over to the first Eskimo's igloo where he says, "Watch this."
He gathers up a big wad of spi...

Me elderly couple joke

An elderly couple are sitting out on their porch. Norman says to his lovely wife, "Ethel, I have to come clean with you. In all the years we were married, I was unfaithful to you one time. I'm sorry my dear, I love you forever, can you forgive me?"

Ethel goes into the house and quickly comes ...

This guy is out fishing on a cold morning

and he is not having much luck. Well, down the dock he notices an old man who is doing great, just reeling in fish after fish.

He goes over and ask the old man what's his secret. The old man just mumbles something incoherent. The younger man leans in, "I'm sorry, what?"

The old man m...

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A museum curator was explaining an old gun

'To fire the gun you insert the Flint in the flintlock ; put the ball into the barrel with charge of powder from a powder horn and wad of cotton. The charge is then rammed down the barrel and tapped a few times with ramrod. Then the ramrod is replaced in the holder, the gun is cocked and then it is ...

A young nurse is hired at a Glasgow hospital.

Towards the end of the shift, he is assigned to a ward with a number people with no obvious signs of injury or disease. He goes to greet the first patient. "Hello, sir, how are you today? Is there anything I can do for you?" The patient replies,

"Aboon them a' ye tak your place, Painch, tripe...

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A boy and his syphilis

A ten-year-old boy goes into a house of ill repute. He goes up to the madam and says, "I want to buy a woman."

The madam says, "Get outta here! You're too young!"

The kid reaches into his pocket and pulls out a huge wad of cash.

"Well," says the madam, looking at the bills, "we...

Stupid people fearing

WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (actual AP headline) Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her inlaws, and while there, she went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.

Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed...

I finally made something of myself

It's a wad of hair and ear wax and snot sitting in the garbage can.

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A wife wants a boob job...

Her husband ask why. She says she wants bigger breasts. He aks if its going to be expensive. She says it will be quite expensive. He tells her to first try rubbing a wad of toilet paper between her breasts and see if that works. How the hell is that going to work, she says. He explains, it seemed t...

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Piss Poor Luck

A guy walks into a bar, and slams down a wad of cash and tells the bartender he's on a lucky streak all night. After a few drinks, the guy asks if anyone in the bar are willing to bet hard cash, and the Bartender points him to an area in the back of the bar.


A little over an hour later, t...

A drunk guy goes to a party...

A drunk goes to a party, he wad standing for a long time before he spots a cute girl siting on a chair. He goes over to her and says: "do you want to dance?"

She blushes and says yes

He says:"good, I'm gonna sit on your chair"

Just a broken shovel

After being away from his base for a while, the base commander returns and asks his deputy if anything important happened while he was away.

"A handle on a shovel broke", said the deputy.

The commander was slightly confused why he is being told such everyday things, but commented: "Wel...