The Pope and Trump are on stage in front of a huge crowd

The Pope leaned towards Mr. Trump and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they spe...

While performing I asked the crowd to give me a hand.

When I was given a hand, I realised I should have thought twice about performing at the Leper Colony.

So, after winning the ball game, I decided to throw a ball into the crowd like I've seen pro baseball players on TV do

Apparently that's unacceptable in bowling.

"Heck yeah, I'll marry him! He drives a 400k vehicle, gets paid to travel, and is adorned by the business crowd."

Woman: So what do you do for a living?

Man: I drive a bus.

How to spot an introvert in a crowd

Please don't

I always wanted to pursue a career in crowd estimation.

I wonder how many people are in that field.

A Muslim suicide bomber walks into a crowd of infidels and blows himself up.

He is immediately transported to Paradise, where he finds himself surrounded by seventy-two of the ugliest women anyone has ever laid eyes upon. The suicide bomber is crestfallen.

"C'mon, think it through," Allah pats him sympathetically on the shoulder. "Why do you think they're still virg...

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When you ask a crowd at a bar "Who wants to get fuckin hammered!?!?"

there's a very different response depending on whether or not you're actually holding a hammer.

what's the best way to instantly blend into a crowd?

suicide vest

Beethoven (to crowd): "Alright... are you guys READY FOR SOME SYMPHONIES?"

Crowd: (*Cheers*)



Beethoven: "I CAN'T HEAR YOU!"

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What do you call a large crowd of people discussing the subject of wanking?

A mass debate

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How do you get a crowd of elderly people to all yell "FUCK!" at the same time?

Be the first to call out bingo.

The president of the United States steps out of his limo to give a speech when a would be assassin leaps from the crowd pointing a gun

The president’s body guard shouts “Mickey Mouse” at the top of his voice. The assassin seems startled by this and it gives the rest of the security team time to jump on the assassin and disarm him. The president congratulates his body guard and asks if “Mickey Mouse” is a secret service code word or...

A Spanish magician told the crowd he'll make himself vanish on the count of 3. He goes "Uno, dos...

And *Poof*..... He disappeared without a tres.

I just spotted a massive crowd of ugly clowns. AMA

EDIT: It was a hall of mirrors.

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There was a nerd who understood every joke.

No matter how cryptic or vague the joke was, he always figured out the punchline. Soon, people started to make bets with him, trying him out. However, every time was the same, he would win the bet. His popularity rose up and soon people would crowd around him as he took more and more bets, cheering ...

A soapbox orator addresses a crowd on the glories of communism

“Come the revolution, everyone will eat strawberries and cream!” A man at the front whimpers, “But I don’t like strawberries and cream.” The speaker thunders, “Come the revolution, you will like strawberries and cream!”

If you read the bible backwards its about a man sent to earth on a cross who is helped down by some Romans and told to go on his way. He then travels the world making people blind and giving them leprosy. He even ruins a meal for a huge crowd by turning all their food into 2 fish and 5 loaves.

He gets fewer followers as time goes by and in the end he's lying in a stable and 3 old men steal all his presents.

A guy notices a crowd of women at the end of the bar

Curious, he walks toward the end and sees an immensely ugly guy being hit on by several ladies. He sits next to another fella and asks "So, what's this guy's deal? Is he rich or famous?" "Dunno," says the other guy, "he just sits there licking his eyebrows."

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I was practicing my standup the other day, I'm trying to specialize in puns. So I tried out ten new jokes on the crowd, hoping that at least one of them would get a laugh, but sadly...

I kept fucking up the punchline.

The Pope and Trump are in front of a large crowd

The Pope leaned over to Trump and whispered in his ear, “With one wave of my hand everyone in this room will rejoice.”

Trump whispered back, “Prove it.”

So the Pope raised his hand and slapped him.

80,000 blondes meet in a football stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention.

The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"


A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.


The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"


After 15 or 20 seconds she says...

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I looked out of my window in horror yesterday as a crowd gathered around a crashed motorcyclist.

I rushed outside yelling, "Let me through, let me through." A man at the front said, "Thank God for that, are you a Doctor?" I said, "No, that's my fucking Pizza."

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Bono, whilst playing a gig in Glasgow, got the whole crowd to be silent and then began slowly clapping his hands

He got the crowd to clap along for a while, the stadium quiet except for the rhythmic clapping.

After a short period Bono spoke, saying that every time he clapped his hands a child in Africa died.

Suddenly, from the front row of the venue a voice broke out in thick Scottish brogue, end...

What do you get when you perform a bad vocal solo to a crowd of mosquitoes?

Malaria.

I have always wanted to be a motivational speaker. To get the crowd on their feet. To feel optimistic about the day ahead, or even the life ahead. To make them feel like all their dreams are within arms reach with just a little hard work and the willingness to be something more than just who you are

Im just too lazy to get up.

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Jesus was with his disciples walking through Jerusalem when they came upon a crowd that was going to stone a woman to death for adultery. He jumped in front of the woman and said, “Let the one without sin cast the first stone.”

Suddenly, from out of the crowd, a rock flew toward the woman's head. It struck her square in the temple, killing her instantly.

Jesus, pissed off, said, “Mom! Not cool! I was trying to make a point!”

Exercise for the over 40 crowd.

I came across this exercise suggested for the over 40's to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders.
The article suggested doing it three days a week.
Begin by standing on a comfortable, flat surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 1kg potato bag in each hand, extend...

I went to a Trump rally the other day, and the only thing higher than the average IQ of the crowd...

Was the average BMI.

One day, Albert Einstein had to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
 

"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"


The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I co...

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The farmer and his family are entertaining a tourist crowd when...

... their son runs in and announces in a loud voice, " Dad, dad , the bull is fucking the cow !!. "

After a moment of shocked silence , the farmer calmly tells, " Next time , son , be a little less explicit.
You should have said.

" The bull is surprising the cow. That sort of langu...

A Rock Band Plays 3 Chords for a 3000 Person Crowd

Where as a jazz player will play 3000 chords for a 3 person crowd.

People often say that I hang out with the wrong crowd...

They say things like, "Hey, we're over here," and "Hey, you don't even know those people!"

Stalin was addressing an assembly of peasants in Russia...

And a man in the crowd sneezed. Stalin asked: who sneezed?

No one responded. Stalin says to one of his KGB cronies 'walk up to the crowd, and shoot everyone in the front row.' So the guy shoots everyone in the front row.

'Now', Stalin says, 'who sneezed?' Again, no one responded. 'Sh...

How does John Lennon practice playing in front of large crowds?

He imagines all the people.

How can you spot a racist in a crowd?

They're the ones shouting "Black Lives Matter!"

Today is the 13th day of Christmas. My house is over-run with noisy birds and a crowd of hungry and confused pipers, drummers, lords and ladies. On top of all that...

...my true love was arrested for human trafficking.

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard.

A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music comin...

How can you tell who's an atheist, a vegan, and a crossfitter in a crowd of people?

Don't worry, they'll tell you.

A man took out a lemon in a crowd of people

and squeezed it dry. He said, 'If anyone can squeeze a drop out of this lemon, I'll give them 100 bucks.'

Many people tried and no one could get any juice out of the lemon. Finally, a man came up and squeezed out two drops of lemon juice. Handing him his $100, the first man asked in wonder, '...

Two is company, three is crowd. So what's four and five?

Nine!

In a movie theater crowd watches a movie. During funny moments only one person laughs. Confusingly, he turns around and explains:

"Sorry, I haven't seen the trailer."

What is a cannibal comedian's biggest fear?

A tough crowd.

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Stoner Joke. Three Men Died and Went to Hell Where They Met the Devil. (Warning! Long one)

Three men died and went to hell where they met the Devil. The Devil told them that they had sinned in life and therefore had to spend the next 666 years in hell to atone for their sins. However, since the Devil wasn't entirely merciless, he would let them choose for themselves how they were going to...

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Dave was bragging to his boss one day

"You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and k...

Why do riot police get to work early?

To beat the crowd

To the "Remain" crowd in Britain... come to Canada!

Half of the US is moving here soon anyhow.

[Racist Humor] What do you do in a crowd of Hindus?

Connect the Dots

What did the vulture police officer tell the gathering crowd about the roadkill?

Carrion people

How do you find a British person in a crowd?

1. Shout 0800 00
2. Wait for them to shout 1066.

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A sniper looks over a large crowd of people from his hidden perch. Over his earpiece, he is told to fire at will. He carefully spots his target, and shoots.

"Crap, that wasn't Will."

Why did Hillary Clinton had her campaign chairman John Podesta send the crowd home from the Clinton HQ?

She 'accidently' deleted the email with her consession speech.

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The Haircut

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking American Airlines," was the reply. "We got a grea...

What do you call a woman trying to get to the front of a crowd?

Jocelyn.

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Jesus comes upon a crowd stoning a harlot...

He was shocked at the cruelty, and he opens his arms wide and yells "STOP!!!" in his booming, godly voice. Everybody pauses and turns, stones in their hands, and Jesus begins to preach.

He preaches about brotherly love, and turning the other cheek. His words are inspiring and the crowd grows ...

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Translated joke from a south Asian language.

I tried my best. I'm pulling this from memory. Changed a lot of stuff, and added a buttload of new things to make this seem as normal as possible. Enjoy!

> The cops arrest a truck driver for running over 50 people. They take him to the interrogation room and start questioning him. After a ...

Inauguration Day crowds

One more thing that Trump has that's smaller than a black guy's.

The Artist

I just saw a group of people who were watching an artist sketch all of them in his book. The man was good too, he really knew how to draw a crowd.

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A rich man threw a mansion party

It was of extravagant proportions. Hundreds of guests filled his enormous abode to mingle and drink with glee. During the festivities the rich man gathered everyone to the backyard.

“Come! I have something to show you all! As well as a challenge!”

His curious (also drunk) flock followe...

George Bush swears he sees Moses in the crowd at a rally....

.....and he doesn't want to miss the opportunity to meet such a well-known biblical celebrity.

He yells at him, "Sir, you look a lot like a man from the old testament. Are you Moses?" Looking around, the man slowly shakes his head side to side denying the gesture. Bush is not convinced.. one...

A man has died, and his friends and family are gathered together in a small church for his memorial service...

As the service nears its conclusion, a man rises up from his seat on a pew in the very back row and begins to shuffle towards the pulpit, where the preacher is concluding his remarks and the widow of the deceased stands by weeping.

The man makes his way up to the very front of the congregatio...

Stalin is giving a long speech at an event, naturally in front of a huge audience. While he's in full flow, somebody near the front of the hall sneezes.

Stalin stops and surveys the crowd.

"Who sneezed?" he asks.

Deathly silence.

"I repeat," says Stalin, "who sneezed?"

Not a peep.

"Very well," says Stalin. "First row, stand up!" Everyone in the first row stands up. "Guards! Open fire!"

A few seconds later, ...

A scientist is trying to prove that all blonds are stupid

so he holds an all blond convention and randomly picks someone from the crowd. First he asks her what two plus two is. She answers seven, and the crowd yells, "Give her another chance!". So this time he asks her what ten minus four is. She answers thirteen, and the crowd yells, "Give her another ...

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A redneck wrestler

has beaten every opponent he's been up against and is now going international. Before the match against the Russian champion, his coach sits him down.

"Now, look, you're faster and more agile than this guy. He's big and strong, but just keep moving and let him tire himself out and you can b...

My Car spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of people

And My Korean friend screams "Hit the Blakes" & I'm like "I can't be that selective"

A drunk man borrows and loses his partner's prosthetic leg in a game of roulette in Las Vegas while she's asleep in their room. When she wakes up in the morning she is furious and sends him down to the tables to win it back...

..the man, now sober, is absolutely determined to make up for his sordid late night misdeed, and immediately challenges the casino to win back the prosthetic leg.

For the whole next day he is at the table, losing pile after pile of chips, thousands and thousands of dollars at a time.

...

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Sex with ghosts

A spiritualist meeting, and the leader asks the crowd, "Who here believes in ghosts?" Most of the hands go up. "Has anyone here seen a ghost?" Fewer hands go up. "Heard a ghost?" "Smelled a ghost?" "Touched a ghost?" Fewer hands go up each time. Finally, he asks "Has anyone here ever had sex...

How can you recognise a blind man among a crowd of nudists?

It's not hard...

Jesus is on the cross and...

He shouts “Peter, Peter!”

Peter hears him from 200m away and starts making his way through the crowd and soldiers. At 150m a Roman soldier slashes his right arm off but Peter keeps going determined saying “I am coming master!”

Jesus shouts again “Peter, Peter!”

Peter, now with o...

Why did the crowd watch the man futily attempt to blend oil and water for hours on end?

It was unmiscible.

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Three warriors and a female troll enter the Colosseum.

The first, wielding a sword, attacked the massive lady-beast head on but was quickly dispatched. The 2nd, wielding a flail was picked up and thrown across the arena like a toy. The 3rd warrior knew he could not defeat the troll by conventional means and with that, he charged at the troll as fast as ...

A pilot encounters engine trouble during a storm over the Pacific Ocean

In a desperate attempt, he crash-lands on an uncharted island and loses consciousness.

A day or so later, he awakens to find himself bound and being dragged by some native savages to their camp.
The natives are going wild at the spectacle, as he is left in the center of the camp next to a...

What do you call a crowd-sourced internet database for turntables?

Wiki-Wiki-Wikipedia

A cowboy rode into town; at first, the streets seemed deserted, but moments later he saw a large crowd...

...It looked like the entire town was milling about the town square. A shopkeeper was nearby, one of only a few people who weren't in the square.

"What's goin' on?", queried the cowboy. The shopkeeper replied, "Today they're hangin' Brown Paper Bill."

"That's an unusual name," said the...

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The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semifinalists: a Yale graduate and a redneck from Wyoming.

They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu".

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:


*Slowly across the desert sand
Trek...

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The story of my rugby career

I was sitting at the bar enjoying a drink to myself When next thing the door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on. 5'11'' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure.

Barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I could see s...

So I told a premature baby joke at an open mic night but I don't think the crowd liked it.

Apparently it was too soon

How do you pick Dolly Parton's Kids out of a crowd?

They're the ones with stretch marks around their lips.

A bakery owner hired a young female shop assistant

A bakery owner hired a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brillia...

At one of USSR’s bread lines during 1985…

A man in the crowd mumbling to himself “No bread, no milk, no meat… what a shame” two policemen hearing of his mumbling and walk up to him, and says

“Citizen, if you said that 40 years ago you’d have been shot, so shut up and stand in line like everybody else.”

As the policemen leave, ...

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A guy walks into a bar with an octopus.

He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that t...

A boy is making sure a microphone works for an open bar stand up night.

Aa boy, not much older than 12 or 13, comes up to the mic and says
"Ice, ice, icicle".
"Pop, pop, popsicle".
"Test," and the crowd stares in horror as the inevitable is going to happen.
"Test, testing one two three"

A local nunnery started a fight club

Obviously such an event had to be very under the radar, so very few people knew about it.

One of my best friends aunts is a nun, so he invited me to go with him. I went once, immediately got hooked, and now we go every Tuesday night. I told my wife that I had to work late Tuesday nights, the...

So a guy walks into a bar and has a lemon for a head...

So a guy walks into a bar and has a lemon for a head... he sits down at the bar and the bartender says "WHOA! How did you get a lemon for a head?" The man replies "if you pour me free drinks all night, I'll tell you the story" the bartender agrees and starts to pour him a drink. The man starts to te...

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A bar owner decides to make his place a piano bar.

He hires a pianist, buys a baby grand, shuts down the bar and has it redecorated. He talks to one of his friends and says,”Man, I hope this place goes over, I’m kind of worried no one will come.” The friend says, “Well, have a grand opening. Advertise and get the word out.” The bar owner takes his a...

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The Stalin joke

Stalin, the glorious leader, is giving a speech to his comrades.

Then, in the crowds of people, someone sneezes, interrupting his speech.

This pisses him off.

“Who sneezed?!” He yells into the terrified crowd

No one answers

So he orders the first row of people sho...