UPJOKE
mobherdthrongswarmbunchovercrowdgangcrewgatheringjamgrouphuddlehordegathermass

Crowd Jokes

A man's been driving around a crowded parking lot trying to find a place to park.

"Lord," he prayed, "I can't take this any longer. If you open up a space for me, I swear I'll give up drinking and go to church every Sunday."

Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines down on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man says, "Never mind, I found one."

I had a cousin called Marco. Tragic story. He got lost in a crowded shopping mall. My aunt called and called for him

but of course she hadn't a hope of hearing him calling back.

How do you find a vegan at a crowded party?

Don't worry; she'll find YOU.

A man walks up to the stage at a stand up night and tells the crowd about his long history of squatting.

After a few seconds of silence, he says “Thank you, I’ll be here all night! Don’t tell the owners though.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Pope and Vladimir Putin are sharing a balcony in front of a huge crowd.

The Russian president and His Holiness have seen it all before. So to make it a bit more interesting, Putin says to the Pope, “Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand, I can make every communist in the crowd go wild?”
He doubts it, so he shows him. Sure enough, the wave is greeted ...

Julius Caesar was addressing the crowd in the Coliseum

Friends, Romans
and Countrymen, lend me your ears. Tomorrow I take our glorious army to conquer Northern Europe and I shall start with France. We shall kill many Gauls and return victorious."

The crowd are up on their feet "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty
Caesar"

Brutus turn...

What is the quickest way to find an American in a crowd?

Shout "is anyone here Irish?"

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:

"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On a crowded train, travelling somewhere in Europe.

A U.S. Marine walked the entire length of the train looking for a seat before realizing that the only seat available was currently occupied by a well-dressed, middle-aged French woman's poodle.

The weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman just sniffed, and said t...

Mexico

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second. “You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico.” The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insu...

A third rate magician is doing magic shows on a second rate cruise ship (Long)

The pay is good, the accommodation is comfortable, the food is excellent, and the two show a day workload is easy. The mainly elderly audience seem to enjoy his show which is unoriginal but has the polish of hundreds of repetitions. All in all, it's started out as a great gig except for one glaring ...

Person One: [To a crowd] “Help! This is an emergency. Is anyone here a doctor?”

Person One: \[To a crowd\] “Help! This is an emergency. Is anyone here a doctor?”

Person Two: “I’m a doctor but I’m afraid of frivolous lawsuits.”

Person Three: “I’m a lawyer and I have a contract here that can protect you against most allegations of malpractice. But it will need to be...

I looked out of my living room window yesterday in horror

I looked out of my living room window yesterday in horror to see a crowd gathered round a crashed motorcyclist.
So I quickly put on my coat and shoes and rushed outside.
Pushed through the crowds shouting “let me through, let me through!”.
I finally managed to get to the front of the crow...

Jesus is hanging on the cross.

There’s a big loud crowd gathered when he’s heard weakly calling for Matthew. Matthew rushes toward the cross but is brutally beaten back by the Roman soldiers guarding it. He runs around to the far side and tries again. Again he’s beaten back. Finally after several more attempts a beaten and bloody...

I’m thinking of a career where I estimate crowd sizes at different outdoor events.

I wonder how many people are in that field.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The King of France, The King of England and The King of Spain are having an argument over who has the biggest penis.

Eventually they decide to let the people judge. They all stand on a stage in front of the people and drop their pants one by one.


The King of France drops his and the French crowd shout "Vive la France!!"


The King of Spain drops his and the Spanish crowd shout "Viva Españ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Barber (long)

A man was getting a haircut prior to taking a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded,

“Why would you want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty — and full of Italians! You’re crazy to go to Rome!

“So, how are you getting there?”

“We’re taking United,” w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pele showed up in Hell....

Pele showed up in Hell and Satan said, "How is this possible? You were beloved by millions and gave generously to those in need."
Pele explained, "When I got to Saint Peter's gate, there was a big crowd waiting but they had room for only one more. Saint Peter winked at me and pronounced 'he who h...

I heard about the ideal gas law in physics class PV=nRT…

and I heard non-ideal gas law in a crowded elevator PU=faRT

*CEO of a company dies*

Manager: silence, we are burying a great man today.

Employee: did some one else die too.

Credits: the IT crowd.

Dance

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded around a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,00...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Laundry

A young couple lived in a small studio apartment, which was perfectly fine when it was just the two of them, but once their first baby arrived, things started getting a little crowded. They also started feeling a little self-conscious about discussing sex in front of their baby, even though he was ...

Bubba

Once When Bubba got a new job, he says to his new boss, “Boss, I know everyone in the whole world!”

His boss doesn't believe him, so he says “No you do not know everyone in the whole world.”

Bubba says “Yes I do!”

Bubba's boss says “Well prove it!”

Bubba says...

A Mime Goes To The Zoo...

The mime, who has been down on his luck, begins to perform his act in the middle of the zoo. Just as a small crowd is beginning to gather, a couple of zookeepers come by and escort him away.

The zookeepers bring the mime to see the head zookeeper, who admits to the mime that recently their m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was getting crowded in Heaven one day, so Saint Peter decided for one day to only accept people who could make him laugh.

A man came walking up to the pearly gates and Saint Peter said to him:

“Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died”

The man looked at Saint Peter and said

“Oh man it was awful, I was absolutely SURE my wife wa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two boys walk into a crowded store...

They wait patiently for their turn until the shopkeeper asks them loudly,

"How can I help the young gentlemen?"

"A box of rat poison, please."

"Many rats, right?"

"Yes."

"Are they big?"

"Mostly."

"How big are they?"

"Like this."

"Then yo...

Nikita Khrushchev is giving a speech on the necessity of de-Stalinizing the country. Someone in the crowd yells "And why didn't you do anything about it before Stalin died?!"

Khrushchev stands straight up and bellows "WHO SAID THAT?!?", looking left and right. When there is absolute silence and no one owns up to it, he says (in a normal voice) "That is why".

A blonde girl sets out to prove blonde aren’t dumb

A blonde girl rents out a stadium and invites as many blondes as she can and sure enough 80,000 blondes fill the stadium and she films it all on live television. She invites a little 4 year old girl out in front of everyone and asks her “what’s 2+2?” The little girl shivers and squeaks out “T-three?...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable. (one of my favourite jokes, worth the read)



However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they can't afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the z...

Few years ago I saw Slim Shady in concert and instead of rapping he just kept pulling his pants down and mooning the crowd.

Honestly the whole thing was just Em bare assing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.



The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me ...

Years ago at a small private zoo..

they had a gorilla that was popular with small town tourists and the local residents.
Unfortunately the gorilla died of old age and the owner offered one of his employees extra pay to put on a gorilla suit in order to fool the crowds while he figured things out.

Surprisingly, it kinda work...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Students training to be police officers were given the following difficult examination question.

**A student training to be police officer was given the following difficult examination question:**

>"You're on street patrol when an explosion occurs on a nearby road. You investigate and discover an overturned van besides a large crater. Both occupants of the van are injured, and smell ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A king declares that all Jewish people must leave the kingdom, unless one can beat his priest in a contest.

The rules are simple: without saying a single word, the contestants must argue their faith until one concedes. Among the Jewish citizens, only one old man steps forward to compete.

The priest and the old man take the stage before a crowd, and the contest begins.

The priest raises his ...

All the blondes in the world are tired of being portrayed as stupid

... so they decide to prove that they're just as smart as anyone else.

They hold a big conference, and fill up an entire stadium of blondes. People come from miles and miles to be part of this, the stadium is filled, the city outside the stadium is packed, and millions more watch from home as...

In a crowded city at a bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt, with matching tight leather boots and jacket...

As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little, thin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A seller at a flea market told a lady that an old mirror was magic and could grant wishes

She bought the mirror and brought it home. Looking for a suitable place to hang it, she settled on the back of the bedroom door. Taking a moment to collect her thoughts and wishes, she faced the mirror and pronounced, "Mirror, mirror, on the door, make my breasts size forty-four!” Instantly, her bra...

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German stop to watch a street performer.

The performer sees them arrive and since they’re at the back of the crowd asks them if they can see properly.

“Yes.”

“Oui.”

“Si.”

“Ja.”

I tried stand-up before, but it didn't work out. My first audience was a real tough crowd

I was performing in a haunted house and the only responses I got were "boooo".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was asked to participate in a debate in front of a large crowd of people about the pros and cons of masturbation.

I showed up totally unprepared, as I’ve never been much of a mass debater.

A contestant made a meringue on Australian Masterchef and the crowd started clapping and cheering.

The host said, "This is very unusual for an Australian audience. They normally Boo meringues!!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Danish man entered the international cow milking competition

The man was considered a legend in Denmark and it was said that he could get any cow to produce 20 litres of milk at a time. The people of his country, including his wife and children, were sure that the Danish man would win the competition.

The American first went up on stage — the crowd ch...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At 581 words this long one has the advantage of making you laugh many times even before the punchline.

An out of work pianist with Tourette's Syndrome was strolling around the streets and bars of London. Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window: 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'. "Fucking get in there you cunt!" he says to himself and goes to the bar.

<...

The crowd was tense with excitement as the final three Samurai faced off;

After a long day of competing it was the final round of competition to find who was indeed the master swordsman.

In a final challenge the three men had to show their prowess and concentration by slicing the finest of targets, a mere fly.

The first Samurai steps up to the stage a fly is...

The All Lives Matter crowd is extremely upset.

To learn that All Votes Matter.

A man walks into a crowded bar on a Friday night, and there’s a big commotion going on

Curious, he walks into the crowd and tries to find what is so exciting. Looking up, he sees several pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. Even more curious now, but also rather thirsty, he works his way to the bar tender. The man asks the bartender, “Why are there pieces of meat hanging from the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Octopus in the Highlands

One lovely evening in the Scottish Highlands, a lad walked into a local pub with his octopus in tow. There was a general start in the otherwise subdued and cozy establishment. The lad takes a seat at the bar, props his octopus in the seat next to him, and proclaims for all to hear:

“I hereby ...

A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator and loudly announces, “I’ll place my genitals inside this alligator’s mouth…

…the gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I’ll remove my unit unscathed,” he says.

Now, he has the full attention of the bar!

Here’s the deal, he continues, “If this works, everyone buys me drinks.” There is a murmur among the patrons, and after a moment, they a...

A guy walked into a crowded bar waving his

unholstered pistol and yelled "I have a 45 Caliber Colt 1911 with a seven round clip plus one in the chamber and I want to know who has been sleeping with my wife."
A voice from the back of the room called out "you need more ammo!"

My dads best piece of advice growing up was "you only get one chance to make a good first impression"

I've always gone with Schwarzenegger, it's recognisable and its always a crowd pleaser

After winning the game I decided to throw my ball into the crowd

Apparently that’s frowned upon in bowling

One day God visits St. Peter at the pearly gates and tells him heaven is too crowded and to not let so many people in and gives St Peter a quota for each day.

Later that day 3 men approach looking for entrance into heaven. Peter turns to the men and tells them that only 1 of them is able to enter into heaven. To decide which one gets in he asks them how they died. He tells them that the man with the best death story will get into heaven.

The first ...

Let they who are without sun…

Jesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her and approached them. "What's going on here, anyway?" he asked.

"This woman was found committing adultery and the law says we should stone her!" one of the crowd responded.

"Wait," yelled Jesus, "Let he who is without sin cast the firs...

Did you ever hear of Juan the Magnificent?

Juan was just a young man growing up in rural Mexico. He felt he had little chance to grow up and do anything of importance or recognition. He'd grow up and work the land. The same as his father and his grandfather before him.


Until the day he saw the great magician Harry Houdini.

...

God notices heaven is getting a bit crowded

So he sits down with St Peter and says
“Look, too many people are getting in. As of tomorrow at 12pm, no one is getting in unless they’ve had a really bad day”

Peter nods, and the next day he sits down at the pearly gates when a man arrives

“Hi sir, welcome to heaven, hey new rules....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy walks into a bar

with an alligator under one arm and a shillelagh in the other.

He walks up and slings the alligator up onto the bar and brutally WHACKS it over the head with the club.

The alligator’s mouth verrrry slowly creaks open, revealing a gaping maw of savage teeth.

The guy whips out hi...

Why do riot police wake up early?

So they can beat the crowds.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and sees a 5 gallon jug filled with $20 bills...

He sits at the bar and asks the bartender about it. The bartender replies,

"It's the $20 challenge. You put a $20 into the jar, complete a set of three challenges, and if you win you take home the entire jar!"

The man looked at it and asked what the challenges were, because that much m...

A 'your mom' joke, from around year zero, ancient Rome:

"The Emperor Augustus was touring the Empire, when he noticed a man in the crowd who bore a striking resemblance to himself.

"Intrigued he asked: 'Was your mother at one time in service at the Palace?'

"'No your Highness,' he replied, 'but my father was.'"


(I recently found ...

Making babies

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said,
'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Tale From The Old West . . .

"An old woman walked up and tied her old mule to the hitching post.

As she stood there, brushing some of the dust from her face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

He looked at the woman and laughed, "H...

At the meeting location, why did the spymaster keep looking up, rather than scanning the crowd for his contact?

He was told the informant would be “in de skies”.

As an ex-archer myself, I had always wondered, why aren't we allowed to shoot into the crowd?

Then, it hit me.

What did Jesus say to the crowd of bakers?

Let he who is without sin cast the first scone.

Jesus heard that...

there was going to be a stoning at the edge of town, so he headed that way.

"Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."

The crowd goes silent.

Suddenly, a rock comes flying from the back of the crowd and BOOM, knocks out the offender.

Jesus waves his arm to part ...

THE crowded restaurant had a sign reading

“Not Responsible for Personal Items”, so Larry kept checking on his belongings.

Finally his friend said, “Larry, you’re driving me nuts. Stop watching our coats.”

“I’m only watching mine,” Larry said. “Yours was stolen half an hour ago.”

A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library...

He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"

The girl replied, in a loud voice "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table.

After a couple of minutes, the g...

A mixup at the gates of hell

The devil was sitting at the gates of hell when an old man suddenly arrived in a burst of flames, looking confused and lost. The Devil looked at his paperwork,

and frowned. He was unable to find this old man’s data file.



“This can’t be right,” the old man said, looking at the D...

A man tells his friend that he has a dog in a suitcase who can play the piano.

The friend says “ok let’s see it”. The man opens the suitcase and sure enough a small dog with a small piano comes out and plays the piano with great skill. As he plays a crowd gathers around to watch. After some time a female dog comes out from the crowd, picks him up by the scruff and carries him ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tired

An American soldier, serving in World War II had just returned from several weeks on the front lines.

The soldier had been granted rest and relaxation and was on a train bound for London.

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train in hopes of finding...

What does my dad and a large crowd have in common?

Never seen them since 2019

A Mexican magician tells the crowd he will disappear at the count of 3

A Mexican magician tells the crowd he will disappear at the count of 3.

He goes,"Uno, Dos...." and POOF!

He disappears without a Tres.

An old drunk walks in the the toughest biker bar. He immediately Scans the crowd until he find the toughest biker in the bar

The guy is a Monster or a man and looks very dangerous. The old drunken man sits down on a bar stool next to him and says loudly, “Hey buddy! Hey! Tough guy! Why don’t you buy me a beer before I go home and go bang your mom!”

The crowd goes silent; they know this biker has killed for far les...

Guinness

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back. The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Billionaire’s Party

A billionaire is throwing a lavish party for an elite crowd of party goers. Raging well past the midnight hour, the host heads outside and attempts to get everyone's attention by tapping his champagne glass as he walks towards the pool.

*"If you could all please direct your attention to the p...

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy.

The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.

The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bob had finally made it

to the last round of the "$64,000 Question" show. The night before the big question, he told the host that he desired a question on American History.

The big night had arrived. Bob made his way on stage in front of the studio and TV audience. He had become the talk of the week. He was the be...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar with a .44 magnum

and yells, "Who the fuck, fucked my wife"
The crowd upon hearing this becomes silent and the man repeats the question. "Who in the fucking hell fucked my wife".
The crowd still quiet. Then a person from the back of the bar says, "You dont have enough bullets"

In the early 1400's, a little town in France was down on its luck...

Unemployment was high, and everyone who needed money pretty much lived their lives in front of the job board in the middle of the town.

Well, one fine morning, the city priest walked to the center of town and posted a page that read, 'Help Wanted: Bell Ringer.' The groans that pervaded the cr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Rednecks are eating in a fancy restaurant....

Suddenly, the woman sitting at the next table starts choking and gasping for air. Everyone else around just sits there watching, but one of the Rednecks JUMPS up, grabs the woman and yanks her out of the chair. He then pulls her dress up over her head, yanks her panties down and runs his tongue up t...

A bakery owner hired a young female shop assistant

A bakery owner hired a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brillia...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At a crowded funeral for a popular well known man, the wife stands finally to ask “Would any of you who knew Jim like to say a few words?” An older gentleman from the back shuffled forward, took a deep breathe, and stated loudly “PLETHORA SHITLOAD FUCKTON”

The wife hugged the man firmly, and said “Thanks. That means so much.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is it always crowded in a sperm bank?

Because people are paid to come.
Why'd you think sperm donations are really expensive, because they're handmade
But Its hardwork tho, it takes alo of balls to do it, whatever you thing you on regular that's nutting.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A elderly man walks into a crowded hospital waiting room for a check up

He goes up to the receptionist and she says “what are you in here for sir?” The man reply’s “there’s something wrong with my dick” disgusted the receptionist reply’s “you shouldn’t say such things in such a crowded place” “well what am I supposed to say then?” The man reply’s “something like there’s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a good one from my dad

A guitar player walks into a bar trying to score a gig.
He meets with the bar owner for his audition, and proceeds to play a beautiful melodic song.

"Wow!" Said the owner, "that was amazing! Whats it called?"

"Its called 'You're slapping my wifes titties with a belt'" replies the gu...

The Great Showman

While doing his rounds on a cruise ship out at sea, a porter on a cruise ship comes across a homeless man sleeping in a lifeboat. He wakes the man up and asks him why he's there.

"I'm homeless, obviously, just looking for somewhere to lay my head," the homeless man replies.

"Give me on...

A ship was sinking...

The captain of the ship gathers all passengers on deck and asks the crowd: "Does anyone here know how to say prayers".

A priest steps forward: "I can" he says with some pride in his voice. "Actually, I used to say the best prayers in the monastery, and they would be answered by God too" he co...

A student at the local (insert rival university here) was ready to graduate after 10 years.

Because he'd been there so long, word got out that his final exam was to be held, and people were so excited that they filled up the football stadium!

The professor wanted to makes sure he passed, so gave this question:

P: What is 2 + 2?

Student: uhhhhh - fouuurrr???

T...

A musician is hired to perform at a home for the elderly

When he arrives, there is a comedian already on the stage. The comedian says "Number seventeen!" And the crowd chuckles. Then he says "Number thirty-one!" The crowd laughs. Then he says "Number fourty-four!" And the crowd roars and claps.

The musician is naturally confused, so he asks t...

Beethoven hyping the crowd.

Beethoven: YOU WANNA HEAR A SYMPHONY?

*crowd cheers*

Beethoven: I CAN'T HEAR YOU!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A 'down and out' sees a sign in the window of a well known Jazz Bar saying 'pianist wanted'

So he decides to go inside and enquire. The owner takes one look and is immediately put off by the man's dishevelled appearance as his bar is pretty high brow. The man says 'please, give me a chance, before my life took a turn for the worst I was a pretty successful Jazz pianist'.

'Okay' says...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman approaches a man wearing a velvet suit sitting in a fairly crowded bar. “Hi, my name is Carmen because I’m into cars and men.” says the woman in a flirtatious tone.

The man, seemingly sloshed, looks at her and says, “Hey I’m BeerPussy, can I get you a drink?”

The other day I saw this huge crowd of dodgy looking people lining up at the local morgue, they were all leaving with these big heavy looking bags over their shoulders. I could just tell something illegal was going on.

It was a dead giveaway

Putin was Giving a Speech to his Soldiers

When all of the sudden in the midst of a particularly moving segment, he hears a loud, uproarious sneeze coming from amongst the crowd. Putin stops speaking, glares at the soldiers, becomes very visibly annoyed, and says "Who sneezed?...".

All of the soldiers don't say anything, some of them ...

“It’s easy to stand in the crowd, but it takes courage to stand alone”, Mahatma Gandhi

“It’s easy to stand alone but it takes courage to stand in a crowd” , Covid-19

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard

A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music comin...

Putin goes to fortune teller to find out his future.

She says:

"I see you on the car, arriving to a parade, there's an enormous crowd, they're crying for happiness when they see you, everybody is happy".

"Great! I'll lead the parade, who I will handshake with?"

"Nobody, your coffin will be closed".

In a movie theater crowd watches a movie. During funny moments only one person laughs. Confusingly, he turns around and explains:

"Sorry, I haven't seen the trailer."

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spanish man and a German are watching a juggler

The juggler notices they are having troubles seeing him through the crowd and steps onto a box. He asks “can you see me now?” They reply

Yea
Oui
Si
Ja

The Emperor Augustus was touring the Empire, when he noticed a man in the crowd who bore a striking resemblance to himself.

Intrigued he asked: "Was your mother at one time in service at the Palace?"

"No your Highness," the man replied, "but my father was."

I went to a Trump rally the other day, and the only thing higher than the average IQ of the crowd...

Was the average BMI.

The Blonde Convention

Once, there was a huge meeting of all of the blondes in the world. They had heard all of the jokes and wanted to prove once and for all that they were not as stupid as the jokes made them seem. They all chose one of them, who they all thought was the smartest to answer one question. She went up to t...

The Legend of Saint Andrew

While Jesus was on the cross, several of his disciples were in the crowd nearby. When Jesus spotted Andrew, he called out to him "Andrew! Andrew!" At this, Saint Andrew pushed his way through the crowd, "Yes Lord! What is it?". The Roman guards saw the commotion and roughly bashed Andrew back with t...

Three is a crowd

Wife: Love, we’re going to be three people living in this house.
Husband: Really? Am I going to be a daddy, love?
Wife: Oh, no, love. My mom’s going to come and live with us.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,

"Dave! What's happening? Great to see yo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In a crowded bar, a drunk man enters and calls out one of the customers:

\- Hey you! I've been at your mother's place before, and I fucked her good! everyone looks shocked at the guy but he was just sipping his Scotch in peace. The man leaves and arrives after 30 minutes, saying to the same guy:

\- Hey you! I fucked your mom so good that she still hasn't recovered...

The rich alligator collector and his beautiful daughter

Once there was a rich man who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool behind his mansion. He also had a beautiful single daughter.

So, one day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces: "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.