Just learned that a dentist a block away from me was arrested for dealing drugs. Shows you how wrong you can be about people. I had been going to him him for over ten years.

Never knew he was a dentist.

I was just walking down the road when someone threw a full block of cheese at me

I told them “That wasn’t very mature was it?”

My friend is a chess master from the Soviet block

No really he's my Czech mate

I have extreme Artist's block.

I really *want* to make something, but I'm just drawing a blank.

On local news this morning: A woman in Dublin escaped a fire in a block of flats by jumping from the top floor onto a trampoline below.

Several times.

Since I've installed Adblock Plus

All the girls in my area suddenly lost their interest in me.

I've heard there is a guy in our block who is spying on his neighbors.

That's nonsense, I would have noticed that long ago.

I was walking down the street when a group of kids threw a block of cheese off me, they burst into laughter and I yelled

“That’s not mature is it”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Irishman's first drink with his son

I was watching that American TV show "Modern Family" and it got me thinking about the time I took my son out for his first drink.

​

We went down the street to the local pub, only a couple of blocks away.

​

I got him a Guinness Stout. He didn't like i...

I woke up this morning and was surprised to find a huge box of LEGO blocks sitting on my front porch.

I have no idea what to make of it.

My friend sneaked up behind me, and hit me over the head with a block of cheese

I said “Oh that’s very mature.”

I once asked a cheese maker if there was any way he could make me a block of cheddar using soy milk.

Hey said, "I'm sorry, but there's no whey."

The Chinese have taken over our office block.

That's wong on so many levels.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Luigi walks to work 20 blocks everyday and passes a shoe store twice everyday.

Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Armani leather shoes.

He wants those shoes so much...it's all he can think about.

After about 2 months he saves the price
of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.

Every Friday night the Italian community
holds a dance ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Starbucks announced they will soon block porn websites from their public access Wifi

Good thing all I need is that two-tailed mermaid.

I was in my house last night, and at around midnight I heard a smash. I ran downstairs and someone had thrown a block of cheese through my window....

Looked at it and thought, that's mature

I have always managed to be the tallest person on my block.

But it has meant moving to smaller and smaller blocks a number of times.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was in line behind this guy buying condoms and his card just got declined.

The old lady behind me whispered "He just got cock blocked by visa"

A wizard once turned me into a block of cheese...

I was very grateful.

My kid just stacked some letter blocks like so:

F

F

U

T

S

S

I

H

T

You couldn't make this stuff up.

What weighs more, a 50kg block of iron or a 50kg woman?

The woman - they always lie about their weight

A mathematician has one foot in a bucket of lava and the other on a block of ice

On average, he's okay.

I paid $3 for a block of metal yesterday

It was really quite the steel

What do you call a really smart block of cheddar?

Cheese whiz

The priest kept chasing the little girl are the block

Before finally catching her. Moving closer to her, he puts his hand on her trembling body and asks, 'whats going on?'The girl replies, 'i'm running away from home', said the kid. 'But why are you running only around the block?', asked the priest. Little girl replies,
'Because i'm not allowed to c...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Builder's block

A building labourer when to see the doctor, complaining of constipation.
'Drop them and I'll have a look.'
The doctor then left the room, returning with a pickaxe - which he swung and hit the man right on the bum hole.

All at once, the man involuntarily passed an enormous bowel movement...

"Hey teacher, have you seen that block of Sodium?"

Na.

A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining…

… and put his head out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from, just in time to see a young woman looking down.
"Is this yours?" He asked.
She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed. On arrival she was profuse i...

A blonde discovered that most accidents happen within 10 blocks from home...

So she moved.

If you can't hear your boyfriend's truck from 4 blocks away...

..you have husband material right there

A man holding a large block of asphalt walks into a bar

He says to the bartender, "A beer for me, and one for the road."

The periodic table just got one block smaller

Scientists now say Plutonium is not a real element

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What is 10 blocks long and never had sex?

The line for the Nintendo Switch

A man was murdered with a cinder block.

The evidence was concrete.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What happens in Vegas

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, 'How much do you charge?' Hooker replies, 'It starts at $500 for a hand-job.'

Guy says, '$500 dollars?! For a hand-job? No hand-job is wort...

A man is sentenced to life in prison. His first day on the cell block....

...he is sitting in his cell, when he hears another prisoner shout from down the hall: "27!".


The entire cell block bursts into laughter. A few moments later, another prisoner shouts "55!".


Again, everyone on the cell blocks laughs. This goes on for a while and finally the ne...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man sleeps with the farmer's daughter...

He wakes up with a cinder block on his chest and a note: Farmers Revenge 1 of 3: Cinder block on chest.

The man scoffs, and throws the block out the window. As it falls, he notices the second note on the window sill: Farmers Revenge 2 of 3: Cinder block tied to right testacle.

Without ...

A man hates his wife’s cat with a passion and decides to get rid of it once and for all.

He drives twenty blocks away from home and drops the cat there. The cat is already walking up the driveway as the man approaches his house. The next day, he decides to drop the cat forty blocks away, but the same thing happens. He keeps on increasing the number of blocks, but the cat keeps on coming...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

You heard your teeth and jaw could bite your fingers off as easily as carrots but your brain blocks it.

Just try not to think of that during your next blowjob.

3 girls and thier mother were walking through a park...

Girl 1 turned to her mother and said...

Girl 1: Mommy, why is my name Lily?

Mom: Because when we took you out of the Hospital, a Lily petal fell on your head.

The second Daughter, now curious, asks the same question...

Girl 2: Why is my name Rose?

Mom: When we took...

They're making a movie where Chronos blocks the passage of time.

It's about god-dammed time.

A man is driving to work when he notices the flash of a traffic camera.

He figures that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knows that he wasn’t speeding. Just to be sure, he circles the block and passes the exact same spot, driving even slower this time through. Again, the camera flashes. He thinks it is hilarious, since he was obviously ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two cops, a man and a woman were heading out for a day's work, walking the beat with a police dog at their side...

A few blocks away from the station, the woman suddenly stops. "Dammit! I was in such a hurry to get ready, I forgot my panties back at the station. We have to go back."

"No we don't," the male cop says. "Old Ralphy here is specially trained at evidence retrieval. Just let him sniff your crotc...

Did you hear about the guy who had writers block?

He stopped writing and it was

My girlfriend was being very suspicious so I followed her, and now I have a huge problem

I need some advice guys. Recently my gf has been receiving too many calls during very odd hours of the night. She has also been coming home very late saying that she was at a team building meeting at work. I called her boss, and he said they've not had any such meeting for the past month. So yesterd...

What do you call it when you don’t want to talk to someone in Minecraft?

You block them.


P.S. Happy ten years Minecraft.

Back in the days of the USSR, two men stood in a block-long line for cucumbers...

Suddenly one of them snaps, and yells "This is an outrage! Waiting for hours for a couple of lousy cucumbers! I'm going to the Kremlin to assassinate the fools responsible for this!" and stomps off. A couple hours later, he's back.
One of the other people in line asks "Did you kill the guy...

Guarding a block of ice

A guard was keeping tabs on a block of ice. Just when his shift was almost over a small man appeared out of nowhere. Startled, the guard raised a gun and shouted, "stay back! What do you want?"

The small man answered, "I am but a humble gnome seeking a small piece of ice."

"I h...

There is an initiative...

There is an initiative by the US government and the American Dairy Counsel that cheese needs to be sold only in block form. By doing this we could make America Grate Again.

In Newcastle, England many people don't like to live above the seventh floor in a tower block

They have a fear of Eights

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

TETRIS is like a cock block

Gamers don't wanna put it down.

A man in the bar offers to bet anyone $100 that his dog can talk.

At first everyone is dubious, but after the man clarifies he means complete grammatically correct sentences, and they make sure there are no hidden devices on the dog, several bets are made.

The man: Well, Charley?

Charley lifts his paw.

The man: Charley, come on, say something...

A man is walking at night in Belfast in the 70's...

He's nervous, but his hotel is only a few blocks away.

Unfortunately, as he passes a dark alley, he's grabbed. He feels a knife at his throat, and a voice asks

"Catholic or Protestant?"

Sweating cold sweat, his mind is racing. If he says "Catholic" and the attacker is Protestan...

There were three restauraunts on the same block....

There were three restauraunts on the same block. One day one of them put up a sign which said "The Best Restaurant in the City."
The next day, the largest restaurant on the block put up a larger sign which said "The Best Restaurant in the World."

On the third day, the smallest restaurant p...

A penguin driving through the desert

started to have car trouble, so he decided to drive to the nearest mechanic to get his car checked out. After he dropped his car off, he decided to walk down the block to get some ice cream, since it was a particularly hot day. Unfortunately, he was only able to devour about half of his vanilla cone...

My wife has been around the block a few dozen times, if you know what I mean.

She's a mail carrier.

I prefer to buy rental properties that take up an entire city block or more.

I'm in it for the long hall.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A whole city block is burning, and fire trucks from all about are called in, and trying to take down the flames when...

This old, ancient, piece of junk fire truck drives right in the middle of the fire, and takes complete control of the situation; saving the day. After hours, and hours of of fire fighting, the reporters can't wait to interview the captain of this mysterious savior that came out of nowhere.
...

A man working at the Federal Reserve

A man working at the Federal Reserve was hired to manufacture pennies. On his first day, the supervisor walked him around the manufacturing area.

“This first machine melts down large blocks of metal. The liquid metal is then poured into a mold that makes a smaller block. That smaller block ...

I left my house for a five-mile-run this morning. But when I got a block away, I had to turn around and go back because I forgot something.

I forgot I can't run five miles.

It stretched halfway around the block and got turned backwards.

A punchline walked into a bar.

The policeman

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed.

Just then, his wi...

Three men go to hell

Three men go to hell and the Devil offers them all a second chance on earth as long as they can out smart him. The first man steps up and says "I'm gonna melt this block of cheese and I bet you can't put it back together." The man melts the cheese and the Devil puts his hands over it, turning it bac...

My friend was arrested after carving equations into blocks of quartz

He was charged with manufacture of crystal math

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Men will be men

While trying to avoid hitting a dog, I lost control of my two wheeler and landed in a ditch by the side of road. With some difficulty, as I crawled out of the ditch, a beautiful woman who had stopped her car and came to help me asked "Are you okay?"

"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulle...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Big Ed joke

EDIT: Best told at parties. Draaaaggg it out before hitting them with the groaner, and walk away all pleased with yourself. :)

​

In a dusty one-street Old West town — the kind of place with muddy roads, one hotel, two whorehouses, and three saloons, all on the same block — t...

The Bee Joke

Once, there was a bee who lived in a very complex bee hive. All the bees residing in this hive lived very happily with their own tasks and aspirations. However, this particular bee, named Bart, was quite special. He was an incredibly intelligent bee who matured and learned far faster than his bee pe...

A plumber told me an interesting thing, the best call he ever went to was when some kid had dropped a pear down the toilet.

He said it was the easiest call he'd ever been to, all he had to do was flush the toilet, and it cleared the block.

Because a flush beats a pear every time.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The year: 2029. A brilliant scientist is constructing the first sentient artificial intelligence.

He's working out of his garage in San Francisco, living on charitable donations from his worried friends. He dropped out of college when he realized he could change the world — there's no going back; his life is dedicated to this project. At first, he is met with failure upon failure. But then, he r...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I brought my daughter out for her first drink...

While reading an article about fathers and sons drinking together, I remembered the time I took my daughter out for her first drink.
Off we went to our local bar only two blocks from the house.
I got her a Guinness. She didn't like it, so I drank it.
Then I got her a Killian's she did...

Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times...

Then I pick up the block, and put it back in the toy box.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy was walking down the street when he sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey, miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?"

"Are you nuts?" she replies and walks away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again. "Listen, sir, I'm not that kind of woman. Got it?"

So the guy runs around the next block and faces ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man

Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered m...

Every morning, I get out of bed and run around the block 5 times.

Then I slide the block back under the bed and go back to sleep.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Charles Dickens had writer's block…

He had a contract due for a new novel, but he hadn't even thought of a title yet. He went into the local pub and asked the barman for a Martini.

"Olive, or twist?"

A two foot tall man named Shaw is sentenced to five years in prison

So naturally he’s scared. In particular, he’s scared of a large Dutch prisoner named Reedemps, who runs the cell block and gives the diminutive Shaw beatings on the regular.

Shaw makes friends with his cell mate, Joe, who is also afraid of Reedemps, Together, they hash out a plan to get reve...

A schizophrenic walks into a bar.

A schizophrenic walks into a bar.

A sign above the bar reads "Absolutely No Schizophrenics Served At This Establishment!"

Bartender says "Hello. What can I get you?"

The schizophrenic says "a shot of whiskey, and make it a double!"

The schizophrenic says "a shot of whisk...

warning sign on children's alphabet blocks

Letters may be used to construct words, phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive.