UPJOKE
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I was assaulted by a man with a block of cheese.

I mean, how dairy!

There I was at the supermarket, minding my own business, when a man out of nowhere came up and threw a whole block of cheese at me!

Real mature.

Someone keeps dropping off random Lego blocks in front of my door every morning.

I …don’t know what to make of it.

I accidentally got anti aging cream on my block of cheddar

I’ve now got milk all over the kitchen top

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Some jerk glued every card in my deck together so now its just a block of cardboard.

I'm having trouble dealing with it.

A guy is jailed for the first time...

A guy is imprisoned for his first time


On his first night, a few minutes after lights-out, his cellmate moves closer to the cell-bars.

A while later, someone from another cell shouts "Number 13!". His cellmate and the entire block bursts into laughter. The new prisoner finds this s...

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving twenty blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was calmly walking up the driveway.

The next day, he decided to drive forty blocks away and leave the cat there. But as he pulled into his driveway, the cat was there.

He kept taking the cat farther and farther, but the cat would always beat him home....

A guy walks into a restaurant and orders minced pork shoulder and ham, pressed it into a block and served in a can.

POST REMOVED

**Rule 3 - No Spam posts.**

Little Timmy wants to take the dog for a walk and ask his mom if he can take her around the block.

The mom knows the dog is in heat but doesn't want to tell Timmy he can't take the dog for a walk and open that can of worms with little Timmy on what it means and tread down the 'birds and the bees', so instead she tells little Timmy to go ask his dad instead.

So little Timmy goes out to the...

I went to the doctor's about my blocked ear, "Which ear is it ?" he asked...

It's 2022 I replied..

Have you ever been walking behind someone and they're slow and you can't get around them no matter what you do and then you try to pass them and at the very last second they turn right in front of you and block you and you get frustrated?

Anyway, I need bail.

A priest, a lawyer and an engineer are to be guillotined.

The priest puts his head on the block, the rope is pulled but nothing happens. He claims he has been saved by divine intervention and is released.

The lawyer puts his head on the block, but again, nothing happens, he claims he can't be executed twice for the same crime and is set free.
...

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A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown.

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

...

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When he was a little boy, Jonny loved tractors.

His wallpapers? Tractors. His toys? Just tractors? His clothing? All tractor-themed. Until one day, he was given the chance to ride in the cockpit of a tractor on his 6th birthday. He was sadly nearly crushed by the tractors wheels when he fell out of the cab, and the experience so traumatised him, ...

A guy is spending his first night in prison

He hears someone in another cell shout out "37!" and the whole cell block bursts out laughing.

Another guy shouts out "74!" Same thing.

"46!" and everyone loses their minds.

He asks his cellmate "What's going on? Why are the numbers so funny?"

"Well we've all been here so...

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A blonde, a redhead and a brunette all live in the same apartment block and are in the lift together.

The brunette notices a very questionable and quite fresh semen stain on the wall of the lift.
"Look at that' she said. The redhead looks and says " Is that what I think it is? That's disgusting! Who would do such a thing?"
The blonde goes over to the stain, dabs her finger in it, tastes it and...

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Four prisoners are killed in a prison bus accident

A drug dealer, a car thief, a bank robber and a rapist all die and are sent immediately to hell. Once there Satan begins checking his documents and says he isn’t ready for them. He says “you died a little too soon. So we don’t have anywhere to put you. I will be clearing out a few places for you but...

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Young man moves into an apartment block….

On the first day he discovers the neighbour across the hall is a stunningly beautiful girl with a gorgeous body.

One day he’s just about to enter his apartment and his neighbour opens her door, she is just wearing a black lace negligee with matching panties, he can’t help but stare.

S...

A little girl wants to take her dog for a walk, so she asks her mother whether she can take Lulu for a walk around the block.

Her mother says “No, sweetie. Lulu is in heat”.
“What does that mean?”, asks the girl.
“Go and ask your father in the garage”, says the mother.

So the girl goes to her father in the garage and asks “I want to take Lulu for a walk, but mum says she’s in heat and to ask you about it”. ...

A man really hated his wife’s cat. One day, he put the cat in his car and took it to the end of the block and let it go. When he got home he saw that the cat had beat him home.

Undeterred, he put the cat in the car and took it a few miles across the city and tossed it out the car again. Upon returning home, he was astonished to see that the cat had beat him home again.

Determined at this point, the man took the cat and drove him across the city, over the river, thro...

A man is hiking along a narrow mountain path.

As he's walking round a bend he sees a beautiful, and completely naked women walking towards him. As she gets closer he realised that with a steep rock wall on one side and a sheer drop on the other, there's no way the two of them will be able to pass safely. So he takes one last look at the woman a...

I apologize in advance

There was this guy named Barley Chown who produced knockoffs of famous designer brands, and was always trying to sell them in major retail stores. The head of purchasing at one store was named Sue Lee, and her policy was to never buy knockoffs as they competed with the more profitable designer bran...

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A guy goes into the store to buy condoms...

He grabs the condoms and as he's paying, he puts his card into the chip reader and the card gets declined. The old lady in line behind him says:

Old lady: You just got cock blocked by VISA!

What did the pee say when it was blocked by a kidney stone?

"Urine my way."

The Boy who Speaks in Coffee

There was once an Italian boy who was born to a pair of baristas. Unfortunately, he was born with a mental defect which meant that his vocabulary would be formed very early, and would be highly associative. As his parents worked around the clock to support their new son, his vocabulary quickly becam...

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A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, “Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?”

“Are you nuts?!” – she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

“Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?” – he asks again.

“Listen you; I’m not that kind of woman! Got it?” So the guy runs around the ...

So this young chap had always fancied this girl

All though high school he had admired her from afar. But never had the courage to ask her out.

Come the Prom he thinks to himself, if he doesn't ask now, it's never going to happen. So straightening his jacket, slicking back his hair, he puts his heart in his hands goes up to her and asks;...

I read about a guy that blocked an entire river with nothing but legumes

Dam thats nuts

My wife finally had enough of my "childish" hobbies and made me choose between my collection of plastic blocks and my fantasy costumes.

After making a hard decision, I'm now a legoless Legolas.

Upon Arriving Home, A Husband Was Met At The Door By His Sobbing Wife Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him,

"Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it...
This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went withou...

A man and a woman are painfully flirting

The restaurant was practically empty, save for them. The man and the woman sat in silence, each waiting for the other to begin.

The man started.

"H-Hi." **Oh god, I sound like an idiot.**

"...Hi." *My Voice! Please come out!*

"So...uh...um...do w-weather?" **What is wrong...

Reza was walking the down the block

He saw a man standing by himself laughing,
Curious, he went to ask the guy what is he laughing at. The guy said, I'm telling jokes to myself.
Just as Reza wanted to move past him
The guy started laughing hysterically
Then again reza asked what happened?
Then the guy responded:
I h...

A man spends his first night in prison...

Right after lights out, he is surprised to hear someone yell "42!", after which the entire cell block erupts in laughter.

Soon after, another inmate yells "17!", and again there's uproarious laughter and applause.

He asks his cellmate to explain. His cellmate tells him that all th...

Cutting down a tree with a block of cheese is easy.

You just gotta make sure it's extra sharp.

It's been 2 days and it's driving me crazy but I can't remember the name of those small blocks with which kids and adults build stuff.

My wife tells me to Lego of it but I can't.

Why did the block of cheese run in the US presidential election?

Because he wanted to make America grate again.

I got kicked out of our Writers Block support group today

It made me really

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2 nuns are in a car at a stop light in Transylvania when a vampire blocks their car...

One nun says to the other “Quick sister, show him your cross!”

The other nun rolls down the window and yells “Get the bloody hell out of middle of the road asshole!”

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Did you hear about the Lego prostitute?

They’ve got customers lined up for blocks.

Smart

A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse strapped around his neck. He walks up to the meat case and calmly sits there until it's his turn to be helped. A man, who was already in the butcher shop, finished his purchase and noticed the dog. The butcher leaned over the counter and asked the dog wha...

Last night I was walking home.

I was halfway down an alleyway when this guy approaching me blocked my path and pulled out a knife.

"Give me your wallet," he ordered, "and nobody gets hurt."

"I don't know," I replied, "disappointment can be painful."

Two miners got trapped in a dark tunnel after a mine collapse, blocking their way in, and cutting off the power and lights.

One miner remained calm. He knew that there was other exits from the mine, but in the complete darkness, he had no way to navigate. He remained trapped.

The other miner started panicking. It was so dark, he had a wife and kids at home, he didn’t want to die like this. He was hyperventilating....

An Irishman was So drunk he couldn't stand up!

An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. When he stands up to leave, he falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, but to no avail. Again, he falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stands u...

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat." "What does that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he is in the garage."

The little girl went to the garage and asked "Dad, may I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said that Susie was in heat, and to come talk to you."
Dad said, " Bring Susie over here" He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear-end with it and said,...

I’m sitting here thinking about leaving my husband. He hasn’t been intimate with me since our son died. I would leave right now,

But the ambulance is still in the drive way blocking my car.

A radiologist had fallen on hard times. Looking around for what he could eat, he saw that his keyboard didn't have safety warnings suggesting it wasn't edible. After getting so far, he began having stomach pains, so he decided to take an X-ray. He found an asterisk...

...blocking the colon.

When your canals don't work like they used to before, And I can't sweep past by your fleet, Will your cargo still remember the haste that I drove? Will your passage be blocked up for weeks?

'Cause, honey, your hull will always go slow, it's evergreen.



\~Capt. Ed Sheeran

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A Day Playing Golf

A husband loved to play golf, but he and his wife were so busy with their jobs and tending to the home and kids that he wasn’t able to go out very often.

After a really busy stretch for both of them, he just had to take a day on the links, so he struck a deal with his wife. He would go on the...

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The first thing a man looks at in a woman, is her heart.

The fact that her breasts block the view is not our fault.

Netflix is producing a documentary about the end of BlockBuster....

Thats like if the school shooters produced "Bowling for Columbine"

A young Nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, there was a gas station just one block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.




The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he loaned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.
...

The doctor's office blocked my number after I kept calling about Pokemon.

I don't know what the hell they're taking about, but I really need someone to take a look at this bulbous sore I have.

I was walking down the street earlier when some guy threw a block of cheese at me

I thought to myself, "That's not very mature."

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I read in the school newsletter today that there were kids in the school toilet block pissing up the wall to see how high they could reach

Anyway, apparently the school principal heard about this and was fuming, so he stormed over to the toilets and hit the roof!

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A Gentleman Is Walking Down The Street With A Duck

On the way he runs into a friend of his. The friend inquires about why he's holding the duck. To which the man replies:

"I know I have to get rid of it, but I love this duck. I'd have to trade it to someone who wants it and I just can't see myself letting it go for nothing. This is absolutely...

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Three men go to Hell [Long]

One random night 3 men went out drinking and having a good time. Drunk, swaying side to side, they decided it was a good idea to walk down the middle of a road. As they get further down the road a truck came through and didn't see them. All three men were hit and died instantly. These 3 men were al...

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Cedric decided to be a pimp.

Cedric and his wife were short on cash so he decided to pimp out his wife. He dressed her up and put her out at a street corner. Then he parked a block away.

Soon a John pulled up and asked her, “How much?”
The wife replied, “$20 for a blowie.”

The John pulled o...

What do Canadian geese, and Canadian truckers have in common?

They block the roads and honk

I was in the supermarket the other day when this guy threw a block of cheddar at me.

Outraged, I shouted : "Well that's not very mature is it ?"

What does a german guy call his block of cheese?

Mein Kraft

How do you imprison a NFT?

You tie it up with a block chain.

When I was young, women were chasing me all around the block

But I got too old for stealing handbags.

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Cock blocked

If a guy gets cock blocked does a woman get beaver dammed

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Turns out using ad block pisses off more people than I originally thought.

None of the hot singles in my area wanted to have sex with me after I installed it.

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And nun walks into a liquor store

So, a nun walks into a liquor store and asks the guy behind the counter for a fifth of vodka.

The guy thinks a minute, and says, “Sister, I can’t sell you booze. You’re a nun!”

The nun giggles nervously and says, “Oh, it’s not for me. It’s for Mother Superior.” Then she leans forward a...

A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining…

… and put his head out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from, just in time to see a young woman looking down.
"Is this yours?" He asked.
She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed. On arrival she was profuse i...

Friend : I have got Diabetes type 1

Me : 1

He blocked me, no idea what wrong I did.

A photographer was badly hurt this morning when a huge block of cheese fell on him.

Everyone posing for the wedding party picture had tried to warn him.

i rubbed a lamp once and a genie came out of it

he said i'll grant you one wish, i said i wish i could talk to cheese

*poof* he granted my wish and disappeared

a few days later i'm in my house, and i open the fridge out of boredom and i see this block of cheese

and it said to me: "hey mister, i don't wanna stay in your fridge...

A penguin in the desert

A penguin is driving through the desert when all of the sudden his car starts spewing smoke from under the hood and slows down. He manages to drive it to a small desert town and sees an auto mechanic’s shop and pulls in. The mechanic tells him he’s a little busy but can take a look at his car in a...

A man holding a large block of asphalt walks into a bar.

He says to the bartender, "A beer for me, and one for the road."

Just learned that a dentist a block away from me was arrested for dealing drugs. Shows you how wrong you can be about people. I had been going to him him for over ten years.

Never knew he was a dentist.

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Everyone on Cell Block "D" burst into raucous laughter when one of the inmates shouted, "Joke 872!"

Then, another inmate shouted, "Joke 74!" and everyone laughed heartily.

A new inmate turned to his cellmate and asked, "What's that all about?"

"Oh," said the cellmate, "those are references to our master joke book. Instead of telling the whole joke, you just shout out the joke's numb...

I was walking home last night and someone threw a block of cheese out the window and it hit me on the head...

I turned and shouted "That wasn't very mature was it?"

Most blocks in Minecraft are one square meter. Where in Minecraft can you find a block that has only two square feet?

Whichever one the player’s standing on.

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AdBlock ruined my sex life

There are no more hot singles near me

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I hate those drivers that try to overtake you on a main road doing 40. I always try to slow down and block them, no matter how much they horn or flash their lights.

Fuck ambulances, I swear.

Jane Goodall has blocked my number!

Didn't appreciate me sending her photos of macaque.

Danny DeVito was behind bars, allegedly for financial crimes against his wife...

During his stint in lockdown, he earned the nickname, "Powerhouse."

His new cellmate, seeing how short and squat and old he was, asked him, "Man, how did you ever get the name 'powerhouse?'"

"It's short for 'the powerhouse of the cell block." But his cellmate still looked perplexed, so...

I won a duel using a block of cheese last week. How you might ask?

It was extra sharp.

A man finds a well in the desert...

As he can't see how deep it is or if there's any water in it, he decides to drop something down the hole and rely on the sounds it will make. But all he can find that isn't sand, is a large and quite heavy rectangular block of stone.
With great effort he pushes the big stone to the well and fin...

Went to see my doctor about a blocked ear

He asked me to describe the symptoms.
I said “homer is a fat bloke and marge has blue hair”

I blocked a girl for correcting my grammar

It feelded good

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Hitler built a boat in pixelated blocks and named it

Mein Kraft

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What do you call it when you get cock-blocked by Vladimir Putin?

Erection interference

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Luigi walks to work 20 blocks everyday and passes a shoe store twice everyday.

Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Armani leather shoes.

He wants those shoes so much...it's all he can think about.

After about 2 months he saves the price
of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.

Every Friday night the Italian community
holds a dance ...

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Sister Mary Katherine lived in a convent, a block away from Jack's liquor store. One day, in walked Sister Mary Katherine and she said "Oh Jack, cud ye be after givin' me a pint o' brandy?”

“Sister Mary Katherine!" exclaimed Jack "I could never do that! I've never sold alcohol to a nun in me life!" "Oh Jack, me lad" she responded "tis only for the Mother Superior.” Her voice dropped. "It will be helpin' her with the constipation, you know.”

So Jack sold her the brandy. Later tha...

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Cows and ideologies (long)

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots...

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What a strange bar (long)

A salesman had to make a cold call in a city he had never visited. He checked into a hotel the night before his presentation. Bored, he decided to take a walk and find a bar nearby. He found a nice little bar about a block away, sat down at a table and ordered a drink. He noticed 4 walnuts sitti...

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A russian, an american and a dane are drinking beer, and get into a bragging contest.

The russian says: "Our navy is so large that if all the ships set out to sea at once, the fish in the ocean won't have a single spot where they can reach the surface"

The american looks sceptically at him and says: "Well, our mighty airforce is so large that if all the planes take off at once...

What did the block mason say before he fired his employee for doing a poor job making sewer covers?

I'm about to end his manhole's career

Ever since I downloaded AdBlock on my computer...

All the local girls in my area seem to have lost interest.

Every day for the past week there have been more and more Toyota’s parked on my block.

I think the Corrola virus has arrived.

Over the past year, I've been blocking every account that's reposted a joke.

It's so lonely in here now.

What happens when an NFL player is denied a chiropractor?

Crackback block

What did the cow say to his wife when she blocked the tv?

Moooove over

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Starbucks announced they will soon block porn websites from their public access Wifi

Good thing all I need is that two-tailed mermaid.

A man sat in the pub.

He had been there all day from 3 onwards. As sunset was approaching he was still there. Midnight was closing time so the bartender asked him to leave.

The man, now very, very drunk from a day of non-stop drinking, stood up and fell over flat on his face. He tried standing up again, once agai...

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Four Gentlemen Are out Golfing ,,,

Four older gentlemen are out golfing, sharing about their lives and eventually the topic of their children’s professional success is brought up. The first guy steps up, hurriedly takes his shot, knocks the ball off into the woods, and starts walking to find his ball without saying a word…
The s...

Somone hit me with a block of cheese yesterday

I turnt arround and said 'That was mature wasn't it? '

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Not a repost (true story, too)

One day I was walking to school with my friends in a very busy city. The school was about ten-ish blocks away from where we met up, and sure, there's always crap on the ground (whether from a human or a dog) and homeless people, but otherwise it's pretty much what you'd expect.

This particula...

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Swim Race

A local pool was holding a swim meet for the disabled. There were three contestants, one man had no arms, one man had no legs, and one man was just a disembodied head.


The contestants got up on their blocks and prepared for the race. The starting pistol fired and the three men dove into...

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What would you call a “cock-block” in Canada?

a beaver dam

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