The 113+ Best Block Jokes

A man really hated his wife’s cat. One day, he put the cat in his car and took it to the end of the block and let it go. When he got home he saw that the cat had beat him home.

Undeterred, he put the cat in the car and took it a few miles across the city and tossed it out the car again. Upon returning home, he was astonished to see that the cat had beat him home again.

Determined at this point, the man took the cat and drove him across the city, over the river, thro...

I was assaulted by a man with a block of cheese.

I mean, how dairy!

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park...

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

When he reached his driveway, there was the cat.

He kept taking the cat further and further but the cat would always beat h...

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Young man moves into an apartment block….

On the first day he discovers the neighbour across the hall is a stunningly beautiful girl with a gorgeous body.

One day he’s just about to enter his apartment and his neighbour opens her door, she is just wearing a black lace negligee with matching panties, he can’t help but stare.

S...

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Some jerk glued every card in my deck together so now its just a block of cardboard.

I'm having trouble dealing with it.

Someone keeps dropping off random Lego blocks in front of my door every morning.

I …don’t know what to make of it.

The doctor's office blocked my number after I kept calling about Pokemon.

I don't know what the hell they're taking about, but I really need someone to take a look at this bulbous sore I have.

A guy walks into a restaurant and orders minced pork shoulder and ham, pressed it into a block and served in a can.

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A man holding a large block of asphalt walks into a bar.

He says to the bartender, "A beer for me, and one for the road."

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat." "What does that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he is in the garage."

The little girl went to the garage and asked "Dad, may I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said that Susie was in heat, and to come talk to you."
Dad said, " Bring Susie over here" He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear-end with it and said,...

Have you ever been walking behind someone and they're slow and you can't get around them no matter what you do and then you try to pass them and at the very last second they turn right in front of you and block you and you get frustrated?

Anyway, I need bail.

A guy goes to jail. First night after lights out he hears someone yell out, "49!", then the entire cell block bursts out laughing.

A few moments later, someone else yells out, "88!", and everyone laughs again.

The new inmate turns to his cellmate and asks, "What's with the numbers? Why is everyone laughing?"

His inmate replies, "Well, we've all been here so long we've heard every joke. Instead of telling the entir...

I told my wife a joke about blocking a river but she got annoyed.

I said “why are you so upset? it’s just a dam joke”

There I was at the supermarket, minding my own business, when a man out of nowhere came up and threw a whole block of cheese at me!

Real mature.

Elon Musk is considering removing blocking from Twitter

Which means your only options for defense will now be dodge and counter.

You know, there was this IQ test designer suffering from the worst writer's block

He'd make decent progress, working out patterns like 'circle-3, triangle-2...' but no matter what, he always found himself going back to 'square-1'.

A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining…

… and put his head out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from, just in time to see a young woman looking down.
"Is this yours?" He asked.
She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed. On arrival she was profuse i...

Ever since I downloaded AdBlock on my computer...

All the local girls in my area seem to have lost interest.

Little Timmy wants to take the dog for a walk and ask his mom if he can take her around the block.

The mom knows the dog is in heat but doesn't want to tell Timmy he can't take the dog for a walk and open that can of worms with little Timmy on what it means and tread down the 'birds and the bees', so instead she tells little Timmy to go ask his dad instead.

So little Timmy goes out to the...

A young Nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, there was a gas station just one block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.

The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he loaned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.
...

Cutting down a tree with a block of cheese is easy.

You just gotta make sure it's extra sharp.

Why did the block of cheese run in the US presidential election?

Because he wanted to make America grate again.

I got kicked out of our Writers Block support group today

It made me really

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2 nuns are in a car at a stop light in Transylvania when a vampire blocks their car...

One nun says to the other “Quick sister, show him your cross!”

The other nun rolls down the window and yells “Get the bloody hell out of middle of the road asshole!”

Hundreds of armed men, snipers on the roofs, traffic blocked. What is that?

Peace conference.

What do you call it when someone's working on an erotic novel and gets writer's block?

Textual frustration.

What do you call a dollar frozen in a block of ice?

Cold hard cash.

I accidentally got anti aging cream on my block of cheddar

I’ve now got milk all over the kitchen top

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Making a block of cheese out of scrap is horrible.

It is absolutely de-grating.

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A blonde, a redhead and a brunette all live in the same apartment block and are in the lift together.

The brunette notices a very questionable and quite fresh semen stain on the wall of the lift.
"Look at that' she said. The redhead looks and says " Is that what I think it is? That's disgusting! Who would do such a thing?"
The blonde goes over to the stain, dabs her finger in it, tastes it and...

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AdBlock ruined my sex life

There are no more hot singles near me

My friends were blocking highways in order to protest and were eventually arrested

For human trafficking

I went to the doctor's about my blocked ear, "Which ear is it ?" he asked...

It's 2022 I replied..

I read about a guy that blocked an entire river with nothing but legumes

Dam thats nuts

Went to see my doctor about a blocked ear

He asked me to describe the symptoms.
I said “homer is a fat bloke and marge has blue hair”

Reza was walking the down the block

He saw a man standing by himself laughing,
Curious, he went to ask the guy what is he laughing at. The guy said, I'm telling jokes to myself.
Just as Reza wanted to move past him
The guy started laughing hysterically
Then again reza asked what happened?
Then the guy responded:
I h...

My wife finally had enough of my "childish" hobbies and made me choose between my collection of plastic blocks and my fantasy costumes.

After making a hard decision, I'm now a legoless Legolas.

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Cock blocked

If a guy gets cock blocked does a woman get beaver dammed

A priest, a lawyer and an engineer are to be guillotined.

The priest puts his head on the block, the rope is pulled but nothing happens. He claims he has been saved by divine intervention and is released.

The lawyer puts his head on the block, but again, nothing happens, he claims he can't be executed twice for the same crime and is set free.
...

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Luigi walks to work 20 blocks everyday and passes a shoe store twice everyday.

Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Armani leather shoes.

He wants those shoes so much...it's all he can think about.

After about 2 months he saves the price
of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.

Every Friday night the Italian community
holds a dance ...

What did the pee say when it was blocked by a kidney stone?

"Urine my way."

A guy is jailed for the first time...

A guy is imprisoned for his first time

On his first night, a few minutes after lights-out, his cellmate moves closer to the cell-bars.

A while later, someone from another cell shouts "Number 13!". His cellmate and the entire block bursts into laughter. The new prisoner finds this s...

Netflix is producing a documentary about the end of BlockBuster....

Thats like if the school shooters produced "Bowling for Columbine"

Two miners got trapped in a dark tunnel after a mine collapse, blocking their way in, and cutting off the power and lights.

One miner remained calm. He knew that there was other exits from the mine, but in the complete darkness, he had no way to navigate. He remained trapped.

The other miner started panicking. It was so dark, he had a wife and kids at home, he didn’t want to die like this. He was hyperventilating....

I was in the supermarket the other day when this guy threw a block of cheddar at me.

Outraged, I shouted : "Well that's not very mature is it ?"

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I read in the school newsletter today that there were kids in the school toilet block pissing up the wall to see how high they could reach

Anyway, apparently the school principal heard about this and was fuming, so he stormed over to the toilets and hit the roof!

It's been 2 days and it's driving me crazy but I can't remember the name of those small blocks with which kids and adults build stuff.

My wife tells me to Lego of it but I can't.

When your canals don't work like they used to before, And I can't sweep past by your fleet, Will your cargo still remember the haste that I drove? Will your passage be blocked up for weeks?

'Cause, honey, your hull will always go slow, it's evergreen.

\~Capt. Ed Sheeran

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Hitler built a boat in pixelated blocks and named it

Mein Kraft

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A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, “Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?”

“Are you nuts?!” – she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

“Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?” – he asks again.

“Listen you; I’m not that kind of woman! Got it?” So the guy runs around the ...

I heard my buddy talking with a blocked nose and he seemed to be in pain

I asked him "What's wrong with your nose?"
He said "I got a seenus problem", with a nasally voice.
I said, "Sinus. You mean sinus?"
He said "No, seenus. I was bangin' this chick and her husband came home and he seen us."

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I hate those drivers that try to overtake you on a main road doing 40. I always try to slow down and block them, no matter how much they horn or flash their lights.

Fuck ambulances, I swear.

When I was young, women were chasing me all around the block

But I got too old for stealing handbags.

A photographer was badly hurt this morning when a huge block of cheese fell on him.

Everyone posing for the wedding party picture had tried to warn him.

Just learned that a dentist a block away from me was arrested for dealing drugs. Shows you how wrong you can be about people. I had been going to him him for over ten years.

Never knew he was a dentist.

I won a duel using a block of cheese last week. How you might ask?

It was extra sharp.

I blocked a girl for correcting my grammar

It feelded good

I was walking home last night and someone threw a block of cheese out the window and it hit me on the head...

I turned and shouted "That wasn't very mature was it?"

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Turns out using ad block pisses off more people than I originally thought.

None of the hot singles in my area wanted to have sex with me after I installed it.

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Everyone on Cell Block "D" burst into raucous laughter when one of the inmates shouted, "Joke 872!"

Then, another inmate shouted, "Joke 74!" and everyone laughed heartily.

A new inmate turned to his cellmate and asked, "What's that all about?"

"Oh," said the cellmate, "those are references to our master joke book. Instead of telling the whole joke, you just shout out the joke's numb...

Back in the days of the USSR, two men stood in a block-long line for cucumbers...

Suddenly one of them snaps, and yells "This is an outrage! Waiting for hours for a couple of lousy cucumbers! I'm going to the Kremlin to assassinate the fools responsible for this!" and stomps off. A couple hours later, he's back.
One of the other people in line asks "Did you kill the guy...

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Sister Mary Katherine lived in a convent, a block away from Jack's liquor store. One day, in walked Sister Mary Katherine and she said "Oh Jack, cud ye be after givin' me a pint o' brandy?”

“Sister Mary Katherine!" exclaimed Jack "I could never do that! I've never sold alcohol to a nun in me life!" "Oh Jack, me lad" she responded "tis only for the Mother Superior.” Her voice dropped. "It will be helpin' her with the constipation, you know.”

So Jack sold her the brandy. Later tha...

A large and powerful kingdom conquered their wealthy neighbor only to discover its treasure was all hidden away.

Only the count from the conquered kingdom knew where the gold was hidden but he refused to tell.

The conquerors took him to the dungeon, placed his head on the chopping block, and told him:

“This is your last chance! Tell us where the gold is or off comes your head!”

Beads of s...

A woman was walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.

A cop was approaching from about a block away, thinking to himself, "Boy, my eyes must be going. It looks like that woman is hanging out of her blouse."

But, as he got closer, it became apparent that she really was hanging out her blouse.

When the officer got face to face with the woma...

What did the block mason say before he fired his employee for doing a poor job making sewer covers?

I'm about to end his manhole's career

Every day for the past week there have been more and more Toyota’s parked on my block.

I think the Corrola virus has arrived.

Upon Arriving Home, A Husband Was Met At The Door By His Sobbing Wife Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him,

"Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it...
This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went withou...

Over the past year, I've been blocking every account that's reposted a joke.

It's so lonely in here now.

Most blocks in Minecraft are one square meter. Where in Minecraft can you find a block that has only two square feet?

Whichever one the player’s standing on.

A guy is spending his first night in prison

He hears someone in another cell shout out "37!" and the whole cell block bursts out laughing.

Another guy shouts out "74!" Same thing.

"46!" and everyone loses their minds.

He asks his cellmate "What's going on? Why are the numbers so funny?"

"Well we've all been here so...

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What do you call it when you get cock-blocked by Vladimir Putin?

Erection interference

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Starbucks announced they will soon block porn websites from their public access Wifi

Good thing all I need is that two-tailed mermaid.

Jane Goodall has blocked my number!

Didn't appreciate me sending her photos of macaque.

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What would you call a “cock-block” in Canada?

a beaver dam

If you want to impress a date, don't tell them you use AdBlock

I installed it the other day and now none of the hot singles even want to talk to me

What did the cow say to his wife when she blocked the tv?

Moooove over

I've heard there is a guy in our block who is spying on his neighbors.

That's nonsense, I would have noticed that long ago.

What weighs more, a 50kg block of iron or a 50kg woman?

The woman - they always lie about their weight

Somone hit me with a block of cheese yesterday

I turnt arround and said 'That was mature wasn't it? '

Just How Smart Was Einstein?

This is a TRUE STORY but hopefully you will find some humor in it.

Back in the early 70s, when I was a college student, I took care of the yard of a lonely widower, named Arthur, who occasionally asked me to join him for a game of chess. He resided in Paradise Valley, AZ. During WWII, Arth...

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What is 10 blocks long and never had sex?

The line for the Nintendo Switch

I paid $3 for a block of metal yesterday

It was really quite the steel

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Cock blocks are like sunblock

They both block hot stuff

(I'm sorry for this bad joke)

The police get a call about a house two blocks away when on the night shift...

The caller doesn't say much but she says she often sees lots of money coming and going from the house and hears machines running all night and day.

The police put together a swat team just in case things go sideways.

They bust down the door to the house and find row upon row of washin...

My friend is a chess master from the Soviet block

No really he's my Czech mate

My friend sneaked up behind me, and hit me over the head with a block of cheese

I said “Oh that’s very mature.”

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I broke up with my girlfriend because she screamed too much during sex

Sometimes I could hear it two blocks away

What do you call someone who blocks people on the internet?

The Chinese Government

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A young woman visits a florist to get some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and asks for its price.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Yesterd...

The Chinese have taken over our office block.

That's wong on so many levels.

I was showing an Aussie mate around the back blocks of New Zealand’s fabulous South Island.

We came across a ewe with its head caught in a fence. Not one to waste an opportunity, I got in behind and did the business (as you do). The I turned to the Aussie and said, “OK, mate, it’s your turn.”

So he got down and stuck his head in the fence!

A stagecoach stops in the forest. The driver says to the guy blocking the road "What are you doing? Who the hell do you think you are?"

"I'm Robbin!"

I have always managed to be the tallest person on my block.

But it has meant moving to smaller and smaller blocks a number of times.

I went out to a fine Italian restaurant last night but there was a large woman blocking the entrance....

I couldn’t get pasta

A man is sentenced to life in prison. His first day on the cell block....

...he is sitting in his cell, when he hears another prisoner shout from down the hall: "27!".

The entire cell block bursts into laughter. A few moments later, another prisoner shouts "55!".

Again, everyone on the cell blocks laughs. This goes on for a while and finally the ne...

Once there is a Family Mom, Snow Flake, Grain of sand and Cinder block

Snow Flake asks her mom "Mom why did you call me Snow Flake?"
And her mom replies " Because when you were born a snow flake fell on your forehead."
Then Grain of sand asks "Mom why did you call me Grain of sand?"
And then mom replies " Because when you were born a grain of sand fell on your...

I once asked a cheese maker if there was any way he could make me a block of cheddar using soy milk.

Hey said, "I'm sorry, but there's no whey."

A coach full of jazz musicians has broken down on the motorway, blocking all lanes.

Police say to expect some long jams.

A man was murdered with a cinder block.

The evidence was concrete.

Hey girl are you blocking a water source

Because... Dam.

My original joke on my tinder profile. Idk if this should be on r/dadjokes

Roosevelt, Churchill, and Stalin are riding in a car in Crimea when suddenly they see a big bull blocking the road.

Roosevelt gets out of the car and asked the bull to move, but the bull doesn't move. Churchill began to plead with the bull to move over, but the bull pays zero attention. Finally, Stalin walks over to the bull and whispers something in its ear, after which the bull sprints off into the distance. In...

I showed a girl my third leg. She blocked me.

I have a bad back so sometimes I use a cane.

So anyway, I found a girl I didn’t know personally and messaged her “Do you want to see my third leg? It’s hard, black, and a lot longer than you’re expecting. I guarantee it.” So she said “Hell yeah! Send it!” So I sent a picture of my cane.
...

Three men arrive simultaneously at the Pearly Gates.

They are greeted by St. Peter, who tells them, "Welcome! Before you can enter heaven, you must be circumcised, and I can see that none of you are. The standard procedure these days is that we remove your foreskin using whatever method your father used to make a living."
To the first guy, he says...

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I took my daughter out for her first drink...

While reading an article about fathers and sons drinking together, I remembered the time I took my daughter out for her first drink.
Off we went to our local bar only two blocks from the house.
I got her a Guinness. She didn't like it, so I drank it.
Then I got her a Killian's she did...

What do you call Hawaiian building blocks?

Leigos

The priest kept chasing the little girl are the block

Before finally catching her. Moving closer to her, he puts his hand on her trembling body and asks, 'whats going on?'The girl replies, 'i'm running away from home', said the kid. 'But why are you running only around the block?', asked the priest. Little girl replies,
'Because i'm not allowed to c...

Dont you hate it when a bunch of trashy women walk in a line and block off the sidewalk for everybody else?

I guess thats why they call it a horizontal line.

They say your child is a 'chip off the old block'

Half of my block is sitting in a sock under my bed

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Builder's block

A building labourer when to see the doctor, complaining of constipation.
'Drop them and I'll have a look.'
The doctor then left the room, returning with a pickaxe - which he swung and hit the man right on the bum hole.

All at once, the man involuntarily passed an enormous bowel movement...

We learned today that Trump blocked a proposed budget change that would have eliminated finding for the Special Olympics.

He must have been pretty mad at the thought of being unable to compete this year.

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Four prisoners are killed in a prison bus accident

A drug dealer, a car thief, a bank robber and a rapist all die and are sent immediately to hell. Once there Satan begins checking his documents and says he isn’t ready for them. He says “you died a little too soon. So we don’t have anywhere to put you. I will be clearing out a few places for you but...

I was stacking rusty blocks yesterday and got poked

I went to the doctor today and he told me I had tetris.

There were three restauraunts on the same block.

. One day one of them put up a sign which said "The Best Restaurant in the City."
The next day, the largest restaurant on the block put up a larger sign which said "The Best Restaurant in the World."

On the third day, the smallest restaurant put up a small sign which said "The Best Restaur...

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