A man really hated his wife’s cat. One day, he put the cat in his car and took it to the end of the block and let it go. When he got home he saw that the cat had beat him home.

Undeterred, he put the cat in the car and took it a few miles across the city and tossed it out the car again. Upon returning home, he was astonished to see that the cat had beat him home again.

Determined at this point, the man took the cat and drove him across the city, over the river, thro...

What do you call Hawaiian building blocks?

Leigos

Once there is a Family Mom, Snow Flake, Grain of sand and Cinder block

Snow Flake asks her mom "Mom why did you call me Snow Flake?"
And her mom replies " Because when you were born a snow flake fell on your forehead."
Then Grain of sand asks "Mom why did you call me Grain of sand?"
And then mom replies " Because when you were born a grain of sand fell on your...

Every morning, I wake up and find that someone has dumped a bunch of LEGO blocks on my porch.

I don’t know what to make of it.

I was just walking down the road when someone threw a full block of cheese at me

I told them “That wasn’t very mature was it?”

My friend is a chess master from the Soviet block

No really he's my Czech mate

My friend sneaked up behind me, and hit me over the head with a block of cheese

I said “Oh that’s very mature.”

Since I've installed Adblock Plus

All the girls in my area suddenly lost their interest in me.

I once asked a cheese maker if there was any way he could make me a block of cheddar using soy milk.

Hey said, "I'm sorry, but there's no whey."

I've heard there is a guy in our block who is spying on his neighbors.

That's nonsense, I would have noticed that long ago.

Just learned that a dentist a block away from me was arrested for dealing drugs. Shows you how wrong you can be about people. I had been going to him him for over ten years.

Never knew he was a dentist.

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An author with writers block decided to go to the woods to clear his head and write his next great book.

He’s alone for 2 months and making progress. One day, while hiking, he sees a burly woodsman chopping a tree. The woodman waved him over and they chat a bit. The woodsman invites the author over to his cabin for a party. The author thinks it’ll be great, he hasn’t had any company in 2 months.
...

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Luigi walks to work 20 blocks everyday and passes a shoe store twice everyday.

Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Armani leather shoes.

He wants those shoes so much...it's all he can think about.

After about 2 months he saves the price
of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.

Every Friday night the Italian community
holds a dance ...

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An Irishman's first drink with his son

I was watching that American TV show "Modern Family" and it got me thinking about the time I took my son out for his first drink.



We went down the street to the local pub, only a couple of blocks away.



I got him a Guinness Stout. He didn't like it, so I drank it.
...

My kid just stacked some letter blocks like so:

F

F

U

T

S

S

I

H

T

You couldn't make this stuff up.

What weighs more, a 50kg block of iron or a 50kg woman?

The woman - they always lie about their weight

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Starbucks announced they will soon block porn websites from their public access Wifi

Good thing all I need is that two-tailed mermaid.

The Chinese have taken over our office block.

That's wong on so many levels.

I was walking down the street when a group of kids threw a block of cheese off me, they burst into laughter and I yelled

“That’s not mature is it”

I was in my house last night, and at around midnight I heard a smash. I ran downstairs and someone had thrown a block of cheese through my window....

Looked at it and thought, that's mature

I have always managed to be the tallest person on my block.

But it has meant moving to smaller and smaller blocks a number of times.

A wizard once turned me into a block of cheese...

I was very grateful.

A mathematician has one foot in a bucket of lava and the other on a block of ice

On average, he's okay.

A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining…

… and put his head out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from, just in time to see a young woman looking down.
"Is this yours?" He asked.
She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed. On arrival she was profuse i...

I woke up this morning and was surprised to find a huge box of LEGO blocks sitting on my front porch.

I have no idea what to make of it.

I paid $3 for a block of metal yesterday

It was really quite the steel

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I was in line behind this guy buying condoms and his card just got declined.

The old lady behind me whispered "He just got cock blocked by visa"

The priest kept chasing the little girl are the block

Before finally catching her. Moving closer to her, he puts his hand on her trembling body and asks, 'whats going on?'The girl replies, 'i'm running away from home', said the kid. 'But why are you running only around the block?', asked the priest. Little girl replies,
'Because i'm not allowed to c...

"Hey teacher, have you seen that block of Sodium?"

Na.

A blonde discovered that most accidents happen within 10 blocks from home...

So she moved.

If you can't hear your boyfriend's truck from 4 blocks away...

..you have husband material right there

A man is sentenced to life in prison. His first day on the cell block....

...he is sitting in his cell, when he hears another prisoner shout from down the hall: "27!".


The entire cell block bursts into laughter. A few moments later, another prisoner shouts "55!".


Again, everyone on the cell blocks laughs. This goes on for a while and finally the ne...

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What is 10 blocks long and never had sex?

The line for the Nintendo Switch

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Builder's block

A building labourer when to see the doctor, complaining of constipation.
'Drop them and I'll have a look.'
The doctor then left the room, returning with a pickaxe - which he swung and hit the man right on the bum hole.

All at once, the man involuntarily passed an enormous bowel movement...

The periodic table just got one block smaller

Scientists now say Plutonium is not a real element

A man holding a large block of asphalt walks into a bar

He says to the bartender, "A beer for me, and one for the road."

A man was murdered with a cinder block.

The evidence was concrete.

There was once a Musician in North Korea

One day, Kim Jong Un himself calls the musician and asks him to direct a concert for his entertainment. Not daring to say no to the Supreme Leader, he agreed.

So the man assembled the best orchestra in all of Korea to play the piece he composed for the Leader. However when it was time to perf...

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A man sleeps with the farmer's daughter...

He wakes up with a cinder block on his chest and a note: Farmers Revenge 1 of 3: Cinder block on chest.

The man scoffs, and throws the block out the window. As it falls, he notices the second note on the window sill: Farmers Revenge 2 of 3: Cinder block tied to right testacle.

Without ...

Dont you hate it when a bunch of trashy women walk in a line and block off the sidewalk for everybody else?

I guess thats why they call it a horizontal line.

Reddit is just like fencing

Your response to anything original is either a block or a riposte.

A man was walking home from work..

When he was 3 blocks away from his house, he hears from behind him....
Bump.......Bump........Bump.....,,,.

He turns around but can’t see anything. He starts running.

The sound gets louder. He looks back and sees a casket jumping and coming after him.

He gets scared and runs ...

They're making a movie where Chronos blocks the passage of time.

It's about god-dammed time.

A Marine who is missing both of his arms walks into the bar...

The bartender - also a former serviceman - spots the guy's SemperFi tattoo and shoves a tall foaming glass of beer in front of him.

"This one is on the house bro", he says.

"Thanks man," said the patron.

"Look" he says... "would you mind to hold the glass up to my mouth?"...

Women on dating sites are so confusing!

They ask for a "genuine guy" then block you when you send.........proof

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TETRIS is like a cock block

Gamers don't wanna put it down.

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While reading an article about fathers and sons drinking together, I remembered the time I took my daughter out for her first drink.

Off we went to our local bar only two blocks from the house.
I got her a Guinness. She didn't like it, so I drank it.
Then I got her a Killian's she didn't like that either, so I drank it.
Finally, I thought she might like some Harp Lager? She didn't. I drank it.

I thought maybe she'...

In Newcastle, England many people don't like to live above the seventh floor in a tower block

They have a fear of Eights

Back in the days of the USSR, two men stood in a block-long line for cucumbers...

Suddenly one of them snaps, and yells "This is an outrage! Waiting for hours for a couple of lousy cucumbers! I'm going to the Kremlin to assassinate the fools responsible for this!" and stomps off. A couple hours later, he's back.
One of the other people in line asks "Did you kill the guy...

What genre would a Minecraft Movie be?

A Block-buster

There were three restauraunts on the same block....

There were three restauraunts on the same block. One day one of them put up a sign which said "The Best Restaurant in the City."
The next day, the largest restaurant on the block put up a larger sign which said "The Best Restaurant in the World."

On the third day, the smallest restaurant p...

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What happens in Vegas

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, 'How much do you charge?' Hooker replies, 'It starts at $500 for a hand-job.'

Guy says, '$500 dollars?! For a hand-job? No hand-job is wort...

My wife has been around the block a few dozen times, if you know what I mean.

She's a mail carrier.

A man hates his wife’s cat with a passion and decides to get rid of it once and for all.

He drives twenty blocks away from home and drops the cat there. The cat is already walking up the driveway as the man approaches his house. The next day, he decides to drop the cat forty blocks away, but the same thing happens. He keeps on increasing the number of blocks, but the cat keeps on coming...

I prefer to buy rental properties that take up an entire city block or more.

I'm in it for the long hall.

My girlfriend was being very suspicious so I followed her, and now I have a huge problem

I need some advice guys. Recently my gf has been receiving too many calls during very odd hours of the night. She has also been coming home very late saying that she was at a team building meeting at work. I called her boss, and he said they've not had any such meeting for the past month. So yesterd...

There's a new prisoner and he was assigned to a cell. On the way to his cell...

he heard one prisoner said "110" and the other prisoners laugh really hard.

Then one more prisoner said "93" and the prisoners laughs again.

When he arrived at his cell, out of curiosity he asked his cell mate why the other prisoners said numbers then everybody laugh?

His cell m...

Where does an executioner go on his walks?

Once around the block

A man was driving when he noticed the flash of a traffic camera.

He figured that his picture had been taken for speeding, even tough he knew he wasn’t. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly. Again the camera flashed. Thinking he was funny, he drove by at a snail’s pace. Two weeks later, he received five ticke...

The Bus

The bus was crowded when the young lady got on, and a soldier attempted to rise.

The lady pushed him back gently, and he tried to stand once more.

"No, no, thank you," she said, pushing him back again.

"Please let me get up, lady," said the soldier. "I'm two blocks past my desti...

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A husband and wife were out playing golf.

They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left .

The Wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups .She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball .She hits a beautiful second shot ,but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups .

Suddenl...

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A whole city block is burning, and fire trucks from all about are called in, and trying to take down the flames when...

This old, ancient, piece of junk fire truck drives right in the middle of the fire, and takes complete control of the situation; saving the day. After hours, and hours of of fire fighting, the reporters can't wait to interview the captain of this mysterious savior that came out of nowhere.
...

I left my house for a five-mile-run this morning. But when I got a block away, I had to turn around and go back because I forgot something.

I forgot I can't run five miles.

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An Irish peasant

An Irish peasant named Kory Andrea grew up knowing nothing but potatoes. His dad farmed potatoes, and his dad farmed potatoes, all the way back a thousand years. He had spent the entirety of his first twenty years on this Earth farming and harvesting potatoes.

One day, as if suddenly, the pot...

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Two cops, a man and a woman were heading out for a day's work, walking the beat with a police dog at their side...

A few blocks away from the station, the woman suddenly stops. "Dammit! I was in such a hurry to get ready, I forgot my panties back at the station. We have to go back."

"No we don't," the male cop says. "Old Ralphy here is specially trained at evidence retrieval. Just let him sniff your crotc...

3 girls and thier mother were walking through a park...

Girl 1 turned to her mother and said...

Girl 1: Mommy, why is my name Lily?

Mom: Because when we took you out of the Hospital, a Lily petal fell on your head.

The second Daughter, now curious, asks the same question...

Girl 2: Why is my name Rose?

Mom: When we took...

A man is driving to work when he notices the flash of a traffic camera.

He figures that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knows that he wasn’t speeding. Just to be sure, he circles the block and passes the exact same spot, driving even slower this time through. Again, the camera flashes. He thinks it is hilarious, since he was obviously ...

What do a 275lb white lady and a 275lb cinder block have in common?

A Mexican is going to lay them one day

My friend was arrested after carving equations into blocks of quartz

He was charged with manufacture of crystal math

A man in the bar offers to bet anyone $100 that his dog can talk.

At first everyone is dubious, but after the man clarifies he means complete grammatically correct sentences, and they make sure there are no hidden devices on the dog, several bets are made.

The man: Well, Charley?

Charley lifts his paw.

The man: Charley, come on, say something...

Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times...

Then I pick up the block, and put it back in the toy box.

What do you call it when you don’t want to talk to someone in Minecraft?

You block them.


P.S. Happy ten years Minecraft.

Every morning, I get out of bed and run around the block 5 times.

Then I slide the block back under the bed and go back to sleep.

There is an initiative...

There is an initiative by the US government and the American Dairy Counsel that cheese needs to be sold only in block form. By doing this we could make America Grate Again.

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Charles Dickens had writer's block…

He had a contract due for a new novel, but he hadn't even thought of a title yet. He went into the local pub and asked the barman for a Martini.

"Olive, or twist?"

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